Quorators - How Difficult Would It Be To Tackle A Mass Shooter?

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Can I go to jail if I kill a murderer (no self defense, just went to his house and did it)? I caught my atheist watching Harry Potter on his laptop even though I told him it's a sin. What should I do?  How do I keep my dog warm in winter? She's an outside dog (not my choice, I can't do anything about it). ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

All right, fun's over. Podcast time. Welcome back to Quarators here on crack.com, home of the fact, and also not.com, it's the YouTube page. We're your hosts, Alex and Jeremy, and I'm Alex, that's Jeremy. That's Alex. every week we read quoras we go on to quora we say here are some interesting quoras and then we read them here on the youtube you go to cracked to the youtube to hear about quora you go on your computer you type crack.com you've hit yourself in the head with your hand because that's not what you meant to type you type youtube.com slash crack cracked or you go to your profile you go to

youtube click profile click subscriptions find crack sure and then see what they've put up recently then you open up a new tab you type in quora you think no i don't want to go there by myself i want the quorators to curate the quoras for me at this point you should probably call a doctor of some kind because like things are really getting away from you in a way that may indicate some kind of serious medical issue some kind of disturbance something's wrong tell your tell a family member you're messed up you are not doing well welcome to quaraders now last week we did all love questions isn't that right jeremy it was kind of a kind of a time for love back romance but not anymore we're done with that over if you're bringing love in here there's the door

you can't see it it's off camera but um we got all kinds of other stuff and probably a lot of it's like kind of um it's about a confrontation and life and thriving and so we're not talking about love this episode but first our question from last week and that's about love because it's from then and not now question this is the question we asked last week it was can i steal my son's baby girl okay i am interested to see what people think of this and if it will just be commenters uh wishing curses on us and trying to uh hurt us with magic first answer from lindsey Thomas who's a gamer at Minecraft parentheses video game says yes you physically could but many of us younger zoomers may consider this pedophilia as dating people younger than you

is undoubtedly gross and icky have fun getting canceled idiot okay so that's got to be a listener to our show right they're having too much fun with it yeah they've only answered our question that's a listener okay quick reminder if you're going to answer the questions you got to use the words scrambled eggs and hey try not to make us say the word pedophilia in the first three minutes of the episode people can clip it and send us to jail is that what you want we're not making enough money for now we're podcasting from prison we're asking questions on quora about prison we have no time to curate properly we're applying firsthand knowledge is that what you want we're really putting a positive spin on this but no you don't do that please uh what about other people christopher

Brent Jays who has a BA in business administration from Shasta College expected 2027 says why would you steal your child's lover would you want your lover stolen from you stealing a lover would not only crush your son he would probably hate you for the rest of

your life if you don't want that to happen then just don't do it why would I do it cause I gotta have it and then someone else said hello Christopher your posts are worth reading though we are not following each other please kindly follow and I'll follow back I want us to be friends, and you can share some of your thoughtful ideas with me.

Thanks. Okay, great. So that guy's team follow back, and we're going to steal the other one's girlfriend. This guy's name is Derek Graham. His bio is, you never fail until you stop trying, Italian-American. I do not think that this is a listener. I don't know why that's so funny back to back. I think if you read it like one sentence, it's funny.

Okay. And then one other person said, uh, dot, dot, dot, sure. Okay. So they all agree we could do it. We could do what we wanted to. My son doesn't know what's coming. Nope. They think they're so rich in women that they can get away with whatever they want.

They don't know I'm going to be creeping in the window for the baby girl. Yeah. Your adult son. Your adult son. Yeah. We have to specify because we are not going to prison. Don't clip this show. Please don't clip our show.

It's not a show that's meant to be clipped except when we do it. No, when we do it and we put it on TikTok. And then everyone is really kind to us. What's going on? Let's go into our first segment. It's the Quoker. It's our incel and manosphere segment. And this is a song that we wrote.

It's an original song that represents Quokers. Yeah. What if the Joker is on Quora? That's kind of indicated with this song. It would be interesting. He'd ask a lot of interesting questions, I think. He would ask why so serious. Yeah.

Do you want to know how I got these scars? How did you get your scars? He's kind of like the original Quora user in a way. That was probably what they intended the character to be, was the original Quora user who fights Batman. Anyway. Also, he's stronger than it seems like he should. Sometimes the Joker is strong, and sometimes he's not.

What do you mean by that? Sometimes he's normal human strength, and then other times he can dent a car and stuff. That's true. Like he's in the Mortal Kombat versus DC universe game and is like doing all kinds of superhuman stuff. And it's like, he's a clown. The canon is all fucked up in the Mortal Kombat versus DC game.

It's all hither and yon. Anyway, what's our question, Jeremy? Is Drunken Fist fighting, sorry, is Drunken Fist effective for real fight? Now, the reason you may have had a hard time with that title is drunken fist should be capitalized that's a note i give every week yes it is a proper noun it is the name of a style where you get shithoused and let them have well isn't it you pretend to be shithoused no no haven't you seen any of the drunken fist i thought it was a style where

you're like kind of flowing and you're like but like you're not like actually drunk you're faking it no you're actually sober i think the whole concept is your semen you have like a a yummy sake or something sure or uh a eastern spirit of some kind okay who knows what kind it could be anything it's not important what's important is you get shit housed off that shit and then you're like what about it the most notable drunken fist fighter i know of is of course jar jar binks from the star wars universe when does he do that does it all the time does he do it in the movie this is according to the theory of dark darth jar jar where he is secretly the villain of the whole franchise i haven't subscribed to this welcome to crack.com the home of the fact you do like

extra research to crack defy the people said that we weren't cracked enough well guess what i'm dan o'brien darth jar jar has been using drunken fist for 20 years welcome to the backstory of jar jar Narbix, are the prequel Star Wars movies overrated? Welcome to Cracked. They're not. They're underrated, if anything. Welcome to Cracked. Welcome to Cracked, over the fact.

