Quorators - Snakes Have Poison, But Do They Know It? w/ Tommy Bayer

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: If Miley Cyrus really made out with an alien would she die from toxic shock? What would you say if your 25 year old daughter came home with purple hair? My neighbor has hidden cameras pointed at my bedroom windows and backyard and front yard. I can't see them but I feel I am being watched. What can I do? I feel violated. What legal actions can I take? ----- Check out Tommy's podcast We Cool? @ https://wecool.buzzsprout.com/ Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@quorators Listen to Alex's audio drama series Theater of Delights  https://soundcloud.com/theaterofdelights/sets/season-5-gran-nidorino

All right, no one answered. Okay, cool. Okay. Well, that's too bad. We didn't get an entire task force on that question we asked an hour ago, but that's going to happen sometimes. All right, I'm going to the sound and we're starting the show and we begin. Quarators now. We have a sound for it. You guys have... It's a big production. I didn't see it coming.

Quarators. That's you. That's your voice. i'm fishing uh that is my voice how could you tell wait how did you know no one's known that before cut this out dude we got pretty legit podcast we got sounds what does this one do i don't even know that's the quoker hold on we're gonna get there don't rush that yeah anyway no it's not my voice and i paid a robot all the fucking money i got dude all the robots are taking your voice jobs They're changing my voice jobs. They're sounding like me, and they're saying the word Quora Raiders.

And that's the show, by the way. Welcome to Quora Raiders. They're here for another week. It's Alex and Jeremy. How's it going? Hey, what's up? We have a very exciting guest for you today. Also, the podcast is the only podcast where we ask, what is Quora?

Yeah, it's the only Quora podcast. It's the only one that exists. No one's ever thought to do an internet podcast. No one has found many websites before, and we're the only ones who have stumbled on some of them. We've dug them up. we'll get into Quarator's origins we have a very

special guest and this this fellow is all the way from Ha Ha Tropolis that's right New York City

another comedian coming down to visit the show we have Tommy Bayer on the show welcome to the show Tommy thank you

thank you for having me the only podcast which is my understanding that asks the question the internet's a little weird yeah we're the only ones who ask that

no one noticed it before Let's talk about how the internet gets a little weird sometimes. People are like, you know, the internet's so normal all the time. I try to read the thing. Not really. I try to read the thing like a damn phone book. I can't get any information out of it. It's a silly, silly place.

Now, Tommy, you were saying you've never been on Quora.com. Well, like maybe, like if, I don't know, maybe I've been on, I don't know, not really. You've never gone to your URL. I've never, yeah, I've never like. And typed in Quora. I've never been like, I got to get on Quora. You don't have it bookmarked. Yeah.

Maybe if I had like a rash, you know, you go on like WebMD and then like the third one down is Quora. Right. Right. And then you're like, what's going on with my rash? This is most people's experience with Quora. Yeah. And.

Is it? No. Everyone we ask on here is like, they told me I was sick, but I'm not. Yeah. WebMD is always like, you're, you're either like, it's like, it's you're sick. Drink water. get rest and then or it's like you're you're dead yeah you've actually been dead you have cancer you've actually been dead you don't actually don't exist you've been dead for 12 years yeah

you're in hell yeah and you're like oh that's a bummer everything you read on the internet about medical knowledge is like oh uh your freckle seems like it's normal but it's actually a growth that will slowly kill you and then any doctor you ask about like 90 of the things that happen on your body are like yeah you can actually grow a lump two inches tall and that's fine yeah that's normal that happens to most people yeah you fat as hell that's what that's what having health insurance is it's going to see a guy who makes a million dollars to be like you fat oh my god dog you're fat as shit shaking a banana yeah holding a holding a cheeseburger like you you can't have this even though you want it you love these so much you love these you love holding a cheeseburger

and a beer and it's like you gotta quit this stuff you're gonna watch me have it i'm gonna because i'm a doctor i have the money to get this sucked out later and that's why we say on corridors don't go to a doctor do not figure it out on your own the doctor's so dumb they're liars they'll they'll lie to you i'm only saying that because i don't have health insurance once i do get that stuff it's good oh yeah that's why i got married that's why you get married straight up You got to marry. Everyone knows once you get married, the government gives you marriage, health. Yeah.

It's good. Having a normal wife with a job. Well, what you do is you bring your wife into the hospital, and then a lot of people lower their paper. This man's got a wife. What a beautiful woman. Right this way. I didn't realize you were with Little Miss Thing over here. The doctors go, awooga.

Yeah. They go boing, boing, boing with their eyes. Their eyes pop out of their head, and then they actually see a dangerous growth on your body because there's nothing good. It's dope. I was looking for the boing, but I don't know where it is. I lost track of the boing. Jeremy, how long have you been married? A little less than a year.

I asked the questions. Okay. I got married in August. Oh, nice. Congrats. Thank you. He's a little green in the end. Yeah, yeah.

You should ask him to open up for your wedding. Sorry, that was the thing we were talking about before. Yeah. I had a comedian bed. I didn't want to administrate my wedding. And he did a lot of crowd work. He is a crowd work comic. The lady, and by ladies, I mean grandmas loved it.

They were very into being crowd worked at a wedding. Grandmas love getting crowd worked. They are never swiping is the thing about them. They don't know what that is. Well, you should have clipped that for reels. Oh, yeah. Grandmas getting crowd worked so hard. We'll work it in there.

Get that on Ben's Instagram. Jeremy's pretty good at digging out these clips. He's kind of a tech freak. I'm the hacker of the pod. Have you ever considered getting those sharply angled eyeglasses that were very big in the early 2000s in hacker movies, like Matrix 1 or 2? And then posting the podcast and going,

I'm in. I'm in. I'm in. I've got six likes on my podcast clip. Retweet. All right, let's get to Quora questions. Let's get to Quora. Okay, so we have to say first.

Yeah, no one... Our question from last week. We wrote it an hour ago, so no one answered it yet. No one's answered it. It is, can cops be gamers? We'll check back on that. Can cops be gamers? What do you think?

Can cops be gamers? We kind of asked it because we figured there's a lot of cops on Quora, and we kind of just want people to be like, yes. Yes, they can. Is it ethical for cops to be gamers? See, maybe that was the punch up there. Do they have time to game? That's what the thing is.

They retire at like 40, right? They're working around the clock. I think maybe they become gamers. A lot of them game on the subway on their phones. Yeah, dude. I saw a cop on the subway on Twitter. Yeah, there you go. And I was like, come on, man.

The idea that he's like reading like, you know, like someone's like communist tweet and he's just getting like mad and he's going to like kill someone. He's reading like age gap discourse. Yeah, he's like, he's like, he's like, what do you mean? I'm 31 and my girlfriend's 26. What's problematic? Taylor Swift can date whoever she wants.

But he has a gun. The idea that he's getting mad on Twitter and reading the same discourse I'm seeing, that upsets me. So I guess, yeah, they can be gamers. But they shouldn't be. In my personal experience, it is mostly a candy crush filled industry. The cop gaming industry. They pay the candies to get the extra levels. Wow.

They get the special bombs. That's where our money's going. That's where, like, the entire city budget is into candy bombs. For police officers on the subway. And that's for your protection. Yeah, they do go on Candy Crush. Candy Crush just gets very samey after a while, and that's my police abolition stance. Cops are, like, they exist on their phone in, like, a very, like, 2011 way.

Like, they're, like, still on Angry Birds. They're checking out what's on Dig. Was anything more fun than those birds? They were cool. They were pretty good. They made a whole movie out of it. I played so many shitty games where you tap and then the surfboard guy goes down and then goes off a jump.

Yeah. Did you guys ever do Cube Runner? Oh, yeah. I heard of that one. That's like an iPod touch. Sick. How different is that than the TikTok guy who runs away from the train? Subway surfer?

