Quorators - What If You Become A Giant With 300 Ft? w/ Ben Katzner

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: How nice is Barack Obama when there's no cameras around? Is the illuminati real and easy to join? I have been of my son coming home from prison. What does this mean? Watch the show on youtube.com/@quorators Follow Ben on social media @ ShaqKatzner Support the kickstarter for Theater of Delights Season 5 https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theaterofdelights/theater-of-delights-season-5

With no further ado, let's get jamming. That's a number one record. That's a new episode of Quarators. Welcome back to the show. Alex is British this week. That's right. You got to do it the whole episode now. That's right.

do all your little riffs not afraid to get stanky with it it's gonna be a problem 60 minutes is nothing but tea time to me it's not an accent if you love it so you know what i mean like it's not work it's like i was i was raised in it right so it's not hard for me per se to just slip into it like a second skin like a second point at the old mum and pops so this is a this is a podcast where we cosplay peaky blinders is that what it is that's my impression of offer saying offer sure uh oh wait we didn't we didn't say the show hello welcome to core raiders welcome to core raiders the podcast where we ask every week what is quora what is it i don't understand how it works it doesn't seem like anybody gets it i'm jeremy this is alex hey welcome back we got a very special

guest for you listener there at home and uh he's all the way from ha ha town ha ha town usa that's right it's a long long time friend of the show we got ben katzner calling in oh hey i'm here good to see you mike it's always good to have a bloke from i know you were raised laughing and i've been raised having a laugh with you love a joke folks we all love to joke around here but it's not a peaky blinders recap podcast something i'm gauging the interest of right now is this peaky blinders reference i haven't seen it i thought you're just doing british and it sounds more and more like we get a peaky blinders show coming off the ground sure yeah because it's there's a lot of great stuff to recap they blind

people with razors hidden in their hats is that why it's called that yeah the peak is that actually why it's called that 100 it's extremely loosely based on real events all right fair enough yeah i knew nothing about this show the events that occurred were like they're in britain people wore hats and uh this is their story sometimes they got cut here's the world's most handsome man to portray it um ben you're familiar with peaky blinders right what first caught your interest I'll be honest I have not finished it I had a hard time watching it the first time around

what caught my interest was everyone was like you should watch this and I said you know what everyone I got nothing going on I love peer pressure rub my nose in it I'll watch it I don't know if you'll like it or not one question are there brothers

yeah I'm in British guys wearing hats yeah this is the show for you This is perfectly the show for you. That's crazy. I've been watching Wolf Hall, which is like an old BBC show about Henry VIII or whatever. And every time I keep watching it, and my brain is like, it's just like Game of Thrones. No, it's not.

I'm like actually an idiot, I think. Is that I'm just like, it's like Game of Thrones. And then I'm like, no, that's just British people. This is like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they were guys. Because they're all teenagers. Wow, there are teenagers like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They're eating pizza. that is historically inaccurate

they did not have the technology for pizza back then in 1994 in Wolf Hall oh Wolf Hall you're not saying it right back in Wolf Hall we couldn't afford pizza right do they know that they can just have a normal name

for a show it doesn't have to be Peaky Blinders it doesn't have to be Wolf Hall you're trying to do hard it could be somebody called Earl or whatever John and Kate plus 8 there's the name of a show There's a normal name for a show. Who are the characters?

John and Eight. Who are they with? Plus Eight. They're with the Eight that they spawned. Oh, they got fully divorced. That guy is a bad person, I think. Is that true? Well, the thing is, if you monetize one child, that's a good paycheck.

If you monetize eight children, that's like a house. Sure. That's a car. And then you think they're probably having the thought of, like, we could get a little more cash if we have a ninth kid. They're also thinking, like, if one of these guys fucking falls off a cliff, like, I'm not gonna notice there's eight of them one of these guys is so funny look if one of these fuckers ends up down a ditch i'm not gonna notice oh no that's the whole point of having a lot of

kids is like everybody used to do that i could spare seven you know yeah number seven by the way just off camera the cat is fully in a pelican case yeah it's pretty you understand what's happening uh this is a good idea we should do that for him every week so he does not fuck up the podcast. You know what? I have my phone. I'll take a picture and put it on the YouTube. You sick son of a bitch. What's your cat's name? That's Waffles. I'm going to call you Tyler. There's another one who

looks a lot like him, but half his size and you will never see her. If you want a picture of Waffles in the podcast case, go to youtube.com slash at Quarators. Check the Patreon. Give us money. Are you nuts? You're going to give out

free cat? No way. I was blown away YouTube can make posts. The entire internet has completely changed Oh yeah you can do posts on YouTube And you can do stories What stories I don't even know like how I'm only getting notifications for this because we share the account

And I see the little pop ups but it's like If I had to check in on this I would not be able to find Our posts And they do like a cutesy little community post And I'm like hey guys thanks for checking out the show And you're like what the fuck is this I never said that This is Alex I never said this

I don't want to know what's up I don't care what's going on. I've been hacked. The government is trying to stop Quora-ators. Well, hey, here's the thing about YouTube is that it's a social media site, and we could transition into a social media site called Quora because that is ostensibly what we should be talking about. That's the premise of the podcast.

Can I just make a quick note? Yes, please, please. We are going to run out of water, so it doesn't matter. Okay, let's get into the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point. It's fine. Nothing matters, and we are on the clock.

and then as hosts on the clock we gotta ask you have you been on quora before every now and then when i look up like a very obscure question i feel like quora comes up yep and i think i spent a lot of my life being being like why do i keep getting this kaora site or whatever you know saying it wrong being socially unacceptable but yeah i'm not like that is the one point of feedback we haven't heard before is that i don't know how to pronounce it It's been Quora the whole time? You've never had someone as dumb as me. We've had everyone be like,

I end up on there by accident all the time, but no one's like, I've always thought it was Fora. What's it called? Search engine optimization or SEO. SEO. Bang. Fantastic. That person should get a raise for sure.

Hold on. What are you going for? You didn't have to kill the cat. that's crazy he shot waffles if I could somehow get all these together in one soundboard I wouldn't have to flip through it to get it

Alex couldn't get to the sound effects so he pulled out a real gun I got so mad hey I've been tempted before folks he was looking for the fucking nonny sound he shot his cat instead that's right

a single gunshot is so unhinged as a soundboard You know what? Because I've done a lot of radio plays or whatever, by the way, Kickstarter. We're one third fun to get on there right now. I have also found submachine gun noises, and no, they are more unsettling.

Just take my word for it. Because there's like a minute, and you live in America, so you're like, oh, there's a public shooting in my house somehow. Oh, I'm being shot at with real guns. Do you think a Foley artist captured that live? And they're like, okay.

Yeah, they went to a local high school. Shoot him again. I didn't get it. I just told you I had a guy I wanted to murder on a soundstage. For the sake of time, please. Ben's booked. He's booked and busy. We've got to get around to the Quoras.

Okay, we have one segment on this podcast, and that segment is at the end of every episode, we write a Quora, and then at the next episode, we read the answers of the guy. Thank you. I think it is a lot of fun. We've got some great answers to this, some from listeners,

some that I thought were from listeners, but then turned out they weren't. They're just from normal crazy people, which is what we want. It is what we want. So the question is, my wife of 10 years watches Sons of Anarchy all the time. Love it. Marry her again. Now she wants a divorce to meet a hot motorcycle

rider for herself. Should I let her do this? That's our question that we asked. It's a good question. I think it's a good one. Should I let her do this? It's just plausible enough to be like a real question. We're learning the language. We are getting good, and I think we're going to be very popular in Quora at some point.

So we got six answers. We said that you have to put the word scrambled eggs in there if you're a listener. So that's how we know that it's them. A phrase that we came up with really with one second of thought, and now we're married to it. We are married to it. Use the word scrambled eggs if you must reply to the post. Please, we are preserving nature. Okay, so here's some real ones.

You know you can't say no. However, you could turn the tables by buying a motorcycle yourself and be a hot motorcycle rider yourself. That's a really good idea. If she comes back, it was meant to be. That's good advice. That's good. If you got money, that's probably your top pick right there.

That's the be the change answer. It does involve riding a motorcycle, which is extremely dangerous if your heart isn't set on it. Yeah. But it also, I will say, that could backfire because just getting a motorcycle is one thing. There's a lot of ways it could backfire. However, one of the big draws of Sons of Anarchy,

they're a motorcycle gang. I think you also have to join a motorcycle club. You have to be in a gang. That's the thing. They don't just ride the motorcycles. They kill people. There's a community. There's a community full of violent offenders

and kind of racist guys who are lovable. A found family. They're an Irish gang in the Midwest. You see it every day. And they cut people with their hats. It's awesome. And then they can't see anymore, allowing anarchy to reign. Are we talking about Peaky Blinders again?

everything's kind of you you slipped our wig this is from Cheryl Zink I really think Cheryl Zink if this is a listener who forgot to put scrambled eggs then please put that in next time but Cheryl Zink is the fakest name I've heard in my entire life I think you have to accept them

as a person they didn't put scrambled eggs your listeners are like honest you know people yes this is a real person if we were scientists we wouldn't disregard data just because it's named Cheryl Zink yeah that's true a racist. I don't know about racist, but something. It's definitely something bad.