No, you got to drink a bunch of it, like Jackie Chan does in The Drunken Master. There's a theory that when George Lucas wrote the original Star Wars film, Phantom of the Menace, I did not ask about this. The Phantom Menace. That he intended Jar Jar to be revealed to be the emperor at the end. And that when the movie came out, people made so much fun of the character that he was like, never mind. I never meant that. And then the character doesn't show up ever again.

I think it would have been a good twist. I don't know how he would end up being that guy who's already later in the movie. The theory is all the scenes where he's flopping around and fighting people by being an idiot is that he's doing Drunken Fist, and that he's pretending to flop around. But really, he is a Jedi master. I don't think you know what Drunken Fist is, because it's when you drink a bunch. It's not that you pretend you're drinking. No, I get you.

But Drunken Boxing, Drunken Fist. I just don't believe you. If we don't establish trust as quarators, how can we quarate? Oh, man, there's a long Wikipedia page for Drunken Fist. We're fully off-core already. Due to a scarcity of historical sources. The history of Drunken Fist is quite dispersed. I'm going to just control F Jar Jar Binks and just see if it appears.

Okay. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Would you like to just put the word Jar Jar in the Wikipedia and then we'll go back to the question? It's obviously not going to be there because it didn't end up happening. Okay, then can we take my example of Drunken Fist that is actually being drunk? because I'm going to say it's not effective for a real fight. Unless you're, okay, in the one situation where you're paralyzed by fear. It makes you feel less pain, too.

And less pain. You may be able to berserk your way through it. Or what if you're in a really cold area? Okay. Now it's making you hotter. It feels that way, but you're actually colder. You're actually getting colder. I learned that from Family Guy.

Did you? I wasn't correct. What's the family guy's? There's a family guy lying about it where Brian's drinking at the baseball game. That's not important. You know, Stewie. Yeah, what does he say to Stewie? Jar Jar was actually going to be the villain.

Oh, my fucking God. This is out of hand. They're running into Star Wars parodies on the- I just want to know if Drunken Fist is effective for real fight. Sound off below in the comments and let us know if Drunken Fist is effective for real fight. Drown out the people who are mad at us. Beat them at their own game. Defeat them here before they rise to power.

Our legions of commenters, go forth to YouTube and say LMAO. Or LMAO. Do you think it's effective in a real fight? Do I think it's effective? I think it would be because you'd kind of be like unpredictable. I feel like it would be hard to fight a drunk person. But if you're really good at fighting, maybe you'd just kick their ass. They're just worse at everything.

because they're drunk. They can't stand as good. I feel like I use drunken fist in the sense that in my verbal fights, if I get drunk, I get meaner and more confident. Do you dissect your enemies? Oh, yeah. I feel like I get confident when I drink more.

Do you not feel like that? And I get snappier. Oh, sure. I get more confident and more mean. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And I'm kind of like the bad sheriff in town when I drink too much. But that doesn't mean that my fist has improved. See, this is the issue.

If both of us get too drunk, there's two bad sheriffs in town. That's true. And the town ain't big enough for the both of us. The town is supposed to have one good sheriff and one bad sheriff. Yes. That's by design. That's how it works. Good sheriff, bad sheriff.

It's called the balance of power. What do the answers say? Can I ask that? Is that something I can even ask on this podcast? You need to be really strong and flexible and coordinated to pull off the drunken fist style of movements. But you spend a lot of time learning to do those movements and conditioning your body to do them instead of learning to fight. Which means that put up against someone who trains boxing, it may not go so well for the drunken fighter. But against a normie or just some dickhead causing trouble, the drunken boxer would probably have superior attributes, if not superior skill.

I feel like that's literally what we said. It's not what I said. That's what I said. It's not what I said. because i i think this is a dangerous door we're opening of just like encouraging strangers on the internet to get drunk before they fight and i don't think that's what i want to do we have a platform i want to use for good and that's why we're discussing star wars episode one am i allowed to read this answer or is it going to cause too much trauma just read it

Diego says, as long as you're not actually drunk. El Mal. You were waiting for me to say it. Oh, no, I just ignored it. Oh, no, yeah, but he says El Mal, though. He's laughing. He's laughing and he's rolling around. I was just saying, because I don't know if you actually are drunk.

Yeah, this has really made me second guess everything I know about drunken fighting. I just really kind of like, I have nothing now. But I'm glad you're enjoying your little show. This guy says, if you're Jackie Chan, yes it is. If you are not Jackie Chan and fight a clueless fighter or a guy that is drunk for real, it might be effective, but not as effective as boxing. If you are not Jackie Chan and fight a guy that know a bit how to fight,

you'll receive a kick in the middle, fall on the ground, and suffer a bad ground and pound. Ooh, that's a bad case of ground and pound. I know everybody hates him because of all his disowning his son and all the stuff he says, but Jackie Chan is so cool, man. He's so cool. He's like the coolest guy. Yeah, what if his son said that he couldn't win a fight by using Drunken Fist?

You'd have to disown him. He'd like kick him into a table where people are eating soup and stuff. I think he disowned his daughter, but I can't remember. He's disowning everybody because they step to his ass. Your kids are going to step to your ass when you have them. If you're Jackie Chan. Especially if you're Jackie Chan because they see you in movies and they're like, he's not that tough.

I saw him eat dinner yesterday. He's like chasing down their cars on the highway. Yeah. As they drive away. He's falling off an escalator and hitting them on the way down. He's doing all kinds of stuff. They're on the bus to school, and he's hanging onto the side of it, trying to crawl his way back in.

He does all his own stunts. He's like Tom Cruise if he was cool. Yeah. And Tom Cruise is cool. You heard it from me. You heard it here on Cracked.com. Let's go to the next one. Okay.

