Quorators - I Named My Baby Lucifer Is That Alright?

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Do nurses have a laugh if the patient has a micropenis? What is the nastiest thing done with a stepsister? Why is it so cool to be a drug dealer in America? Is it because of Nancy Reagan? ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@cracked Sub to our channel https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

Welcome back for another week of Quarators, the hit podcast where we read Quoras, and that's the whole thing. Now on crack.com. Play the music. Hey man, how's it going? It's, uh, hi, I'm Alex and this is Jeremy. We're the hosts of Quora Raiders. I thought you said play the music and you're the one who has to play it. You physically had to press the button. As a producer, I like to leave myself notes.

And that allows me to perform at a level that I find professional. Yeah. Now, usually, Jeremy, I don't know if you've heard this. We opened the show by reading the Quora we wrote last week. Yes. but unfortunately we did a live show last week that's true and did not do a quora no so we're just gonna get straight into it today yeah and we've moved channels it's a new it's a new look for us a hundred percent and if you're listening on your podcast you have noticed the sound has

not improved it's the same and that is by design uh so we got some great stuff for you we're just gonna get right into it yeah for people who are new to this it's we're gonna read questions from the website quora.com which is a question website question asking website it's a question asking website and then we're gonna say that's dumb yeah what the hell yeah that's what we're gonna say oh come on man and stuff like that we've got all these segments the first one is called querenting that's enough that's the querenting sound that's when you hear that sound you know it's parenting questions on quora.com this is a huge section of quora it's just people who want to punish their children for being alive.

Well, it's a huge section of the world that has children, Jeremy. Children are the future, in my opinion. Yeah. And there's many of them, so it's a big part of the website. All right, well, this question is, I promised my son a PS5 if he got straight A's, and he did, but I don't want to give him a PS5. What should I do?

Huh. We've all been there. Yeah, you should. I have a PS5. They're great. I totally understand why your son wants one, but maybe he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Did you get your PS5 by getting straight A's in school?

No, I bought it with money. I think if the son wants a PS5, instead of getting straight A's, what he should do is just make $500. And then there's a whole solution right there for you where you just take the dad out of the equation entirely. Sure, yeah, you could cut out the middleman. Could we focus, though? Okay. why don't you want to give him a ps5 um because it's 500 i don't know is that why or is it like if i give him a ps5 he'll change he won't be my son will become a different boy he'll stop

online gaming with me on steam you think it's that they're just co-op buddies he'll be missing clan night oh man uh that's a gaming clan oh by the way that's a gaming clan that's what we mean by that so you never know it could be a white supremacist quora user you truly never know that's roughly the 30 percent of the time but let's see what the answers the other 30 percent is uh police officers but there's a lot of crossover it's mostly the same people uh yeah okay let's read some answers um aaron weldon says i guess i gotta stop saying people's full names now that ron cracked uh this is your favorite thing to do it's my favorite thing it's my favorite thing because cora like people will say like an insane thing like i don't know

i just don't really like black people and then you'll go in their profile and it's like my name is aaron and i live in this small town in texas and here's where i work this is a picture of my son i love him you're like oh i know your whole life i'm not gonna do anything but it's weird it yeah i hope this curbs your instinct to zooming in on people's uh addresses and livelihoods yeah this guy's only answered one question ever and this is the one he's a loser he said get ready for the shit storm when he stops trusting you and your empty bribes don't work anymore this is the sun be prepared to end up with the sun that doesn't listen to you also congratulations on winning the game who's going to the cheap retirement home when they're older yeah that's the sun that's the sun

he's saying that and he's gonna send you there quora user here i say your son's been very good even just a few ways is still good uh i think all the answers are gonna say that okay so here's an answer from um and i'm not gonna dox this person but their name is genghis cod okay and their qualification is i think i worked with that guy yeah you do know him yeah he's from the step the mongolian step i always forget that you worked there for a bit after college yeah um genghis khan says horse lord he says go ahead and break your word the kid shouldn't be respected or believing a parent that routinely lies to him he'll lose all respect for you and as soon as he graduates

poof, he'll be gone like a fart in the wind and not want anything to do with you. Uh-huh, honey. That was from GankisCon. Who is a gamer. He's renowned for his no-nonsense put-downs. For those who don't know, on Quora, you can put a little,

when you answer a question, it asks why you can answer that, and you have to write a little thing, and this guy wrote, been a gamer for over 40 years. Cool. Also, if you don't know this on Quora, but you don't have to put your real name and address.

People just keep choosing to do that. It's either I am Genghis Khan or just like I live in Minnesota. This is my father. I won't say this guy's full name, but it says his full name. It says his name is Michael, and he's got a photo of himself, and it says retired industrial engineer and product manager in Israel. Wow, you must be good at raising kids. Why do I need to know this for a guy who's just like,

you suck as a parent. This is for the respect, Jeremy. This is for the respect. Whatever he learns from this can never be good. I noticed Quora's really pushing the buy your son a PS5 thing. No one is explaining how to get out of it, which is, I think, why the dad is here. So zero people have answered the question.

You should have gone to a Thieves Guild chat. They know how to do things like not buy your son a PlayStation after he gets a good report card. This has so many answers. 808 answers collapsed. Wow. We better read all of them. I want to see if there's any.

Don't be a shitty parent. All right. Because usually those are the ones that are bad. Just one of you explain how to do this heist. You bet and lost. Time to pay up, dude. Your son's going to take you to the basement and beat the crap out of you. Yeah, I know.

Every time I tell my son to get straight A's, I'm like, I'm gambling everything on this. Put it all on B. Oh, I pray he gets a B+. Son is so dumb. Yeah, his biology is his weakness. Okay, that's enough of that one. I believe we have juiced this lemon. All right.

