Quorators - My Employer Fired Me Because Of My Smell w/ Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: How does it feel to have a six-pack abs? Can I patent my sperm so it cannot be used without my permission?  Does Anyone Live On The Sun? ----- Go see kyle on tour @ kylekinane.com Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@cracked Sub to our channel https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

um kyle i've we don't usually tell the guests this before we start but we're gonna play a theme song and we're gonna dance a little bit oh really i just want you to be mentally prepared for that what i mean i don't i don't think i'm gonna be but all right okay fair enough are we going yeah we're going it's a good tip our friend brin made it she's in a band We're back for Quarators another week

Season 2 here on crack.com Home of the fact I'm your host Alex and this is Jeremy How's it going? We're here every week reading Quora It's a simple podcast It's what the show is There's nothing else to know

We have a very exciting guest this week All the way from the tinsel town of Hollywood itself We have Kyle Kinane. Kyle. I live in Portland. Yeah, I was going to say. All the way from Tinseltown. I think you're the first guest we've had in a long time, just not in New York.

And so I went to go grab, like, the Big Apple. And I was like, shit, fuck. What do they call that one? The Windy City. That's not it. Beantown. Kyle, you ever go on the internet? I'm familiar with it.

You like to download stuff? We got everything on there. They got all kinds of stuff on there. We got skateboard videos and boobs. that's the range of what I look at yeah pretty much I don't need anything else out of that machine I don't think you're missing anything

well the show is we go on Quora we find questions and we try to answer them and we also read the organic answers which are all planted by experts those are the only people they allow on Quora.com yes that's true Jordan Peterson got his start on Quora

that's our big fact this is like the one thing we do No relation to Quorn, the vegetarian meat substitute. I don't think so. Or Quorn, the corn cover band. Vegan corn, vegan new metal. Yes. Absolutely.

Twice as many drums. Do you know anything about Quora? Have you been on the thing? I feel like it's come up when I've tried to get some information. I immediately recognized that as an unreliable source. Of all the unreliable sources, it really took the gold. if you can't get to web md a great backup uh i guess the weird part of it is it it's also trying to be facebook so there's like a weird

interaction thing happening and that's just like the basis of what you need to know going into this that's really it every week on the end of the show we ask a question then we start the next show seeing uh the answers we got so what did we do last week jeremy you don't remember uh i remember really grasping for it it was it's a it's an okay one it took too much time just post that that's fine if you kill someone using a pencil like the joker from the dark knight can you still go to heaven and all the answers are like no no you can't how dare you not a workaround yeah no and no one really has any fun answers on it i can't believe we got any answers yeah Seems like an open and shut case to me.

Someone says, Anders Graham says, if you use it to kill baby Hitler, maybe you can. But baby Hitler is famously already dead. He's already dead. So we're fine with that. All right, well, that's that. Yeah, I don't know. Kyle, do you have any thoughts?

I thought you were going with something about the lead or can you reuse the pencil. I didn't know that the religion was coming into it. Yeah. That's where we're like, oh, well, that's an open and shut case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Murder. Regardless of the means.

The pencil is like, it's a red herring, really, to throw you off from the basic murder question. I feel like it was probably a reference to something else we said that week, and I don't remember it. I was like, if you killed somebody with a pencil, does the pencil get more, if it's a number two, is there lead poisoning? Would that kill them quicker than the puncture? Like, that's what I thought. Right, right.

Yeah. But as far as heaven, I mean, if you're into that kind of thing, that's like the first rule. Yeah, you can't kill. Or they even call it a commandment, not even a rule. It has nothing to do with pencils. No. We've got a bunch of segments based on topic.

Oh, wait, I do have to say, because I feel like this maybe came up last week, if you are going to respond to our quorum before the thing comes out, you must use the words scrambled eggs. This is the only way we will know you came from the podcast and are ruining the data for our science experiment. Yeah.

Oh, that's the code? Yeah. Scrambled eggs. That's the code. That's the code. You're in on the code. That's a safe word. We're ready to get into it now.

What are we doing first, Jeremy? Quora MD, medical questions. Slam that. Most of Quora is people being like, if you have this sickness, you're probably going to die in the next few days. So we found a bunch of medical-related questions. I mean, there's so many good places to go for medical questions on the internet. But your peers aren't there. It's like being judged by a jury.

Yeah, if you don't want to put on airs. Listen, I just got bit by a rattlesnake, but my insurance is a little iffy. If you guys want to steer me through this one. I'll sleep this one off. This first question is, how does it feel to have a six-pack abs? Okay. Can we attack the grammar of that? How does it feel to have a six-pack abs?

A six-pack. A full pack. But then abs, plural. Oh, man. If you want to attack the grammar, you are going to love the next 10 to 15 questions. uh i'm gonna guess it feels really great you ever have like a juvenile sixer come yeah i feel like i might have had one as a child no just from just from being young and active yeah just from moving around a little bit i was fatter than ever before were you were you a chubby kid oh yeah oh so you

dialed in later yeah sure i just got taller i think if you can do it try that it's a really good cheek stretch the fat over my bones yeah you just wear it long you know what i'm talking about it's like pushing pizza dough out on the counter you'll get that thing crust don't worry uh what i like about this question is it is full of people with abs just letting you know their day-to-day yeah this guy has a picture of himself if you want to see it this is him 285 to 200 is it we think that's the same guy It doesn't really look like it. It's just one of his enemies.

He's developed a bit of an attitude between the pants. I know. I don't know why they don't pose in the before picture, at least given a... He's all slouchy and bummed out. Of course you look like shit. Do a little flex. If the guy in the before picture believed in himself, I'd be like, you don't need all these muscles. You look like you're happy.

Why don't you flex your ass? The second guy doesn't look much happier either. No, he looks pretty bummed. This is the one opinion I do have about a six pack, which is that you cannot obtain it in a cosmic good sense. Like, you have to carry an anger with you at all times. That permeates through the body. Yeah, look at this guy's hands. Yeah.

Oh, fists. Why can't those be flat? Yeah, good for changing life. Is there a specific one you want me to read, Alex? Just have fun out there, baby. Sorry, I cut you off. Useless muscles, too. Yeah, it's true.

