Quorators - If Einstein Is So Smart, Then Why Did He Die?

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Men who have daughters are betas. Why won't people understand that? How many unarmed Nazis would it take to defeat a gorilla? Would it be haram to shift realities or quantum jump in Islam? I really want to learn how to do this and be better at it, but there's always a doubt and I get scared of it being haram. ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

So there's a few things we're not going to be doing in this episode, and that is having a sword. Mentioning that I took a huge dump in the cracked office, and then the plumbing wasn't working, and it's just back there, and no one has told anybody about it. Involve the sword in trying to fix that toilet situation. There is just a toilet in the cracked office that has a big dookie in it from Mr. Alex Patak. If any super fans out there want a taste of that, head to the cracked offices. hey welcome back to quarators on crack.com home of the fact and by dot com we mean the youtube page it's another week here on quora we're alex and jeremy While you were out partying, we were studying the Quora.

It's just, it's too big for the table for one to sort. It is too large, but we're zoomed out because we have a big flag. That's true, and otherwise, the full word on the flag wouldn't fit. Welcome to the show. Welcome to Quora-ators, the only podcast that reads Quora. We're the only podcast that laughs at the internet. We're the first to ever do it. Yeah, is it the first to ever do it?

And we're brothers. And we're two brothers. We got a great show for you today. There is no guest. No guest. You've been bad. This is your punishment. We're going through some real stuff we did not feel comfortable showing to a third person.

Yeah, but are comfortable showing to several thousand people on the internet. And with your help, several million. Several million. Let's make this one go viral for the boys. All right, crack.com comments. Make this one go viral. let's make this one go viral crack.com comments do your thing call me a pedophile to the point um if you haven't seen the show before we we read quora we read quora questions if you're

one of the millions here for the first time you don't know what we are but we're quarators we curate quoras we go to the website quora.com which is like facebook but also reddit and yeah and you can upvote things but you make money sometimes also ring that bell ring that bell for cracked slam that button and head to patreon.com slash quarators yeah that's an even better bell episodes um but also for on our show we read quora we do and um every week we drop a quora onto the website quarators and then we pretty much treat quora like it's a crack.com bathroom and but with with plumbing that just does not work and so you do things that are very humiliating there people are gonna be so nice to us this episode also this is batch recorded so

this is coming out like three weeks after this yeah so if it's the poop's still there we're in trouble something has gone wrong we're in the apocalypse there's been some kind of cataclysm event it's like one of those apocalypse tv shows where it just like suddenly cuts to like 50 years later and like the poop is still there but it's like everything's green and lush it's like station 50 station 11 i just watched that show that's why i'm referencing it yeah it's the it's like jump cut yeah all right release the poop jump cut what did we say last week last week on quarators if chorus if chorus started making their own tv shows what would you like to see from them how much response did we get on this because i feel like this is a good engagement

fishing question well let's see this is scrambled eggs thank you this is scrambled eggs as uh for the millions of new listeners if you must respond to our question at the end of the episode make sure to use the words scrambled eggs and that way

we know that you are just some fucker who came from our show and not like a real guy answering it yeah that way when you write something crazy

as a joke we know it's a joke and we don't say this person's crazy yeah we don't make fun of you because you're one of the gang um okay

the one real answer here from Splatty is keeping with Q&A tradition Quora might have a live call-in show oh It could be interesting. Who are we calling into?

After the theists get riled up. If Quora had a calling show, it would be Jordan Peterson's calling show. Oh, wait, there's more. One guy says, Captain Kangaroo. He was entertaining. He was educational. But above all, he treated children with respect. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm reading. Why is Quora just, like, slipped in another question? What's the best TV show ever made? And I, oh, my God, I'm so mad. If Quora had a TV show, it would be Captain Kangaroo. It is my belief that Quora would invent the Flintstones. Next question. We read some of our listeners' ones.

Okay. I would like to see host slash guest reading unhidden questions and answers from Quora and also a scrambled egg segment. Maybe have it be a video slash audio medium on a certain channel that only have facts on it. That does sound good. Definitely should also have wacky sound effects. Upvote. Useful answer.

I'm going to say go off. Yeah, Jeremy's going to tell him to go off. And if you write into the show, you could get a high compliment such as that. And especially if you tell us. It's dangling in front of you. I think we would invent Captain Kangaroo. Okay, so that's-

But if you don't write scramble digs, that's when the sword comes out. It's not, you're going to spill on my laptop. I'm so afraid of the sword. I've hit the microphone so many times. For people listening to just the audio version, We have a sword. There's a katana in the office today.

It's not a real one. Don't tell them that. Oh, I'm sorry. It is a real one. If you come at me, I'll cut you down. Jeremy is wanted by the police. Yes. So that wasn't like our wackiest question,

and we did get some good answers on that. Now you're just reading my email. I was trying to read our email, our collective email. all right let's let's get into our first segment this week is the quoker now this is our incel and manosphere segment um there's a lot of incels in the quora community and we want to learn their their minds that's right jeremy and the logic is that the joker if he were real would not be getting no pussy no and so that's why it's called the quoker what's on quora this week all right um this question is men who have daughters are betas why won't people

understand that so this is a common refrain based on the bonus episode we just recorded with a guy on redwood saying this exact same thing now the thing is with this question i think a lot of you are going to be confused and say and think that the question is do men who have daughters are they betas are they betas but that's not the question that's a statement why won't people understand that right yes what's wrong with them what's wrong with society that i only i understand that men with daughters are betas i guess my answer jeremy would be that they're so serious and then i would ask a follow-up why so serious yeah men who have daughters are betas Don't you understand, Batman?

Do you know how I got this child's tutu? Do you know how I got this daughter? Do you know how I got this Barbie playhouse, Batman? Because of my many daughters. Remember when 2008 happened? Oh, yes. What a year it was, folks. Take me back.

That was when Cracked was real. We got to return to 2008. The Dark Knight. We wouldn't understand because we're two daughter-having betas. I mean, not yet, but you can just tell. Oh, yeah. Look at these guys. They're going to have daughters.