Do you want to get into Quorumance? I would like to get into Quorumance. All right, up next we have Quorumance. It's Quorumance. Quorumance, these are today's top romantic questions. Turn that down a little bit here. uh you may notice the sound has changed from a certain movie's theme song before and that is because we just felt like it all right um okay yeah we don't need to do the whole romantic song

you know i love you baby uh i love you baby for any new listeners who are here from crack.com wholesome website crack.com you should know that quora is mostly a fetish website okay it's a good it's a question website it's a question website where people question you to answer their fetishes. I don't think it has to be a fetish. I stand by this question. Read the question, Jeremy. Alright, I'll read it. The question is simply, what is the nastiest

thing done with a stepsister? Huh. Stepsister. You know, I have a stepsister. Do you? Yeah. I didn't get a stepsister until I was already 27. Until you got straight A's in school. Yeah, my dad

was a son of a bitch. you bought me a girl um uh no i didn't have a step sister till i was like 27 so i don't think i have the weird um uh porn relationship sure the way america does apparently they really do but in my mind the nastiest thing you could do a step sister is like say you'll attend her wedding and then not show up oh nasty uh destroy her toys sexy hunk disrespects family member nasty doesn't have to be sexy it could be cruel like you're a witch your husband is ugly hey i do not think that that is not what i came here to say all right i'm just saying one nasty thing would be to break her toys um all right well i can't read most of these answers because

they're truly bad okay well uh oh no they are pretty bad i totally get it yeah there's got to be a one in here though uh there's got to just be just just this question really is just like write me sex story write me a dirty story i'm too lazy to look it up which you know what is worth reiterating as we have switched channels a lot of the website is about community sexual prose it really is it really is about taking a bunch of pervs and then giving them a story yeah yeah it's people who want you to do the work of uh yeah yeah whatever who was that it was a ghost um god i can't read any of these i really cannot read it a lot of them are saying well they're saying that they had sex in gruesome detail i'm not gonna lie to you it's heavily

implied in maybe 1 000 answers this is the only one i really can read which is uh someone saying my stepsisters were too ugly to do anything with so that's the nicest one i can read beautiful stepsisters you shouldn't treat them like that um a lot of these images are blurred out that's fine you showed you don't need to click on what those are too sometimes sometimes on like twitter or something or i'm sorry on x.com you'll be scrolling your x and then you'll see a funny blurred image and then it's like wiley coyote or something he's like had to steal your meme yeah he's painted a tunnel the wall he's taking a meme that's never the case on here it is always what you think it is it's always someone's stepsister um this one i can read it says it's a sin to do nasty things

with others live and let live your actions could hurt them and scar them forever that's a fact though that is a fact it's a sin to do nasty with anyone do not unto others that nasty stuff you do uh little man be sensible and avoid if you can't help others don't be a disruptor slash destroyer oh you gotta get the sound back up on that um okay well this is the most horrifying thing i've read in a while i'm glad we put it in there one yeah we got that how many minutes in 10 10 early crisp gotta get that in there right away everyone's minds are fresh welcome to quarators this question is my husband tells me it's okay to keep cheating on me because god will forgive him after he repents why is he doing this to me why is he doing okay so

the question is not can he do this oh no the question is this logic flaw he keeps doing The question is, why? I believe the question is, why is he doing this to me? You're a Catholic, man. You went to Catholic school. That's right, Jeremy. How do you feel about this? Is this technically allowed?

If he keeps repenting, he can do it as many times as he wants. And it seems like he wants to do it a lot of times. That's not house rules. That's house rules. You can just do whatever you want. I'll tell you what, it's God's house. That's true. Aren't we all in God's house?

Aren't we all in God's house? I'm always saying this as a Jewish person. I think he's doing it because he can't be stopped. Because there's no repercussions. There's nothing we can do. Our hands are tied. If you cheat on me one more time, I'm going to Quora. I will ask the Quora community.

We will get the internet on my side. What do the people think? Former lawyer QR says, God forgives for mistakes we didn't intend to commit or the ones we committed and we sincerely repent for. God doesn't forgive those deeds which are carried out deliberately with the intention of repenting later and continuing with this pattern forever. God understands jokes very well.

I think he does forgive it, though, is the thing, because he's always forgiving everything. Yeah, it's like his big move. He loves forgiving things. He's addicted to forgiving things. He's addicted to it. He has a button he hits and he laughs. That one's easy.

He's got the stapled button. if you cheat on your wife god is kind of the manager of staples what is life if not a giant staples what is life if not getting printer paper it's a lot about folders um yeah most people are just saying because he's an asshole your husband is very wrong no one mocks god and gets away with it come on god gets has left him because he serves satan he may die today and go without repenting thou shall not commit adultery is one of god's commandments that is true okay so there's an interesting work around here which is that he has to die before he repents and then he can't get the forgiveness now it also does say moses authorized divorce in adultery cases those are

big facts i don't know what that's about moses was giving people divorces yeah they left that part out of most of the stories because people thought it was kind of slow and litigious That part of the Bible. The part where Moses is just like, sign these, show it to the other guy we're wandering the desert with. When Jesus came around, he was like, I got to get better miracles than this. This sucks. I simply must have a better miracle than divorce. I don't want to use any stamps.

My goal is not to use any stamps. Go to stamps.com for all your divorces. What else is here? Not really. No answer so far on the why is he doing this to me. No. They're just like, he's bad. which we don't that's not the question jerk i mean that is i mean that's why he's doing it though

he's bad he's bad he's bad he's like michael jackson who made the album bad to be clear we do not take sides here i'm gonna take a side he's bad um beautifully done thank you i thought it was aha honey i'm not gonna lie what are you going for aha honey or no i'm just said it don't mind what i'm doing you keep your eyes on the road somebody has to drive here um everyone's just mad at the guy everyone's mad they're saying you shouldn't you shouldn't be he doesn't deserve you who has found a genius loophole in the system to cheat on you consistently yeah he's he's beat the game god's into it he doesn't care beat the whole damn game uh he's a narcissist i don't know what this guy looks like but i am picturing blade because he's a cool guy who beat the game

we watched blade recently also we watched blade and now it's hard not to picture anybody not being a uh i'm picturing a lot of people as blade i'm not gonna lie what should we move on to quora md or do we have more thoughts on my husband tells me it's okay i have no more thoughts he looks like blade in my head okay i have shared my full judgment i'm impressed everyone's taking your side here though because usually people are mean on the internet have you found that to be true to me certainly at least to you maybe she's just like a better person than you i keep cheating on my wife uh all right let's get core md going here okay

welcome to core md take a stroll down the hallways of the hospital all right we call the internet if you got cancer we're gonna tell you about it and we're gonna tell you you have it even if you don't because it's the internet and you google do i have cancer and then quora was yes and so we got some good questions for you today that really is the thing though if you google print anything quora will now come up yeah shout out to quora by the way google has now crowdsourced all answers to just fucking dub asses on the internet quora's like google's like little homie he keeps with him so he's trying to get like his own career going yeah yeah do you mean google's He's trying to get his own career, Quora is.

