Quorators - For How Long Do Close Friends Hug? w/ Jordan Morris

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Could you hypothetically use tape worm as a sausage casing? I am bored with my wife. What should I do? I lost the cops in a car chase. My car doesn't have  plate. Am I fine? ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators  Check out Jordan's graphic novel: bit.ly/youthgroupbook

How long have you been doing your show for? It's like at least a decade, right? Yeah, our chat show is like 15 years old. 15 years old. That's cool, man. Wow. Yeah. That's an OG podcast.

High school age podcast. 10,000 hours. I'm Malcolm Gladwell-ed it. And now I'm the Beatles. For real. I keep seeing you and screaming. The Beatles. I am not the funny one, though.

The Beatles. Okay. All right. That's it. That's the show, then. You have a list for us? Yeah, I got a list for us. Fucking, fuck it.

Fucking, it's dumb. Dance. We're starting. Jordan, can you hear this? I can kind of. I cannot anymore. I could. Quarries.

Hear that? There it is. Yeah. It's Quarries. We're back for another week. The famous Quora podcast. It asks, what is Quora? Also, we're on crack.com, home of the facts.

Get a fact. I'm Alex. This is Jeremy. Hello. Jeremy, how's it going? We're here every week. It's not exciting we're here. But you know who is exciting? It's this great guest we have. Yeah, Mr. Jordan Morris. Jordan, how are you? Hi, I'm excited that you think I'm exciting.

Oh my gosh, I'm excited. I hope the audience is excited. Let's score up. That's what we say, yeah. You guys are always saying that, right? That's our big catchphrase. I'm feeling the excitement in the chat right now. chat is going wild it's a positive feedback loop going everyone's hair i mean that's that's why we

do what we do so the chat goes wild right yeah it's a libidinal thrill having you here on our quora content podcast cool what's libidinal we can't talk about that right now not until the advertising first three minutes on youtube has passed um uh before we get into the show we're gonna read quora's the whole time if you're watching for the first time that's that's all that's about to happen have you been on quora before yeah i and and i'm an i'm a fairly new listener to your show and and wanted to ask this have you covered the the link between quora and yahoo answers it seems like since yahoo answers went away quora has kind of like filled that power vacuum for um the world's dumbest people to ask the most insane things yeah i do think that it

has picked up the torch for yahoo answers we've avoided a little bit just because um we we were sick of people accusing us of stealing the mcelroy brothers souls and doing their podcast but pretending that we're brothers yeah we're sick of people pretending we both have our own siblings it's so true and we couldn't be farther from brothers we're just two guys there's only two of you there's three of them there's tons of inflation there could be five by now it now takes three brothers to cover the cost of two guys thanks a lot biden the plan is working trust the plan um yeah we haven't delved too much into uh the yahoo answers mystery as i think just the uh premise of our show uh forbids learning

anything during the 90 minute or so course of a program we run sure yeah yeah we refuse to learn i've forgotten things i knew last year i i feel like i i run across a quora when i'm like searching for like if i've half remembered a sega genesis game from my youth and can kind of describe the main character and i like google that recording i just realized that we never started recording this zoom recording this zoom meeting so we're gonna not have jordan's face for the first three minutes of it you want to just start over do you want to just uh go from one i'm gonna find so many good still photos of you to plug in send us your favorite pictures of yourself thumbs up just get us just get a stock photo of a kid

reading at a community college do you have a wedding photo i can use just you on your happiest day yeah just uh me me dressed as a ghostbuster during halloween when i was 10 there he is he's live on the show uh all right well every week we read a quarter that we wrote last week and this week we have no answers on ours which is very sad but the question was what cycle of the moon is best to go out and pick up witches? That was our big Halloween episode. And no one wanted to,

everyone was too scared to answer. Too afraid, America? And India, mostly, it seems like? I mean, it's gotta be a waxing moon, right? Yeah, I think that's right. Sure. I think that makes sense. Crescent?

Blue? I've lain with a witch or two in my day. And it's always during the waxing moon. Oh, there you go. You bros know what I'm talking about. Yeah, dude. Witches love the moon. Getting a hex on that dick.

Having hex with a fine young woman. Oh, that's fun. That's better than mine. I thought of that just now. It's really good. I'm just reading from a Google box. Put that on a T-shirt. What about the blood moon?

The blood moon? so i am uh i feel conflict around the blood moon in terms of dating culture because i feel like the blood farm blood red farm moon farmer's moon whatever it's called uh is both a very spooky moon but also would make me think of a period more than any other moon sure and so maybe that's actually the worst moon to be moon cruising i'm dumb i looked i was like is blood moon a thing outside of the zelda games and it is i was just gonna say there's no time to fuck when all the enemies come back to life that's right i don't have time for sex i have to kill all these moblins that i've killed before all your exes return i'm working with children here i always think

everything's held all the damn time oh man that's got to be in the new scott pilgrim show oh no they're making a show we have to move on so no one answered our question this week uh we will say just because people have in breaking this rule more than usual. If you must answer one of our questions, please use the code word scrambled eggs. And this way we will know you came from the podcast and are not an organic Quora user that way.