Or he runs on the train? I've gotten this wrong on the podcast before. He runs onto a train. He runs onto a train. I think. He does the Teen Wolf thing. which we're not talking about. The guy who's underneath the South Park videos.

You guys should do a podcast with the, you guys, we should do it where we're talking about, like, is he running towards or under the, and then it's right below, and it's like nobody knows. I guess I just don't understand what he's doing. He's running, he's getting coins to feed his family. Does anybody ever ask why? It's his job.

Like, why he's doing that? It's to feed his children. You can't get coins to other places? It's got to be at the train yard? It's a lot of coins. It seems silly to me. Well, Tommy, we're going to read other quarters because no one's answered that one is our point. Well, this is a good segue because our first segment is our police segment, which is five quo.

And this is not a real police. Not a real siren. You are safe. If you're in traffic, this is from the podcast. You're lying. Yeah. You're under arrest. You're lying.

There's a. You're under arrest. Pull over. They're lying to you. There's a cop right behind you. Where's the gunshot one? The gunshot. It's back on bank one here.

can you put your gun away please Alex if you're watching on YouTube I'm scared edited out the gun so these are questions related to law enforcement related to citizenry

and just how to abide under the law so we ask these police questions that's why we had you on known police lover as a troop yourself of loving the police and thank you by the way

uh okay here's a question if you eat food near police dog customs dog or military dog will it pounce on you will it pounce on you um no right this is of course relating to the fact that dogs love chow uh my mother-in-law is a dog and it's always knocking her salad on the floor is a dog or she has a dog why would i say you're doing like a marriage comedy come on she has a dog my mother-in-law is a dog that is always uh doing like tiktok style pranks on her and knocking her salad on the floor and then she doesn't know how to deal with and just sends us screenshots and is like it happened again i'm just a picture of a salad all over

a floor i mean like she doesn't even eat anyway i guess that's what i would worry about with a police dog um how much interaction does this question have on quora it's got four answers one of them has a photo of a dog good that's you know it's dog related uh no they there's no way i don't they would they've been trained only to eat drugs right they love drugs they eat gunpowder and they shit bricks uh but the main thing they're they're like a british soldier you know the like you try to like get in their face and be funny right And they will not break. No.

The guards at the castle. The guards at the castle. The British. Those are British cops, right? I don't know. I think they're technically knights. Are they? No, they're not.

Well, they're not knights in like the way John Lennon's a knight or whatever. Elton John is a knight. Imagine like looking at one of those guys as like a young British lad and going like, I want to be so still. That's what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be so still and quiet. Nothing confides me. right right so you can't even hurt my feelings you think they go to the pub after their shift

at the at the castle and they're like sure i didn't even break once no no one hurt my feelings almost caught me there's a lot there's a lot of americans in there kind of in my face right and i was it was like not a big deal it was like not nothing for me eight hours of that It's just standard practices. Also, I'm a cognate. Why am I like British trash? I can't believe they let me in here. The slags.

But yeah, I think a police dog would be one of those guys. A British guy. In all seriousness, though, I think they don't do that. They didn't balk even once. Do you think you'd get a police dog to break? You hold some sweet bacon. You're doing like dog bits for him and he's just trying to get him to laugh. I do think that it's easier to get a police dog to break than one of those tough British guys.

Dude, you think you would get arrested for feeding a police dog like a bacon? Like, what are you in here for? I kept giving him treats. I kept giving him treats and the dog wasn't doing his job. If you're like really anti-police and you just start feeding all the dogs chocolate. Yeah, I kept killing police dogs. Give a bunch of chocolate to a police dog. Yeah, dude, I messed up, dog.

Yo, I don't do that, yo. If you really hate the police, you will kill a police dog. They're not our friends. By giving it grapes and chocolate. They can't eat grapes, right? I think that's true. They can't eat grapes. Yeah, I heard that.

Dogs can eat. These things, they're just poisonous to them. So they'll probably have a horrible shit and then get rid of it. But if they eat a ton of it. Well, it's funny that they can eat the couch. Yeah. But they can't eat chocolate. candy chocolate how's that work god my dog ate so many phones growing up tell him dude does anyone

ask god any questions we could we could ask god no one's ever done it god probably on there well we gotta read kind of like praying it's people yeah it's people who don't have get god in your life it comes up a lot uh all right so there's four answers the answers are okay they're just like the answer is like this is a dog yeah your food is a dog here dog typing here dog expert Bark, bark, wolf, wolf. Nope, they're far too well-trained to be distracted by your food. They just ignore it. Okay, so if you're like the police dog trainer,

I imagine the entire job is like throwing a sandwich in the distance and being like, don't go after it. Sure. Go after this brick of cocaine. Shake. And then one course that's like, kill, kill. Yeah. Field of one lost.

Yeah, most of it is like sandwich-based. Okay. All right. Well, that's a sandwich. No. Don't even think about it. Don't think about it. All right, here's our next question.

This one's more intellectual. Okay. My neighbor has hidden cameras pointed at my bedroom windows and backyard and front yard. Jesus Christ. I can't see them, but I feel like I'm being watched. What can I do? I feel violated. What legal action is going to be taken?

Get the clips, start a podcast, and post those clips. Hell yeah. Nice. How do you know that they have cameras pointed at you? They can feel it, and they feel violated. All right, well, fair enough. So the question is, we have to assume real cameras. Definitely in this Quora, I mean, they have no proof that there are cameras.

They just feel like there are cameras. And a lot of cynics would be like, there are no cameras. You're an idiot on Quora, but not us. We believe women. So is this like paranoia? Like, is this person just going like, I feel like I'm being watched, but there's no basis. They say, I can't see them, but I feel like I'm being watched. what can i do so yeah it's just like yeah i sense it they're like uh uh saul goodman's brother in

that show and it's unspoken that it is a woman and we do believe them don't put words in my mouth i didn't make any connection i just said i believe women the question is what actions could they here's here's what you can do maybe so you feel like there's cameras yeah pointed at you okay this is a feeling i would dig a you know dig deep down and access a feeling where there's not that's a good point that's such a good so if you can intellect if you can emotionally spiritually get to a foot where i just feel like there's no cameras have that feeling yeah that's right you know meditate meditate on that does it say what actions legally can i take what legal actions can i take so we're getting a lawyer and then like just vibe

it away just that boom vibe vibe this out yeah honestly as your lawyer you gotta get over that honestly as your lawyer you're killing my vibes right now i'm trying to drink whiskey during the day this is a law office yeah you're gonna have to find the cameras right like you can't just not well legally you can you can say that they're making you feel violated so you take them to court on like vibes charges at that point yeah so what like law is the most vibe adjacent yeah what's is there a vibe check law there's definitely yeah well it's just like you need the you need a vibe check you know yeah your honor pause yeah this person says that you can like buy technology something gay pause on the whoa pause something gay happens in the courtroom

I think they're watching me or something. I don't know. My names are a little sus right now. I don't know what's going on with them. Okay, so this appears to be somebody who has a name. You got to find a vibe lawyer. You got to find a lawyer. Because this is a feeling-based question.

You got to find a feeling-based lawyer. Well, they're in the right place. They need to find a lawyer on Quora. Sure. That's going to be the right lawyer for you for this question. A Quora user. Correct. Jordan Peterson is your lawyer.

Okay, this is an answer from Sweet Leilani. They fell asleep. What's that? That's what it says. Sweet Leilani. Sweet Leilani. With only five followers. Well, followers.

No, three followers. Now four. We're 25% of the followers. Get your cloud up, Sweet Leilani. Sweet Leilani. This is like a new Quora. This is from May. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this person says... Aw, honey. How big sounds are they? We have a lot of sounds. There's like 30 or something now. Is it 30 sounds? Yeah.

Killing spree. There's a lot of sounds. What are you looking for in a sound? We got it. I think I've heard it all. I mean, it's all amazing. You want to hear the cop siren again? I know where it is.

