Quorators - Where Is Santa Claus Located? w/ Juniper

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: What gender is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer? Why is Hanukkah often so closely associated with Judaism? Is it haram for Muslims to make a snowman? ----- Listen to Western Kabuki wherever podcasts are sold Check out Alex's new kickstarter this holiday season kickstarter.com/theaterofdelights/theater-of-delights-season-6  Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show at https://www.youtube.com/@quorators 

You hear that? Oh, I hear it. It's Christmas morning. Time to open your pod present. Welcome to Cracked.com! home of the fact this is the quaraders podcast we're your hosts alex and jeremy i'm alex i'm jeremy and it's christmas morning and this is a podcast where we read quora and that's all you have to know about it what else do you need for christmas right exactly usually just one podcast

and who's that voice you hear telltale jing jingling over the over the online line why it's a very special guest all the way here from the web itself we have juniper juniper welcome to the show hello thank you for inviting me you guys invited me like a couple of months ago and i just like didn't get back to you guys ever and then i just like recently remembered like oh shit you should you know i should do that that sounds like a fun podcast to hop on so thank you for like not hating my guts after just like ghosting you guys for like two months no we wanted to have you on at christmas so to make sure that lined up also what did you go through like three accounts since then like i don't know oh more than that more than

like a couple accounts have lasted like like like less than a day um so like at least five at least five or six if listeners don't know juniper is somewhat of the grinch of x.com that's why it's called x moving from one heist to the next on this storied website right yeah yeah no you could call me a grinch i'm i'm kind of grinch coded uh for like a certain type of to exit the everything app formerly known as twitter.com user um but no it's it's like okay you know i meant it only the most positive respect yeah as a thought leader i just like to be like a digital terrorist right that's like the most fun way to be online i think so i agree and the fbi agrees with me yeah um it's christmas morning juniper if you're not familiar with the show

every week we go on quora we bookend it by asking a question and then answering it at the start of the episode so we got to do that before we can properly christmas it up in here because we did not play into that at all last time no we forgot and did not look at the calendar but yeah as we all know uh if you're listening to the audio we're all wearing santa hats yes and we have big uh jolly bellies and we're laughing and it's a roaring fire and it definitely doesn't look like a shot that isis uses to film a hostage video we're gonna execute the grinch he's gotta die for what he did uh wait real quick juniper have you been on quora.com before i have oh my god yeah i feel like a lot like everyone knows about quora right so many people know about it it's the reason

for this season to me it's like the the like an analog or or like a colleague of yahoo answers right yes absolutely yeah and that's what's beautiful about it i think so it's one of the rare uh i don't know untouched ecosystems of the web yeah we're losing so much like we just lost omegle we lost yahoo answers a couple years back there's there's very few like old internet sites remaining and i i don't know how old quora is but in my mind it feels like one sure yeah so many great stories and questions so many legends out there um well we we should begin with our questions because i'm pretty much chomping at the bit to christmas it all right well no one answered this question the question was is it okay to wear a leather vest at a nudist beach so i think it is

i think it's fine i think it's okay as long as your dick's out you're good to go whatever who cares wait why would that be a bad thing like i i feel like that's where you you like you bring out the leather chaps like the assless chaps like that's where you take out that stuff right well if it's a nudist beach i don't know there's so many nudist users on quora that we really thought that somebody would be like no absolutely no clothes allowed yeah well i want to know like what part of the nudism is important to them is it what are you hiding genitals out or is it like i have an aversion to cloth i have pictured as an adam and eve type simulator okay wherein you are moved to a pre-clothes world so there's like nudist purists there's like a new age nudists you

can have like the the leather chaps or whatever yeah we should definitely deep dive more on the nudist because we we did we had brian on last week um from uh guys the guys podcast great show and he's we were reading these answers and he's like nudists these are all guys interesting these are a type of guys that's how he sees the world he categorizes everything he witnesses yeah he just like immediately like recognizes he's he's like he's watching prey in front of him he's like looks around the world he sees the like life in like the matrix code this is what i was gonna say he's sitting at the console he sees a bunch of trees that he's like those are guys those are guys get out of there get to a phone booth those are guys