That's one of the top comments we get, by the way, is that we're betas. And I don't know in reference to who. Do you ever feel like- Who is our alpha? Is it Rob? Is it the cameraman Rob? Maybe. He's kind of like our stern daddy.

He sets up the camera and leaves. If you're a beta, do you need to have an alpha? A beta must have an alpha Jeremy You can't just be a beta out in the wild The hierarchy does not You can't be a freelance ronin beta That's not gonna work Who are you gonna

I almost got hit with the sword if you're listening Who are you gonna beta for Who's gonna dom you The sword is dangerous I'm afraid of it spilling on my laptop The sword is god Get it out of here God damn quokers segment

Bringing the sword out Anyway, no, I don't think you could have a beta in the wild. What animal would be a beta in the wild, do you think? Dogs. Sloth. Sloth. All dogs, because dogs are just like wolves that we turned into little cutesy animals. That doesn't mean they're betas.

They're alphas when they're alone, because they're number one on the call sheet. That's true, they are. So being alpha is to be the Tom Cruise of your clique. Of your pack. Of your pack. You're a pack celebrity. If you were in Mission Impossible by yourself, you would be the first name called. Now, Jeremy Renner tried to be the alpha of Mission Impossible.

Oh, my God. And how did that work out? No. How did that work out? Tom Cruise barked him down. He's always standing at the craziest angles, Jeremy Renner. There's so many photos, still photos of him as Hawkeye, where he's like full hip splayed, spine twisting 180 degrees to look at the camera.

And it looks insane. This is why he hit himself with a snowplow. For some reason, I thought you said that his name was Hawk Guy for a second. I was like, that's a good name, as opposed to Hawk Eye. New Marvel character, Hawk Guy. Isn't that all of them, folks? Quickly, Hawk Guy, you got to pop the top off. Did you ever worry you just got to-

Like the city is in danger. You got to do that thing where you cross your arms and slowly bring it up. Oh, yeah. That's the only way to stop the- Just peel that thing off like a banana. Chitauri. What are the aliens in Avengers? Don't say these kinds of things to me.

Don't talk to me like that. Isn't it the name of them? Oh, bro. Chitauri. Thank God that's what it was. I'm so happy for both of us. What if you just bleep it out? It just sounds like it's something crazy.

Excuse me? Chitauri. Which aliens are those? Those are the ones from the Avengers. It's like Thanos' army or whatever. Oh, okay. I don't know, dude. Who cares?

Yeah, it sounds like you do know. I have no idea. That's why you're a daughter having beta. I literally don't know who the Chitauri are from Avengers, the first one, when they do the tasks. Okay, back to the question. I'm going to wrangle us back in. Donald Trump has a daughter, so are you really sure about that guy? Is he an alpha?

People with daughters have betas? So these people, I guess. I guess he has two sons for the daughter. Does that balance it out? He has two daughters, though, because he's got Tiffany. Oh! So maybe he's a little bit of a beta. He has three sons and two daughters.

Okay. Because Baron. You're forgetting Baron. There's honestly a lot of them, and it's kind of hard to keep up. Trump Jr. Yep. Eric. Eric.

Baron. Baron. Tiffany. Ivanka. Yep. Okay. Are there more than that? As long as you have a son to cross the daughter out, you can still be an alpha, I guess, is

the lesson. All right. I learned something today. And who's the biggest alpha? Donald Trump. He was president. That's a cracked bag. So I think we settled the question.

What are the comments on this? Do you ever worry that your balls are just filled with X chromosomes? Never once. Never once, my dude. Straight X's. Not getting anywhere on this TikTok. That's your fault. If you have a daughter, that's on you.

That's on you, bro. You're not like cool alpha daughter Trump. Ask yourself why. Yes. Yep. Yep. Ask yourself why. Welcome to Cracked.

Humans do not have alphas or betas. The whole premise is nonsense because actual leadership is not asserting dominance, but in cultivating excellence in the whole team. And we do not need to care about your sexism. Okay. 555 upvotes on that. We do not need to care about your sexism. Also, and this is just me saying this

as an impartial observer, it kind of sounds like beta talk. It kind of sounds like something a beta would say. That there's no alphas or betas? Yeah. Wow. It kind of seems like, oh, why are we even having this competition?

Oh, by the way, I'm in second. Yeah. Humans don't have that. It has nothing to do with the fact that I don't lead a pack of wolves. No one thinks I should be pack leader. I've never been the president. I eat second before everyone.

i don't wear a big red tie to show him a big boy i've never had a elongated circle office um i don't know because it's not true in the slightest do yourself a favor and never have children that's from blade in the heart blade in that's a great quora name um bs and there's nothing to understand because people aren't involved you you don't understand going off on this guy. Toxic masculinity isn't alluring or sexy. And until you figure that out,

you shouldn't have sons or daughters. Not even daughters! You can have non-binary children. You can only have androgynous children. That was from Bunny97. Bunny97 ethering that question. Three roses, two

hearts, one love. One love. One love. One love. That's Bunny97 y'all. Get it going in the chat for bunny 97 right in your favorite bunny 97 comments but i know mine is one love here's a great one because babe ruth only had daughters let's go it is 1942 we're the world's first podcast ever heard of true alpha babe ruth chubby baseball player he's chubby and he you know what never mind about the thing i was gonna say and it's just a cracked fact but the

The thing about Babe Ruth is he was pushed as a white guy at the time, but they're not sure if he was actually a dark-skinned Dominican man. Really? Is that true? I think so. Huh. You should look it up now that I'm afraid I said it

on a podcast, but yes. Well, this is, I wrote, Dominican? It's on Snopes. It's on Snopes. Oh, Snopes has taken it, oh, unproven. Snopes has question mark. Snopes has question mark. Now, this is crack.com home of the fact.

I don't want to spread lies on this. Now, it seems like the big... Would Desus and Mero lie to me about Babe Ruth? Mero wrote, oh, nah, he Dominican as fuck. So... I don't know what's happening over there. Sorry, someone's yelling at the other room. I thought they were yelling at us for some reason.