Do not bring this cop car back into the room. We'll see what happens. Well, Sweet Leilani says. Yeah, they said that they were staying in an Airbnb, and they felt that they were being watched while they were taking a shower, and then it turned out they were. Sweet Leilani.

I don't think that that makes any sense. So he made a lot of great exclamation, by the way. They say they couldn't find any cameras. When I left the place, I found the owner had put a false review on the Airbnb website that was supposedly from me. Somehow he had hacked my account. It used wording I would never use. I wouldn't have given this guy, the owner, five stars. That's for sure.

So I guess they don't have any proof. If I knew they were going to steal my identity, I would have given one star. Yeah. I thought they were going to go in a direction. it's like i found out i was being watched because the owner was like they did not shampoo they this they did not shampoo in the shower this is a dirty bitch do not no more airbnbs for this for this they're they're using the the hidden cameras to film you in the shower just to like make fun of your hygiene so like have a video of you naked you

shower weird this guy didn't wash his legs yeah watch your not washer i i a lot of times i skip the legs well guess what you just got owned by this airbnb shower when you're in a rush you can it's easy to forget it it's really understandable i'll skip i'll skip the feet i'll hit the i'll hit the soap on the body and then i'll be like i think it touched my feet sometimes i get in the shower i feel real amped and it's like this was like when i'm scrubbing around everywhere it's like a crazy guitar solo pretty much this one goes on for like a minute we're gonna stop it right there all right um any other it feels crazy when i'm in the shower the shower goes crazy for a guy like me this lady put her own a lot of a lot of i feel like i'm being watched once so you're going

to notice these answers do not have any legal action and that's one of the cornerstones of quora is not answering most of the answers are people just being like one time four years ago I felt like I was being watched. One time I got watched. It was crazy. I mean, the impulsion to just ask the internet is interesting to me. Yeah. It's so human.

So like us. Why are these women putting their pictures here? These are ads. This is an ad for the top 25 hottest ladies. Oh, okay. It seems inappropriate to put on this thread. Where can I buy this? You want me to click on 25 hilarious beach photos that raise eyebrows?

What store sells this? What store sells this kind of thing? Honest question, if they're hidden and you can't see them, how do you know they're there? That's not what we're asking, Mike. Yeah, because of the vibes. This guy lives in Chicago. His name is Mike. Wait, wait, wait.

Read the response to this question. Okay, my neighbor constantly records my boyfriend. And whenever I go outside, the men we walk outside, so does she with her camera phone pointing at us. Even our friends stopped coming over because they were freaked out with her recording us talking. This is all one sentence. Or working on a project. And you're right. Cops don't do anything.

What can we do that's legal? That's a crazy sentence. You just want someone to answer the initial question. Yeah. Sorry, Christine. So they leave their apartment and their neighbors are in their face with phones. Yeah, that's Christine's problem. Again, get that video.

Clip it. Yeah, yeah. Throw it on Reels. Get some traffic on it. You just got to. It's a Reels-based economy. You got to get on Reels, brother. I don't know what to tell you.

You're like the head producer of Instagram. That's a Reel, and that's a Reel. That's my answer to every Quora. This is a concerning thing. I'm just like, listen, man, get on Reels. That's a million views. Easy. Figure it out.

Get on Reels. Do spots. Sure. This is just comedy brain. Find a way to get this on TikTok. You got to get this on TikTok. man. My neighbor is heckling me and I keep owning him on camera. What do I

do? At Steve Hofstetter's house. Steve Hofstetter's owning you? That'd be a nightmare living next to that guy. Just getting owned all the time. Oh my god. Can you do the recycling and he's just like, fuck you! I don't come to your

job. He's Steve Hofstetter roommate. More Gatorade, huh? Jesus Christ, man. He's pitched that show. I'm sure he's pitched Steve Hofstetter roommate. comedian destroys roommate put it on fucking mbc uh yeah i think um well that's interesting is it i don't think it's illegal to uh film somebody not in new york which is uh baby which is a weird thing that makes me feel a little weird i feel like it should be illegal yeah maybe like ring

cameras but also it should be illegal also it's a little bit of an invasion of your privacy for someone to say like you can't do something with your phone sure yeah like i can see that angle so i don't know is it like a genie situation like you have to like say it out loud for it to count what what do you mean like you know how with genies there are rules about like i can have a wish but unless i say i wish it's not the wish and even if you say i wish and it's not your wish because you've made the verbal contract that's essentially genies are really for for saying you can have anything you want yeah they have a lot of legality holes and yet when my neighbor's recording everything i do they have nothing to help me um i'm just reading this woman christine's

other question that she answered well wait she doesn't have any followers leave her alone alex on this ask her is this a genie situation oh we could do that oh wait jeremy i see what you're reading and i do not think we should put it on the podcast never mind what what is it It's related to the other thing she's in. All right, I'll tell you and I'll cut this out. So she was like, they keep recording my boyfriend. And then her other comment is like, my boyfriend keeps saying he'll kill me. Oh, my God.

No, no, no. He said there's a 5% chance that he'd kill her, which is a weird specific. That in specific sounds bad. We can't talk about it. We have to cut it. We're cutting this out. This is like a normal lady. Also, and then I'm not going to say what the question, you know, but we can leave this in.

Is the boyfriend doing a bit? how am i gonna edit this is he was he goofing is he on reels did he say this on reels because because that is a joke legally because that's a joke anything on reels is technically just a big fucking joke all right let's leave we have to let's get into animal stuff no one has stopped talking at any moment it'd be impossible to cut it's koragon wild everyone ever it's koragon wild This is their animal segment. It's Corrigan Wild. Do you like animals?

Do you like animals? Yeah, man. Of course. I'll just bleep her name. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. Sure. Bam.

Hold on. I just showed my tits, too, just in the Corrigan Wild segment. Yeah, we all get new during this time. Yeah, I flashed Jeremy and Alex. I liked what I saw. Head to the YouTube for that. Why is that one flashing? What's going on with that?

Oh, okay. You leave that. Why is everyone flashing? You know why. You leave it. That's Cora gone wild. Who would win in an arm wrestling match, a chimp or a power lifter? Okay, Joe.

Interesting that Joe Rogan is on Cora asking questions. He just wants to know genuinely because he's going to do it if not. So we have a lot of could I fight a chimp questions on here. And as we have established, no, you could not. The chimp will rip off your eyelids and nails. A chimp would kill you so fast. But the question is not, can I fight the chimp? What if you know karate?

Even if you know karate. Dude, what if a chimp was a black belt? It's never been done. It's never been done. I'll tell you that much. What if you train a chimp to be a black belt in karate? That's a movie idea. That's a movie.

Black belt karate chimp. If you go back to the 80s, karate chimp is a $500 million movie. Dude, karate chimp would be great. Is there not a karate chimp already? There must be. I don't think so, dude. I think we're riding karate chimp. I'm Googling it.

There were so many movies where like Ronald Reagan took a chimp to the store and none of them put a G on the dance floor. Yeah, and also there's like movies if like a chimp skateboarded. We're watching a video with two chimps and geese right now. It's not a movie. But it's not a movie, it's just YouTube. Do you know Air Bud's a biopic? I learned this recently.

I heard it was a documentary. Jared, this is too distracting to leave up for me. I'm sorry. There's a full animal fight happening in front of my eyes. I learned recently that Air Bud is a real dog that was on like America's Funniest Home Videos, and they're like, let's make that into a movie, and they hired that dog, Air Bud, to play himself in the movie. This is the best Hollywood fact I've heard in my entire life.

