Quorators - What Is Life Without A Girlfriend?

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Can You Get Addicted To Saying The N-Word? Can smoking cigarettes make you happy? If so, how much should you smoke per day to be content in life? In the bible, it is said that angels take the human form sometimes. If a person met an angel and that person revealed or told the human that he as an angel, how would the angel react if you tried to hug them? ----- Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@cracked Sub to our channel https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

yep yep yep quarrel boys at it again back in the studio where the quarrel boys let's get it and welcome back to quarries season two now on crack.com home of the fact i'm alex and this is jeremy what's going on what's going on quora boys here's the thing i've realized i've started doing here give me the glasses give me the glasses no we can't rob will be mad at us he's not here and he'll be mad because the light will reflect oh okay we're gonna get in trouble if we do that we're worried we'll upset our cameraman who isn't in the isn't here anyway i've noticed i've been doing finger guns every dance and it worries me that that's my go-to dance your thoughts violent It's Alex.

Why am I compelled to shoot a gun? Very interesting. For all of the people who are always writing in to say you, I never see you at the club or the bank. Sure. If I were at the club, would my move be finger guns? Because you can't do that for very long in a dance setting. And if you're at the bank,

people will think you're trying to rob the joint. They'll lie on the ground. They'll gasp at the point of gun. He's got a finger gun. Look out. But it's a killing spree. Killing spree. Welcome back to the show.

That's what's so messed up about our country. If I was in Spain, this wouldn't be happening. Anyway, the show is really Quora's. This is our third podcast of the day. It's going to be a silly one. Check out those bonuses. How's it going, Cracked.com? Thanks for checking in after our Kyle Kinane episode.

This one's going to be just a silly boy's ep. Thanks for cracking it. Thanks for cracking it. These Quora's are cracked. Now, we got some cracked Quoras for you. What do we got first on the agenda today? First, we have... Wait, wait, wait.

We have last week's. Yeah, last week's Quora. Last week on Quora. This was a joke that we put on here. Not really a joke, an argument. Shouldn't stand your ground laws apply to abortions? Huh, should it? Let's see if anybody threatens to kill us.

the thing about this question is i feel like the idea is that for those who weren't there last week if there's a baby in your body they're trespassing on you shouldn't you be allowed to kill it on account of stand your ground laws and everybody else um seems to think that we're like can i kill pregnant people why would that be what it means i don't know although i will admit when he was saying it i got really stuck on like should the baby legally have a right to kill you if you get Yeah, that's what a lot of people were confused about as well. Someone says, like, if the fetus uses deadly force to protect themselves. No!

Okay, so I'm not the only one, though. I'm not the only one who is like, okay, so he finds the doctor years later, and then he says, you tried to get rid of me. I really like this one. This is a guy. His name is Ed Cox. That's funny. And his picture is the Confederate flag. Ooh.

So we know he's a, I don't know. Unique. Right-wing man. um and he says how could you think stand your ground is anything to do with a right to commit murder due to your negligent selfishness and poor planning actually i think that's basically as your door was unlocked and the texas chainsaw massacres happening yeah so no that's pretty much the whole point of stand your ground is that like if a group of young teenage girls drives into your driveway you can kill them yeah it's specifically to stop the clockwork orange gang

getting to you yes we all know that they're coming for us because they're so twisted they're gonna drink milk in your home and commit violations on you by here too far unheard of you legally could strap them down to a chair and open their eyes and drip water into it while making them watch based youtube videos show them based stuff watch mr beast so they start dabbing until they become the world's greatest content creators hi this is creators i'm jeremy this is out it's another week another week on crack.com home of the fact over the fact anyway uh um so if someone looks at you strangely you can shoot them how would that apply to pregnancy that's a good question uh wait i really like this one conspiracy theorist guy says

no because babies can't stand got my ass oh that's really the same reason you can't shoot wheelchair-bound people next question someone says sir you're in favor of killing the pregnant person which would kill the fetus in order to show that you're pro-life i don't understand why everyone's confused in this way how did that confuse you back the question they're answering is should a pregnant person invade your home with intent to kill can you shoot them that's just like a completely different scenario now the funny thing is in this whole class today there is a related question on quora that is just a better worded version of our question impossible if a woman feels that

an unwanted fetus is a threat to her life can she apply a stand your ground law to get an abortion that is just what we were asking for you sir and then people are like where do you live i'll kill yeah i don't know people are just like no someone says that only applies to shooting unarmed black men that is that is i mean edgy but that's kind of true hey i didn't say it frank frank lucas said it you got their ass yeah by the way we're gonna say everyone's whole name if you should end up on our show you get a star let us send us an email we'll send you a gold star in the mail yes we will do that we're gonna get coordinators merch all right let's start off with something a little bit less intense and get into the quiz course our politics segment

this is where we discuss politics it's not that kind of show except when it is in the quiz course welcome to core raiders the only politics podcast on the internet this first question comes to you from quora.com why is podcast three why do so many euro pours with fancy college degrees who make four or five figure salaries in pesos no less stay in europe instead of coming to the land of opportunity now i guess my question for this is what does this mean well the question jeremy is why do so many euro pours and these are with fancy college degrees being four or five figure salaries in pesos no less yeah in pesos why do they stay in europe instead of coming to the land of opportunity

and the reason is why are they getting paid in pesos they can't they can't imagine the money They don't got the money mindset. Why are they getting paid in the Mexican currency? They traded all their money in for pesos. They turned all their rocky dinar in for pesos. I'm so confused. I could see. Okay, so imagine that you have a fancy college degree in Euro and Euro,

Euro poor. Sure. You could maybe just not move to America because you're scared of all the murder. Yeah, that is the big stereotype. You know how we just answered a question about when it's okay to shoot people to death? They don't really have to ask that as much over there. In the U.S. is kind of like, whenever you feel like it. Rarely, well-behaved women rarely make history.

It's time to shoot people. Well, you'd be surprised to hear that one of the two answers is this guy, John, who says, because that land is filled with violence, hatred, dishonesty, and poor medical care, that equates with more places in the less developed world. I'm an incredibly English Quora user. This guy's from New York. He went to NYU. No, he lives in France.