I don't know why that would be happening. We're talking about Babe Ruth. So, okay, the reason for this is that Mero quote tweeted a colorized photo that someone made and said that he looks Dominican. Now, this colorized photo is, of course, just A black and white photo that someone drew colors over in Photoshop. Well, it looks like it could be real, doesn't it?

Yeah, I don't know. I think that everybody's kind of thinking this kind of thing. I think that's right. It's speculated that... Babe Ruth. Check out Babe Ruth. This is a long Snopes article, which is not the website we have a podcast about. Shouts out to Babe Ruth.

If he was Dominican, that's dope as hell. That's really cool. Dominican Babe Ruth. Babe, come on the show. Babe, please come on the show. Won't you be our pig in the big city? Babe, wait. This is the animal segment,

Quaragon Wild. Let's move on. We're now on Quaragon Wild. Wild. Oh, this is a good one. How many unarmed Nazis would it take to defeat a gorilla? now um if you listen to the first season of the show which was shot at my house with a phone

um you probably know that we have answered 1 000 questions about who can fight a gorilla the answer is very almost no one pretty much just master chief yeah and he has his armor if he has his armor but also you have to understand that master chief without his armor still has incredible genetic experimentation done to him that makes him quite different. Allow me to finish. It makes him quite different than your average Joe. And so he could fight a gorilla,

but that doesn't mean Nazis are going to have any luck, even with their master race. So what are the comments on this say? Well, first of all, I like that we're reading a question that's about some of our angrier commenters on YouTube, finally. And I'm not going to say if they're the Nazis or the gorilla. Um, do you want to answer it first? Do we have any ideas how many it would take?

All right. This is my version of me. Oh, yeah, the question is not could they, it's how many. Yeah. This is basically Quora's version of the light bulb joke. Where it's like, how many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Quora's like, how many unarmed Nazis does it take to take down a gorilla? I understand where you're coming from, but a light bulb is a very easy thing to do,

and fighting a gorilla bare-armed is an extremely difficult thing to do. So I don't think it's quite the same question. You know what? I have some Eastern European heritage. It's very difficult for me to screw in a light bulb. I need several of my friends. Absolutely. And that is a place that's coming from your truth.

Is that going to get me in trouble? I don't think so. But one thing that would get you in trouble is if you and your friends had to fight a gorilla. That would get me in a lot of physical trouble. So if all of you strangled the gorilla at the same time? I don't think. I think you would need like a hundred people. yeah you're gonna need a fucking ton to do this dude i just would back out of this any kind of

obligation you're in just x out of that i also don't think that your political affiliation matters that much although i guess if you were in the wehrmacht right and they were just like we must take sick gorilla and but they like didn't give you any tools to do it like you would have to do that or you'd be a treason in the treasonous nazi soldier and they'd kill you so in that case i guess what you want to do is get like 100 dudes to kind of belly flop on this thing and just bury it alive and that's what i think and that's your best chance and one guy's gonna get tore up by that monkey's mouth but they have no what are they gonna are they just punching him don't just flop like all be on him at once but then what well you need i don't know you starve him out

if you're if you're all on top of him he's buried alive in people maybe he'll suffocate i'm gonna say you need 100 people and if the grill is jewish and it's nazis you need 200 you're gonna need 200 because it'll have twice the strength yeah thanks for writing in see look look at this question the second one is this is the same as the light bulb before after they put in the light bulb to see maybe i'm wrong about it thank you maybe i'm off base here um all those details are really insignificant as long as the gorilla gets adequate food and drinks and rest it could go through a million zombies breaking bones and left and right without much damage to itself that isn't true if the gorilla gets the drop on you

it's really gonna tear through europe uh yeah dude the gorilla could have won world war ii absolutely if it's a soviet gorilla if the if these democrat cowards weren't afraid to push the gorilla button this war would be over already the comments are going to think we are republicans this episode i don't know why you would say that anyway uh yeah i think you could probably fucking uh you'd have to bury that gorilla life we've read this one before oh yeah it's doing the thing where it brings us to another question yeah quora is very misleading does it still have the tab where says answers only at the top no they've gotten who is updating this website why are they making harder to use every time we use it's driving me crazy also this is the chat gpt thing still here

yeah well not for this one for some reason um i like this one it says uh one but they wouldn't be fighting in a silly octagon that's true even without access to modern weapons a nazi or any other reasonably intelligent human interesting, would use his noggin to devise traps or distance weapons to use against the gorilla. Not for academic reasons or entertainment. It was a source of protein.

That is incorrect. It's not gonna work. What crap are you using? What, are you gonna, like, trick it into, like, a hole or something? The gorilla's going to rip your arms off. He is stronger and faster than you. And you know what? He might be smarter than you.

He can probably dig out of a hole a lot better than you can, too. So if you got out of there, odds are pretty good the gorilla's getting out. You can't do arithmetic. But, like, in the wild, you're not smarter than the gorilla. What are you gonna do? You have no strength. Oh, I'll make a spear. Shut

up! No, you won't. Where are you getting a rock pointy enough? Even if you had a spear, I don't think your odds are pretty good against a gorilla. No. Not even close. But I guess if I'm like a full platoon of Nazis, I might do okay. Maybe you are. But it does say

specifically unarmed so i believe that is cheating anyway thanks for the question the answer is you're gonna need a lot of nazis let's go to the next one we're doing we're tackling religion today on to religion is this our most offensive trio of questions to begin um yeah it's the show has to get better as we go is the thing so here we go i like it this is our uh religious segment forbidden fruit and that's kind of a reference to forbidden fruit isn't it jeremy it sure is alex it sure is this question is would it be haram to shift realities or quantum jump in islam i really want to learn how to do this and be better at it but there's always a doubt and i get scared of it being haram now haram i'm i'm no muslim jeremy yes but this is like the the rules

in islam that like you can't like play games and like drink alcohol right i haven't heard that about games uh i know there's a rule against alcohol there's a rule against like uh like eating certain foods it means forbidden okay i know go ahead and do a control f on games on the haram wikipedia games zero well i know it's like a vicious stereotype you're starting i just i know this because i um i remember reading once that the history of chess is such that like in muslim countries like hundreds of years ago they weren't allowed to play um i think it's games of chance so like they couldn't play chess but they this is not a game of chance i know but they got around it by saying that it was um it was war strategy uh so they were able to like use that as a loophole

to play chess i did the same thing with starcraft in college i was like this is for this is for my tactics i'm going to need these skills what are you going to do with the zerg come i'm not going to know how many pylons I need to safely expand. Let me ask you this, priest. What will you do when the creep comes up on your house? How many carriers will you deploy?