General Zink kind of sounds like a Filipino one. Random bias comes up. Another thing you need to know, Ben, is anything you say on this can be taken out of context and put in a TikTok clip where hundreds of thousands of people get really mad at you.

Oh, I'm not worried about me. I'm going to put that at the title like Alex hates Filipino people. Don't do that. specifically Cheryl Z no one cares but me and I'm like no Cheryl says I'm from the

Philippines I almost lost my shit there how sunny you which I think is supposed to be should you how should you feel about divorcing her it's up to you but I wonder if she's thought this through how will she find this hot biker boy

will he want her has she seen what most bikers look like she isn't likely to find a Sam Elliott type biker him I could go for and now back to you when she doesn't find her hot biker and wants to go back to you

because she can't live on the money she makes as a burger flipper will you want her back? think carefully about the whole mess she's creating for herself Cheryl Zink you are creating a whole world I don't know where she got burger flipper she could be very successful

I think she's just looking down on life She's going to leave. She's going to need a job. I guess. I thought she's going to get half your money in this hypothetical situation. Right? Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

This is a fictional family. I'm assuming that we are incredibly rich. Mike E. King says, let her? Will it really matter to her if she's determined? My experience is that once the mind is made up, it's very difficult to change it. If she is that easily swayed into going for a divorce, it may be very difficult to convince her to stick around. That's pretty good. That man's lost to a biker or two in his life.

when the bikers show up it's game over my friend it is very difficult to convince someone not to fall in love with a biker you do not want to go up against the peaky blinders they blind you with razors in their hats that's pretty much all the interesting ones we did a good job this time and how many up cores did we get uh i don't know of course we don't know how to read that i have no idea how to determine that i think it's funny oh go ahead we i'm just i have to say we like learn less about this site every week we understand how to use it less and less which makes you better at the site yes i think so yeah it's funny that not a single person that you read so far or maybe that you read in all of your you know reading journeys was like what do you mean

by let her like she can straight up she can just do it you have no control over it by the way she's a jail i created flipping those burgers um similarly there's a related question on here that i looked at doesn't really have any funny answers but funny question would you let your wife ride on a motorcycle with another guy that is a good question that's a real good i bet you know what the answers we come up with are less important than the genuine answers on this website let's see i mean it's just none of them are that funny it's just a lot of people being like what do you mean top one i don't let my wife do anything so they did catch it on that one although So for this, it is kind of like, well, you know, your consent is probably a little bit

part of it. It's a weird question. Weird answer, though, because he's like, I don't let my wife do anything. She's an adult. She can decide for herself what she wants to do. She can cheat on me. If she were in danger, of course I'd intervene to keep her safe. It's like, wait, what are you talking about?

Same applies to my adult son and his equally as they're just one day apart girlfriend. What? Fellas, would you let another man ride with your adult son on a motorcycle? I mean, you're saying that as like a bit premise, but I guarantee if someone threw that out as a premise on stage, they'd be like, oh, this guy's crushing it. Joe Biden is at it again, making my adult son ride with men on motorcycles. But would you? But would I?

Would you let? Which question? Would you let your wife ride on a motorcycle with another man? Well, first of all, I wouldn't let her to do anything. She's an adult woman who makes her own choices. Answer the question. I think I would quietly be annoyed. Yeah, probably.

I think that's very obvious. Just because motorcycles, I'm sorry to say that they're very sexy. Well, they vibrate the entire time. Would you let your wife put her arms around a motorcycle man? Would you let your wife ride the Sibian with another man? She is an adult woman. You can tell clearly I have never seen the Sibian, by the way. I just think it's a kind of motorcycle.

I like that you call it the Sibian. Like there's one in the world. There's a line around the block. Howard Stern rented it. And then someone else gets it. He stepped out of a lab like, holy smokes. You're going to fucking sit on that Sibian. That's not how he sounds, but that was...

It sounds like a sci-fi premise. The woman's journey to the Sibian. My latest invention is also my greatest. I present to you the Sibian. How's that, fellas? Yeah. Also, wait. Is that what he sounds like?

We got to roll back a little bit. Has Sam Elliott ever been in a motorcycle movie show? Yeah, I don't know. He rides horses. He does. He rides in cars. He's got a mustache. He has a mustache.

You don't even believe that. On a steel horse, they ride. Okay, I just didn't like that Sam Elliott was thrown in there like that. Yeah, well, that person's fucking banned from the show. We're not going to hear from them again. Scramble those eggs. Scramble those eggs, pal. You're done.

Wait, Howard Stern. It's just way too slow. Jesus Christ. I was way too slow about the uptake there. I'm getting faster every week, I swear. When I was in high school, I used to run cross-country, and Howard Stern's daughter ran for another school, and I would just see him once a month at all of our cross-country meets.

Really? Was that intimidating for you? People would come up to him all the time, and he'd be like, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you unless you're going to get on the Sibian. He did like a child. He brings it with him everywhere he goes. It's like it's not a sex thing, but legally I do have to bring it with me.

It's just I can't focus unless you're on it. Okay, let's get into this. This segment is called The Quiz Course. Here on The Quiz Course, we address questions and quoras of national prominence and importance. And politics. And they help you, the median voter, decide how to live your life. Let's hear this one. Okay, here's a question.

How nice is Barack Obama when there's no camera around? I don't think there's ever a moment. That's true. When you have been a president at any set, you're pretty much on TikTok Live forever at that point. How nice is Barack Obama when there's no camera around? He's asleep. That's the one time.

And then not if he wants some money on the weekends, because you can leave that camera running, make eight hours worth of cash. That's a good show. Live feed. Barack Obama asleep. It's on HBO. Obama sleeps.

Obama sleeps. Obama gets his five hours or whatever he does. This is my impression of Obama sleep. Honk. Shoo. Okay, thank you. All right. You should have done that when James Austin Johnson was here.

Yeah. On SNL. Kind of a missed opportunity. I should have just written a list of impressions before he showed up here. I don't know. I thought we'd stumble into one. Good get for you guys, by the way. Thank you.

He was in my movie. Him and then me. Yes. Back to two famous comedians. You're welcome. Yeah. moms are equally excited you were on the podcast um so how nice is barack obama and no one around i would really like if he just turns into queen bitch this i'm not saying that's definitely true

but it would be very funny especially because like you only get to be president if you are like fake nice all the time sure right that's the idea i my honest answer i guess nixon was kind of a bitch what shot fired i mean he was like a prickly pear you know what i'm saying we've all heard the tapes yeah yeah yeah we've all like this is current news this guy we gotta get him out of there wait do people not like nixon he violated the sanctity of the watergate hotel in so many ways i i actually think i think about barack obama just chilling probably more than your average person sure i always picture him as very horny in his downtime i love the idea of horny obama just like chasing after michelle being like you know the camera's off you know

he doesn't care if it's on or out like he's very horny for his wife specifically that's okay you're allowed to do that and because you're allowed to do that he would channel it fully yeah raging passion of his i i i bet you know they still fuck and like they he's probably just like you know like i don't he'd say something like flip flip a nip every now and then they're like grabbing a butt or like you know poking aside house is debating if he wants to do obama voice saying i'm talking so you don't have to do it but he would say something like um allow me

to be clear I'm but fuck Obama sure that would be something he could say now was it fuck or but fuck but fuck Obama maybe he's but fuck he's like the guy who killed Bill with the name on his fingers

it says but fuck Obama they're also on his toes is it Obama is it three puns that's enough I'm pretty sure there's someone in the world that has a butt fuck Obama knuckle tattoo. Oh yeah absolutely

on their horrifying hands. It's Barack Obama I was going to say Michelle but yeah. They're constantly explaining the tattoo everywhere they go Yeah I think he's horny I bet he's constantly trying to 69 Oh yeah he was

Michelle Michelle come on You know you gotta ride it. I like that in our wildest Joe Biden taught him how to eat pussy or something. Just get in there, Jack. You gotta treat it like an ice cream.

You gotta spell the alphabet. Teach her how to read down there. Good lord, what are our children learning? Those are our wildest dreams of Barack Obama. He just is Bill Clinton. That's like our big hot take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But respectfully, just with his wife.

Yeah, but just with his wife. Not in a bad way. No. Okay, well, what are the guesses here? I bet it's a lot of, like, bag of people. Yeah, let me see. That is correct. There's 100-plus answers.

Oh, no. If it was up to me, the only thing he'd be doing is going back to Africa. That was just the one I wrote. I'm blowing these eyes. Yeah, this is from Ben. Show your birth certificate. No, I think Quora's pretty liberal, right? I think a lot of these are, like, people who've met him.