Oh, no, he knows about France. No, he moved to France. Oh, you're right. He lives in France, but he went to NYU. So he's a Europorn. Yeah, he's a Europorn. He's getting defensive. Oh, wait.

Is he talking about us? Yeah. Oh, I thought he was talking about Europe. No, dude, he's talking about us right now. Oh, no. That's how he's talking shit about us, dude. Oh, I'm so owned. He's over in Francois in Paris.

In Paris. He's having his long phallic bread in France, and he's developing all kinds of diseases that can be treated there for free. Ah, mon bread is like a penis. That's really good. But the thing is, he gets paid a piece of it. I know the word is pain. It's pain.

Pain. Yeah, he's a Europore, bro. He's triggered. He's triggered, and this is a politics podcast. Yes. The word Europore. La penny. The word Europore is going to stick with me for the next several months.

months euro poor europeans don't earn pesos is the other answer which um someone says hi troll why would we move to australia or new zealand got him greg thank you greg um a lot of people oh so here someone says many do but not everyone likes living in australia i mean if you say the land of opportunity we know we're talking about the u.s i don't care dude our country sucks but that's the one that's number one we're number one baby number one that's undisputed fact what are we number one at shut the fuck up we have up to six figures and pesos um oh i forgot the question i wanted to do first okay well we'll go back to it this question i found was from 10 years ago it's is the word correlation the best one to describe what we're

doing here so everyone has written in and said that we have a compute confusing name for our show and they don't know like what the word means yeah up to 10 years ago scholars were asking they were asking if it's correlation so it says yes yes i think the curation aspect could use more emphasis since some are not getting it all right well you know what we're also running into this problem joseph boyle what else would you how would you change it how would you change it i think it's fine it's fine the way it is we haven't made any merch but we're considering gold stars tom says, I do not believe that Quoration is the best descriptor of the activity of Quorans

or whatever we are, but I don't know what it is. I tell people that I asked Quora blah blah blah, but when I talk about answers, I refer to the specific person's name that answered. Huh. I think it's fine. I think it's good. What did you know? You're living in 2013. Yeah, you don't know anything.

Dumbass. Oh, it's from 12 years ago. Oh, I'm excited for the next Guardians of the Galaxy. That's what it sounds like. Guess what? They make the frickin' raccoon sad now. Groot dies Spoiler alert Groot dies

Hope you're not too attached to Groot Welcome to Cracks Groot We gotta get Groot on the soundboard I am Groot Can we find like the Spanish one Cause you know Vin Diesel did the language Yo soy Groot

Can I find Groot Let's pull Groot up on the YouTube Yeah, baby. Normally, it's a party foul to leave Quora, but we're going to break the rules here. I want to find it. Vocabulistics is limited to I, N, M, and Groot. I just want to hear him say it.

Thank you, Groot. That was our friend, Groot. Subscribe to the channel. We got a lot of cool stuff coming up. That's Vin Diesel saying that. Oh, they really had him say it? He did every language. That's so cool.

Apparently, he begged to be in Marvel, and he tried to start a fake campaign that he was going to play some character. And Marvel was like, no, you cannot just do a thing where you put your profile picture as a fucking comic book character. You're a Groot, bitch. Yeah, they're like, you can have one sentence. And then he was like, can I do it every language?

And they're like, fine. This is like Rush Week for Vin Diesel. He hopes he gets in Marvel. They're going to have him try out his Groot in Portuguese. Can I say, just sweet Groot? And they're like, whatever, dude. Yeah, whatever, man. He's like, sick.

What if I could be Yo-Soi Spider-Man? Is that a possibility? He also famously tried to become Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. He loves Lord of the Rings. And they're like, you are Vin Diesel. It doesn't make any sense. You can't be Aragorn. Imagine Aragorn with no hair is like a skinny Santa.

We all have a role in society. You cannot be Aragorn. You're Groot, bitch. You're Groot, bitch. You dumb bitch. You're Groot. And you die. And you come back as a seed sapling.

Yeah, now you're a baby Groot. Yosui baby Groot. That's what you get for asking to be other things. You're baby Groot now. All right. We got to read more questions. Okay. So back to the politics one.

What are some good ways to insult someone from Singapore? Uh-huh. Uh-huh, honey. The Singapore expert has logged on. Do you have an answer for this? What do you think? A, how do Singapore's with four or five figure salaries in pesos, no less. Do you tell I spelled it differently?

Yes. Singapore's. Singapore's. Somebody. Oh, great top comment here. Your food is shit. All of it. That's pretty good.

That's good for any country. You got them. You can use that for the US. Absolutely. Yeah. Your food is shit. Your food is shit. All of it really hammers in the point.

It's rough. I don't see a lot of Singaporeans coming back from that one, Jeremy. Can I translate this? I want to look it up before I say it. You know what I mean? Yeah, people keep taking Jeremy out of context. It's really hard for him. Don't listen to the...

Oh, we can't talk about that yet. Nope. Next week's episode. All right, let's see. What language do they speak in Singapore? This is already not worth the effort. yeah they speak malay all right please cut this from the podcast it's gonna be cut up it didn't work okay who cares who cares is what we're saying um let's read something else yeah we're

done with that one and the way you insult them is you tell them their food is shit yeah or some racist stuff i'm not gonna say i'm pretty sure singapore is like a small island nation so you I think probably you could insult the size of their conquests. Someone says, it's amazing how you have built such a wonderful city-state, just starting from money laundering and serving Western multinationals and banks. They are not going to recover from that one, Jeremy. Boo, boo, boo, boo. I bet Genghis Khan enjoyed the landmass you have accrued over the course of a weekend, good sir.

Yeah, loser. Yeah, you dick for eyes. Your eyes are dicks. I like this one. Someone says, this again? I could have swore I had seen this question before, except that instead of Singapore, it was Sweden. What?

