Quorators - How Badass Is Master Chief?

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Is Master Chief Overrated? Who would win Master Chief or John Wick? Is Master Chief A Girl? ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@quorators Listen to Alex's audio drama series Theater of Delights  https://soundcloud.com/theaterofdelights/sets/season-5-gran-nidorino

Oh What up, is your boys? It's the Quarators, boys. It's Quarators. What's up? I'm Jeremy. This is Alex. This is Waffles.

This is the three boys. Waffles the caddies here producing the show. We're here. We're the only ones on Quora. We're the only Quora podcast. We're the only Quora podcast, and we love to go on there. Make sure to ring that bell. We're the only podcast, I think, on the internet.

I don't think there's any internet podcast. Most podcasts, they go on the internet and they go, this is pretty normal. Yeah, or they look at it and they say, too advanced. Too advanced for me. I don't know what's going on. I can't tell what's going on. You know what I like is not just my internet being advanced, but my combat being evolved. Oh, that's so weird.

I love it when my combat is evolved. You're such a freak. Yeah. You're such a freakazoid for that. Thanks. Oh, my God. I myself am at, like, kind of a standard level of combat. And I haven't ever moved beyond that.

You prefer your warfare modern. Yeah. I don't know. I get a gun. I shoot my enemies with it. And it's got needles in it? No, just like regular. Just like.

You go to just one gun, please. The bullets aren't needles that they walk into a body and explode? No. These are. I mean, I don't think technology for that has really come around this way. That's really interesting. alex is a combat uh creationist that's correct um and i'm not going to ask what that means and we are going to move on this is a very exciting week um listeners have been writing in demanding

this episode they've been saying when is it going to happen how long do we have to wait there's a special episode coming up it's all master chief questions questions involving the halo protagonist master chief in his role on quora.com what's funny to me is i think there are listeners who write it and demand episodes but i don't know if anyone's demanding the master chief well i don't know if i've heard that i've actually seen a lot of people demanding it so that's the first one we're doing i feel like the one that i keep seeing that i'm just like i don't know what to say about that is people keep being like when is muslim jeremy gonna show up i'm like i don't know what you want me to do with a lot of muslim fans are looking for representation on the

show and we will not give it to them unfortunately where is muslim jeremy well if this one goes well maybe muslim jeremy drops by later maybe maybe fingers crossed you stay to good behavior we see what happens um so we are going to do a themed quora dive this week and i'm very excited to get into that but before we do that we gotta follow up on our quora from last week that's true that's I don't know what we do last time on Corators. I don't think anyone answered it, so it's not. No one answered it? No, because we had some question that was like our best performing question of all time.

We did? Oh, you know what it is? Okay, so we banked two last time, and we have to go back and check both answers. Yeah. Because King Cops B Gamers didn't have any answers. Unfortunately, King Cops B Gamers has, I think, only been answered by our listeners. Scrambled eggs. Yeah.

If you must answer our question, please say scrambled eggs. This one doesn't have scrambles. Also, finish the fight as well. Finish the fight. Yeah, these all have scrambled eggs in it. Thank you for those answers. They're all fun. Jeremy loves them.

I love those answers. Some good 40% jokes in there. Some dog killing jokes. Really good stuff. Be sure to go check out that Quora. Last week we asked, is a movie about a chimp who learns karate a good idea? And I don't think anyone answered that either. but I do think

it is a good idea so these are all scrambled eggs ones again yeah alright well thanks for listening

to the podcast and I guess thank you for listening to the podcast I'm sorry we're such freaking losers no one will answer I don't know

we were on like a hot streak for a little bit do you think it's maybe because we've turned away from the one true faith of Islam I'll say this

I think I know what the topic of our question is going to be at the end of the episode I think I know and that is Master Chief

oh yeah oh right yes okay let's see if we i challenge you to remember we were talking about islam for even a minute by the end of this all right after we cram your stupid your your freaking brain meat full of master chief for an hour but uh i'm excited about this there's a i so here's how we found these questions you're not gonna believe it i went on quora and i put in the words master chief and i put in roughly half of the answers or half of the questions into our playlist and we're gonna i don't know if we'll be spending a lot of time on each one or just 15 seconds per question but it should work either way i got a lot of them yeah i think it'll be good um master chief before we start ever use master chief um what's your relationship to master

chief like ah geez i was hoping you wouldn't ask this i've i mean i know the guy have you played halo like i didn't have an xbox growing up i was just i was kind of scared of the kids who were playing halo because they seemed so elite and i would bite kids you would bite kids no i don't know this is like a thing that an xbox kid would do yeah no but that's the i mean that's worth digging into here like what an xbox brand makes you like like i think of xbox i think of mountain dew sure i think of um i think of like uh like electricity and neon i did have a lot of electricity i was big into having lights marvel villains i think of marvelville i think of venom playing on an extra he's a cool guy yeah not as cool as master chief no no who i know

virtually nothing but what if you've got the symbiote now that would be interesting now that's a topic but does he do things like that already here's the thing and this is why i think this is going to be an interesting back and forth for this episode okay i know nothing about master chair that i know a little bit about master chief i think you are underselling your knowledge based on every conversation we have ever had well i mean you know where they say like elon musk is like a dumb person's idea of a smart person i am like a non-master chief knowers idea of a master chief knower really that's what i think and i think that makes sense to a lot of people it makes sense to a lot of people you have a very healthy brain

that's right that's right he is correct he doesn't know as much as others he's like a regular hot guy i haven't oh yeah i a lot of people say he's too hot to know about master chief and i go Well, I'm also a little bit of a nerd. I take time between crunches to look up lore. It's me and Henry Cavill. We're like, I actually, I'm a hot guy, but I also like to game a little bit. New character, Jewish Henry Cavill. I enjoy the witch at times.

Jewish anything is funny to me. It's always a little funny. It's an attainable impression, and that's what we like about it. And we're allowed to do it. And we are both allowed to do it. Through the covenant of marriage. Until John Mulaney gets canceled for doing Oh Hello, we can do it. Thank God that hasn't happened.

Okay. Well, we've avoided Master Chief for so long enough here. Okay, let's talk about the first question. Question number one. Question number one. Is Master Chief overrated? Boom. I'd say no.