Will you know to make just void rays? Tell me this. Can you quickly stagger your... Stockers? Stockers is the word I was looking for. It's been a while. Anyway, Haram,

can you quantum leap in a halal fashion is the question yeah have you seen quantum leap no i've only seen like a few clips of it okay so in quantum leap first of all he really is hoping his next leap is the leap home okay but instead of just choose no he just is getting thrown here and there um but the thing is he is often quantum leaping into quite unpleasant situations and tense ones so i would say if i were a true and fair god i would forbid my followers from quantum really yes wow but granted at the time like let's say it's like 800 ad or whenever uh islam popped off uh you're probably gonna need to know about quantum leaping first and uh i'm not i'm not sure the press had

gotten out there yet now you know what's interesting is that there's a bunch of related questions and almost all of them are there's a lot of people asking about reality shifting is shifting realities haram is it haram to shift reality in islam i've been wanting a reality shift but i'm scared it's haram if it is then why is it not blah blah blah everybody wants to reality shift into a movie the halal way so people really do i guess for some reason tiktok is so dangerous to spread to people all of the young people are trying to reality shift someone posts a section in a farsi or something oh society of jinn and humans if you can pass through the bounds of the heavens and the earth go ahead and pass but you will not pass except

with authorization so you can't do it without awa's permission so you just gotta get a slip yeah you need a pink slip you gotta get you gotta get the big man to sign him off on that yep it's like going on a school field trip you gotta get your parents to sign it i don't think that's unreasonable no i think that's totally fair it can really get out of hand it's best if you just get a lot like quick like do you have a second can you just check off that i can quantum shift today yeah i think that's totally fair that's totally fair you don't want to like go out of you don't want to be out of bounds and i think if i if i were a god i think that i would make a similar rule i'd have at least one rule about shifting yeah that's fair i think that's

true okay um if you follow a religion is very unlikely that you will be able to do such things religion will prevent you and hold you back you need to be spiritual and not religious all right this is a witch fuck you down vote down vote down vote oh we have one comment and ethering harry singh on this and he says that's not what they asked yeah that is not what they asked someone else says i think people are confused about what reality shifting is people have been doing this for years kids from tiktok just gave it a cooler name reality shifting is when someone lucid dreams but has written a script about what's going to happen in their dream since lucid dreams aren't haram to my knowledge no reality shifting is not haram i don't know that i've heard that one before

i have heard that there is i know there was a trend snopes there was a trend recently where people on tiktok were claiming that they could reality shift and they would just be like sometimes i pretend that i'm charlie brown yeah and it was like i don't know if that's like i don't know if that's anything i think it's called like you know imagination oh look i'm thinking of a crazy three-way i'm in yeah and then people would be like i'm a heckin witch arena people would claim they had dreams that were so vivid that they were like years long yeah it's just not true i've had some year-long dreams you ever had some of those you ever had a dream that keeps going to a while where you're like i would like to wake up now no i don't think i have it's stressful these are

people who they would say like it would be like someone being like a teenager usually in high school and being like i just had a dream that lasted 10 years and i was married and had children and i woke up and i mourned my children who i thought were real and she's like no you didn't bro i did those all the time yeah yeah you have a 10-year dream it's exhausting it doesn't feel like you got any sleep to be honest you wake up and you're just like still mad about your kids college professor is that real yeah because he's so woke in your dream it was a republican podcast um the cracked podcast the cracked youtube there's a cracked fact you gotta stand for the national anthem is batman real why won't they stand

why doesn't spider-man stand for the anthem he's not been crouched spider-man was friends with police officers in the first game but now he's not is this wokeness is this wokeness gone amok remember when spider-man in i think the first sam raimi movie it has that moment where he jumps in front of the american flag and it goes behind him that was out of control what was that the part where all of the like um all the new yorkers like moved the crane so he could swing better and they're like if you mess with one of us in new york you mess with all you mess with all of us that was when i decided i gotta move here one of us is spider-man he's every guy you meet on the street one in four are spider-man i have a um i have a spider-man poster in my bedroom you seen

this wow i wish i heard you it's the i bet your wife loves that it's so cool well it's from the first sam raimi movie and it's from before 9-11 so it's the one where in the reflection of his eye you can see the world and then they they like destroyed all of those actually nothing is in spider-man's eye it's the green goblin which is even worse than 9-11 well if you think of the number of people green goblin has killed and we can't get into who is worse green goblin or 9-11 today but that could be our question at the end okay yeah that's worse what was worse for new york city did greek goblin kill more than 3 000 people we're gonna look into it uh how many of them were from boston 9-11 didn't have those bombs that if you hit people with them they disintegrate

how many people got a call the greek goblin would be there that morning this is gonna be our last episode on the channel probably we have to re-record this what is this question i went to an atheist club and when i recited any text from the bible the atheists fell off their chair and frantically covered their ears which proves atheists are insecure about their own beliefs what do atheists have to say for themselves They all yelled re as I spoke the word of the Lord. No, no, no, no. My shallow spiritual vision of the world.

That's right. This is a Republican podcast. You need God. I guess what atheists would have to say for themselves if we had one here. And we don't. We're a Republican God-fearing podcast. This is what happens when I have a sword for an episode. Jeremy had a sword for one second.

I have a weapon, and I'm like, I'm a conservative now. Jeremy is a conservative Muslim, and I am a arch-evangelical. And together, we are speaking to atheists, and we're exposing them. So I would guess. I was choked on this fucking seltzer. Please, inshallah. There's no running toilets in this building. Yeah, I'm still very.