It's for show. They're not utility. They're in the middle. You have to do a little bit of everything with those babies. I mean, I have no, like, real reason to make fun of these people. We're three strong men. Yeah, I was going to say, like, those muscles aren't real. I'm full of shit.

But isn't that the same? Like, people that are, like, really large are actually very strong because they have all the muscles underneath to carry that weight around. I would. Oh, sure. Secretly, they're really strong. Yeah, yeah. They're just not bragging about it.

You ever see someone who's, like, 300 pounds, who's 100 pounds real quick, and then their calf looks like a fist? Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. Yeah, they've had to steady that mass for a long time. Every time they've gone up the stairs to get a pizza, it's been growing. And now it's coming to get you. These guys who are really jacked looking, they're just like dogs that can't live that long.

It looks really pretty, but his face is like a flat line. You better enjoy it now. I thought you meant because they're going to fight in a battle. Oh, that too. They're a glass cannon build. This is another thing, too, is the people who get really strong, like the Strongmen competition. in Strongman, those are all like obvious gentlemen. They're egg-shaped

men. That's the strongest shape you can be, is a big oval. Yeah, that's true. It has like the most surface area of strength. Yeah, utility strength isn't the same as vanity strength. And that's why I've never

gotten a six-pack. It's not something I want to take part in. I already like who I am. Yeah. Have you seen that movie Pumping Iron, Arnold Schwarzenegger? I think so. in that documentary it's like very young

Arnold Schwarzenegger he says he specifically says working out is like coming for him so maybe it's great for him when he squeezes his muscles it feels like he comes

and then he terrorizes Lou Ferrigno the whole movie that's why it's a good movie because it features a unique character evil Arnold Schwarzenegger who is normally banned

from the public view oh really he's a bad dude he like just gaslights Lou Ferrigno the whole movie he's hanging out with his family

it's very strange he's like eating dinner with his mom shit talking him and it's like this is high level Wolfram goes like 17. Maybe that's how they do it in Austria.

I don't know. Maybe they just zing each other a lot. Maybe. Something about the altitude. I'm trying to see if any of these are interesting. A lot of people are just posting photos of themselves. If you got them, of course you're going to post them. You're not keeping a shirt.

It's funny you ask. It feels fantastic. Also, I've just been on QOR all day waiting for somebody to ask this question. These people are all so happy. I can't find anyone who's like, it made me worse. I think these guys answer every question that somehow leads to their abs. You know what I can do is I can look. Because these people, Quora gives you way too much info.

Are Goodyear tires better than Pirelli tires? I don't know. All I know is when I'm shirtless working on my car. Here you go. This guy is a male stripper. Good for him. Troubled youth, ex-con, male stripper. French Foreign Legion reject.

Self-sufficient homeless wanderer. See, if that was me, I wouldn't put the Foreign Legion reject part in there. I feel like that takes you down a notch. I don't know if you've seen any of these things. This guy's name is Austin Byers. I'm going to say his full name. After the six-pack question, he answered the question, I know I'm a pervert.

What do I do now? And he says, I know that I have the sex drive of a serial rapist, so what do I do? That's something you want to put on the internet. You want to get that online. Why say that? Why write that down? I think you have other attributes of a serial rapist.

Why would you write that down with your name? Like saying that about yourself. You fucking lunatic. And here's a photo of me. Here's my address. Here's where I work. I'll come to you. I'll come on you.

What do you need? It's a one-stop shop. Okay, I got another question for us. This one is, can I patent my sperm so that it cannot be used without my permission? Oh, baby. Good sound effect for that. Thank you. I've worked really hard on that.

Yeah, if you draw a little C in a circle on whatever old mayonnaise jar you're keeping in. Sure. I bet nobody will touch it then. People are going through your garbage for your tissues. Where are you keeping all this sperm? Finally, my genetics. Don't go in my fridge. That's a special fridge. Soda's in the garage fridge. That's my jizz fridge.

I can't imagine the hubris to go up to a sperm bank and see a different jar of sperm and just go up to the counter and be like, I hate to ask this. Is that my sperm? Well, I know the hack way of copywriting something is to mail it to yourself. Maybe just take all this jizz down to the post office and send it back to your own house. Just jack off right into an envelope. Just get one of them dry ice boxes. Make sure nothing goes bad.

You got to weigh it. It's so valuable. That's money in the bank. I know where two sounds are reliably, and I'm going to nail them. I don't think the bank we're talking about makes that sound. You don't have a splat sound? if your balls sound like a sack of coins see a doctor what did people say um this guy phil phil albert who is a patent attorney says this is not phil my butthole

he says this is not a stupid question oh i beg to differ uh in fact aside from the things that need to be protected uh protected these same sorts of issues often occur for example effort doesn't make a difference effort doesn't make a difference I'll concede that your DNA is novel is it patentable subject matter probably not seed patents DNA snippet patents rely on some

transformation that does not occur in nature this is someone who thinks we're far more interested in patents than we are and that's a damn shame nobody is asking why this guy is just keeping his sperm and what he thinks people want it for just

flush it man you can use it as an adhesive oh god he's got household uses so you think it's like he's using it he thinks people are going to use it as like a glue instead of it's like after people you know climax like oh that was great he's like nobody taught you get out of here my first thought was that he thinks people are going to try to like have his babies so they're like taking it and then they're like i'm gonna have this man's son that's what i mean but that's sex yes that's sex I don't think this guy knows what that is. There's two options, and one is it's a very healthy man

who thinks everyone wants to steal his genes, and then the other one is a very sick man who thinks that his weird sperm could be used for tools. I think this is a fifth grader with a level of anxiety of a 30-year-old. Someone tasted it and thought it was really good, and he's like, this could be a condiment. That's a sauce. I can always bought a sauce.

This guy says in order to patent something, you need to invent it first there must be some creative intellectual contribution from your side for example things that nature say plants can't be patented and your sperm falls in that category that seems unfair shut up dude ever like hope that it's ai responding to these so your faith in humanity remain at the bare minimum that it's at now i just like who's going on here to answer this patent lawyers i mean america's top don't you ask that every time you record an episode It's true. This is actually one of the better communities we've stumbled into so far.

This guy, Glenn Jenkinson, says, Why would anyone want to use your DNA with or without your permission? Parentheses, not a mean-spirited question. What did I mean? I'm just here to contribute to the conversation. Continue on. He works at Boeing. Huh.

