Quorators - Is It A Criminal Offence For A Beautiful Young Woman To Give Away Beer?

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: How do I make my bladder weak so I pee without control? Are the Bible's promises for the future too good to be true? Do onions work as well as garlic for repelling vampires? --- Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@quorators Listen to Alex's audio drama series Theater of Delights https://soundcloud.com/theaterofdelights/sets/season-5-gran-nidorino  

I found it. Okay. Let's look for a sports track. Okay. Genre. Cinematic. We're going to find another sports track because my other one is no good. Mood.

Upbeat. We want funky or inspirational. I don't think we want funky. No. What do you want? Sports isn't funky. What's sports to you? Sports is a clean pass to the end zone.

Inspirational? Sports is you plus me plus the big game. Okay. Well, let's look at some of these. Sports is hamburger at the touchdown line. Highway 1. Let's see what that sounds like. We can use all these for free.

That's not it. Yeah. Welcome to Quartz. Welcome to Quartz. Here, that's icing and offside pass. These are terrible. We need something intense. Inspirational is the wrong move.

Maybe. All right, I changed my mind. Put Funky back in there. All right, let's check out Funky. Cinematic Funky. Welcome to Quartz. Welcome to Quartz. Catch the ball out of the park.

Night foul. Oh, we're playing baseball at night, I see. Welcome to Quartz. Yeah, you ready to get tackled? You slutty little... Yeah, little pumpkin You slutty little pumpkin You slutty little pumpkin

You ready to get your face carved in by squirts? Yeah, we got a 400 pound man named Mikey Da Hammer And he's gonna fall on you This one's called Caribbean Hide and Seek No sound yet so far, it's kind of a welcome to quartz ride the wave i don't know if any of these are as good as alex patak's van halen's jump it's wrong that van halen took the money from our video just because i used their

song and then claimed i wrote it and it was my song that's my 75 cents all right this segment is over now yeah i think you're right we've really overstayed our welcome all right i really should have set up a camera for the cat i didn't know he was gonna sit in the other chair either he thinks he's the guest he doesn't know he's off camera he thinks he's the guest of the show it's really sad the way that the cat thinks it's embarrassing for you dude welcome to the show it's quarators just the boys it's the boys it's it's jeremy and alex come into our clubhouse and close the door

we're bullying people online no girls allowed and also there's no girls allowed according to youtube stats we are bullying people online we were talking about this before i'm not trying to name names but a few people have been a little upset at the premise of the podcast which is that we bully people online yes and to those people i'd say we're pretty committed totally get where you're coming there's a bit of a sunk cost we're uh fully set sail to carcosa yeah is carcosa where the yellow king molests those kids because that is not what i meant to say i don't know what that Well, put in a better pirate island later. I'm Alex.

This is Jeremy. And with us, as always, is the Yellow King. Hey, welcome to the chat, Yellow King. What's going on? I don't know what that is. Every sun has a shadow. Every night has a cloak. That's great to hear, Yellow King.

You ever go on Quora, Yellow King? I mod for communities. questions that we ask it was my idea to be racist on there that's pretty cool you're like the jordan peterson i'm an og can a king be an original gangster write in write in at gmail.com or join the discord that's what we're calling it and that there's a link for that in the description too i love online communities interacting with them partaking in there you don't like it no i i don't i'm too busy being fucking real bro i'm out here paying respect on the streets that's so true dude yeah dude i'm i can't spend all my time online when i'm writing rhymes all day it's one or the

other and i'm not gonna give up my lifestyle of creating rips and rippity rhymes you can't give your attention to the haters which means in turn you also can't give your attention to the lovers due to attention uh deficit disorder i actually can't give my attention to anybody but that's okay because there's a website for people like me and that's called quora.com wow all right well it's a little place where you can ask questions and we're gonna spend some time there today just take a journey over there now what do we ask last it keeps showing us bridesmaids that stole the show i just i think it's because there's a picture of boobs well here's okay so we've been talking about this um in relation to youtube but i think it is pretty like technology that i all right we

already talked about that there's a big picture of a penis on quora for some reason and we haven't put in a question yet did you know the hole is called a penis oh here's another thing we should try to do too is try to like talk about things that upset people less than the bestiality segment that went on for an hour last week despite us not picking any questions once every how many days should one shower and there's a fucking zoomed in drawing of a penis all right save it to my computer no we can't do it i well i won't be able to find it for the episode we can't put it on youtube we can't put a penis on youtube all right so the yellow square in the video represents the penis we saw which is if we can't it's just not allowed oh anyway so what i wanted to say is that

when you're on the computer and the phone um these websites use technology that follows your eyes and sees what you look at and so every screen i am on all day has a picture of like a female athlete headlocking a guy in a bra or something and it's like i'm not clicking on these i think it's unfair they keep showing them to me i don't think that's literally true that they track your eyes but i Instagram does. I've seen there was like the Congress people were arguing with TikTok about this. And there were a bunch of like conservative congressmen were like, it's tracking my eyes, though, right? And TikTok's like, it's not.

And they're like, then why are they there? I'm sorry. Republicans are right again. Once more. I think it's just like all dead. Undefeated. Me included need to convince ourselves that that's what it is. I clicked on one video of a pole vaulter six months ago.

There's no way. Do you know how many sound effects of videos I clicked on last week and it's still showing me like the tickle fighting Olympics? I think what it is is that we just don't use the account. Like we don't watch videos that much. I'm watching. I watched a lot of airplane sound, helicopter sound, missile sound, gun sound all week.

And I'm not getting any suggestions for those. That's totally fair. I have a wife. Anyway, what is the question? this week jeremy my husbands won't play co-op video games together what can i do to get them to squad up now i am interested to see what direction the online community took with this because i think that the husband's part is going to set a lot of people off yeah i'm excited about the video game part of it has a lot of practical solutions let's see what they said we got a lot

of scrambled eggs questions that are very funny but okay but there's too many of them that you listen to many Quarrior's episodes, it's fine. But the few that are real are deranged. Casual reminder, if you must write an answer to one of our questions, please use the words scrambled eggs. Please, so that we know that you're one of us and we're not going,

look at this real life idiot. And then it's just one of you guys playing a little prank on us. We take care of our own once you're in this family. We don't Read your questions in a condescending manner. We go, ha-ha, fun question.