Quora is. Google has an industrious career. Right. It's used by many militaries around the world. And every time he's like, have you considered Quora? Quora is my friend. My friend. Ask him a question.

Go ahead. Like when a famous comedian has their buddy open for them and the buddy is not going to be famous. Right, right, right, right, right. That's how I relate to it. Oh, but that's not how I feel about Quora, but that's how I feel in general. This question is, do nurses have a laugh if the patient has a micropenis? are you having a laugh yeah now this question is of course written by ricky gervais

i don't think they have a laugh no no they probably see a hundred of them every day they probably do nurses love seeing micro penises it makes them so happy they think how many could i fit in a jar a lot of the time and questions like that alexa is a nurse i'm it's not true but what if it was um uh these answers are all great these are all terrific answers i just very excited i want to leave it open-ended that okay maybe a one nasty nurse has a laugh here's a nurse from charlotte linds okay i'm not gonna dox but she did study at the university of alabama in birmingham and does live in gainfield florida shout out to charlotte hope you're going to fest we'll see you at best charlotte see you at the less than jake show uh she says never we did gasp

at times for the opposite but let me tell you a funny story so she's saying that she and the nurse is like if you take on your panty of a giant dick the other nurse is like oh my god i'm easily startled i thought he was gonna shoot across the room and get me is that an eel it's also just like somebody who's there because they have tuberculosis So she's like, wow, your dick's big. She says, a friend and I went to look at a timeshare. We got to talking to a young man who started asking questions. Finally, turns out he was having surgery in our hospital.

Can't remember now what. And both of us at times worked recovery room. I don't know who started it, but we had him convinced. We always checked under the covers. And if the nurses liked what they saw, they tied a blue ribbon around his Henry. If we didn't approve of what he saw, we tied a pink ribbon around his Henry. We had a nice lunch, answered his questions, and we all had fun. We did go to say hello to him before he was discharged to his room,

and he was glad to see us. He was having an anxiety attack because he didn't have a ribbon. Was that bad or good? Joan and I burst out laughing and told him we made up the whole thing. It was a good thing he didn't have a ribbon. He started laughing with us, partially in relief, I think, because we pulled the best joke on him. He said he had a story for years to come.

No, we never did that again. We made love shortly after. And then the top comment is, childish and unprofessional. professional taken down how dare you do not tie a ribbon on anyone's henry this is a hospital i i'm like the woman in that uh old story i have a red ribbon around my henry but if you untie it it will fall off oh i'm sorry to hear that yeah it's really fucked up sorry to hear about your henry it's not really a funny i love calling a penis a henry yeah this will carry with me for the rest of my life um let's see i have a friend whose wife is a nurse one night she told him about

a patient who was brought in unconscious and they removed his clothes and discovered that his penis was at least 10 inches long and laid over his thigh and almost touched the bed she said word started going around the hospital and several nurses all came by the room to have a look it is a gargantuan penis there's multiple stories confirmed yeah if you have a big one They will look at your big penis. They will call people in, I guess. They'll tell friends. They'll find their friends, and they'll show them your penis while you are very injured.

Heads up. If you have a giant dick, it's being seen. It's not safe. This is why I tell all my friends with big penises, do not go to the hospital. People are constantly telling me not to go to the hospital. Jeremy, it is not safe for you. They're going to turn you into the elephant man. uh jm says my wife is a phlebotomist who works at a hospital she says the short answer is yes

the nurses and medical staff may giggle about a micropenis for a few minutes but don't worry an hour later some guy will come in with a butternut squash stuck in his rectum and they'll forget all about anyone who came before so this just sounds like nurses are having a great time all day they're having a laugh they have a laugh well they have to when they have a cry i mean People always say nursing is one of the easiest jobs. One of the easy ones. The sweetest sound in the world, the laughter of nurses. This could also just be a fetish question.

You can have a laugh and then you have a cry when a sad thing comes in. Sure. That way you have highs and lows. It's so important to nurse. This guy says, Bernie Island says, I'm not a nurse, but I used to be heavily involved in the kink community. So that's an extremely weird way to start this answer up. It's the same thing. Not a doctor, but I am a pervert.

Pervert here. I've had sex at the zoo. Let me answer your question. He says, I've only seen one micropene in my life, and it was at a public venue. He'd gotten up on a table for some, quote, fun. No one was laughing, not one person. Everyone, male and female of every persuasion, was just really curious about trying, but trying not to turn the scene into a total gawk fest a million questions how does it work

what do you find pleasurable is he a grower or a shower etc it's a total gawk fest in here granted the environment was very sex and body positive but i would hope nurses see enough in their day to day for it to just be another data point and let's get on with things that's what i said also important understand about benny island he is an int j he is that is his qualification for answering the question uh she or no well knows about bernie it's a it's a lady bernie i don't know yeah short for burnett um i couldn't tell you right in is it short for burnett it's b-u-r-n-y whatever who cares it's a whole island of bernies um here's a diagram of penis yeah it's a sad one well it is it is the diagram sad i don't think i can include it in the video you can't you'll

We'll have to take our word for it. It looks like fucking, you know. I could put a pixelated square in the video. Would you like that? No, we don't like that. Nobody likes that. We don't need that in there. Is that what you want?

Do you want us to have one episode on Cracked? We put a penis on episode one? Come on, we just got here. I taped my unknown soda. You almost said it too, which is really funny. No one knows what it is, but it is. All right. I'll read this last one from S. Scott Fields, who's a nurse.

He says, not every fellow is a shower, but a majority are growers. I would never laugh or even comment on a man's penis size. I've seen all sizes and never uttered one word about them, just like I wouldn't about a female's breast size or vagina. I actually salute the small penises. I say thank you for your service. Every part of the struggle holds up the next. Having a micro penis makes you braver than the troops.