This isn't about Quora, but it blew my mind that I had to tell people. Holy, that's pretty crazy. This is like the one movie made in the 90s that wasn't just processed by murdering 100 golden retrievers, and they just found a normal one who can do that. All the other 90s movies. yeah fucking uh we talked about starship troopers no they killed so many dogs the one uh uh uh not fly away home the one with the the dog and the cat and they're on oh milo and otis they famously killed like a hundred cats they killed a bunch of cats

they have a scene where these cats fall off a cliff they were taking real cats and throwing them off a cliff you can't deny how you're like i'm off to work with my bag of cats i think there was like really just no rules till 2006 i think there's just like i think you could just kind of do whatever you wanted and then maybe and then like i think when obama got elected people were like all right like shut it down no we're killing dogs shut it down we're gonna end the the bush cat cuts we got we're throwing too many no you have to do it now you've opened this door throwing too many cats off allow me to be clear i'm like hung over and getting lightheaded by doing this obama impression

allow me to be cute michelle uh michelle told me dogs are for petting uh too many dogs are done in this damn movie. It's very funny to imagine killing a bunch of cats and the movie you made is Milo and Otis. You didn't even make The Godfather.

A lot of people are asking who can win a chimp or a heavy lifter. Nobody knows. Nobody knows, but we got to stop killing these chimps. I don't know.

So the question is who wins an arm wrestling match is my point, and so there's a bit more nuance. Dude, dude. That's going to rip your arm off. How big? Those guys get pretty big, though.

Well, the chimps don't get that big. Power lifters can get very circular and powerful. I think a power lifter might win. A power lifter in the right circumstance could win. Yeah, that guy's so big. And so I think we have to take this to an expert here. Also, this is the idea that the chimp knows how to arm wrestle and abide by the rules. You've trained him.

Which is like saying this is why you can't ever beat a chimp in a fight. because a chimp's not going to follow the rules. They don't respect rules. The chimp will rip your penis off, suck it. They're punk rock like that. And then what? Put it back on. He's going to put it back on.

He will put it back on for you. The chimp will put your penis back on. He will sew it back. That was Obama's first State of the Union when he said that. If you don't like your penis, we'll put it back on. You'll rip it off and then suck it. Okay. Chimp will suck your dick.

There's no rules with the chimp. All right. Neither one, the power lifter, would position himself and grab the chimp's hand in preparation for the match. All right. Well, whatever. Whatever. Due to this hostile behavior, the chimp would attack the power lifter

and bite his face off. All right. And then win the arm wrestling. Here's the thing. That's not really winning. Because I went through the answers of this earlier. The thing is that although the power lifter can outpower the chimp for the arm wrestling, the chimp isn't going to know how to do arm wrestling and will just like go chimp mode

on your ass and rip off your eyelids and eat your eyeballs like little grapes. Yeah. But if you could train it how to arm wrestle, I think it would lose. It hurts to arm wrestle too. So it's going to be so hard to explain to the chimp. It's okay to get a little hurt when you do arm wrestling, chimp. It's cool. it's not like all the sexual assault you commit like a game it's like a very specific thing we're

doing yeah the chimps are so fucked up honestly they're bad people they they deserve all the they're not good people they deserve all the bad rap that dolphins get they need oh yeah they need jesus chimps y'all need jesus chimps weren't raised right uh dolphins are bad too though right dolphins are bad but they're also like really nice whereas chimps i feel like are mostly just super fucked up. Chimps are worse. Dolphins will rape, though. Dolphins will rape. I would go on a limb and say I think chimps

What? I think they might rape. They will. I don't know. They're bad guys. I don't want to. And listen, don't cancel any chimp. You know what I mean? Don't go out there. Me too is coming for the dolphins and the chimps. Don't like, you know, I don't

but maybe. No, here's the thing. I've heard some stories. There's stories going around. The dolphin reputation is oversold that they're such bad guys when a lot of times they're just like and they pass you the beach ball i feel like the dolphins are getting a bad rap i think uh i think like maybe like a couple guys i think there's a couple bad i think there's a couple bad apples in the dolphin you guys just want to work for the dolphin dolphins are really good you know they run those fucking clubs yeah and they they make money i do think it's weird that dolphins are so into human

girls because it's like you're a fish like you're not actually yeah they're like really horny little I know women will, like, there's people out there who will date a dolphin, but I never thought the dolphin was into it. A lot of people say they'll date a dolphin. Welcome to the new show, Will You Date a Dolphin? Will you date a dolphin? Are you smarter than a dolphin? Would you date a dolphin if it was Steve Hofstadter's roommate?

We find out. You're on Love is Blind, and then you find out halfway through it's a dolphin. Love is dolphin. Oh, my God. He's talking to me like a human man through the walls. it's a tired time um yeah they do

they do like dolphins do like people yeah some people like dolphins it's true legalize it

legalize it I really don't is the thing yeah I I really I really don't care honestly if there's two

consenting adults one's a dolphin no one's a dolphin no no young dolphins no dolphins like if there's too many

years between you it's all too much of a culture gap if there's a if there's a dolphin who's lived for 18 years. How long does a dolphin live? I would say probably 22 years.

That's my guess. He doesn't know? He doesn't know how long a dolphin lives? What do you mean? Dolphin age-dating discourse. 22 years? Just old enough to get hot. Orcas apparently live 50 to 90.

Striped dolphin, 55 to 60. Can I just say how far off of chimp discourse we've gotten right now? The discourse about chimps is weird. Because here's the thing is chimps have twice the strength of a man, but a mountain-sized man weighs four times as much as a chimp, so then you can win an arm wrestling match. I think the mountain would win.

And then people are still posting gorillas like that's relevant right now. Shut up. It's a different monkey. If you somehow caged the chimp in an apparatus where only his arm, I like where only the chimp's arm was mobile. There's a man with his nose ripped off. It's very distracting. Oh, look, who is it?

And now he's posted the mountain. I'm jealous you guys are on the computer right now. You want to see this guy's nose? No, I don't want to see that. We're clicking around too much. Stop clicking around. Don't show me that stuff. You're right.

If you get him in the apparatus where just his arm can move like this. Yeah, if you could restrain the chimp in a way where only his arm was able to move, I think you could get a big guy to beat him. That's some human centipede-ass science. The chimp restraining everything but the arm machine. Does that count? Just like a full suit of armor that's locked in place. That's...

Yeah, exactly. And then if you can grab it... And then also you probably have to cut his nails because his nails might stab you. And he's going to do... You can do these. So if the chimp had a manicure and beautiful nails... Let's do it.

Let's go get a chimp. If a chimp had a beautiful hand... Fellas, how beautiful would a chimp's hand have to be? for you to beat it in an arm wrestle. Okay, let's do the next question. Okay, next question. The chimps in a dress with makeup. That's just like a normal makeup company.

That's how they test it. I've been excited to get to this one. Oh, yeah, this is a good one. It's got two answers. Snakes have poison, but do they know it? Do you think snakes are aware? I don't think animals have an awareness. No, they're not conscious.

I don't think they know about, like, but I got that dog in me. do animals know they got that dog in them snakes have venom too not to correct this no i think there's a uh they instinctually uh i can can but knowing is a weird because knowing implies like awareness and conscious yeah and i don't think they have that like a snake would never write a paper about the impact of its venom on its community yeah but does he know yeah this this is a this is like a deep this is a deep one when a snake bites someone does he know he's injecting them with poison i think it's like a muscle where they're like i give them a

taste of that or they just are like this is just for fun this is just two inches of uh knife going in your body yeah i just like doing this yeah yeah i'm just a little freak with a mouth yeah it's uh it's like when uh like squids like shoot ink out right yeah do that or is it just a reaction you know i think it's got to feel like and there's got to be a better analogy but it does feel like peeing or something like where you're like until you like do you know you have piss in you yeah i know i have piss in me yeah but you you're you're conscious you know you have a lot of things animals don't have thoughts they just kind of they just vibe they're purely vibes i feel like early on i knew that though could a snake know if there were three hidden cameras on him

like a baby doesn't know it has piss that's true a baby just pisses but does it but when they can control it maybe this becomes like a venomous kind of ejaculation but i i i don't know anything about snakes so not snake expert here but i don't think they can control when they uh boy i think it's just a reaction it's like a fear-based thing we're gonna have to go to the comments do skunks know they stink he knows he's he knows he's problematic he's trying to kiss that cat yeah he's a he a dog they literally they took him out of the space jam movie which is so funny because he was too canceled he's in jail they put in the clockwork orange characters yeah it's really weird yeah

well they should know better because they're not known rapists literally in the movie important distinction that's the clockwork orange guys after they've been through the nightmare machine so they're better now we fixed them yeah they looked at all the content rehabilitated therapied healed clockwork orange guys oh man all right they're just drinking milk at the milk bar Damien Dorhoff, whose qualification is Knows German, says venomous snakes know instinctively that they have venom that they can use to attack prey or defend themselves against larger animals. In Germany, there is an expression.