I just think it's funny how much information there is. Yeah, why does he tell us? He lives in Houston, Texas. Airbus, stay winning. He went to University of Florida, And he wants to know what you think people are using your Sperb for. Okay. So the answer is no, it sounds like.

He's bragging about his number of Quora views in his profile. He says over 1 million views. These are all Yelp elite members elsewhere in the world, aren't they? I no longer answer questions. Someone needs to know what I think of this White Castle. It'll help guide their day. I'm going to follow him. It may not sound like anything to you, but these are the numbers industry wants to hear.

I guide the human experience, really, is what it comes down to. And bettering society. Before we give you that pilot, I'm going to need to see your core reviews. Just need to know people are tuning in. All right, man. Do we got any other medical questions? No, that's all the medical questions. The next one is the quirk place, our workplace segment.

All right, let me pull up that song. Welcome to the quirk place. The killer be killed world of American business. and also sometimes Indian business. Yeah, there's a lot of Indian users in Quora, right? There are more Indians than there are Americans, and that's something I'll say every week. You've got to stop saying that.

It's just how I feel. This question is, if I accidentally pooped on the ground and it didn't make it to the toilet when I was at the store, should I clean it up or ask someone at the store to call for the maintenance person on staff? Uh-huh.

So this guy went into a store, took a shit on the ground, and then was like, what do I do about it? I'm going to go to Quora. That's the same guy from the Jizz group. Again, this is a paranoid schizophrenic fit right here. He's coming up with doomsday scenarios for himself. You think this didn't happen to this guy?

I think it happened to him, and then he opened up his phone and was like, now what? Oh, I need answers slow. I think it's a question of self-respect, really. I think it's a question of what store. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, like a Home Depot, a lot of candy.

There's a mop you could just purchase and handle your life, you know? Yeah, that's a good idea. A little self, you know, responsibility for your life. You're at a big box store like a Walmart, like a BJ's, and it may just be better to leave things to the natural flow of the store. It's like its own town in there. Yeah, if you're at a Sephora, I don't know what to do for you. There's only 20 feet of space.

That's out of my jurisdiction. Pour a lot of perfume on it. Yeah, take your shirt off. Use that as a paper towel of some kind. There's something funny, too, about going to, like, a Home Depot at the cashier with, like, a mop and a bunch of cleaning stuff and be like, and where's the bathroom? I'm going to run this back. And where's your garbage? Everyone's mad at me.

I cleaned it up myself. Yeah, give me that receipt. I'm going to be returning this in about 20 minutes. Okay. Well, what does Quora think? Edward Stevenson says I saw that happen to a poor lady

in a Sears store at Christmas time oh you did not on Christmas the line was long and slow and she was obviously sick well this isn't getting fun

it's not really that fun anymore the poor woman dropped a mess right there while she stood in line yes she should have realized she needed to leave the line but to her credit she stood over it

and called the sales clerk to check out for help obviously she didn't want anyone to fall because of her misdeed oh my god I believe she did the best she could

she had no means to clean it up and I don't think she did it deliberately. Of course, she was mortified, but under those circumstances, she handled it properly. Don't you agree? I don't know if I agree. I thought mortified was

strictly used for the 17 magazine. I think this is the best use case of the word mortified. You shit in a store and still check out. You stand over it. Continue to buy your husband a scarf over here.

I know it's six hours from christmas do you validate parking uh yeah extremely sick is actually like that that that's when this would happen now that i'm thinking about it i did i was sick and threw up in the airport on the ground before sure the bathroom that's fine not even like an alcohol like i just like had too much weird stuff in me and then when i came out of the bathroom so they did just put a cone next to it that's why they have them so somebody saw me do it i went to walk out by the cone like it felt very passive aggressive even though it was the right thing i was like i okay i'm yeah but you had to put the cone of course they had to put

people throw up in airports a lot yeah that's what happened three times a day yeah i remember as a kid throwing up on my pants and then zipping them off because they were the like short zipper pants remember those being a thing wow now we know what that's for that's what that's for it's for when you're a child and you throw up on your pants you're either on a basketball team or you're at the airport and threw up a little bit sure also being sick at an airport is like good let's ship this at other places yeah let's go ahead and get whatever's in i had a weird lunch and i decided to drink a couple of ipas which i don't enjoy and everything in my belly was like absolutely not kyle and wasn't drunk just came i was running to the bathroom came up and i was like this is not

what happens as an adult this is why i don't like ipas yeah and the airport was like uh don't step here yeah caution want to but we want to make sure you that you know that we know this is part of our aesthetic yeah welcome to la guardia what time of the day are we talking middle of the afternoon and it was it was it was like north carolina was a small airport too so it's definitely they they knew that was the biggest thing that happened to that somebody at their most alert took care of that so i got left i abandoned my bags too i'm like don't call in a bomb threat see something say something i had weird vegan barbecue don't take my backpack please no liquids yeah you know what i don't deserve pants

i just want to read this answer just the beginning of it from this guy ryan thomas whose job is owner of a dozen tattoos he says i won't get much love for this answer the first thing you you're going to want to do is bail out of the situation immediately without running though and get out away from the scene of the crime aka accident she just says like leave oh that's what you meant aka accident poop fugitive everybody's fake name is just two first names ryan thomas Let's check them out. It's a brother of Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. That's right.

He's got nine followers. It's in his bio. He's got a pretty boring bio. What else has he answered? That's the fun part from it. What else has he decided? He answered... His expertise was needed.

I mean, here's a very Quora question, and apologies if it's too far. What would be the reaction of police if black people would have marched on Capitol Hill? Huh. What? I can tell you what they should do if they shit in a store.

aka finally we've organized black january 6th that's what we're calling it i'm glad we looked into this i feel positive about it i mean i love looking at what people were saying we found orson scott cards account the other day famous sci-fi racist author he had a lot of stuff to say he's on quora a lot stay tuned for that This is a similar question. My employer fired me because of my smell. All of my managers told me I'm an exceptional worker. Why does odor matter so much?

Now, have you noticed hustlers do have that? It's part of the byproduct to put you to work. It's the smell of money. I'm running around perspirating, you know? It's hard work. Why am I sweating? I'm making more calls than you. Answering more emails than you.