I wonder if there's like a conservative nudist out there who's like yeah I'm not wearing clothes but I still gotta got my gun on me still gotta have my gun you would just have to be holding the gun all the time it's exhausting cause it's not clothes unless it's in your hands

that actually does sound very primal in the way I'm into but we'll have to explore this on a day that isn't Christmas morning Jeremy please this is center activity we're not centers on Christmas absolutely not we have to accept that we bombed our quora question and move on and no one on the website wanted to answer it um okay this is a great first question speaking of

the grinch here's our question is the grinch a good example of an unhealthy infj okay so i don't know the myers-briggs test as well as i could but the one i do know is int j that's the big one right that's the one for dark um geniuses that's right and i did somewhat assume the grinch folded into that category although he is a being of action he is he's he's like uh he's just like a little birthday guy right he's just like a little guy yeah he's just nervous he's scared it's like we got brian back on the pod with all the guys getting spotted all right i'm on this website idfj idealistic organized insightful dependable compassionate gentle seek harmony and cooperation enjoy intellectual stimulation so no he's certainly not certainly not gentle

he's he's he whips a dog to drag it down a mountain yeah wow what a jerk are you familiar with the canon do you know the lore do you know bridge lore this is gonna come up relentlessly so feel free to low-key abusive i right i'm gonna write up a post about him i didn't know that about him i was a fan of him before and now that's fucked up i have the receipts on the grinch from the movie the grinch a bunch of like tiktok teams being like did you know he did this he stole christmas i'm reading a letter from the grinch holy shit i didn't know that yeah Yeah, the Grinch is one of the characters you're not supposed to idolize. He's somewhat of a dark character.

We all have problematic faves. So, wait, you just closed the Myers-Briggs thing. Oh, I'm so sorry. There's a lot of other categories that this Grinch could fit into. Yeah, wait, I'm going back to it. Which one do you like, Alex? I've heard. Intp?

Is he an Intj? See, the problem is there's too many categories. Intj, innovative, independent, strategic, logical, reserved, insightful, driven by original ideas to achieve improvements. There's no dark genius one. No, but an ent J is like an entertainment job. And that's where the Grinch falls under. He is extrovert.

I is introvert. He's certainly extroverted. I don't know if you've seen the film. Yeah, no, I have. It's true. And I hate to harvest. J is judging. That's certainly one of them.

Yeah. Judging all the Christmas trees and their wreaths and the hula-hoo-ba-hoos. Did you watch it today? I watched it every day. You're quite familiar with the lore. I wrote that whole season of my little show thing about the Grinch, so I did extensive research. That's right.

There's no answers on Quora for this one. No one had the courage to answer if the Grinch is a dark... You can see who asked it. Here's interesting. So Sarah Shepard is the name of the woman who asked this. She's a home educator. You got the address here. Merry Christmas.

Her profile says INTP. So she is not an INFJ. She's got her own thing going on. Intellectual, logical, precise, reserved, flexible, imaginative. Kind of trying to cast shade on the INTFs then. That's right. All right, well. INFJs.

That's enough of that question. That's enough. The community was, again, afraid to answer this one as well. So we'll have to get into at least one question other people on Quora have seen. Okay. Here's a better answer. This one has 96 answers, so we're in luck. This question is...

Thank Christ. Merry Christmas. Why have atheists never tried to attack Christmas trees? Okay. Wait, who? Sorry, I missed what you said. Terrorists? Atheists.

Or is it the same thing? Merry Christmas. Sounds like the same thing there. Synonyms. Yeah, in terms of Christmas tree attacks. Now, in all of history, I have never heard of a Christmas tree attack. That's right. That's why they never expect it.

the trees seem vaguely undefended and unassaulted there's gonna be like a 9-11 of christmas trees the industry's gonna change everything's gonna be different after that first time yeah they won't let you go to uh ice skating in manhattan anymore unless you like go through security yeah it is interesting like if you abide by like the george w bush narrative of 9-11 of like why osama bin laden attacked you'd think he would be attacking that's right Because he hates his freedom so much. Yeah, he's just like, get rid of those bulbs. Stop smiling so much.

