Quorators - Pushing The Limit w/ David Cross

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Why do dads think it's okay to mash up full frontal hugs with their daughters? Is it okay to pee in the bed when you stay in a hotel? Is boxing allowed in heaven? Get even more Quorators when you support the show @ http://patreon.com/quorators Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show @ youtube.com/@quorators

oh hush little child you're back on quarators america's favorite quora-based podcast you're here with alex and jeremy hello how's it going hush little child hush 6 a.m on a monday morning listening to Quorators, an explicit podcast. There's thunder outside. Don't be afraid. We got a hell of a show for you this week. All the way from the Senses Working Overtime podcast, we have a man at arms and a man about town, David Cross.

David? Hello. Hi. Hi. Thanks for coming over. You got it. So as America's premier Quora-based podcast every week, and we did talk about this before,

but we're just going to go on Quora and see what the average American is thinking about and up to every day. Have you spent any time on Quora? I don't think so. I might have. I'm somewhat familiar with it. It's like Reddit, right?

Yeah. It's similar, but worse. It's kind of worse. Why is it worse? I think structurally. So they take, you can see the setup of the website is very much that they, someone said, I want to make a Reddit,

but with Facebook attributes. And so on every single post, there's a profile where the person says actively where they are working, their work history, and usually just like their address and stuff about them. So just why would that be important to people? I don't know, but we like reading it. When someone says like a fetish that they have and then we could see like they live in Oklahoma, it's like kind of funny to us. So it's still they're asking questions and people are giving answers. That's right. It's like a forum, I guess, where other people can chime in.

And does it devolve like so many of those, like, fuck monkeyman63, he doesn't know what he's talking about. A little bit, yeah. There's a little bit of that. The main thing that makes it, I think, have a simpler style than Reddit is in Reddit you'll ask a question and then you'll click on the question and it will explain more what they meant. And Quora does not have the second part.

It just says, like, is it okay, I'm afraid? and there's no more info and you just tell them wait literally the question would be is it okay i'm afraid it might be i mean i made that one up but i think we'll probably we have worse ones for you that will be doing why would somebody go why would uh why did you go on there yes why did i go on there um aside for uh using it as a content mill which is admittedly i'm gonna admit that's like the main reason i'm on there people end up there uh on quora a lot because they're sick and they've searched something like oh if my throat hurts does that mean i have covid and then some guy who like makes a a barbie doll feet at a factory is like yeah you're dying and you're

like oh no yeah it would be like a retired cop who's like well i've killed 10 people and you're like that's not relevant at all this is the main thing you need to prepare for is people not answering the initial question so so it sounds like it's not only a complete waste of time but actually a lot of dangerous misinformation you get it you're totally caught up all right there's also like thousands of um what is it like christians trying to convert atheists by creating scenarios where you interact with a christian baby who threatens to kill themselves and as you convert so it'll be like wait what it'll be like imagine you're skydiving with a christian baby and the baby says this is a this is a hypothetical we're asking you to imagine yeah yeah but you're

an atheist so you're like i don't yeah you're like i don't care but it's usually like a talking baby will be like i will kill myself now i'm not going to take out my parachute unless you convert what do you do then why don't you just uh humor these people go oh i'll convert and then let them have be happy and then go on your way it's 50 50 on that yeah i mean already you're skydiving with a baby so you're an unhinged i mean i do that anyway i've probably gone and they do tell you not to well you gotta smuggle it on what's in that bag yeah nobody's checking bags part of the of the parachute you know the where so you have the two parachutes you have the main one and then the front you have the reserve emergency one take out that parachute put in a baby then

I don't say this about all of our guests. And use the baby as a parachute. But you are maybe our first guest who I could see maybe having actually been skydiving before. I have. I've been skydiving. You have. And that's why you know about the baby pouch?

Yeah. Okay. I can't wait to go. But we're a little deep here. We're going to start with our first segment we do before we get into the Quoras. Do you think people are upset right now going, get to the Quora stuff.

What is this guy talking about? They're upset about it. I don't have time for this shit. They're upset about it every week. Two minutes already. Get me a question. Come on, come on. I need answers.

We, of course, have to start with our cynical ploy to attract new listeners on YouTube, and that is, of course, with our advice segment, Tips for Non-Binary People. Tips for them. Tips for them. That's wonderful. David, do you have any tips for non-binary people today? Yeah, sure. I mean, so many.

Definitely start with oat milk. Then if they don't have oat milk, ask. If they have almond milk, if they don't, then you can go to regular milk. Try to keep it at 2%. If not, whole milk is fine, in a pinch. Also, when you're going forward, start right foot, left foot. It doesn't matter whether you're right-handed or left-handed. Start with your right foot, then go to your left foot,

and then proceed accordingly. But just don't start with your left foot. Start with your right foot. That's interesting. Yeah, and then what you want to do is you want to straddle the bike and stand over it, and then you loosen the seat, and you get it up to where your knee is just bending. That's how far.

So when you get to the pedal, you don't want your leg to be straight. You don't want it to be a 45-degree angle, just bending. I could use this advice personally, the bike seat one. i i get this wrong a lot and you paid the price on your knees and and well on your on your little butt as well yeah well that's uh i mean that's just take the time loosen the seat thing raise it to where you are to where to where you're comfortable you're just spending a little bit and then you'll have a really nice ride i'll be editing this later so i'll like cut this out so i can you know have it for myself um but you can have it for yourself and then also share it with

others yeah it's not gonna affect whether you you're not even non-binary no but it's also for non-binary people but it's i might borrow it okay my tip was gonna be if there's a lightning storm and you're outside you need to move away from the tallest object it's a good one we did a lot of earthquake facts last week so i thought we would get lightning storms you don't get as many on the east coast all right well those have been the tip segment and we're ready to jump right into this thing so we like to end and begin the show by asking a question to quora to engage with the people in uh their their home environment and what was our question last week jerry asked quora could you honestly seduce and make love to bigfoot oh hell no did we get any answers on those i think