Skip lunch. I believe the phrase is pimping ain't easy. Hence my damp underarms. I do not have time to go to the bathroom. Carrying all this gold around my neck, got my pits sweating. I've got to say that smoother. What is the last sentence of the question? Why does odor matter so much?

Why does odor matter so much? You can't see it. It's so true. You can't touch it. One of the final discriminations out there. Hey, it's not going to hurt you. i'd be too embarrassed to like call a lawyer for that they're like well what happened it's wrongful termination i'm like they said i really just

reek my client stinky did nothing wrong my stinky client the pig pen stink lines are what's the answer though what um what is the answer elwood blue says look buddy there's been a time or two when i've actually walked up to and help my garbage men load their truck when i have a ton of trash to load. Thank you, Elwood. These people handle literal trash, garbage, disgusting messes

of chemical soups and whatever rancid decaying mess people found in their fridge every day. They take it to the landfill that it can only... All right, we get the point.

They probably smell really good. Garbage man. None of these people smelled like their work, which is the hate of trash. So if a garbage man can show up to work not smelling like a hot garbage,

I don't understand why it's so hard for anyone else to do the same. Okay, but sometimes they do smell bad. Some people have a glandular issue.

Yeah. Could be a medical thing. Now what? Okay, now what? You're so cocky making fun of Stinky when he's so sick. My disgusting client is not a man, you say? Are we not all people? Why does odor matter so much?

I'll let it ride some days. Really? Yeah, just because, like, whatever. sometimes the the missus will get a little upset she's like you've ruined part of the house kyle did you let it ride again she just calls me onion patch all right fair enough i thought i thought i was doing all right can't get fired from comedy for smelling bad they'll try i mean i've pushed the envelope i'd say if there's one field where people are kind of testing this out i'm too funny for people to be mad at my smell have you uh ever farted on stage i don't think

i have have you yeah i think i have i think not in a way where like i think other people knew right away where people would be like he's trying to make us laugh but that was him though uh yeah i'm not trying to be like juvenile about it but i remember it was a show and the stage was about a taller stage so people were like their face was level with the stage you could tell it just came down like like concert fog and what and i just i knew i did i'm like it's all right man you're eating mozzarella sticks all weekend and i just i never look at the audience and i just in my peripheral so i just this woman she's like laughing and she's like and then she's like i couldn't acknowledge it and i wanted to just be like i'm very sorry but i could tell it just

yeah just came down there's a mist right into her face i'm like i am i am very sorry for what happened to you right there there's a critical moment when you fart where you're like maybe it's gonna blow the other way maybe this is the perfect crime this time i like that because i feel like then if the joke does bad i could be like it's probably because of the fart The writing was stellar. It's unimpeachable. You know when you form habits that you don't think other people notice? Sure.

Like if I beef, I just blow in my lap. I'm like, that's very obvious what's going on. Because it doesn't do anything. You try to blow it away. And now it smells. Yeah, I feel like I'm just kind of like. I try to do the opposite. I try to suck it up so no one else gets to it.

I'm like, it's all for me. I have no right to be disgusted by that, but. you sir have actually what if it all just i just vacuum it you've crossed the line i didn't know i had like all the podcasts is to get jeremy to love himself now you've just doubled down it's like it's like hardening a sword you know yeah well iron sharpens iron all right anyway everyone's just like yeah that sucks man we got somewhere with that uh it's too bad uh i had a co-worker who smelled like cat urine this person says that's rough yeah oh i wonder why probably because i got a cat probably because

i got a cat that's probably why i had some lonely people you like you look in their car and you know it's like it's like so many beanie babies covering the windshield like yeah oh you're the one that It smells like the cat urine. I get it. The Beanie Babies don't actually fix the smell. No, no. They just kind of trap it. They soak it in.

All right. Let's do Forbidden Knowledge. This is... We found a section on Quora that's called Forbidden Knowledge, which we thought was really funny because anyone can read it, and it's... You can just post there. So these aren't on Forbidden Knowledge, I don't think, Alex? No.

They're just... Generally, it's the topic of the unknown. Okay. The damned. We received a tip off, Kyle, that maybe you are interested in the paranormal and things like spooky stuff. Yeah. All right. Cool. Because we're all about it. This first sometimes I read this one for too long and people write in. They're like, I don't care about ghosts. Stop talking about that.

I would say, but we had a guest who you could see visibly check out as Alex goes on and on about the fucking Solomon. I don't know. I'm checking in. this question is how do i banish demons okay um you bring them in can you take them out what a wide brush you've painted um should i read this answer out is this a good answer i believe so okay because i haven't read this one um this is from burt matala okay yes no this is a learned man burt says you have to be born again christian to banish a demon jesus gives born again christians authority. Non-Christians will get attacked if they try ordering demons

to be banished. That's good to know. It's on a lanyard basis. Or to get danishes to be beamed. In the mid-1990s, I lived in an apartment across the street from a guy named Mitch. After becoming friends, he told his ex-wife, who was a Satanist, sent a demon after him. Mitch

and his greyhound could see this demon, but I couldn't. Coincidence how many ex-wives are demonists, by the way? They love those demons. That's why it didn't work out. One evening, Mitch and I were standing on his porch when the rocking chair began rocking.

The dog was staying at the demon. I guess I should be staring at the demon, but it's a staying at the demon, and I could conclude that this demon knew I couldn't see him and was trying to scare me. I commanded the demon to leave in the name of Jesus. The rocking chair stopped rocking as the demon looked out the front door

and it told Mitch that I had a bright light coming from me, and it knew I had to obey my command. all christians have this authority luke 10 19 luke 10 19 evangelist that's in the book a chair stopped rocking when i yelled at it this is 97 views needs a platform see this is the thing is you get a little bit into this answer and you're like i bet he doesn't have a story how much like do priests they're like okay they beat men to the cloth that are still like another fucking wacko with the like even they're like come on man it's not real like i know i'm doing this whole thing but no your greyhound can't spot demons yeah

whatever there you go banished oh yeah you have a light coming from you i'm sure yeah sure burt matola the best part i think about this all the time if you're a professional exorcist like you work in the church you get the call from yahoos like you get the call from burt and you're like fucking birth doesn't know he can't banish demons only i can banish demons like a notary i gotta stamp the thing i got the special stamp this guy also he says you have to be a born again he must just mean christian right i like the idea that you can't if you're born christian you're not allowed you gotta respawn i never knew what the yeah what the lexicon was for if you're just christian your whole life yeah look i'm a jew i don't know any of this stuff but i always thought