Our big target is the Pentagon, the World Trade Center, and Christmas. Is Osama bin Laden the history's The Grinch? Did you ask yourself why three planes shot down sleighs over Christmas on September 11th? 3,000 souls lost in Whoville. That's a damn shame. They're all in a snowflake. that's one of the fucked up things about the grinch story is that again we're back on no hold on you have okay you need to explain are they like real tiny people on a snowflake yeah that's

precisely the whole that's fucking what it is that's why he can live on a mountain that looks like that because it's like just how it's snowflake logic wow i need to do like a deep dive can you make like a 10 hour video on a deep dive of the grinch lore i need to like know everything now i certainly can i think you should well we'll see if i have the time later but um yeah you'd I think you're on Tumblr.com with all this snowflake logic. I had that one. I had that one waiting in the wings for up to 15 seconds there. Well done.

I'm glad that you held strong. Oh, thank Christ. Speaking of which. They met a lot today. It's late. We don't usually record this late. This was posted in Toronto. I'm so sorry.

I live in the Midwest, work late hours. I'm so sorry for ruining your guys' lifestyle. If you're watching at home, it may be Christmas morning for you, but it is 3 a.m. No, not even. There are bags under our eyes. Alex and I are two jobless heathens. I'm trying to see if there's any good answers on this.

Jeremy's perusing the chorus here. There's like this weird one where it says, probably because Christmas trees don't start shit with us. Be more like Christmas trees. And there's a picture of like a tough guy. He's like a mean guy. Holding a coffee bug and it says, coffee doesn't ask me stupid questions in the morning.

Oh, fuck yeah. Who is this man? That's Santa. You can't tell because he looks normal, but that's when it's not Christmas. He shaves the beard. He just looks like some fucker. Okay.

So I'm going to guess that all 95 comments are just people being quite rude. I think as an atheist, we should attack Christmas trees. It's not a bad idea. It sounds entertaining. Yeah. As like a Reddit version of the weatherman,

i think we should start bombing christmas trees when was this question asked because i'm assuming a lot of these questions are like old right um are they new are these like brand new this is brand new discourse doesn't happen too often like anymore like no one's talking about atheism anymore on quora.com you'd be surprised we're reddit atheism migrated to yeah i guess so yeah this is a new somebody's seen all the events in the middle east this year and said and another thing why don't atheists attack the christmas tree sometimes we find questions that are like 10 years old but this one is from like four days ago oh my god so this one is fresh hot discourse a hot quora yeah um attacking religious symbols is the wantonly silly kind of thing theists do

we're not like that whoa destroyed holy shit killing spree i don't know if you can hear our sound effects but we're playing kill ends they're beautiful the halo the halo want to make sure those are going through for an audience of one um okay well i don't see any good ones people should attack christmas trees i want to see someone really like go for it yeah it's on site though yeah why are atheists like i'm an atheist but why like why are why is every atheist why do they try to be so logical why do they try to be so like reasonable why where are our unhinged like westboro baptist church atheists where are they i think we lose them to satanism like if you're that anti-christianity

you're like i'm gonna take this the full thing like i'm gonna burn these i'm gonna get talismans yeah we should show up at funerals with like god hates i don't know like the god hates theists signs or some some slur well it has to be not god i don't know what that would be we have to be like God, parentheses, not real. Hates theists. We should attack all of the trees at funerals. Just to get a message across. Divine Atheists is now talking about...