we only got answers from our listeners so no that's fair enough um i guess we can just answer the question ourselves uh honestly i don't think i could you personally i don't think i could personally if you could find bigfoot do you think you could seduce bigfoot i don't know bigfoot's nature and he may have amorous feelings towards me but i wouldn't be able to rouse them sure right like short of like a bugs bunny you don't know what his interests are yeah well i don't know anything about the guy people you're going for the male bigfoot i guess So that scenario, how many, I mean, some people think Bigfoot's a woman. Our guest last week yelled at me for even suggesting that,

that Bigfoot could be a woman. Well, there is no Bigfoot. Fair enough. I mean, it's a divisive topic to be sure, but if there were one, I don't think I could make him hard. Why don't you ask Cora if there's such a thing as Bigfoot? We can do that at the end of the episode when we type up the question, but I think that we can stay on Bigfoot as a topic

until we get the answers we're looking for. As a reminder to our listeners, if you are going to write in on our question, please be sure to put the word scrambled eggs somewhere in there, and that way we know you're a fucking fraud. You came from our show. You're not a real guy.

Okay, let's read some questions from other people. We'll already get into it. Today's theme is, and Jeremy picked this one, but I think it's really great. It's pushing the limit. Oh, baby! Sure. Pushing the limit.

We kind of just find a bunch of questions and then we go, I don't know, pushing the limit. You've got to make them fit together. You're aggregating questions that you found and putting them in a little envelope or something.

We're curating for us. I mailed them to myself so I can prove that I thought of them before. Alright, let's do it. We found a bunch of parenting questions for you because we know your new special is about fatherhood. That's enough.

This is the querenting segment. Okay, so this question is, my daughter has been listening to female rap. What should I do? Now, female rap, that's less popular than male rap. Is that correct? Is that wrong to say? I think that's okay to say.

I wonder if that's the issue with this specific parenting question. I think the fact that they say female shows a level of respect and they're not sexist in a sense. It's not about that. Approaching it as a biologist. Yeah, anthropologist maybe. I mean, my advice is just turn it up.

Let's get the jams going. Yeah, I guess we don't know if this person is against it. They could be saying, how do I encourage female rap? You got to show them the greats. Pull out your old Missy Elliott tapes and tell them where it all came from.

I'm trying to see if there's... Well, let's go back to Shantae... Sean... You got to tell me, because I don't know. Roxanne Shantae. Roxanne Shantae. Is it Shantae, Chantel? Roxanne.

I don't know. We definitely know it's Roxanne. UTFO did their... It's a great story. Look, if this is your daughter, you can really figure it out together with her yeah you don't know and she doesn't a journey you go on jeremy has pulled up roxanne is maybe one of the hits you could start with yeah the whole story about going back and forth

there's a movie roxanne roxanne 2017 i want to be your man is this hitting with you well i'm not a daughter do you like that so it doesn't matter what i think it has no legacy i can listen to female rap as much as i want now i'm assuming the answers on this are not racist at all uh sure there's one guy who says uh depends on what female rap if it's cardi b megan the stallion doja cat nikki minaj you have a huge problem on your hands i don't even know why that would be bad in what case what's gonna happen because she's gonna be blowing a lot of guys oh Oh, it's a sexual awakening. Oh, I see.

But if she's listening to more like lo-fi, more like head-banging rap, you may be okay. There's no like female Lin-Manuel Miranda, I don't think, for this guy to imagine his daughter. Is it a shoegaze? Shoegaze isn't even rap. I don't know if there's any crossover, maybe. Maybe. Okay. Any other good answers?

Evie Prince, who lives in Detroit from 2003 to present, says, Dude, it makes women feel confident and empowered. You could let her listen to it, or you could make her stop, get into an argument, and then she'll probably keep listening to it. Being a strict parent only causes your kids to lie more. You're welcome. Uh-huh, honey. Thank you for saying that.

That guy's right. That guy's totally right. And I see that she kind of has a sexual cartoon as her image. I think it's from, it's Cleopatra. Cleopatra. From Clone High. a historical sex icon what an exciting find um i couldn't find the person who asked this question unfortunately i was trying to right also part of the way that the website's badly designed is uh

not only will they show you answers to other questions in the middle of your thread kind of throwing you off the trail but the only way to find that i don't the guy who owns quora is also heavily invested in AI. And so they just like try stuff out on here and just let the robots run wild. And it has very chaotic results. But the other thing is you can't even find the person who wrote it

unless you go to the thread history and scroll all the way down to the bottom and find the first input. So if it's a popular thing, you may never know who asked, can my daughter listen to female rap? Oh, now I'm figuring it out. maybe she was just born or about to be born.

He knows the sex of the baby and doesn't know if she can hear or not. She might be deaf. She might be born deaf. Oh, that's what it's about. He just got specific with the type of music and just saying music in particular. Okay, that makes more sense.

Raps is a placeholder for music at large. So you think the daughter is deaf? I think this person who wrote that thinks, is worried that his daughter may be deaf. Maybe she's like and again, he knows the sex of the baby and maybe it's only seven months just in the gestation

period at this point. So that's what he's asking. Post-ultrasound situation. They're just playing Cardi B up to his wife's pregnant belly. In that case, I guess what you could do is be there for your wife. I don't think they're married. They're

going to have the kid and they're uh they've got a strong relationship but they're just when one you know one of those couples are like we don't need to get married soon right yeah like a like a david bowie thing like you have a lifelong partner famously like david bowie pretty much yeah when david bowie's daughter i was gonna say like iman but yeah yeah i mean if you want to go that way yeah six of one half dozen of the other i think uh well this has been instructed from a parenting point of view I'm sorry. A half dozen is six.