Really? yeah so this is not a lot of people i took his constitutional law class in 2001 when he was just a state senator before became nationally known as a teacher he was engaging courteous and clear the class was an elective and it was packed full two times we talked outside of class he was generous with his time when is he horny though barack obama's not gonna fuck you yeah you're not michelle yeah he's he's bill clinton but just for michelle that's the theory craft of barack obama that's how he laid out his stats one guy wrote like a fucking book in the replies jesus christ just read like the middle sentence find the exact middle and just see if it's fun on his

next campaign stop in my little town he met with me and his friends to thank us for the help and support and each of us got to spend 10 minutes with him one-on-one these are the most boring people in the world that's actually kind of weird they each got to spend 10 minutes with him that's a lot of minutes that's so much time yeah damn now i kind of want to read the rest of it what did they do it's too hard they're like we built the drones that help him kill people we were at an event where barack obama could spend 10 minutes with your wife if you were there's a lot of money on the table he's very nice the catch was she did have to dress up like michelle

i just want to convince him to keep guantanamo open he really listens to people all right is there any funny answers i can't find a good one that's okay we got a lot of people being like he's a nice dude he's horny for his wife i bet i wonder if there's anyone there i think a nipple flick is like a married thing i don't want to get too much into your gotcha looking you know cold out here you know one of those uh i bet there's someone in there who's like he actually shared a cigarette with me or something i mean i kept that cigarette and I'm going to clone Barack Obama. Barack Obama bombed my cigarette.

That son of a bitch owes me $8. He stole my beer. Yeah, I can't find anything other than he's a great dude who's very sweet. This is a pro-Obama podcast. His impurities probably got scrubbed from the internet a long time ago. That's true. The Secret Service maintains Quora.

That would rule. Take the red pill. Realize who runs Quora. All right, well, here's a similar question, very related. Is the Illuminati real and easy to join? okay this is important what do you think is the illuminati real and easy to join um i think it is real and if we're being boring it's probably like a defunct organization from like 1400 where now it's just like a bunch of middle class people who like get have a meet up every week or whatever

but if we're not being boring and we're pretending it's like the illuminati illuminati like jay-z's in it uh i also think that's real and it's really hard to get into you have to do puzzles and stuff it's a there's a whole da vinci code process between you and the illuminati at the end i i i hope it's real because i have sacrificed so many kits like you do not seem close to in the illuminati bed i'm saying this as a friend the body's in my closet you know like oh my goodness And not even a call? Truly not even like an email that's like, keep at it. You're on the path.

We couldn't fit you in this year, but keep submitting. We'll get you in next year. Not even that. Not even a round two. I have to believe in the Illuminati. I've done some terrible things. I love the idea that you're doing it like it's your packet for the Illuminati. All right, guys.

My idea this year, killing a kid. Drinking a club. Desk bits. Throw someone into a volcano. If I don't get the Illuminati in, like, five years, I think I'm just going to go back to grad school or something. I got to change my life. I don't know. Go back to Minnesota.

Just kind of, like, get financially grounded. Yeah. And then see if maybe the Illuminati just pans out later. The thing about the Illuminati is I hear they're just taking everyone from TikTok now. It's just TikTok kids. They don't have to. Who aren't grinding. Like, what are we even doing the Illuminati for if we're just doing TikTok?

Like, this kid's not even wearing a mask. Like, everybody knows exactly what you're doing. Like, what are we doing here? Oh, it's just lip-syncing the pharaoh. It's so boring. It's not anything. Yeah, my Illuminati packet would 100% be like, pyramids, we haven't done those in forever.

That's our whole thing for a while. Reading mean tweets about the presidents. Okay, well, I want to hear from unfunny people about Israel. real charles fletcher says no there are scammers who will be happy to take your money in exchange exchange for membership and something that doesn't exist rejected rejected from the illuminati who is the illuminati pulling like the name a star scheme are people joining the illuminati hi i'm claire calling from the illuminati i was just wondering if i don't know you wanted to join up like claire i know you're bullshit i would love if the illuminati was real we just got all to complain

about it on twitter like it's like the snl writing staff and it's like am i the only one who's noticing that all harvard graduates are it's all because their dads weren't in it something terrible happens and you're like at illuminati my dad died because i can't even think of the rest but you know what i'm doing oh great self pretend they're a southwest yeah yeah that was the bit i lost it in the middle of it i'm gonna be honest i blame the illuminati they're frying my brain from wherever they are oh great david coke's grandson made it in this year i bet he's really funny there's probably crossover between snl and illuminati absolutely this is a bit that'll have you seen the fucking okay this is extremely inside baseball but i have

snuck into an snl after party do not ask me why uh can i ask you how yeah like eight years ago i knew a guy who knew a guy who was like invited and then like got invited to the fancy restaurant they go to and it is like all mason signs on the wall like gold like the restaurant has what you would imagine an illuminati restaurant is i know it's just like a rich restaurant in new york but it looks like we're meeting with uh fucking the president there's like golden statues of people sewing wheat and shit it's crazy did you like hang out with any snl people no or illuminati members i tried to meet up with uh somebody i knew from college who was on the writing team and she wouldn't answer my texts and then two gay guys tried to have sex with me and that was my experience

wow you had sex with colin joseph yeah i was kind of too starstruck i didn't land it they're the ones trying to land something you know they're like we're taking a cab if you want to hang out and i was like i'm not funny enough to hang out oh i don't know yeah guys if you're listening you got to just say yes yeah entertainment is about saying yes and joining the Illuminati at the SNL fuck party. I have not gone back since. I am not wanted there. Yeah, you weren't really wanted at the first one either.

Oh, very important detail. I was coming from a high concept all comedy show where I was holding a full-size dog container the entire time, like a dog cage. That's fun. In the fancy restaurant. The fact that you got in holding that is good. Surrounded by mason symbols.

So mason symbols, I believe I was dressed as an elf holding a dog's cage. okay but if someone walking past saw that they'd be like yeah the illuminati is in there right they've got the dog cage it's just like you know that's what they're putting the interns in look how many people are trying to fuck him right now at least like a damn elf okay i've never been to an snl party i don't think i want to go ben you gotta go i've never been and no one's asked me to you gotta go i was not invited again reiterating that on air no one is knocking on my door to go to snl after parties

and no gay guys are trying to fuck me well you don't know that you don't know that i feel like i do if you don't know that put it in put it in the website will you fuck me that's our question dear gay guys that is just ignorant enough to get feedback i feel like is how do i know if gay guys are trying to fuck me and then people will be like how do you know if anyone's trying to fuck you. Pheromones. Yeah. Okay. We have a second Illuminati question. This is a different segment, though, right? I mean, this one's

in Forbidden Knowledge, but it's not like there's any real ideological difference between these segments. I have to play the theme song. It's a difference. People have made fun of us a little bit for saying we have one segment every episode and then having several segments, but I kind of like it. It's our running joke now. We have to do it.

Or else we'll look stupid. Every segment has a sub-segment. That's just how segments work. Yeah. really we just need a new word if you use a dresser and then you put something in individual drawers you're not like well this is four dressers this is one dresser

this is four drawers in one dresser thank you so we're talking about capacity of the language is what we're discussing and that's what Quora is all about I think we should speak more with our bodies go ahead and read the question this was sent in by Kyle I'm getting a hint here

If you join the Illuminati, will you go to hell? I'm in the Illuminati, and I'm 18 years old. So this answers the last question. It is real and easy to join. It's easy to join if you have the right connections. You should have asked this question before joining, probably, if you, A, think hell is real and that your soul might be damned by joining an infernal organization.

You know when you do a job interview and they're like, do you have any questions for us? My number one question is, if I do this, am I going to go to hell? there's not gonna be like demons poking me forever is there if i work for gas digital god is cool with this right just making sure this is in the bible oh boy do we think you will go to i don't i mean if god created everything if you believe in god yes and uh i know all three of us oh yeah this comes up every we are a little we all believe we got a little bit of god in us you know that's right if god created everything that's that that sound you were pointing at me i'm like

oh is the mic not close enough but you were just agreeing with i'm not used to people agreeing with me oh sorry i'll eat the mic a little more when the big fan comes up i gotta gotta give a god created everything so true dog the illuminati illuminati is part of everything how do you spot someone who's not in the illuminati they call it the illuminati no dude i love the illuminati let's go let's do whatever we do there sick yeah honestly like i think you're good every week i have genochrome i had genochrome like every other night honestly so sick me and pusha t once ate a girl that's oh by the way optimistic thinking pusha t's in there i don't know about that um well that's so that's what a lot of rappers say they're like do you think i'm in the illuminati

You think they let black people in the Illuminati? That's what they all say. But if it was going to be one person, it's not going to be somebody who's not on the radio that much. You know what I'm saying? Shots fired a push of tea. Push of tea. I think you're great.

I'm just saying. I think you're too good for them, honestly. He's listening to this at home. He's like, yeah. Not going on a Corators podcast. You're not invited, okay? We don't want you. You're not even in the Illuminati.

There's a very mean diss track coming out about me next week. Alex sucks. You are hiding a bad podcast. Featuring one Filipino woman. Okay, well, what are the answers? Of course you're in the Illuminati, but what about the strict rule of not uttering a word about that you are, in fact, a member?