Are you just on all of the Divine Atheists answers? So this is Divine Atheists. This is where it was posted. Oh, this is a space. This is a space. So if you're not familiar, Quora has spaces the way that Reddit has subreddits. but also there seems to be no rule on how many you can create and so people will just have like dan space dan space three dan space seven incredible yeah so this one's divine atheists

doubt with purpose live with passion 780 followers wow oh he's he's a big deal over there holy shit yeah this is a quora influencer deals are flying through his window i'm sure he's gonna be we're gonna all know his name soon oh absolutely i know his name right now it's divine atheists good branding beautiful name um the admin's name is tamer that's what i found out he's from istanbul that's cool and he studied finance at baruch college so he's somewhere in new york Oh, we've got to hang out. Call them for drinks.

He could be your next guest. It's Christmas. We know he's free. I've got to find another question. Please. Okay, here's another Christmas question, because guess what? They're all Christmas questions. How do I tell my daughter that her family is not welcome at our Christmas dinner this year since they're not voting Republican?

This is a good one. Do you think this is real? Oh. i choose to believe it is i kind of choose to believe they all are there's there's as many like angry older posters on here as there are like irony uh quora podcasts like ourselves so it's like 50 50 on it but i choose to believe this is like i want to get the messaging right for my godless child i feel like if you're trying to like do misinformation like try to like fool people why would you go to quora first right like there's so many different avenues there's so many

easier places to go to so this this has to be real no one's doing it for like the bit on quora no it's just us enough yeah that's for sure but in terms of what you should tell your daughter and her family how about get fucked i think it's trump 2024 no i'm with him i'm with him too he's got us lay down the law that's right i got a tree and it's just mike pence with a light bulb in his mouth and we make him eat the light bulb her family might attack the tree maybe she would be the first one he's just trying to secure his premises i can't know that my tree is safe with you around what with how you're planning to vote next year this is crazy well was this for the 2020 though this is a year ago so this is like far away from

a presidential election. Or it's midterms. This is a local political debate affecting Christmas. Yeah. Which I feel like just happened

after the midterms. Where like Republicans didn't really do very well, but like... This is why. Yeah, that must have been what it was, I feel like.

You ruined the red wave. No Christmas presents for you. I'm trying to see if there's any good... You've already decided that it's more important to you for her

to pledge devotion to your chosen political party than for her and her family to be with you during a holiday season that's meant to celebrate family, togetherness, generosity, peace, and love. So why are you wasting time

seeking phrasing tips from strangers on the internet? Goddamn. Roasted. Oh, this is a great one. Okay, this is from Papa's Mountain. Oh, I love Papa's Mountain. Qualification is father of two transgendered

teenagers and one non-binary. He says, wow, all caps, tolerance runs strong with your family, dot, dot, dot. Not. and there's more there's more on papa's mountain republican side because like if my family doesn't turn out to be all like traditionalist maoists i don't know if i could deal with that the last thing we need is an inter-party family split yeah what if they're stalinists that would be yeah they can't come to christmas anymore um look at this guy's photo he's papa's mountain

Is that blurred or is his head just so bald it appears to just reflect the light? He's holding a big mug of something to his camera and he's smiling. It's of conservative tears? Maybe it is. We know it's tears of some kind because it's a form of Papa. Papas love tears, by the way, don't they, folks? He's a metal fabricator. I'd love to drink these.

Oh, baby! yeah if you live in oregon go to papa's mountain fabrication fabrication you can do whatever that is oh okay so he makes this guy's business yeah apparently yeah i'm gonna make the pilgrimage i want to shake his hand check out metal work custom metal work that's cool as hell i love doxing people go ahead and check out papa's fabrication uh he says i'm really glad i'm not part of your family seriously seriously though if you're not welcoming your family because they didn't vote republican you've got some serious issues to work out congratulations on cutting yourself off from the rest of your family i'm gonna play the godzilla

soon because of him because of how badly he's getting i i kind of love the idea of getting dogpiled on like a question website like this like it's not even like a social media in like the same way that like twitter or like instagram is but like he's still getting cooked in the quote tweets yeah he's getting ratioed they're dragging your ass in the answers to your question l l plus ratio hold this mean woman um edmund o'donnell says you put a big sign on your lawn that says i'm a republican asshole who wants to impose my views on others none of these are gonna let her know none of these are gonna let her know she's not welcome

