Quorators - Is It Wrong To Murder?

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Is it possible to cast a black magic spell on celebrities with photos found on the internet? Is it worth getting my dog baptised? Do I know you? ----- Check out Alex's new kickstarter this holiday season kickstarter.com/theaterofdelights/theater-of-delights-season-6  Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

yeah that that's it though we're ready right yeah i'm ready if you're ready yeah i'm i'm i'm already you ready amped up great let me uh powder my nose if you know what i mean all right i can't perform without it that's how he has his zany energy yeah that's how i come up with all of my hot takes he's like robin williams that's how i know how to read the quoras right is robin williams a co-cat you're back on quaraders monday nights and by nights i mean morning and it's on crack.com home of the fact we're your hosts alex and jeremy i'm alex and i'm jeremy and every week we're back reading quora.com jeremy is there a better website for questions certainly not i've found i don't

think so either i agree there's no guest today so we can really let it all hang loose finally we can be ourselves for once i'm nervous i'm going to sweat through my suit yeah oh i don't know if people realize how sweaty we get in here what was it last week where we took our uh we we ended our shirts off no we got we took our shirts off and we started kissing the camera stopped we got up the chairs and we each had like huge sweat stains all over our shirts and chairs we left snail trail we were sliding off the stool with these snail trails yep things were getting hot and heavy in the matt mcmuscles episode but that's over now and winter has set in and oh baby winter is coming winter's gonna come welcome to the show welcome to quarators uh so uh we're gonna have a lot of

fun today and also there will be we won't be putting on airs the way we oh yeah we're not trying to impress anyone like matt mcmuscles anymore if you want to fight fart on mike go ahead and let it rip don't do that something that certainly will not really pick up but i'll know about don't do that and announce and that's how we'll know or if i just get mad at you it's happened jeremy is farting okay let's be clear you've farted on this podcast before i haven't I drink coffee every episode. Sometimes twice in a row. Because they just have them at Cracked.

And it boils through my organs. Now, we asked a great question last week. I cannot wait to follow up on it. Also, for listeners at home, you should know that Alex is in a suit today. And it is changing his energy. That's right. He's got kind of like businessman energy today. I learned to put the money first over the holiday break.

That's right. And now it's time to go to the bank. I'm worried Alec is going to leave the podcast because it's like he's become a businessman. He's going to look at our numbers and be like, I should be doing stocks. No, no, no. That's the sound I make when I look at our numbers. It's always just, oh, no. Oh, God.

Why did I think you could make money from this? Okay. All right. Okay. We've got a wonderful question. Fine. A beautiful question. What did we say?

What if Godzilla had a human girlfriend? What if? If I think she'd be so kawaii, wouldn't she just be the size of his little thumbnail? I would love to see the movie that's like, you know, there's like that genre of like girlfriends of celebrities movies like Priscilla and Godzilla's girlfriend. That's what I'm saying. I would want to see the Godzilla's girlfriend movie where she's just like, Godzilla, you're always working.

And he's just like. we do have the sound on here somewhere and i am not going to try to find it there's a goddamn landmine uh but uh the other one i was going to say is when they did the jfk's wife oh yeah i can't think of her name marilyn monroe no um here's my question for the podcast is you ever want a tiny girlfriend you put in your pocket just say like you can tell me my tie is wrong but i'm not gonna stop watching tv i'll put you in my pocket sure so for for for godzilla's aunt girlfriend yeah she's like an ant-sized lady right well an ant to a human right that's what i'm saying but it's not a girlfriend size two

we're saying the same thing i don't know why i'm getting pedantic yeah but um to him he does not have pockets so i suppose he could put her on a scale and that's because pants companies are just they're oppressing godzilla there's no stores for him to use why where's he gonna go they want godzilla to have a pocketbook there i'll say it all those scenes where he walks through tokyo kicking down the buildings he's just looking for a large and tall shop can't find one the entire dang town right that's right it makes a lizard mad now speaking of making mad how are our comments this week um jason ireland says king kong tried that he carried her to the top of the empire state buildings and planes attacked him until he fell down so the same

thing might happen with godzilla that's a good point jason ireland thank you jason ireland i like it it's like almost ireland but like you're too drunk to finish um now here's a good answer from robert gross okay robert says what if you had a brain hey blocked and reported and muted Don't upvote my enemies, Jeremy. This is a malicious trend I want to get in front of. Because I've been noticing it. I'm reporting it for hate speech. Hate speech and say, you shut up.

Yeah, send that. Tag Jordan Peterson in that. We'll be back on that. All right. This says he'll be single again the first time they tried sex. Folks. Now, there's a lot of ways around penetrative sex. and this is something I've been trying to get into on the show.

That's right. That's right. You could just blow fire on a girl. Ooh. Blow her with your atomic breath. You're good at it. Yeah, I've practiced a lot. That's true.

I'm not going to lie. Rob, you ever practice Godzilla voice? Not once in my life. He's shaking his head. Can you give us a Godzilla voice, Rob? Absolutely. He's not going to do it. He's not going to do the Godzilla voice.

And we do have specifically this exact sound effect. And I do not know where it went. I think I've talked about this on the podcast before, but many years ago I wrote a pilot script called Bear Squad that was about superheroes who turn into bears and kill criminals. And Alex played one of the bears when we did a live show. And I remember when you showed up, your wife, who I'd never met before at that moment, was like,

Alex is really excited. He's been doing bear noises all day. And you went, rawr. yeah well because i i like as an actor every challenge is to become the part right and that's right people will draw the line at uh well they call it acting bestiality but i do not draw that line and you can see if you're listening back home take a drink because we mentioned bestiality you can see that in our itunes reviews also you could go look up bear squad somewhere i think it's on that's enough that's enough i thought it might be godzilla

what if that's what he said when he is his back lit up and then he blew light into the sky it's just dead silence that's just one that's enough oh boy that tickles me okay uh a casual reminder if you must answer our quoras from the show please be sure to use the words scrambled eggs this allows us to know that you're just you're just one of the gang is a homie not one of these degenerates on quora.com who i have reported to the administration and they are banned and they're blocked um okay let's do uh quarter gone wild this is our animal segment oh my god is there a tiger in the room there isn't it's just another exciting segment god this question is it worth getting my dog baptized

now this one i feel like could have gone in the religious segment i see why you think that but i I think it's more of an animal question. Do we also have a religious segment today? Not this week. It would be funny if we had both back to back, but I put this one in a separate one. I put this one in animals for what it's worth. I made the call and I said, this is an animal question. It's not a religion question.