Do you think maybe that's why he was yelling in the other room? i feel like that could be it anyway so there's no way that's why okay we're we're doing the podcast i think if atheists they had texts from the bible what texts are gonna set an atheist off i guess um what do you mean well like what part of the bible is gonna make you fall off a chair i honestly don't know anything about the bible i don't know yeah you only know about the quran yes okay so i would say probably the parts where jesus is betrayed um for silver sure it's pretty upsetting no don't say that i think we all fell off our chair the first time we heard that for sure um job or those parts where the devil tempts the lord so many times well i've you know

it's it i don't believe in the devil but he does tempt me often he has many temptations i really will offer you all the kingdoms of man imagine how good this podcast would be if i could play the guitar really well would that be famous yeah if it was this exact same conversation but with just like an opium den track in the background jeremy is learning how to play guitar live on and we can't just play that music no i people want it live they can tell when there's soul okay i find royalty free wait wait wait wait i want you to read the answers to the question please royalty free guitar music and such a thing

does not exist you can't find that kind of stuff on YouTube no copyright guitar background music that seems promising is low T making you miss out on life

fucking shit my ass what happens if you play an ad in the audio for your show on YouTube does like the law

explode after I don't know okay Okay, well, let's read the comments. This is an atheist. I say you're lying. Here, go for it. And as a liar, you are breaking one of the Ten Commandments of your God

and will be deemed, I'm sorry, and will be denied entry to heaven. Exodus 2015, you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Oh, shit. Did the chair break or did you just organically fall out of the chair for no reason? This is unhinged today. i was doing a bit i was doing a bit i was doing a chris farley style bit it was so believable i got scared you you're gonna be denying entry to heaven you keep acting like this now let me read you another passage revelation 21 27 this show by the way getting more christians by the week

we just read the bible for like 45 minutes last week on the bonus okay um there shall be Excuse me, Revelation 21, 27, but there shall be no means to enter it, anything that defiles or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb's book of life. So I hope that clears up a lot of the stuff we're talking about today. I'm going to turn off this music. It sucks. I hope they didn't find my poop.

I really tried to... They told me that bathroom was working before I went in there. And I think I was set up. i think i was set up by one of my enemies yeah i think he did i mean i peed in the other one you peed in the other one you said the bathroom's not working rob said you have to use the other one anything goes back there to me to me he said oh right so he was trying to set up one of us for sure i'm gonna be in fucking jail when this comes out that's why they keep yelling i think i mean it's gross man it's really gross and it just shows a lack of something it shows a lack of

something when it shows they're gonna fire me from the building i'm not gonna be allowed back in because i'm gonna be mr poop so we're back at alex's uh apartment the mix of like we did this crazy offensive episode where we praised donald trump and like all this other stuff and then like alex took a huge fucking shit and didn't flush it they're gonna get the fuck out of here I can't stop hiccuping. Yeah, it's because you're scared. Or is it the rule for hiccups that you need to become scared? Yeah, you got to scare it out of yourself.

All right, I'm going to grab water again. I'm sorry. Oh, there is none. Yeah, you're not grabbing shit at your goddamn... You're going to read quarters, you bitch. All right, I'm going to see if there's water. I'll be back. All right, I got bad news.

So I went out to get some water and I walked by the bathroom and like 30 construction workers just walked in and I swear to God, one of the construction workers walked out of the bathroom and threw up on the ground. Just like not even into a trash can, just on the ground. I see you're having a laugh at our situation

and I don't find it funny. I don't find it funny. Alex is like, I'll take things that didn't happen for 500. He's reading a Quora comment again. From Emily Doyle, a nice Jewish girl. Nice Jewish girl.

Let's see what her deal is. I'm all for open debate and exchange of ideas in good faith, but if you post blatant misinformation in my mentions, I'll delete it. Rather than engage. That's not too much of a threat, really. No, it's not a big deal. It's kind of like if you post something I don't like,

I guess I won't respond to that. She's a contributor to Slut Cakes. Wow. I feel like this is... Anal-centric girls deep in ass play and pegging. What the fuck? So if you click on one of these, it's going to be somebody getting pegged.

i just want you to know that before you want to see what an anal hook looks like yeah do we want to i mean it's not in anybody yeah i mean it looks like a fish hook do you want to know how to treat a white girl all right this is gonna be that's that's just gonna be porn right you should click one well this is no that's i don't want to click that one oh yeah no they're all gross they're all really gross all right emily doyle i mean i feel bad that we read that on the air but also it says that you're a contributor and it's featured on your page featured on your all of this information is just frankly like displayed on the internet and so it feels like there's no rules against reading it you're you're you're a software engineer you live in washington

dc and you have contributed 22 items to slut cakes damn son and the boneyard you're pretty much the admin of slut cakes is that there's a lot about dogs it's about there's more porn on quora than i realized until this very moment yeah what's the dog one this one's about no you said there's something about dogs oh because it's the boneyard oh i like this no one's about knows about donald trump sexuality covet 19 masturbation judaism the five powers combined to summon oh wait it keeps going woman's underwear pornography democracy skydiving non-monogamy washington dc yeah there's one thing i know about that's washington dc baby home of the empire what do you want me to read what's up more lying for jesus is

it no go to the next question okay i'm so thrown off that i don't know what is happening to you i'm losing my mind i'm not happy about this you're having like a full body seizure right now okay our next segment is forbidden knowledge god damn that's not really you're not really being pulled over forbidden knowledge welcome to forbidden knowledge the hub of the unknown um this question is can a fully blind person be addicted to porn so we're going to talk about this for at least 45 minutes uh yeah yes for sure they can why wouldn't they i mean you can't see it So what is porn to a blind person?

They describe it. That's from the Bible. What is porn to a blind man? What is VR porn to the man with no retinas? Only he whose penis can fit through the eye of a needle may make it into heaven. May he with the straw dick be the first to watch VR porn on his blind eyes.