This again? I like that the guy's like, oh, my God, I'm sick of this question. Granted, last time it was Sweden, which is a very different country. This is, of course, coming from Felix Loretzson. Yeah, who lives in Skålvda. Skålvda, Sweden. And he answers every question by like, I'm sorry, by Singapore, did you mean Sweden?

that's where i live look what his qualification is no swedish this motherfucker oh my god he thinks he knows so much about singapore just because he goes to high school in sweden yeah i hope his this young man is an adult and that i can feel good about trashing him like this someone said how do i fart on the swedish flag and felix says what kind of weird question is that honestly felix great point that's totally fair um someone says say that chili crab is a malaysian dish oh they hate it in singapore they don't like that that's really fucked up it's a podcast where you learn too yeah it's not it's not like a dumb show no people no no one even thinks no one even thinks that i like this last one um why would you want to insult anyone you are what is wrong with

the world mind your own fucking business it really took an aggressive turn at the end yeah damn kind of started with like a we're all friends here thing yeah ended kind of like mafia style okay so this is this is my favorite one in the bunch i really like this one it's not a political show it's not a politics show uh question for you core listener if you cross pads what's up riddle me this riddle me that if you cross pads with donald fucking i want to say this perfectly so i can get it for a little to get it in three jeremy and three if you cross paths with donald trump what words would you use to insult him i'd call him a pavlovian dog and keep talking to make sure he couldn't get a word in edgewise all right so this is someone who passes donald trump on the street

just like i didn't know they had pavlovian dogs here he's like shut up shut up oh it's donald trump i didn't know i was at the pavlovian dog park ring ring ring ring oh are you salivating you dog arf arf mr former president any other habitual pathologies we could discover with your behavior mr trump what a dog you pavlovian dog jeremy what insults are you using on don trump um don trump don trump comes to your house He makes a move on your girl Oh my god I'm like

I don't know what I'm saying He's so cool He would probably own me I think I would say something like Hey It's harder than you think Wait no I got one like

Hey you jerk Cut it out Get those Hey Donald Trump The carrot aisle is back at the grocery store, not on my wife's hands that you're kissing. I would just, yeah, I would just kind of like... I'm assuming he's like done something to me.

I would just kind of muttering under my breath, I'm like, small hands. And he's like, what'd you say? And I'm like, nothing. Nothing. No, you said something. And I'm like, small hands. I'm going to leave.

And then he owns your house now. Yeah. That's kind of sad. And that happened to me. You Pavlovian dog. The Trump defenders are online for this one. Some of them don't like him. What?

Oh, this guy says, I guess Trump better never wander into your trailer park. I deleted the rock and roll cues. We can't do that one anymore. That's a damn shame. Someone says, why would you bother? Yesterday's man. Someone said,

I don't think it's possible to actually insult Donald Trump. Any comparison with animals, plants, and adamant objects and the like is an insult to those and a compliment to Mr. Trump. What? Mr. Trump loves to be called a dog. He recognizes the canine mind. Wag wag, Mr. President.

I really don't think it's possible to insult him. He seems to have no shame. Yeah, it'd be like insulting Groot. Yeah. Pretty much. He just emerges back as baby Groot. And he'd be like, I am Groot. I am Yo-Soy Groot.

Yo-Soy Donald Trump. you can chop him down but he'll just be baby donald trump wouldn't that be chibi wouldn't that be cute we should have done this one first i said the first thing is where i was like we do that the main one last it's gonna come out crazy but yeah this is how it comes out all right that's holy shit that's how i take down that old ruffian i think trump is bad who's next anyway um let's do the quoker okay welcome to the quoker our incel manosphere and just general cool ninja questions these are the questions that men go in their own way we'll ask on quora.com

this question is how do you want to see yourself after 20 years okay i thought this was a really good answer because it's generally people like really waxing on about um their ambitions and their futures um this this person has a very specific vision of that where first of all i want to ask jeremy where do you see yourself after 20 years plotting revenge against donald trump for stealing my wife oh my god that's where you want to see yourself that's a best case scenario for you where do you see yourself really dark i want to be in space i want to be doing some kind of space project miserable i have do not have the qualifications to be doing this but i get sick on a boat in 20 minutes in 19 years you can shoot me into the void i'm 29 right now

so i'll be 49 in 20 years oh and ladies he's illegal but he's married instead yeah i'm legal But in 20 years? All right. Well, this guy says, so about 20 years from today, date, June 12th, 2037, time, 7 a.m. I am 41 years old now. Fred, my personal assistant robot, woke me up and I just had tea. Me, opens curtains to see the view outside. Morning, Alexa.

What's the news for today? Alexa, my artificial intelligence assistant. Morning, Shakar. Happy birthday. Sings a song and projects some glimpses of past year on screen. Hold on. I need to say, if you're just listening to the podcast, there are some great pictures that go on.

Yeah, there's a picture of a Honda robot pouring green juice. That's his personal assistant, and he pours him green juice. And he lives in the dopest apartment. In New York. Yeah, he's the American Psycho, pretty much. But it's Shakar. Instead of American Psycho, that movie was called Shakar, the Cool Guy. That's what it would be about.

Alexa, today's headlines are, a team of scientists in india have started to work on developing a system for backing up human brain data on cloud vaccine for aids has been discovered by dr ankit mishra do you think that's a reference to like a real person or these just like shout out a different indian guy made up let's look it up um it does seem that maybe that's a person i don't know i mean it's a person somewhere i'm not sure well there is a um a fashion lifestyle content creator with this name who has 384,000 followers. And to think in 20 years

they've become a powerful doctor and scientific researcher. Very possible. Tomorrow truly knows no limits. Mission to discover Andromeda Galaxy is go. That's on the news. Shakar celebrates his B-Day with Alexa, laughing. Me, laughs.

Haha, turn off the AC, please. I'm feeling a bit cold. You are not a kid anymore. Who told you to have two bowls of chocolate ice cream last night. Let it be for your children. Decrease your rudeness to 30% and care to 50%, LOL.

Huh, done, boss. After 15 minutes, I'm dressed up and my family is ready for my B-day breakfast. Now, if you're thinking at home, I'm done with this answer. We are around 50% through. I cannot believe how long this is. Well, we're just getting to the good stuff.

We are heading to our Diggs-Boson canteen inside the ISRO campus and my brand new Lamborghini Solaris. This is the first model of Lamborghini to run on solar power above 1,500 kilometers per hour. That's pretty fast. Also, it looks like a flat Batmobile.

Yeah, it looks like shit. No, it's so cool, Jeremy. You don't want to be on the pod racer car? No, I don't like it. It's so cool. Shikar drives it, and he's a big money millionaire. It's his birthday.