Jeremy, thank you for taking this work seriously. I really do. It took me many hours. I switched it back and forth. I consulted with my lawyer. Is it worth getting the dog baptized? I think yeah. I think so.

First of all, a baptism is just shy of a bath, which dogs do need. You should be cleaning your dog every week. You've got to throw them in. They don't like it. They think it's rough. Dog joke. Dog joke. But you should do it.

Any dog's listening. They're smelly little critters, and they're going to hell. So if you take the time to get blessed water and throw a dog deep into that pool surrounding him in the love of Christ, you can maybe get around the universal ban on other animals that aren't humans into heaven and get that dog up in there that's right get that dog up in there it's get that dog's dog how does dog heaven work dog heaven's like not real per se is it it's not like human heaven what which is like on the books i thought all dogs go to heaven this is the expression i too i'm working from and i think it might just be um some crooning uh lounge singers line oh yeah

some some dogs go to heaven yeah some bob dylan reed yeah it is a movie showing us the movie we know that i do i think it's like a t.s elliott thing or something yeah it was adapted um this is a great quora to for really uninteresting information i do think that the the real answer is that animals don't go to heaven but then the Pope told a little kid that his dog could go to heaven and then a lot of people were furious. Protestant Jeremy has

logged on. The Pope broke the covenant! That's Catholic. He broke it! Well, this is both sides of the aisle. I do genuinely... We're podcasting live from Belfast. Continue. I do love that people don't like the Pope. I think that as a non-Christian

it's fascinating to me that everyone's like, this man is the word of god and then he'll say stuff and people are like i don't agree with that not that one he's like actually bad at it yeah uh here's the thing is you don't get to say that about the pope because yeah no you can't he's literally he literally makes all the rules he could just say god told him to do that stuff there was something recently where the pope like fired a bishop and this guy on twitter was really mad about it and he was like oh so the pope can just get rid of whoever he wants now and people are like yeah he's the pope he's the pope he's the

word of god why don't you go ahead and join the protestant reformation exactly get your fucking theses out why don't you go ahead and take your theses and nail them to the church door or wall it's a door you're right i'm sorry what is a door but a wall that you opened we're on the same page we haven't seen each other in over a week i want the listener to know that that's important to know What do the readers of Quora.com have to say to Jay? Why can I not talk? Me neither, dude. I think it's like we went home for Thanksgiving and just my brain is done.

I know that if you pour enough liquor directly onto your brain. Is that what it is, you think? It continues to function perfectly for an unlimited amount of time. I think for me, my wife has been out of town for like five days and I haven't spoken to anyone. That's a lot of it, too. You know what I mean? I just haven't spoken to a human. i tried to get it going with my small talk with rob before we started but i was so late that i

was like yeah we gotta jump into it used to do the godzilla sound that was so fucked up i don't know what he thinks he's doing over there it's too good to do the godzilla sound we simply must continue uh jody gady says the purpose of baptism is for the one being baptized to make a public declaration that they've made jesus christ their lord and savior and are now following him your dog has not made this decision and cannot even understand that so no it's useless the animals were put on earth for man's benefit so just enjoy your doggy i'm rolling my eyes do go to heaven but i can't prove it these always go for one sentence after i'm sure they're done i like that my i feel like if i have a dog uh it can understand like you know rollover sit food time walk lord uh jesus

Christ is your Lord and Savior, and you're now following him. He died for you. Put your finger in his holes. Get off the couch. These normal commands. My husband is a dog, if that's what we're counting. Gee whiz.

Godzilla sound. Nope, not even close. I don't think it's on this page. There's the bong! That's enough. Yeah, that's why I hit that one, too, because it's green like Godzilla. Well, guess what? i was trying to say that's enough oh man um oh john markman says they baptize babies every day

are you saying babies can understand this we're looking at a quora beef they shoot horses don't they and jody getty's like you're blocked you're muted yeah you're i'm reporting you oh they they're jody's against the baby baptizing oh for real okay let's get into this and they're a missionary in asia they're fucking living silence can i just say that this is why this is in the animal segment yes now why is it wrong to baptize babies the bible is clear that we are to believe first then then baptize infant baptism is a man-made thing and is useless somebody else cannot make the decision for us we must make our own decision about following christ i like that it's man-made like the rest is like they just found the bible jody gady is getting actively drowned in the

shores of japan jody exactly exactly right now she's tied to a post the waves hit her for days her and liam neeson right now are getting killed oh god go see the movie silence if you want to get those references silence look for jeremy's cameo am i in silence no but wouldn't that be fun wouldn't that be cool to watch silence because i'm in it when does that movie come Jeremy plays a priest. Yeah, I'm one of the priests in Silence, a 2016 film. I guess I could have been in that. Yeah, sure.

I thought it was older for some reason. You got a good heart. Thank you. You play the Shogun. Yeah, I'm the Shogun. Welcome to Staff Picks. Welcome to Staff Picks. Okay, someone else says, Liv says,

I've never heard of or experienced this. What do you mean you've never heard of it? Shut up. The question isn't have you heard of it. The question is dog baptism. Am I doing it or not? I know a lot of Jewish people who I grew up with had a dog bark mitzvah for their dogs. Is that true?

Yeah. That's delightful. Yeah. I've never heard of this. When they turn 13. When they turn into a man? Yeah, they turn into a man. If their dog is 13, it's like legally dead.