And we won't read your answer and call you an idiot. Yeah, we won't read where you live and work into a microphone and send people to harass you. Which is our main source of comedy. It's really all we do here. Okay, this is our first segment. It's Animal Questions. It's Quora Godwild.

Hit slam that sound effect. jordan we have sound effects that you probably cannot hear i've heard the show i can kind of imagine the sound effects that you're going to be dropping in later what do you think i'm playing right now oh man it's gotta be um the first couple of seconds of the cops theme song i wish it was close i'm too afraid of being sued by the police they wrote that song uh it was a tiger roaring ah okay good choice now you're plugged in on i like explain to the listener who did hear it to jordan who can't hear it

one of our sleekest animals uh wonderful this first question is what happens if a lizard crawls on the left ankle of a woman oh great question left ankle first of all that's a violation sure every woman needs both ankles free yes this this does sound like some sort of wiccan superstition yeah if if if if the if the the beast with cold blood is on the left ankle you see the you might be a wicked then you might be a wicked if the cold-blooded creature crawls on your right ankle you might be a wigan you might be a sasquatch yeah i see the masonic code hidden in the question right yes the left ankle and signifying the destroyer's tools um yeah uh ladies hate it when they got a

lizard down there honestly no no cap no no lies but uh at the same time she's probably kicking that thing off i think that's what i would do probably can canning that thing into the balcony good lord these florida women yeah hey we're all we're all guys on this call bros like the left ankle or the right this is the direction our show goes in fairly regularly i gotta say we look at the at the uh numbers at the end we're like how are there only 0.3 percent of women listeners i don't feel like that should be happening cut to which ankle is to talk about the hottest ankle but it is the right ankle yeah you have a hard uh opinion on that it's favored by the stronger leg the sexy right ankle hell yeah bro we're here live in

1920s radio asking fellows their preferred gam i think this one had a funny answer if i recall yes okay this is from terrence riley who's a former scripps mercy radiological team trauma in medicine and health care oh a hero job he knows what he's talking about uh terrence says she'll probably shoo it away what do you think she would do besides why are you asking about a female anyway do you not talk to the opposite sex ever do you not know how to respectfully ask a woman if you could have her permission for you to ask her a question probably not you sir are not honorable obviously not a good question next take care be well stay blessed and stay healthy oh my god terrence out for blood today and then

he put his name at the end he signed off killing spree i gave it a second upvote yeah give it as many upvotes as you can we're here to bash terrence i saw the barbie movie opening weekend and i loved it how dare you come in here oh man they are gonna shoo it away though he's the guy from that video where the guy's like yelling at the trumpet player in new york i don't think i've seen this is my favorite reference ever it's just like how dare you how dare you come up to quora and ask this question i don't know if anyone knows that reference from 10 years ago it sounds funny funny what do you say and i haven't seen the video i have such an active imagination i could just imagine this happening isn't that fun he was like a viral meme for like a minute he's like a

very short guy and he's yelling at a trumpet player and he's like very jewish and then the safty brothers put him in a movie because they're like we gotta get this guy he's a star yeah we got him we got chocolate rain we got the new manuma guy and he's amazing so powerful yeah he does like a really dark turn in the new safties movie right you thought you knew the new manuma guy you thought you knew manuma him yeah this is what the safties were directing the weasers pork and beans music video right as all cinemaphiles remember oh man have you have you seen that video of the guy of the like very new yorkie guy petting the cat in the bodega and he's like it takes a pet like no problem yes that's the video i'm always describing to people and they're like never seen

it sounds funny he's like so impressed with the cat i can imagine it's a good cat takes a pet like No problem. New York City, the home of internet memes, people. Check out memes. Ring that bell on memes. Google memes. You'll love them. I mean, New York, the pizza, the culture, the memes, just walking around.

In L.A., you're in your car. You're not running into memes on the street. There's Robert De Niro. He's doing groiper. i love to run into pizza rat okay are we exploring more answers on this lizard question i feel like we've kind of sure yeah i mean what else could you say yeah most people are just like i don't know she'll kick it right get rid of it it's not gonna keep the lizard all right well that's enough of terrence's answers that's enough all right i found this quora that's kind of disgusting

but it's um that's kind of what the show is so it is uh could you hypothetically use a tapeworm as a sausage casing oh my lord i'm like disturbed that someone came up with this yeah yeah i've got a bunch of them um so this is more of like a mad scientist style sure sure this is the human centipede guy and and as he's just waking up and he's warming up for the day yeah he's doing his daily like uh what is it when you like just write for a page or whatever yeah he's brainstormed yes he's the guy from human centipede is doing the artist's way yes yes yes daily pages yeah there you go but yeah i mean you know maybe it's a thing where the human centipede guy is just like really into home cooking now like he's that guy who just got an air fryer or just got you know

just starting to suv and he's like oh yeah i'm good and that's all he talks about i'm imagining you're getting the tapeworm casing sausage from the human centipede guy, and he's giving it to you, and he's like, feed her! I realize this is the one quote you can do from that guy. It's not horrifically offensive.