born again was like you choose to like you have to do it again right you have to go into the water it's yeah it's people that like fucked up and that's their only way out i feel like my ignorance is the only thing they can tell the judge you went to catholic school alex they all go in the water i know that yeah water's part of it i did what i did baby water i didn't do adult water you know you don't need to once they get the baby water in there no but if you're an adult you get born again they got yeah they got a you're just born if you're a baby you're just born once oh that's but well if you're born you're born with its original sin yeah and that means uh you're so that's it's the plan of god as well there's a new baby hell immediate hell unless you also do this

extra step that i've made up for you uh we haven't addressed this yet this episode but if you are listening to the podcast we are recording in what looks like a victorian ballroom style situation There's a majestic painting above us. People are passing the halls. We're just discussing the finer points of the Bible. Hear me out. Cheesecake factory meets House of Blues. I hope those weren't the owners.

I think that is. Sorry, guys. I love it. We love it. I love what's happening. I don't remember what we were talking about. Demons. Demons.

Who cares? You got to get the stamp. born again how to summon your wives demons um i don't think there's anything i don't think there's a single other answer on this question there's a lot of adjacent questions yeah whatever whatever what else did demon guy ask oh yeah let's go back to that guy i'm sorry i don't want to this is but i'm like now i don't know anything about kiora okay i can tell you and should you use for the best brownies also my wife's a demon we can tell you that uh he studied at rio hondo college and that he's a pianist at his christian

church uh i feel like he got the answers at work you know his most recent answer on september 11th he he answered as a christian with homosexual desires how can i uphold a biblical view on male-to-male relationships and we're bad my man is having a rough week Were both of the towers possessed or just one tainting the other? Wait, he asked about the demons before he answered? He answered the demons. And he answered this one as well.

Oh, that's not his own question? No. Because he has five questions. Let's see. Repressed homosexual preacher is pretty much the star of our show. It's interesting to see somebody that's got all the answers.

What are they asking? His most recent question is two years ago and it's how do I file a complaint against a Quora member? And then how can I see my answers? I pray there's no way to file these complaints. Here we go. Five years ago, his first question on the website,

what is the most popular theory of why Adolf Hitler hated the Jews to the point of sending them to the death camps? And we're back again. No answer. Wow. At least once a week. We stop in at least once a week. I was angry with how much Reddit was taking up my time,

and now you guys have brought a fresh hell upon my life. Reddit is a safe space. Stay there. Yeah. I read it somehow like cornier, but not as dumb as this. Well, I think we could find some corners of it. I click on it and it just says, Alex, want to answer this question? No.

No, I don't. You sure? He's always answering for me in the Hitler questions. I'd love to answer. They didn't like his paintings. We got more demon stuff. I forgot to search the word Sasquatch. That was on my agenda this morning.

Oh, man. It's a reminder for yourself. And if you want to do deep cuts, you look for cryptids. Yeah. You talk about skinwalkers pretty often. That comes up a lot. I know you're not supposed to say the word. I know it invites them in.

We're underground in New York City. I think it's okay. This question is... Oh, now you've done it. I think it's okay. Don't read the comments, Alex. I hear I'm getting out of a Lyft now. Who's that dog getting out of a Lyft?

That possessed dog with $45. A wolf with bleeding eyes. I took the wrong train. I'm so confused every time. The F isn't running. I don't know. I thought I could use my phone, but it wasn't scanning, so I just morphed into a rat.

This question is, is it true that ghosts are more powerful at 3 a.m. in the morning? Now, I have never in all my years heard this assertion. Not once. There's something about 3 a.m. I think it's because it's the spookiest time. Yeah. Because midnight's hack.

It really is. And it's the halfway point between midnight and when you got to get up for work. It's almost morning. And for some people, early risers, you can have four be morning. You got to be at your shift at six. You can wake up at four. Four sounds like a time to make the donuts kind of job. Yeah, absolutely.

2 a.m., bars are just closing. Hey, we're just going to go get a little Coke, do some bumps, maybe watch some TV. I'll be back in a year. Supernatural shit. Be back at home in time for the ghosts to really start freaking out. That's when they know. You got to get them after the bar's closed, but before they get up for work. 3 a.m., solid bet.

Scariest time for us. Yeah, in small towns, ghosts come out around 11 or 12. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, everybody's already in bed. It says there's eight answers. Oh, wow. They must all be really good. I can't find...

One of them's locked behind Quora Plus. Of course. Which we don't pay for. Wow. We refuse to. That's on principle. What is the payment plan for? I think it's a monthly thing.

Okay. We've looked into this before, though, but it's like by community. You pay by community, I'm pretty sure. And that's like untenable. But does the money go to Quora or like a moderator for the community? I think it's a split. I don't actually work at Quora. I want to be upfront about that.

I was going to say, you should be getting some kickback on this. Yeah, if you have a good answer. I'm going to be going to it. We can't read it. He says yes, so we don't know what it is. They love that time, but we don't know why. All I can see is at night from 1 a.m. to 3.33 a.m. is the time of spirits and negative energies.

According to science, many organs of human body also release negative energies from body at this time. Ghosts hate that there's not a 666. Stupid base 16 counting system. It's set 706. we're gonna get them on the technicality everyone's awake kind of just feeling fresh getting haunted um this is an answer that specifically i think is in india because all these answers are about like hindi or hindu according to hindu tradition

brahma maharat starts at 4 a.m in the morning and i was about to say that science yeah you were gonna say it yeah brahma did we discuss brahma maharat because at this time the densified oxygen layer will be near Earth's surface. When the sun rises, it moves up. That I do. Hence, if you're waking up at 4 a.m., you have a good chance of breathing pure oxygen which activates your body and gives more

energy throughout the day. None of this is even remotely true. That's going to activate the ghost. Ghosts are a gas. They go up. I like confidently bad stuff. But throwing in a few things that are like we all know is true. Maybe. The morning

sun goes up. That's why you have pure oxygen at 4 a.m. It's high as shit at 4 a.m. I agree with the sun part. People aren't breathing as hard at 4 a.m. So they're not expelling as much CO2. So it's more oxygen for you to take in.