He's sick as hell, dude. Yeah, I would say no right away. What does that mean, overrated? Okay, so. In what sense? How is he rated? tell me in in the game he saves the world from aliens could you just like quickly give me the plot of i don't understand what happens okay hello i don't know that much about halo covering for

this this is my understanding clearly no master chief they rip off ender's game so the idea is that like the government is fighting the covenant which is a group of aliens who are like a religious group right because of the god there's this whole people called the forerunners and they were first and then they created the halo devices and they use that to kill all of the the zombie guys called the flood and then the forerunners are like people what are halo devices halo devices are these giant rings that are basically planets but they're also a weapon uh-huh oh no so anyway we're in this long war with this alien group called the covenant which is a bunch of different races that all believe in the same shit.

Oh, that sounds like they got a better thing going on than we do. They have a fake religion where they believe the halo rings are not a weapon or something.

They don't even know Jesus is Lord. They don't even know Jesus is Lord. So the humans, they start just taking kids and they train them to be super soldiers.

Okay. And they do that by elongating their bodies. And we were talking about this off mic that Ender's Game is very homoerotic. We were talking about

how homoerotic Ender's Game is. First of all, it's Tom Clancy for children yes second of all it's awesome yeah third of all it's a the perfect book to read when you're a 12 year old boy about like if i got in a shower fight with a big bad guy i'd freaking punch his brain in yeah i think i'd punch his nose into his brain when you're a little kid a lot of teachers will like be like you're a special smart little boy and um hey jeremy you're not like the

others yeah and then you read and but but you know deep down that that's not true and then you read ender's game and you're like what if i saved the world they were right what if i used math to beat someone up but i'd feel so bad about it um spoilers for ender's game this episode by the way anyway the government they they they like open up your legs and they elongate your body and shit and that's the spartan they open up your legs yeah what are they atheists because they spread their legs for anybody because they don't go to church hey ring that bell slam that subscribe button because this is the kind of thing we do every week also tell women about our podcast because i've been getting these numbers back and it's like i don't feel like it's

that of that that bad you know like i feel like anyone could listen it doesn't have to be men of a certain age um yeah it really is mostly bad the numbers are are shocking like you'll be like they're conclusive i don't know what is it 70 30 and then you'll look at it and be like this episode had 98 male listeners and we're like that can't be right we had katie here it doesn't make any sense it doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense um anyway yeah tell me more about if you're a new listener podcast welcome um the halo weapons are planets but they're also weapons they're not they're yeah they're they're made by the forerunners they're made by the You know what always pissed me off about Halo?

First of all, Jeremy, tell me. There's this alien race called the Forerunners, and they're the ancient race that came before all this stuff, right? Which makes sense. Drop on, uh-huh, honey. Okay, fair enough. So we called them the Forerunners because they came before us. Okay.

First of all, can I just say, golden stand-up bit right here. Who are these people? Why do we call them the Forerunners? Before what? What are we talking about? The After Runners. Where are they running to? Where are we running?

Are they running for president? Are they running from a needler's blast? What pisses me off about this, what grinds my gears about the Forerunners is that in Halo 4, when 343 comes and takes the series away and makes it bad, they show the Forerunners. They call themselves the Forerunners.

I thought people liked Halo 4. No, they don't. Is that different from Halo Reach? Yeah. Okay. The Forerunners call themselves the Forerunners. Yeah, you know nothing about this, by the way. I've never played 4 and 5.

Okay. All right. But I believe they call themselves the Forerunners, and it pisses me off. It's like, what are you before? Well, anytime you have a trilogy, and then people keep adding things after, it's like, but it's...

And the main company that made the games were like, we're done with this. And some other company was like, we'll do them. What if I shot you with a space gun? Yeah. All right. So, again, the plot of Halo is its ender's game, but it's an alien war.

Anyway, there's all these different Spartans that are super soldiers, and Master Chief is the leader of them. Why is he the leader of them? Because he's the bravest of them. And is that overrated? No, he's cool. What makes him the leader? He's, like, the best one.

But, like, who promotes him? Are there people who aren't Master Chief? Yeah. There are humans who aren't Master Chief. Yeah, he's a soldier in a big war. He's like a famous guy in the games. Oh, wow. So you'll show up to places, and all the humans are like,

oh, shit, it's the Master Chief. Oh, my God. And people are like, you're so cool. And then one thing that's really fun that you can do is you can trade weapons with the humans. Really? But if the UI is being annoying, and they're not giving you the weapon right away,

you can just kill them and take their weapons. That is so cool. So sometimes someone will be like, oh, my God, it's the... And you shoot him in the face, and you're like, I wanted a battle rifle. What I appreciate about the series is it does not at all belittle the ravages of war and the fear people would have of the Master Chief. He would appear, and you would have the same fear a cow has when a human walks in a room. Right.

Because they sound like they're no longer people. They're very tall. The Spartans. They're like nine feet tall. From what you've told me on the show and regarding the silverback gorilla question, I don't know if we're tagging that in this YouTube video, but they are around as strong as a gorilla. Sure. And so I would be afraid of them that they would shoot me with a gun. A, that my guns would be too small for them.

Or that they would, you know, pillage my village. Well, no, he's a hero who just wants to finish the fight against the aliens. I think that's so great. He wants to do one thing and it's give the Covenant back his bomb. Yo, wait though. Master Chief. Yeah. Do they, like, is there anything bad about being Master Chief?

Like, do they wipe your brain or anything? No. No, it's nothing but blowjays and needlers. There's, like, no satire in Halo as far as I know. I think, like, the thing that's bad about being Master Chief is that, like, you're just kind of, like, lonely probably. You're like, damn, I'm always being Master Chief. Okay, well, we'll get into that. But they don't get into that in the games at all.

They're kind of just, like, every time someone sees you, they're like, oh, my God, I love you, you're Master Chief. Yep. Oh, my God. Oh, it's Master Chief. Is this listenable for people? No. Yeah. No.

People love this. Okay. This is our first episode that has women listeners. If this is your first time listening to Quarriors, I just want to say. Ring that bell. Ring that bell. Welcome to the pod. It's like this every time.