That's the thing. It's not a human man. It's kind of a fun thing for a dog because it's like, you made it, buddy. Yeah. Enjoy your bark mitzvah. We're putting you in a chair and we're carrying it around. Oh, yeah. The dog's like, ah.

Kill me. I gotta be honest We didn't actually play a sound Rob just did that We still haven't found the button Rob just finally did it There's so much bass in his voice Sounds like a computer or something

Okay let's see That would be a sacrilege as the water needs to be holy. What? We know this. The water can be made holy and then we'll baptize the dog. The fuck is wrong with you?

Shut up, Louisa, you dumb nurse. Everyone is getting so picky to stop us from baptizing a dog. Kayla says, what the actual heck? I have no problem with Christianity, most likely due to the fact that I am Christian myself.

But seriously, dude? I have never heard anything more stupid. You want to submerge a poor dog in water for who knows how long and risk drowning the poor thing? Okay, I'm going to jump in here. You should not drown the dog. Also, again, you should be bathing your dog.

Your dog smells bad. It's not a risk of drowning to bathe the dog. You could just do it a little bit. Dogs like water. Just drop them in the water a little bit. Anyway, yeah. Animals are not religious, nor should you try to force them into your beliefs. Please consider putting your dog up for adoption so they can find a home with someone who isn't a psycho.

Oh, Spot, who's trying to steal my dog. Kayla, who wants to have my dog, thinks she can do what I do. Yeah. I think she can make the dog stop believing my beliefs. Guess what? I've indoctrinated him. Oh, baby. Kayla's thing is that they love snakes.

Ah, cool. It's fun. That's big money. Kayla might be a child. Anyway, moving on. Let's move on to the Quokker. Finally, okay. This actually segues perfectly into our next segment.

Hey, I'm sorry about that. That's fine. People like it when we fuck up. No, I am genuinely trying my best. Okay, so this question is basically the extension of what we were talking about just before. Is it wrong to murder? Huh. I'm glad we put this in the animal segment.

Just kidding. It's the quoker. The quoker, if you are new to the show, as you must know, is Incel and Manosphere-style questions. questions by people who um they're angry and they're on the internet yeah and is it wrong to murder well this is a basic uh ethical text isn't it yeah what do you think is it wrong to murder uh depends on your reason right i kind of think i think it's wrong you think it's wrong you're anti-murder i do not so you think it's okay so let's say there was a trolley and it was going to kill 10 billion people unless you shoot hitler in the face then it's the only way it'll stop and

also you have to say the n-word wait you know usually with the trolley you pull a lever you don't shoot anybody i know there was a recent thing going around where they're like what would you like what if there was a trolley that was going to kill 9 billion white people unless you say the n-word first of all engineering is so important and these trolleys should not be set up like this no they shouldn't i've been saying this for a long time don't build that they should just go on an empty track straight to your destination that's right that's my opinion not nine billion white people no i don't think there are that many hey i don't know i don't care how many white people are on this thing i don't think there should be any people on the track

um so i guess there can be exceptions if you're if you like really like have a good excuse um and it's related to like some kind of fun car or train or you're like john wick or if you're john wick and it just seems like you're good at it yeah john wick is funny because there's like there's no way whatever you're doing is worth killing 1 000 people john well in the john wick world everybody is an assassin that is pretty i liked when they established just so to get out in front of it all homeless people in new york are assassins yes and that was also bad for them but don't worry they deserve it to be fair they stole that specifically from a an old policy from mayor bloomberg he was the one who brought that out and that's why he killed all of them he does

receive an executive producer credit on the film um you know it would be fun to be the one non assassin in the john wick world where you're kind of just like yeah i'm an accountant oh yeah at the hotel and they're like no oh yeah no i just do like taxes at the hotel do they do they turn you away if you're not an assassin uh i don't know maybe they give you a shitty room they just like they put you in the closet yeah if you're not if you but you're not allowed to kill at the hotel right the continental which you think would be like of course we can let other people in here they already don't they don't kill people all the time that's like their whole thing it's so easy for them i'm just thinking i'm own a business in new york with like one million square feet of

space am i turning away customers because they've never shot a guy in the face with a gun the question is just can they pay which is the price for one room is one ancient coin uh yeah those coins go for a lot so you gotta get one of those coins that's like a fucking taxi medallion i don't think a lot of people can't afford those coins no they're expensive and if you are an assassin you're looking for a room you're paying like a million dollar coin just to like sleep for like a week or whatever man you can sell the coin yeah that's ridiculous it's like bitcoin change your mindset change your life okay what does this say uh yes it is wrong to take another person's life for any reason except if they are threatening yours if they're threatening yours you have the

right to protect yourself with any means necessary to stay alive and in one piece however taking away an innocent person's life hurts not only them but their family friends co-workers and perhaps even more depending on who they were those people will miss them and probably relied on them especially children that is cruel and unnecessary we do not want to become uncivilized or even go as far as to start the purge oh god forbid the purge starts increasing the chance that our species will survive is this in reaction to the purge is this a purge question this is this question is also five years old by the way yeah this is like the purge came out and they were like all right let's discuss now this answer this next answer is hidden behind quora plus uh-huh but the first sentence

all caps murder is by far the most wrong thing in the world i guess we'll never know why i wrote it in all caps letters for a reason because this world has turned for the worst it's ever been people don't seem to have morals and a conscience towards murder anymore they should understand and respect the law of human beings we're all born and should be happy to live able to live a happy life where we get old and die from a natural cause i used to own the most luxurious hotel in new york then things changed for me uh having said that i want you to picture who you love the most in life whether it's your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I assume that's aunts. Take a look at your girlfriend or boyfriend and your best friends and now ask yourself, what would you feel like if someone killed them? Everyone in the world should imagine this. This is really long term. What is your most valued person in the world that was murdered?