This is Quora Gone Wild. It's our animal segment. um this first question is do eight do navy seals get eaten by crocodiles or sharks when deployed in their amphibious missions i would like to interject and say how nice it is to have a question about animals that is not specifically can i punch them in the head it kind of is a little bit but yes well it's this is about the military do you think the sharks ever confuse a navy seal for a regular seal is that the question they dress up in those suits yeah in the in the wet suits um what do you think okay so sharks how far are navy seals going i guess is

my question well there was a navy seal swimming long distances yeah i don't think they are right i think something's gone wrong if they're swimming a long distance they'll be tired when they get places yeah they're they're on the boat they're not really doing like snorkeling i think they do like a little bit but like if you are leaving a boat and get eaten on your way to shore you did something wrong like they should true they have developed a sound cannon specifically to stop that crocodiles i better get them left and right oh yeah i bet we've lost at least 10 000 men to crocodiles since 1945 since world war ii specifically world war ii is full of like uh uh ideas where the army tried to use like bats as a weapon and stuff and i wouldn't be surprised

if we had a whole uh subdivision of the korean war that was the crocodile phase before that got reduced out i would love to do like the irregular weapons manufacturer job we're all like i got a bunch of bats i don't know i don't know what they do why don't we just send them out there i talked about this on another podcast before but the the bat idea was that they were going in the war against japan to put napalm on all of the bats set them on fire and then just like have the bats go to the houses because the houses are made out of wood and then they uh uh ran into an issue where they would drop the bats out of planes the bats would um from the altitude be asleep because they're knocked unconscious by the pressure they're just dropping dead bats

everyone oh my god on fire on fire i think it was like a detonated charge over time or something but um i hate to say it didn't work yeah the military operations of our country have never been the best but we're not sending our best no we're sending our bats we're sending our bats uh i like that idea it's just like oh yeah we're gonna strap a bomb to a dog and tell them to go fetch inside our enemy's house yo dogs are probably like the first idea yeah they're probably like if you throw a stick into that guy's bunker you don't try to get bats to do anything until dogs have been entirely ruled out they were like we ran out of poor people so we're gonna go with bats uh i got a ton of them at my house

crocs are they're they're um they're naturally disguised as logs as twigs any kind of river operation a croc is gonna get you i have bad news for you this guy dg operator says a navy seal has never been eaten by a crocodile or shark. He has to say that. He has to say that to maintain morale. There has only been one fatal shark attack on a UDT man, and it's an amazing story, really.

I'm not reading that. I'm not reading that at all. Fuck off. Is there a, uh, is there like a too long didn't read the shark got him? I don't fucking know. Too long didn't read the shark ate his ass. Want me to read it, or no? No.

no i don't the u.s navy has actually issued a statement on this although it's a bit dated 2007 it states quote in its entire history the naval special warfare development group has never had an incident where a team member was attacked by a shark that they didn't first provoke okay so this is the thing is we're recklessly deploying our young men into hostile shark engagements yeah And then whatever happens, happens after that. I know this isn't true because what about all the sharks that ate those guys in Japan that inspired, like, Jaws? Oh. Right?

So they fell off the boat. Yeah. Or the boat sank, and then they were just in the water for days at a time. They're the sharks. They came for us one by one. So, but they're not Navy SEALs. That's a true story, though. They're not Navy SEALs.

They're just guys. They're just semen. Nobody cares about semen, honestly. So they were in the Navy, though. Nobody even cares about semen. You got to retain as much semen as you can. Or else the sharks will get them. Yeah, or else you'll lose the war.

So I guess they're just normal Navy people, and it's just like, who cares? They got eaten by sharks, but no one gives a fuck. Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about that. We got a million of those back. All right, fair enough. Navy SEALs, that's a lot of training going down a croc's belly. It's like a lot of tax dollars. It's a very expensive dinner for that fucking croc.

I don't want my tax dollars being used to feed a croc. All right, let's do the next question. How do I keep my dog warm in winter? She's an outside dog. Parentheses, not my choice. I can't do anything about it. So what is the deal with this dog? They're trying to get the dog inside, and the dog's just like, I'm not going in there.

Nope. You can't lock me up. I'd rather die. I'm an outdoor guy. This is a Balto situation. It's a wild dog that you're claiming ownership of. So you got to get up close, take all your clothes off, and spoon, because it's the only way you'll survive the night.

That's right. That's what I've seen in many harrowing adventure tales. In Balto, the adult story. The scene I wrote into Balto, they cut out very unfairly. I feel like you just go up to the dog, and you get a nice jacket for him, and you put him in a jacket. see the dogs are already wearing a jacket of their fur jaren you never see a dog with jackets on i do because i live in brooklyn but it's an abomination it's not for utilitarian purposes

if you said booties little doggy booties i would be more convinced i i mean i feel like i've seen dogs wearing a nice little jacket i i don't think it's for warmth i think it's for style really because in brooklyn you either live the look or you let the look live you you ever see like a child who's so fashionable in brooklyn just feel like yesterday i saw a child not like 18 inches high in a full coordinated outfit it's with like matching shoes and i could not get over it's weirdly demoralizing i've been texting what's this child dresses better than me oh yeah the clothes are only going to fit them for around three weeks it just makes you feel so poor it really does it really does it's striking they're wearing

this baby could buy and sell you can't even walk around their big scooter oh yeah they're learning the scooter young in this part of town it's true anyway yeah you gotta snuggle with that dog or make a fire for it yeah make a fire for the dog that's a good idea fire's responsible i don't think it's gonna work the dog's not gonna like where you make a fire for a dog you keep them warm for a day you teach a dog how to make a fire you've created dog arson you've opened up a terrible history now we're fighting the dogs in a big war we're dropping bats on them never should have learned how to create technology gave the power of fire to these dogs it's like planet of the apes but against dogs yo if any of my homies give the power of fire to dogs i'm having volgers

pick out their innards for all of eternity. No cat. That's really funny. Does anybody have any good ideas for this dog question? If she's a small dog under 45 pounds, I don't know. I love how despondent this person is that they can't keep the dog inside. I have no say in the matter. She's just an outside dog.

These are too long. I don't care. all right dude there's no the hell you can't if you're sensible enough to keep the dog warm you would let it inside your house you should not own animals or even stick up for them don't even stick up if you can't if you can't even stick up oh okay all right sorry i always do that i make them funnier reading is so important i'm so bad at reading um people are just like everyone's just trying to fight op here i like this find her a better more responsible family that will care for her properly.