That's what I want to say. All right. Well, let's read this answer. I just want to say definitively, from what you've told me, he is not overrated. No, he's not overrated at all. He's the real deal. he's really cool he's so fucking sick i wish i was him all right um baron says as someone who prides himself on being the biggest halo nerd yeah he kind of is but only by today's standards

okay dude in the 50s you could be master chief all you wanted it was cool back then you could support a whole family on being master now with me too um the only time he is ever a character and not just a cool dude is in the books and in Halo 4. Even if you read all the books, you'll notice that he's kind of a Gary Sue. He's given the trait of luck, which effectively means he can BS his way

out of any situation because he's lucky. Yeah, he's a Mary Sue because the games are not supposed to be like good stories. They're just like, wouldn't it be fun to shoot a bunch of aliens? Yeah, and it is. And it's really fun.

It turns out it's the most fun thing there is, is murder. And that's not me saying that. That's Master Chief. While the other Spartans all have traits that truly distinguish them apart, like Kelly's speed, Linda's sniping, or Grace's explosive expertise. Linda? If your name's Linda, you can't be in Halo, by the way.

I also really like... You gotta have a name like Klebulon or something. This is such a gamer's understanding of, like, story structure, where they're like, he doesn't have any, like, character flaws. Like Kelly. Kelly's good at speed. or lynda who's good at sniping she has no cqc um yeah there's not like a grace of wrath how none of the characters were good at sniping my main flaw is that i'm really good at explosives that's my big character character trait is that i love grenades i drive the warthog

where we go in chief that's what i say in there um all the chief really has is quote best leader who's lucky since the books come on the books that he stars in are related to how much you're underselling him leader his character has effectively remained static until 343 took the franchise over which is one positive that came out of it the reason he has such a massive fan base however is because back in 2003 story wasn't too important you just needed a distinguishable character that looked cool to have people rally behind them since master chief was the mascot character of a whole new console and the main character of the best game on said console of course he got a giant fan base they just tended to be blinded when it comes to how weak he actually

is as a character again because he's not specifically good at speed i'm sorry but if you save the whole earth from the covenant you cannot be overrated no these bastards how dare are they i don't know what they exactly want from us but i don't like it i can't believe someone would ever dare say that uh they're like really tough overrated they're like uh super mutants and fallout right they're like big guys they're very big yeah yeah so they're big i don't like whatever they squash me they're big like our spartans who we respect who's big the covenant oh so the covenant some of them are big they're they're like a co a collective of alien races Yeah, okay.

I understand that, and then there's different enemy types in that way, but also, okay, so the Covenant wins the war, hypothetically. Sure. Then what? What do you mean, then what? Like, is that bad? It's bad for the humans. And why?

What do they want? They would die. They just want to kill all the humans? I think they do want to, yeah, probably want to take over, you know, our planets or whatever. I don't know that. I think also they want to- I don't know that. I think they might want to activate the Halo Rings.

They, first of all, you cannot activate those Halo Rings. I think that's what they might want to do. Unless the flood comes back. This is the problem is that I don't think video games are good stories, like kind of fundamentally. I know that everyone argues like, are video games art? I kind of just don't think so. I don't think you can say that on air.

People will get mad. But generally when there's cut scenes and stuff like that, I'm like, who cares, who cares, who cares, who cares, who cares? And I skip through them. That's where the story is. I just want to shoot the aliens. Did you even see the 90-minute end of Metal Gear Solid 4? I've been skipping through all the cut scenes in the new Zelda game,

And I have a few friends who are genuinely, I think, a little upset with me. Yeah, I'm like kind of upset with you a little bit. I'm not even playing that game. Every fucking cutscene is so long and they're all just like, well, there's a dark wizard in these worlds who I think is using his darkness to take over the world. You can't make fun of the dark wizard when you are literally pretending to be Link all day. But I'm like, I get it. That's relevant information for you. I know who the dark wizard is.

His name is Ganondorf. I've played him a thousand hours in Smash Bros. do you think master chief is overrated or not no he's a good guy he's a good guy sorry he's good at luck if anything he's underrated yeah thank you because he's so important to humans now this is we have so many questions we must move on to the next one but we both agree on the first one master chief is not not overrated underrated of anything okay so okay question two if you're still listening thank you by the way because we're gonna really get into a lot of interesting stuff in this why is master chief so iconic if he barely has a personality he saves us

from the covenant next question what do you want from him they're going to activate the halo ring oh yeah this is not a joke master chief saves us from the covenant and also he's a womanizer like shut up womanizer you're a womanizer master chief what would be a good personality trait

for master chief nobody makes that parody other than cool guy and also tag us in it if you make it yeah also so it's like a Britney Spears parody

and the song name is womanizer parenthesis master chief and it's the same song but she says master chief and that's the idea

for the thing I think that's a good idea okay so I don't I don't think we have to read the question for this do we want to read this guy's answer

no that's what I'm saying is I don't think we have to it's going to be like another essay oh my god it's so long look at this bullshit he saves you from the covenant you would be a stain on their boots um I can't read this I don't know if they have boots I don't know what they look like

and you know what the thing is is I think of them and I think of the Gears of War guys because I thought that was a cooler series they have chainsaws on their guns it doesn't make any sense I genuinely am a little sad I didn't um look up more Master Chief stuff before this episode which is pathetic yeah i did i uh blindsided jeremy yeah i wanted him to go in raw i wanted him to bust we need the

raw jeremy master chief knowledge okay question three why is it master chief ever promoted um what would he be promoted to a double master chief what the fuck are you talking about well in the in the military there is a real master chief rank and you can i think go above it you could be like general like general is higher than master why is the general commander chief first of all if you're ever promoted to the rank of supreme commander that is the best but the thing is master chief isn't good at like strategy

you don't need a guy who's nine feet tall in your war room to be like what if we put the army a little bit over here he's the guy you drop in and he just kills everybody he finishes the fight and he does it at a time

when people are crazed about the Iraq war which is kind of what that is by the way poor job finishing that fight all we did was kind of make isis yeah what if master chief made the coveted version of isis and you know he might because i haven't played the game um when where's arbiter and all this oh wait so i have a question is cortana so cortana is master chief's blue girlfriend who lives in his phone okay so here's the thing about cortana though so so the woman who runs the spartan program who kidnaps all these kids and trains them to be super soldiers her name is dr katherine halsey cortana is an ai that is designed to look and

sound exactly like her again jeremy knows nothing about the franchise so so master chief's like buddy who everyone jokes it's like kind of his girlfriend is his mom as well so there's a little bit of weird uh perfect circle for some people oh but he doesn't have enough personality because he's not good at sniping specifically yeah well he's dating his mom he's dating his mom and she's blue and he's nine feet tall um yeah that's why he's not promoted is because uh what do you i think it's a misunderstanding intentionally like he is at he is at the top of his use capability in his field he's not uh he's not the brain of the operation he would be terrible if you put him in like an office yeah sure he's too tall and you want him to like scan documents what is

that what you want i assume that's what you do at a certain level in the army yeah you got to like Do some clerical stuff. What if he became a governor or something? You know how sometimes army vets will run for Senate? Yeah. You don't have a senator master chief. He's still in the armor. Like Ulysses S. Grant became president.