yeah i would say something like ding dong bitch christmas is canceled that's what i would say this is my own daughter i'm cancel culture yet again comes for christmas yet another instance it gets them the other way it goes both ways that's right that's reverse welcome to evil papa's mountain it's a different kind papa's grinch mountain wait what is the name of the Grinch Mountain I definitely have this in here somewhere

wait so is Grinch a victim of cancel culture or did he engage in cancel culture he engaged in cancel culture he himself was cancelled but that's what I'm saying yeah he was cancelled the entire village cancelled him he was cancelled for being a freak

he was just expressing his he was using his right to free speech to express himself and the village came after him now it depends on the text we're working with right If you're going by the Jim Carrey Grinch, they really go into the fact that the Grinch is, like, born evil and then is rejected for that. And then if you go with, like, the 2014 or whatever Grinch that has, like, the Tyler, the Creator song at the beginning, that one has, like, the Grinch is misunderstood, which I am canonically against. I think that is –

Tyler, the Creator song? So you're racist against green people? You think they're all ontologically evil? I think the Grinch is a character. The whole point is he's like a son of a bitch. He's like that. It's not a misunderstanding. His heart's too small.

He's like made of eels or whatever. See, I'm just trying to pick your brain about my new essay about Grinch cancel culture. And we will be doing the 10-hour video. Mount Crumpet, by the way, is the name. Mount Crumpet. I wouldn't have got there. You've got a dog named Max. I remember Max.

tyler the creator does a grinch theme song that we cannot play legally as this is crack.com home of the fact um but uh it's something like oh mr grinch that's pretty good you you one bad guy i like that that's good it's basically the same thing yeah he kind of gets funky with it check it out check it check out tower the creator close friend of the show check out igor we love him Tyler, come back. Shout out to the little guys, Tyler the Creator and the Grinch. Little known people. They collabed.

All of Wolfgang, really. Yeah, the Grinch was part of Odd Future. There's a big scene. Earl the Grinch. Jasper. There's so many more of these. They got to get the Grinch on Jackass. All right, that's enough of that.

He's going to go down Mount Crumpit. It's too steep. Oh, I already read this, Cora. I'm so sorry. You've got to whip your dog really hard to do that. Oh, this is a really interesting question. Where is Santa Claus located? Big fan of the phrasing here.

It does sound just like somebody who's like... He's looking for him. Somebody getting a text from Santa Claus and just like, where is Santa Claus located? This is like you're talking to your dad about Santa Claus. But a quick reminder, it is, as far as I can tell, and Juniper, tell me if I'm wrong, the North Pole? uh-huh i think that's right the north pole the south pole is the one that's got penguins yeah

you can't really go to the north pole it's just water it's not no the north pole this is there's water up there no there's ice what are you talking about where did you go to school well there is water i mean ice is water frozen water south pole's where it's at dog i don't know what kind of south pole liberal propaganda you've been getting the north pole has ice it's Santa is located there. Coca-Cola visits with bears. That's right. They got those bears.

Stalin was exiled there for a bit. Santa Claus represents good working values. He has a team of elves working for him. It's a good capitalist framework. It's a good place up there. Good people. Good people. The elves do not co-own.

No, they don't. Not a co-op. That's not in any of these questions. if santa claus was in south pole a different reality it might be a co-op sort of situation we're living in a north pole reality yeah the north pole is part of the west that's right that's just a fact sorry sorry if you're triggered but it's crack.com and it's home of the fact that's literally a fact where is santa claus located it's the north perhaps we'll never fire us for that we will be here forever forever just barricade yourself in the room

They can't make us leave. There's a lot of answers like this. Are there any good answers to this? It's just people being mean, right? It's just people answering it. They're not even being mean. They're just explaining the North Pole. Apparently, 1225 Snowball Lane in Elv Village, North Pole is where it is.