I'm sure you would want to feel vengeance in the worst way. Well, how do you think the person's family or friends might feel if you went to murder them? They say that whatever you do that is bad will come back to you. You don't even get the whole thing. It keeps going for a while.

I haven't seen that happen to anyone yet. But imagine if it did happen like that. You decided to kill someone and the three most valued people in your life were murdered shortly after. How would you feel? And then I can't read the rest. Well, with the first three paragraphs, I'm kind of split on it still. I don't really know. I just like all those people just being like, hmm, let's consider this.

If you murder someone, they will be dead. that's not good because the people who care about them will no longer know them the first one we read said that if you're innocent people will miss you but kind of implied if you were like are guilty that people will be like that guy was a real joik i no longer miss my brother that's right i because that thing he did i do think like people talk about like if aliens ever came to earth like if they read you know something like if we gave them like Quora, all of Quora, they would have such a fucked up view of society.

Everyone would seem so dumb. But how would they like it if they got some of our sticky weed first? Okay. But that's an alien doing that. And they're like, damn, dude, murder is considered wrong because it involves

the intentional killing of another human being without justification or legal excuse. Oh, you're reading oh wait what does that say jeremy is read i don't know if this was what does that say subtextual or what happened but jeremy unrelated to not fully reading this started reading from a post titled i am alien i really did not see that and this is somebody who's immediately commenting on the quora so this is an alien with access to quora someone from another world i am alien was that United States of America.

Active in one space. Outer space. Yeah, that's right. I'm glad that we're on the same page. Good God, we're on today. It's an alien we're talking about, people. Let's face outer. We're slamming it again.

I can't read anymore of these people just explaining why murder is bad. It's too much for me. I was kind of like 50-50 on it when we started, even though I took the devil's advocate here. But now I'm against it. Yeah, I'm an anti-murderer. They blocked me through the thing. It's just vengeance is so satisfying. It really is.

It's the ultimate pleasure. Okay, here's a good question. Okay. This is our, you know, we've been doing the Quoker for a while. We don't really do that many incel ones, but this is an incel question. This is actually, like, directly incel. It's not, like, about Naruto or something. Is an incel who has a reproductive organ that is 9 inches long and has a 7-inch circumference a significant waste of potential or undervalued?

first i gotta say seven inch circumference what does that even mean what is what is a sprite can start get the math up start clicking clicking math numbers on on my computer here hold on hold on hold on hold on is there a way to make the computer display a seven inch circumference what is that like coke can dimensions and guidelines okay so a coke can is 6.125 inches this is a guy with a penis that's like the width of your fists. It's just like a hammer they're keeping down there.

I can tell you, I already read the comments on this and it's just people being like, it's your heart that... I am not interested in that. I want to know about this freak's penis. This guy's got a huge dick. It's giant.

Circumference is... I mean, nine inches, that's like pretty long. That's long. That's long. Let's not be like... That's long, but it's not like seven inches wide.

which is insane the circumference is like the the circle right so it's like the number if you measured okay so we have a non-brand yeah who knows what this can is it could be anything but imagine that is full of blood and also twice as tall not yet this is like probably five inches circumference you would you would pass the fuck out every time you had an arousing thought you would fall on the ground and dash your brain to bits and now i'm seeing you drink it and it is very arousing to me yeah i know i wish it was uh this is the power of the phallus which i was drinking cum out of that it makes you wish you were drinking cum out of it jeremy that's very clever i want to say well to be fair the top comment does say sounds like he could really

hurt someone probably wouldn't treat a woman real well but i mean hurt someone like physically because, like, the guy's penis is so thick. I mean, we don't know that he would treat a woman badly. We have none of that information. We just know that he's undervalued potentially. See that tube over there? Uh-huh. That's, like, the size of the dick.

All right, we can't be referencing a tube that is not on the camera. It simply is not helpful. It's just big. If you're listening at home, there's a big tube. Just off screen. That's a big one, man. Oh, man. Yeah, but I don't think that's not, like, you're not really a waste of potential or anything, right?

Because it doesn't make you more fertile to have, like, a bazooka penis. No, there's no potential. If anything, you should just be, like, studied in a lab. All right, wait, here's a number. The top circumference of a thick doozy is a 9.43. Well, that doesn't help me. I don't know what a thick doozy is. What's a thick doozy, man?

I don't know. You just made this even more complicated. Now I'm all confused. Oh, my God, that scared the shit out of me. Jeremy got scared of the light The paper fell off the light Oh no We're fixing that

We're doing the technical difficulties song Um Yeah We're gonna give that a second Thick doozy Thank you Rob We can't be reading about thick doozies There's too many topic changes in a row

I don't even know if that's how you pronounce thick doozy I don't think it is It's D-U-O-Z-I-E Is it a do-o-ze? Do-o-ze Or is it dozy? Anyway, back to reading these Quora comments. Joy says, nobody cares about penis size.

Actually, that's not true. Most gay men seem to care, but the vast majority of women don't. I think you would care. Sudden bash at gay men for no reason. I think you would care if having sex was like getting fisted every time. Right. I do think you would care. I'm sorry.

You should get penis reduction surgery. Do they do that? Probably not, but they should for this guy. It's a rare situation, that's for sure. I guess you would just need someone who is specifically looking for that experience. But a waste of potential, I say no. No. But I still think that you can find love in this world, although you should get your penis reduced because it's hurting your back.

It's too big. It's hurting your hips. I think you're still beautiful. Okay, let's go to the police segment. Yes. This is not a real police segment. This is just part of the show. You are very likely not being pulled over, although we cannot say for sure because we do not know your wife.

And if you're listening on YouTube, don't play YouTube while you're driving. You're going to crash. Come on. This is on yourrights.quora.com. This is a rights question. Finally. Why is my neighbor followed by drones? Every time he comes home, multiple drones are following him and they hover above his house all night.

What law enforcement agency has the resource to do this for months? And why would they do this for so long? So this kind of feels like an X-Men kind of branch. Those are his pets. I think those are his little pets. My birds. Yeah, exactly. I think this guy is flying his own drones over his head.