Yeah. Kind of thing. Secretary of defense. You have to publish your memoirs at a certain level, too. Yeah. That would be interesting. I can't see him using his giant fingers for that purpose. No.

Any purpose that isn't murder or pleasuring his mother. He's really good at murder. Who lives in his phone. He is really good at pleasuring his mother who lives in his phone. And how does he pleasure her? Cortana. By murdering aliens. Every game, pretty much, Cortana turns evil.

What? Yeah. Why would she turn evil? She gets corrupted a lot, and then a lot of the plot is like, Master Chief's got to save Cortana. That's a lot of them. What? Master Chief is constantly saving Cortana.

From what I understand about Cortana, she's not like a real lady, so how is she i mean what would be the point of corrupting she's actually like one of the realest ladies ever you know we have cortana questions coming up so okay he wasn't promoted because he's at the top of his uh skill tree yeah i'm trying to see if there's any like actual funny answers or even like any that just tell you a lot about the navy i'd appreciate um yeah he's a good soldier this is the one quora community where no cops have showed up to tell you about the time they shot a guy. Master Chief is the highest achievable enlisted rank in the Navy.

Therefore, in order for him to become an officer, he would have to go to college to become an officer. It's the same way the Navy works. So he'd have to go to college. Because he'd have to go to college. That's why he's not promoted. You're doing like a group project and your fucking group project buddy is Master Chief.

Hold this beaker, Master Chief. Let's meet up in the library. I'm busy tomorrow. Can somebody handle my part? I'm finishing my homework. I have football practice. He plays football. He'd be good at it.

He would be good at it. Master Chief, if you're listening, try out. Everyone's waiting for you to try. This answer is fun. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but just the first sentence. Well, if you read the books, the answer seems pretty simple, at least to me. And then he goes on to explain that. All right.

Well, he'd have to go to college is the answer. If they stuck him on a warship leading a fleet of ships, he would be brilliant, sure. But he probably would have died from the technologically superior Covenant ships, and the war would have been lost. Yeah, so. So why would you even ask that? So we're just asserting that infantry wins wars. That's really interesting. Is Master Chief a real U.S. Armed Forces rank in the Navy and Coast Guard?

That one's just yes, right? That one's just yes. He has an embarrassing story. Do you want to read it, or is it going to be boring? It will certainly be boring. Should we read it, though? Yeah. All right, let's see.

I have an embarrassing story. The first day I reported to Admiral staff on the USS Kitty Hawk, it didn't start it out well. I was a third-class petty officer and had spent a year and a half on a communication station in the backwaters of the Philippines. Officers wore white uniforms, and I hardly ever saw a chief. So here I was, first time on a ship. They tell me to report to the personnel office in Admiral's territory. look for the black tie with white stars so i start walking down the passageway and pass a marine and see the stars i spot the office no one on the opposite could just like be like one time i had

slipped and poop there you go there's a story to write a novel for you every time the door of the opposite wall opens and this guy steps out with his back to me i say morning chief he turns and glares at me i see five rows of ribbons pilot wings parachute wings and gold cord on his left shoulder with the rank of commander i quickly said sorry sir he says just reporting i nodded he opens the door to the office and announces to the six people in the room this young petty officer just promoted me to chief you see he was wearing he was wearing khaki which is the color uniform that chiefs wore at my last command turns out he was the flag secretary for the next four months that he was on staff he would remind me of the promotion i gave him it was just in jest

but i never made that mistake again could you imagine calling the flag secretary i'd never get over it i would definitely be i'd be on the internet years later being like you're not gonna you're not gonna believe this story i mean you know the folly of human human minds well one time i was on a ship i saw some khakis and just started firing from the hip. All right, this is an important question. Who would win in a fight between Master Chief and Kratos?

This is interesting, isn't it? Now, I've never played a God of War game. You haven't played God of War? Well, you know generally what he does. He apparently has sex with women. We talked about this in the last episode, and I looked it up two episodes ago, and the cut scenes of the sex stuff is...

It's insane. Oh, a mouse just went by. Oh, well, it's a good thing the apartment's full of cats. Um, although they're kind of useless with that. But anyway, please could we focus on Kratos and Master Chief?

Because the first thing you got to realize is around half of the questions are, could Master Chief kill this guy? And, uh, this is the first of many. Um, well, what do you think?

What were you saying about the cut scenes? Oh, it's filled with porn. Yeah. Well, he's Kratos. You know, he's getting it.

I didn't realize it's, I mean, we were joking last time about like press X to come. That's like in the game. Yeah, no, I wasn't joking. That's great.

I was emphatically encouraging him to bust. Yeah, I couldn't. It was weird. Well, he needs to clear his mind before he goes to war. So, okay, you could tell me all about Master Chief Jackson. Master Chief is not a sex. Yeah, which does make him stronger than Kratos in that way. Kratos has continued his line.

I think that's cool. That does actually kind of make him stronger. Is there anything cooler than continuing your line? But at the same time... Kratos is a god. I think he gets anointed to become a god. Master Chief is not a god. The whole thing about Kratos, I swear to God,

I don't want to be wrong about this in the public. I'm pretty sure his family is killed, and then he decides to kill the god of war, and then he becomes the god of war. And that's why it's called god of war. Ares. Yeah, that's why every scene is him going, Ares! And so he's the god of war,

which I do believe does make you stronger than a Master Chief, because you rip Minotaur's heads off and stuff like that. I think that's true. You know who would win in a fight between Master Chief and Kratos? Who? Us. The audience. The viewers like you.