This is so nasty. Yeah. But I feel like they have a good permeable skin you could really use. Sausage is already nasty. It's a thing everyone just looks past. You're right. it's an abomination food that you just put in your stupid sandwich so uh i think tapeworms are fine

uh let's get on them tapeworms and sausages now you're allowed alex says it's okay i demand it alex's parents are doctors go out cool isn't that based the first the first sorry what's up jordan oh it's the like idea that the tapeworm would eat the sausage and fill itself up and then it will become a sausage or do you have to fill it yourself oh that is a really good question that is not my interpretation my interpretation is like could you use a tapeworm skin yeah like an animal or clever though that at least makes sense as to like why you'd want to you get the tapeworm to do it for you to make a happy little worm yeah maybe you maybe you don't the the filling part is the part that annoys you about home sausage making you're like well what if there was a casing that

would fill itself yeah we're a worm positive snack company that puts worms first we're started by a couple of guys who thought maybe there's a better way just a couple of brothers it's the same as the oat milk pack no we can't say couple of brothers it's against the rules for us we're gonna post this on the max fun reddit because we have you on and they're gonna yell at us jordan we're gonna say we're not this is all an elaborate plot to get you guys doxxed it's so easy we do it to ourselves it's so easy to doxx yourself by accident remember that uh the coffee shop next door you want to say the name and address of that before we start reading we've done it um i was gonna say the top comment on this uh is someone

saying no this is very dangerous and then i can't read the rest really because it is locked behind quora pluses that is a premium answer you are not allowed to know why it's dangerous i i mean i respect your guys's like i i respect the fact that you refuse to pay for quora plus thank you imagine imagine the insanity that's behind the quora plus though i mean what kind if this is the stuff on the free site how what are the dedicated freaks paying to post i i wonder if it's the opposite though because i feel like with this one i i feel like they've hide they've hidden the only sane answer where someone's like you really should not do that and then they've been like shushed away and like all right bring this guy out here and he's like yeah i don't know tape

word yeah go for it yeah do it okay try it put it in your mouth also you know this is kind of great timing i know that the now that the wga strike is over i can talk about the fact that um i am doing a pilot for quora plus oh that's awesome dude it's a limited series uh about a tapeworm who uh feel trapped between two worlds sweet so it's animated adult animated yeah yeah but it's like it's like more of like a bojack thing to her like you know he's depressed and like anxiety depression and you know feeling out of place it's a tapeworm cop between the world of the fridge and the world of the kitchen sausage tapeworm um no the way i feel about quora plus and i'm glad that you approve of this as we

get a lot of negative pushback on it is i am taking viewers to the oblivion gate i dare not venture inside it's true there is nothing good behind the gate i wonder how much it is i don't even know my understanding of this when we've looked into it before seven dollars a month this is seven dollars a month or fifty dollars a year which is a steal by the way but sometimes we click on these and it seems like you have to subscribe individually for different sub-quoras which is something I refuse to support. No. Man, you can

get Peacock for that. Jesus. You get Peacock. Or information from a cancelled medicine man. That's your option. Yeah, you can have every episode of The New Girl or

someone talking about how to do home amputations. Real worm knowledge. Okay. Oh, this person wrote a lot. Sure. This guy says it might be possible, but they are parasites and carry disease. Oh, wait.

Can I add that this is written by Kirji with an X, and their certification is Italian's foods. Yeah. That's a pretty good certification. You go to school for that? For Italians. not italian food it's italian foods they can eat a lot more than that italians we could eat all kinds of foods my mother loved to feed me the worm oh um apparently it's it's yeah i mean they've just got a bunch of diseases

well the thing about tapeworms is you get them by eating them so people like please don't eat a tape or i never respond to these but don't do it but all of these answers start with like all right look technically yes it is possible to do i do have to say you can do it the fda has no rules about the specific legislation no one could stop you this like is is this are we seeing this on hip brunch menus in a year are you going to brunch and is the is the waiter like do you want apple smoked bacon or tapeworm sausage a sausage grass fed into a tapeworm it's exclusively sold at restaurants that have our story on their website yeah we're just two guys who wanted to start a restaurant nothing to say from these guys all right let's let's go to another question okay

Okay, this is our romance segment, Core Romance. Slam that romance theme, Alex. No. Thank God. I just can't do anything right. This is Core Romance. These are all of the questions of love and intimacy. This question is, how normal is it for a husband with a six-figure salary

to yell at his underemployed wife when she asks him to spot her at 20? Sadly. all too common how normal is it how normal is it how normal is that um five normal do you guys think this is being asked by the husband or the wife or a third party this sounds to me like underemployed wife is like i'm taking this one to the internet i want twenty dollars how in in our are people still asking to for to get spotted a 20 in this cashless society of ours i don't know maybe i'm you know maybe i'm coming at this from the perspective of a coastal elite but how how often are you asking just for a 20 yeah if you're a wife you gotta

move to apple pay yeah go ahead underemployed wife you gotta go get a venmo yeah double tap the side of your phone and steal your husband's money it's really the only way to go yeah um yeah Yeah, but she's getting chewed out for this one, folks. The question isn't what should be done, though. It's just, is it normal? And it's not about her being underemployed or whatever people are going to talk about in this. It's about, should I get yelled out?