Dogs are pack animals. Should be living indoors with their family. Join the pack. If you can't support that, you need to find a responsible home. Even wild dogs

live in a den with their family members. Two, huddle together for warmth. Alex knew. See, I had that at one, but yeah,

you should get that dog inside. Yeah, I mean, that is kind of the answer. Why are you arguing with the dog where you're like, she just won't do it?

Her spirit is too free. She refuses to go inside. Dogs are pack animals, just like the Quarrior's fan base. Join the pack, patreon.com. We will snuggle with you to keep you warm if you join our Patreon. $5 a month for bonus episodes. $15 a month for snuggles. I'm going to touch you.

Let's move on to the quiz course. This is our politics segment. Where do I put this button? There we go. This is our politics segment. It's about politics. If you don't like that, here's the door. Again, off camera.

You can't see it. but it's there and we have to use a chair to close it because it doesn't close if donald trump comes up that can happen here because it's the correct we're not scared to bring him up and question on whether question whether he's hot there's no sacred cows in this segment speaking of sacred cows what is wrong with india now this is going to be a divisive question yeah well most of quora is indian right and i would i it does seem like most of the people on quora are living get india and so for that reason there's probably going to be people with long uh uh reasoned arguments in the comments here and i'm gonna just say as an outsider as a as a white devil i'm gonna

say ain't nothing wrong with india yeah beautiful country i think it looks good walking away none of my business hey i love what you do hey india what just wanted to get another look at you oh god you're so beautiful so many mountain ranges um all right that's that question no just kidding uh what do we get let's see what's there are there any that are uh less than 10 pages long that's the problem is that they're all so long so many pictures why are they dialogues all right let's see the country You're the third highest porn viewers. Well, what's the population?

That's not really fair. Okay. Third highest porn viewers per their population is actually like an incredible achievement. Yeah. I'm assuming the first is America, right? USA. USA. I mean, I could be wrong.

I don't know. Could be. Is Russia a similar population? Female deities are worshipped. That's nice, I guess. Oh, wait. No, they're saying that's bad? I don't know.

Yeah, I think they're saying that's bad. Oh, that's bad. Yeah, we just need male deities. Can't do that. If you can be a polytheistic religion with just a bunch of bros, just the boys hanging out. Dude, your religion is such a freaking sausage fest. I love the guy who's like, we got to take things back to their roots in a polytheistic enterprise, but also it's just the fellas. Zeus, Poseidon.

I refuse to worship a lady. Tell Artemis to unsubscribe. tell athena she can kick rocks i can't give examples from hinduism i don't know enough of them no i don't know i don't want to i don't want to take that swing there's the elephant one i'm not doing it ganesh multiple alarms and her name's ganesh and she's a man i'm pretty sure um oh these are dark it's about uh sectarian violence oh we don't like sectarian violence oh our democracy's at risk we don't want to know about that what we're asking you is what is wrong with india i can't follow this

there's some crazy pictures of this thing i'm gonna throw them up on the screen but yeah uh i guess you just need a different podcast to explain this one yeah sorry it's not for us sorry if you want to listen to i don't know sorry if you're triggered we're not answering the what This is wrong with India question. You should be listening to Pod Save India. Check it out. It's probably a real podcast by the numbers. His next question is,

how difficult would it be to tackle a mass shooter? Okay, now I'm in my element. I could knock that shit out, no problem. I try it every day. I practice. I crouch down by a door, and then you wait until they pass by the door, and you take them out.

What's the location for you? So I'm cowering behind a desk, right? I'm so afraid. But is it a school shooter? Because I feel like in my head when I'm thinking of a tackling a mass shooter, I'm thinking movie theater. Oh, yeah. Well, ever since, okay, so when the Joker was in theaters, shout out to the Quoker, by the way, our Joker segment. They had all those metal detectors in movie theaters, and then there was the Aurora, was it Aurora, the movie theater?

That was Batman, yeah. That was in Batman, where there was a shooting in the movie theater. and so that's kind of like the batman uh canon is trying to create a world where i'm gonna get shot at the movie theater but at the same time like there's almost nothing you can do in that situation because they have like a full uh stadium style view of you depends on where you're sitting where they're shooting i always imagine shooter in the front oh no i'm like a fish in a barrel i'm imagining they're right they're the row in front of me they're shooting people below me and i'm like oh hell no stand down sir i'm trying to watch this movie hey could you quiet down

get off your phone you'd be present and kill people um no dude if they were shooting other people and they weren't looking at me i'd be like oh hell no yeah you'd take them out yeah i'd probably take them tackle them i'd use my powerful tree trunk legs that's smart i'm tall as hell i'll get you from downtown but the thing is in a big movie theater they can shoot you with At a certain distance, you're going to want a big gun that they were smart enough to bring. There was a shooting in my hometown movie theater before I was born. It was the multiplex, but everyone called it the murderplex. Oh, because of the shooting?

That's good writing. They had a metal detector there, and none of my friends would go with me to that movie theater. And I was always like, it's the safest one. They got a metal detector. Yeah. No one's going there again. If you're so convinced there's going to be another freaked movie theater murder. No, I always think of a classroom because I feel like most of the public shootings happen in classrooms.

Although, why would I be in the classroom? I'd have to be the teacher. And that would be quite the class. You learn a bit about life. No, you got to wait until they come around the door. It's your only chance. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

And they, like, teach that in, like, office trainings now. They, like, escape, barricade, or fight. that was i had that where um in my office i used to do a bit about it and no one liked it everyone thought it was offensive but the bit was about how so here it is well it was i thought it was funny it was just like some fucking retired cop from staten island came in and was like all right today we're gonna learn about the abcs of if there's a shooting a avoid and actually i thought it was so funny it's just like avoid b barricade c confront b i cannot believe there is a shooter at my workplace the bit that i would do is i would say uh they should add d die and

then people would be like oh and i was like well yikes sorry well the abcs are good why are you doing the abcs why are you doing the abcs of shooters it implies there's 26 steps you could take to defeat them which inspires hope enter heaven f fuck marilyn monroe that's once you're yeah g god says hi h high back high back i i just spoke to god j jeremy time okay specifically we're doing all no we're done we're not even halfway done we can't we can't we can't we can't there's no time Sorry, there's no time for that.