I think so, too. Yeah, this is just his personal drone fleet. I have an uncle who I feel like I've never had more than one sentence conversation with in the last 10 years. Except for the one time he took out his drone. And then he was talking to a scientist. Instant conversation starter. Yes, he was so excited to talk about his drone. He flew it all over the place.

The guy loved drones. Guys love drones. Fellas love cool drones. They're little planes. I really do think most guys, you put a drone in their hand, they're getting excited. They're Pokemon for men. We're talking drones. If you could have like seven drones outside your house all the time, you'd do it.

I'd do it today. I'd do it tomorrow. I'd have people writing up on Quora what is going on with this man's precious birds, as he calls them. Now, the answers on this are pretty good. Okay, I'll read them then. Aaron, who lives in New Jersey, says, Research gang stalking. Why doesn't he take them down?

So, what I know about gang stalking... Yeah, please, I don't really know what it is. ...has not covered a fleet of drones before. I feel like I see gang stalking a lot referenced online. I don't think I know what it is outside of just what I assume. Is it different than, like, swatting? Is it? I don't... Should we look it up? It's like when you get an internet gang and they stalk.

Okay. Jeremy is on National Institute of Health. Oh, my God. Fucking Wikipedia. I was on Wikipedia who wants money. Give us your money. Just because we're running a show. Don't give your money to Wikipedia.

Sign up for the Quarator's Patreon. All of the money Wikipedia has should be sent to the Quarator's Corporation. It's just like, I guess it's like people who believe they're being harassed by a large group of people. Okay. But is it, like, a thing that's, like, real? Has it ever happened before? I mean, gang stalking has happened, but I have never seen it. I've never seen, like, oh, a bunch of drones.

That person's probably getting gang stalked. It seems like a thing where people, like, wrongly assume they're being gang stalked because they're, like, delusional, but I don't know. It was, like, the word that popped up in Internet Lexicon after gaslighting. Okay, fair enough. That's kind of funny. My girlfriend is gang stalking me. She's gang stalking me.

her and 40 of her friends are trying to kill me because i won't do the dishes it's because i'm always using the tv all the time um uh monica says he might be an alien and it's the air force following him plausible option good answer thank you monica check how many spaces he's in if it's one that might be outer space that might be outer space um ned harrison who's a retired military cop Well, it's gone now. I can't see it. What did he say? He said, they wouldn't.

Your statement is a lie unless you were surveilling your neighbor with multiple drones. No, then don't expect us to believe that you're aware of how constant this supposed surveillance is. Retired military cop, active Quora cop. It's Quora 5-0. Personal assistant says, call enough people a liar having not ever investigated their story, and you will eventually be the one that is incorrect or the liar. Not saying that I believe. I'm just saying that I would be ignorant to form an opinion before investigating or asking more questions.

They would just have a hard time communicating like you do. And Ned Harrison says, I don't call people liars. I just point out lies. Can you believe this officer-involved accident occurring in front of us? This will end in blood. There's been an officer-involved owning online. We're on Ned Harrison's profile now. Pure ownage.

Yeah, I keep getting older. It's getting annoying. It is getting annoying to get so old. him. I like his picture. That's time wasn't true. He does, if you're listening at home, look like Santa. He does look like Santa. We're talking about a policeman who looks like Santa. Could you put that picture in the video for us?

Father Christmas of, or Father Crime Miss. I guess is what I'm saying. He's like, I want to see if he has any questions. He's got his own space, Ned Harrison's posts. What's the point of that? Wait, how does, how

do chorus spaces work? We really gotta figure this out at some point. It's just, you just make a space why would you make one uh well no one he hasn't really used this one but it seems like he thought he was like a quora influencer is the idea so you can use quora like a twitter so that you just like put all your stuff in one place i think it's for like if you've convinced yourself you have fans okay we should start one absolutely we should um and we can put all our questions there yeah because we have fans and then it will make it easier for people to get mad at us and go to all of our questions and then say i don't think you're really a teenage girl or

whatever we've said that week all of his questions are like deranged though like he has a question that two years ago do i know you did you serve on the uss america back in the 80s this could be like a is this like a intercepted email this is just an open question do i know you hey you look familiar all of core.com this is actually like one of the best core questions we ever read do i know you remember it looks like santa i'm gonna answer yes santa you're gonna get us blocked by and you still have us a ceo of gilf of the week he's gonna think we're trying to hit on him because he's a sexy gilf no i'm gonna say uh on the uss america i would say we're an admiral on the uss america for this is admiral uh start year 1980

right we're getting end year 1989 is murdered in the next week look into this guy this is who did it and if i am murdered it's not jeremy's fault that he did all this under my name and former on the uss america admiral 1980 1989 yes okay great i love that question would you like to read any more oh here's another one dog quora just unmerged these those bravery questions why did you re-merge them okay this one's mostly for doug if you're not doug you can skip past this part this is not interesting to you but we've got to hear that his first question ever on from six years ago on quora can you reverse this this is so strange to me wait wait wait there's a there's one in the middle of all

these like should i is this the one email me back that's like can a dog get bacterial pneumonia from people he also has it's like can you reverse this dog hello please answer my calls do i know you and then what that's how many girls actually still have an intact hymen when they lose their virginity Oh, my God. Ned. Ned, you don't. There's no good reason for you to be looking into this. I don't know what it is.

Oh, I love this guy. I don't know if your granddaughter is up to something. Do I know you? Do I know you? Were you in the Navy in 1984? I know it's not one of our questions, but I almost want the title of this episode to just be, do I know you? That's good. People are going to click on that.

People love it. People do love that. And they're going to answer in the comments like, no, I don't. How could I possibly know you? Cracked has fallen off. Old Cracked would never say they know me. Let's do another question. Please.

What's the most inappropriate thing you've done or seen? Okay. Now, as I recall, this one has really fucked up answers, and that's going to be where the fun is. The most inappropriate thing I've done or seen? It's got to be a scene. I've definitely seen a lot more inappropriate things than I've done. Yeah?