Oh, shit. From the moment you posted this, your membership was canceled. Tearsay. All that money and gold you were promised gone up in smoke and you only have yourself to blame the woke mob

has gone too far now you're in hell and you're broke I don't think the Illuminati if it exists where's the camera wink

I knew where the camera was I was trying to do a bit I know I get you I don't think they do they promise money and gold

or do they promise like power yeah amorphous power do they need to promise something I feel like if you're joining the Illuminati

you know what you're getting into right yeah I think you like Do they need to win you over and they're like, this is our great gold plan. Like they scout you. That you get to worship

at this statue for a little bit. First of all, what do you think of Ball? You're going to be spending a lot of time with statues of him. I hope you like the blood of young men. We're all very close. With our Illuminati Plus package,

you can drink whoever's blood you want. Okay, that's good. That's a good question. Are there tiers to entry? There have to be. You can't give the keys to the castle to an Illuminati rookie. They're going to do a double-decker in your best toilet or something. I would hope there's senior mentorship.

I would hope that. Hey, man, I'm not like all those other Illuminati members. I'm a cool Illuminati guy. Can I suck your toes? Honestly, when I joined the Illuminati, I thought they were way more put together than this. I don't know if they just let, like, Raphael Koch run the whole meeting. you all right buddy that's just such a fun i just really need it to be real because i want that

i need a father figure in my life so i'm gonna join the illuminati uh okay so i think they would probably not like that you say it but people are just mad at this guy if hell is real you definitely go there for joining a satanic organization i feel like that's That's the one rule. You definitely go there for using Quora. Jeremy. You got an Ask Jeeves guy over here. Jeremy's always trying to go on Google on this podcast.

A lot of people are just saying the Illuminati's not real. And it's like, that's not the question. Not the question. Am I going to hell? Yeah, we want to know about hell. I'm a fertile young man. I'm 18 years old. I got my whole life ahead of me.

I think you just need to repent before you die and you're good. Yeah. That's most of it. Depending on the Christianity, for sure. You got to just get those prayers in, honestly. Prayers up. Prayers up. People are so mad.

Prayers up. I killed a bunch of kids. There are so many answers that are just like, you are not in the Illuminati. It is not real. Liar. You're not telling the truth. That person just finds out. They're like, oh, my God.

Did I just join a club? Do I just have friends who like me, but they're kind of dark? Is he in a book club? Oh, you know what? I thought it was the Illuminati, but instead it was the Blockbuster Rewards Program. him. That is my bad. Equally ancient. One comment just says blocked and muted.

Wow. Is there anything you can do? Do not try to talk to that guy Aguora again. You are not invited. Why are they so salty about this? Just because they don't think the Illuminati exists. If you're that mad, you're probably in the Illuminati and you're like, no, you're not supposed to ask Aguora.

Who let this guy in? One guy says, look fella, we've all been through the same stage life life stage you're at now that stage where you just left childhood and life is steadily coming to you like a freight train and making you think that life is merely those strong lights you see and that insistent honking you hear and thus you think that you know it all and you're right about almost everything because you're facing life eye to eye by the way i always think life is just a honking we've all been in this situation stage where we're in the illuminati and we're

wondering if we're going to go to hell honk honk honk what i don't like about the way this person is responding is he's like we get it you think you know everything it's like no this person's literally asking a question yeah you're not a reasonable question okay bitter asshole person um yeah there's i don't know and everyone's just mad yeah don't be mad at the illuminati just because they get bread get that paper up just because they stack paper and you're jealous print and stack paper that funds the dark web. I'm here at the adrenochrome bank every day

with all the fucking blood I got going. Alright, let's skip this question. We have too many more to go through. Yeah, that question sucks. This was sent in by Cody. Shout out to Cody. Shout out to Cody. Slam that. I'm gonna edit it so that sounded good.

What if you become a giant with 300 feet? Okay. So I think with 300 feet means 300 feet tall. Pretty sure. I don't know. I don't have an answer to that. I think we have to go off face value here. I think you're a giant with 300 feet.

Well, how tall am I? Is it weird? It's spelled F-T, so not F-E-E-T, which would be a lot of feet. Right. That's what makes me think it's a height. But you know what? If it was 300 feet, that just makes you like a mega spider or whatever. It makes you like a millipede.

Of course. A giant millipede. A mega spider. Or just like a big foot person. You're just all feet. That guy is all feet. To be a giant, technically, you can be nine feet tall.

You can be nine feet tall, all feet. I've seen Cloverfield. That's a giant with 300 feet. That's a good point. Yeah. So what if you became one? You've got to watch where you step, brother. Shoe budget would be crazy.

What if you became? The first answer is, this is impossible. unlikely just the least fun person on the internet i don't see it happening i would never become a giant with 300 feet you're lying next question solved it um he does go on to say that it's like physically impossible i guess according to the square cube law if we were 11 to 12 feet which is double the size of an average human our bones would be four times stronger but We would weigh eight times as much at 300 feet. We're about 50 times the size.

We would be 2,500 times stronger. But who fucking gives a shit, dude? It's a lot of math to say that I can't wait to see our first human giant. The question isn't how strong would my bones be. The question is, what if you become a giant with 300 feet? It's so clear. Everybody knows what the question is. The question is, what if you became a giant, books?

Not how many numbers can you say to me right now? i don't think you have what it takes to get that big i love a challenge i'm so fucking pissed at that guy next time i'm on this podcast i'm gonna be a giant with 300 feet that would be awesome where are we gonna record it people they told me i couldn't be a giant last time i was here you guys were really skeptical i don't know if you remember that but that's what it was like i think you could do it i think there's probably someone working on like a serum right now to make a 300 foot

giant. For himself. So he can like fight Spider-Man or something. Or herself. Or their self. That's so fucked up I said him. You're never going to make giant status now. Let me guess if it's a giant with 300 feet it has to be a man.

One of the feet is a penis. You're telling me a woman couldn't be with 300 feet? That's crazy. It can't be a man because the square cubic law says that their penis would have to be so large. You're touching on a real thing. I wish I was touching it.

Well, you know. Even if you had a micro penis, but you were 300 feet tall. Oh my god, it would be huge. It would be like a house. Yeah, it would be like a flat screen. That's the one thing it would have been. If you were a giant

with a micro penis with 300 feet, I would fight very hard to make sure nobody else is ever a giant, so they don't know that my penis is a micropenis. I don't want to be compared to a giant with a regular penis. That's going to be devastating for me.

And that's very insecure of me and lacks forethought because of self-preservation. I'll never be able to procreate, whatever, but I'm going to go down swinging a big old dangle, and I like that. People are going to think it's a big old dangle. This is just how giants have penises.

This is normal for a giant. Whoa, look at that thing. I know, right? probably huge in our community but you'll never find out you know giant hitler had a micro penis that explains so much which again is normal size for giants because there was only one right that's the clip by the way just that five seconds what what i was gonna say i do think like if we are gonna be a giant with 300 feet i think i guess like a female identifying person with lighter bone structure might make sense because of the cubic feet scenario

that has been laid out. Yeah, because of a woman's grace. Allowing to dance with 300 feet. Oh, way up in the air. It's fun watching you both get bored with a question in real time. It's like, let's move on to the next one.

There's no more answers, unfortunately. Our problem is that other people weren't thinking good enough. I'm really expanding. I'm trying to drill down into this It's important because it might happen It's going to happen to you Trust me, I'm in the Illuminati

It's happening We've got a new giant potion I feel so bad that I'm doubting Ben like this I can't see him as a giant with 300 feet Okay, well When I step on you And leave your cat with no Pop-up bear

Who will feed my cat Besides my wife who will be riding a motorcycle by the way hey yeah this is right to interrupt this i know someone who has a giant fetish i was gonna say oh that's a yeah that's a fun thing a friend of mine well i mean it'd squash you don't do that are they are they practicing irl or is it just vids i've never i've never said a sentence like that my entire life that's so funny i don't know do you pretend you're small then you're like yeah he's into like like bigger women oh no like that's different fetish no no not like like he was into like giant women i mean so not that he would be a

giant yeah but how many women giants are there to date because if you have gigantism you don't you're not around long he's never he's never acted on it as far as i know he just goes to a lot of wmba games yeah he's very stoked you guys are all really good athletes there's there's like a definite porn category you see where it's like oh no i'm so big and i'm gonna sit on you yeah No, don't let me get caught in your cheeks. You can write this down if you want. Oh, no, I can't just live in the crack of your bosom forever. There was a TikTok trend for a little bit where people were pretending that women were giants.

And I almost sent it to him to be like, this is your thing. And I was like, I don't want to do this. It's happening. It's weird when you try to bond with your dude friends over something that's vulnerable but also kind of porn. i have a friend we have a mutual friend i won't say it on the podcast well i'll tell you later who's like into pregnant women sure sure and and very often i'll see a pregnant like po like i don't know just like a cute pregnant lady and i'll be like i should send this to this person and then i'm like i don't know if i should you know is that where we want to be

hey you should jack off to this that's how i felt about it i shouldn't even know about this Hey, found another one. That's kind of what I do. That's a fun thing to send to somebody because you're kind of like, ah, somebody got to her first again. I highly doubt it. You'll get to the next one.