Happy birthday, Shikar. After the breakfast, now we are heading towards ISRO's visitor's room. today one more item will be off my bucket list as we are going on a family trip to the moon i have appointed one of my most trusted colleague and vice president as the temporary ceo of the company until i returned back a few moments moments later now we are already packed in spacesuits we look funny there's a picture of a bunch of hey he's still shikar is still humble goofy white family and a dog all in spacesuits also it's like a stock image yeah so you can't sell this image

of Shakar's white family. Into the shuttle we go. I can feel and hear my heartbeats. The system is on and the countdown timer has started. Five, four, three, two, one. Lift off. We're feeling a large thrust

and this wakes me up from my dreams. Damn. So it might have seemed a little bit far-fetched. Don't worry. It's all a dream. Works at Amazon. It's a software developer. Oh, that's a pretty good job.

Yeah, good for him. Yo, shout out to Shakar. I can go on his Instagram, go on his LinkedIn. Yeah, we're going to find Shakar's house at the end of this podcast, and we're going to pay him a visit. Don't sign me into anything. I'm not. Get out of there.

Get out of there. All right, well, that was that answer. Thank you, Shakar. Thank you, Shakar. Beautiful story. You see yourself in 20 years. Up next. Next up, what is life without a girlfriend?

Oh, a living hell. Every day you wake up in pain. You have no feminine touch. That's true. I've never lived a life without a girlfriend. Days pass without an ice cream dessert. I've been in the same. That's really how it is, too.

That is how it is. The thing is, these ladies, they want a sweet tooth. I feel like this is going to be our most popular episode, because I'm just telling truths today, honestly. Alex Patak tells no lies about women for 15 minutes. I'm so bottled up all the time. But the thing is. Dude, women freaking go crazy for ice cream.

They got to just have a little bite of a pancake. I'm like, hey, I'm trying to have hamburger. I'm trying to take a bite of hamburger over here. That's not what they're thinking. I don't think so. Oh, my God. But, no, Jeremy and I have both married our high school girlfriends. I'm in the same relationship since I was 17.

Yeah. Now what? Now what? We don't know what it's like. And I feel like before you're 17, you kind of don't exist. No, you're a minor. Yeah. It's like the Kingdom Hearts prelude of your life where you're on the beach,

but nothing you do matters. That's true. Because the rest of the game kind of starts after the prelude happens, and it's kind of like a long stretch of time for you to be like, this is not the game and they're like no it's not it's just you playing around on a beach and you get to the game and it still kind of sucks yeah it does suck it's like not really a deep fighting system i'm making everyone mad already i can tell we think kingdom hearts is bad i didn't say that i clearly didn't say that i thought chain of memories was fun because it has cards in it

the most angry people have ever gotten to me online i think is because i said kingdom hearts is bad and yet you are diving right back in well the thing about it is that i don't think it's a good game and i think in fact that it is bad and if you like it then maybe you are bad hey if you're watching this spot the sephiroth of the podcast that's right it's not me i'll tell you that much i am groot what is life without a girlfriend i want to know uh and shul sharma says it's peaceful at one moment and empty at another full of freedom at one moment and lifeless at another at one point you realize there is tons of shit you don't have to go through but another you miss out on the banter

that only loved ones can go through. Sometimes, wait, how long is this? Okay, good. Sometimes you just look at the complexities and feel thankful to be out of it. Can you play the romance song? Yeah, I got it. And at times, life is just too boring,

and so you just, you so wish to be a part of it. Life can be ugly, messy, complex, and weird with a girlfriend. While it can also be adventurous, lovely, full of life and randomness with a girlfriend. when you have one and things don't work out you vow to be single forever and when you are single you wish to get one and never let her go whatsoever not whatsoever that was terrible when you when you do not have a girlfriend you wish to have a girlfriend i'll tell you that much

all right slam that again matthew stephen says what is life without a girlfriend pockets are full yeah friends are happy yeah nights are sleepy that's right drama stays just on tv lesser accountability liberty to talk to any girl no sharing of chocolate that's my action thriller instead of rom-com favorite shirt at any time no comparisons with other guys compassion for those with relationships peace of mind that's no girlfriend eat your own chocolate Drama stays on TV. No girlfriend. Boom.

I'm trying to watch The Sopranos right now. Girlfriends hate The Sopranos. They can't stand to see an Italian man winning. I'm trying to see if any women have answered this. Huh. What's it look like? Not really. We're getting a lot of long poems.

Almost exclusively Indian men. That's interesting. Although, and again, we do say this every week. It's just there are more of them than there are not Indian men. I think it's also just a popular website on India. I think so, too. But it's just like there's a lot more Indian men than there are American men. Yes.

And so they know more about girlfriends by the numbers. Mm-hmm. First of all, in America, they don't teach you about girlfriends in schools. They should. They teach you that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree, but they didn't teach you that you've got to buy your girl a cherry ring to get that Friday night date. what is this thing about clothes has your wife ever made you wear a specific clothing um she's

she's like helped me improve my wardrobe okay she taught me about colors my wife's a um sure well she's a painter she like knows about colors and i have face blindness so i think fair enough like the and one guy and he wears basketball shorts which can give you an erection just from the friction alone oh yeah and so if you wear those all the time that's gonna be a big problem because you're gonna be walking around everywhere as stiff as a board she was like i don't want other women to see my man's hog is that groot in your pants are you happy to see oh man that's to say it's really hard not having a girlfriend all right well that's that question yeah really good question sure this is a problem that affects many men uh well many people around

the world well not me not me either and also not jeremy the question is is it possible to get addicted to saying the n-word all right so you can't be mad at me or jeremy because we didn't write this question this is just on quora um but what do you think this is very funny what do you think i think obviously no but it's very funny to like to just say the n-word and be like it's a disease sure laugh at my addiction i cannot stop i'm a problem at the mall because of a condition i have yeah um i don't know i think um if you're on xbox live you can find the behaviors of some people where you it appears as though they can't not say it what if you're just like the world's those pathetic adrenaline junkie uh-huh and you're like it just gives you that rush it's like crank

yeah yeah the guy in crank was just saying it's just great but he goes to like a predominantly black neighborhood and says right right and like the thing is he doesn't in that whole movie i re-watched it recently and he's just uh he's like killing people instead and crashing his car and stuff and like racially it's totally cool for everybody except at one point he throws a taxi driver out of his car and yells Al-Qaeda and then a mob kills that guy. But that's more of an indictment of America than Jason Statham.