Yeah, like, first of all, using the internet is cheating right away. Oh, well, sure. I've seen all sorts of horrors that no one should ever see. I've seen things in the last month I wish I could unsee for the rest of my life. That's right. Nothing I've done has gone up to, like, someone dying on camera. No, and I've seen a lot of it. A lot of it.

But, yeah, I've never been at a lemon party. No? It's just not even close. Really? No? I know, and I've been in New York over 10 years. Well, someone's not doing well in the comedy scene. I've not even been invited.

No one's tried to stretch me out with their whole hand. Dude, I get goat-seed like crazy. That's awesome. I'm constantly being goat-seed. Well, let's read what's going on in Quora. Okay, Anonymous says, I punctured my best friend's condom. Three exclamation points following this, so you know it's fun. Oh, this is a long one.

Let's go. All right, he was getting married to a girl no one approved. We at the girl is freaking gold digger. All of his family and all of his friends tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. No, tried hard to talk some sense into him, but he was kind of hypnotized by that bitch. He is rich, and she obviously, after his money, she told us that and threatened us. This is already so unhinged, I cannot believe you added Humpty Dumpty back together again. That really threw me.

We knew we had to do something to teach her a lesson. My friend wanted to have children as soon as possible. He was 30 plus, and she expressly refused. Maybe because she was 24, or she was just there for the enjoyment of life, whatever that may be. Well, not anymore, pal. In his marriage, we decided to give him a gift. Now, we did give gifts in the marriage ceremony, but this was something personal. You should all be arrested.

Jesus Christ. Yes, you guessed it right. We gave him a lifetime supply of condoms. I was in charge of getting those, and one brilliant evil dark idea popped in my head once they were in my possession. I carefully opened the boxes, got my hands on a surgical needle, and punctured every single one of them. And it happened. Fortunately, or unfortunately for her, she wasn't on the pill. Obviously, I didn't know that until he called to tell us the news.

Just after three months, she was pregnant. She was so mad, and he was shocked to see her like this. Boy, was she mad. This is illegal, right? Yeah, that is definitely illegal. That's assault of some kind. Assaults through friend gifting. The part where it's a bunch of friends chipping in together for a ton of condoms is so weird to me.

It's so strange. To be fair, this didn't happen. No, it did. This evil man is punching holes in condoms. His love of life was cursing him, blaming everything on him, and wanted an abortion and divorce. She did get what she wanted. Yes, my friend was in terrible shape, but it was needed to be done. After everything happened, I confessed about everything, and he was kind of happy about it.

then he did get married to the right person this time she is sweet and loving and well they are two parents they're parents of two lovely kids now what happened to the gold digger you might ask i did run into her after seven months in a mall she was happy smiling and was with another man she looked at me i grinned and started saying sorry and thanks to me that man moved forward and shook my hand said he was sorry for her behavior and passed and was thankful to me he said that due to my feet i kind of triggered her senses and got her back in humans on further conversation this does this seems more fake as it keeps going a further conversation i got to know that the man now she was with was her friend who she friend zoned and ignored due to my rich friend

he helped her get an abortion took care of her and in that process she fell in love with him they invited me to their wedding next year but it got delayed due to covid i also said sorry to her and doing things so extreme was out of line she hugged me said it was okay and was much needed shock i left them and continued my journey of evil right doings straight from hell hades so which parts of this do you think happened uh i think that this man has a friend with a girlfriend he dislikes oh okay that that that part does seem real um if you did poke holes and all the i mean i would have to believe buy believe that you're matched buying condoms yeah that's the first part that starts and it's already like a huge jump and then for her to like find out later and then be

like thank you thank you for doing that to me also i know it was you yeah thanks for um accidentally getting me pregnant and making me have an abortion that ended my marriage you heard i didn't want to i needed to be humans yeah there's a bunch of answers though we should read another another deprived tale i was in fourth grade i was very aware of the touches good and bad thingy i had to go to school in a private vehicle since my school was quite far there was this driver who usually touches girls i don't even used to this is getting weird um okay so this is basically she um or they yell at a school bus driver who's a pedophile let's move on okay that doesn't sound that bad fair enough oh it sounds like they were dude they were the bad one the driver is the

driver it's what they witness the doctor is a woman about 30 years ago i was with some guys from work at a co-worker's house just hanging around having a few beers we were all gathered around the bed of his truck shooting the breeze when one of the guys asked to use the restroom host told him to go through the front door turn right into the first door on the left co-worker goes into the house a few minutes later comes out except now he's acting all weird and gets my attention when no one was looking he leans over and tells me to go to the bathroom i ask why but he just says do it after him tapping my foot to get me to look at uh look at him his and his silent nods towards the house,

I finally asked to use the restroom. I walk inside, nice house, nothing out of the ordinary, turn down the hall and walk towards the first door on the left, which took me past the doorway on the right first. I really feel like I'm part of this. The door was wide open and I saw it was a bedroom. I only glanced in as I went by, but something seemed off. That's when I heard a female voice say,

Hi. I stopped, took a step back, and looked inside. There on the bed was my host's wife. She was completely naked. Her wrists were handcuffed through a slat on the headboard. Her legs were spread wide open and drawn back, held in place by leather cuffs attached to the headboard post leaving nothing to the imagination i didn't register it didn't register right away what i was seeing but then i said hi again

and it was instantly awkward especially when she told me i was free to do whatever i wanted i wanted to her oh sorry free to do whatever i wanted to her i i thanked her and went out uh back out front where i kept getting funny looks from my host turns out they're into swinging all that bdsm stuff and free use of the wife this was long before it was the hot wife cuckold thing became so popular so it was a really strange experience so what i like about this this also did not happen um i like that it didn't happen but it also does not belong as a response to the question what is the most inappropriate thing you've done or seen i guess it's the most inappropriate thing you've seen again we our first thoughts were war that's the worst thing i've seen

constant war or hot wifing one or the other it's a tie probably people just disrespecting monogamy a nude woman that's a naked lady i saw this picture and i love it isn't her body perfect the legs and tummy okay um and most importantly that was very distracting the legs and the tummy and most importantly breasts and most importantly breasts back to the hot wife in question When you go up to someone and you're like, hey, do you need to use the bathroom? That does not prepare them to go fuck your wife. That's like a whole other mindset.