I don't think they would fight. I think they would become friends. They would do the strong guy's handshake. Yeah. Because they're both guys. They're both cool guys. They're two great guys. And when they view YouTubes, they ring the bell.

okay this guy's doing physics in this answer so long okay wait is how can we accurately summarize what is happening here without reading it all right well this guy says kratos wins easily okay can i can i just read kratos's strength paragraph here i'm gonna do it very quickly okay so should we play some music without knowing yeah please get some music up i'll give you a second for that or dude you know what we'll do the guitar that's pretty easy how do we know how strong kratos is well you're going to need an example so from the post this is by uh ben solace who has read most halo books for kratos strength in his fight against kronos kratos catches kronos hand when he tries to crush him with a clap based in a scene where kratos

stands next to kronos fingers comparing it with the width of kratos height which seems to be five times bigger than kratos then compare comparing it with a human finger's width so we're doing science here i measured in mind to be two centimeters i found that chronos is at least 450 times bigger than a human which would make chronos over 810 meters tall a human of his size would weigh 7 million metric tons a hand represents around one percent of a human body's mass i don't know if that's true meaning that chronos hand weighs 73 000 tons chronos pulled his hand from very behind him to extended left hand almost instantly anyway so this keeps going for a while And then we revert to a formula of one half at the second multiplier equals S.

Like we're doing physics. And then they essentially calculate that Kratos' strength is around 18 million tons or 1.6 billion newtons. Okay. So that's really strong. And then he does some math for chief strength. And I think it ends up, it's near the bottom here. The post just keeps going for a while. I think at like 10,000 newtons.

So, I mean, it's got to go to Kratos, right? And everyone listening at home is like, we know it's Kratos. But he starts talking about the different abilities. Chief has energy shields. He has thrusters, a hard light shield, a bubble shield, active camo, Promethean vision, hologram projections, and over shield. I don't know what most of that stuff is, but would you like to make a pitch for it

before I get this to Kratos handedly? I think Kratos wins pretty easily 18 what was it? 18 billion newtons it doesn't even make any sense conclusion this was written by Jordan Peterson

no no hey if you're listening at home Mr. Peterson is not in this thread this guy's conclusion is that Kratos wins but Chief could win if he has forerunner weapons. But those are rare and not standard. He also said hoes are rare.

But that was a typo. But also, hoes are rare. Hoes are rare, dude. Uh-huh, honey. Long delay on the uh-huh, honey. That's enough of that answer. Thank you. Fine. Who would win?

Master Chief or Captain America? I think Master Chief wins this one. I think Master Chief wins it because they're like the same guy, but one has fancy space armor. Next question. Who would win, Master Chief or John Wick? Oh, that is a great question. So John Wick also has the ability of luck, I would argue.

I think Master Chief is going to murder John Wick so easily. John Wick dies at the last John Wick. So, I mean, and if Master Chief was in there, I don't think it would be much of a problem. with a russian bouncer the way john wick does what if batman got the green lantern ring i don't know this is how it feels it's like it's not stupid john wick it's the master chief episode what if the arbiter sucked his own dick it's a no one is asking these questions except quora And we're an important research podcast.

John Wick teamed up with Gravemind. This guy's also doing physics in here, which I do. John Wick is a normal guy. John Wick is a normal guy. He cannot kill Master Chief. Master Chief can go on killing sprees even. Killing spree. Can I just say this one's interesting?

Who would win Master Chief versus Han Solo and Chewbacca? Easily Master Chief. Chewbacca is just a dumb version of a brute. Master Chief is ripping his arms off. First of all, Chewbacca is so strong. Han Solo is a guy. He has the Wookiee crossbow. Yeah, but Master Chief's got Overshield.

So you shoot him once, big deal. You shoot Han Solo one time, he's dead. Han Solo and Chewbacca. It's not either or. There's double your trouble. If Linda was there. Is the question who would win Master Chief and Linda versus Han Solo and Chewbacca? No, it's not.

It's just Master Chief by himself. And he's just all alone and he's scared. And that's going to affect him for certain. And Han Solo is known for his trickery, bar none. First of all and foremost. How quickly has Master Chief done the Kessel Run? He's never even done it. He's never even done the Kessel Run.

I think that's what it's called. I think all he does is he jacks off all goddamn day. Does the suit jack him off? That's the question people always have. Does the suit jack him off? And I want to know, where does the cum go? I was like the space suit question. Yeah.

Yeah, like where does the pee go? Where does the cum go? Where does the cum go? I do think he's probably getting jacked off a little bit. He's eating that cum, I think, though. I think it would be unrealistic to be like, okay, Master Chief, you're going to fight the Covenant and never jack off.

Unless, of course, you get into the fact that we have like, they have cleared his mind to become like a human doll? Yeah, he's the... No, well, he's not because he can... He's pretty... He can talk and stuff.

The amount you are willing to go to bat that Master Chief is like a normal guy. He's like... He's just one of the boys. I would love to hang out with Master Chief.

I think he's probably super boy. Give me a beer. What are you doing, Master Chief? Finishing this kebab. I bet he could have so many beers because he's so tall.

yeah no way you could out he's like andre the giant he's like andre the giant but he's not gonna die young unless he's murdered by the covenant master chief is canonically like 50 in the games that's so cool he's a cool guy you he knows so much more about life than i do his name is john i that's the thing i like least out of this entire thing by the way is their names are john and linda it's all biblical shit i think john 117 is like some bible verse it's also just the most common name in the fucking world. Jonathan. John.

Wait, John Wick is also a John. Yeah, John versus John Bynum. What is that? What's that all about? We agreed Master Chief would kill him. Anyway, I would like to finish my pitch for Han Solo and Chewbacca. Han Solo, he's tricking you. He's getting the trick, yeah. I don't think he's that tricky of a guy.

What do you mean he's not that tricky of a guy? He's a smuggler. He tricks the death star he's a he's a nerf herder you're just saying these slurs to get clout online we'll give this one to master chief just because you're being so stubborn about it um who would have wanted to fight master chief or samus now this is interesting because they both be looking like robot guys yeah but sam is famously a girl samus is a girl and i keep that in mind because

that's going to come up later um when you beat halo they don't show you master chief in his undies I'll tell you that much. Don't you see his face finally? No. He takes off his helmet, but the camera pans down. Okay, that's out of respect. If you mod it to move the camera back up into what his face looks like, it's just another Master Chief helmet.