Yeah, who has done nothing wrong. And actually, soy groot. He is friends with Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies. They're two cool guys. But I don't think they say this word. What do you think, Cora? Write in. Write into Cora

five years ago or whenever this question was asked. Oh, this was asked this year. oh yeah this is a new one it's probably a guy fucking around i mean it's probably a troll but i do think it's very funny very funny troll i mean i don't know this is by zolongo kazar he um this is an intense quora account yeah one of his questions is uh why haven't donald trump's nudes leaked yet good question that's just a long go ignore him how do i hate women without sounding like an incel see this is why he's in this category sometimes we read these questions and i feel like people are judging us like just because you asked about then where it doesn't

mean you're an incel or whatever and it's like no they all are they're like the same guys it is they make all the same posts together i love the idea of being like i don't like women i'm not one of these fucking incels that's by choice it's voluntary how much i hate them I can have sex with them. That's not the problem. Another Zolongo troll. Anyway, this guy's addicted to saying the N-word. I don't think it's possible.

What are the comments saying? Is there anything good? What is this question, LOL? I remember when I was saying I found the N-word funny, but that's because I'm Latina and didn't really understand the context out of it. Well, it's good for you to have grown out of that. I can think of one guy as a Longo Cazar

who could do the same. um one guy wrote nanu nanu nanu yeah i think the joke being that that's the word the n word is um what uh from dharma and greg i believe i don't know dude is robin williams isn't that the alien i thought it was the alien one yeah isn't that dharma and greg no i don't think fucking kill me push me off of a I meant Mork and Mindy. You got to cut that. That has to go.

All right. Well, that's that question, I think. How much more time do we have to spend on that one? This next segment is Quora Gone Wild, and it is our animal segment. Ah! Ah! I like that the lion kind of sounds like Home Improvement, though. like oh right wait that's in your head bro doesn't sound like that bro um this question is what

happens if a dog inseminates a woman will the offspring be human with a very sharp sorry will the offspring be a human with very sharp instincts or a dog that can talk now we have gotten complaints before yes about the number of chorus that are about this topic however those did not further elucidate the kind of offspring you would have, which is what makes it an interesting prompt. Jeremy, what do you think would happen? I think this is how you get Inuyasha.

I think this is how you get Rocket Raccoon. Kagome! The good friend of Groot. Yo, soy Groot! He's from Brooklyn. Yo, soy Spanish Inuyasha. I like that in the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie, they give intelligence to a raccoon, and he's

immediately like, oh boy, I'm from frickin' Brooklyn! yeah it is pretty funny um okay this first account you've highlighted immediately has a pop-up that says this account is banned it's a molecular biologist that's so funny maybe he's just like a serial liar that's why he's bad yeah well he says nothing would happen at least in terms of conception of an embryo what else might happen is anyone anyone's guess i'm not going down that road lol of course i see your question as a joke but i'm answering it straight regardless us too the The reason there will never be a conception is that Homo sapiens have 46 chromosomes,

while Canis lupus familiaris has 78. We're learning. It's crack.com. Thus, you can't have a fusion of these chromosome sets to establish a new organism. Dogs make much better companions and working animals than they do potential mates for lonely women. Come on. Now, that being said, this man is a known liar. Yeah, he's banned from the website.

He was banned for discouraging dog-human relations across Korra. I think, if anything, we have to assume that this man is completely wrong and that it would create a hybrid with very sharp instincts who could talk. His hands are claws, and he can cut the wind to make a wind scar. It allows him to fight his brother, Sashomaru. I like this answer. Dearly, dearly hoping that this is just hypothetical. I hope you boys aren't at it again.

And then a bunch of people explaining how DNA works. Yeah, but a lot of people are just saying no, which is not really fun. Steven has answered this question very clearly. Well, he's banned. We don't believe what he says. What would happen if a dog inseminates a woman? It's so funny to be the one guy

who gave a clear, thought-out answer on this. Why was he banned? Does it say? Probably for being a son of a bitch. Look here. Spam, harassment, bullying, hate speech. Wow. I don't know what he did.

So I guess Steven's not so cool, huh? Yeah, he hasn't posted in six years. He posted too much about DNA and got kicked off of Quora. That's wild. Hey, and that's why you're in our segment, Quora. God, wild. All right, let's do it. It doesn't sound like that.

Let's do Quora MD. Yes. This is a fucking weird episode. this is our uh this is this is our medical question these are questions a doctor would ask or they'd ask another doctor these uh yeah they're like we're peers in the doctor community yeah you know how teachers have a teacher's lounge doctors have a doctor they do and where they get real and they ask these kinds of questions these are the kinds of questions frankly and i want to say that alex and i do not ask these questions no we do not endorse them we just curate them and i'm going

to space later i don't trump wants to sleep with my wife uh this question is is autism the childish slash naive version of psychopathy and again we did not write this question we thought it was interesting and that's why we put it in the show but if you're mad about that that's really not our fault uh i think the answer is no it's not it's no it's different it's a different thing I do a different podcast with my good friend, Anders, who has been diagnosed with autism, who argues that autism is kind of a made-up term and was invented by a Nazi doctor and is an odd thought.

That's Asperger's. Of a bunch of, yeah, but it's like the same kind of science. Is that true? A variety of studies where they just don't know what to think of phenomenon, so they put it all together into autism. The Asperger's one's pretty fucked up. And with that said, is it psychopathy? well i mean let's think about it is your friend anders a psychopath

but i think child version i think he's a lunatic is he like a psycho who's like a little boy he's always talking to a man in his shoulder yo soy baby psychopath yo soy baby groot i guess the question for the episode is grudas psychopath um i mean the answer is just no everyone's like no these are just different things different things is a spoon a fork right in how mad are you that this was on our video you could be you could have both of you a spork now that's interesting this is part of my new pilot autistic psychopath now on hbo it's a good show it's like dexter but like a lot more like model trains sure but he's using those trains to run people over still like him he's a complicated character these are the kinds

of dark stories you could tell on premium television um a lot of people are like i'm autistic no i am not childish or naive or a psychopath no stop it please knock it off and then a lot of people have posted pictures of like brains that um mri scans i don't i don't know if i need to read but it's like the brains are different just take our word for if you're watching the video we'll put up the mri picture and then if not shut up the brains are different Their brains are different. Next question. Next question.