Really? That can't be the case. So when you say six to one, half dozen, it's like saying, you know, it's like either or. This is something I've, I mean, I've just been saying it for years, so I've never really like looked into this, but. Because a half dozen is six. So when you say six to one. How much is a dozen?

Uh. Is this 12? Hang on. No. Are you joking? This is like a bacon. Oh. A baker's dozen is 13.

I get them mixed up. I get them mixed up. I don't know how much of this is a bit, but I'm into it. I've lost track of where we are. 22. Half? 22. Okay, cool.

It's 22. We must move on now because there's too many parents waiting. Half of a dozen is either 6 or 16. It is both. This is the thing. And I told you this before, but I do not like doing math on the show because it really highlights a weakness I have. and I don't think

of it that way because like I kind of I don't know I was kind of like a stem whiz okay the number's changing a lot guys

a lot we're live on a recorded podcast that's right we can't edit it 21 it'd be funny

if we just cut the whole bit I'll say that your iced coffee is slid so there must be water you don't want it there's water

underneath yeah put it on the ground Jeremy knocked over a large glass of water before the show started and I'm not letting him get away with it he slapped david's water out of his i really did i need it he's asserting like i was captain falcon

uh well we have more tips for parents here okay here's another uh question why do dads think it's okay to mash up full frontal hugs with their daughters so this question confused me what why do dads think it's okay to mash up full frontal hugs with their daughters mash up like a musical mashup what does that mean i i think like jam them just keep doing them mash them up unfortunately is that wrong like that's what i thought that meant oh i thought it was like uh oh you mean wait they're saying hug too i think they're saying hug too hard you're you're full frontal by the way yeah with your full all the way front frontal hugs and you know what and this is like this is a male perspective i can't believe that these are serious i'm being serious here this

is so at this point we're making fun of people who are already making fun of it i don't think this one's a joke i don't think that's a joke i don't know i think people do are creepy weirdos out there who are imagining scenarios with full frontal hugs or whatever you think this is an incel i think it's either an incel or like i don't even know what just like i think everyone is so scared of like um hugs well i was gonna say like conservatives are all so scared of like the pedophile leagues that they're like i don't know they're like dads are out there being creeps there's la sickos out there doing full frontal hugs that is um my read on this was it was like a tiktok teen who was like uh you know maybe like a young woman who's like dads

are always full frontal hugging me when i'm live at the track oh that could have been written by the girl yeah that's kind of how i was seeing it yeah yeah sure um kind of just like i thought it That was like a, you know, weird repressed Christian thing. Sure. That is also a possibility, and we'll never know which of these it is, because, again, there is no clarification of what the question is. I'm trying to find just the name of the person. I mean this podcast.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think so. I learn a lot on the show. Learn that shit about how much a dozen is a moment ago? I just have that. That thing about the bike seat? I don't know. I feel like any comedy podcast is probably a waste of time to some degree.

Oh, yeah, in terms of raw productivity, for sure. If you could be learning a second language. But what else would we be doing at this point in our lives in our 30s? We don't have skills. I've been learning Japanese for around four years. And if I replaced all of the time I've spent listening to comedy bang-bang or something, you're still in the dozen? Yeah.

I shouldn't have brought it up again. I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm trying to think of how many guys are in the dirty dozen. Oh, that could be so many, though. Could be so many guys. First of all, how many dirty guys in a room before it's too many? That's my question. Sounds like 13.

If one of them's a baker. Full room. Full goddamn, yeah, nasty baker. Old dirty dozen bastard. He's always having you smell his finger, and then he makes you bread with it. Classic. My new character. Porny baker.

The nasty baker. killing spree really good stuff hey that killing spree from halo yes uh i don't know if you've i don't know if it's like this uh anymore i i moved out of the east village 12 years ago 13 years ago but remember the when the whole foods first opened up on houston oh yes so and they would have the stand in line and then they would go you know register for and the voice would say Register 2, Register 11. Oh, yes, I do remember that. Register 18, for whatever reason,

and I'm not making this up, the same guy, same voice, Register 9, and then he'd go, Register 18. It always reminded me of the killing spree in Halo. The Mortal Kombat guy's out of work. Smallest victory. We got some new sounds just for today.

I've been waiting to shoot this baby off. Register 18. Kilimanjaro. Yeah, I got a new guy to do the cashier noises. Quit it now! Alex is very excited about his new sound effects. Do you have sound effects on your podcast, David? Nope.

It's a nightmare. I don't remember where any of them are. Yeah, we press the wrong ones a lot, so it is hard. It is hard work. I'll tell you this. I didn't think that was Zach DeLaRocca when I hit it. I find them unnecessary because my podcast is, you know, informative and entertaining without...

Oh, I see. I don't have the crutch. I don't have the crutch. You don't need the cheap tricks. FM radio. I understand. No, we got to do voices. We need the sounds.

I need... Anything to get us over an hour. You tell them, butt! Hit the... Put your George W. Read my lips. No more taxes. Now, I don't know when that's going to come up, but...

I would have cut it off at read my lips. Sure. cut it off cut off the no new taxes i mean as a performer though you hear that pop you hear that they're going wild for that yeah and then he uh was one-term president because he raised their taxes he did and so that maybe was an error the responsible thing to do and people don't like responsibility it was it's a it's a shame how sometimes life gets in the way like that but you got to admit when he was live on set and he was he was performing for that sold out show presidential speech uh yeah sure yeah that was the best move you could do was to make

something up that wasn't true later yeah you yeah you find that in politics it's one of the big ones it's a pretty cool move um i would like to read some answers on the full frontal hugs because i think that we have an opportunity to learn here this from four years ago by the way i was just gonna say real quick on george hw which i'm realizing that i've heard you talk about it so times just because there's a song i i like a lot that uses a stand-up clip of yours as like the beginning of it it's kind of a it's an old bomb the music industry song from like 15 years ago but it's just like i don't know if it's it's weird to think that like not that i do but like do they have an hw bush voices album or something no they just have a song where they have a david

cross george hw bit at the beginning all right my desert storm track what uh what uh god i don't even know that i did any i think it was it could have been it could have been uh george bush the younger maybe it was and who what's the name of the group on the music industry i remember being something about like you know he's the head of the cia and you're like rattling off oh yeah yeah that was because he was yeah all right boy that must be old old but so full of soul register 18 you could be in so many punk songs you don't know about that's true my wife told me this morning You're the voice at the beginning of Check It Out, the Beastie Boys song. The Beastie Boys, yeah.