Respond in the comments. People have really written fucking novels under this one. This is really brought out. I can't find one that's more than 10,000 words. Is it normal? Andrea Teal says, does this situation feel familiar? Familiar comes from the same root of family. We create the same patterns over and over again because we get an energetic change from it.

I would venture to say that you felt this way when you were a child, out of control, dominated by a male figure, and then just keep going on. Oh, baby! You start defining words. Right. When you're going back to the Latin root of things, maybe you're putting too much thought into your internet comment. Well, here's something weird. someone said it is normal but not acceptable and then he says quora doesn't think my answer is long enough so much for brevity being the soul of wit seriously though plenty of guys do nasty and

ridiculous things so they seem normal but is behavior acceptable to you how will you feel when your daughter watches this happen but a few times worse so i guess quora was like you got to put more in there when they say quora doesn't think my answer is long enough did they receive an email i imagine it said like hey you gotta write more expand on your ideas this is an important question you really need to answer it this is not a mandatory class but it is a important class cora has suggestions try going back to the latin root of some words double space your answer make the periods bigger uh include a lot of weird personal personal details uh that guy had a list of people i

would avoid marrying is number one people who yell and get angry easily number two people who have excuses for their behavior and don't take responsibility for it number three people who can't apologize these are all decent things so number one on my people to avoid marrying would be like serial killers right well me hey if they don't yell yeah well yeah the mummy's dangerous but if you can get yourself a mummy with a six-figure salary yeah that's true then you're eating good especially while i'm unemployed you're at fine restaurants running away screaming with your hands over your head like i'll get i'll get groaned at a little bit if it means the mummy's making six figures don't groan at me at versace now that's a sitcom the mummy had an office job

this the strike's over let's pitch it over we're back although i guess it depends on where the mummy lives like you know six figures you know it's true oh yeah he doesn't go that far in a big city but you move you move that's conflict i don't know uh nebraska or something yeah you're the mayor of the town just outside vegas that mummy could get a get a six bedroom place he keeps gambling it away this actually goes into my other show i'm pitching mayor mummy this mummy makes six figures i mean is that the goal for quora plus to start turning these things into shows do they like technically own it i bet they do i bet like we all sign something that's or agree check off some box when you make an account that's like quora owns the rights to all of your questions this is

why the amptp was so confident going into the strike it's just like we have a backup we do not need you guys if you ask who could win to fight goku versus master chief they can make that show legally i have 10 computers that have finished it there is some and there is some rick and morty writer who is writing the sausage tapeworm pilot right oh yeah absolutely good for them good for you check out katie delaney's sausage tapeworm yeah in between doing all of the marvel movies yeah um all right once i'm done writing the kang dynasty i can get to that tapework thing it pays such good money to be on quora plus yeah um okay this is a very good alex you're already preparing us out don't worry about what i'm doing you worry about reading the quora here's a quora

i'm doing my job i do my job question i'm bored with my wife what should i do oh no that's right Mario saying, oh, no. Mario's never been bored of Peach. But what does Wario say? Wait, wait, I just had that one. Oh, no. Oh, baby. There we go.

All right. There you go. There are no sounds I do not have. Yeah. As long as they're one of the 32 sounds. Anyway, so if you're bored with your wife, you got to throw her away. It's a show for guys. Yeah.

get yourself a girl with a nice thick right ankle am i right boys she may have twisted it she may have turned her ankle oh no so the swelling will go down when she uh ices it and elevates it but for now it's such a bummer when you think a girl's got a thick ankle but she really just rolled it running in flip-flops that's the that's the danger of instagram my dude yeah their ankles are real this answer is so fucking long

the first sentence is I'm 14 so you probably shouldn't listen to me hey we've all been there that said 3,000 more words marriage comes from the latin word to join

i was about to say i'm expecting advice from the most most divorced people in america but i was wrong i just i'm reading it's like so many paragraphs and then on like paragraph four it says my therapist says that because of asperger's i see things like i am always in a pretty garden huh it's like they just like keep going your therapist has a beautiful vocabulary yeah that's a potent metaphor um i don't know they've written a whole story here but when father comes home from work with a big smile and always begins the evening with going into the kitchen with mom and holding hands and working together on supper while i set the table with mats and cups and bowls and stuff what does that mean okay i mean i think he's saying that you know marriage can be beautiful

if you if you stick it out and obviously there's going to be challenges but you know having a having a committed partner is uh you know it can be a beautiful thing yeah unless you're bored the family structure is perfect for uh raising an autistic quora user you need every pillar of the community there alex and i are two married men that's right jeremy when we get bored we just start a podcast that's correct yeah and then your wife will be more horny for you because finally we've been finding a podcast been finding it

wrap up that podcast and come fuck me that's right wrap up wrap up reading that hello fresh ad it happens every day yeah

read hello fresh so you can say hello fresh to your wife hello fresh oh yeah I call my wife fresh if you get bored

with your wife come up with a zippy nickname save that fix anything call her casper mattress or betterhelp.com okay great people are just giving real advice for their like try something new go on dates again these are good yeah go to a music festival good sound advice and then someone said whoever wrote this comment please marry me

lol but also i'm very lonely please marry me i'm just 14 but marry me it's kind of a dating app for 14 year olds really A 14-year-old who craves marriage. It shouldn't exist. It's a commitment. Very dangerous dating app for Quora. I don't think that was that crazy of a question. No.