You can sniff your farts easier at that time. If your plane's crashing at 4 a.m., the mass does not come down. Anyway, let's read another one of these questions. This last forbidden knowledge question is, does anyone live on the sun? i'm gonna say no no i'm gonna say no i wonder if i can find the person who asked this question

gotcha i live on the sun fooled you everyone says i don't exist just because i live on the sun this might be a troll this person has asked 29 questions there's like a troll who's not quite good at it yet they're still like kind of working out what makes people bad yeah he says is it unhealthy to drink one million cups of coffee per day yeah yeah it is okay on the sun we have sun coffee it drives me mad to read someone trying to be funny i want to just read people who are being funny well that's a shame all right well the answer is no you cannot live on the sun nope all right we figured it out these are our um police quora so a lot of quora is just like police officers

who are just like, oh, there we go. Yeah, we've got our police sound effects. If you're driving, you're not getting pulled over. This is not a police car if you're driving. This is just part of the show. Also, you can't see it, but it's like we're getting pulled over. Yeah, the lights are going off. This is the best episode we've ever recorded.

We're in the Cheesecake Factory. Ice-T is going to come in here. What we got here? Yeah, we also booked Ice-T. Do the voice. We did not want him the whole time. I'm just saying, it felt good. Hey guys, it's me, Ice-T.

Most people on Quora are just like police officers who are like, the one time I got to shot a man was the best I've ever felt. I'm working on my memoirs, but they are not ready yet. What if I pretend I spilled some mustard and my body came and I didn't notice? I don't want to give them any ideas. This question is,

if I live in a heavily armed compound in Montana, Can I legally use DIY landmines on my property to stop invaders who breach the perimeter of my territory? This guy is already using them. It's to check in, though. I don't know. I feel like if you build a DIY landmine, you're killing yourself. Yeah, I think the odds of him taking himself out are pretty good. So I put one over there, and then, ah.

I'm so sick of these corporate landmines. Yeah, these aren't big box landmines. you're going to get at the store. I would immediately forget where my landmines are, for sure. I'm always saying this, but if you're a landmine guy, you also got to be a maps guy. You really do. It's a whole industry.

You got to be into maps. You got to be careful where those babies go. You can't have a dog. And yet, I feel like they all have dogs. Yeah, they probably do. It's a companionship. The leash is 20 feet. The landmines are 23 feet.

it should be cool the system works yeah um this guy says in american case law there's an example of a person who set up a gun which would be triggered if someone tried to break into their home there was a sign outside that warned of no trespass trespassing it also may have mentioned something about there being booby traps in that case the court ruled that these types of lethal traps and guns were illegal on policy grounds this is called the saw rule there's always the risk of emergency personnel or police accidentally getting killed in case of an emergency situation there's also the possibility of a kid or teenager making a lethal mistake all right so you win you win some you lose some there i'm so into the saw rule just

like a case getting to court and the judge being like do we really want to live in saw is that what we're doing i'm gonna ride around on a tiny tricycle all day Yeah, you have to set up a little TV if you're going to do it. You're going to be learning lessons. There's riddles before you open the door. That was the answer? Like, oh, there's... You can't do it.

I made up the solve rule. Sorry. No, I got you. I don't know if Alex thinks that that's a real rule that's in there. Here's a question for you. Is that an actual story that somebody had like a... Suppose, I mean, according to this man, this guy, Alexander Finnegan, who was placed on the domestic terrorist watch list

for disagreeing. So he knows. Uh-oh. They have the ass coming for me. Also self-taught violinist. And lawyer, it says. Self-taught lawyer? Oh, no.

Well, this is not real. They were wrong to put you on that watch list. All right. Well, I guess that's not true. One guy says, why not just build a wall? Shut up. That is true. We're not doing it for the walls.

We're doing it for the landmines. Yeah, no one's trying to break into this man's house. I'm not going to blow up the immigrants if I got to walk in. I see you working on a battle bot. Why don't you just make a car? Shut up. I'm not familiar with Montana law, but generally you can't use deadly force against trespassers

or to protect property. Is that true? We got to get a Montana law expert on for this show. I thought that was the stand your ground law. Yeah. Which I always thought, by rights, then abortion should be legal under a stay-in-your-group law. Ooh, that's a good point. Trespassing.

Yeah. Or maybe the fetus should be able to kill you. It's taken down the right. It had to be said. Yeah, but that's like so many states that's there. Yeah. That joke does, I guess, assume that there is a life at conception, but you can kill it. Listen, you invite somebody in your house.

After a while, they're threatening you. Now you want them out of your house. I think that's a fair compromise. What happens under a stand-your-ground law in that case? Legitimately, I'm curious legally how that would handle. Oh, suddenly it's not cool to kill people you don't like. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know where this will get a lot of engagement when we post it is Quora.com.

That's a good point, yeah. And this one's locked in. We definitely won't forget it. All right, let's move on to the next police one. Oh, this is a good question. I want to know the answer to this. if i hire a hitman to kill me and he fails will i go to jail oh double indemnity is there anything worse than it when the hitman fails folks you hire a hitman on yourself

what i'm a coward by the way but would this be like an insurance thing yeah i guess i actually do know someone who did this uh this is true uh well i went to like i grew up adjacent to a very wealthy neighborhood and during like the Bernie Madoff shit like people's fortunes were falling and there was a guy who was killed and they found out that like he had like maybe hired

the person who killed him and his kid I swear to God within a month had like a Corvette like he got like a ton of insurance money well it's a well off neighborhood I don't want to say how much but I will say we have hitman money well there's good hitman money There's bad hitman money.

There's insurance hitman money. I got a scope. I can be a half mile away, take you out with a silencer you'll never know. What are you going to drink that? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Go on, drink it. It's poison. It's going to be bad.