Anyway, the comment says... And my goodness, I like heaven. And, no, wait. I'm in hell. Oh, no. Please let me into heaven. Everyone loves this. Anyway.

This is great. Fairly easy, although you risk being shot or killed. That is the downside. Doing good guy shit inherently comes with certain levels of risk. Thank you for doing good guy shit. Upvote for you, dead teacher. That guy with the funny last name. That's his name.

He's an owner at plumbing, and he studied at, you guessed it, the School of Hard Knocks. So many people have studied at that school. Yeah. It's very popular, especially on Quora. Yeah, okay. It's pretty hard to do, I think, realistically. Are people saying that it's hard?

yeah everyone's like you probably shouldn't do it when you wear body armor this is like everyone's fantasy though right yeah this is like okay okay uh in your head where you're like a uh mortal combat character how do you defeat the shooter because my actual combat abilities are pretty limited i'm mostly a podcast professional so if i have to vamp with the shooter for a while i can do that until the police are there yeah what's your favorite movie yeah you like goku yeah stuff like that like i could talk about goku shooter for a long time and the thing about goku is everyone likes goku yeah so that's like something i can say that i know we're gonna have 20 minutes on that it could be a weeb it could be yeah you kind of a weeb who

are you guys i don't know who are you guys the shooter yeah until the snipers can get in place for me i don't the column guy and guys i really grew up with them you know i was just so inspired by their stuff the way they would ask people if they believe in god i thought oh i should do that yeah if i could travel back in time i could travel 97 was my year this is um this is our most offensive episode yeah it's a podcast for gen xers here on crack.com uh anyway that's really it people are just like no no you're getting killed but i think you can go for it yeah why not give it a try that's our official advice if you're listening to this podcast while shooting is happening go for it if you're listening to this podcast do not get drunk and try to fight

but if there's a shooter tackle them tackle them but don't get drunk first come on you're better than that let's move on to corbett and fruit our religion segment oh no i'm on the wrong thing that's not real you're not really being pulled over you are really in church because this is corbett and fruit this question is i caught my atheist watching Harry Potter on his laptop even though I told him it's a sin.

What should I do? My precious atheist. I caught my atheist. Is this why I got you a laptop? I got you this to re-find God. So, I assume

this is their kid, right? My atheist child. But I like the idea that they're just... Just the first four words. Could be a spouse. I caught my atheist. Period.

End it there. What did you catch him with? A big net? Folks. It's a Quora that writes itself. So this is on the laptop. The first thing you're going to want to do is remove the laptop. It's a vessel for sin.

Yes. It's a vessel to their godless ways. That's how they're finding godless, heathen podcasts like Quorators. If you can maybe hobble them in some way, break their legs, keep them from going outside. Spoil the ending. Be like, Snape killed Dumbledore. Folks.

Harry Potter spoilers. if you if you made it past darth jar jar snape did welcome to cracked um oh the fact if your child has a laptop they're probably pretty old right i mean harry potter's kind of like little baby stuff uh yeah i guess so did you read harry potter as a kid i mean i read it i mean i was kind of like older when the series ended and i did enjoy it but i didn't i don't think it would like influence me religiously sure well there was a big scare right people are like it's satanic yep but that's not atheism that's satanism yeah that's um very different eating the dark fruit of the dark lord which is what i did when i was reading harry

potter yeah taught me about how to be a witch butterbeer i started hating my muggle parents my atheist having butterbeer that sounds so disgusting butterbeer yeah well i think they were pretty much just like they get drunk but in in a way kids could do and it's butter it doesn't literally taste like i imagine it tastes like butterscotch uh fair yeah i assume there was butter in it i don't know which soda in general like kind of tastes like butterscotch anyway uh what do the people think um you have your very own atheist it's good that you let him have a laptop if you're concerned about what he's watching on you might want to have a look at the child access options in the settings menu oh so that's like it was really condescending but it

It was practical advice. Yeah, it was real advice. Then someone else says, what? You're allowed to own atheists? This is so annoying. How come no one has told me about this? I could think of a thousand cool things I would do with an atheist. First of all, atheists can't be owned because they're too smart.

Does it say that on there? No. Oh. Are they expensive? Do they eat much? Can I breed them? Why is that your question, Colin MacArthur, former lawyer? Don't ask about breeding anyone.

Can I breed them? It's not that kind of show. If they suddenly convert and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, do I have to set them free? Can I breed them? Can I breed them? Why is that so gross? Also, where are the answers? Yeah, Quora's like a bad website, kind of.

You should cry about it on Quora. Oh, look, you did that already. You're all done. Oh, my God. Owned by SR. You are never coming back from this. That's such a weird answer. You can post that on anything.

People are just pissed off. Yeah, people are pissed off that he owns anything. How dare you try to get someone. Oh, here's one. Mizuki says, Normally people would consult the priest in this matter, but don't worry. Follow these steps.

Consult the Ministry of Magic from your local owl post. And I'm not going to read the rest. It goes on. Is it Mizuki from Naruto? What? Is it when you click on their picture? Is it? I don't know.

It's a snake. It says they're a proud Slytherin in the title. Oh, no. That's their bio. That's like the bad guys. You let a Slytherin in the answers. You can't let a Slytherin in. You can't be taking answers from Slytherins.

We need to stomp out the Slytherins. You're going to get the dark mark. Rob is trying to kill himself. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Rob is a Slytherin. Yeah, he's so triggered. All right, let's move on from this one. This next question is Atheists.

Imagine your friend buys 10 Bibles to burn them together with you, but as soon as he gives you a Bible to burn, a Christian baby sees it and starts crying and begging not to burn it. Who will you listen to, your friend or the baby? I love the friend group I'm in in this question. We're batch buying Bibles for an event together. Imagine your friend buys 10 Bibles to burn them together with you. Hey, guys, new hobby.