Now, this is another science question. This is something that doctors ask each other. We do not endorse these questions. We simply are curating them. Why do I catch myself watching people eat cum and I want to eat it too but can't? Interesting question. Why do you catch yourself doing that? Now, I don't catch myself doing that.

And if I did, I could do it. Yeah, I mean, I feel like if I really wanted to eat cum, I just would. This is also butt can't, like butt haven't tried is how it should end. I mean, one of the amazing things about the human body is that I can produce my own. So it wouldn't be difficult for me. If it was something I really wanted to try, it would take me maybe 10 minutes. Now tell me God didn't have a plan. But honestly, yeah, you should just do it, man.

Yeah, just do it. Just do it. Stop. I guess the thing is that they want to eat somebody else's cum. I had a very pervy friend in high school who was, like, the kind of friend who would, like, you'd be, like, you'd go to their house to hang out, and he'd be, like, yo, check out this thing on the video, on the computer, and it would just be porn. Yeah. I mean, it's a little funny. And I very distinctly remember.

Yeah, it was a little funny. It's like he has a gag. I very distinctly remember being, like, in a pool with him one time, just me, him, and one other guy. And he goes, like, there's, like, a lull in, like, early high school, and he goes, you guys ever try your own cum? And we both said no. I'm trying to break the silence here. You guys are being so weird. we said no and he tried to play it off as us being weird yeah he's like you haven't tried it

yet like you've never smoked a cigarette kind of like you know what i mean all right yeah i guess uh leave a lot of mysteries unchallenged yeah uh it was like you know he tried to play uh eating his own cum is like the cool adult thing to do you guys want to have a soda after we get out of the pool just want to do your next topic of conversation um so no i haven't tried it but i imagine if i caught myself watching people who's he watching i i don't i guess pornographic videos i must assume this is a woman because if it's a man if you then it's a real solve it's just so easy to do you need it comes up 10 times a day you need a cup and that's it i'm always knocking it out of a cup in my house. People are like, hey, try this.

And I'm like, get out of here. I'm not going to drink that. Donald Trump? Just because you're my dad now doesn't mean you can make me drink cum, Donald Trump. This one's getting demonetized so fast, bro. It's crazy. There's no way

around it. Oh, wait, there's two answers. One of them is just a butt. That's a butt. One of them says, do you lose the urge to eat it after you cum? If so, welcome to the club. The answer is to The answer is to come into a container And freeze the semen for your next play session

The next time you feel like eating cum You can thaw out your frozen load And swish it around in your mouth while you masturbate To save the resulting load The same way for next time Eventually you'll be eating So used to eating cum You'll be able to eat it fresh

Happy jacking Happy Jacking, fantastic sign-off. All right, well, that's from Frank. I love that Frank is approaching gum the same way you do to getting into whiskey or something. Sure, you're going to need it with Ice Cube first, but then after you get used to the flavors, actually the notes are in a standard glass.

This guy is an expert in masturbation. Let's not read any more, Frank. I don't want to read any more. You can read one more, but I feel like you're in trouble today. No, he's got nothing interesting other than eating and drinking fluids. We hate Frank here.

So I'm not going to read the words. Don't bring Frank up again. All right, let's go to the next question. I think this is the bong. If you liked that sound, you're going to love our next question. Can smoking cigarettes make you happy? If so, how much should you smoke per day to be content in life? So in this question, we're doctors, but in, like, the year 1948.

and you can like game out smoking cigarettes they're like all right smoking makes you happy but it's bad right what is the mathematical perfect number of cigarettes to smoke per day to gain the most happiness while not losing the most life i am hiccuping so much let me check my race chart it's 1948 i myself and this is just a personal influence uh you know my my story that i'm sharing with our listeners is i don't smoke until i get drunk as all hell and then i have one cigarette every three months and it feels like i'm gonna die for a second but in a way that rocks yeah so that's pretty good that's probably the happiest a cigarette can make you all my friends i know who smoke and then like give me the cigarette they are having a terrible time sure

and so if it's making you happy you should have one every three months when you black out drink so much i saw this happen recently oh yeah you were there one of the times yeah and um your wife banished you to the corner of the bar she doesn't like it she doesn't like it nope she said i am not gonna kiss you later if you smoke a cigarette and you said i don't give a fuck well i thought that would be kept off the internet for sure as it was happening i said that's fine to say because it It won't end up on YouTube, but here we are. We can cut that, too. The fact is that Donald Trump has been making moves on my wife.

This is such a silly episode. It's not like the others. I've never smoked a cigarette ever. Really? Yeah. Jeremy, you must. Is it because you're afraid of losing kisses? It's my big fear.

Are you afraid you're going to be missing kisses on the back end? Oh, I can't be losing those kisses. What is life without a girlfriend? All my kisses gone. All my kisses gone. How many slurp kisses can you put on a kiss? This is internet gibberish now. Jesus Christ.

I hate that my brain is like this. The top comment is smoking does not make you happy. Your body becomes addicted to the nicotine, which after time has a seemingly calming effect. Now, interesting question. Maybe that's what the guy meant by the N word, nicotine. Can you get addicted to the nicotine? Hell yeah, you can.

you it's a big problem you have to pretty much you get addicted and you gotta have a patch to get rid of it um anyway people do enjoy smoking though no i mean you're not addicted to it have you ever seen a french person i've certainly have they're always wearing like that mime shirt and doing this yeah we got owned by a french person earlier today oh yeah remember that i do but i will not speak of it now um you're not addicted to cigarettes are you i mean you're having it once every three months? Yeah, well, I'm addicted to the three-month cycle.