Because that does not sound like you even a little bit. No. I ran that back. That's from Joe Frank. I did a bunch of stuff with Joe Frank back in the day, and that was from... Yeah, they chopped and screwed you up, David. No, that's... You sound funky.

I totally gave them permission. Yeah. No, I'm not implying they stole it. The music industry stole it from an album. And that's not right. You could hear the hissing of the free trial on there as they're recording it on that album. So it's not like the whole thing is stolen. In the middle it goes, preview.

It's just Jeff Rosenstock playing an instrument into a laptop. It actually says Getty Images. Yeah, exactly. Okay, sorry. Full frontal hugs. Please, with daughters. When my daughter was 30 seconds old, the doctor had what I thought was an odd thought. She told me to disrobe from the waist up and hold my daughter to the skin of my chest as fast as possible.

Little did I know at the time this was called kangaroo care. I've held my daughter and my subsequent son their entire lives as closely as possible. It's just people saying they hug their kids. Can I say kangaroo care sounds like a slur for this word? It does. We're not going to that doctor and getting kangaroo care. This is the fruit of my loins. The implication from that answer is like, why do I give my daughter full frontal hugs?

I love her so much. Sure, yeah. But it's a mean thing to say to your Australian dad. crikey you fucking kangaroo um i'm trying to find anything that's a weird answer most people are just like you're weird and creepy fatherhood is the greatest journey i've ever been on thank you for asking uh well they did ask why yeah and that's why because they love you so much some guy says personally i don't give full frontal hugs to my daughters just because It's just half frontal.

Yeah. What does that mean? A side hug. Isn't it worse if it's behind the back? Where are your hands going? Are you doing a lot of spooning? Okay, no, read the rest of this answer, please. Just because of the fact that they have boobs,

I don't want it pressing against my body, even if it's not sexual. It's uncomfortable to me and my daughters. I only hug my wife and sons like that. My daughters I hug, but it's more of a side hug. And you can explain to your daughter, it's because you have boobs. So I do think these are real people.

weird this guy is probably really thinking like you could probably convince this guy though not to even hug his son because it's like gay or something like that's the way it's written is like uh pause yeah it's about the nipples it's not about how big the tit is yeah you can't you shouldn't go be touching your and then not even your wife in front of your children it's messed up i should stay in a box when you're around your children or wife you should be in a cardboard box it's a good way to like not have to be a good parent it's just like i i shouldn't even hands off hey i'm not touching you want me to help you with the kid what are you fucking pedophile i went nowhere near her you gotta you gotta hire somebody to hug him for you yeah there we go

that's honey the hugger's here open the door downstairs the hugger's here and thanks for coming over the last guy was weird you seem okay the last professional my daughter's downstairs yeah people are giving away for free sometimes i see him signs union square often has uh amateur hug amateur hugger people trying to cut their teeth out there's somebody uh the last couple months in union square that is doing like oh god there it's big chalk circles right and it'll say but it'll say something and then the guy writes his like email or web address and then with a registered trademark symbol i'm not kidding i'm not you can't use it so it's like uh you know some dumb sophomoric kind of phrase or whatever

circle of uh of optimism you know whatever circle i swear to god somebody's out there doing it and it's been it's been going on for a couple months and uh and they'll just random you know you show up and it's uh it's usually in days when the market is there but it'll be like big circles with he doesn't show up if there's not a crowd he's here something you know uh chill out area Yeah, and then whatever his fucking handle is or whatever, and then a registered trademark. It's so funny to go up to strangers and be like, have a good day.

By the way, I own that phrase. Don't use that phrase. You cannot wish that. Or as you're walking away from a transaction, they're like, have a nice day, and you're backing up and going, uh-uh, you owe me a dime. They add up.

That's mine. They add up. A lot of people say it. All right, let's do another question. There appeared to be some kind of watercolor painting at the end there, but I think it was unrelated. Okay, this is our last parenting question. Wait, I've got to look at this.

Wait, what's up? The painting's gone. Well, I'm just looking at what it is. What Quora looks like? Yeah. This is what Quora looks like. You have to immediately go to answers because it doesn't start with answers.

It will show you unrelated answers first. And there's hundreds and hundreds of people. Oh, I see. Somebody just... And that's a man breastfeeding. Oh, it's just an illustration of... Oh, you know what we should say? Okay, if you're on the YouTube, I'll put the painting up there.

Thomas Kane, who studied anthropology and mathematical physics, said, because that's totally normal between a father and daughter, and then has an image of what looks like a dying man breastfeeding from a woman. Roman charity, 1612. A daughter lovingly breastfeeds her father in prison who was sentenced to hunger death. Now, that is a bad situation to be in. Which is normal as hell.

I hope to avoid it. Full frontal. I would at least hope to breastfeed for my wife. That's still bad. She's not caring. By that point, I guess, because I'm at the end of my persecuted career in the Marquis de Lafayette's dungeons. But anyway, I think this next question will kind of get around to this other topic we've been talking about, which is... So I guess this is probably a question that, I don't know, we'll decide if it's someone making a joke or not.