Can a fully blind person be addicted to porn? so you gotta be an asmr guy yeah i imagine like what i i bet i imagine you can listen to like jerk off instructions yeah sure yeah jerk off instructions yeah bring it up take it down isn't that a thing swish it all around it's jerk off instruction alex is gonna start doing this on the side hey everybody start slanging it it's alex patak here start slanging it hey everybody Hey, Alice Patak from many podcasts. What you're going to want to do is just go to town on your hog right now. This is Crack's first erotica instruction video, and I just wanted to tell you, freaking

go nuts down there. Oh, yeah. Go off on your dick. Yeah, you can have as many eyes as you want to go crazy, or your little pussy. Yeah, so if someone is blind, they're probably jacking off to that. Maybe this. Yeah. They could, in theory, be listening to this right now and jacking off to it.

And many are. Let me read this answer so you can take a minute to master these hiccups here. Why do I have hiccups so bad? I don't know. I feel like it's that you're nervous or something. I'm not. You keep getting them while we are recording. I know.

What does it mean? I don't know. Maybe, see, we were going to ask that question about, what was it? What's worse, 9-11 or the Green Goblin? See, that's a better question than why does Jeremy keep getting hiccups. But I do want to consult a medical person about it. Okay, let me read this question. uh aaron james who has been dealing with blindness since birth says oh absolutely we have computers

and phones with screen readers we read and sometimes write erotica we go on sites like porn hub and you porn to look for things to listen to we book that's got to be so weird that's got to be said because the thing about porn is that like very little attention is usually given to what it sounds like yeah and i bet it's all over the place not great audio engineering Although they do have great foley on when the lady says bang bros. I'll give them that. What do they say? What does she say?

She goes like, bang bros. Ooh, that's hot. Yeah, it's like that. So other than that, I feel like it's probably all over. It's just like a series of slamming noises. That makes me want to bang a bro. Yeah, I got to get on to my brother's. All right, now it's weird.

Never mind. I'm going to cut that out. All right, cut out this whole episode. So the thing is, I'm going to continue reading this blind guy's porn post. We own sites like Pornhub and YouForPorn. We listen to things to listen to where we bookmark to try our hardest to download our favorites, just like-sighted folks.

Now, first of all, I'm going to take a moment to step back here and say, if you're downloading in 2023- You're not doing it like-sighted folks. You're not doing it like-sighted folks because you don't have to download shit. If you're downloading anything, you're a mark. Why are you paying for porn?

Or you're blind? Or you, I guess, that's ableist to take a stance on downloading porn. It's just this person. That's what he says. yeah he's obsessed with porn it sounds like yeah uh he's probably a subscriber we're talking about a premium subscriber supporting the industry there's a period of my life a few and there's a period in my lifetime a few years back when i thought i was struggling with this porn and sex

just took up a lot of time and space in my mind i got unbelievably angry when i couldn't find new material to listen to i got so upset when i couldn't find any good erotica to read i got so extremely upset when they charged one of the porn sites so it can't work with screen readers anymore or changed i cried so much when i dropped a hard drive of mine and lost over 36 gigabytes of porn i had collected over the years so this guy is like actually addicted to porn he has like a library you know the the tiktok craze about like porn addiction it's when men be looking at broads or whatever this is this guy i mean if you don't have 36 gigabytes i feel like you're maybe okay If you've got a smaller hard drive.

Or, to be fair, maybe he's shooting it in like 8K. Yeah, if he's got 4K vids. Because each one of these videos is like 150 gigabytes. Yeah. So it could just be like half a quarter. I have like a solid two-hour podcast of porn on my hard drive. That could be like 500 gigabytes. But he's dropping it and crying.

So I guess the answer is a definitive yes. I could not be caught dead with porn downloaded on my computer. What is it, 2002? What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know he's addicted to porn. I don't remember what I was going to say. You know what else pisses me off?

The changes they made to porn sites. We have to be verified to post videos. He just goes on like a little rant at the end. Yeah, this guy is fully addicted to porn. I understand why they did that, but now a lot of my content is deleted or unavailable until the user verifies their account. Some of those videos are uploaded years ago,

there's a small chance the owner will even remember or want to be verified so he's saying like the porn that he likes to jack off to isn't like available anymore i guess what i liked about this question is it was written like a sphinx's riddle sure and it really was just like hey blind porn addict here i can't get enough they sent me to jail i like to hear the moans Quora is the best place To be a Blind porn addict Because it is all

Erotica prompts That's true It's all people doing Erotica's poetry slams together Yeah you should just read One of those books About like how Bigfoot Like goes down on a woman

That's how it sounds I need you to get blurry Down there Oh Down there That's what they're saying To Bigfoot If it's a Japanese porn

He'll be extra blurry On his dick you can't i can't is that bad no i mean it's not i mean is it bad to get sucked off by bigfoot i guess is the question that's just that's just porn math i think it's bad he's blurry they blur the penises the penises you're right this would be extra blurry or maybe it'd be crystal clear you're being logical about it my emotional brain is getting triggered because i'm being soy if you put bigfoot in the japanese porn he's all blurry and his dick is is fucking okay yeah you can see every uh frame of the yeah all the pores on his cock so this has really been an enlightening

question thank you for writing that on uh yeah and you're welcome and you're welcome for us finding it for you and curating all right this next one is quarter romance i'm so bad at my job yeah let me do it i'll do it i know i can't speak anymore which is like the most important thing for an audio medium but um i can click the button welcome to core romance these are your love questions your relationship questions the questions of the heart now a few weeks ago with our good friend from radio free tote bag we did a full relationship questions episode if you enjoyed this one check it out but today's question is the donovan episode yep i should say because the title is on the title uh this question is how did you enjoy

your first uncut taste now you might think this is not about penises but guess what it is it is what else would it be about uncircumcised penises i'm trying to think of a food this could apply to a food an uncut food um so i guess if you i guess if you just ate this through the skin of like a coconut or something that could be an uncut taste um usually we try to answer the questions before we read the answers so i guess alex what how did your how did you enjoy your first uncut taste um i'd love to lie about this on camera but i i guess i just i haven't had one i haven't had one all the guys i've been sucking off outside the highway are fully circumcised christian men um yeah i think it's nice it's a meatier little meatier taste ah yeah it's got like a nutty

a nuttier it's like the difference between barbecue sauce and ketchup sure dude yeah it's It's like when people say, oh, like... Smoky. You know, you got to use spices and stuff. Oh, yeah. That's how the sweat really seeps into the penis. I know a white boy hasn't been cooking with his uncut penis because the spices are missing. That's right.