Bro, I'm at the store. I'm just going to pick up nine Bibles. Do you want one? You grab beer. I'll buy the Bibles. I was thinking for the burning. You know this weekend's burning? Is this something you do more than once?

You do it, and you're like, this was fun, and it will stay fun. Well, it's fun, and then you turn around, and there's a baby there. And he goes, don't do that. Please don't burn the Bible. It gives me life. It's an Italian baby. It gives me life. Please don't burn the Bible.

I am a Italian baby It's really sad that he talks like that But um Let me kiss you under the cheek I would listen to my friend It sounds like they're my good friend Yeah I'm not friends with this baby Babies cry all the time and you ignore them

They never know what they're talking about They're always just like I'm sleepy Don't burn that bible I don't care at all Go back to Italy You don't know about the economy So I'm not going to listen to you.

I spent good money on these Bibles to buy. You don't understand the value of money. I snuck into 10 hotel rooms for these Bibles. Sure. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let that hard time, which is money, go to waste. That's cool as hell to burn some Bibles. We should do that on the pod. Yeah, let's get eight friends.

All right, step one. I don't want to burn like five myself. That sounds outrageous. It's hard for me to find a situation where I'm really listening to the baby. Where a talking Christian baby is really convincing me to do anything. Some of the situations these babies are kind of right in. Sure. I think.

Yeah. And the more extreme ones where you're like parachuting or they're stopping us. Yeah, with me. We need to reduce the budget for the military. And I'm like, oh, that Christian baby's got a point. Shut up, baby. Time for war. We're going to drop you from a plane.

The carbon levels. We're out of control My future The ice caps are melting Who cares We're all going to be dead by then baby Why don't you burn one Why don't you light up a stogie

Don't burn that bible Why I don't care It's when we send fumes into the air You say fumes you idiot Anyway That's that baby question We should probably Do the baby voice every 10 minutes

People either love it or hate it. Very polarizing. Very polarizing. What do the answers say? The answers are the same thing as always. They're just like, a talking baby? I like the top one. I don't burn or ban any book.

And I don't know anyone who could afford ten Bibles. I don't know one person who could afford ten Bibles. I could afford maybe six Bibles. How much does a Bible cost? It can't be very much. If you learn nothing else this episode, it will be the price of a Bible. Bibles for sale. Order today on Amazon.

Interesting. So there's one for $295, and there's one for $4. So they're really all over the place. Most of these are about $20. Okay. So 10 Bibles, it's going to cost you about $200, but you're splitting it with 10 friends. And if you buy them in bulk, you'd probably get them even cheaper. Yeah.

I don't know anyone who can afford 10 Bibles. And they're burning. You think I know someone with $200? I'm going to destroy your Amazon I'm sorry Most people are just like I don't listen to the babies We got another baby question

I'm very excited I love a baby question I wonder what voices will come up Atheists Imagine you're trying to burn the last copy of the Bible From a Christian baby When Jesus himself Shrouds himself in golden light And says quote piss off

would you become a christian hey mate jesus is british piss off mate hey i'm back from the dead and i've had it up to here with you gov i love pissed off british jesus my favorite new character so um atheists imagine you are trying to burn the last copy of the bible from a christian baby imagine jesus comes back to earth and it's jason statham we need to break this down into parts okay there's one copy left from the bible it is owned by a christian baby you take it from the baby because obviously it's a baby you can't do shit about that you're going to burn it jesus shows up he's jason statham yeah he says bug off. You made your last mistake.

That's my Bible. The second you touched that baby, you lost your life. You hear that, you go, you know what? I'm a Christian. And I think the answer is yes, I do become a Christian because that means a follower of Christ. If Jesus came up to me and was a British man, I'm like,

I'm following you wherever you want. Do unto others as Jason Statham would do unto me, and then I'd take out my peace. I called it sideways because that's the kind of thing he might do in any given time. Yeah, Jason. First name basis. First name basis with Jason Statham.

You ever seen that movie, what is it, Wrath of Man? His most recent Guy Ritchie movie? Oh, no, that one didn't look very good. Although they're all kind of the same movie, right? Like the Guy Ritchie movies? It's pretty dumb, yeah. But the movie is about, he like infiltrates this company so that he can rob it later.

And he's trying to act like a normal guy, but everyone knows like he's kind of too tough. You know what I mean? So there's one scene. He's too tough to be undercover. Yeah, like people are like, He's obviously ex-military, but people are like, hey, Jason Statham, you want to go out for drinks later? And he's like, no, I'm Jason Statham.

But there's one really funny scene. He's disassembling and reassembling machines around the office. He seems like a normal guy. There's one scene where this character is like, hey, Jason Statham, what's your favorite food? And he's like, uh, vegan stuff. Sea rations? I mean, nothing. He's just trying not to seem too cool, I guess.

He's like, I like girl food. Probably girl dinner. Bunch of pills, mate. Anyways, I love this question. It makes me really happy. So if Jesus told me to piss off, I'm going to take this. Piss off. Clearly, I'm the asshole in this question.

Yeah, am I the asshole? Jesus told me to piss off. I don't know how I know it's him because he talks like Jason Statham, but I got to get out of here. Martin Benjamin says, yes. Yes, I would. on the condition that Christian baby finally leaves me alone. Okay, so we're having a little bit of meta-commentary. Boom, upvote.

Because everyone's talking about the baby and it's a running joke. But here's the thing is it's also an important rhetorical tool. I commented that's right. Oh, thank you. Thank you for doing that. No babies are born Christian. They have to be indoctrinated and learn the language to comprehend what they're being told.

Hardly a baby. Every time they get stuck on this. I know. Babies can be Christian. I like this one. Richard Bold says, Imagine I told you to piss off. Would you just STFU?

Oh, my God. How are you coming back from that? And then guess what's after that? It's four rolling on the ground laughing emojis. Yep. That's how much they're rolling around about it. I think I would become a Christian. I genuinely would.