It's a helpful romance question. Well, here's another one. At maximum, for how long do close friends hug? Yo. Great question. At maximum. Yeah. We're not talking about, oh, dap, dap.

Sure. We're not talking about, oh. That would be a minimum. them what's good jay dog what we're talking about is like a heartfelt like but when jesus knew he was getting betrayed what kind of hug was he getting well that's not a close friend it's the closest friend it's an apostle oh yeah this would be like this would be like a six minute scene in a like judd apatow movie that came out in 2008 the six minute hug starring paul rudd i mean we're bros but are we bros try to get away from me is jason siegel gonna hug paul rudd for too long

well people think unrelated here's a live birth scene this film is four hours long oh why did i do that um accidentally closed an answer i'm trying to think about the longest hug i've had i've had at least a 60 second hug 60 seconds hell yeah bro i've ever counted oh no maybe it depends on how long it was since you last saw the person i'll maybe try and give an honest answer here like sometimes it's a like please you know you're meet you're meeting up for drinks with somebody you see a couple you know a couple times a month but then there's like old friend and you maybe you're gonna want to hug a little longer i don't know i think that's true

Like, how long do you think, like, Odysseus would hug a beloved captain upon returning to Ithaca's far shores? Is this one of the answers? Yeah, it's an answer. It's something somebody else said. It's not just Alex's brain. Okay, well, here's the thing is I think if you're getting a hug over 10 seconds, it is now a bit. And once it is a bit, it can go for some time. Sure, fair enough.

Fair enough. I do think you're right that the longest hugs I've ever given to a friend is after not seeing them for a long time. But I have also never returned to Ithaca. Yeah, you know what? Unless it was Ithaca, New York. You come to a beloved captain and then you're doing the hug, but then you get the hug ends and you're still like, ah, you're holding shoulders. He thought the captain had been dashed upon the rocks following the siren song. I thought the siren got you.

I thought the cyclops used you to brush his teeth. but here i have you now in my loving arms you know i'm coming soon to theaters judd apatow bro i thought you got dashed on the rocks we have the most movie pitches per minute i think this episode we have ever had we have a whole streaming service right here just getting randomly generated yeah i mean they've got chat gpt on quora now it's a real bummer and they throw it out oh yeah Yeah, ChatGPT has answered this and gives a terrible answer. It says there's no specific time limit for how long close friends may hug. Who cares?

Give me a number. Why would I want ChatGPT to answer this? I'm looking for a hug professional. I don't need ChatGPT to be like, I don't know. I have no arms. Why would you type this? That's our job. Love is a foreign concept to a machine such as I.

Thanks, ChatGPT. Anyway, this person, Kristen Neal, whose job is 19 years of experience, did give an answer six years ago. Her job is just her experience, but not at what? 19 years. 19 years of experience at hugs. Coming in for a big one. And she's got answers for us. She says, if it's a friendly hug as to say hello, three seconds.

If they gave you a present, five seconds at most. A celebration hug, like they accomplish something big, around five seconds. The only time there is no limit of how long a hug can last is when your friend is upset or they are moving and you won't be able to see them again for a long time. In fact, your friend is upset and they need a hug. Don't be the one to let go. Have them let go first. You never know how badly they need a hug. Apology hug, five seconds.

But depends on how bad of an apology you're giving. This can be another situation where you hug until they let go because they are probably hurt and upset. that if you come with up with any other situations that you don't know how long to hug for ask me or just think this what if they were giving you i'm giving you my personal number call me at any hour to ask me how long to hug for um this is the mayor of quorum this is this is a six-year-old answer but i do think we must come up with a situation she's still getting calls wait just ask for her number be like how do i contact you to ask about that okay krista i've got a hug emergency betty uh fuck me hug questions to ask you where can i best contact you okay yep send

that out all right krista this is somebody with two decades nearly of hug experience and you can tell well now even more this is gonna be the one that gets us banned from quarrel do not hit on krista krista's better than that do you do personal hug seminars now we're now just double checking this is not a child okay great no i'm looking at there i'm looking at her uh her experience her she went to school at the college and university okay yeah i went there that checks out that checks out she might be a college go school fighting use let's mascot um yeah she might be just not a real person because her she knows about human behavior apparently that's her one of her top subjects yeah just i guess if you are like if you are a

psycho who is counting your hug seconds yes just like make sure to don't not audibly do it while you're hugging someone oh does a pin count as a hug one two three you need a full five count for those are full 10 count um that's a good that's at the ref's discretion if you're like wrestling yeah did you do wrestling am i making that up i did wrestling in high school but they don't have a 10 count for that if you touch the bag at all that you're you lose yeah the ref blows his whistle and you have to explain that you're in mourning you're out of here no i just got a present i would love for the the ref to yell you're out of here when you get pinned to a high school get out of Someone answered Krista's answer and said,

these answers can actually all be false in some cases. What the fuck? I have friends who I don't tend to hug for very long. Wow. While some others I hug, a longer hug is pretty commonplace. Yo, tell her to back off. Yeah, come on. Krista knows her stuff.