It could be a troll. But the question is, is it legal to inject elephant tranquilizers into a baby in the name of Jesus Christ? So the first answer is no. I think probably not legal. In terms of legality, I would say no. Yeah, it's probably against the law. I think that's a made-up troll question. It seems fake.

And I won't abide it on my program. I'm trying to see what the person who asked it is. It's from someone named Odd Duck. Huh. He's asked several questions. And he has a lot of views. He's doing a lot better than our Quora account. One of his other questions is,

are you required to file income from Quora content views on your taxes? Maybe he's getting paid to do it. Okay, yeah. So it's like, how well am I doing? Let's say I'm getting some Quora income. Is that a thing you can get? I don't know. I know you can on Twitter now.

If you have a checkmark on Twitter, you can get paid for engagement, which is why now everyone is kind of just being obnoxious. obnoxious for what is your favorite way to get hurt yeah that kind of stuff yeah like what's the most beautiful woman you've seen well there was like a tweet going around recently that was like um there's too much sex in movies or something and everyone's yelling at him and it's like that guy's just getting paid to say that that's for money yeah wow that just uh another reason not to be on twitter yeah the way the economy works now is unbelievable it's mostly of how many people you made mad on quorum as far as i can tell uh but the fact that you would have to write it off

i mean how many thousands of dollars is that before you qualify you're you're a contract worker yeah sure if you what's the number you got to get over before the tax man gets i think it's it's either like four or six hundred dollars something like that i think i've definitely made not enough money from writing for things where i didn't have to tell anyone that's between you and god um messed up he wants you to do that to those babies though i like this one answer from this guy paul reed says i'm pretty sure it isn't i'm pretty certain it isn't legal to inject tranquilizers into any unrelated species of subsequently lesser size in the name of jesus christ so there you go it does kind of imply that like elephant tranquilizers

are for elephants legally and i'm not sure that holds up there are four elephants no i bet i feel like we've talked about this on the show before but i still can't believe that like when you're a vet if you're especially if you're in like a rural area they're like you're the doctor for cats and also if i have a snake or an elephant when you're a vet you're a vet all the way from your first signal i don't think you could just bring an elephant just get you a lab and you start cooking if you own a circus or something you can't just like have an elephant bring it What do you know? What do you know about owning a circus?

Sounds like it's time for one of your world famous. Slam it. We have a tiger. How about new? There you go. I own that. That's Mike Myers. That's Alex.

He said that. No, trust me. That's me. How about new? I can hear it. It's clear. It was appropriate for Jeremy, though. I think I kind of knocked him down a peg there.

Oh, thank you. That's good. You got to watch this guy. He rides a little high sometimes. I'll just read one more comment from this, because on the flip side, someone says, I don't think so, but girl, you do you. Hey, thanks for writing in. Self-love.

We love that. Okay, let's do our medical segment, QuoraMD. Now, welcome to QuoraMD, the internet's top medical questions. David, as we were talking about before, Quora is kind of a medical resource for much of America when they're in a pinch. And you come across all kinds of strange maladies on there. What do we have today, Jeremy? Yeah, Quora is becoming the number one doctor online, I feel like. If there ever is truly free healthcare in America, it'll ruin our podcast, which would be awful.

For that reason, I pray it doesn't happen. If we ever have socialized healthcare, it'll ruin Quora. Now, I don't really have a doctor, but I still don't want this to occur. This question is, what are the reasons to not suck your own dick? i can but have a feeling i probably shouldn't first of all you can nice it's pretty cool yeah pretty impressive i feel like you should i've heard the way to do this is not leaning down but to kind of like reverse fire it back oh yeah but also at that point it seems pretty uncomfortable to get in there i never would have considered that the the one bit of advice and i

can see why they ask this is uh you don't want to come in your mouth without letting you know sure you're gonna come in your mouth right the respectful nice thing to do is say i'm going i'm about to come you obviously your mouth is full right but you still would know like you know you want to give a little heads up just in case you want to pull up pull out of right i agree with that and bust on your own face and that's traditional dinner etiquette too already talking with your mouth full but always say to yourself oh you like that huh yeah yeah i do so you feel that you should do it as long as you take the proper precautions register 18 oh sorry i turned it down for the music um yeah so one reason is because your mouth is going to be full um i and

this probably doesn't happen too much i would worry about breaking my spine like in a fit of ecstasy just shattering all of the vertebrae in my spine all at once yeah unless we have a spotter who's pushing your legs down for you push it yeah like if you're gonna suck your own dick in the olympics yeah exactly get there yeah work it um yeah what are those people called like rabbits when in like track when they they they pace people and then they drop off because they're not quite good enough that's what i am for for sucking my own dick i can get almost there level yeah but i can't quite i'm like college level um i've always said you suck your own dick like a college athlete yeah i could never go pro because i uh had an injury i broke one of my balls it is

one of those things where it's like and this is a classic frat bro kind of thing to say but like if i could do it bro i'd be so good down there oh yeah you think you'd do a better job i know what i like uh the phrasing of i can but i have a feeling i probably shouldn't this is a top quora question um okay let's see i first of all i think you just should do it but yeah what are you waiting for uh christy 2b says i can't think of a single reason not to if you could if you can do it i used to could do it i could get every inch of it in my mouth too and would suck myself sometimes three or four times a day and would swallow every drop three or four times a day so if you can you're still flexible enough to do it sure this is all one sentence i sure would because no one can suck

your dick as good as you can which is what alex said that is what i said and i stand by it i hope you have a small penis if you're deep throating it jesus yeah yeah every inch if you were like have a like pounder down there and you're sucking yourself off three times a day i don't don't click on the profile there's nothing good here sorry there's nothing good i could probably find out this guy lives in alabama oh so we could visit someone else says what if you swallowed your own sperms could it harm your body sperms plural plural more than one i like that this guy thinks that like i guess either he thinks that swallowing your own sperm is specifically bad or just like anybody who has swallowed cum is like sick now it's like magnets it's like that