Thank you for having a penis. One guy says, I have a micropenis. My name is Joe. Thank you, Joe. I'm going to update that. Shout out to Joe. You're Quarator's Joe of the Week. You're shout out to Joe.

Shout out to Joe. You're Quarator's Joe of the Week. Shout out to Joe. You're the Joe of the Week. Okay, next question. Killing spree. If you get shot in the head with an ordinary gun, do you most likely lose your consciousness almost immediately?

Sorry, almost instantly. And that's the gunshot. You can press it. I imagine you're just sitting there and you hear. Oh, okay. Okay, so the question is, is it all lights out after that? I think it's about a year. So the question is, is it like the Sopranos when you get shot in the head?

The question is, I think, what kind of gun? Oh, it's a really big one to get out of me. You're coming for the king? That's not ordinary. First of all, you're coming for the king. You better not miss. That's the wire, right? Because I'm coming back at you.

Well, that's not just the wire. Kings say that. Important people have always said that. And that's why I'm joining the pantheon. King George III said that during the American Revolution. He loved saying that. You come for the king, George? What people would come for him?

He was talking to another George Washington. Yeah, how big of a gun was that? I guess you were like point blank. Like, let's say I brought that heat into the studio right now. Oh, man. I brought that heat in. Audio listeners, you have to just imagine Alex is pretending to shoot me in the head. Trying to get the angle right.

Are there prop guns in here? I am imagining specifically in Kill Bill, she gets shot in the head and she's like, it's not even a big deal. She just takes like a nap for a bit and then is back 100%. So it's probably fine then, right? But she does lose conscious. Okay. Some people survive getting shot in the head, like if you miss your brain. Yeah, like the bride from Kill Bill.

Yeah. Who was a real person. Famously, lots of people try to shoot themselves in the head with a shotgun and then they try to pull the trigger with their toes. and then they miss and just blow their face off and then they are alive but don't have a face. Yeah, so don't do that. That's our tip for the week. We do not think that's cool.

Well, yeah, I think you do lose consciousness. Tip of the week. I think anything that hurts that much probably makes you lose consciousness. Yeah, I have to imagine getting shot in the head makes you lose consciousness. I'm reading the sentence and I'm thinking, ouch. I was going to say the same thing.

Someone shoots you in the back of the head and you think, ouchie. I hope it's not me, folks. yeah couldn't be me straight up somebody's pointing out the use of ordinary gun is very funny it's not like a laser rifle or anything

well that would be a whole different story it's not the needler we have a killing spree button over there somewhere right we actually don't have a killing spree button I wasn't sure if it was on that board I forgot to bring it I'm getting roasted

anyway if I was going to shoot you in the head What does it say? Angelo Jeffrey says a lot of stuff. Stop me if this gets too intense. I haven't read it beforehand. I know when I got shot in the face in 1993 with a .25 automatic handgun, I didn't feel a thing.

I didn't know I had been shot until I went to speak and no sound came out. Then the room started spinning. I felt blood pouring down my face. I panicked, ran out the front door, and collapsed in the driveway. I felt myself slowly fading away. It was so hot that first day of August, yet I had not been so cold in my life. All right, Angelo. It's like this is happening to me.

It's a beautiful story. I get that you got shot in the face, but this isn't the time for your book. Getting shot in the face is not a whole personality, Angela. Yeah. Liking Steven Universe is. Let people enjoy things. Shooting you in the face. Anyway, it sounds not fun, but she seems like she's fine.

Oh, it was so hot. Come on. The bullet paralyzed my swallowing and voice box, shattered my right sinus cavity, a few back teeth on its way to the lodge for the rest of my life. I spend a lot of time on Quora now. Now I'm just a Quora user. I'm a real Quora head. Now just dumb boys

read my name and comments on the internet. Okay, here's my question. Is this person's like post-history all... That kind of reminds me of getting shot in the face. Maybe. I mean, kidding aside, if I got shot in the face, I would only talk about it. You'd be like, what do you want for dinner?

And I'd be like, well, considering the bullet's still in my throat how's my mouth look to you probably another intravenous feeding i'd guess um okay so she's answered five questions ever okay now the first one is would you rather have a cup of coffee or a cup of hot chocolate on a chilly day and she says hot chocolate her response is i was shot in the face and can no longer enjoy either of those beverages she says hot chocolate i agree with her i'm gonna upvote it this was three years ago the next question of course is what's the worst thing that ever happened to you now she does not say she got shot okay that makes me think that she has not been shot in the face and this is was prose writing this is prose writing

and story building and world building and she's building a world i did not see that coming i thought for sure the question what is the worst thing that ever happened to you that ultimately came the best thing that ever happened okay that's why oh damn it well maybe she just doesn't feel positively about the face thing anymore i was shot in the face still sucks all right we jumped on that one okay that's our bad my our bad all right then what about getting shot in the face so she answered that one yeah that sounds bad next question is what would be the best and most painless way to cut off one finger uh with a tool that is quite easy to get i'm researching for a book now is her response as someone who got shot in the face no she's probably not a gun a meat

slicer yeah well yeah the last question is um these things christians when someone wishes to Stop being a member of your specific religion. What steps must they take to remove themselves? And she just answers it. This is one of those courses written like a puzzle. Yes. You got to puzzle your way out. Dearest Angela.

All right, well, I'm sorry for making fun of you, Angela. I feel pretty bad about it. I don't feel bad about it. I think you're a liar. Yeah. Alex thinks you're a liar. We can see your full face and photo, and we know where you live, and I feel bad about it. That would be an instant spoiler on the thing.

Does she have a face in the photo? Can you tell me that? Yes. Oh, she does. Yeah, so that sounds pretty f***ing relevant, doesn't it, Jeremy? You can have, like, reconstruction, though. I don't. In 1993, you think you're getting, like, realistic reconstruction?

I'm looking at the photo. I do not think we should put it on the website. We are not putting it. This is not that kind of show. I do see a photo of a woman. We're not going to put a penis on. We're not going to put a woman with a face who lied about not having a face. Comment below if you think Angela's a liar about her traumatic event.