Krista knows what she's talking about. She's been doing it for 19 dang years. Yeah. Okay. I'm trying to see if anyone else has specific numbers. because I do think that that's really funny to me. Nine seconds. Yeah, so Michelle Wynn says,

hmm, I suppose around nine seconds or more, which is useless. At least nine seconds. Thanks, Michelle. Some will try and let go before nine seconds is up. Do not let them. Those are not your real friends. She said, really close friends hug longer

than people who are, quote, just friends. People who are just friends usually hug a person for six seconds or less. Oh, dang. I got to write these down. I know. I got to get these numbers ready. all right well that's that question i learned a lot today let's move on to uh parenting or

parenting that's the bong that's that's enough we're here live at querenting your number one quora parenting questions now most of quora is like fictional i think it's just people like making up situations where they're you know my son breathed so i murdered him right what should I do, but I don't know. Some of them are funny, so I like the wording on this one. It's probably not real, but it's, my 16-year-old daughter said she just wants to be alone, and she keeps saying she wishes she had a door.

What do I do? I am not giving her a door. I've heard variations on this. I'm just like, I am not giving her a door. A normal one is like, my 16-year-old daughter wants a lock for her door, and I won't give her the lock. A door is a different thing. I didn't have a lock growing up on my door.

girls you need a door you gotta have a door open it you can't live like you're recording snobby kid are you gonna raise if they've got a door they're opening and shutting they gotta work you know you gotta teach kids to work for their door my house is an open floor office like a modern content farm gotta be able to make contact at all times yeah my children and i squat in an artist slot give your kids a door so they're turning they're closing the door on christ's message that's so there you go yeah i'm always saying that as a jewish man if you want if you want to raise your kids right not only do they have to sleep in full view of

you but they have to piss and shit right in front of you no doors anywhere in the house um i think they should compromise and get beads get her a bead door that's fun that's fun kind of a or you know retro hippie thing yeah it's like a uh like a um like a like a balling shop or something every time you go in the room yeah i knew people who had bead doors growing up and they were the coolest people i ever met oh yeah maybe a lava lamp yeah lava lamps get so hot Can we talk about that? Please do, Alex. Go off.

They seem like they're more of a fire hazard than normal lamps. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm saying some stuff the fat cats upstairs don't want me to say. Big lava lamp. Lava is too hot to have in a house. And that's the final word. I really hope you're not about to read an ad for lava lamps. Slash corridors.

There's a solution with an everyday product. all joking aside if you are selling lava lamps we will easily start doing ads for i am not fucking around um all right this guy uh yaori says firstly you give her a door secondly you get on your knees and beg for forgiveness for being a horrible parent thirdly pray every night that once she's a girl full-grown adult she doesn't cast you out of her life immediately you're you fucked up by never giving a child privacy why they stop counting i don't know did did the did this kid's room just not have a door in the first place or did the parents like take off the door

that's a good question yeah it seems like the room should just have a door right like anyway what if what if her room used to be a kitchen sure i lived in a room like that in college did you not have a door i did but it was like a big glass one you could see through i almost had a room without a door when i was a kid i thought about moving into my attic when my parents finished it and it would have just had a staircase oh which is kind of the that's a fun room kind of a door that is a fun room but i didn't do it that's like you live in a tree house yeah just sleeping up there with all the christmas decorations yeah dad's fishing stuff nice angular roof oh yeah get your kid used to living in a triangle

big pyramid shaped space um so this person okay to answer the question he's not giving her a door i'm assuming this is a father maybe it's a mother uh they're not giving them a door uh the daughter's knocking a door that's the last thing i want to hear sure um i guess what you could do is uh move her to somewhere separated by stairs um beads beads beads bury her in a hole put her in a whole basement daughter what about a changing screen okay yeah yeah yeah that's a good one and that's a nice compromise right you can kind of see their silhouette but they have a little bit of privacy but you know yeah like a fogged like shower door you could like kind of tell if they're like do if they have like a gun in there or something you could tell from the silhouette but you can seal

her in a well why do you want to burn her this job i'm just giving options that don't involve the door what about just a fog machine that's cool the room yeah the kid needs a little privacy you hit the fog juice and then they have to pay for their own fog like that's the thing yeah she's in here somewhere and she knows what she did it's easy to get through but you can't see i like all these ideas great work it always it always smells like a haunted house in here now Just a bunch of dry ice at the bottom. We're three guys who love to parent. We all have 16-year-old daughters.