it repulses from you because it shouldn't be in there if it gets too close whereas if you have a partner's sperm that shoots that's allowed yeah that's different that's allowed exactly uh another person says i can't think of a single reason not to suck my own dick so there's a no one can think of a reason there's a quorum here other than the fact that i simply can't do it i'm too fat and my dick is too short scrub get good believe me when i tell you that if i could suck my own dick it would be very difficult to get me to stop so maybe that's the reason not to do it it's just you might get severely addicted yeah stay on the core of them yeah yeah you're you're among friends better use of better use of your time i will say i found this guy's name

the guy who asked this question his name david myers so david's out there he has an associate's degree yeah he's asking about what to do he can suck his own dick says here we are a year later and I still haven't found a single reason not to suck my own dick. It sounds like he's narrating. It sounds like he's at the beginning of a Paul Schrader movie, writing in a diary.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to suck my own dick. Long tracking shot to the bathroom. If anything, I've found more reasons to do it. Yeah, I know. I have a lot of free time on my hands. But seriously, I would save so much time and effort because, honestly, I spend a lot of time

searching for someone who will do it for me. So there you go. That's a movement. We're starting a movement today. I can't believe this. I'm surprised so many people can. Nobody has found a single reason. The only reason people have is that they can't.

It's like an Air Bud situation. There's nothing in the book about not sucking yourself off. It's kind of like Air Bud. It's pretty much the plot of Air Bud. I haven't seen it in a while. I'm pretty sure. It is mostly fuzzy to me. Fuzzy, not unlike Air Bud himself.

Check out Air Bud. One guy says if you have an STD, you shouldn't do it, which I guess is fair. Because you could spread herpes to your mouth? Yeah, I guess so. You know who else could suck their own dick? Jesus Christ. That's right. Yeah.

I wish I had a tromp for that. You know, we do have one more space in here. As of this fifth board, I'll have 40 sounds. I'll never find anything I'm looking for again. Yeah, that's a problem. Sure. That's pretty good. Yeah.

That works. That's the sound it makes when I blast. One guy says it might cause back problems later. That's actually a pretty good point. That's probably the most practical answer on that. Okay. All right, let's hear another one. And you said you don't learn anything on here.

I think it's an educational podcast, and that's why it's in that category. Okay. This question is, is it okay to pee in the bed when you stay in a hotel? Now, David, you've stayed in a lot of hotels. You ever pee in that bed? You ever pee in the bed? I will get two rooms just so I can pee in the bed in one room

and then go back to sleep. One dry, one wet? Yeah. That's a good system. Yeah, if you have the arrangements short. Oh, jeez. I just realized I could have saved so much fucking money

by just getting two queen beds and two rooms. Oh, man. That is dumb. It's too late now. Yeah, see, we're all learning stuff here. Oh, you're not done touring. It's kind of a...

Moving forward. Hit that tips for men. You can pee in one bed and then leave that for your opener, and then they stay on that one. That way you're kind of paying off for both of them. And then you've got to... Tips for men! This is also specifically for men, I guess.

This is a great moment, a good opportunity, I think, within the context of what we've been talking about, to mention that I have a big show in Central Park on August 8th, the summer stage. Really? Yeah. Are you doing Shakespeare? Nope, I'm doing, but it's going to be me

and a ton of other people. There's going to be Bob Odenkirk, Sarah Silverman, Fred Armisen, Sean Patton, Zach Zucker. I'm forgetting a couple, but it's going to be an amazing show. August 8th, Central Park, summer stage. big big thing then i'm a peeing question made you think of this yeah and then i'm going on tour in starting in september early ish mid-september shortly after my daughter goes back to school and

uh and you can find out it's going to be about 60 cities and you can find out where and when i'm coming to your town if you go to official davidcross.com all the info's there that's all right that was related to a tour yeah i see the tie in there that's say what you will that's theater yeah uh do we have any answers on the question jeremy have you ever worked in hospitality self-respect get out of the bed and leave yourself while you can someday this will be an issue when you age okay so it doesn't really address whether it's okay or not one person says i understand that this is literally a fetish for some people but no it's not okay uh is that a fetish specifically Peeing in bed

People have a lot of Pee based fetishes You can The craziest shit You can make up Fair There's somebody Yeah

Who's into that Who's got a peeing in bed Rule 34 Yeah It's called Hotel Core Rule 34 Maybe it's even Just like the

Having someone clean it up Smallest victory I love how loud This one is Jesus Christ Combat They knew what they were doing Hey they knew what they were doing

Back there Seriously though You can't pee in these beds Yeah, I don't know. What if that was the slogan or catchphrase for a hotel chain? You cannot pee in these beds. Or the other way around, I guess. The other way around.

Yeah. Peeing free. The hotel you can pee in the bed. Second best Western. You can pee in our beds. Maybe just like a whole fetish hotel. Like, feel free. Go off.

Suck your own dick and then pee in the bed. The triple tree. we pay our our hotel workers the most of anyone it's like a co-op it's a co-op of fetishes i worked for the hotel workers union for a bit in college thank you for your service they would have to unionize that hotel specifically the fetish hotel yeah uh but working rights are um they would they would be under threat if you were in a non-compensated p hotel there is some leeway for accidents uh i'm seeing somewhere in these responses but generally It seems like unless you're tipping heavily, which we did address, you should not pee in the beds.

I can't find it, but a lot of people are referencing, apparently, that someone wrote that it's okay to do because it saves water because you don't have to flush. I guess. Which I feel like is quite the justification. Seems like a leap to me. It's good for the planet. I mean, dune rules. You're losing your water. That's true.

I think you'd lose more water in having to wash the sheets constantly. Oh, my God. That's probably true. Yeah, that's true. It's a lot of holes in that. If it's a four-day stay, you've got to wash your sheets every time. As opposed to just... Because I'm one of those guys, the Do Not Disturb sign goes on the second I check in.