You should be like, by the way, you're going to have to get your blood pumping to use my toilet. It's really difficult. You made a hurdle here tonight. You're going to have to plunge it because it doesn't flush. I thought he was just talking about a broken toilet. Well, that's nasty. Yeah, that was really gross. What's the most inappropriate thing I've seen?

My friend's hot wife. Or this lady who's upside down on the swings. I don't want to look at that again. Well, that was a wild ride. Thank you for sending that to us. Let's move on to forbidden knowledge. Let's move on and never address this again. You want to slam that forbidden knowledge?

That's my job, isn't it? All right, here we go. Yeah, there it is. The unknown. So this is a sequel to our episode with Carly. And the question is, why does my grandmother call her drink grink in a baby voice? Huh. Now, we were yelled at last time we used this because we were told it is a slur for white people.

That's true. And do you think the grandma knows that? I hope so. Do you think she knows that? Yeah. I think she's like, it's my grink. Not my crink ass having a tea. L-M-A-O.

I got to crink it. People are going to catch on to our trick, which is just old people doing modern slang. I've got to crink it. It's our only joke. I've got to crink it. Bring me my crink. I think the answer's got to be because your grandma's nasty. what the hell she's probably grunk that is a funny answer on quora you don't get those all the time

yeah people are just like your grandmother is probably drunk when she talks like that she's drunk she's had too many drinks perhaps for the same reason mine used to say i'd like a bottle of gear for the comedy effect then to wind people up what what does that mean uh instead of i'd like a bottle of beer i'd like a bottle of gear oh you know how like i'm amazed you got that You know how most people are horribly unfunny? Tony Howe's grandmother is one of them. A bottle of gear? Okay, so it would be normal to say I'd like a bottle of beer.

Okay. Now imagine the B was a G. I'm not following. I'd like a bottle of gear. Pass me my drink. My white ass drink, please. I had enough mayo. oh, it's time for some clink.

Somebody says dementia spelled wrong. Yeah, I like that. I like this answer. I have no idea. Thank you, Karen. Same. That's my favorite answer on any question. I don't know.

Huh, weird. Interesting. She's got one question. Why is Quora restricted a question? Like, are Christians allowed to crush? It seems like a good, clear question to me. Now, crush, she probably means romantically, but wouldn't it be funny if she meant to destroy? To destroy.

Can Christians pulverize? We're the Crusades, bad. How do you feel about drawing and quartering as a Christian? Okay, that's enough of that Grink question, I think. That's enough of the Grink, although we did appreciate going back there. That's enough. That one. That's enough.

We nailed it. We're right back. Here's another question, and I've had this question for a long time. Is it possible to cast a black magic spell on celebrities with photos found on the internet? Oh, if it were that easy. What does this mean? A black magic spell on celebrities with photos. So every celebrity has photos on the internet, right?

Is there a celebrity that doesn't have a photo on the internet? Jeremy, I've looked into this. All celebrities have photos on the internet. I don't think that is possible. if you didn't have a photo on the internet you wouldn't be a celebrity because i wouldn't know who you are if alex knows who you are you're a celebrity you're a celebrity and you were probably popular 20 years ago this is a very long answer oh this guy's qualifications that he knows english we probably don't need to read that whole thing then but uh your question black magic is a term

that refers to the use of supernatural or occult forces you're like pretty much double spacing the answer to fill it out this is like fucking high school essay shit where they're like huh interesting dictionary.com defines black magic as a supernatural or occult force some examples include to kill a mockingbird black magic often utilizes the racism of the south what is the mockingbird from to kill a mockingbird if not the racism that we all deal with in our lives we go up to cole there cole's got a good one he says obviously not where do you see cole oh there There you go. Some ignorant fake gurus are spreading this nonsense.

There are no spells or black magic. These are beliefs for uneducated people. Cole, tell them. Cole, you've been lied to about magic spells. Spells exist. Spells aren't real. Look into it, Cole. We cover this exclusively behind the paywall.

We did a whole episode behind the paywall about how spells are real. And also Jesus' hidden mysteries. We read basically the Bible for 45 minutes. People loved it. If you want to listen to that, you can pay us $5. the greatest book ever written read another book what if that's what people do i won't when people read like harry potter people are like find a second book and their their second book is just the bible it's the motherfucking bible boom oldest book ever made king james bitch she's got the

oldest book i know that um okay people are just saying that uh you could do black magic i don't know yes a photograph is more than sufficient for black magic would advise you to consult guru g 0 9 6 6 2 6 0 8 9 1 5 make sure to write these numbers down as they are important it's important to remember that use attempting to use black magic or spells to manipulate or control another person's feeling or behaviors is not healthy no ethical approach to addressing relationship issues and it may be gaslighting are you love bombing this was maybe we should cut it's a form of gang stalking someone went to high school with uh became a successful actor i was telling you about this was accused of horrifying rape of by three women and in the article it also was like

and he was love bombing and um my mom read it to our family and my sister and i just kept being like that's not important that part doesn't matter and i was like but the article said love bombing can lead to gaslighting it can and we're like bob you gotta read the rest of the It's a canary in a coal mine for gaslighting. This man is a villain who may go to prison, not for love bombing. What are you in for? I said I love you too much in a text. Also, I was dating a child.

Anyway, let's move on, I guess, on that note. Oh, yeah, we got to do one more. Let's do CoreMD. Let's get medical. Let's get medical, medical. This is QuoraMD. Questions for doctors. If you're a doctor, you might already know the answer to this question.