I love to think that we have the same friend and he told me he has a giant fetish and he told you he has a pregnant fetish. He's really into giant pregnant women. Which, I'm going to be honest, guilty. I think it would be fun. This may be too far, but what if we say his name at the same time?

Three. It's two, one, Walter White. Horny Barack. Fair enough. Come on, Michelle. Just put on that giantess pregnant lady pack that I gave you. God, some of these riffs. I need people to know that I did come from working today, and I also worked today.

Look, we can't record them all at 3 p.m. People have jobs. uh i here's i picture barack obama michelle wearing one of those fake like pregnant lady things yeah and then he's also like okay so you're pregnant and you're 300 with feet what was it whatever it was role play begins uh please please leave my village alone Oh, Barack. Oh, Barack, what are you going to do to me? Michelle's British, right?

Well, she's been watching Peaky Blinders. It's all coming in on itself. You may be the president, but you're just the size of your thumb. Just for those listening, this is horny Peaky Blinders Michelle Obama talking about being a giant. It's all the bits. You may be the commander-in-chief, but I'm the commander-in-queef. That's right, I'll do whatever I want Because I'm so big

That might be the best comedic moment The world has ever heard Wow, huge We're so lucky to have this gift What's crazy is There's 40 more questions left There's a lot of them Oh my god

How many do we have left? We have four left written down Oh wait, are we doing querenting? Yes That's enough That's the querenting segment Okay, that's enough. That's not bad.

That's enough. We're talking about kids, and you got to say that's enough to them. All right. This is in the Quora community. Ask your dream meaning. So this is a dream. Okay. This is toughy.

I have been of my son coming home from prison. What does this mean? Period. What? See? I have been of my son coming home from prison. What does this mean? Period.

The question is, I have been of my son. This was sent in by Matthew Rapay. Coming home from prison. I assume that's how you pronounce it. I'm not going to take any other guesses at it. What I like about this so much is that it's written like it's from the Bible. And so it may be word salad, but it may just be like, I ate my son. I fucked my son.

I don't know. This is a dream I had. I have been of my son. Doesn't it sound like, and then Paul asks Peter, have you been of your son? Not until he comes home from prison. And may thou take part. That's funny. Wait, what was the second part?

And then someone's got to explain to you, like, back then when people came home from prison, you ate them. That was just how it was back then. I have been of my son coming home from prison. What does this mean? I assume they mean to say, like, I dreamt of my son coming home from prison. Oh. Right? Well, that was a crazy way to phrase it, then.

I do like the structure of asking word salad and then what does this mean? And also it's a dream, so it's like I feel like I'm in a dream right now reading this fucking crazy question. More like a nightmare. More like a nightmare. More like a grammar nightmare. I mean, I guess

my answer would just be like, well, do you want your son to come home from prison? Is it a good thing that your son is coming home or is it bad? Is he in prison because of you? Did he try to kill you or something? Did you say one of your weird sentences and he's like, I'm going to murder you.

Why do you keep saying you've been of things You're from Ohio I have begot Much of my work today son Takes a gun and shoots him Also Matthew cheating on this one Gave an answer himself To this question

You can't do that Bad behavior Do not reward him for that We don't like to do this It was just a slur So there's only one answer on this question so really it's up to us to figure it out um okay so hannah uh to shmaw to uh shamawa says it's tsh the tricky one hannah chamala this is a great episode for made up names

hillary zinc says so the dream is i have been of my son coming home from prison what does this mean and hannah says if he's literally in prison he is coming home oh from downtown if he isn't then he is getting out of whatever is imprisoning him. Whoa. Giant porn. That's a very deep answer, but I really like the original one where she's like,

it's just what it is. If he's coming from prison, then that's what he's doing. It is what it is, man. But if he's imprisoned by his addiction to pregnant giant porn, then he's breaking free. God, I really want to say his name, but I'm like...

Tunneling through the walls of the prison. to climb through a river of shit and escape his jacking off. Do y'all ever feel like you're just trapped in a prison of your own making? Constantly. Yeah. A little bit.

Yeah, I think every time I've had a bad podcast idea and then have to do it for a full hour, I'm like, why did I? Why did I commit this crime? This was not a full idea. Every time someone tweets at me saying it was a bad joke, I'm like, what have I done? Oh, boy.

I had a job at the government. Wait, what was your government job? i used to work for the department of education oh i didn't know that i used to work for the department of human rights nice it was a shit show they should not have hired me or anybody else if you're a young listener the public sector is booming and you gotta get in it's good because i just didn't work hard there yeah it's great for me truly they almost kind of like love it when you don't work yeah they like it that's what's up that's why the government's so cool yeah they're great jobs that's why that obamacare website was so good yeah it was just entirely jeremy and ben's

i'm writing a pilot i don't need to be good at this i'm gonna be the illuminati when i'm older i don't care i'm working on something the key to government jobs are like you finish something in like 20 minutes and then you take a week to finish it i would argue that's the key to any job but some jobs you can get in trouble and in the government i was literally a permanent employee so it was really hard to fire me yeah and i quit to do comedy for less money wow yeah for sure for less for less money yeah who would believe i'm acting incredulous about this um okay for the illuminati that was a better answer on the i have been of my son coming home from prison than i

thought we were gonna get for sure i have been of my son coming home from i thought for sure we were just gonna get a lot of like speak english what does this mean um okay this one was sent in by Connor Rowell. Connor's killing it. Why are people putting their full names in? This is nuts to me. Should I not be saying it?

No, they put it on the internet. That's crazy. Well, this person, I'm saying these are people who emailed us these questions. I can find you the names of the people asking

the questions too. I didn't want to talk to you about this. Should I not say this? Well, I don't know if we want... There are definitely some people who are like,

I don't want to be listed on a podcast where you're talking about fucking giants sorry Michelle Obama I feel like I feel like maybe I'm wrong about this the kind of people who are sending us quoras are the kind of people who are like I hope they say my name on the podcast that's probably if you don't want to get swatted uh send an email tell me in an email if you don't want me to say your name if you do not want Barack Obama to triple tap your wedding out of office do not

send in your name to the quarators at gmail.com so yeah okay I guess I thought we were going straight off the website just random i mean i missed a step here even though you did we were originally and then we were like why are we doing all this right of course absolutely so people have been emailing us chorus but we're reading i'm on the website reading the question reading answers someone has sent us because we all once you use quora one time quora finds your email and sends you a daily email of like 10 quora it also finds her grandmother and we'll take care of her if you don't yeah or every day um so i don't know i mean how many emails you get from quarter a day because i get like literally like four emails a lot of them go to spam so it's kind of hard to keep up

but that's a theme with you by the way every podcast i've ever done with you like the spam is crazy alex gets zero emails a day to his inbox look it's found out that i want to know about ghosts and i just get like a lot of information about ghosts if you search alex patak on quora it says like ghosts is that true yeah i mean maybe just because like i'm on your quora but let me see let me go yeah that's true that's a that's a um biased experiment it says ghosts big titties maybe are we on beautiful women images if you search if you search out to attack it's like newly married here has anyone ever married a cryptological beast yeah from episode three i believe i don't know if we read that one all-time class yeah that's our question that's

quiet comes up oh are you right is that actually our question yeah because we were talking about skinwalkers this was on the show jeremy i don't listen we had we talked about this for hours to be fair this is like episode 600 no it's not it's episode 23 oh yeah you should remember every time i do a podcast it's right out of my brain immediately gone you have to remove that information you can't just sit on all the things we've been talking about i am nothing but encouraging for people forgetting what we've said on the show it's just that's why that's coming up Okay, fair enough. Okay, so can you please answer the question, please?

My neighbor is pregnant. She believes Wi-Fi has some kind of radiation and will harm the child. So she asked me to turn off my Wi-Fi. How should I respond to her? Bitch, get fucked. What are you talking about? Turn off my Wi-Fi?

Enjoy your radiated child. Okay, let's turn off science when you birth your child, you dumb idiot. What are you talking about? This is definitely somebody who does not live in a city, first of all, because you would have to go up to like 60 people and be like, hey, I see you're within 100 feet of my apartment

in a 360-degree angle because you can live above or below me, and I have a bun in the oven. Are you biker babe 45? I'm going to need you to shut down for nine months while mama cooks a little baby. Here's a library card. This could be a great way to learn. I wonder how she feels it harms the kid,

if it gives him an extra finger or he's going to have ADHD or something. The kid can perceive Quoro. It's in the womb. He's reading all of the websites. It's too much information. It's like when you play classical music for your baby and it becomes smarter, but if you use the internet next to it, it sucks up all the internet you use.