Well, that sucks. Samus, I don't know if Samus has superhuman strength or anything. I mean, outside of the suit, I think she loses. Oh, yeah. She's not genetically modified as far as, and you know what? I'm now backing into Metroid lore because I don't know any of this either.

She might as well be John Wick to me. I'd love to have a beer with Samus. I would love that. I'm a feminist and an ally. What? Yeah, she's Zero Suit Samus when she's got just the blue suit on. Yeah, she's got a suit on.

She's like, she's got a cool suit. Yeah. She seems like a fun time. She has a laser whip. Yeah. I think that's cool, but I don't think she has like reinforced steel legs or anything.

The only thing with Samus is that if we were hanging out with her, I know that she wouldn't like me because I'd constantly be like, can you turn into a ball for us real quick? Oh, yeah. She hates that. Can you just real quick turn into a ball? She hates that. And she's like, that's when I'm in the suit. I do that.

I'm not happy when I do that. I'm just doing it for my job. I don't like fitting in small tunnels. Samuses only do that when they're upset. Hey, I'm off the clock. Don't ask me to do a puzzle right now. Hey, why don't you tell me a joke, asshole? I'll tell you a joke if you turn into a ball.

that's like a totally fair trade yeah that would absolutely be happy to do that i would look up a joke yeah look up i'd like to find a joke book yeah then set a series of traps for her and her ball see if she can get out of them she can she's samus she's samus um i do think in the ball like i don't think master chief's ever dealt with a ball you'd kick it like a soccer ball i think just go boom you love master chief so much man he's a normal guy master chief would he's cooler than Jorge, one of the other Spartans. There's a guy named Jorge? Yeah, there's a lot of weird ones. Give them

better names. Okay, why does Master Chief kill Cortana? I don't think I got to that game. Is this is it in the game? Oh, it's Halo 5. I never really got that far. Cortana turns evil all the time. Most Halo games are an allegory

for how dudes rock. If your mother is your girlfriend and she's evil once, shame on you. No, her. She turns evil two to another four times? Shame on me. And you have to finish the fight in that situation.

And he finishes the fight in Halo 3, to be clear. So Halo 4... Which fight? Against the Covenant. Don't you play as the Covenant sometimes? Or is that the Arbiter? You can play as the Arbiter, who is an alien, but he weaves the Covenant,

and he's a rogue, and he's friends with Master Chief. and they probably kiss when the cameras aren't on. What does his mouth look like? It's like four mouths. It's weird. How would you kiss somebody like that?

It opens four ways. A lot of animals don't kiss specifically because their mouths are not like kissing mouths. I think I've seen some drawings where I'm pretty sure Arbiter can kiss. I don't want a mouse to be in my house. I hope it escaped wherever it was. I felt bad saying it even.

It felt like I was a curse or something. I'm not going to stop the show and find the mouse, but... I wish the Arbiter was here so it could take care of this situation by popping that thing in its jaws. Quick, quick waffles. Where's our producer?

Yeah, where's our... He doesn't have any teeth either. He's kind of useless. I think maybe we get Luna in the picture. Luna do her thing over here. Okay, so... Wait, did we want to read any of that one? Do you want to know why?

I mean, I don't... Oh, so anyway, this person, he argues Cortana is still alive. I like that he says, I see many variants of this question today. It's so true. He says it like a politician. I'm tired of people asking why does Master Chief go to Cardona.

People come to me every single day and ask if Master Chief could beat John Wick. And I tell those good people, if I'm president, I will find out. I tell those good people, they're both named John. They're both named John. And that's an American name. Too many Americans forget they're both John. We need to come together. How much time has it been?

Has it been a million years, or has it been three seconds? I cannot tell. Apparently, Gordon is still alive. I don't know anything about fucking Halo. Yeah, me neither, man. It sucks. All right, let's read this one. Okay, this is good.

What is Master Chief's overall kill count? I think this could have a good answer. He's on a spree. Wait, stealing spree. Not only a spree. Hunter Taylor has a good answer, but it neglects the books. I don't know. Do you know Hunter Taylor?

No, I do not. Is that somebody in Halo? Oh, there's a TLDR at the bottom. Thank God. We need more of these on Quora. The technology hasn't fully come across yet. They're mostly a Reddit thing. And we didn't read.

And we didn't read. It's in the Millions of Covenant and Billions and Billions of Flood. And Billions of Forerunner Promethean Constructs. Wow, so he's like a mass murderer then, huh? Wait, he's one of the top two deadliest humans alongside Vice Admiral Whitcomb. Who the fuck is that? Oh, you know, Vice Admiral Whitcomb. He's not as high as Master Chief in the ranks, but he's got a lot of heart.

Who is that? I don't know. Don't ask me who Vice Admiral Whitcomb is. I wasn't sure if it was like a real guy. For some reason in my head, I was waiting for like, yeah, Master Chief's the second most deadliest guy after George W. Bush. After Abraham Lincoln. Admiral Whitcomb. What the fuck is this?

It's another Halo guy. Oh, it is a Halo guy. There's no one in the real world who's killed billions of anything. I don't know who this man is. It's too big of a number. Well, I thought it was like an ironic thing. First of all, I'll say they got to promote him to Admiral. They got to promote him to Admiral.

Yeah, he's a vice Admiral. It is kill count. Dan Forth. This guy's name is Dan Forth. How do you feel about that? Is that better than Linda? Yeah, that's a good sci-fi name, Dan Forth. He's got a great mustache, dude.

Yeah, he's a cool guy. and the fact that he's murdered so many lives makes me like him more it seems that he's just in the in the books he's a books only character how many of the books have you read zero sure i'm reading a fucking halo book i'm an adult man yeah sure i don't think you've read any of them you actually know nothing about masters i will read the wikipedia pages because they are fun okay alright well now we know

that Admiral ah shit wait did we ever it was billions of millions was the answer so why how did he kill

so many and he dropped like I don't know he did the halo or something did he do the halo you played

but you skipped all the cut scenes yeah I don't really read that shit I haven't played a halo game since I was a child it's so frustrating

trying to teach you as your teacher knowing that you're going and you're pulling up the game You're skipping the cut scenes. You're not getting any of the lore.