And then we go, look at this idiot. Good one. And if we read a question that we think is real and it's a troll, then we're the idiots. And that will never happen. I won't let that happen. Never happened before, and it's not going to happen now. The cat has fallen asleep in the guest chair, and there's no footage of it. I was going to say, also, when we're on the same camera, we're just both looking to the camera.

That's right. Neither of us is looking at you. Why would I look at you? I'd be looking. It's like stage acting. You always have to have your front to the audience. It's going to be a weird one to watch. And ask the audience if YouTube is following my eyes.

This is a video essay. All right, what's the answer to the question? This one guy says, you have to sell the concept to him and then sweeten up the deal with something that is irresistible to him. You could show him some games that you play and ask him to play one of these with you. If he wins, you provide a very special sexual treat that he loves most. He loses deliberately in the beginning until he is hooked,

and then you can deliberately lose to him to keep him playing. Keep changing the winning prize and make sure to give it to him. If you have ever played strip poker, you would know what I'm talking about. Happy game playing. This guy's like, treat your husband like a dog. I do like that, and it is practical advice for how to get my husbands to play with me, but the question was, how do I get my husbands to play co-op together? They're not going to squat up.

They're so competitive for my love. They're not going to be playing Warzone. They're too busy fantasizing about eating my yummy body like a snack. And they won't play Apex Legends together. They're not getting along. They're not flying on a zip line. And they're both gamers. And they're both, hey, fellas, we love the game.

They should be playing duos. Come on. Don't you want to be in the winner's circle? Rowdy Elf says, I would suggest having an open and honest conversation with both of them to understand their reasons for not wanting to play together. It's important to approach

this discussion without judgment or blame and try to find a compromise that works for everyone. That is a confrontation I would love to see. What an option it could be to find a game

that both of them are interested in, playing and making it a regular activity they can do together. It could also be helpful to set boundaries and establish boundaries

for the gaming sessions. This is such a weird fucking... Oh, no, okay. So this is a scrambled eggs one. This is a good answer, Rowdy Elf. I appreciate it. Good answer.

I was going to say, it would be... You're on our team. It would be such a weird way to be like, to not question the weirdness of this at all and just be like um no this is what you need to do to get your husbands to play together absolutely um i think this is all right so what's up i'm just i'm trying to think through the confrontation the um uh uh uh uh what's the what's the word

i'm looking for the john mulaney interruption the the intervention intervention you would have to The thing that we all associate now with John Mulaney. With John Mulaney, crack-addicted comedian. I'm on drugs! I can't stop nailing hooch into my tum-tum. But you needed to have an intervention where you get both of these fellows together, and you would need to essentially address, like it is a very serious concern, why won't you squad up?

Why will you boys not squad up? When are you going to put aside your toxic behaviors and get the freaking 30-30 from the generator. Yeah. You're dropping. You're dropping. Why aren't you dropping together? Until your behavior picks up, Michael,

David is the drop master. Mm-hmm. Is that how it works in Fortnite as well? No. In Fortnite, everybody drops on their own. Oh, weird. There's no drop master. There should be a drop master.

It's something called freedom of speech. Fortnite trusts you to make your own decisions. Yeah, it's a very responsible game for babies. Yeah, it rules. It's for babies. It's so good. You can dab in it. I dab in real life.

I don't need to do it in a game. Let's see it. It's coming back around. It's going to be cool to do that again. I missed it the first time, so I'm all hands on deck for the return. All right, let me read this next answer from Joseph. I'm trying not to dox people as much. Former retired realtor.

you love going to their house i love doxing people you love finding out the town they live in and finding their business card i'm very worried it's gonna come back to bite me one day it sir it never could it never could it's a bullet when people are like why are you making fun of these people on the internet and i'm like it's anonymous and then i'm like this man's name is this and he lives in this town i'm like all right well it's not really anonymous anymore is one day they're going to send a tiger oh we also you wanted me to get the John Mulaney saying Quora thing

I found it do you want me to play it yes please okay hold on it's in the discord do you mind if I you have so many discords I don't know how the application works hold on I unfortunately I need to cut it better so it has like one more second but we I have the clip and it's

get on these answer sites and people It was like, you're dying, brother. Yeah, I go to Quora, right? Or whatever that is. So you got Theo Vaughn saying Quora. Yeah. That's way less go-do. I mean, John Mulaney's in there.

Get on these answers. Yeah, he's talking to Theo Vaughn. You go to Quora? Yeah. I just like John Mulaney saying, you go to Quora? I guess we'll have to get Theo Vaughn on? We don't have to use it. We're going to use it, and we're going to make a right-wing turn.

I'm good friends with Theo Vaughn. I'm happy to ask him. Is he right-wing? I thought he was just, like, dumb. Yeah, well, there's a circle there. Sure, fair enough. Yeah, it's like a Joe Rogan adjacent thing. Yeah.

Yeah, but anyway, we'd love to have him on. Theo, if you're listening, we'd love to talk Quora with you. I would talk to Joe Rogan. I'd have him on here. Absolutely. I bet he would, like, find all these questions normal. I bet he'd absolutely fill out that guest chair with his sturdy bass. He's a thick man.

He's a thick, he's a stout little dwarf. And no offense to him, but he's like a chode. Yeah. how is that a no offense i've never heard a no offense before chode before no offense but he's like a veiny chode i think he's a uh thick but regular proportioned wang and i say that with reverence the only episode of this podcast i've ever listened to in my life is the one with uh bernie sanders on just because i was like i i would love to hear what these two men talk about i for a second thought i heard him talk to serge tankian once but i think that was mark

marin so yep we've both only heard the bernie sanders episode oh well we're uh soy and we're online and that's the reality of the situation we're cringe and pause oh no any other answers for this thing joseph says hey if you got two husbands or two men that love and care for you and all of you live together and you've accomplished enough believe me it's not easy but it's euphoric when it finally happens and you get three people who are in love and i'm talking about a deeper love than just sexual but sex is fantastic it feels so good to sleep my dick and my wife's pussy this is so nice for 75 percent of it she loves it too she actually craves it she loves to eat cum and digest it she loves it up her ass so her body can absorb it she'll even put a

butt plug into holds up there one sentence that is she actually puts it in her ass so her body You can't absorb it. To answer your question. I'm going to comment. Cool. Yeah, that's the correct answer to that. Wow. That's cool, man.