But I would even refrain from using the word no. I don't know what word to use, but it's not. Do you know German? No, I don't. Uh-oh. I don't know why I paused. I was like, hey, do I know it? And I was like, actually, I know zero German.

Sorry, I thought about it for one second, and I've actually never known German besides Guten Tag. I thought I might know German. Sorry, sorry. I just had to think for a little bit. I thought I might have been fluent in German for a second. You could, like, get into a car accident and know German. Yeah, that's true.

You never know what you have inside, unless you're a snake. You can do that. Was this answer the one with the picture of the baby getting bitten by a snake? So this one says, yes, they do know that they have venom, and they choose how much to do. And then the other answer says, no, snakes do not have the cognitive ability to understand that they have poison.

They are simply born with the ability to produce and deliver venom. And then they have a gif of a snake attacking a baby. It's attacking a baby, but the point is that the snake, because it knows it's a baby, is just like playing around a little bit. How's that baby defending himself?

Well, he's mostly getting owned by this snake over and over again. I don't know how to put this in the episode, and it's kind of a technological bulwark for me. But you can see there's a snake. That baby. That baby's fucked. That baby's fucked.

That baby's going to die. I think it's okay, though, because the snake's just playing. That baby's screwed. He's just playing. The guy says that the snake is not going to hurt the baby, but it doesn't look like. Like, you wouldn't put that on there if that baby died, right? You know what's crazy?

You wouldn't have a gif ready. I've seen that gif before. Really? Yeah. Where? I don't know, man. Okay, well, it's good news the baby's fine. Yeah.

I guess that one's just making the rounds, the snake attacking a baby. Apparently it's a defanged and domesticated cobra. Oh. Pet cobra. Make that movie. Yeah, we're making a lot of movies this episode. You motherfuckers, you fucking piece of shits. Hey, listen to me.

Make that fucking movie. Make that movie now. That's going on reels. Put that on reels. All right, well, that's all the snake questions. Hey, anybody ever teach a cobra karate? Oh, okay. So for this one, you got to dig up the sound here,

but this is our celebrity in Hollywood segment. Let's do it. I don't have this coming. Okay, so this is very exciting. We know that you're somewhat of an entertainment buff. Is that correct? No. Well, you're going to love this segment.

Yes. This is Quinsletown. There's a song that's supposed to... There we go. Quincyltown. Hollywood's biggest stars on Quora.com. You know, Tinseltown, like Tinseltown, but Quincyltown, but the Q. How tall is Tom Cruise?

Is he really cool like that? He's tiny. Yeah, yeah, he's tiny. I would say 5'7". I think he is a little bit. I think it's even shorter, maybe. All right, let's read some of these questions. He's 4'9".

You can put them in your pocket. uh well this is a kind of a new hot celebrity she's the talk of uh the town square everybody's saying wrecking ball we're all talking about wrecking ball this is about if miley cyrus if miley cyrus really made out with an alien would she die of toxic shock now i don't know if this is in reference to something she claimed to make out with an alien is this about the katie Perry song where she makes out with an alien? That's what it made me think. I kissed an alien and I liked it.

I hope my human boyfriend doesn't mind it. That's her song. I gotta be honest, man. I think Miley Cyrus is crazy enough where if she made out with an alien, I think she would be just fine. Yeah, she probably

kisses an alien and then turns around and goes, that was normal to me. She's the type of girl to kiss an alien and think, Dan, that's Tuesday. I think that'd be

Tuesday for her. Yeah. They all feel like that, she'd say. I don't think she'd have a problem going to bed that night. Now you take a motherfucker

like me, I kiss an alien, well, you know, I'm going to be talking about it. It's going to be a bigger deal.

You die of toxic shock, possibly. So there's two elements of this in Miley Cyrus making out with an alien. Are they talking about Katy Perry?

And then the second part, would she die of toxic shock? Which I think is when you like if you leave a tampon in too long and then it gets infected yeah so would that happen to her fucking expert fucking expert who is this guy jesus christ by the way there are no answers yeah no we can we can put one though we can say no okay yeah just say uh just say no probably Probably not. Probably not, and it's offensive that you think she would.

Yeah. Jeremy's just talking with one hand here. Let's not wear him out. Oh, my God. We need him for the podcast. I'm so tired. He's made it to its. Toxic shock is, that's not when you have a tampon.

Well, it's just whenever there's too much toxicity in there. Toxic shock is, I thought it's when you get, it's not when you get scared. Is it when you get scared? Is it when you get scared and die? Yeah, because you had a tampon in for too long. Yeah, you're scared because you're like, how long has this been in there? I think we're on to something with the tampon. I think this fear thing.

Hey, we're too buried, man. Toxic shock syndrome is a bacterial infection. Oh, so you're nice. Okay. It's not when something like, not something toxic scares you. No, no, no. Like something like bad vibes and toxic. Yeah.

Maybe that's like internet slang or something. You're gaslighting me so much. You go to Urban Dictionary and put in Toxic Shock Syndrome. So it's actually not unreasonable that an alien will give you Toxic Shock Syndrome because your biomes are so different. But just from making out? Well, if you're letting their tendril deep down there. If their tongue is a tampon. Depends if it's French.

I changed my mind. I think you would die. I think you would die. Sorry, let's stop with the jokes right now. I think if alien goo got in your mouth. Oh, yeah, you would definitely die. I think your body would go, what is this? Or maybe you grow powerful.

I mean, one guy ate a bat. One guy ate a bat a few years ago, and then it ended the world for like three years. I think if you made out with an alien. But that guy got me some unemployment money. So, hey, why don't you eat another bat? He said it. He said the catchphrase. Hey, whose guy's got to eat a bat around here for me to get a little unemployment check?

What guy? That's not me. I'm not going to do it. I don't want to eat that. Whose bad dick did I got to suck to get a little unemployment check? You can say he's not married. We're on here, folks. Tommy is single, by the way.

Yeah, newly single. And he's looking to mingle. Yeah. Or the cat is. Oh, the cat's stretching. That's producer Waffles. I saw it in the mirror. He's not in his usual Pelican case the way he has been the last few episodes.

Yeah. I was in a relationship for six years. Really? Damn, dude. Yeah. Well, now you're free. You're ready to get out there. Yeah, it's crazy because I'm 16, so.

That's really messed up. How old is your ex? Huh? How old is your ex? 16. Wow. We started dating when we were 10. That's true love.

Yeah, moved in at that time. The beard does look good, now that I know the context. Was any of that on the episode? No, no, none of that. the beard discussion on the episode i'm trying guys i'm trying to grow a beard for the listeners and it's not going well and people are saying it's bad and you need to stop you're too blonde it's not gonna pick up on the camera and you're just gonna take your word for it yo dude do you think it would be funny though so i can grow a little bit of a mustache and it's like a little

blonde and red dude what if i dyed it black yeah wouldn't that be funny okay because i am single And I think it'd be funny to like, just like, you'd just be like weird. To be like a weird guy, you know, to be scary. And in New York, they love that. Yeah. You can just be like weird and like a twink. Girls are like, yeah, sure. Ooh, he's like a mischievous elf.