That's right. Thank you for backing me up on that. Anyway, what are the responses to this? You have to read this first one because I'm going to not make it through. You're going to masquerade. I got you. Read this first one. This is from Dana PBC, which is...

Bi-senior with E.D. Oh, interesting. Okay, I'm trying to think of what PBC could be. I don't know. I do not understand what is happening to you right now. I'm falling apart. I wouldn't be surprised if you, like, irrationally exploded all of a sudden.

I feel bad. It's very frustrating. Sudden combustion. I'm going to have to edit this episode. I don't know how it will be done but anyway I'll do it I'll do it Dana PBC who is a bi senior with ED

he says first was through a glory hole I gently pulled the foreskin back and watched the head emerge okay I'm not sure we can actually read all these but the point is that this person seems to really enjoy it you're not going to read this one

I thought that maybe it would be no it gets a lot worse than the first sentence so bad it gets uh it says a bunch of things that i feel like if i say will quickly turn into blind porn so um i guess all i'll say is that people they seem to love it the pre-cum there's no part of this that is okay to read okay i now get the pre-cum by holding this shaft and digging where the fuck are you reading where are you reading i was like what part of this is okay to breathe there was an aroma that was so exotic i felt like i was in a train

my lips opened and my tug looked it all off all right now we've pretty much read the whole thing 30 more thrill when sucking i love the man boiled it down to the numbers and we're looking at up to 30 folks i love to have a little business chart you gotta pop the banana open well i mean read this next one all right this is from kyle who studied at hot loads it's explicit on itunes i feel like we're clear there well he wasn't fully erect so i rolled it back like peeling a banana and very delicious and then a yummy emoji and that's what a degree in hot loads will get you is that kind of uh prose okay uh hank says i've never sucked an

uncut cock also he's a bs in psychology mathematics at the university of houston but i prefer the look feel of cut uncut turns me off i look i like looking tasting that lovely cockhead i said that right that's how it feels cut well you're missing up to 30 percent of the pleasure hank i think you should check it out uh why is there so much of photos of dogs with their heads being scratched i guess that's like the next thing people are clicking after this question all right well here's a erotic description of uncut taste and then a dog with a head scratcher but um i'm surprised nobody is clowning on this question and it's just like an active forum it's all just gay men being like well let me tell you it's good i didn't like it it wasn't

for me you know they say that uncut cock is kind of like the cilantro of genitals oh yeah acquired for some people it just tastes like soap yeah which is weird because it's a full human penis yeah uh well it seems like two-thirds of men enjoy it as far as we can tell oh yeah baby no women answering that question all right let's go on to uh quilosophy quilosophy is the same sound it's the same sorry it's just like a really overlapping subject down there all right what screams i'm low class okay i really liked this answer when we started the show we did a lot of list answers yeah we did rules for men i think is our second episode and this has around 20 things that are low class and they are quite all over the spectrum so this

was everybody in the comments and a lot of people are just saying offensive things they're just like uh we're in bling all the time and then other people are just like going to duke and that's kind of a posh character who's entered the chat um probably taking a huge shit in a bathroom and then not flushing it or fixing the problem in any way um so what screams i'm low class this is an answer from deanne robinson who is a design engineer and she says one not washing bathing every day or two with soap boom that's fair enough two not cleaning your teeth nothing says low class like green teeth don't think that's what happens i think if they are green that's pretty low class number three carrying a spit cup with you everywhere

this one's a bit more unusual than the first two i gotta say this one's a specific like chewing tobacco thing it's a chewing tobacco thing i was on a wrestling team in high school and we had a guy who was really into it and he would just spit into a cup all day and it was kind of an aesthetic like a tobacco thing or you just spit he would spit to lose the water weight oh well that guy's an idiot well it screams low class to me was he a low class guy uh he was a low weight class folks it's a comedy podcast ring the bell ring that damn bell sign up every thursday on patreon.com slash quarry anyway uh number four extremely strong scent this is a being low class Either body odor or perfumes, colognes.

So those are kind of opposite. I.e., if people can smell you before they see you, that's low class. I mean, yeah, they shouldn't. That's bad. By the time you smell me, it's already too late. Yeah, you could see them. Number five, never washing your clothes. Very similar to the other ones.

Number six, never washing your hair again. Number seven, not sleeping with sheets on the bed. Low class. Can't even afford sheets. number eight letting your dog bark incessantly and disturbing the neighbor's piece i feel like that's the dog being low class that dog is low class you need a classy dog you gotta act like you've been there before and by there i mean the backyard um number nine playing extremely loud music in public at all times a day or night most people like to go camping to hear the crickets

It's not death metal rap cranked all the way up. Oh, I hate when I go camping and people are blasting death metal rap. It's like I'm at a corn concert here in the woods. I do hate when people play loud music in public, I will admit. But I don't think I've ever gone camping and heard death metal rap. This has never been a problem for me, camping. You gotta say. Number 10, shooting at signs.

Say it louder. That's pretty low class of you to take a gun out and shoot at a snake. Yeah, yeah, don't do that. If you're a classy gentleman, simply marks his kale and ends the hunt. Right. Number 11 is bragging about how drunk or high you got last night. I think that's pretty cool. Yeah, I think that's normal and actually cool and based.

That's sick as hell. I'm so hungover. I love hearing about how fucking twisted you got. Me too. Number 12, destroying the hard work of someone else. via i'm sorry the hiccups are funny driving through someone's lawn or defacing art alex let me just say i fucking hope it is because if it's not it's gonna be a rough one i think i think you're dying i don't know what's happening i've always thought that hiccups was a disease that

only babies could get i understand it's not a disease yeah you got sids live on air i feel like someone needs to like burp me after this for the audio i'm cured for the other is i started hitting jeremy okay uh yeah don't don't draw don't drive on a lawn or i guess destroy fine art at the move once you're banksy and it's your art and you press the button that makes it uh cut in half yeah then that's actually higher art but number 13 is mocking someone else for striving to get out of poverty by getting good grades and speaking English with proper grammar. Boom. Don't do that.