No. How do you kill all these fucking people? Do you think they count the multiplayer in this calculation? Because that shouldn't count. No, that's not always him. Oh, because he's Master Chief killing Master Chiefs? That's silly. Yeah, you're just a Spartan in multiplayer.

Yeah, you're just a guy. That's why you can change the color. Yeah. And you get the jet pack. That's where red versus blue comes from. And it's so funny. it is pretty fun they really know how to make you laugh at red versus yeah what was your favorite red versus blue joke uh the calling the warthog a puma

oh rooster teeth uh okay so um all right why is this good why are you so fixated on cortana Why is Master Chief so fixated on Cortana? Okay, because it's his mommy. Yeah, our answer is it's his mommy. Because it looks like his mommy. And she gave him the suit that jacks him off. And she jacks him off in the suit. But where does it come from?

He puts the little AI thing in his brain, and then I imagine she's jacking him off in there. Yeah, she's got to be. That's the danger of AI. Otherwise, why do you have to be listening all the time? I don't know. I think there's something really unsettling about such a big guy like Master Chief. He's normal.

He's just regular. You want to date Master Chief so badly. He's taken. He's dating Cortana. Could you read the answer? Because she's been with him through more than just about any other person. I believe they were separated in Halo 2, although I could be wrong. So that means she was with him through several operations to destroy Halos,

as well as going through Requiem with him. She's one of the only people who actually understands him and has experienced what he has, except for the other members of Blue Team. Wait, there's a real Blue Team? I think so, yeah. I thought that was just like a joke for multiplayer. They're not literally blue. They're just called blue team.

Yeah. Because Master Chief is green. Sorry, liberals. The color of money. Oh, but Master Chief can be all kinds of colors. He's green. He's green. He's a green-blooded American.

He wears the green suit. He's like a croc. He's notably green. He's so green. And when he calibrates it, he looks up, and then he looks down, and then he looks left, and then he looks right. Yeah, I've seen that. And you can adjust the brightness on your television.

Sorry, that part. uh but also at this time i would say uh cortana not a real lady and she lived in the phone this feels like it was written by cortana where he's like because she actually understands him better than anybody and she loves him so much oh this is funny uh about the author caleb dyrood is a licensed 107 uas pilot this guy's in the military uh yeah this is what he's working on over there is the Cortana operations. Okay, here's a good question. Oh, this is a good one.

How badass is Master Chief? I'd say pretty badass. Well, at what point are you a villain if you murder all these life forms, I guess is the question, because this is the step that Ender's Game takes that Halo does not take. Halo does not do this.

Halo is never like, you ever wonder why we're killing all these freaking bugs? Halo goes, if you ask that in Halo, because they're bad they're bad they're ugly they're really big and sometimes small yep and some of them are called jackals what is what is the flood by the way the flood is like quickest quickest way you could tell me 1400 years ago there was a there's a man no i'm just kidding um there was the flood is like a zombie thing it's like a zombie curse that like gets onto people and aliens and turns them into like little nasty zombies it kind of sounds like this

religious uh order is probably correct if the flood is a real zombie race that chases them yeah and so maybe master chief was wrong to do it to him even though he had to do it to him yeah i think the prophets of the covenant are corrupt or something i don't remember i don't know it's the first of all you got to get out and vote if you're in the covenant if you're in line stay in line we are gonna end this war with master chief should we read any of it's there's no tldr uh just like the first i would like to read the last sentence chief is way more badass than people give him credit for and i hope i answered your question can we read the beginning too okay how badass is master chief let me put it this way when chief was barely 14

he killed and incapacitated five of the most elite unsc operators with single punches imagine seal team six level but he skilled but cranked up to 11 on steroids that's not what i imagine seal team six does i don't think they go around punching guys ever really ripped an arm off a 10 foot mech suit and kicked it nine yards away it was it was a dodge point blank gunfire like it was no big deal wow let me stress this was when he was 14 years old when chief got older Halo 2-3 era. Flipping 3.5 ton Warthogs into the air with one hand was light work. Wait, so is he

14 in Halo 1? No. He's like 40. That's a book thing. Also, when they say like flipping a Warthog, that's just like if your Warthog gets stuck, you can like press X to flip it. I don't think that's like canon. Well, it would be impressive. That's like if you anger the lacrosse team and they pick your car

up and turn it sideways in the high school parking lot. That would be impressive. That happens sometimes. You get enough angry boys, they turn your car side with. But Master Chief wouldn't need other boys because he could do it by himself and that's how badass he is. Hell, one time the man was sprinting

at 45 miles an hour while headshotting jackals 30 yards away and pulling the trigger on his magnum so fast the shots were bleeding together. But that's all just the start. It's a lot longer. I can't read the rest of this. It keeps going forever. But the answer is he's so badass.

He's so fucking badass. He's way more badass. Somewhere in the middle of this he goes like, that's why I feel like he's more badass and someone like doom slayer it's like okay who's doom slayer the guy from doom that guy's just named doom slayer yeah well that is a better name than john though the thing about doom slayer is that they only decided like five years ago that's his name and officially his name was always just doom guy before that that's awesome that's a way better name doom guy rules guy is a great name uh what's our next question um okay okay now we're getting so we have two

more here these are the most pressing ones and i think that we should spend some time on them okay should we make halo's master chief a homosexual in the next game to be more inclusive now this is written by connor holcomb avid gamer and even more avid halo fan do you think what do you think oh wait no he did the answer the answer my question is what do you think oh so what do i think should first of all i think that he is gay and he's he's dating uh so i wouldn't even rule out that he's gay based on like the things in the game because he doesn't

date anybody except for his phone girlfriend which isn't really like they're not really dating in the game if you're dating a hologram it doesn't matter what shape it is he's like straight up in the movie her yeah he's living the movie hurt that's what I've been thinking this whole episode I've been bottling it up keeping it down

keep keep it to yourself we're talking halo today we're talking halo we can't talk about that but guess what it's pretty much exactly walking phoenix and her i think that ai art is like destructive for the industry but if someone could like do an ai filter over the movie her so that it's master chief and cortana that would rock that would be really good and it would be art in that way art and and we would have to support it in that case we'd have to change our minds um and so yeah they should make him homosexual to make the game more inclusive i love men was this a big backlash in the community with

the gay halo players like and you know i'm no one in this game represents me i i can't connect with any of the chiefs master all the parts where master chief is fucking women it's just getting out of hand now if they said well they make kratos gay in the next game i'd be like you know what it's only interesting because he fucks a lot of women in those games he's canonically greek you're gonna tell me he's not sucking one dick are you kidding me i don't think you're lucky if it's an adult literally an ancient greek man that'd be such a funny thing of like the game has a part where you have to fuck a guy and the the developer's just like be thankful it's an adult we could have made it a kid it would have been easy for us you should be spanking us we would

just make the little polygon smaller oh we would just slide that down we just we give them a little cap to show that he's a fun lad. You're welcome. But anyway, he's just gay. And that's not to conflate the two. It's just a thing about ancient Greece. It's just what they did. It's what they did.