Here's Duke. He just chases you with a hammer. Yeah. Pretty easy to get out of. There's a door in the way. Have you ever choked anybody before? This feels terrible. piano wire not guitar string it's just gonna keep breaking

um anyway i think you should go to jail if you hire a hitman and he fails to kill you what law jeremy does the hitman saw rule god damn these saw rules they both go to jail it's really embarrassing when you're in jail and you try to explain why you're there yeah botched suicide yeah because now there's like labor laws involved like if you don't pay him because he doesn't yeah exactly that's theft of service yeah um just do it yourself legally it's a fascinating question i i shouldn't endorse suicide on the podcast but if you're gonna do it we do endorse pulling yourself up by your bootstraps all right you have a house where you got a gun set to go off but then you walk in your own house is it suicide if you just forgot you did a stupid you

had landmines around your property which you probably did um there have been previous cases where a person has hired a hitman to kill them and the killer fails. The contractor takes the killer to court. What? The contractor won the settlement at $25,000 because the contract was not completed. However, both were arrested and charged

with premeditated attempted murder. It's illegal to contract to someone to kill someone even if the target is also the contractor for the killing. Of course, it's illegal to kill someone so the killer also gets arrested. What a Nickelodeon movie ass ending that is. Yeah. You have $25,000 and everyone goes to jail.

You do get the money, though. You get to keep that, I guess. That's a lot of Butterfinger bars from the commissary in prison. Someone says you'd be guilty of conspiracy, but not conspiracy to murder. The conspiracy has to be to kill another person for it to be conspiracy to murder. These lawyers have a lot of time on their hands to be going through Quora this way. Going out for the bar, six times a charm, guys. I've been in the books now

but I've been on QR I've read more about ghosts than ever before I know all about ghost law legalities of spirits they never ask on the bar exam if you have to be born again to summon a demon or banish a demon

they won't let you take the bar exam at 3 in the morning it's really more real estate issues it turns out this guy says assisted suicide is illegal in Alabama So they're like, well, I don't think that's the same thing as hiring a hitman to shoot you in the head. It's assisted by the hitman.

But it is, though. I guess it is. He's assisting you for money. That's the old Kevorkian was, you know, pushing the plunger, flipping the switch. But he's not hitting the plunger, right? But by what they're trying to get done. It's the same goal.

It's assisted suicide. Yes, that's fair. Everybody's working together on this. All right, that's bulletproof. Just one's a pro level, one's a real amateur level. All right, let's do the parenting section. Ah, yes. This is parenting, our parenting section.

That's enough. Kyle, you famously have a litter of children. Oh, yeah, so many. Cheaper by the dozen, he says. Well, you know, some of them are going to die off in winter, and we've got to keep the farm going. It's the best way to spread your seed. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and you've got to copyright that shit. It's patented, yeah. Patented. This question is, my 37-year-old son got married without my permission. How can I make his life a living hell until he divorces? It sounds like you're already doing it. It sounds like you're already there.

Don't even worry about it. You are on track. Mom, I've been reading your Quora. Yeah, step one, go to Quora.com. Don't even think about it. Step one, start acting really irresponsibly on social media. Yeah. I don't know.

Take his Atari away? Yeah, he is 37. Some people say this is a troll. I saw somewhere that trolls get paid for asking controversial questions that get a lot of responses. Who is paying these people? How do I get on that payroll to ask bad questions on Quora? Soros. Yeah, George Soros.

He goes all the way to the top of Quora. He's trying to disrupt. Just signing checks and peeling them off. I don't even know what these are for. the great republican minds of quora can't get together i just write chaos in the two line the disorder breeds results well let's i think as a room this is probably a troll and you get these a lot on quora sadly it's so sad but um he's troll i think we can maybe talk through like okay you're an angry mother

your adult son is married and you want to, I guess, epically prank him? Sure. You want to get his goat? How do you do it? If I have a 37-year-old son? Yeah. I think I probably would post on social media, probably pictures of him and be like,

look at my bad boy. Yeah, sure. There he is. Yeah, I would debut my OnlyFans at the wedding. Oh, yeah, there you go. That's pretty good. Yeah, I would have a QR code for, like, the wedding registry, but it's your mom's OnlyFans. Sure, you can change it

too. Like, you set it up for something, and then, like, once it goes out, you switch the link. Yeah. You redirect it. Bet you thought that was too not your mother's OnlyFans. We thought we were getting you an Instant Pot. We sell your mom's tits. Not bad.

I mean, I don't know if that's better or worse for you. I just want to say, she looks alright. I should admit, it was behind a paywall, too. Yeah, well, I was curious. I mean, is this really what she's doing? I chipped in 15 bucks. I don't know if this is a compliment or an insult, but it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard. Yeah.

I thought the bride's family was supposed to pay for the wedding, but apparently it's hitting her pretty hard, too. Everybody's chipping in. This better be an open bar at this point. I think the juiciest part of this is just taking this same question to Facebook would be a great way to get started. Sure. Yeah, I think so.

My parents are on Facebook. Everyone's on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. Not anymore. Well, you're on there. I've left. You just don't use it.

That's true. They can still tag you and shit, and other people can see it. That is true. I do get tagged and stuff. Really? A little bit. I have, like, an account that somebody else runs for comedy stuff. Oh, that's a good move.

I got rid of, yeah, I don't interact. That's smart. I got to get one of those. One year, I added 1,000 people from Pakistan as a joke I hadn't met, and they loved me, and they messaged me all the time. But my wallet is full of Pakistanis I've never met at any given time. one time i logged on to live and saw a family slaughter a goat that is not a joke i just can't moderate it all yeah it's why are they where are they what's the

i mean i'm sure there's cooking videos but that seems like a really unnecessary part of it yeah it's got all your cheery music you know it's family content this is what we're up to on a sunday good for them good for them uh yeah do that uh involve their neighborhood association sure it would be a good like we're assuming they have a home yeah get signs get a billboard short billboards three billboards their ass sure the three billboards are just like my son sucks exclamation point what's this 37 year old had to ask for permission for up to this point Yeah, that's a good question. I guess, like, I wonder if they don't like his fiancée.