No two ways about it. That's cool. I love love and also all that other stuff you said. So this guy, his whole thing is he only responds to questions about husbands. I can't believe it. He only does husbands. He's part of the husband community like the rest of us. this is what we sound like oh yeah dude she loves singles think of us yeah whenever i'm

hanging out my single friends i'm like does your wife love to eat cum and they're like i'm single have you found a partner who craves it i feel like i'm open i'm carrying a crave case around my pants all the time oh man i just cannot believe how many questions this man has answered about husbands How many hamburgers are in a Crave Case? 30? Because that's pretty much like my balls. Man, we are really unhinged without a guess.

Let's get into the chorus. We are not putting on airs today. What segments do we have? So Jeremy made the playlist today. It's a playlist. Very exciting stuff coming up. We know you're going to love it. I don't know what it is, and I can't wait to find out.

I'm excited. This first one is... Oh, yes. This first Quora is from the police section five quo. Whoa. Holy shit. Do you want to play that one or not? We don't care.

No, I don't like that. Just kidding. Me too. This is not a car. This is part of the podcast. Do not be alarmed. No one knows about the drugs. Okay.

This one is from discord user crying to radio head. And it is, Is it a criminal offense for a beautiful young woman to give away beer? Ain't nothing wrong with that in my book. I don't know if you've seen my recommended YouTube videos, but that's actually something I'm very for. I promote that in any way possible just to ravish it. It's beauty giving away Bud Light. Just like skateboarding, it is not illegal.

There's a cardinal outside your window. It's very distracting because it's a beautiful bird. Do not look at it. This is just like podcasting with waffles. Yeah, well, you know who else is a beautiful bird? All these foxy ladies passing out. These foxy ladies giving out beer. Sips of sunshine on the streets.

I do think you need a license. Yes. To distribute beer. So this is the way that Cora took this question. I'm from a dry town. I don't know if I've mentioned this. The first, are you actually? Yes.

Oh. Up until 2009. Wow. Which means my friends used to drunk drive to other towns to get beer. Wow. Welcome to Massachusetts. Wow. Thank you for having me. It's great.

Can't wait to leave and move to New York. So Quora, the first answer was like, yeah, it's illegal to sell beer. Ha ha, just kidding. You're beautiful and I love you. And then the next ones were all just people doing Quora things where they're like, well, technically. So this person, Dennis, says it could be if the beautiful young woman works in a tavern where they sell all caps beer. Got your ass. And she is giving it away.

That is actually petty theft. cop i'm a beer cop i don't know this has ever been prosecuted but it has gotten people fired fired not just byw which i believe stands for beautiful women beautiful young women oh that's like like uh like a bww yeah for young bbw bbw yeah acronyms are so powerful but it's not just beautiful young women who get fired it's anyone who distributes without a license and that's why We say on Quarters every week, do not distribute beer without a license. Say no. Say no to sales.

To sales. To selling beer. Yeah. And just in general, I make very little money. Okay, what else is on here? In Muslim countries, it might be. God is ass. I just like people being like, is it illegal for a beautiful lady to give you a beer?

People are like, yes, in some countries, perhaps it is. In Saudi Arabia, they'll chop off your tits. Other than that, the fact that we can go through these answers and find somebody being pedantic about every word in the sentence is very powerful. Yeah, this guy says it depends on who she gives it to. A minor? Yes. Lock her up. Lock her up.

This is my favorite answer, which is just Vanessa Carter studied at Ashworth College. She says, no, I don't think so. If you're considering being beautiful in sales, get out there. You're done. And that's a night foul. they have the pickup on this slow as hell hey beautiful young lady when we have 30 minutes to intro our uh cop segment this is the song all right that's all five quell okay well that's good i learned something about um the law today

and I'll apply it as a citizen. Now, this next segment, I feel like it is not very popular with our guests. So I think we should tackle a lot of these on our own. And this is forbidden knowledge. It's strange you say that. Do you disagree? I feel like this is actually everyone's favorite segment

and not just mine. I think the listeners and the viewers probably like it. I like it. You like it. But I feel like whenever we go to guests and we're like, why is it that ghosts need to summon the Dark Lord? and then their guests are like,

I don't know what this is. The thing about guests is they think ghosts are sus and so they don't want to talk about them with us, but it's actually the only thing I want to talk about. And so the rest of the podcast, I'm just waiting to be like, is Bahamut real?

So I've assembled some of these forbidden knowledge questions and yeah, I don't know. I feel like we should tackle them on our own. Yeah, let's get it all out of the way. It is also my catch-all category as well because whenever there's a question that's very strange and it doesn't fit into the other ones,

I'm like, that's forbidden. I'm not supposed to know this. I don't know if this one really should be in there, but I found it. How do I make my bladder weak so I pee without control? A lot of layers to this. A lot of layers.

How do I make my bladder weak so I can pee without control? So I imagine that means you're just, at any moment, you just pee and you literally have no control over it. It's to reduce control to that of anarchy in the organ of the bladder. Now, the question is not why.

It is not our place to ask. The question is how. And so how would you do it? Now, so I actually know, much like any question on Quora, an anecdote that perfectly covers this, which is I had a friend growing up who would always hold in his pee as long as he could. And even when I was like 12 years old, I remember thinking, this is very strange that he's doing this. When I have to pee, I go to the bathroom. but uh my friend would hold his pee in as long as he could all of the time and then as an adult

wouldn't you know it he is constantly peeing himself in all kinds of situations wow uh he has once blacked out and i've had to change him that is uh intense and you know why he's peeing himself all the time it's because you stretch that thing out and it's getting all fucked up sure yeah i don't think that's your bladder though i think that's your um penile organ yeah It's like your muscle control or whatever. It's the meatus. Yeah. From that picture, we can't include.