But we don't because we're not doctors. Not all of us have read the books. So we have to go to Quora.com. This medical question is, can I poop while taking a bath? Now you're going to get the bath dirty. You do that. Sorry, the question actually is, can I poop while I am taking a bath? That's true.

That's so important. I'm really sorry. We got to get every word in there. While I am taking a bath. If you are taking a bath, you are physically able to poop. There's nothing that's going to lock that in. That would be interesting. The water pressure isn't going to shoot it up there.

You cannot poop while taking a bath. It is impossible. It's physically. It's like touching your elbows together behind your back or something. It's really hard to do. You have to have your rib removed to poop in the bath. Is that a thing you can't do, touch your elbows behind your back? Somebody, my brother said that you have to be flexible to do it.

I tried, and it's like, this is like the closest thing. I know I'm wearing a suit right now, so it's kind of hard. Also, I know that sometimes people on Twitch will troll women by saying you can't touch your elbows in front. But that's just to get them to squeeze their boobs together. Now, that is love bombing, possibly. Maybe your brother was trying to get you to push your chest out. And everyone always is. Like a sexy Twitch streamer.

I'll do anything for attention. Anyway, pooping while taking a bath. It sounds nasty, but you are bathing. I will do anything to defend your rights. I may not agree with your pooping while taking a bath, but I will defend to the death your right to do so. That was Voltaire. That's from user Voltaire. What else do we got in here?

We have Frederico Sainz. He says, yes, you can, but keep in mind, if it is diarrhea or creamy, it will dissolve in the water without problem. This is what I think people are going to be mad at us about. I was about to say, none of the angry reviews or anything are ever about the actual gross stuff. It's always just like, if I were dating a dog, how many dates would I need to go on? I really think that this is the one that people are going to send us letters about where they're like, please don't ever do that again. Please don't tell me if it's creamy. I'm a barista.

That word triggers me. There is more to this. Federico says, but if the poop has a hard consistency, you will not be able to pass through the grating of the bathtub. Clean the tub perfectly after you've pooped. And then someone else says, poo. There's 25 upvotes of the Frederico. Not yet. I got to say that.

Yeah, we are the 25th. We win $1,000. Mike, who's a Quora policeman, says, of course you can. Obviously, you did. But I promise you, that is your job. And only your job to clean it up. Including a full bath scrub with the right soap, disinfectant, and sanitizer. Disinfectant?

That should stop you from ever doing that again. Mike, what are you, my fucking dad? I'm going to poop in my tub as much as I want, Mike. He is a real policeman who has been called to clean somebody's poopy tub once before. He's got the megaphone out outside your house. Stop pooping in there. You must clean your own poop. You've got to use disinfectant.

It's going to take all day. Evelyn says, yes, if you like to have brown sharks in your bathwater. That is the correct response, Evelyn. Thank you. Bethany Chili says, yes, I have experience to this urge. Bethany Chili? All right, new profile. Sorry, I just like looking at these.

The other ones have all been leading up to Bethany Chili. Bethany Chili asks, will this site ever stop emailing me? No, it will not. Bethany, you belong here. Bethany answered, how many Tic Tacs do I need to eat to die? No, do not eat them, she says. Just swallow. Swallow them whole.

They're medicine. All right, well, that's that question. Bethany's really combative in these answers. I don't have any good answers outside of that, but most people are just like, yeah, you can. Have fun, buddy. Go nasty. Yeah, there's brown sharks in there.

Have fun. Go nasty style. Honestly, there's any that need improvement. It's like the deep Pacific, the number of brown sharks in your tub. Jesus Christ. I keep wanting to reference the scene in Jaws where the guy gives the monologue about

getting dumped into the Pacific Ocean in World War II and getting attacked by sharks with their poops. They had brown eyes. A doll's eyes. The sharks came for us. The brown sharks. They were too thick to go through the grates of the ocean. The disinfectant did nothing to keep them away.

Took all afternoon spraying it down. Jaws! I want to ask a question. I can't read any more of these answers. They're disgusting. Don't poop in the tub. Don't do that. Why are you doing things like this?

Don't do that. All right, what's our question? All right, we have a question. I'm cracking my knuckles. Okay, all right, all right. What's it going to be? It's cut loose. What did we talk about today?

We talked about pooping in the bath, black magic, drinking. What's the most inappropriate thing you've seen? Having a Coke can dick. Oh, okay, do a Coke can dick question. That's good. Is it better to have a penis that is 10 inches long or 10 inches wide? that's a good that's like a good engagement uh farming question i think should we do that that one's pretty good i was gonna say what if your penis is full of soda

and actually that's the whole thing and there's nothing else to add what if your penis is full of soda that will be the beginning i wanted to change it to what if it was full of soda but no is full of soda. And tag Jordan Peterson. I'll do my best. Did he block us yet? Jordan Peterson, no. Nope.

All right, I guess just keep sending them. All right. If you want to answer that, please put scrambled eggs. That's been the show again for another week. Wow. What a Quarriators it was. What did we learn here today? Do you want more Quarriators in your life?

Do you want to hear about other websites such as the Bible? Go to patreon.com slash Quarators. And we have all the stuff from TikTok on there. Also, at this point, my Kickstarter will have launched. And we are funding another season of Theater of Delights, which is my private audio drama show where I make the world's most thrilling stories and put them up for you, the viewer. And you can vote, right? Yeah, you get to vote on what the story will be, what Alex will have to write. I haven't come up with all the ideas yet.

I wrote the words E.T. Wife Swap. Yes. That's my favorite so far. It has the most buzzwords in it, and that's what I like about it. But there's all kinds of great stuff on there. Be sure to check out the Kickstarter. Link is below, down pointing arrow. And that's all I have to say about that.

Okay. I have nothing to promote. If you want to Venmo me money, I'll take it. Yeah, and also Venmo Jeremy. That will help the show. All right, you brown sharks. Bye. See you next time.