This is the first one where I'm like, yes. If you see Jesus, at that point, it's like, yeah, he's magic. Sure. Yeah, I don't know. If I met a magic guy, I'm probably going to follow him. I tried to get rid of all of these Bibles, and I feel like an idiot for it. And I was about to burn it.

I did some fucked up stuff to get to this point. And we can't make more for some reason. No, we're all out of the word of the Lord. The internet's down. Sorry, the printer's offline, so you can't print any more books. There's a jam. All right. We're out of ink.

We'll test that book. You want to do our police segment? Yes! Now I'll hit the button the right time. This is not a real siren. You are not under arrest. This is just the podcast. This is just the podcast.

It's normal to hear it. Okay, this is a good one. Can I go to jail if I kill a murderer? Parentheses, no self-defense. Just went to his house and did it. Love the explanation there. The answer is no, you can't. Well, well.

I encourage our listeners to do this. What if I really want to? There's only one reason you can go to jail. It's because someone tricked you into saying pedophile on your podcast. And then they clipped you and made you look owned on the internet. Here's the thing. If one is to hunt a lion, what chance does one stand in lion-to-lion combat? The lion will tear you limb from limb and eat your organs out of your little butthole.

That's true. Isn't this the premise of Dexter? Is it? Isn't he a serial killer who kills serial killers? Yeah, that is Dexter. I haven't seen it. But it's because he has a compulsion. It's not that it's legal.

The idea is that they'll throw him to jail or somebody. I thought it was because of a loophole where if you kill a murderer, you can't go to jail. No, he's not sanctioned by the department. If you marry the murderer, you can't testify against him. All kinds of rules for murderers. Check out Dexter while you're at it. I love the, I love parentheses, no self-defense. No self-defense.

They do not see me coming. This is my point. Sorry, please finish your point. I'm very sorry. If your plan is to hunt the lion in its sleeping chambers, then your odds increase dramatically. Of what? Oh, of killing the lion.

Okay, I see what you're saying. I'm kind of like in, I'm developing an evil personality persona on the show that does morally questionable things. I like that character. I need more like going on. Yeah, that's true. There's not enough to keep you hooked

that I just read Quora. There needs to be one good guy and one bad guy. I'm the good guy, and I'm a Christian baby. You're like an honest guy. Just a normal Joe. You're an everyday. You wear a hat. I feel like that's an everyday guy thing.

The headphones hurt my head. Yeah, they hurt my head, too. That doesn't mean anything. But, yeah, I'm like a son of a bitch sometimes. Yeah, Alex is evil now. Don't fight him. Oh, I do. Just don't go to sleep after.

it's legal for him to go to your house and kill you i don't really see any room to play with with the jail part of it though because most situations where you kill a guy you go to oh unless you're a cop yeah i was about to say if you're a cop you just like get rid of the evidence you could just go into someone's house and kill them it happens a lot yeah it's really easy to do yeah you can just say like a crack addict burst in here sounds sure correct dave spell jokes bring a crack on them it's classic yeah i'm i thought of that just now alex invented that joke i'm very rich alex keeps slapping his knee with a microphone i've done it and it's a rush you just went to do it realize that you can't i can't they're built into the table if this was in my living

room still i could do it yeah we don't do it there anymore we'll leave you back all right well everyone says uh yes you go to jail unfortunately i would love to tell you to kill at will only i'll tell you to do that i'd love to tell you to go psycho mode out there i can't wait to get a million comments that are like jeremy's wrong about this it's actually a to do that troll alert troll alert troll alert the drawing of the troll and the don't feed the troll picture is quite entertaining it makes me want to feed that troll it's a bit liberal it kind of looks like a mole yeah it's a liberal troll maybe the original image said don't feed the mole maybe yeah that's interesting maybe there's something there okay do we have a i think

there's just one uh law enforcement question okay should we find some more after that or no we got we got querenting here let's see how this one goes this could be okay text and this is very similar to a lot of the questions we were asking last week this is saying core romance or no it's querenting excuse me that's enough that is the querenting sound that's the sound you hear as a parent when they're when something has gone a little too far when you say will not put down the butterscotch that's enough that's enough give me that bible i'm burning it you want me to give you mismatching clothes next your fancy outfit to make younger people feel poor on your extremely fancy jacket you're four years old and you need to mock alex in the streets that's it give me

your supreme hoodie take off your ray-bans and look at me i don't know what you're looking at You could be looking at my huge boobs. Which would be normal if you're a baby. Yeah, they want that shit. Also, hey, we've all done it. What is the question? We didn't ask it yet. Okay.

What would you do if your son gave you a MILF shirt for your 45th birthday? Huh. For my 45th birthday? Rob's done it. I'd give it to my beautiful wife. That's what I'd do. I'd say, happy birthday, honey. It's my birthday.

I got you a MILF shirt from our son. Well, I assume you're the mom in this case. Yeah, I'm a mom, and I'm a MILF. You're a MILF. I'm assuming I'm not like an ugly mom. No, you're a mom that people love to fuck. If anything, the birth has only made me tighter. That's interesting.

Modern science should fucking investigate your vagina. They got to check me out because I am an anomaly. but at the same time i do feel some tension receiving this great gift from my son snap snap back vagina you're still stuck on my tight vagina i see oh who is it i didn't realize i was talking to my husband my husband what would i do if my son gave me a MILF shirt from the pizza delivery man who is the real father

of my child I must know but at the same time I'd maybe give them a talking to I'd say well this gift shows great humor

yes and yes it's a compliment that I am quite fuckable I am a mom many would love

to fuck I'd say that I'd look them right in the eye and I'd say that they gave me the gift they asked for it you know who loves to fuck me is dad daddy you can get him a dilf shirt oh yeah and he feels left out if they were matching it

would be significantly less weird that came out crazy but i don't know if it'd be that much parents i love to watch fuck each other it shows that they put thought into the gift does that make it more weird like if it's an anniversary you're like you're just little shitty kids like yeah i think you're both ilfs when i was a little kid my parents always tell me the story that Apparently, I went to my dad and said, dad, I love you. And my dad said, why don't you go to mom and tell her that? And I went to my mom and said, mom, I love dad. Oh, my God.