I guess that's right. It's like a werewolf's addicted to turning into a goddamn wolf in the full moon. Stuart, on the other hand, who'd teach her a French. Stuart Bartholomew. He says,

the great illusion, or the big lie, is that cigarettes bring you some benefit in terms of feeling good. If you inhale a deep, deep breath of pure air and then exhale

and do it several times, that already gives you a relaxing feeling. Just air, no smoke, no nothing else. But when you do it With smoke, you get the same feeling, slightly intensified by the nicotine hit and the smoke,

if that is your lungs are willing to take it. But in reality, the difference is pretty small. The big lie, ignore slash obscure, is the fact that inhaling and exhaling pure air is already a relaxing thing to do. They call it the big lie. That air doesn't rock. This is what big tobacco doesn't want you to know, is that breathing is dope. They're trying to lie to you about air and how cool it is.

I love to breathe. It feels so good sucking down a cold one, parentheses, of air. If that were true, though, they would probably just start selling cigarettes that are just tubes, just empty tubes, and you just go like this. Oh, I'm so lightheaded. You never go to college, just stand outside and just suck on the tube. I know I work in a kitchen.

I like to suck on my tube just to take a break. People do sell, like, you can buy pure oxygen. Yeah, sure. I mean, that's addict behavior more than anything else we've seen today. Yeah. You can get pretty fucked up on that. I'll raise a glass to that, Jeremy. Anyway, I don't know.

I guess the answer is one every three months. The answer is one every three months. But you do miss out on those kisses. Sloppy. If you're trying to min-max your cigarette use. Yeah. If you're trying to max out on kisses, stay away. Yeah, don't do that.

If you're going for a high-kiss build, you're not going to want that. Unless you're farming the cigarette corner. If you're on Cigarette Alley and you're just looking for kisses, that's the way to get it is by hanging out and being like, want to bum one and only cause a kiss? Yeah. Also, if you're listening to the podcast, I'm not telling you to do that. If you're a young person looking for a high-kiss in life.

If you're a child who loves Quarators, how did you find this feed? Get out. This is for adults only. This is for grown-ups. this is explicit and it says so on apple music yes our podcast listeners are all 32 and male literally like 99.2 of them by the numbers it's striking and we don't know why um it's funny because we exaggerated that i think it's more like you know 70 30 or something and when we put i remember we said that the last time a bunch of women like dm does to be like i'm a woman

and we're like, thank you. Slow clap. Applause for you. If you listen to the bonus feed, you'll know that Alex and I are 99% female ourselves. That's 100% true. Let's move on to Corbin and Fruit. Absolutely.

The religion segment. Hey, close. That's what it sounds like. so this is i am on quora did you kind of say quora at the end yeah it ended with quora um the way the doctors discuss in the back doctor room these are scholars and scholarly minds discussing the finer points of religion and so it's a lot like that painting of all the greek philosophers walking down that alley you know they're like doing the beyonce get in formation but of Greece?

Yes. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do know what you're talking about. Okay. It's also similar to the painting of all the jokers. Oh, yeah. Where they're at the bar.

Having a dinner. Yeah, they're at a dinner. Two great paintings. There's so many fine paintings I'd love to discuss in this program. But what is this question? In the Bible, it is said that angels

take the human form sometimes. If a person met an angel and that person revealed or told the human that he was an angel, how would the angel react if you tried to hug him? Hug them?

So, do angels need consent to hug? I think so, right? You can't just be hugging people. Well, they're kind of beyond our comprehension in a way, and they're not people. So, I guess that's the question. You're, like, hugging, like, a biblically accurate angel, and there are, like, a bunch of just, like, tentacles, and they're, like, an eye. It looks like a Final Fantasy boss, yeah.

This does say the human form, but I think it's funnier to do the other form. I guess I think of it this way, which is that I would need consent to hug a dog. And so I would need consent to hug an angel. I don't know. I feel like I hug my cat against his will pretty often. Wow. Well, maybe reconsider the way you behave. But I think an angel being a higher level of being would forgive me if I slipped up a little bit because I got to get that touch in.

Oh, yeah. You think that an angel would hug you even if you smoked a cigarette? Also depends on the angel, too. Yeah. I acknowledge your riff, and I'm laughing. Now, I would like to say it depends on the angel, and if it's a wrathful angel, they may smite you with a flaming sword. That's all I want to know.

Yeah, because not all angels are nice, right? No. I mean, Michael? He's the archangel, right? I mean, Michael? Mike? Big Mike? He's going to cut you down, Jay.

Yeah. Don't go around hugging the human form of Michael. Archangel. Mike or Herman Trout. Now that's a character. Magic Mike. That's pretty good, too. There's all kinds of material here.

Let's read this answer from Sherry. Yep. She says, My daughter and I have had encounters with angels in human form. Must be nice, Sherry! I prayed to be able to recognize them, and I have sometimes been allowed.

But there is a great restraint upon us, and a veiling that is removed later, that you know after the fact, more than at the time of the encounter, They can take any human form but will be supernatural in some ways at the same time. If God allows, you will have to be walking in the spirit, and you can enjoy the encounter. My ministering angels have sometimes been sent in answers to prayers. I sometimes wonder if they can take animal form, as animals sometimes do miraculous things.

Praise God for his angels he sends to help us on Earth. Now, if you've been paying attention to the show, this woman is not autistic. She is just a psychopath. this person did not answer the question at all well they had a little story where's the thing about the hugs i like that the daughters were involved and then the the comment on that the comment was they can take forms as animals got it hey here just here to confirm they do that um i don't i want to know about the hugging part yeah for sure uh haven says i think it would depend on your intention if it was pure they would likely hug you back if it was pervy i doubt they

would let you touch them are you being a perv right now stop being weird let gabriel's cleavage belongeth to gabriel angels have this way of controlling the situation when they say stop it's like a command that goes right into your bones your very flesh obeys without your consent wait well that's not very nice either well they're angels they're not always nice i never tried to hug any of the angels i saw in human form though i hug one on the astral quite often he returns the hug like a loving father would oh there you go so just do it on the astral yeah do it on the astral don't do it human that's weird but if they don't want you to they will command you to stop in a way that goes into your bones it shields your bones and so it's really a low risk um no means no