Yeah, your baby comes out really dumb because it had to answer too many dream interpretations. Your baby comes out knowing memes. I am of my mother. We're the giants. I was once in a prison, but I have broken free. My mother is a giant. my mother is a giant and i'm attracted to her so how do you think so do you think also a side note when you're a baby your mother is a giant i'm sorry that is true that's one of the loopholes

oh my god you're right they don't want us to talk about all mothers are giants to babies that's fascinating and so micro i bet if you have a giant fetish it's probably tied to a baby oh no oh i would have said mother to my friend who has a giant fetish i'm really sorry if this the first episode you decided to listen to i'm not sorry you need help you're a baby my bad okay that's fun um so they they must live yeah so their neighbors do you think it's an apartment complex you think it's a shared no what i'm saying is in order to have the gall to do this you got to be in the suburbs or somewhere where like there's one so you're telling your next door neighbor she's like walking over yeah you're walking over the next house how would you even

know i'm probably getting blasted a little bit with your wi-fi my nipples are tingling is your wi-fi i can feel the 5g in my breasts and i need you to turn it off breast milk is coming out green i think someone's got wi-fi on the like tone with which you would ask a neighbor to turn off their wi-fi for your baby is my favorite part of just like well let's all be considerate of my baby you need you cannot go on the internet for nine months that's so funny what yeah what do people say to this i i would say if it were up to me i would tell her to go get like a unabomber cabin and just live in the woods then yeah like what are you doing living in society that's true this is a question of personal agency she should just get away from you yeah i don't feel like it's so

tough to have a non-technological life right now i think i would think it's irresponsible to have a kid fact yeah if you if you're like i want my kid to grow up in nature you're in the wrong time yeah you're in the wrong timeline honey i know people kind of do it but they don't really do it they don't really only the only the fucking liver king and he's being sued now he's being like 25 million dollars he's a faker he used the wi-fi he shouldn't have done that that really is what it boils down to he was chock full of wi-fi okay um um one person says i find laughter works you can't fix stupid you can only laugh at it and there's a laughing emoji and there's an emoji. An arrow pointing to the

right, which I don't know who that's to. Ha ha! That's Mike Down. He studied at the University of Life. Parentheses still there. He's still there. He's still laughing. Classic. He could be a doctor by now with all the years he spent at the University of Life. What does that answer mean? You gotta

laugh. You just gotta laugh. Like the pregnant lady who's worried about the health of her child. I think this is to the person who's being asked to turn off their Wi-Fi. Does any other guest get this confused about the website. You're the only one. Everyone else is like, makes sense

to me. I don't even find it comedic. This is a normal website. We have a lot of episodes where we're just kind of nodding and moving on. This one, for some reason, giant Michelle Obama who fucks you keeps coming up. I'm not mad about that one.

This is an informational podcast normally. Yes. I did choose the genres on iTunes and I chose educational and comedy, so that is true. That is a fact. People are showing this to their baby. It's for kids. Well, no, because of the Wi-Fi.

Kids do not listen to this. Don't get within 90 feet of this. Her rental discretion is advised. Friday White says, change your SSID to BabySafe Wi-Fi and tell her that you have updated your router to a BabySafe one and she'll be happy. That is a really

good answer. That is a good idea. That's a genuinely good idea. That is maybe the smartest answer I have heard on Quora two dates since starting this show. Shouts out, Friday White. Friday White. That's a crazy name. I love it. I'm a little nervous about it, but yeah. His picture is

of an alien. He's a former scientist. Yeah, before he got into the alien stuff. Excommunicated for something we're not going to talk about. That's a really good answer. I would have never thought of that. Yeah, that's really good.

I don't think enough people are focused on tricking the woman this much. They're usually just like, tell that bitch to fall in a hole i mean that's basically what my response my gut response is fuck you yeah you did say that how dare you um one person says say no then walk away close the door whatever you have to do to put distance between the two of you like she's not gonna kill you yeah isn't like a john wick nancy reagan ass response call the police get out of there while you can that is the usual horror response to any social interaction is the police will be there within 15 minutes they will disarm her they will contain her they will use her questions

against her in a kinetic situation most people are just saying like turn off the signal on your wi-fi that says like if it's on do not change anything the moment you open the door to life suggestions from this woman it's over they're just saying like the display like it should make it so that it's like you other people can't see that it's uh that is a pretty easy one um i liked baby save wi-fi the best that's the best one uh this guy whose name is shitty advice oh i guess we'll see if this is true man another real name crazy he says uh or sorry i don't know actually says steven uh it says steven maynard oh this website is i don't understand it he says for this to work you must be totally sincere can you do that okay for demo purposes only wrap your

cell phone in aluminum foil leave the screen area uncovered go see your neighbor show her the cell phone and tell her you've wrapped all your wi-fi gear in foil tell her you read in scientific american magazine that this technique would nullify the transmitted wi-fi waves from the ground up to about 500 feet within one mile of your home while still allowing the signal to get through then tell her she now now needs to get everyone within a square mile to do this at their homes too if she wants to protect her unborn unborn child from growing a penis in the middle of its forehead remember be sincere then go home and take the fucking foil off your phone um i don't think this would work but it is shitty advice yeah i did appreciate that it's not as good as the other

guy the other guy the issue is too much effort on my behalf to prank this woman i kind of like the prank though in the sense of like you get everybody she gets everybody to do it everybody's bought it and then i think what you want to do is be like oh my god i just found out they came out with 5g and just be like oh no this is all for not your child's gonna be ruined i would say with the level of effort it's like if i was jim from the office this is what i would do but in real life i would just be like no yeah this is a good prank if your neighbor is dwight shroot i truly only came on this podcast because i thought you were jim from the office i misled you about that I'm sorry.

I was not Jim from the office. This is a Peaky Blinder situation all over again. Somehow. I don't know how I figured it out. I also am not Jack Ryan. Oh. What? I'm not in that movie with those monsters.

I thought you were a quiet place. No. Again, that's all John Krasinski. I only came on this podcast because I thought you could save me from the monsters that can hear. I've been meaning to tell you why the numbers are not doing as good as we initially expected. I have not been talking. I'm not John Krasinski. I don't want to get eaten.

I was told that I was coming on an episode of the Office Ladies podcast featuring John Kaczynski. So I'm a little flustered right now. Isn't it wild there's like four podcasts about the office from the office cast members? The minute rich people figured out they could get money by doing nothing, which is our idea that we do, this game has been ruined. How sad must it be to know you have like the fourth most popular office cast members podcast? Oh, you know, like they do an office reunion and someone's bringing it up. and be like, uh-oh, bottom five's coming through. It's Creed.

Creed actually probably the best one. Creed's sick. I don't know that guy. It may not be the most appreciated, though. He's a TikTok guy now. Really? Yeah. Creed?

He's doing dances. Good for you. Not only were you on The Office, but you're on TikTok. After I graduated, Kevin from The Office came to my school to perform as Kevin from The Office. Perform what? What was he doing as Kevin? And now a scene from the office.

It's me as Kevin. Hi, I'm Kevin. Spills chili. One of you took my lunch. Yeah. That's it, everybody. Crush. I made $15,000.

Probably, yeah. It feels like the exact number, actually. Yeah, colleges pay very nice for that. That's a really good circuit if you can get into it. Okay, we got two more animal segments. Make it 10. What time do you have to leave? You know, I got time for the fans.

No, I'm sorry. Wrong button. Cora gone wild. It's your animal segment. Cora gone wild. These are both sent in by our boy, Cody. Hey, sea dog. Sea dog?

Number one, what's a lion's weakness? What is a lion's weakness? The tail. I was going to say the mane. The mane is definitively not a lion's weakness. What? What if you grabbed it? It's right next to its head.

The biting part of the lion. That'll get you. Or the claws, the sharp part. Also, the most dangerous lion is the female lion. It doesn't have a mane. True. Fuck. You didn't realize you were walking into the lion's den of lion knowledge with me sitting here, though.

Welcome to the lion's den. I'm your host, Alex Patak. I'm not letting shit get past me about lion info. Yeah, the answer is definitely the tail. If you could snip it with a samurai sword, it would be rendered weak. If you have a samurai sword, you're hitting the tail. Yeah. Well, first of all, it's going for me.

I'm ducking under it, and I'm coming up behind. Up, cut through under the tail. Wear it as a jacket. Yeah, and then I get inside it like a tauntaun. So what's the lion's weakness? It's cutting it in half. Next question. With a lightsaber.

It's a ten times folded steel blade. uh yeah and then as we have discussed in the show before and i did realize that when i picked the question that lions go to sleep and you could shoot them in the head like the fucking sure like the trumps do when they go prize that is their big weakness that you can shoot them in the head while they sleep they're cats and they are unconscious most of the day what about a big laser pointer that would be an interesting one that could distract them that's a weakness I had an idea a long time ago for a super villain who he has a laser pointer and he points it at you and then lions attack you.

Oh, that's good. Whoa, what the fuck? That's pretty good. Thanks. That's really smart. I'm going to do it. This feels like a sick question to ask as your cat is laying on you. I know, he's looking at you.

Look directly up. You're like, you can shoot him when they sleep. And he looked right at me. I was like, I didn't see that. We have a sound effect for this. Not that one. You can also shoot cows when they sleep. I think you two are being too literal

I think like what's a lion's weakness I don't know maybe like it's pride Oh that's a great pun That's huge That's the name of a novel You go after it's cousin It'll never get over that Yeah

Bring back like it's a lost love Like oh that lioness You loved in 84 She's married now If you want to get to a lion fuck it's ex never get over that yeah yeah that's the part of lion king i think that is kind of the plot doesn't scar get with his mom something like that because it's hamlet he doesn't what am i talking about lion king is just hamlet so he definitely gets with his mom he doesn't get

with it they're just like under his that harem is like under his he's probably fucking it's a lion harem all they do is have cat scar reminds me a lot of horny barack obama in what way that's fucked up. In what way, Jeremy? That's unbelievable. The big scar over its eye? To say that during Black History Month is problematic. I refuse. No, it was just a sex joke. No.