His meatus has grown soft with overuse. That's so fucking weird. So this is... I should bleep out his name. I don't know why I said that. Oh, sure. Whatever. So this is a fetish, right?

Yeah, this is absolutely just horny posting, but I did want to answer the question because... Maybe there could be a medical reason. Yeah. Okay, I plan on going into a coma, and I'm tired of hoarding all my pee and maybe having it add up and I get an infection. Wouldn't it be better if it's so weak I'm pissing nonstop all day and just the orderlies go in there and they punch me in the gut

and there's a tube. Shoots into the tube and they take it away. Or maybe even like I've been kidnapped by terrorists who want to harvest my pee. it's not a fetish thing but i need to be able to pee without control for safety for safety i will die if not andy islamic state yes just naming a terrorist there's nothing about i first of all i think wahhabism rocks but uh yeah there's a lot of good reasons okay does anybody have any good do you have any answers okay every time you need to pee hold it until you physically can't

anymore also wetting yourself on purpose helps you get more comfortable with peeing in place reduce the meters and then the end of this comment is the most disturbing i found that helped huh implies that uh this person has succeeded what fetish is this is this just a peeing fetish because the thing about peeing is you can do it without this happening well this person wants to lose control yeah you want there's anarcho capitalists there's anarcho socialists there's anarcho-bladderists. Sure. So this is

a narco-bladderist thought. And in addition, what I find interesting about it, I think as like a sex thing, it's like, it's like

non-sexual squirting. It's like, what we're looking for? Just like, I couldn't help but piss. I can't, I cannot imagine.

Because I drank a whole Gatorade. This would be the fucking most annoying fetish to have. I would regret this fetish immediately.

It would not be fun. Dom my meatus. oh god uh but yeah i found that helped um any other don't check the time we got a lot of time we have a lot more talk ahead of us says that's their name uh i would not want this as a permanent condition but when i was younger i would sometimes just drink a whole lot of liquid and go on a long walk in the evening if i timed it right i would need to go so badly that i couldn't keep from peeing myself and then be relaxed enough to keep peeing smaller amounts on and off all the way home this is my worst fucking nightmare why would you do this i don't understand i don't know

all these people are responding like it's a sex thing we all know about every in a community of some kind oh this is just on this this is a man on the street comes up to you they say how do i reduce control of my bladder so that i be peeing all of the time there are like a 39 comment there's nine answers every one of them is just practical advice huh well i'm glad that we can all be serious for five seconds uh sitting on the toilet is unnatural and harmful to your core and pelvic floor i have heard that before i've heard that but like to the point where you should just pee all the time yeah that's so it's delaying the elimination of liquid for more than a few minutes after the initial urge is harmful and unnatural our amazing bodies are designed to give us a few

minutes before evacuation so we can wake up and go outside the cave. It's the courtesy until it's not. I'm thankful for my body. I'm thankful for its capacity. My amazing body. My amazing body. I have seen

a horse. Sick, dude. And the thing about horses and many other wild animals is they just be walking and shitting and stuff. They do be walking and shitting and stuff. That's the most natural thing. Return to being a horse.

Return to being a horse. Gallop to freedom. We must go back to grazing in the fields. Oh, I yearn. I yearn for the pasture. The most natural place for a human to be is a horse. If you get really into, like, funky Eastern medicine stuff, there's a whole thing about, you know, giving birth in a squat.

Oh, yeah, that's a thing. And how that's, like, more natural. It's the same as a poop. I read this book about the serial killer who was obsessed with this and would make all his victims poop the right way and then kill them. That rules. That's like Larry David, the serial killer. You're not doing it right.

That's really fucking funny. Yeah. Well, I hope these answers help this question. Before I kill you, I must fix your posture. You need a standing desk before I slit your throat and eat your hands. I do not like standing desks. I've never used one. I like to sit, even though it's the new smoking.

But guess what? I like to sit after I have sex. Me too. I like to sit too. Okay, what's our next question? Do onions work as well as garlic for repelling vampires? Oh. This is from Grayson D.

Why would they? I think the answer is just no, right? Nani? Nani? I'm reading this question. I'm going, nani? Nani, dude. There's 30 answers to this.

nani o shinderu vampires which do not exist by the way yeah by the way they're fake if you think vampires are real

you're a baby yeah sorry turn off this podcast are there people who think vampires are real is that like a real thing like I know people

think bigfoot's real definitely there are definitely people who think vampires are real because there are people who think all kinds of things

fair enough as a matter of fact we should probably look on quora to a committed vampire community that's true and do vampire of the week

maybe next episode we do vampire of the week vampire of the week look behind the curtain we're stacking episodes today and then we and the joke is not that we just pick like an old politician or something like yeah and the answer is strom thurmond boom you're not welcome on our show you're a vampire you dead bitch if he wanted to come on couriers strom we out you it's gonna be theo vaughn strom thurmond joe rogan that's our power for some reason my brain was going to

Louis C.K. Louis C.K. Great follow-up to Strom Thurmond. I mean, there was a time when he was canceled where... He was up there with Strom Thurmond. No, where he was just going on small podcasts. Where he was like, wow, maybe you can get canceled. We missed the boat there.

And then he did Madison Square Garden. Yeah, he's doing fine. He's not going to read Quora with us. No. Nor would I want to. And nor would we want to. Now, what's the question? Yeah, we're...

He's bad. Here's a question I won't ask. Will Louis C.K. do my podcast? Will Louis C.K. do my podcast? Strom Thurmond, though. Okay, anyway, someone says no, and also you need good garlic. Not this Western European thing that looks like a garlic. That's the best answer to that question.

Heavens, you guys have no idea what you miss. Only someone from South Europe and the Balkan may know what I'm talking about. Who thinks garlic supremacy is happening in here? I love the idea of being like fucking white people think they got spices. when they try to beat a vampire. Not that mayo-ass garlic you got at Quick Foods. Yeah, dude. You can't drop by a bloody Tesco's and get their garlic.