Let's take him home. He's got a black beard. Like a pirate. Like a black, weird pencil mustache. Look at this buccaneer I brought home. You know? All right. So this next question actually is a really good question, but the answers kind of suck,

but we've had this in here for a while so the question is if marilyn monroe had lived do you think she might have appeared on the sitcom friends possibly as a guest character who joey had a crush on so yeah i don't know if i think that she would be very old by that point be very old i mean that would be a good episode i guess the thing about joey you know he's a doll i've never seen friends but i imagine joey has crushes on older women yeah he's kind of like the master roshi of the show this is the only way i could understand it i have to map out which dragon ball universe it's like the only way you could get through life when you're doing your taxes you're like which one of these estimated taxes is the master roshi rachel is bulma i'm claiming i'm

claiming master roshi on my taxes i got a big return this year i claim master roshi your account it's like alex paying your taxes is like goku wow that's strong oh i gotta do that wow he's the best uh i think uh i think marilyn monroe would go on new girl before friends yeah that new girl was on way after friends 15 years after this is the universe if she lived that's true she was born in 1926 okay someone has photoshopped her to look slightly older No, it's not a Photoshop. That's just a picture of her. I don't think that's a picture of her.

You're always defending Marilyn Monroe here. It's a huge Marilyn Monroe fan. Known Marilyn Monroe defender. Yeah. Everyone's so mean to Marilyn. That's the thing about married guys is they will just go to death for Marilyn Monroe. Married guys love Marilyn Monroe. She hasn't done anything wrong.

She's our pinup princess. She hasn't put anything out in a while. Yeah. Not since she went on Friends. Friends ruined her career. I also like the question is, do you think she might have gone on Friends? And it's like, sure. All right.

Whatever. Let's entertain this question because this is what the podcast is. How old would she be? She would be 68, according to Quora. Yeah, I think she's going on Friends. Yeah, easily. Why not? She's still got star power.

She's still got star power. And they're going to have her walk over a grate. She would have a Betty White similar thing. She goes on Friends. She goes on Friends as herself, and there's an episode where Joey brings home this old bird, and they're like, Joey, you're bringing home some old bird. And he's like, yeah, but she's Marilyn Monroe. And then there's an audience reaction that's like, ooooh. Alex is like a 40s producer.

That's what he kind of sounds like. He's got a dame on his arm, and guess what? The thing about Joey is he's Italian, and that's like the whole character. Yeah, what if a guy was Italian and dumb? It's so offensive what they did on Friends. But that said, he would date Marilyn Monroe. He's dumb because he's Italian. I didn't say it.

It's not me who said that. I didn't say it. It was Friends. It was America who said it. And we've changed since then. Isn't it crazy that it was like 30 years ago? Marilyn Monroe would be even older now. Yeah, she'd be like 90-something.

She wouldn't be able to go on I Think You Should Leave. They couldn't get her for season four of I Think You Should Leave to do her best Tim Robinson impression. Very odd succession. Yeah. I think if Marilyn Monroe was around, I don't think we would have Betty White. That's true. They would be like, we don't need her.

In this universe, she would be the Betty White where it's like, oh, look at this. She's like whimsy and cute. She would be doing like, you know, Twix commercials. Right. She'd be like, oh, you don't want me when I'm angry. Have a Snickers. She'd be doing that. But Betty White never had sex with John F. Kennedy.

So she'd be even better. It'd be a better Betty White. Yeah, it'd be a better Betty White that had sex with John. Yeah. That was my only gripe with Betty White. I was like, wait, who's this older woman? And I was like, got it. Did she have, no, didn't have sex with John F. Kennedy.

And I was like, well, count me out. She does not have the seed of America. I'm mad now. I'm getting mad. Yeah, that's too bad. Anyway, yeah, I think she'd go on there. Betty White also was not our friend. Yeah, but Betty White didn't, she popped in like,

Betty White popped in like 2010. Yeah, she wasn't old enough, or as Marilyn would have been. Betty White, I think she got JFL in, like, 2011, and I think that— It was Betty White, Kumail Nanjiani. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of the Chicago guys. That's the thing is, like, she's on the Unwrapped Showcase. She's Betty White. Yeah.

She's been on television for 50 years. Yes, why is she doing the Unwrapped Midnight Show? What the hell is going on? I wonder what happened to the state of this industry, Betty White showing up on the Unwrapped Showcase. I will say, though, dude, she did hold court, though, in the diner after. There are stories. There are stories of her just holding court.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. My liege. That's what I'd say to her. If I was in that room, thank goodness. You were a mid-2000s New York City comedian? Yeah. Sick, dude.

My liege. That's how we talked back then. That was how she was. All right. Someone says no, she would date Chandler, I guess. Oh. Well, Chandler is kind of, he took his romances more seriously. That's good to know.

But he was a silly guy. Could I be any more inside? What does he say? Can I be any more this? Could I be any more having sex with Marilyn Monroe? I'm Eskimo Brothers with John F. Kennedy. Could I be any more Eskimo Brothers? All right, that's enough of that question.

One person says no, she would not. How do you know? Close it. That's enough. Speaking of that's enough. Oh, yeah, this is our parenting segment. Do you have any kids, Tommy? Two.

Too many. I have 12. And I don't see them. Hey, they're cheaper by the dozen. This is our parenting segment, Quarantine. Quarantine. No, that's the train. We're sending them home.

I got it eventually. That's enough. It says that's enough. Anyway, yeah, so it's about parenting. And it would be called that because Quora. Yeah, because they're all like that. See, I figured that out. We have really good segment names.

I'm good at solving wordplay. Little puzzles. Little puzzles. We're still trying to figure out how to get them on reels. So all of these different parenting questions usually are revolved around, first of all, this is the most manufactured Quora segment where people just make up a lie and are like,

do I shoot my kid with a gun? He was playing Harry Potter. But some of them have a germ of truth in them. And so this question is, my dad threatened to clean my room. What should I do? All right. What should I do?

Let him do it. If he threatened to clean your room, this is in response to you not cleaning your room? This is a teenager and they're hiding something. Yeah, that's what I thought too. uh my mom my mom would do uh so i have two brothers and we're all like uh you know we you know we'd smoke weed when we were children oh yeah you know we were some of those guys and uh and then my mom knew because she would go hey guys stop doing drugs you're 14 and i and i would go

that's not gonna i'm like you're gonna want to sit down for this make me so fucking mad But it's just not going to go down the way you think it is. But she would do, like, sweeps. And she would be, like, I would come home, and she would be, like, doing deep cleans. But not, like, everything. She's going through everything. In show business, we call it sweeps week.

And our mother checks our room. Yeah, sweeps week. Yeah, so I think the dad wants to do sweeps week on your ass. Yeah, he's trying to find your weed. And also Cut that shit out too By the way And let your dad

Go in the room Let him find out Yeah I'd say No secret If your dad's got no Fucking balls For threatening Go in

Yeah If you wanna fuck around He's gonna find out Parents should not be Respecting their children's Boundaries I think that's true Just go

Yeah Don't molest your kids Oh yeah Well that's not That's not what we meant Yeah go in Go in Your dad's gonna go in

and fucking do whatever he wants, you know, clean. Yeah, just do whatever he wants. I think that's allowed. Yeah. That's for sure. The top answer is clean it yourself. The best thing to quit is to clean it yourself. Yeah, that's what they all say, basically.

And that if you don't want him to clean it, that you could clean it yourself. Yeah. If you're so high and mighty all the time. Some people say let him clean your room. That's what I say. Yeah, that's free. They clean it for free.

Yeah. I wish my dad would clean my room today. That'd be great. My room's messy. I got clothes everywhere. Sure. I could use a dad to come in. Yeah.

Find your... Let me hire your dad. Maybe you've lost your drugs and you need your dad to come in because they have a sort of drug sniffing ability. He has a dog's nose. I need them to get found. Yeah. See, the thing is we're both married men, so we got to keep our rooms spotless. Saying that for, yeah, it's a really nice, yeah.