It's what they did. It's like literally like this hasn't been an episode that's been really revealing about us as people. And I want to be on the record. I don't like that they did that. This is our weirdest episode. I don't like that Play-Doh did that.

And then we have to hear his crazy cave ideas. Or like, what if a mongoose stole from a fish or whatever his bullshit was all the time? He's always talking about that. I'm thinking of Aesop there, but. What's a second Play-Doh thing? I don't know. How many Covenant did Play-Doh kill? Zero.

Who knows? None. He was too busy having sex with children, probably. Well, it was mentorship. that's how you know they people complain about this intern system but at least we've made long strides from the ancient greece i keep thinking of mentorship tradition little clever flips on like pedophilia and i'm like i'm not gonna what are we gonna do what are we doing here what is this anyway yeah they should make him gay there's a long answer about how he shouldn't date anyone

he doesn't do that i think this is a great answer uh spartans are already technically fall into the lgbtq community because they are for the most part asexual slash aromantic great quora answer hot quora answer master chief is lgbt he gets his own flag master chief on the fuck he is he's hardcore and ace and sober that's like when you see like the fucking lockheed martin pride march he's vegan and he's killed billions of people master chief so loud at fucking pride he's aromantic also he's a mass murderer he's the greatest murderer in human history the number one weapon ever created i mean up with vice admiral whitcomb his name is danforth okay i think i just want to i'm just checking something okay yep

uh they were uh they were raised from age six without any influence on the outside world no romance movies sorry romance movies i don't know why i said romance movies romance yeah if if if master chief started watching friends his grandma would come in and say they kiss in this and she turned it off no romance movies are books to awaken their sexuality they were raised to be soldiers and soldiers alone not lovers not social creatures by any definition spartans were to be seen as stoic cold-hearted soldiers making the master chief homosexual let alone giving him any romance at all would be entirely out of characters romance and the halo series is for the marines odsts and spartan fours alone romances for the marines keep those bounds lock thorn veil tanaka

homosexual sure but the spartan twos have no place being romantic twos have no place being romantic thanks for writing in here's the thing this is such a funny like take on a romantic asexual people it's like we all know asexual people raised from birth to be like that due to the government they're born to kill they have no time for love i find that the people who like their parents never let them have like romance movies or anything like that are the most freaky nasty person you know what i mean like because then they have to become horny about like normal shit my grandma wouldn't let me watch boy meets world one time when she was over and i was like i watched this though topanga is an important figure in my life

and so anyway master chief didn't have that yeah i'm trying and yet he's still asexual hardcore yeah and he's lgbt thank you for writing in our final question and this is the most important one of the entire episode okay i think we can all agree this is the best episode we've ever done and everyone is loves it everyone wants more of this but the last question and this is answered by somebody who's already answered a question today is master chief a girl this is such a perfect question because it's answered by the

guy who answered the first one it's such a like fucking I don't know it's a Chekhov's gun

or a Boris it's the ultimate Quora Boris is that the word with the snake that

eats its own butt Ouroboros Ouroboros whatever whatever Baron says yeah man

you got it Master Chief's a girl oh my god if this is misconception is from watching if i wrote this question and then read the two dot dot dots that follow that sentence i would uninstall the internet from my computer i'd be like this

for mind sweeper now i am not going online again not after that is master chief a girl incident oh my goodness uh what do you think is that chief a girl i think no well you don't see his body no he could be anybody under that all we know is his name is john and he was made essentially in a lab and it seems like he probably wouldn't be a girl based on everything else we know a boy but i don't know his inner heart i mean they're calling him he him the whole time so yeah out there maybe they're dead naming master chief and it's like master chief has decided we can't do this bit i'm just saying i'm thinking of a single way master chief could be a girl Because Master Chief, in any other way, is not a girl.

Respectfully, if Master Chief was trans... Then Master Chief could be a girl, but Master Chief isn't a girl. It's true. Master Chief isn't a girl. He simply isn't. Folks, we tried to think of if he could be. We couldn't think of a single way. We did the math.

It's impossible. You might be thinking of Linda, who is good at sniping. if you put her in the iron sights you're yesterday's lunch yeah you're fucked you're done for if linda's got you in her sights well i hope you're happy we did the master chief episode what is the last sentence here say i don't know this misconception from watching haloid then monty ohm has already confirmed that spartan is nicole the crossover character made for dead for alive dead or alive oh so there's a there's confusion yeah you can play as uh is this about haloid is this about haloid let me just ask is this about haloid oh no this tore apart the halo

community years ago and now it has returned haloid the haloid debates um i'm super impressed that we read all of those could master chief killed the guy things and the only one he couldn't kill was kratos no yeah he can kill pretty much anybody he can kill pretty much it is actually i'd love to hang out with master chief he's so cool hey jay dog pound the rock found it master chief you're a cool guy pound let me make sure not to break your fist master chief let me ask you a question what's gucci man where's all the cum go in your zoot it goes in a tube nice it helps me clear my mind and it powers my bio shield all right next week muslim jeremy next week's muslim jeremy thanks for writing in tell your women friends about this podcast and we're gonna ask

a question this week what do you want to ask something about master chief i assume what is the greatest sin in islam yeah and if it doesn't make sense it's better and somebody else already asked it yes yes they have put it on apologies to whoever our guest is on the next episode which we are recording tomorrow why does okay this is something we're going to talk about later but every time you type something in quora now it tries to send you to chat gpt yeah chat gpt there's no time today there's no time today it has nothing to do with Master Chief. Finish the fight.