Because I'm wondering, like, is this, like, a super rich family that, like, he's, you know, diluting the bloodline? I see. There's money on the line. Something that gets you involved on a personal level. Father wouldn't have approved before he hired that hitman. He's a brunette, say no more. you can't be having that that's going to ruin the line now this is a quora troll they got paid the

big bucks to put this here because the core users they get distracted easily by these questions they do and they can't uh i don't know congregate and wonder about black january 6th how it will take over the country um here here's one jason barth says what is wrong with you are you afraid that now he isn't on your tit the milk will dry up he's 37 come on shut the fuck up and probably don't vote either because parents like you are why the younger generation are worthless and helpless you leave my tit out of it that guy closed his laptop right after boom fuck off i'm starting to feel bad for her at this point someone's got no more milk flick a cigarette into the yard

I'll play along this guy says I have a 900 year old daughter who got pregnant without my permission he's the mummy he's a vampire I guess the answer is just that you gotta calm down or do the

only fans thing everyone's just like how dare you Beth says wow lady you are truly a juvenile bitch and beth is a non-theoretical sexologist you can see her boobs if you want let me guess how much milk is in your tit um open polyamorous relationship with my 20 year old twins beth's profile is out of control all right hi i'm beth i'm 51 years old bisexual with two adult kids who both live at home they are a boy james and a girl april they are 20 year old twins we are nudists and are in an open polyamorous relationship together beth is an

equally real person to the one asking the son question it's curious just falling apart now i'm uh i'm not gonna go into it but she does uh moderate a space called beth school of incest i regretfully hit the book i want this to be an informative space for those new to the lifestyle and old. Thanks, Beth. Nobody polices this, Keora, huh? Nope, just us. Who is moderating Beth's sexy corner?

Yeah, who questions the questioners? That's us. Beth is a real scary place to be. Let's go back. Beth's corner here. What time are we at right now? We have been recording for one hour. We have one more question.

just one more I nailed it this week just the right amount of questions this is Corrigan Wild our animal segment oh shit oh fuck

we're a sound effect podcast scary bet you thought a lion was in the room that couldn't be farther from the camera in this fancy place police lions

the skinwalkers they're back transformed into a lion that's a cop I don't know why it's a last minute show a lot of decisions bring them all back uh this question is can war elephants distinguish between allies and enemies their final question not funny maybe just more interesting i want to know i want

to know if skinwalkers could be animals but with outfits on sorry for that no that's a different question i know i came up with lion cops and i wanted to like have a fun outfit didn't you get in trouble for this alex for responding to a tiktok video of like a dog putting on pants yeah i did and it got like two views for a year and then randomly i stopped using tiktok i checked back in it's like a 50 000 people yelling at me for not identifying a skinwalker properly but i think they can put on little outfits and i have a suspicion about winnie the pooh oh he could be a skinwalker you explain it original emo skinwalker he talks to my son i can't see him you're not a christian stay away from my son oh yeah about these war elephants war elephants this

is just something i've wondered my entire life there's one answer and uh it's a long one this guy says very hard to say but historically speaking no okay i'm gonna shoot my shot here and assume this is like the one extremely informed person on Quora because you do get those sometimes. Do elephants go to... Oh, they're saying like people... I was thinking elephants warring with each other,

but it's like a Hannibal situation. Hannibal or Lord of the Rings. Sure, those are the two. What is Legolas' right to kill it? Write in. It's crack.com. Yeah, so I guess the question is like Hannibal's going over the mountains.

He's got a bunch of elephants and he's just like... The elephants are just swinging. Yeah, they must just be going wild over there i don't know how you like trained an elephant sure you just put the mask on and then you're like you know what team you're on yeah you just point it yeah yeah you point it it goes forward it's like a yeah it's a driverless tank you just hit it hits things with his trunk if you're like around at that time and you've never seen an elephant before that's like a kaiju to you

like you think it's godzilla coming over the mountain also what have you done to the elephant to get it to obey you and you're gonna give it a chance to be like oh fuck this yeah you haven't negotiated with it elephants going it's a thing i feel like they used them once and then the story got blown out of sure like in reality like all right no more with the elephants that didn't work that went sideways from the get-go let's stick with swords yeah it's just gonna be us all right anything is safe in a brainstorm but we are not doing these again you know we whipped them uh just to obey us they gave up right away the one guy whose idea was just like i just thought would be cool there are several incidences where elephants have turned out to be more than a handful

for the enemies sure i i don't want to read this whole thing because it's a log and no read it all all right the first battle of panapat it was the year 1526 when the army of mongol prince babur met fierce battle took place over the battles on one of the more interesting developments in terms of usage is a history podcast yeah uh the usage of cannons not only accounted for soldiers but when elephants heard the sound of firing they became terrified and ran out of control i would feel so bad if i shot an elephant with a cannon i would never forgive myself well the elephants turned around and killed all their own soldiers they trampled they're right as is they're right i just want to know if they really the child armies you'd be unleashing upon oh no this guy was just

looking for peanuts one day um so the answer is no elephants will just run around and kill everybody okay war is hell war is hell that's the theme every week um the the guy answers it with so i guess war elephants are like other weapons quote they were just built for the kill without any real sense of who to kill i'm always saying this about elephants i'm always saying this They're just built for the kill. They're giant herbivores. The only reason they're on this earth. They do handshakes with their snouts.

They're like, they're kaijus. They're caterpillars. There is one more answer that just says no. Okay, yeah, no. There's somebody that's seen an elephant paint something with its trunk. This is woke culture gone too far. These things were built for killing. First George Bush, now elephants.

This one's taking interest in the bongos over here. It's an elephant that paints the Roman soldiers it killed. That's how he handles his PTSD. You're going to act like we're just going to forget. We're going to forget the things you did. All right, that's the show. That's it. We got to ask a question.

What was the question we wanted to ask? Rob wrote it down. Rob wrote it down. It's all good. Is that abortion? Just stand your ground lawfully. Oh, yeah. Why doesn't stand your ground apply to abortions?

Shouldn't stand your ground qualify for abortions or something like that? Sure, let's do it. Clean that up. Type that up. That's the show. That's going to make everybody really mad. I can't wait to check in next week. Anytime.

Kyle, thank you so much for coming on, Corators. It's been a thrill having you. Where can our listeners find you at home and abroad? Oh, I'm usually just training my war elephants. Oh, just Kyle Kinane on all the stuff. That's my name. I managed to get it on all the things. Just type his name in.

You'll find me on stuff. You'll find him. He's searchable. You're probably on YouTube right now. I love promoting. There's nothing better. Well, that's it for us. We have bonus episodes every Thursday on Patreon where we do things like read Reddit.

If you are sick of this. but are kind of into the concept uh yeah and we're back on cracked every week so in the meantime uh we're gonna have to ask you to question everything bye-bye