Okay, we got one more segment. It's the police segment. Five Quo. Hit that police siren. Oh, wait. It's not a real police siren if you're driving. You're not really going to pull over. Not a real police siren.

Is it just part of the podcast? It's not an ambulance. It's just a podcast. Okay, so this one is kind of like a mix between parenting and police, so I put it first. Oh. This question is, I have a gun and let my 13-year-old son borrow it for shooting practice. He took it to school the next day and threatened a bully.

The police are now involved. Will disowning my son stop any charges brought to me? I love this. Okay, so he's got a gun. You let the 13-year-old son borrow it. And the son immediately took it to school and threatened his bully. He has to sign it out. I have a logbook.

He has to check the gun. out i just love the legal response to like i did not know he was like that i thought he was cool he kind of sucks no more being a son in my house yeah the police are all right that's your bad you're a vagrant child now and you're dangerous first thing you take away the kid's door get a screwdriver you take that baby off the hinges no more door i'm sorry jeremy just scrolled very quickly past a large photo of a troll doll that said i smell a troll but i thought i just saw the troll doll and it was really jarring for me i don't think it is a troll i think it's real i think it's real i think this is a father i think this is a father who wants

to know what to be done what could be done to not uh go to prison social media the way it is you don't know what to do when your son does it um pretty much everyone is mad at the question asker no surprise there's a guy who says it's uh due to parents like you that uh the reason liberals are doing something and i think that could be onto something like wow interesting damn liberals are this but this is like one of the like i'm a responsible gun owner yeah yeah i would i would never let my son threaten his bully i only i would do it for him i would come to school with him with the gun and threaten the bully right gun in hand pointed at the floor yeah safety orange teen when you're 18 that's when you can start threatening people with guns

when you're just a kid you know brass knuckles sock full of pennies as the founding fathers intended you have to learn how to have it in your waistband so you can just slowly pull up your shirt you don't take out the gun that's where there's trouble the gun has to be revealed next to your cum gutters yeah exactly you just stick it in the elastic of your pe shorts yeah then when he's hassling you out on the dodgeball field i'm very into the founding father's stance on bullies i feel like this isn't discussed enough i mean what was king george but the ultimate bully that's right and what was the founding fathers if not a 13 year old borrowing a gun to listen if you're out there on the schoolyard and some fat cat's trying to tax your tea

yeah exactly it's just a lost page of the constitution where thomas jefferson's like so what i like bigger women i think that's fine give me back my yugioh cards those cost a lot of money which now is around 25 cents sometimes countries colonize you just because they've been colonized themselves that's right colonized countries colonized countries yes exactly thank you empathy yes radical empathy let's all practice it louder for the listeners in the back real eyes real eyes real lies colonize you know so many good tupac quotes

well i read a lot of demotivational posters or i guess motivational posters that's what i want to say it's inspiring yeah um okay everybody thinks this is a fucking troll and it's uh live and the democrats have infiltrated america's gum clubs isn't as cool as it used to be joe this is joe biden joe biden is trolling joe biden personally wrote this question triggered mac he thinks that his son is 13 but it's it's hunter biden he thinks it is 1972 and his son is 13 hunter biden threatened donald trump jr with a gun and joe biden was like what do i do that would this would be a good job for hunter though like hunter you know give him something kind of low stakes like make him the guy who plants the liberal message on quora

i've been saying this every week but he is the dream guest for the box alex really wants to have him on our podcast nobody speaks to me more as like internet street knowledge than hunter biden he seems like he solves questions you know that within the year the guy's gonna have a podcast right yeah absolutely it could be politically related it could just be like him and his friend from college recapping battlestar galactica yeah he'll somehow get like celebrities on welcome to hunter biden's office recap podcast he's like the fifth one where i guess what happened over there still bigger than kevin's join hunter biden and jenna fisher as they recount

their favorite moments from scritton's that's really funny hunter biden got dax shepherd and they just got into it it wasn't like a traditional interview but it's like they just talked you know that's really funny he gets john stewart on before maren does um okay i got another question for us this question is i lost the cops in a car chase my car doesn't have a plate am i fine first of all hell yeah dude yeah man you're good dog it's cool it's cool as shit keep driving dog

i imagine he's driving and he's texting this two quora wow he's he's getting away i've lost them i hope you are searching on a burner laptop i've looked up and my star meter seems to have gone down uh make sure to turn google off before checking with quara that you've escaped from your crime jordan do you think that this guy is being arrested or do you think he's going to be okay yeah i mean i think check his check his question history like trying to find if his next question is like how do you make wine in a toilet

you probably got caught it's unfortunately extremely hard to find the question asker for some reason on Quora like they really make you scroll but I want to figure out what this person is next oh here what are the most realistic wigs I scrolled

so far to just this question by anonymous this guy is so committed to being off the grid this dude knows his shit this guy like yeah no license plate no quora account you don't think they're gonna check the quora account or cops are just gonna go start going after every anonymous quora uh i think he's gonna i know you asked can a man fuck a snake