Vampires be like, oh, it's too spicy. Oh, my goodness. Well, that was a really accurate answer. Meanwhile. On the other hand, this is kind of the opposite gender thing. Whose job is part-time nihilist. It's been my experience that they do. I always keep a big bag of onions in the bottom drawer of my fridge.

It's disgusting. Well, I mean, they go on everything. And I have for the past 40 years or so a big bag of them now. I could use onions every day. I'm assuming he carves these and they're not like pre-packaged bag. Although that means you've got to go through them. The thing about onions is they do go bad. You think he's got like 10 onions in his fridge for 40 years?

If he's maintaining a big bag, I do think that. I do think that. Yeah, I know. I think that's weird. They're partially for self-defense. He cleans his onions every night like a survivalist cleans their rifle. You know what I mean? Yes.

That is true. He's a prepper. He's a prepper, but for food. Anyway, so he says he's had onions in his fridge for 40 years. Closest I've ever been to a vampire is when they occasionally show up on my television. Correlation isn't causation, though. Correlation is not causation. He admits that although he has had the onions in his fridge for 40 years and his experience is that he has not seen a vampire, he cannot say for certain that is the reason.

So this man has never run into a vampire, but to prepare for that has a big bag of onions, which is not the myth of the thing that stops him. He says he has also had garlic in the house, too, so it's hard to say which object is keeping the vampires away. I suspect that my blood is unsavory. Okay. All right. Well, I think they're having a bit of fun here, but also at the same time, it has not been your experience that they do because you've never run into a vampire, so you haven't been able to hold them off with onions.

Yeah. The myth isn't that garlic keeps vampires from entering your house. No, they hate it. It's that you can then repel them with the garlic, I believe. Yeah. They don't like it at all. Four plus. Don't even try.

Don't even try. Well, speaking as a vampire is the beginning of the sentence, and then it is locked behind the payroll. Everyone's like, you're not allowed to know what this vampire's answer. We won't let them have... What is that one? What was that one? It's the church bells thing for the religion segment.

Oh, I liked it. Yeah. Objection! Objection. We're not doing that. All right, well, these are boring. I don't care about that. These suck, and get some garlic, you lazy bums.

Okay, this one is not even really that comedic, but I feel like it's a question that we have a lot of thoughts on. Sure. This is from Discord user Sabot. Have you ever encountered a, quote, shapeshifter, parentheses, a person that shifted into an animal such as a snake, et cetera? How do you identify and respond to such things? Have I ever? Oh, so this is like a Skinwalker question.

Yes. I got real into Skinwalker TikTok when I joined. That was kind of my main appeal for TikTok. I don't even know if that's a big community. It is, and they treat it as a slur. They do not like it when you say it because when you say it, it invites a Skinwalker into your home. That's true. Sorry, I apologize.

But shapeshifters, please do not say it within my home. That's my word. As I am secretly a goat. Now, I, for many years, ran a Facebook page called Lizard People of New York that was about shapeshifting. I feel like we've absolutely talked about this. This must have been like the first thing we covered on the show. I don't know. Six months ago.

Well, anyway, people used to email me all the time and be like, hey, is it anti-Semitic of you to do this? And I'd be like, I don't know. I'm Jewish. They'd be like, cool. I'm going to do it then. I'm joining the Klan. One guy yelled at me, and then he was like, you know, you have a real tendency to do, like, anti-Semitic tropes on Twitter. And I was like, I'm Jewish.

And he was like, well, you shouldn't do it. Like, a rabbi told me that it's actually still extremely anti-Semitic to make loser people. Quick check. What was your childhood nickname? And then I said to him. Was it Capo? Anyway, so I said to him, I was like, are you Jewish? And then he blocked me.

And I just always think about it. Killing spree. Killing spree. We're on a different page now. The sound's on the other page. Anyway, wizard people, they're funny to make fun of. They're funny to make fun of. Okay, so the question is, have you encountered a shapeshifter?

How do you identify them? When I watch the TikTok videos of the skinwalkers- I've seen a lot of these. You can usually encounter them by their telltale ability to make a crazy sound. Yeah. And otherwise, they are just a video of a dog. It's always a video of a dog or a deer. Or the scary music that follows them is the other way to identify them.

Because otherwise, I would just look at it and think, oh, this is a video of a normal dog. I've only seen the ones that you've reposted. Yeah. And it's always like a guy being like, is that? It's like you hear the Ghostface AI voice being like, is this a shape walker? Yeah. Whatever. Skin walker.

And then they'll be like, it'll pan over. It's like a blurry night. And you hear like, ah. Ah. Ah. well that's not as how dogs usually make the thing um i can't wait to get fucking canceled for this it's gonna be so embarrassing skinwalker twitter's coming for my ass it's gonna be so fucking embarrassing okay so anyway that's how you find out the sounds this guy says uh i have

her eyes changed and she was aware i noticed the atmos the atmos and the room between us became intense that nothing was said for ages atmosphere that is not a slang people use certainly not what i use the atmos changed the atmos change there's too much carbon in the atmos i'm one of the young scientists i'm not like those old gray hairs i'm too much carb in the atmos oh no uh nothing was said for ages until i eventually just blurted out that i've been watching stuff about reptilians smart she asked me why i've told her this uh well your eyes just went black went men in black that's why then she proceeded to show me her webbed feet which she claimed had not been webbed a year before she went into recovery from drug addiction

she basically told me that she had been possessed slash infiltrated by reptilian and certain drugs such as heroin are frequency lowering and leave you vulnerable wait do reptiles possess you i thought you just were one yeah i don't know about that that's a whole new level of lore we gotta unlock that okay i'm glad i've never tried drugs as this was scary enough sober she's out there man large as life she's out there man large as life and more real than any fake virus you believe so this is an interesting anti-covid jab at the end there cove is not real but i did beat uh someone who did so much heroin she became a wizard person her residency was lower she was weak to lizard infiltration not like some dumb

sars virus everyone got nature is returning the reptilians are back um anyway yeah that's the one everyone everyone's answer to this is just yes yes yes indeed uh i was bitten by a shapeshifter when i was a teenager the reason i chose to include oh this is so fucking long all right pick a shorter one uh i had a protracted encounter with a human-sized part reptile part human creature i passed out following a large amount of narcotics i woke up really really thirsty why is that in all of these i think it's just if you do a lot of drugs you start hallucinating your residency is lower yeah that's what it is i'm sorry you're right clearly you weren't listening to the first

answer oh damn well that's gonna keep me away from hard drugs and uh that's safety first there think about the reptiles yes i have once but you will find that quora is not the best place to ask or find out about the question shape-shifting is very rare but exists to find out about it you need to go to poor countries what countries that don't have quora yet they only have facebook You have to go to poor countries? You have to just hang out on WhatsApp for a while and see what happens. Lizard people are a systemic issue that disproportionately affects the poor. Did you ever ask yourself why they're made lizard people?