It doesn't come off until I leave, even if I've been there for a week. That makes a lot of sense. And that's on both rooms? Just the one. The other room, I have my own sign that's handled. I made it. Well, I had it designed through Etsy, but it's made... You know what I mean.

It's like my own sign. And it says, come on in. shit the bed please disturb get funky in here all right see moleste uh okay do you want to do some uh religion ones yeah let's move on here okay so we're gonna change tack here but we're still pushing the limit and this isn't our new segment to core religion the fates god's plan what will come up today let's find out okay this question is Is boxing allowed in heaven? Do you think?

Loud. It's encouraged. I'd hope so. If this is your first night in heaven, you have to fight. It's bare knuckle, too. It's old school, like, you know, 1800s. I know. This is one of the rules about heaven is, like, if you're enjoying it, it's up there, baby.

It's up there. As long as you love dishing out some pain. Yeah. But the other person has to also enjoy it, I guess. The tough thing about boxing in heaven is both people kind of win. it's like a rocky situation where you've done your best and that's a win for you i think the people in heaven get to box people who've been sent to hell they send them up for a couple hours and the really truly hellish part is like hey i got i graduated i'm not in hell anymore i'm in

heaven what and then you get sent back down right you get like a big meaty uh heaven guy maybe a virtuous general and they pair him up against a very sinful orphan somebody who's really got it coming and doesn't have a right hook it's nice to just get out of hell for a day though that's part of the then you're sent back so it's like double hell oh kind of like vacation a little bit just getting your your jaw cleaned up there there are so like you run into a lot of uh recurring constituencies on here and one of them are theological scholars for whatever reason do like quora i think because there's a lot of long prompt uh i don't know if we have any of those here i'm trying to see what people are

saying one person says no mental challenges only not the sort of place where one conquers another with a lump on the head no running in the heavens either because you can either know about your position or be utilizing momentum and not know about position i was going to say that about position i've never heard that at all that you can't run in heaven another guy said no because you have no arms which is another thing i haven't heard wait what i guess in like dragon ball z style heaven where you're like a floating little cloud. That guy's famously running a lot. Oh, Goku? Yeah.

Let him keep his body. Okay. Because he's so good at fighting specifically. We cannot talk about Goku today. It's not that kind of show. Yeah, I've never heard that you can't have arms in heaven. That seems like unfair. I love my arms. I think they mean like a gun. Military.

Oh, sure. You can't bear arms. Oh, so then double boxing. Like everyone's boxing to settle disputes. Right. That's the only way to do it. If there's any sort of territorial issue. I love that. We have a lot of gladiatorial prompts on here. And you know who the ref is?

Who is it? Gandhi. That's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I assume he's taking the time to learn the rules while he's up there. Yeah, marquees. What is it?

The old rules of... Of boxing? The marquees of... I do not know this term, but I would love to learn it. Marquee of, you know, whatever. Estenberry. Those are the rules.

They're classical challenges. I like the idea that Gandhi just gets really into watching boxing matches after death. Get him! Knock him out! No one was happier than him about the advent of UFC. Yeah. Finally, legs are in play.

He really likes just the XFL. He doesn't watch any NFL or anything. He loves stomping. He doesn't like that UFC just allowed stomping. Toronto Argonauts. Canadian football. Let me see. One guy says,

in contemplating the intersection of passion and readiness, one finds the potential for experiencing sports. Yet, in the vast expanse of the spiritual realm, possibilities far surpass those of earthly existence,

rendering such occurrences not just possible, but inherently probable. So this is a theological scholar, though. What an asshole that guy is. Fuck you with that kind of answer. Just say yes or no. He has a million Quora views.

Respect on that. Respect on that, chief. That's a lot of Quora. That's pretty good, man. coordinator at universal peace foundation that's one of the top foundations there is conceptually i don't like this guy i don't like that he gave such a wordy answer what's your problem b he studied for years to answer the heaven boxing question i don't feel like i know do you disrespect him i do disrespect him well it's your choice but all right let's read one

more or another one or two this next question is satan is who i was previously in another life Does that mean he is dead, or am I the reincarnation? So this one's a riddle. Sometimes there are riddles. There's a lot of, like, confused, what is it, like, demon-hunting people. Yeah, I mean, there are Satanists, but also, like, witches and stuff like that. A lot of people are asking for, like, witch advice. Yeah, dark magics.

A lot of good, there's, like, you know, a lot of witches will qualify. They're, you know, like, I'm a witch, but I'm a good witch. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the good kind. Okay, so Satan is who I was previously in another life. That's prompt one. People who think about, like, who believe in, like, previous lives,

I feel like always get so, I don't know, confident about who they were before. Yeah, you're never just some fucker, you know? Yeah, you weren't just, like, a serf. Often they will do that. They will say, like, I was a dental assistant in the 20s, And before that, I grew tulips in Holland in the early 19th century. Before that, I definitely was a baker in Sri Lanka. Have you found, though, I feel like somewhere on the list is like,

and I was also Alexander the Great. But then I was shoveling shit for the pharaoh for 70 years until an elephant stepped on me. That was a tough one. uh yeah before that i was lucifer the fallen angel yeah lucifer is a stretch you're not dead in another life and if you believe in what are you talking about i don't know how to even talk to these people you grew up catholic i did and that's why i'm so offended right now this is just spiritually because the thing about satan is he's kind of the goat of sin and so for you to claim

that is like a real mantle for you. It's a high honor. I mean, an evil honor for sure, but still a pretty big one. It's also kind of funny to be a Catholic and believe in reincarnation. Those don't go together, right? Yeah, you can chop and screw it.