clearly that guy who let us on the car chase pull off your pants we want to see the the bite marks on your crotch to see if you tried um so it says as long as they didn't see you they can't prove you were driving even if it's your car what they can't prove you were driving my brother has ran from the cops plenty of times and has had his real plates on cops don't actually look for you after you run unless you're a criminal you are a criminal you're running you're in a car what are you talking about yeah it's maybe the move to get a plate for the car and then yeah and then you can just kind of cruise around because they're probably looking for a car with no plates yeah gotta paint it get new plates they'll never get a really like funny personalized yeah so they're

like i would have remembered that no that can't be him it says boys are us on it ass man like that seinfeld episode hilarious i would have i would have known if we were chasing a seinfeld fan it can't be him we're looking for a dollar bill i'm a huge seinfeld fan i'm putting it all the time yeah i don't know there's not really any answers outside of just like yes you were going to be arrested i love the idea that he posted on quora it's just a funny it's a funny place to ask i think he got away i think he did too i think we'll never know really could be you or I it could be it could be Alex

it's not me none of us none of us are in jail I'm innocent I got one more question this is our final one if you were given a gun then held at gunpoint to kill many others or else you and your family would be killed if you refuse to do so

what would you do would you be criminally charged if you fired any shots under this duress many others that to me i don't know why that is the funniest way to word that to kill many others this is so obviously a fantasy of this man who's just like i have to kill many others oh no yeah i remember they asked us this question in religion class when i was 12 well what'd you say they were like al-qaeda breaks in here and he makes you go sicko mode do you do it i feel like you joke but like

knowing people who have been to catholic school i do feel like a lot of people were like what if someone puts a gun to my head and makes me masturbate i go to hell then this did oh really yes i would be looking at the doc i was like this one's not funny they asked me in class wait so what what was the context oh the context was 9-11 had just happened and they were like yeah these kids are freaked out and i'm a psycho so i can do whatever i want here what was the answer oh the answer was you're supposed to let them shoot you in the fucking brain really wow and go to heaven and go to heaven it's a religion class check it out kind of teaches you i guess what you do when al-qaeda kidnaps a sixth grade class

i do know i do know what happens if someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to masturbate I'm harder than you ever have in your life. There's a lot of videos that cover this ground. To the point where nothing else compares and you're just bored sexually for the rest of your life. All right, well, that's the answer. There's not a court in the country that'd charge you for that. You go to court and everyone just starts clapping.

The judge stands up. Well, if it isn't Mr. Ropes. Well done, sir. You had to masturbate. Did you bring the jar of hot glue? I just want to say, not to make a crass joke, but I do think that 9-11 would be a little cuter if it was done by a class of 6th grade Catholic school children.

Oh, you mean all with little uniforms? If it was you and your buddies, Alex. Sure. 9-11 babies with a Z. Put it on quarter plus. all right should we ask a quora what do we want to do do you want to read more of these for 9-11 babies on apple tv in six months um everyone says that you would go to to prison you would go to prison because because you loved to commit the crime um our question

our question jordan do you have any questions you want to ask quora and see if they'll have answers for us oh my gosh uh yeah let me um i mean how about this like um you know what do you want to see out of a quora tv show let's just use this as a focus group um yeah let's like meet back here in a couple weeks for like another brainstorming session let's kind of use some of this info and yeah we're never gonna hear from this guy again put this out and ghost us it's in my calendar right now meet back check the quora answers i'm gonna do it yeah and if i like get really busy we'll reschedule guys seriously call my assistant if i don't get back to you i really want to make sure this works out i mean the holidays are kind of crazy so

next year but like it's unrealistic to expect emails to come back from november to january but after that um all right so get that it go and type that up that's gonna be our question for the week meanwhile this has been quaraders jordan thank you again for coming on what would you like to tell our lovely listeners about this week oh my gosh thank you for having me so fun love this show it's hilarious y'all are great uh hey if you're listening to this and uh uh you think you might like to read an upcoming graphic novel uh written by me and illustrated by the great bowen mcgurdy we've got one coming out next year it is called uh youth group uh it touches upon some of the themes we've talked about today it is a uh ya horror comedy about a bunch of uh

goofy teenage exorcists uh there's laughs there's spooks there's a little bit of romance there's the power of friendship um yeah it was uh it's super fun to do it's called youth group it is um yeah you can pre-order it wherever you get your books uh you can do that on amazon you You can do that at Barnes & Noble, your local indie book store, or go to bit.ly slash youthgroupbook. Yeah, it's super cool. I'm excited for folks to check it out. Check out Youth Group Book. We got the link in the comments.

And by comments, I mean whatever the description of the thing you're viewing this on is. Yeah, we'll put it in there. And that's where thrills are. That's going to be us for another week. If you would like more of our show, every Thursday there's a whole other episode where we go on other websites. It's like tiktok.com, Reddit, Facebook. And that's on patreon.com slash Quarators. We'll see you there, and we'll see you here next Monday.

Bye, motherfuckers.