Are you on Team Angela or Team Jeremy? Sound off in the comments. Wait, why Team Jeremy? Why am I the other one? They never caught who did it. I'll leave the rest up to you. Do we have more time for the gun question? I think we're done.

We're only 30 minutes in. Okay, yeah, we've got a question. It's just we have other good questions. We have so many beautiful questions. answer is if you get shot in the head it hurts a lot it hurts bad ouchy um okay actually apparently a lot of people are fine afterwards this guy walked up the stairs after yeah it's like not a big deal it's like probably fine nurses see someone gets on their head and they do not laugh but they do laugh if there's a micropede okay this is uh our religious segment segment religion

Corbid and Fruit It's in the song You don't need to do it Yeah so Here in Corbid and Fruit We're asking the hard-hitting questions About faith The big guy

The big guy Where do we go when we die? Where do we go? Where do I go? I'm so lost I'm a sheep who's Sure How do I keep cheating on my wife?

What can I do? I can't get enough It's the betrayal That feels so good Yeah But I think that's part of it, right? It's all baked in. I assume that's how that guy talks, too.

Yeah. This question is, and this is addressed to, or it's about atheists. Do atheists have an explanation for eating bread and disrespecting holy body? Now, one thing I've noticed, atheists be eating bread. Ooh, they love it. They're like birds. They take it down. Don't go out to an Italian restaurant with a bunch of atheists,

because you are going to be taking home a lot of leftovers. I'll say that. Do you think birds know they're eating the body of Christ when they're in the river? I don't think they do, and that's why they are damned from start to finish. That's why hell is filled with ducks. No one has died for them, and for that they will be punished. What are the comments on this guy? They're either strongly for or against on this kind of topic, we've noticed.

I mean, so just before we get into it, that doesn't actually count, right? You can't just not eating bread. Not all bread is Christ. Not all bread, but if you do it with... Hashtag not all bread. First of all, back to the earlier question, God knows when you're playing games. God knows when you're playing games

because he's not afraid to take you to task if you're eating bread in a way that's like it's his body, but disrespectfully. If you're eating bread disrespectfully, God doesn't like it. Do not eat disrespectful bread. Just act like you've been there before. And by there, I mean Olive Garden.

Your family there. That's correct. When you're at Olive Garden or when you're hanging out with Dominic Toretto, you're family. That's enough. That's enough. Beautiful. I'm on the right board this time. Do atheists need a reason to eat bread more than I like bread?

I mean, if an atheist's eating bread disrespects the holy body, whatever this means in taking into account that atheists don't believe in holy bodies, they are doing it no more and no less than theists eating bread. Shut up. Luciano Molina. Shut up with that. It's not like that. This guy's got a pretty epic answer for us.

He says, sure. I have a couple, actually. Ready? Can I just add? Here it is. His name is Muddy. And he has a bachelor's in audio engineering and auto theory. Yeah, I'll say it does have where he works.

Anyway, continue. He lives in Australia. Shouts out to Muddy. Shout out to Muddy. Are you ready? You in the dirt. He says, bread existed before Jesus. Eating bread is in no way an inherently religious statement.

The Bible not only states that it must be unleavened bread. That's not true, right? No, no, that's in there. That's why you get the wafer. Oh, I see. I don't know anything about religion. No self-raising flour, no yeast, but that is part of the communion ritual that allows transmutation into the flesh of Christ.

My cheese and crackers on a Friday afternoon are therefore not heretical to your creed. That's exactly what I think. I'm muddy. That would be such a funny reason to go to hell. I'm respectfully eating crackers. Yeah, it would be funny. There's lots of funny reasons to go to hell. Eat too many sandwiches.

Hell is like a funny place. I'm an atheist. When I was in college, I had a very religious roommate who I remember asking him once, do you just straight up believe that I will go to hell for all eternity? He was like, yeah. I was like, cool. What do you want for dinner? Yeah, bread.

this guy says yes i don't give a god damn about the holy body hey i myself like mopping up spaghetti sauce with garlic holy body damn dude what did i say about olive garden that's michael j hornblower and he's an atheist of quora you gotta go back to church michael j hornblower look at that picture of him you gotta he's doing the um like snarky like yeah he looks like he's He's blowing your horn right there. He's doing the Walter Matthau from the end of Taking a Poem, 1, 2, 3. Michael J. Hornblower, Esquire. He's a healthcare professional.

There's so many of these. Is it just that nurses have, like, they need a rush between visits? That could only be satisfied by Quora? Well, if they haven't seen enough micropenises. Yeah, so you don't know every day if you're going to get a funny penis. You might need to read Quora and kind of keep the rush going. I just cannot imagine getting called in to another room to look at a penis.

You gotta see this. It looks like a lightning strike. Get your blue ribbon. Which ribbon should I bring? Okay, next question. I named my baby daughter Lucifer. My close friends think I am satanic. Is that alright?

Yeah, that's alright. You can do that. No one's going to stop you. It's a very pretty name. Judgment-free zone. Lucifer. It's a nice name for a girl. It's not right.

You don't like it? First, I do associate it with a masculine name, and that's something I'm trying to outgrow. Yeah, you really need to lose that. I'm trying to outgrow it. I haven't been meaning to talk to you about that. Every time I see you, I'll get a door dash from Lucifer, and I'll be like, thanks for the food, bro.

I'll look up with you, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. she's glowing with a heavenly glow yeah if you're not satanic i think you could probably save some steps and not name your daughter lucifer and then the confusion won't happen which i think is what we're talking weird choice weird choice somewhat weird did you just like roll dice with sounds i named my daughter the devil the devil everyone's mad at me at church my new daughter is named god sucks i actually think i could see this being the other way and being a super religious person and being like lucifer before his fall was renowned for his great prowess i like that you're doing it in the jordan peterson voice though he was a teller of

stories for those who are new jordan peterson famously to us at least got his start on quora He's a Quora guy. Famed loser, Jordan Peterson. Sorry if any of the cracked heads love him. Sorry. Yeah, we're going to take no prisoners. Anyway, yeah, it's okay to name your daughter that. Yeah, you could do it.