And she cried. And that's the equivalent of giving just one parent an Ilf shirt. These are comedy standards, folks. That's how you roast a mom. I was a young boy. You could have made up for it with an Ilf shirt. I could have. It's too late now.

Don't get her one now. It's far too late. Yeah, many moms might be turned off. But if you've got a real freak out there, it could be good. There are some bad parents who probably would appreciate the joke. Some people just need a compliment, too. Oh, my God. Hey, Mom.

You're a MILF. I think you're a MILF. I'm sure lots of people want to fuck you or would love to. Everyone in my school class won't stop talking about it. That's the kind of things that these young boys do. Or girls. All sorts of kids. All sorts.

Hey. um well i don't care who you are this is a milf the top uh comment from scott welch says put it away somewhere safe and haul it out for the after dinner speeches at his wedding rehearsal dinner he'll be mortified i assume they develop like some sense of awareness later yeah not now uh amanda says my son is 12 now and definitely has poor enough judgment to think this is funny though i don't think he knows this acronym yet our family has a sense of humor especially when it's just the kids their dad and me i'd probably thank him for his opinion that he has an attractive mom then ask him if i should wear it to his next hockey game if his response

is anything other than a horrified no his dad and i would need to have a serious talk about the boundaries of humor appropriateness and respect okay i have to interject we all think it's funny though right to give your mom a milf shirt give your mom a milf i it's i don't i i think it's a boundary too you can say it's too far but you have to admit it's pretty funny it's funny in a way where like if my friend told me that they did that i'd be like that's kind of gross yeah don't do that but it's funny it's undeniably like something it's a story of note it's news and that's what this show's about uh yeah i know it's it's funny it's weird It's really weird.

Don't do it. I wouldn't do it. No, I wouldn't either. If I were the MILF, then maybe I would not punish them. It's the kind of funny story that if a friend of mine told me that story, I assume it's the kind of friend who has a lot of stories that are like crossing boundaries. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Where it's just one of a thousand stories from them where they're like, and then one time I punched a dog in the face. And you're like, don't do that. All right, man. Don't do stuff like that. You're crazy. Hey, the dog stole my mom's MILF shirt. Yeah, I guess if you're a man.

One time I shot myself with a gun, and I had to use my mom's MILF shirt to stop the bleeding. It just keeps coming back. Maybe one of the darkest stories he tells is about his self-inflicted gun wound. You know, Lil Wayne did that. Did he? Yeah, he shot himself. He bought his mom a MILF shirt? Yeah, after he bought his mom a MILF shirt, he took his shirt off because he's never worn a shirt.

And he was doing the taxi driver, you talking to me thing with a real gun. and he actually shot himself. That's pretty dumb. Isn't that kind of funny? Yeah, it was pretty funny. I mean, at the time, it would probably be like, ow!

Ouch! Yeah, big time. I regret this, but you know. This guy, Mark Brown, says, teenagers, jeesh. Really, what else do you need to know? I don't think jeesh is a word. Jeesh.

First, put the best construction on the action possible. We live in a world and culture where everything is about how it looks. So the MILF shirt is a clumsy attempt at a compliment. Depending upon the boy, it could also have been a joke to get exactly this reaction from mom.

Laugh along. I doubt it's anyway meant to be creepy. Second, it's probably too late, but put on the shirt and play it up one morning. If you have other kids, they will ask you to take it off out of embarrassment. The kid will get it and learn something without direct confrontation.

Or you could just ask him what he meant. He's a boy. He'll probably tell you. How do you play up a MILF shirt? They just come down to breakfast? and you're like, uh-oh, guess my son's here who likes to fuck. Look, I'm wearing the shirt. I hate all of this.

All right, no, here's my basic question for this whole thing, which is, is this just another erotica prompt on Quora? Because most of these are, but people are genuinely answering this. Yeah, well, most of the related questions are like, as a mom, do you ever fuck your kids? Like, no joke. Yeah. That's literally half of them.

Well, that's why I guess I'm confused that it has real answers. Yeah. But the real answers are that, I guess, kill that kid. Yeah, I'm not going to actually read any of these. But, yeah, most of these are just like, yep, these are literally just incest porn. Put your child in a well and seal it. I don't like any of these. These are really upsetting, the related questions.

The MILF shirt question is now quite innocent now that I look back at it. Right, which is why I put it on the document. Someone says, I would turn it into mice or mile. That's really thoughtful. Turn it into mice. If your child gives you a milf shirt, turn it into mice. That's all we wanted to say here today. Let's ask a question.

That's been the Quarators podcast. Let's ask a question on our way out. We have a question from the bonus this week that we were going to ask about eating too many grapes. But do we want to ask one that's appropriate for this episode? I don't remember the full grape question Who cares Nobody cares about it Hey sorry about that grapes question

Our question is Does Darth Jar Jar ever get laid or what The problem is if we do that When we talk to our guest next week We will have to discuss Darth Jar Jar Which quite frankly I don't want to do And you're the one

You're the one insisting we do the whole lore For Darth Jar Jar Fine There's a scene where Qui-Gon Jinn is talking to someone. Oh, my God. And you can see Jar Jar does a little motion with his hand. Shut up. And then Qui-Gon says the thing he wants him to say.

Why would he do drunken fist if he's a Darth Lord? That's not something that happens in Star Wars. I'm getting really mad all of a sudden. He's the Phantom Menace. He needs to stay hidden. My question is... Why does Jar Jar become a senator? My question is, can you die from eating too many grapes?

Sheriff, that's a great one. There you go. Write that up. All right. that's been us for another week this has been the Quarriors podcast

the only show that asks what is Quora thanks for listening if you would like more episodes where we go read Quoras on other websites

or do themed episodes or just do themed Quora episodes sometimes there are all kinds of crazy stuff go to patreon.com slash Quarriors

that's our page and until next week we will I don't know do whatever you want until next week because that's when the show comes out

drop a comment below as to whether you think that this is scripted or not I'll see you next time.