By the structural powers around them? Yeah, anyway. There's a lot of, I don't know. I have never encountered a shapeshifter. Then shut the fuck up. Yeah, then get off this fucking Quora. I don't want to hear what you have to say. Marcus.

I have a good science background Prove it by meeting a lizard person Marcus Piece of shit Alright well that was really interesting I learned a lot about that one I like that we're doing all these I like it should we move on to

I know everyone thinks they suck But they're awesome actually Do we read any more of these encounters with lizard people They're all kind of the same Yeah they're all I did heroin and a lizard invaded my body We get it It's boring now.

The cat fell asleep. He's turned around the other way. He's not even facing where a camera would be. Yeah, what a jerk. Piece of shit. Waffles. You know what it is? It's just almost lunch.

I'm getting crabby. All right, let's read the next one. We got Corbett and Fruit. This is our religion segment. Oh, wait. Can't do anything right. I think it's the blue one. No!

Why am I so bad at everything? This is Corbettian Fruit, where you turn for answers in your darkest moments and ask religious questions on Quora. What do we got? Are the Bible's promises for the future too good to be true? I think the answer is yes. The answer is yes. This is a real Christian question. Well, I mean, I guess the answer is no, because it's 100% going to happen.

It's real, baby. I like this because it sounds like a commercial for heaven. Are these Bible answers too good to be true, Cole? No. I can't believe these Bible answers. Die now, but not by your own hand, and go to heaven. So what is the promise from the Bible? It's kind of like fill in the blank good stuff, right?

I mean, it depends on what you are, right? So if you're a Mormon, you've got a planet. Oh, I'm sick. I would love a planet. Oh, yeah. The thing is, I have a planet, and it's really like... No, no, you get your own planet. It's like the little prince.

wouldn't i be lonely on my own planet i don't know but do you get to visit other not with joseph smith in your heart i would have to ask we'll do a mormon segment one day um i i do have a lot of questions about this i was i feel like there's a lot of mormon posting our quora i just instinctually feel that i i have a friend who um if he's in new york he's a comedian and his name is tyler simpson it's very funny and he was telling me all about growing up in a uh very religious uh i don't know family and they had all of these weird beliefs about like what you i think i've talked about this specifically what you would get if you go to heaven and it's all objects and i'd love to have him on one day and just right nintendo yeah like for real two nintendo this

is like when i talked to my friend with divorced parents growing up he's like well i got a playstation and an xbox so it's kind of a wash um we'll have him on one day if he's in new york so bible promises you get playstation and the xbox yes uh for jews i feel like the bible promises nothing yeah just like when you die maybe there's an afterlife don't worry about it well it focuses on the how to live the part where you're alive which is i think very responsible i think that makes sense but also in judaism god is like kind of famously a dick like all right it's just like ignore him we got a good thing going you know what let's make rules about sharing and stuff the old testament is a lot of stuff where god is like all the stories are like once there was a man

and then god decided to kill everyone he knew and loved in the end and then in the christian version of it it's like god loves you and god loves me we're a happy family i hate that it's like that but that's how it is sorry but is this hack i don't know what you're talking about um here's what we're talking about the bible's promises are they too good to be true i i let's read the answers uh no if you had control of all riches in the world you would not share them with your closest friends okay so this is saying like it is it behooves god to share some of his sweet shit oh yeah he's got such cool stuff dude he's got so your own fucking xbox got so many drones you can see all kinds of lakes and stuff i have an uncle who i uh never saw smile in

his fucking life until he got a drone i'm happy that's great it was beautiful to think of all the time periods he would have lived in never smiling only to now be alive in that one special time where drones come out. He literally doesn't speak. He's like mute. And then when he got a drone, he was like, I can fly it over the houses

and here's the neighborhood and look at this guy's backyard and this is how the drone works. I see a rabbit. He was so excited. I'm so happy for him. That's great. Yeah.

And to think that the Bible promises that? Anyway, one guy says, no, God always gives you the truth. I see you're skipping the Bible quotes. Sorry, do you want me to read it? Revelation 21, 3, 4. Speak on it, King. With that, I heard a loud voice

from the throne say look the tent of god is with mankind and he will reside with them and they will be his people and god himself will be with them and he will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be any more the former things have passed away aren't you glad i made you read that yeah isn't that good we got that on the show I've been trying to work in Revelations quotes more into Quarators. They don't come up a lot. So we're back to trying to convert me to Catholicism.

Sounded pretty good, huh? There's a whole book of that stuff. And then there's an atheist being mean on the thread too where they're like is a fairy tale real? Shut up. Is Peter Pan real? What does the Bible say about fortune tellers and soothsayers

again? Oh my god. Well he's saying that to predict the future is actually not in the bible and so there's no promises there i'm not sure that's really true but uh the bible says the bible's like um it's like a compilation of rap skits they got everything in there sure it's like a it's like a sketch show yeah it's a lot of it contradicts each other live from heaven it's pretty much i've my interpretation of the bible as someone who had to read it at some point for school

is it's pretty much like the sketches on the Fuji's album The Score if there were millions of them instead of just two or three. That's cool. That part where they go to Burger King and Kung Fu fight a guy, that's a whole book. That's dope.

I don't know when I would need that explanation of someone who doesn't know what the Bible is but does know Fuji's sketches from The Score but that's what I think it would be like. Drop us an email if that worked for you. If that really clicked. Quarators at gmail.com.