No one cares. What are the responses? Everyone really mad? Your question is about what people think about you, not the poor little girl who's about to be named after the devil. Oh, judgment. We're judging. So narcissistic.

Think about the complex your poor daughter would have growing up with that name and how bullied she would be. Think about her while naming her, not yourself. You can feel her pointing her finger at this proud woman. I don't think that I would bully a kid named Lucifer. I think, A, I'd be scared, and B, I'd think it's kind of cool. There's got to be a second where you're about to be like, Lucifer, you got paste on your fingers.

Your paste finger's Lucifer. Some innocent childhood bullying. And then you consider, is this the devil? Is this like the real devil? Yeah, am I in the omen? Yeah, exactly. Because the devil's a child like half of the time. Also, it's one of the funniest forms for him.

It is really. He loves that. He thinks it's so funny. Dracula likes to be a dog. If the devil went to the hospital, the nurses would laugh because the penis is so big. Not if he's a kid. No, even if he's a kid, he's the devil. He can have a big penis if he's a kid.

I don't know that we should. He's the devil. I don't know that we should be. There's no rules. I don't think we should be pulling in nurses like, you got to check out this kid's dick. If you're a nurse and you see the devil, even if he has a big penis, just leave him alone. wheel them outside if you can don't do it leave them for another also kids like aren't making fun of you based on your name i feel like they sense weakness in you and then they make funny

attack kids my name is jeremy when i was in middle school you were so strong i was so strong i remember one kid would call me germany just to be mean which like doesn't make sense it's not even mean but like they're not like thinking about it you know what i mean like yeah middle school kids aren't like i gotta come up with the funniest insult today they're just like your name is Lucifer? That sounds like Lucy. You're dumb. Hey, why don't you go retake the Rhineland?

Stuff like that. Every school's got that one kid who knows too much about Germany. Sure, sure. Hey, Otto von Bismarck, why don't you go reunify your sneakers? Your shoes are untied. I feel some tension between us, like you're Prussia. That's a thing that they could say. They could say it, and they did often.

Wearing a pork pie hat. that's just what the german kid is like anyway uh if my name was lucifer i like to think people would not be scared of me i would think you're cool did i mean to upload this whatever yeah it's fine we believe in these answers lauren says are you crazy first of all that's a really stupid name for a girl secondly i feel really bad for that kid she's gonna be bullied hated picked on throughout her whole life because you chose a stupid name for her why don't you name her lucy that would be much better. She's going to go by Lucy.

She goes by Lucy until she becomes like an alt comic and then she goes by Lucifer. She's the next Sarah Squirm. Yeah, exactly. Because her name

is literally Lucifer and they have to give her a residency. You just, yeah, SNL is forced to hire you. You're automatically the most alternative

young woman by default. Yeah, your daughter's going to get tortured growing up. Again, I'm not making fun of anyone named Lucifer.

that seems crazy i'm maybe maybe laughing at their penis right that's about it because it's so big yeah yeah i don't know everyone's just mad oh here someone goes all right my turn great start to aquora my name is stephanie i was born in the united states i went from my parents divorced i went with my mother to her her hometown quebec city in canada quebec in a french is a french province in canada where is this going french where is this going it's her turn um in french they write stephanie with an accent my name does not have one since it's in english simple enough right no biggie if only my school teacher my school years have been terrible for me so terrible i've been bullied non-stop did nothing less than six different schools just for primary

school because we moved yeah but because i was bullied so much main reason i was bullied yep my name my name was stephanie every year i would walk up to my teacher and tell them my name doesn't have an accent on it can you scratch it up and the teacher jokingly would almost shout oh it's stephanie and of course that would give the cue to the other students to start calling me that attack her doesn't matter children sense weakness in you that's how they you get bullied they're like that girl sucks yeah also and uh just hearing from her now she does kind of suck i'm ready to bully her now and i hate when it's her turn she had there's 1 000 comments on this i'm not reading the rest of it because it goes on so long if you give stephanie an inch oh my god she'll switch

schools on you six times outrageous young woman um yeah that's i don't like her at all i think she's bad i would be cruel to her if we saw her i'd be so cruel i will be so cruel all right forbidden knowledge let's hit that button this is the segment forbidden knowledge there is a segment on quora that is genuinely called forbidden knowledge we think that's funny it has the secrets of the unknown of the forbidden what could possibly behind this dark the dark curtain of the world so true all right so so these are questions that um we're not supposed to be asking but quora has asked them and this question is very dangerous how dangerous would batman become if you learned magic i think we should get this out of the way jeremy did not want to cover the batman question

he thought that was nerd shit about all right no one cares if batman learns magic which guess is going to be everyone's favorite guess what it's everyone's favorite batman is famous for not having any magic and if he had some i bet he'd really do a lot with it because he's such an inventive young man there's three answers the first one is like somebody posted a whole comic in here it's too many they like went to their library put a full mark millar spread onto the scanner machine and then put it on quora um and then this like david sure says batman did learn stage magic, which is, I don't think what we're asking. No one's asking that. What if Batman

knew sleight of hand? When you say magic, do you mean Batman finding love? What if Batman put a woman in a big box and pretended to cut her in half? No one cares. No one cares about that. We want to know if he could do, like, lightning bolts. Do you think Christopher Nolan, when he did the Prestige,

wanted it to be Batman? Yeah. And that was the premise? He wanted it to be Batman versus Superman. That was the original. Superman can't do any... No. He doesn't have the subtlety for it. He just punches the woman in half. It's easy for him. It's child. And he turns to the camera and he goes

child's play. Superman says that? Yes. This is your man of steel. Wow. This is your man of steel? Really? This is your man of steel? This guy just punched a woman in half. Batman did learn stage magic and it's

trusted. He and it's trusted by a variety of real magic users so he has probably studied the real stuff himself i don't know what that means in dc talent counts for a lot in using magic it would seem that he doesn't have a lot he doesn't have that talent so when he needs serious magic he calls on a friend or ally who does ordinary weapons cannot hurt or kill batman what now let's see we're at the basis of the website again which is not answering the question what would happen if batman had magic if batman was shot with an ordinary gun he would die yeah he has all those

things where he's like oh i wore my body armor today so i wasn't shot with a gun yeah this has four answers on it and people are just like a very astute point sir oh up vote for you he doesn't need magic i want to know what would happen um i'm gonna say that i'm gonna comment all right that's not the kind of magic we want him to have i'm not buying you a playstation 5 because you keep going on different websites as me and commenting, and I hate it. Do you actually not want me to do it? You already did it.