it's a low risk behavior to an angel because if they want to if they wanted to kill you it'd already be dead so true so yeah it's a very clean answer on that we gotta do it on the astral let's it let's get the next question up here sure can you look like however we want in heaven oh baby oh baby oh baby yeah i want to look like angelina jolie up there what if you go to heaven and everyone is just angelina jolie i hope so dog that's heaven to me i'm a millennial i don't know new celebrities that's just like a comedian in 2007 like oh i'd love to have sex with 400 angelina jolie i hope it's john voight's daughter up there also what's up with ninjas yeah what are they

enemies with pirates how are these guys even meeting to fight so much i can't go to a newberry comics without seeing five or six ninjas v pirates scenarios i went to a comedy show recently and then it's also 2007 so they do like a big act out whoa whoa too many pirates i i um i went to a comedy show recently and this guy did a whole bit uh about how he just watched the harry potter movies for the first time okay and then just did like observational jokes about harry potter that all bombed and the whole time it kept being like i probably should have done this years ago but it up being like but like what's snape steel and people were just like we've talked about this already i wish i hadn't been that exact person for a variety of other films you could never get

away with it for harry potter because everyone's already seen it but like so people are just like i just saw face off i mean their faces switch seems unrealistic to me i don't know yeah that's the thing it's like the most surface level understanding too it's not like anything new It was just like, so there's magic? I don't know. So do Weasleys adopt Harry? Or like, what's the deal with that? Yeah.

It's just like a guardianship? That was basically the level of joke it was. I don't really care. I'm still riffing this out. I'm still riffing this out. But owls seem like, if we already have pigeons, I don't get the benefit of using an owl. Hagrid's weird.

He's too big. If that guy came to my house, I'd say, there's the door. If Hagrid came to buy you, Hey, I want to talk to your son. Well, there's the door pal.

I really should have done this a decade ago. You just kept being like, I just saw it for the first time. I used to think about Hagrid as once an umbrella. Even if it did well, I wouldn't want to do that joke again. Like why would I want to be the Harry Potter guy in 2023? Hey,

I'm not a muggle up here. We did talk about, we talked about muggles a lot on the last time. It was 11 a.m. It's been a long time since then. But anyway, can you look however you want in heaven? Yeah, I think. No, I think you should look exactly the way you look when you die.

See, that is sometimes how it's depicted. And there's so many sad children who are stuck as two-year-olds that way. That sucks for them. Also, everybody else is infirm. They all want to be hot again. And that's why they look just like Angelina Jolie in my new proposal that I'm calling 2007 Heaven. but like if you're a two-year-old like what are you supposed to like imagine an old version of yourself or is it like it automatically through some fucking algorithm yeah it just like assumes

what you'd look like if you join world of warcraft and in like a late date you have the option of starting at level 60 and i think that's pretty much what they're i'm pretty sure you know now that i've said it into a microphone i'm actually like not 100 sure but i think that happens sometimes i think that's a great pitch though you should just be able to like start it like if Unless you're doing Vanilla Heaven. Yeah, no. This is a late expansion for Heaven. There's no league years.

I've never played World of Warcraft, and I'm mad that I can't riff one of the expansion names. It doesn't matter. Frosts of... It doesn't matter. Frozen, Starcraft, who cares? I'm sorry I brought it up, but it is relevant that you can prestige Heaven.

Yeah. I'm in double Heaven. Yeah, I want to have, like, Abs in Heaven. and abs comes up a lot on this show. Yes. The thing is, they just look good, and in heaven, it's all the more yummy. Here's an answer that's similar to what we said,

but for people I've never heard of. Steve Lambert says, No, all the ladies look like Miriam Margoyles. All the gentlemen look like Michael Winner. It's only fair to even everyone up. Okay, so now we're going to Google Miriam Margoyles and Michael Winner. Miriam Margoyles is a British-Australian actress. Interesting.

So this is really, again, a problem we are always running into on this website, which is that everyone is from Europe or India. Who's Michael Winner? Michael Winner is going to be a different Australian actor, I bet. Yeah, it's just a British filmmaker. He just looks like a guy. He died, though. He's dead. So what does he look like now, I guess, is my question.

Nothing. But he's a real dime piece. Well, that's a weird take from that guy. Why is one of them alive still? Like, that's weird. Well, he was saying that he evens out. I don't know if this was asked a long time ago, maybe when it was more topical. It was like a few days ago.

That's fine. Well, Michael Winner is in heaven right now, and he's looking like a snack. Most people are just like, I don't know. Ask God. Very honest of you. I believe in heaven. It doesn't really matter what you look like physically. Everyone's beautiful, nonjudgmental, happy, accepted.

We keep running into the Yukio Mishima of it all, because he always said that thing about you want to die young so you look beautiful in heaven. you leave a beautiful corpse it's an interesting way to live to assume that like you you go to heaven and then like you so like if if if you assume that you're in heaven you look how you did when you died with minus the stabbing or whatever yeah uh by the way you're stabbed by donald trump who's living in your house with your wife um so so like you know you live for what let's say 90 years on average at most generously um then you're in heaven forever uh-huh so that

that is the more important look yeah right so it kind of does the logic of like if you assume that's how you're going to look forever you do kind of want to clock out right at the perfect moment if you're in heaven jeremy it's a land of pleasures and a land of bliss and so i don't cares if you got wrinkly old skin even if you look like the dang notre dame hunchback from the famous uh story and also i didn't name it that whoa is heaven body positive i think it's body positive that is what i was saying so you're just kind of happy to be there all right fair enough it always feels like you're blasting one sorry mishima sorry mishima we'll stop bringing you up on the show until we learn more about you until we learn a second thing about you uh yeah so i

think we clean that one up and i'm dusting my hands off that's a podcast people that's a podcast podcast people it feels good it looks good feels good looks good um do we have a question we want to ask yes jeremy we do marg oils um let's ask a question about kisses okay um how can i maximize the number of kisses from my wife that's exactly the question that i wanted to ask put that in type that up that's a show how about that that's been another episode of core writers the number one show where we ask what is quora it's me alex and that's jeremy i'm jeremy we're here every week if you'd like bonus episodes where we read things like reddit and other websites that are like quora but are not Quora, that's on Patreon.com

slash Quora Raiders. And we also have all the free episodes up there, so you can follow the show from there for free. And in the meantime, I tip my cap to you for watching this full podcast. Good day. Good day, Quora citizen. Good day. Good day.

And goodbye. Yosso Groot. Yosso Groot.