If you're writing on Quora. Yeah, fair enough. It's all made up. It's all silly. If you're having the initial psychotic break to write the question, reincarnation is now in play. And given that, I would say so does that mean he is dead

or I am the reincarnation I would say if you were him before that you were the reincarnation I would say a powerful soul like that isn't just switching out there you go there's the answer do with it what you will one of these questions

starts with history lesson sure so that could be a good place history lesson Satan's image and identity was stolen from the highly revered earth god Pan I didn't know that history lesson well every everything was all of christianity is a cobbled together for different prior religions like all of it yeah yeah um i'm trying to think of the name of that movie with um they start by disproving

god and then they go in how into like the fed is a like paul blart yeah it's paul blart it's in the second act of paul blart um really great movie check it out um really funny stuff Pitch Perfect 3. Yeah, you thought they lost it at 2? They're back again. That was mostly about the Fed, I think. I can't believe I'm facing all the names of these movies.

It's killing me. Are you talking about Zeitgeist? Yes! Thank you. Jesus. And we have clarified on the show that does mean time ghost. Yeah, that's right.

In German. Update your Quarator's lore. Get the Wikipedia page updated. Is that true? Zeitgeist means time ghost. Yep. I think like literally, right? As in like what geist is ghost. Yeah, it's a German word.

Zeit is time. Yeah, sometimes Germans just get together and they cook up words. It's kind of like their rhapsody. It's a good word. I don't know why it means zeitgeist. Well, of the time, the thing of the moment. Sure.

And I guess you can look back in a ghostly way, I suppose. of you can look back at the zeitgeist of the times. What do you want to know? It's a word. I like it. I'm on board. Props to the Germans for having come up with it. They deserve your respect.

They came up with schadenfreude, which isn't a word in a lot of languages have, but it's a perfectly good word. They have a lot of them that are just like three words put together, and they're like, new word, sucking your own dick. and it's like, that's just... We also say that. Well, for them, it's a compound word.

Come on now. Alright, well, I'm going to head out. You know what? We walked him an hour in. It's pretty good. Okay, let's do one more question and close out on this. Let's do this last animal one.

Okay, sure. Alright, so we're going to move into our animal segment here, as long as we're learning facts. This is Korrigan. wild okay this is our last question who's the most sexual animal i have to go with rabbits who is the most sex who who is it who it's not me who is the most sexual animal yeah i'm normal richard gear yeah it's even some rock and roll guy probably yeah this is like written in the in the parlance of like a children's book where it's like what does the cow say who is the most sexual animal

Can you find the most sexual animal? It is the bunny. That's right. It's Slash. He pops out of the book. Yeah. Could be good. Could be good.

If you were going to go for what is the most sexual animal, I'd still say man. Yeah, that's probably true. Thank you for backing me up on that. I agree. I'm going to go with mayfly. Okay. Do they mate a lot? Are they like the bonobos of flies?

I have no idea. But the way they do it. There's an answer here that says it's not animal, but apart from humans, dolphins is most sexual. Dolphins is most sexual. And not an edible. Dolphins is most sexual. Who is most sexual animal?

Dolphins is the sexual. Thank you for asking. I have to answer. It's dolphins. Not an animal, but it is dolphins. They're wrong for this one. Hey, man, who's the most sexual animal? Oh, man, dolphins is.

Uh-huh, honey. They go on to say every animal or creature has a particular time to have sex, but dolphins are just like human beings. They have sex whenever they want. I can't help but notice that even in the dolphins answer, we're shouting out humans, which does kind of back up my thing. Who is the rapiest animal? It's true.

Dolphins do. Dolphins is a rapiest. They're up there. They're certainly up there. They don't like consent. They understand it, and they disagree. Nikhil Sharma says not peacocks, apparently. I think that's actually true, right?

They have trouble mating, I think. Written kind of in a disappointing tone. This is a guy who tried to fuck a peacock. Well, take it from me, peacocks don't like sex. Bunch of prudes. I will not make that mistake again. Not an expert, but I have tried to fuck one peacock. Somebody wrote like 2,000 words.

Yeah, this guy, Kevin Thompson, said, are you talking about simply having sex slash are you talking about being the most overtly obvious about sex, or are you talking about making offspring, and then he just keeps going? What a waste of fucking time. What do you want to know? Answer the question.

The fucking question, the answers, taking the time, this podcast, everything is just monumental. I respectfully disagree. I learned so much today. What do you think we should be doing? Both of you? Yeah. Volunteer work. Soup kitchen. Okay, that could be

helpful and then we ask them the questions yes you do a podcast with them you ask them the questions but you're serving soup do you want soup or not just say one animal should soup be cold what's the most sexual soup don't say clam chowder or matzo balls all right well i think that's enough for this episode it's time for my nap yeah i am gonna take off let's close this down david thanks so much for coming on the show where can our listeners find you at home and abroad uh my address is uh go to officialdavidcross.com what what was that oh it says quarry doors at the end a robot did that nice ai i know a robot official davidcross.com will have all my appearances i got a couple in new york

big show august 8th summer stage central park i go out start on tour in mid-september a lot of america some canada some europe all right cool be sure to check that out uh you never know what kind of hotel accommodations david will have on this tour um if you would like some more of our show every thursday we have bonus episodes on patreon.com slash quarators where we go on other websites uh last week we went on blind which was quora but for business people it was really upsetting yeah it's pretty bad uh we've been on next door reddit go check that out uh we do have to end with a question which we decided at the beginning would be about bigfoot what do you want to ask you have a quick question you want to ask quora oh um i know we were jamming just does

bigfoot exist which is a like great place to start um i'm trying to think of something that will bait people. Sure, yeah, yeah. How old is Bigfoot? Okay. People will take that seriously and with a 2,000 word. Yeah, I think so.

About a thing that doesn't really exist. There are a lot of people who specialize in this kind of thing on here, so I'm looking forward to it. All right, that's going to be us for this week. Until next week, question everything.