Quarators at gmail.com. Join the Discord. It's in the bio. There's already a waffles emoji. Yeah. Unbelievable. If you're missing him in this video right now, you're going to love this great emoji.

Anyway. Let's do another question. Okay. We're freaking slamming through these things. Good God. Okay. Well, speaking of God, this is from Jade Driscoll.

Love the guy. what video games this is video game war game what video game what video game would you recommend God to play

interesting Minecraft he is the creator yes Minecraft oh okay there's a list here that's cool

this guy has a list oh this is Jade is this the listener who wrote this list yes this is oh so this is from a listener

do we want to read this um this is a secret I mean it's on Quora read it all right jade says animal crossing the villagers were mean and it was funny minecraft creative mode you already are god yeah angels have halos doom kill demons simpsons bowling arcade game raft dark souls sims 4 what was the logic for the simpsons bowling arcade game

getting the high score would be a fun challenge for him see the thing about god is you don't need to like show him experiences because he's god so he's like you know fought demons and stuff before but you just really want to give him smooth experience, you know? Like, he wants to play games where he's going to feel Mario's jump. Right. Like, you don't want to give him, like, Breath of the Wild because life is a sandbox to God. Yeah.

Life is a physics sim. You would find it rote. Yeah, I guess you would just want, like, smooth, controlled experiences. I think he'd probably really like, like, Counter-Strike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's really into the competitive angle. Well, he would always win. Yeah.

Unless he's choosing to lose for some deeper meaning we can't understand. And it's probably hard for us. He works in mysterious ways. It's hard for us to watch God lose so many games of Counter-Strike like that. No, no. It must be for a reason. All things are for a reason. I wish our team would do better.

Metroid, God is a wolf. God losing a game, just being like, ah, that was on purpose. I work in mysterious ways. That's all part of the plan. RM. RM now. Do you think Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost would be a good trios team? Yeah.

Or would they be playing solos? Well, that's the thing is they'd queue for trios, but there'd only be one in the drop ship. And isn't that the most beautiful thing ever? And when there was only one set of footprints, that is when I carried you as a team. As a team, and I got the high. I became kill leader.

Okay, any other answers on here, or it's just the listener? That's really interesting. So we're really encouraging people to use Quora. That's what this whole thing's about. I should say, I don't know that Jade did this, and it's very possible that they did or didn't, but don't send us Quora questions that you wrote. Oh. I don't know if there's any way for us to know. It's unknowable.

But? Much like the works of the Lord. Sorry, I don't know if I misgendered Jade, but Jade is she. I think I might have said he at first. Anyway, don't. Damn. The one time you don't read the bio. Anyway, the point is.

You can't really tell from a little circle like that. That's okay. Don't send us questions that you wrote if you did write one. Yeah. Anyway. That's the rules. I have one more Quora in our playlist. We might want to find another one.

Let's just do the last one. We'll see how much time we got. Okay. This is Quora Gone Wild. Okay. I didn't get rid of the cow sound. People are happy about it. People wrote in that they wanted us to keep the cow sound.

It's really nowhere near the tiger's performance. Okay. This is about animals. okay this is the animal segment okay why do humans need to wipe after they poop when animals can just squat and plop why do humans need to shower or they'll get rashes and smell awful but animals don't oh this is a riddle okay what poops twice in the morning three times at night uh why do humans need to wipe after they poop when animals can just squat and plop it's a good question my answer would probably be because uh animals don't care if they got poop on their butt

animals okay sometimes they don't care and sometimes they just have a like uh like cats dogs or cats at least self-clean it's true you get back there you lick their own assholes you have a powerful tongue that converts all that into energy so they do wipe yeah just with their tongue they just use their freaking face and then they lick you yeah and then you've got their poop and you love it you love everything about that oh it's so cute oh that's so sweet it must mean When I'm good, it doesn't mean you're good. It doesn't mean you're good. It doesn't mean he loves you.

Stop telling everyone your dog licks you or that a cat does. Why do humans need to shower? They'll get rashes and smell awful. Well, it's too bad that we answered this immediately, which is that the animals clean themselves. Yeah, and also I think the answer is that we just have shame. Oh, yeah. Animals do smell.

Animals don't turn and call each other little homie poop ass and stuff. names you would acquire if you didn't wipe yeah that's my i'm on a new non-wiping thing we have to return yeah return to being horses all right what's the answer here this guy thomas h labelle has a very long answer let's rap on it okay yo every living creature has an anus you're so desperate to rap just because i'm rapping all the time and it's like not everyone has to rap All right, all right. I'm just going to read it then. Every living creature.

Oh, should I play some audio library music? Yeah, sure. Let's play Critter Cruise. Okay, that's good. Every living creature has an anus. Ants, horse, eagles, and us. While most creatures' anuses do their jobs with little fuss, not so with human beings.

The design of our anus is Providence's little joke to keep us humble. Consider, for example, the horse. We live across from a horse breeding establishment, so I've had ample opportunity to observe these estimable animals in action. This guy's just watching horses take shits. While they shit copiously, they never get any on their hair. Nope. When was the last time you saw a horse's behind fouled by its own waist? The reason for this lies in the design of the horse's anus.