I'm taking the cat. I don't think that about scar. I'm leaving. Good luck with that, buddy. This is a pile of knives in front of me. I don't know if he's actually on camera or not, because last week we were a little, he was kind of cut off. I also forgot to flip the little screen up, so I have a fear that we've never recorded, but I don't

it's not really. Also, fun fact, Jeremy dropped the camera two weeks ago so it doesn't flip on the ground there's a lot of mysteries anything could be happening right now there's so many moments where i'm just dead staring your cabinet i hope that it's just me oh that's all on my phone we got that that's in there yeah i think this one's fine i just you know how sometimes when you record stuff you're like i didn't record it it would be super funny if we just have the footage from the phone so it's all you the whole time if we're not in it yeah that's what my two fans would love i know um i think we're gonna be okay everything's gonna be recorded i get the same vibe when i'm filming like a sex

tape i'm like is this on i can't even i'm gonna come for nothing i can't it takes six weeks to build this up i don't even feel like a star right now um okay let's read this answer uh sean kernan who is actually a writer sean kernan's come up on the show before has he yeah oh well he's he's got a really big writing credit. He writes for SeanKernan.substack.com Is that who that is? How did you get that? I always read SeanKernan.substack. I ask myself

who is writing these things? Sean says they aren't particularly smart. We often associate lions with bravery. No, I don't. But what one calls bravery often takes on a different meaning when the outcome is poor. Sean!

You're offending England! Yeah, that's a little prejudice, bro. Lions will attempt to climb a thin branch to bring down a kill that a leopard brought up only for the branch to break and injure the lion. It honestly sounds very cat-like. We got footage of this? It feels like he just saw one lion that he hates

and he's like, all these fucking lions. You know how they're climbing on thin branches all the time? The thing about lions is they think they can do what jaguars do. No joke. At the end of this quarry, there's a photo of a lion going through an MRI machine. Hilarious. is it it's either very sad or very funny it's so funny okay i know you can't see this there's no

way we're gonna put it on the youtube it's gonna be good but it's so funny oh i hate that that makes me sad all right double check that our audio is still plugged in by the way now so for people who aren't seeing this it's it's not how you think i would assume lying on its back paws up, whatever. It's belly down which bums me out. It's like a picture of this lion's dick. Yeah, it's a lion like after it gets home from the Super Bowl party and just

goes full plank mode on the bed. I knew I should have taken tomorrow off. He's kind of planking. But it's a lion saying it. That is too rich. A lion of all things. A male will sometimes try to fight four other males

at the same time and get himself killed. the lions often mistake each other for enemy lions and attack friendlies they'll sometimes mistake other big cats for invasive lions and friendly fire who hasn't lashed out against a bro wrongly you know yeah who hasn't tried to fight four bros to the death lions are just like shitty teammates in like a call of duty game 100 that's what they say too yeah you're being a real shitty teammate right now be strategic right now i can't friendlies friendlies friendlies not competitive i can't help but notice this line is acting a lot like the peaky blinders and i think that would sound a little something like or for you i'll get whose tail gets in whose

mouth anything can happen in a line off and seen i'm exhausted uh it's taken everything out of me to arthur this many times uh males often don't stick together during night patrols it's extremely foolish not because of hyenas uh but because one of their biggest threats is other male coalitions night patrols i didn't really know they did that like that who's watching the caravan i was kind of thought it was just like one fully grown male lion maybe it's some younger ones and then like a harem of i keep saying harem then a sexy lion harem that will do anything is that just the the lion porn um one guy said in all caps and and bold lions do not have serious weakness this guy fucking loves lions facts that's how you know he's lying that's crazy that's good

you're good i'm not doing that that was just like a fun thing because you know who who who goes to bat that hard lines have no serious weaknesses yes they do clearly they do somebody They're not smart. Put him in an MRI. Yeah, give a lion a stethoscope. See how far he gets. See how far a lion does at a prestigious university when you get back to me.

Apparently, they're not very fast. Yeah, true. They look kind of heavy. They're fighting cats. All right. Well, I learned way more about lions than I guessed I was about to right now. Their eyes are a weakness.

They have bad eyesight. You're just on Wikipedia now reading about lions. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, lions have bad eyesight? Because the whole thing is cats have really good eyesight. They see in the dark. I would say the eyes are its weakness because if caught by a lion, you have to fight for your life.

The eyes are a good place to strike. Okay, that's not a weakness. But one person said they had bad eyesight. Another person said that that's a famous – this person is really confusing me, so I'm having trouble with it because this guy is saying, like, wrong. Lions are extremely powerful. No one can ever defeat them.

And then it says, according to experts, they have poor eyesight. And he says, true. And it's like, well, wait, what? And then he says, according to experts, they have a special type of almost infrared vision. But that goes against what he's saying. I guess maybe it's tougher in the day. I discount this person as a lion expert. I think Sean Kernan is our go-to resource for lion facts.

He's got his own website. They're not smart. Sign up to the Substack, by the way. Sean Kernan does Substack. I'm spending my plugs on Sean. It's actually behind the Patreon for this podcast. Again, I do have a Kickstarter, but you guys got to go to SeanKernan.substack.com and just keep this pipeline going.

And ask him to give Alex some money. You know what I think, too? I think Sean Kernan is a Quora Plus user. Also, I've been saying his. It's Sean J. Kernan. I wasn't going to say it, but if you want to go to his sub stack. What are you, his mom? Sean J. Kernan.

If you want to head to his cool sub stack. We can click it if you want. He's definitely a Quora Plus. Just a friendly Florida man. I began in finance, started writing on the side, and took it full-time. Living the dream. No way is this anybody's dream. If you'd like free writing advice and step-by-step to online blogging, subscribe to my newsletter, The Consistency Advantage.

Men want him. Women want to be him. He's Sean Kernan on Quora Plus. He's Sean Kernan. And he's a peaky blinder. And he's winning with the bloody Shelby's. newsletter is gearing up to go live and we'll focus on the power of consistency.

We cannot read his sub stack. We are like an hour and 20 right now. I think we're further. That's such a fun, bold move to be like, no, I'm fully reading the sub stack. This is an important thing for our podcast to read. We should get him on, really.

I keep telling you this. We do not want the Quora pros on our podcast. It's not going to be funny. This is already our longest episode. Okay, all right. One last question. This is a great question. I like it a lot.

If a human fought one of every species of mammal on the planet one by one, then starting with the smallest and working up from there, how far would the battles go before the human died? Before you ask this question, all of the animal questions are always can I fight them in some way? Can I kick the goat in the... What can I do to fight an animal? And so this is starting from the bottom, smallest.

What's the smallest? Like a mouse? I've killed a mouse already. I think what's important about this is you are going to accrue damage over time as they get bigger. So if it is sequential, like a video game kind of thing, you're going to lose HP, you're going to lose stamina. By the time you're killing a fucking muskrat or something,

you're going to be getting a little winded from snapping necks. So you want to do it as efficiently as possible. A lot of stomps. stomps are the way to go to win a hundred fights before you're killed by a jaguar a mammal anything producing breast milk yeah mammalian glands um anything with juicy tits what if that was on the wiki for for mammals a mammal is a vertebrate animal vertebrate animal of the class mammalia which has juicy tits hey they let anybody in but on the internet i do feel like that would be the answer on quora is is there a mammal that has like a bite not a poisonous bite

but like if you get bit by it like it's gonna be like infected or something do beavers do that i'm thinking i'm thinking of like a duck bill platypus or something which is like rabies or something do it okay so do any of these animals have rabies that's a good question i think platypus lay eggs They do lay eggs. I don't think that's a mammal. I assume. Well, but that's like the whole thing, right? Is it a mammal?

Is it not? I don't know. I'm saying it's not because it lays eggs. Can we look it up? On Quora. Without leaving Quora, can we look up if a platypus is a mammal? But it's like a land. What would it be if it's not?

I know it lays eggs. It goes in the water, too, right? Platypus? Yes. Duck build. All right. All right. Is a platypus a vertebrate?

It's definitely a vertebrate. Come on. A mammal or a reptile is the top one. Let's go. Put this website to use. Let's go. They're considered mammals. Suck my fucking platypus egg.

You know the rules. And have memory glands. You know the rules. I got to suck Ben's dick. No, my eggs. They are very interesting animals with a number of unique attributes, including strange sex chromosomes, venom, and ectrolocation.

Wait, venom? Yeah, that's what we're talking about. So you'd have to fight a venomous animal. So this is going to be the first one that's really giving you trouble. Yeah. These guys, they're laying eggs. They're probably throwing them at you.

I think anything you fight the size of a cat, again, they're all back-to-back are going to really start slowing you down after you do like 20 of them. I would agree. I saw a beaver on Alone the other week. They're big. They're like small dogs.