This person just read J.D. Vance and was like, yeah, I got a list for you. I got around 20 things that are low class. The Hillbilly Elegy. It's a film.

Check out Hillbilly Elegy, sponsor of the show. They're shooting at signs because they're low class. And they're carrying around a spit cup. Alright, number 14 is yelling at someone waiting on you in any capacity. Sure. True. Actually. Yelling at someone waiting? Like a waiter, I think.

Like if you're rude to a waitstaff. Genuinely, I think that you're a piece of shit. You gotta treat waitstaff like you are also the waiter, and Jesus is the waiter, and that's why they have one set of footprints. And leave room for him when you hug. And leave room for him at the dance.

Number 15, belittling strangers publicly for perceived faults and imperfections. Corrections. Hey, green teeth. You know, if you said something like that instead of writing it on Quora where it's safe. Number 16, throwing trash on the ground. Instead of disposing of it properly.

Yeah, get a compost bin. Number 17, fighting in public, either arguing or physical altercations. Well, fucking... Jeremy, can you make it through number 21? Can you make it without a hiccup? I don't think I can. i need to get scared it's a play the maze game it's a tough medium to have the hiccups for i

gotta say there's very little you could do about it i think it's because i choked i laughed while swallowing seltzer it's happened to you like a hundred times oh it's not fair really falling apart i need to go to the doctor don't you want to hear these other low class i do oh my god it's having hiccups while recording a podcast doesn't say that that's the kind of industry talk Number 18 is abusing people or animals. Yeah. And it's low class to become a serial killer, Hannibal Lecter style, I believe. Number 21, wetting your bed.

Number 22, being left-handed. I don't know why. Oh, because it's serial killers? Yeah, I see. Whatever it is. That's a classy joke, Jeremy. Thank you. You're a well-read guy.

Pick up. Your teeth are spotless. number 19 never offering to pay for anything when you go out number 20 being unaware uncaring of people around you number 21 commenting how offended you are by someone else's opinion of what constitutes like low class like you don't like my list make your own boom i feel like that one was added on i feel like that one was added on because everyone yelled at you people are saying adding things to the list making everything political that's not political it's not political That's low class of fireworks from May until still going on.

That's pretty low class to shoot fireworks all the dang time. Good answer. Work hard towards your goal and dreams and you will make it exactly where you're supposed to be. Not true. That's low class to say that. I don't think this was the funniest one, but it was pretty interesting to have a speak. I liked it. Yeah, I liked it.

um she deanne robinson she's uh born in the middle east grew up in alaska graduated high school in indonesia now she lives in arizona mr worldwide over here yeah her spaces are possum cats unashamed cat addicts and anal lovers it's not anal lovers we made that up deanne robinson has never visited or contributed 22 times to anal love to slut whatever it was i believe the slut kittens something like that i don't think there was an animal aspect to it I think it was just like slut space. We're here to respect all walks of life here. Yeah, dude, if you love doing anal, go for it.

We're just two betas who run a podcast. Let's end on a funny one and call it a day. Okay, let's do his quorical teachings. Four score and seven quoras ago, we found some great political historical questions that shake the very foundations of the earth. What do we got this week? If Einstein was so smart, why did he die?

I don't know. Couldn't he have figured out a way to not die if he was so fucking smart? Has anyone figured out how to not die? Not Einstein. Yeah, way to die, Einstein. Yeah, good job getting... He didn't get hit by a car or anything, right? He just died.

Old age. He got fucked to death by a horse. Oh, God. It's one of the saddest things. If you go back and watch Mr. Hands, it is Einstein. It was him and what, Queen Catherine or whatever? Yeah. And the horse is going to town on him and he's going, oh, nine.

Same horse. He's not. Is he German, Einstein? I guess he is. Albert Einstein? I think he's Austrian. Oh, like there's a difference? Look how cool.

You're right. He's German. I'm totally wrong. Don't listen to me. I'm a piece of shit. Jeremy is a soy lib who is triggered and has hiccups. And it's a big episode for Alex fans. It really fucking is, though.

I've been promoted to alpha of the podcast after today. I'm only having daughters from here on out. I'm having all the sons. I'm taking shits at public toilets and not flushing them. Yeah, the water works, bro. He just doesn't want people to know. Yeah, talk about water works. You should have been there when Einstein was killed by that horse.

I want to see how he actually died. The way the science department was crying. I want his Wikipedia. I know we're not supposed to be on there, but I just want to see how he died. Go ahead and skip to the death section, I'm going to guess. Oh, here we go. Death. On April 17th, 1955, Einstein experienced internal breeding caused by having sex with a horse.

That's on the wiki. Wait, what? That's on the wiki. Einstein refused surgery. He said, my ass got split wide open. it is tasteless to prolong life artificially i've done my share it's time to go i really got fucked by that horse i came so hard damn dude that's crazy that's from the great man himself well you know he discovered relativity and relatively he got fucked by that horse i think

the issue is like sometimes people are so smart that they realize that you have to get fucked by a horse there's no pleasure like well you know within the human realm we hit him all this episode I had hiccups you talked about Nazis We did bestiality I mean we had to get it in there at the end Be sure to support the show when we're back in my living room And that's gonna be it for us this week No wait we have to write a question

Oh right We already know the question What was worse for New York City The Green Goblin or 9-11 type that up The Green Goblin or 9-11 It's official okay so we got it That's been Quarters for another week thanks for tuning in

we're here every Monday on crack.com the YouTube channel unless we are forced to leave in the meantime you can support the show going to patreon.com slash war raiders

we put out two episodes a week the other one we go on other websites we go on tiktok we go on reddit linkedin facebook it's kind of hard

to find those ones because there's not all bad shit insane like on quora but we do it anyway and we do it just for you baby we do it just for you honestly I think those episodes

come out really good I think they're beautiful and until next time don't tell anyone who left that huge poop in the toilet I have a sword Ka-ching!