It is an extensible device. When was the last time you've seen a horse's behind fouled by its own waist? That's what I'm always saying. protrudes a few critical inches, allowing the manure to drop straight to the ground without mussing a single hair. To further fend fouling, there is no hair in the immediate vicinity

of the horse's anus, nor on the extensible process itself. What a remarkable design! Not so with us. Our small orifice is buried deep in a meaty cleft. We're around halfway through the answer. The margins of which have to be spread to their limit. If there is to be any chance, the thicket of long, nasty hair in the cleft will be not

fouled by the passing of stool. A vain exercise in 99 cases out of 100. Moreover, while the horse can defecate while standing, just let a human being try that. No, we must squat. But not only squat, we must go through all sorts of contortions to minimize the amount of feces that will cling to the surrounding parts, which we all know is another future The song ended and we are still reading the Quora. there's another paragraph

alright we're done we're done we're done though the answer is cause horses they fucking shit all the goddamn time and they rock

horses rock there's nothing else to know about it anyway what's an important website we're back to this part this guy is once again saying that

it's because of toilets oh yeah toilets have weakened return you gotta be squatting return to being horses there's a diagram this episode is called return to being horses return to being horses we must return do not say

nay to a horse lifestyle when the crocodile yawns the trotulus flies into his mouth and cleans his teeth oh yeah it's the birds that go in the crocodile's teeth thing that is pretty amazing that's cool people don't talk enough about that no they don't but we're here to say it yeah birds birds and crocodiles can be friends it's not like you've heard in mass media um yeah do you have one more quarrel we could sneak in here at the end i guess we do have time let's see let's see let's see let's see all right jeremy's going i want to find one that um do you want to do a poor romance sure i'm in the mood for love okay this is the final question it's for romance welcome to the shagadelic hey if you

have a question you want to go to loversbud.quora.com i wish i was bud yeah it's about relationships for fucking flowers this one's from ryan yates come on folks come on flower Please listen to our podcast. Tell your friends. I have to leave New York. I love my boyfriend, but he's a very low vibrational person and makes poor decisions most of the time. I don't want to be with him anymore. How should I tell him?

So how do you tell your boyfriend he's low vibrational? What does vibrational mean? You know, you vibrate. Low-key women love vibrating. it does seem like that kind of thing it's one of those things i don't want to say it's like a it's not a gendered thing for sure like definitely but also like men don't care for vibration as much because we like to keep things rock solid three habits of high vibrational people that make them successful high vibrational people are highly aware of themselves and

frequency at which they vibrate you're now reading medium but people so that's the same level as quora we haven't ascended anywhere yeah no that's not i just want to know what it means like in these people's world words you know what i mean well let's let's uh elaborate on this i think high vibration is just like what did i do what did you do what is this i did not mean to do that you just want to be a rapper so bad oh is another beat playing i guess one of us has to spit on it huh it's been 16 bars we better get started come on we're finding out vibrating sexually uh i think i think it's just vibes i think they literally mean vibrating do you i mean do you know what vibes is short for it's no is that true yes it's vibrations no what else would

it be i'm freaking out you just never thought about it no vibrations tell me riz is short for charisma that one i knew that one you knew and that's why you put it in to start your charisma rap yo my name is jeremy and i've got riz i got nothing oh no and he didn't even get a rhyme for riz i'm so scared to rap on camera this is my big shot without your mf doom mask you're nothing what if there's a producer watching there probably is there's a talent scout hey you're a producer are watching right here buddy um okay so uh his poor vibrations cause him to make poor decisions all the time i don't want to be with him anymore how should i tell him so i think this is a classic situation of dumping your uh skanky ass hoe ass boyfriend for being a piece of shit not getting

having good vibrations but in a nice way where you're like wow you make bad decisions because you're dumb and you're one of god's lower creatures um what's a nice way you could say that you suck bye bozo bye bye bozo goodbye idiot don't let the door hit you on the way out you fool what if you okay so instead of uh confronting him about his uh lower life maybe instead you trick him outside with the treat i think you should just start vibrating so fast and hard that it's visibly annoying to be with you and then and then you're always making that sound you're just like i got it you're too high vibration you know he's making like a humming noise when i'm a low vibration person you know when like uh old people get that sound that only

teens can hear it's essentially that but for your boyfriend who sucks oh man i those bum me out because i can't hear the sound sometime oh no yeah and then i think it's a joke and i'm like haha it's a silent video and then people hear the sound and i'm like this is genuinely disturbing i feel like i can hear it because i'm like so young in spirit and my vibrations are so keen but also i haven't tested in a while well what does the answer say on this tell him in a polite manner not over the phone or through text but face to face if possible if you can uh in a public setting not too overly crowded or noisy like a cafe or diner politely tell him you want to break up and remind him you still love and care for him regardless of you guys not being able to vibe at

the same level or grow together because sometimes we as people do grow apart or outgrow each other though and so never feel ashamed of that somewhere not too crowded not too sparse come and meet me in front of the high school i'd like to break up with you um good answer hey yes that's just how to break up with someone though it's not vibration based i think you should do the vibration thing you should be like a fucking hummingbird just vibrate so much that they can't handle it then you don't have to break up with them because they'll break up with you that's a sure fire way to end your relationship every time i would say tell him some kind of tiktok influencers outside and see if he goes outside and lock the door tell him tell him megan beer is on the front

lawn is that a real person yeah i found out about out about her yesterday her name's like roxanne beer i know her last name is madison beer her name is madison beer and i thought that was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life and then no one else did what is she what's how I don't know. She was doing a sponsorship for Bud Light, I believe. Oh, well, I mean, that just makes sense. It doesn't get better than that, folks. All right, let's ask LaQuara.

Yeah. Do you have any questions? Let's do something about horses. Horses? Oh, yeah, we have to. Okay. We have to, first of all. Okay, so our question about horses, why don't horses use a toilet?

Is there something like that? Something in that vein? Yeah. You know, kind of like reverse engineer the question. Why has nobody ever invented a toilet for horses? Yeah, that's a really good one. Why has nobody ever invented a toilet for horses? It allows some prose writing,

which is going to attract a lot of little fleas to our pile. And then in addition, it is also dumb as hell. All right, tag all the little spaces. That's going to be us for this week. Folks, it's another episode of Quarerators. Join the Discord. We have our first live show finally booked. Big deal coming up

August 5th New York City The tickets will be up eventually At Caveat Bar and Lounge You gotta be there It's where we got all the damn Quoras Jeremy's big raps debut live I'm gonna rap

I'm gonna do a rap about Quora He's finally spitting bars And then you all respect me Also a mandatory plug for my podcast Which came out this week Season 5 Listen to it featuring star of the show max ogle as the various pocket monsters uh the premise again

is what if the guy from gran torino instead had a nidorino and i essentially made a full tv show you can listen to and that is at theater of delights on the podcast app so go check that out listen to it anything for you this week um no listen to theater delights no it's theater of delights this week and that's it turn the discord and in the meantime stay curious uh question and everything.