I did not understand this. I saw one of the famous New York City beavers you always hear about building a dam on the G train. I took it as someone loaned you a beaver, but you were watching the classic show Alone, which is an amazing show. I have been of my son. I received a beaver on Alone. How far? Okay. So, yeah, it would be tough.

You're right. How far do you think you two would get? All right. I'm going to get tired. I'm going to go all in on stomps. I'm putting all my points in stomps. Yeah. There's probably so many different kinds of animals, right?

Like, there's probably, like, thousands of mice that you're going through. Yeah, different. Like, you're just literally, one by one, stomping out, like, 10,000 mice. Yeah, every species of mouse. All right, so I'm going to get through all the mice. I've killed the mouse before. I've totally got it in me. You're going to take some damage from the big ones.

You're going to get some nibbles in. Well, you're talking about just rats, you know? There are rats that are the size of cats. Am I wearing clothes? Because they're naked. In my fantasy, no, you're not. because if I'm shoeless bite him in the dick again

oh that's true the shoe is a huge asset in this stomping game this is what I'm thinking about it is otherwise if I have no shoe I'm picking it up with my hands and I'm just like

hitting him against the rock yeah that's already so much harder yeah the whole fact like have you ever kicked a soccer ball without the shoes on

you see everybody else do it and you're like they're so good at it and I crunch your little toes like it's gonna be that non-stop with killing mice once you get to like a rat and you're like

trying to grab them and they're biting you yeah that's gonna suck I mean I'm gonna start punching the mice yeah because striking does become a once it gets to a certain size you're going to want to start getting what else is

interesting is if you do somehow complete this this tournament you're not going to complete it it goes up to like the final one is what like a blue whale oh yeah but even before you get to a whale you'd probably have to

kill a human being but somehow oh that's true that's like in the middle too here's the thing you're killing a human being who has not fought a fucking dog and wolf before that i'm not saying that i'm gonna do it i'm just saying like if somehow you pulled it off you're like you're killing man yeah and eventually you're gonna fist fight a whale which is sick you have been of the mountain goat yeah yeah you know that whales used to live on land and that's why they're mammals yeah i saw this in a tiktok i looked it up and apparently it's real that's true

but they like evolutionary evolutionarily it's tough one i know what you're saying evolutionarily the illuminati it was mostly whales this this podcast is based out of long beach california and it's great you're asking where did the big who built the pyramids how did you get all the big blocks out there a big fin push a big block all the way up there it's getting southern something's definitely happening I okay something's definitely

happening what is our answer this animal talk I think I'm just laying down and letting the animals have me see you gotta let it I don't want to fight I don't want to fight all these no I don't want to do it if you let a small one have you it's gonna be a long day this guy's going through a list of them

a honey badger is Jesus Christ the fact that you think you'd get to human is so funny. You're going to get killed by so many other animals. He's written like 10,000 words and I'm just reading like, but I like my genitals is one of them. That makes one of us,

brother. Sam's genitals and a few pints of blood and weak from the severe wounds he's sustained, he patches them up as best he can, ready for the next battle. What? That's a wolverine. You're definitely not beating that. No, wolverine's killing you. So this guy says wolverine is where he loses. That's so optimistic.

I think that's way... I think a mean rat is going to fucking rip your hands A goat is going to kick your ass. Is a goat before a wolverine? A goat's after a wolverine, size-wise. Oh, yeah. And it is by size. How dare you?

If I somehow choke slam the wolverine to death, the goat will get me for sure. You brain it on a rock or something. Anybody with big, sharp objects on its body is really going to have a field day with my soft, pink flesh. Are you allowed to use a rock or something? That's the question. A lot of people are asking how many weapons you're allowed. I think the answer should be no clothes, no weapons. Similar to the Master Chief question.

It's like, yeah, do I get my laser rifle? Yeah. There are 5,400 species of mammal, extant species of mammal. It's going to take all day. 2,200 are just rodents. So you're going to get tired before you even get to a big animal. If you know this is coming up, just start stomping. Here's what you do.

Okay? Something to think about. This is going to be our bro trip this year, so we got to really get into it. Okay. Ben, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. I do not want to go on this trip. I don't want to fight animals with the gods. We're doing it.

We did your idea last year. I think, you know, okay, so like on a loan, you get a few items. I'm going to try to fight to get one item. Okay. That item is going to be honey. A magical gun with unlimited bullets. If I were smarter, that would have been my answer. But I said honey already, so that's what I'm going to do.

You can't eat a magical gun when you get hungry, can you? That's true. I'm going to put honey in my mouth and lay on the ground. Okay. And you're eating all of these animals? Every, I want a mouse to come crawl up me, get in there, get the honey. Oh my God. Boom, spit it out.

You're swallowing all of them. Oh no, you're spitting them out like it's a wine tasting. Yeah, I mean, if I get hungry, if I need to get my energy back up. You don't want to get drunk on mouse. No. That's a rookie mistake. Certainly not. And then, you know, I just do that as long as I can until, you know, it's too big to get in my mouth.

Until you get to like. Oh, they're going to come after me for that one. Like a ferret? Yeah, I think ferret. Yeah, well, I guess I'll probably get a ferret in there. You can get the top part. Depending on how big. Yeah, you know, we'll do a ferret.

But then. Sure. Slather myself in honey. Yeah. How much honey do you get? How much do you bother? I'm doing a bucket of honey If you're bothering the admins

For a quart of honey I don't know if it's going to work out Can I get a little more honey on my back please Jeremy got the magic gun All I want is a pint of honey I think I would Try to get it so I could get Sticky with honey

Still lay And the big animals get up to me And they're kind of stuck on me And then I just fall like if it's on my back i fall backwards falling is another great move that's a full body stone which is tiring because you're doing um like up down the entire time yeah it's like a million burpees uh yeah this whole thing's gonna be a freaking weekend that's why i'm just like let me lay and die let the mouse chew me to death i don't care i think you get up to something with

that's sharp and then just like hope it gets your neck a little bit or get up to the platypus hope it gets that venom in you oh yeah that's actually probably also a terrible way to die venom will be tough. Platypus Venom. I don't know. I've never been of Venom. Do you think when you get to the human, he's also doing the challenge? Or it's just a random human?

If it's my movie, yes. Okay, cool. What's next? Gary? Steve? I've stomped so many mice. You were the one who wanted to come here, Ben. You're covered in honey.

All right, let's get this started. You lay on your back. I told you I didn't want to do the bros trip I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon you said no

let's fight every mammal time to reload my magical gun I just want to see how strong my friends are I have a good honey idea you said it was really

it was good for the it's truly good for three things then I was like oh this is already falling apart I had to fall through on it yeah by the third rat

you kill by biting its head off you're gonna be like I should have got the gun sure okay well um it simply must send ben to his show so let's wrap it up over here okay i'm trying to see if there's any other good answers but not really okay and that's the end of the podcast benjamin we're gonna come last episode we're gonna come with

the question real quick and then we're gonna do plugs what we had a question earlier there's some sex how do i know if gay guys want to fuck me which is really ignorant and i think we will get traffic for it yeah well we get you can't get like banned from quora can you i don't know we can take out fuck and make it sleep with me what if it's like how do i know if anyone wants to sleep with me you have to okay yeah well then it's less ignorant though then it's just you know what it's still a good question how do i know if anybody wants to sleep with me if anybody hot wants to sleep with me i keep touching your toe alex and you don't you don't seem to mind that's part of the payment for the guest is we're gonna do footsies how do i know if anybody hot

wants to sleep with me see that's good it's dumb and it belongs i'll take men or women or whatever i don't think i don't clarify okay do not clarify i'll take what you got or whatever dude i don't even do whatever who cares fuck it i don't know what core is yelling at me about yeah it doesn't make any goddamn sense all right put that up there that's a really good question we're gonna We can hear back from that next week. Sleep habits and sleep are two of the topics. Yeah, definitely tag those communities. Please.

Ben, thank you so much for coming on this show. We love reading quoras with you and the listeners at home. Could you tell our fantastic audience where to find your work at home and abroad? Well, if you're abroad, I'm banned from a lot of platforms over there. That's why I moved to America. But you can find me on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, at Shaq Katzner. Shaq like the basketball player K-A-T-Z-N-E-R

did people used to call you that? yeah my friends used to call me that and now I realize they're more enemies no I'm just kidding that's how Shaq feels about a lot of his friends they call him Ben though yeah it's a whole thing I'm not Ben I'm Shaq I don't know why you keep doing this

Ben O'Neal that made me sad I don't know why I was like oh that's just a different life I could have lived Ben O'Neal seems great he seems like a Spiderman clone Yeah, you can find me there. I have a graphic novel out called Hello, My Name is Poop. I have some other stuff that will be coming out eventually.

But follow me on the other places and I'll tell you where it's going to be. Keep your eyes glued to the Ben train. No, wait. Hold on. To the Ben train. That's good. Is that new? It's the Ben train.

it's just a singular gunshot at the end of the train that's right and remember as always all right goodbye question everything