I can delete it. Just move on. I can delete it. The next comment says, not very at all. Not very at all. Why? He never uses 95% of the awesome stuff he has learned. He is a master of virtually every martial art,

goes around straight punching everyone. Brilliant detective, usually just charges in punching people. Oh, and did I mention, he mostly just punches people? Is that true, though? I don't know. I don't think I have the Batman knowledge to really say that. I think he does some detective. He's a great guy.

He's cool. I like the last movie where he was sad. Oh, yeah. It was funny to have Batman so sad. The whole time I was watching that, I couldn't stop thinking that if the Riddler was a real guy, I would follow him on Twitter. Yeah. I'd be sending his tweets to people. Absolutely.

He'd be like, he has a good point. Yeah, where he's like, riddle me this. What if we killed everyone in Gotham? And I was like, dude, he tweeted again. Why does he not say riddle me this more? That's my biggest complaint. He really needs to. I'm checking off on our preparation list.

Riff about the new Batman 2022. Q1 2022. Okay, we have one more segment. It's 5 Quo. It's our police segment. Okay, let me pull that up. Slam that sound. This is not a real police sound.

This is not a real siren. If you're listening to the podcast in a car, you're totally safe. You're not being pulled over most likely. It's just in the show, there's a siren. Okay, this question is, Why is it so cool to be a drug dealer in America? Is it because of Nancy Reagan? Okay.

Why is it so cool? So it's cool because you get, all right, so you get a big stack of money. Okay. You sell your drugs. You acquire a lot of, I mean, some of it's on Venmo and stuff now. I mean, I'm sorry if you don't know, but a lot of it's online now. But a lot of people are giving you 20s. They make a big stack.

You're talking to someone. All of a sudden you say, hold on, I'm getting a call. Money phone. Oh, you love the money phone. Oh, hold on. You love having the money phone. Oh, shit. It's the cool version of the banana phone.

Looks like I got to go to the bank. That's usually what happens. It's never emergencies or anything. Where does Nancy Reagan come into this? I think. Ronald Reagan's deceased wife. So there's two ways of doing this. One is that she was on TV being like, hey, drugs are like eggs.

Don't do drugs. Drugs are pretty much eggs. She kept saying that. And that made people want to do drugs. The other thing is she's famous for kind of being like a super head. So I wonder if people are like, if I sell enough drugs, can I get head from someone like Nancy Reagan, who's like the top of her field? They did say that she was famously the throat goat of Hollywood. Yeah.

And then Washington, D.C., which is a major superpower, you know, so like. Yes. At the top of the empire, she's out there leading the game throat first. And good for her. And before people get mad at me, this is like a historical fact. That is true. It's like 50 years old. this is not biased she's out she's one of the top mouths in the game yeah this is crack.com

fact-based website you can't get mad at me batman doesn't have magic other shows are like here's 10 things you didn't know about the power rangers they were like did you know nancy rega gave the best head she did though she'll suck you dry she's a ghost now right yeah she is she's dead she's definitely dead i would do bad saying this if she's still alive just an off chance that she's surfing cracked shirt and was like wait a minute yeah she's just googling crack i'm in minute 50 she died in 2016 season two she loves quaraders nancy reagan they got some wild stuff she came in when we did the master chief episode and she never left and we do have an episode entirely about master chief we cannot talk about that right now anyway yeah so i think it's to get

like a top bitch like nancy reagan on there and you gotta do it by selling drugs on your money phone um you can sell any illegal drug that you want and get rich get rich doing it because of the open southern border drugs are pouring in at a faster rate than ever before i don't think that's true chris miller wait read the last one uh all brought to you by president joe biden the biggest mistake ever appointed to the white house so the answer is it's not nancy reagan people want to be drug dealer cool joe biden diamond joe biden finally the train man they want to hop on the money train with diamond joe i gotta be the next corn pop yeah all i want he tells these inspirational tales about these guys like they sell drugs and they like they're the pillars of

the community and they're like if that's what it takes to impress joe biden i'll do it imagine like if the conservatives were correct though and like you could get invited to the white house for being so good at selling drugs like you're like a kid in high school or whatever and instead of like the rowing team they bring the drug all right dap me up slam it is that joe biden yeah slam it can you tell i'm doing his catchphrase yeah he's gonna slam it all the time you think he could dab he's always dabbing in the wrong direction the paparazzi's catching it oh yeah they're always making fun of him and the conservatives are like biden has fumbled again he doesn't even know how to dab all right read more of these all fantastic answers okay will

rogers says how in the world can you credit the late nancy reagan for it being quote cool to be slinging illegal narcotics around your neighborhood could it be that you're sampling too much of your own products to engage in rational thought now this person is engaging in psychological jujitsu this is will rogers it is a deadly gambit to engage he's an older man he worked as an honorary doctrine in international law enforcement for the baghdad police i did not see that coming i don't know what's going on that was really interesting see the thing is it's also interesting he knows about guns and cancer parentheses disease oh no and baghdad police college um okay what is that is that in iraq what is that no but like he's from texas is there i assume it's teaching people

in Baghdad police stuff. It's teaching them how to play games on your phone and stuff. That's how we did it. We sent our Texas police officers. Just explaining the different features on an iPhone. It's like a whole class.

This is Candy Crush. How many of you know Flappy Bird? You may be forced to deploy him at a moment's notice. Here is your tank. There's a world of tanks. Oh, yeah. This guy says, no, being a drug dealer isn't necessarily a cool job.