But I used to be a married, I mean, I wasn't married, but I was in a relationship for six years. Objectively was a lie, but still. But, you know, that's kind of like being married. Yeah, your room was clean back then. Yeah, it was a nice apartment. Oh, man. Damn.

I'm sorry that happened, except for all your alien opportunities now. Well, yeah, I'm going to get some gross aliens snatch. We're going to go Mass Effect mode in my room this week. That's what that game is about. Yeah, it's pretty much like, can you seduce all these blue ladies? That could be an 80s movie, too. You could date in an alien. How about dating an alien?

That's got to be a lot of movies. There's Earth Girls Are Easy. Sure. Where Jim Carrey is like a cunnilingus monster. Is he an alien in it? Yeah, he has a super long tongue. Sick. Hey, check out Earth Girls Are Easy, 1988.

Definitely look into that. Anyway, that's really all there is to say. It's real? Yeah. I've heard of that movie. Interesting. What year do you think it is? Earth Girls.

I guess 1988. I think it's even earlier than that, actually. Not 1988. You nailed it. Holy shit. Really? So I'm kind of like a smart guy then, aren't I? You're tapped in.

I kind of know a lot about when the things came out. I am so sorry I implied you're not smart earlier. All right. Well, yeah, so your dad's going to clean that room. We're done with this question. This question sucks. Wait. Oh, it says I'm a slob.

I thought it was like I'd let my dad slob. me well this is a website for perverts mostly it hasn't really come up today yeah it's a lot of it's perverts being like can i be a pervert and people going like no that reminds me of when i was a pervert you cannot do a you cannot be a pervert it's not okay it's not okay you have to be normal you can only be a pervert if you are joey you're dating maryland you can only be a pervert if you're italian the question is always phrased like i'm thinking about being a pervert should i and then people are like i think you should a lot of people with like scenarios yeah you're like what would happen if a girl got too horny

prose writing yeah and then people are like i don't know but you know what i'm horny this is reminding me of something me being horny uh what would you say and this is this is directed for tommy uh you got 12 kids what would you say Your 25-year-old daughter came home with purple hair. That's a question on Quora. Like a joke answer? No, give us the real answer about your 25-year-old daughter. Well, first off, I'm getting out the soundboard.

That soundboard acts as like an 8-ball. You know, a magic 8-ball where you go, How do I feel? And then you smash a button. Killing spree. That's what I say. I would say killing spree. I would probably play the Naruto theme to her.

Yeah, so she's 25, so you're like getting up there. How old are you, Tommy? 26. Okay, so you have this girl. So it's my daughter. The thing is, Tommy came out squirt. You got so pregnant when you were three months old. Yeah, which is awesome.

You forget about the nine months it takes to cook. Great points. Thank you. Let him cook. That's actually smart. I'm really smart. That was a smart pervert joke. It's so important to do bad.

Two separate geniuses. She came home with purple hair. I'd say, get out. I'd say, get out the dye. You're doing mine now. Oh, that's sweet. Nice bonding moment with your daughter, who's your age. And I'd say, we're going to be gay.

We're gay. We're gay now. Look at me. We're gay in this household. You're one of my 11 children. I'm raising 12 gay sons. And one daughter. And one gay daughter.

That's so progressive of you because a lot of dads wouldn't say that. Yeah. Top comment, I like your hair. Yeah, I would probably, honestly, I'd probably just go, oh, I probably wouldn't say anything. If I have kids, I'm probably going to just let them, you know, I think just let them do whatever. The hair color is so not important on the list of things. Your daughter is dyeing her hair pink because she wants a reaction out of you two. I'll tell you, if my son came home with purple hair, I'd get mad.

I'd probably say something homophobic. Imagine that. Why don't you imagine something homophobic? That's what I said. You're debating whether you should say something or just say you would say something. I'd smash his terrarium. Yeah. I would get rid of his ant farm.

He's got one. He's got one. I love my kids. I give them ant farms. I call them my little bugs. What would you guys say? Now, you guys are wife guys. No one really knows this.

But you're two married men. Two married men. Not to each other. That is a lie. What would you guys say? What would I say? So my 25-year-old daughter, she comes home, she's got purple hair. 25?

She's 25. I say, how long has it been? Because I turn around, I have purple hair. You take off your towel. You do the thing where she comes home late at night, and you hit the lamp, and you turn around in your chair, and you go, well, well, well, we're gay. It always goes back to that. It's the gifts of the magi. But you're in full Heath Ledger Joker makeup.

And you're like, guess what? I'm weirder. Why so also gay? Why so also purple hair? It looks great, by the way, honey. Okay. It runs in the family. I would say

that would be what I would say and so you can't take that one and that's what I would say it'd be funny to dye your

baby's hair like make your kid like a cross punk you know they can't do anything about it they really can't

they're truly powerful I mean we saw that clip of that snake biting that baby it'd be really funny to give

your baby like fake tattoos I don't know if anybody's ever done that has anyone done that here's the thing

i shouldn't like if i have kids i will i'd be like let's give the baby a teardrop tattoo you know and then take and then take them to the daycare and then they're like this this is pretty this is pretty this is a lot and i'd be like first of all it is funny and i'd be like first of all it's a fucking bit and it's on reels so shut your mouth yeah uh you're a little scared by two million views because that's what you're looking at dude making your baby like tough You go to the daycare And they're like We wanted to let you know

This is not okay Your baby has never Killed someone You cannot give him A teardrop tattoo I'd be like Don't say that about my son You know what

He kills guys Due to your recent behavior We could not have you At Latin Kings Preschool That does not abide By our rules I'm very into Looking at the baby

With a teardrop tattoo To be like How long you locked up Latin Kings Preschool We're sending him over to Crips Preschool on the two other great 80s films.

Oh, dude. That's great. Yeah, so I think that's what I would say if my daughter came home with purple hair. That's fair. The whole Joker thing.

I'd be Joker. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, also don't steal Jeremy's idea next time. He was going to say that. I'm sorry for just thinking. I'm sorry for getting in his brain.

Wait, no, I want to read one of these answers. Yeah, we didn't read any of them. I like them because it's like a hundred answers of people trying to be like I wouldn't care at all

but in like cool ways yeah so this one guy says I love you dear but I liked it better when it was green oh yeah cause we have a

you were good dad did anyone say I'll do it too uh someone says okay this response wins in my book okay

this wins the internet no one says that they would do it too or that they would be gay or the joker well you have to alright oh

Hank Hale from the show was answering one oh yeah yeah and i don't think he'd be cool with it no one said they would be the gay joker not one yeah well guess what you're listening to a little comedy podcast so it's gonna it gets crazy we're dealing with 2020s comedy podcast culture this is still like 2008 message boards so they haven't unlocked well has anyone asked on quora how do i win the internet no i don't think so i want to win type it in okay first of all i just want to say this one person who says I would say you should have added some blue like with mine.

I am 49, by the way. Not a competition. That's a great, that's a good answer. How do I win the internet? Jeremy's looking. It's not going to tell you, Jeremy. What do you mean? It's not going to be that easy.

No, no one has asked how do I win the internet. 49 is pretty young, though, to have a 25-year-old daughter. It is. Well, but, I mean, it's not crazy young. My dad's like 64. Yeah, well, but you could have a child at like 18 Or three months Yeah

Or three months In this universe That we're Yeah With your young Young daughter That we're hanging out in 29 minus 25

49 minus 25 That's just 24 That's kind of normal Like that's a lot of Like people are just like Shooting those out Yeah People do shoot those out

Shouts out to you Britton Dean Dude my My buddy had a kid In high school And We would like watch She's 25 now

we would like watch the kid when we were like 19 he'd be like like one and and i'd be like is this allowed should we call someone i think you should go to his apartment and there would just be like a one-year-old and like i'd be like having a beer i'd be like i think you're underage drinking i'm under we're underage drinking watching a kid and i'm like i think all of this is elite we're not like drunk you know but we're having a beer and i'm like are we is this legal as long as you're disrespectful of the baby having the baby baby feels more illegal than having yeah yeah it's it's they just put you in jail for that for being a loving father and that's what obama was all about yeah for what he tried to do that's what he tried to do that's what he tried to do uh do we want to

do one more question here we're a little uh do we have a good one it's gotten somewhat oh yeah let's do this one we wanted to end on this oh right so yeah we had to ask tommy this hit the core romance button okay so this is our love and romance questions for young and sexy singles this came in from sergeant extreme on our discord uh the question is if i as a male edge myself for three hours how intense will the orgasm probably be pretty pretty big i'm gonna say through the moon we're going to the moon with this with this orgasm that's a long time it's shooting thousands of Three hours is a long time for like a movie. Like you could watch a full long movie.

Yeah, you start the Avengers and start edging. While not coming. If I edge myself to the Irishman. Yeah, yeah. You're going to paint that house. I'll tell you that. How much am I going to bust? Yeah, you're going to paint that.

The movie. That's smart, Jeremy. Sorry, that's a mistake. I only do smart cub jokes today. Hey, respect me. I had on that cub bit. Oh Robert De Niro's Not that young

Oh The computer's doing that The computer made him younger This is my favorite Trend in film by the way Is when super I watched a bunch of Clint Eastwood movies

In the spring For a thing I was doing And Every movie he's in Where he's like 90 They make him look young And have him like Punch dudes

And it's just someone Who can barely move He also like gets pussy too Yeah I haven't really seen it But I hear he like He like gets laid In his movies now

Yeah, he pipes them down, 90s style. He's like 90. Dude, I hope I'm asexual by I'm like 70. If I'm still like thinking about girls by the time I'm 70, I'm like, this has got to fucking end. I'm edging myself for three hours. Yeah, you're going to. I don't have time.

You're going to bust. I just want to watch the movie. I would say how intense will this orgasm probably be? Really? Is this guy like doing science? Yeah. Will it probably be the thing, too? There's really no way of knowing how friggin' lit this orgasm is going to be.

Three hours? Mike Lit says, be careful when practicing edging. Okay. I had a partner that did it often, but by the time he was 35, he found it very difficult to get hard and was rarely able to climax. Very frustrating because he still had a high sex drive. Gun? That was a gun. I've had it too quiet, but it was a gun.

What's the gun represent? Not getting hard. Shooting your dick? Shooting your boner away? It's probably shooting off your dick because it's so bad in it. My boner died. When you can't get hard. Done.

Done. You just got to shoot that thing off. At the same time, though, that's a real warning. Here's my question. What's the diminishing returns of how long you're edging before it just all feels the same? I bet five minutes feels like a very long time, and then three hours is just like, I could have shot this long. That's Einstein's theory of relativity. That's right.

It's true. Your dick will get younger. You know when a train is passing you this direction and a guy's coming out the window and then you're passing it this direction coming out your window? Yeah. And the splat happens in a circle?

This one guy, Matthew Rockwell, says, probably no more intense than an hour of edging. That's exactly what I asked. Yeah, at that point. You hit like an equilibrium. Yeah. it's like a it's like a top

it's like when you drop something off a plane it won't go faster after a certain distance yeah it will just fall at a constant speed is that true

no I think so or does it keep picking up speed it's 9.8 meters per second squared right I know

but doesn't it reach a constant speed in like a vacuum oh maybe in a vacuum because there's no gravity if it's a vacuum why is there gravity we can't be talking

about this they don't want us to talk about this I hate our physics discussions Let's talk about cumming. I think I remembered something like that from high school. Yeah, I like that.

I like that noise a lot. I'm getting scared because I'm wrong about science publicly. I don't know anything about science, but there's got to be a constant speed in edging where it doesn't increase. There must be a maximum blast. That's the point. I was trying to say something kind of smart. There must be a maximum blast. Are you looking that up?

No, I'm just reading. Don't look that up. Whatever I said, though. Wait, wait. Here's a good answer. Just believe what I said. Former worker B, OFF says, better than a straight beat it and shot it. But it's all caps, beat it and shot it.

So you know that he's shot that shit. Just beat it. And shot it. And shot it. Wait, what was this top answer here? Look, I did this today. I did this today. I was edging for almost three hours from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m.

When I finally came, it was explosive. Besides the time I smoked weed, this orgasm was the strongest I ever had. It was just amazing. Usually the semen dribbles out, but this time it squirted five times. I expected it to just dribble out, but instead it went up to my chest. I was so surprised. What? I had actually masturbated two times before this, but it was a couple hours before.

Both times had medium amounts of semen. After I edged for three hours, not only was the orgasm amazing, literally explosive, but my semen shot out five times. How many lies are compacted in this one? I can't tell if you're really good at reading stuff or if this is well-written. It's very bolded. A lot of bolded words. It's very bold, both in font and in gall, to lie so many times in a row.

Cora's amazing for just the sheer, I did this today, and here's everything. Is this Barack Obama? I was going to say. I was in for 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. It was the most explosive shot I've done. Yeah, the counter dribbles out. But it shot five times. This one guy, John Hambrick, says,

how old are you to have been able to achieve this? I'm just getting into my mid-50s and would like to make this happen. And the guy said, I love edging. Yeah, it's true. It is true. I love edging. I love edging. Thanks for that.

And his name is Eddie. Eddie. Eddie edging. Eddie edging. Eddie edging. Oh, first merch idea dropped. We're making the Eddie edging shirts. Edge, edge, edge, and edgy.

You know that cartoon? Yeah, edge, edge, and edgy. Edge, edge, and edgy. Edgy Murphy. He was already pretty edgy. He was really swinging for the fences. All right, this podcast is to end. Yeah, it's done.

All right, so we have to ask a Quora. Do you have any questions you want to ask for Quora? Anybody? Tommy, you have a question you want to ask Quora? No, I got nothing. I'm thinking if you have any questions and was I wondering anything? Yeah, I'm trying to think of what we were thinking. What was the movie idea we had?

We could pitch it to the Quora people. Yeah, it's Black Belt Karate, Champ Funny. I don't see that. Okay. I mean, they made Cocaine Bear. They should let us make that fucking movie. Yeah, I felt like Cocaine Bear was a fun topic that failed on execution in many ways. I didn't see it.

I had the new movie pass so I'm out I'm out seeing movies I gotta get that man I heard it's like what it's 20 bucks and you can see like

four movies a month yeah that's so all your money is worth the thing is it costs it costs six sixteen dollars eighteen dollars

to go to a movie if you go once you're good you can go three more times yeah that's it it really is the ultimate stand up comedian utility belt tool

because you're the only one who is free at 2pm to go see the movie yeah unless you work five days a week like me yeah

well I mean And you're still, like, is it that night a lot of the time, though? It's during the day. Oh, okay. You know, and then I go out at night and do stuff. That's pretty lit. Yeah, it's pretty lit. And then I wake up, and I go, God, I'm so tired.

Every day. Fucking shit. Oh, shit. Wish I was seeing a movie. Goddamn, oh, no, I'm tired again. I keep getting tired. Tommy, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you for having me, you guys.

What do you want to plug on the fucking program? If you want to listen to my podcast, you can. It's called We Cool. It's a podcast where we apologize for stuff. Oh, yes. And people write in apologies when we read listeners' apologies. That was hard doing that over the music. You got it.

Keep going. Yeah, we read listener apologies. Cool. People will be like, I'm sorry I did this. Or they demand apologies. Like a confessions podcast. That's cool. That's really revealing.

You're helping people go to heaven. Huh? You're helping people make it to heaven. We're not letting anybody in. Upstairs. What? I'm not letting anybody in. I'm sending everybody to limbo.

Oh, nice. That's better than hell. All right. I wouldn't send anyone to hell. That's nice of you. I'm a nice guy. This simply must end. All right.

All right. Question everything.