It pays well, but is illegal, of course. Sure. That's the one downside. As an addict, I can say that dealers have to, quote, deal with clients that are sheisty. A lot of dealers themselves are pretty shit people, and a lot of them are overall interesting and nice people. It's a dead end at a certain point. Explain that 20-year gap on your resume. that was a very frank answer from an addict i um i wonder if i'm surprised that nobody was like

yeah you can deal drugs legally if you're a pharmacist yeah nobody did that that's because it's not reddit that would be a reddit response all of these responses are ask hunter biden and then arrest him it does say ask hunter biden half of the answers are joe biden is nancy reagan if i could be a hundred biden first question i'm asking is you doing all these drugs because of nancy is this to impress me is this to impress throat throat nancy she's not around anymore 2016 nancy reagan won't see all the drugs you're doing but i will alex will suck your dick and then yeah i have sex with hundred by then unfortunately that's what we're talking he's putting a blue ribbon on it

nancy reagan will suck your henry I forgot they were called enemies. It made me laugh again. It made me laugh again. We got one more in there. We got one more of the day. There's a lot of gun questions today. It's not a political show, folks.

No, it's not. It's not a political show. Just a good time. Here's just a normal question. If someone breaks into your house, I got to get this good for the TikToks. What are you going for a sound? I'm getting the gun shot. If someone breaks into your house and then you grab your gun to confront him, what would you do if he laughs and shows you the bullets that were supposed to be in your gun?

That's not happening. I don't have a laugh. You want me to find a laugh? I can't do that. A laugh is a basic sound that we should be getting for the board. Hopefully we're getting laughs. What would you do if he laughs and he shows you the bullets? Yeah, I should just record all the big laughs we're getting tonight.

What would you do? would you just focus for one second please on this guy lives in an anime right you're an anime expert yeah and people do laugh a lot in anime it's a funny they're pretty much everyone's a nurse in anime it's like a slow like evil laugh right it's like and you drop the bullets one by one they go you'll be missing these uh but what do i do i'm like oh damn that's probably it so He breaks into your house. You grab your gun, and then he has the bullets, and he slowly drops them as he laughs. Oh.

I read that this happens to one in, like, 100 people across the United States every year. If you do that, the guy is broken into your house to kill you. You're done. He's, like, not there for material law. Great job. You're talking to a young girl named Lucifer. He's there to steal your life. uh but uh in terms of what i do i'm either get a second gun that i've hit

just in case this happens now or i'm killed right then and there by a dastardly villain new listeners should know that a big part of quora is people asking what you would do if someone tries to kill you and then you go like well i'd take out my knife and i'd slit their throat yeah and i would i would kill them i'd when they tried to kill me that's when i'm killing them it's my signature move all right so there's a bunch of people here who are just uh giving little scenarios this guy this is so long oh my god that's like a three-act play it's like a movie like script all right i'm gonna read a little bit there's a lot of tit for tat in there now this is a person named murphy barrett do you want to read the first scene she calls herself mrs me

so she said how about this uh i'll be mrs me you be me okay i can wait who's which who's burglar all right i'm gonna be mrs me oh this is the guy this is his wife it's me yeah he is the wife i understand completely i think everyone gets okay i'll be i'll be me you be the missus and i'll be the burglar i feel like me is gonna end up talking to the burglar okay i'll be not to drag this thing out any longer you'll be me i'll be the burglar okay i'm me sir sir wake up There's someone in the house. Of course there is, kitten. There's five of us plus the cat and dog.

I mean an intruder. All right, I'll go check. Fetch his pistol. Too tired and dopey to actually check that it's loaded because the premise of the question demands it. Confront, and then I confront intruder in living room. It's not standard playwriting format. It's kind of off on guard.

Hello, I'll be ruining your burglary tonight. Put your hands up and get on your knees. Ha, you think you scared me? Dramatically drops bullets onto the floor. Pulls trigger. Hey, he could be lying. Click. Bollocks.

Oh, he's British. Bollocks. Throws gun as distraction. Grabs sword from while have at the villain. A sword? What are you going to do with a sword? All right, this is enough of this. We got the idea.

It's really going to get out of control. He calls his wife kitten. He's British. He says bollocks. We don't like any of that. You guys don't want to hear. This has 2,500 upvotes, and all the comments are just like, well done. An excellent solve, perhaps, sir.

I concur. This is by far my favorite answer I've ever read on here. I hope Hunter Biden doesn't break into your house, sir. This guy says, you are an amazing human, and you should write books. Okay. And the guy says, I'm working on a sci-fi now that I plan to publish via Amazon when it's done. If that goes well, I may publish some other work. All right, this was four years ago.

Is there a sci-fi app? That's the question. This guy's name is Murphy Barrett. We're going to the post history to see if he has published sci-fi. He's done 3,000 posts, though. All right. There's no way this guy published a book. We would know.

We would know. He posted six hours ago. I read a lot of sci-fi. Yeah, that too. And I would know. That too. And so he hasn't. He hasn't done it.

He gave up on the dream. His name is, let me look at it, Orson Scott Card. Never heard of him. Do you want to read any more of these? All of these are the same thing. They're all quotes. stop right there I'm warning you

have a gun the intruder so what I have your bullets wait what how'd you get my bullets don't tell me you snuck in

and unloaded them while I was sleeping why not because idiot and with a brain would have taken my gun to Jeremy they're all too long

to read they're all really long you have to hit the more button and it's a full play so in the end the answer is you have to write a play about it

you have to write a play and tell people what it's like what it happens and then you have to publish your science fiction novel you have to do it alright

so that's going to be all the Koras for us this week. Thanks for dropping on down. Now, we do end every single show with kind of our signature segment here. Oh, yes. Debatably our only segment. Yes.

And that is, of course, asking a question to the website for next week. That way we can read the answers in the next episode. I have more thoughts about getting shot in the face. Okay, I have thoughts

about nurses laughing at my penis. How do we combine these ideas? How do we make a little peanut butter jelly sandwich out of that? If you're a nurse... If I've been shot in the face... See, these are two flavors

that do not go together. is the problem if you're a nurse if i get shot in the penis will nurse laugh at it oh yeah that's fine that's pretty good i feel like we'll farm engagement with that people want to answer a quarrel like that if i get shot in the penis write that up we'll all right jeremy's writing it up the nurses laugh at it so we got new chorus for you every week please come on down to the channel if you like the show we do have a patreon patreon.com slash quarators we are the quarators podcast we read quora i feel like everyone understands what's happening here's the theme song thanks for listening