Oh, it's good to get a number on it. But, Jeremy, I am curious. How many of them are saying the North Pole is water? Who's backing you up on that one? I just want to get a number here. There's water up there, dog. We gotta send you up to the North Pole, dude I would love to

He's like, he's never left Long Island I'd drink it all up He just thinks the whole world is Massapequa He thinks it's Squamskit That's not a real wood Flomsy Flopsy Alright, here's another question What gender is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Okay I love the idea of going to quora to ask these questions because you can just google them well yeah but if you want to ask the people you want to get someone to ask you need to be told it's like a judge judy style people's response it's like creating reality like like there's no answer until quora weighs in right yeah um and again like it depends on the framework you're using here because the i'm the movie is very much like rudolph is a young man here is his girlfriend reindeer he is trying for the football reindeer team it is 1948

but it's not definitive in that way there's not an answer here that says it could be lesbians that's right she could be a bunch right yeah absolutely and i'm looking at rudolph here and I see it. We got Rudolph pulled up. Pull up Rudolph at home. Jamie. There's a comment here that says, according to scientists, Rudolph is a girl. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Science strikes again. What science is this? We got to start teaching the controversy. Apparently, males shed their antlers before mid-Christmas, so he cannot be male. Oh, shit. Real scientists. Two months old or something? It doesn't look like he's full grown.

And then there's a picture of Maya Rudolph. Oh, and it says, Maya Rudolph is a woman. And then it says, she has a distinguished comedic acting career, probably best known for Bridesmaids and Idiocracy. Okay. Huge. Triggered. Triggered by Maya Rudolph trivia.

Yeah, that's right. She was on SNL. Bridesmaids from that one scene in MacGruber. Scientists say Maya Rudolph is a man. Online scientists. If you look at her antlers. I love the casual name drop of all scientists, by the way. My friend, all scientists.

They told me. Yeah, that's a pretty good percent. 100% of scientists. I don't really think we're going to get much more controversial than, no, it's a girl. Can anybody top that? I don't know. Someone says maybe magical reindeer are actually genderless.

Yeah, I mean, why not? No, you're either a boy or a girl. There's nothing. That's it. I can accept that they can fly without wings, but they got to be a boy or a girl. It's Santa's rules. Santa's house.

Which is, again, 1255 Snowball Lane. Well done remembering that. Apparently his girlfriend rocks on this podcast. holy fuck yeah we we will dox rudolph the red nose yeah i need to get in on this type of this this this lane uh cracked we love it that's fucking awesome cracked is personally responsible for people putting their addresses on quora i want to get out in front of it that's their idea yeah uh go to these people's houses please tell them you're a fan of our podcast check out papa's mountain it's normal to do it i love him i hope you somehow run into him again

Yeah, maybe. I should have followed him. We've only been... What's Papa's Mountain? That was the guy who answered the... He makes, like, tables and stuff. Yeah, he was the one who said... He was the one who told the Republican guy to fuck off earlier in this episode.

Oh, that's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, you know what? I found him again, and I'm following him. He's got 61 followers, and one of them is Alex Patak. You should have more. I followed him on your account, Alex. Yeah, 61 now, Papa.

He's going to pop off. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man, Pop Off Mountain. We're going to have to change the name to Pop-Off Mountain. Welcome to the show. Welcome to Glorators. All right, let's hit record. Hey, good warm-up, everyone.

Okay, I got a great question. This one's for Jeremy's out there. Why is Hanukkah often so closely associated with Judaism? This is my favorite one. I think this is my favorite one. This one is really, really strong. How is it associated with Judaism? It's often.

Nine times out of ten. These Jews love Hanukkah. I guess, okay, devil's advocate. It could be like an oil candle-based holiday, secular. Sure. No magic allowed. Yeah. This guy's watching-

Holiday for the candelabra enthusiasts. Yes, exactly. And just like miracles in general. They love eight days. We all love eight days. Yeah. And they're crazy nights. And they're crazy nights.

This guy watched the Adam Sandler song and was like, This guy's obsessed with Jews. It's kind of weird. He's a new character guy who does not know Adam Sandler is Jewish. He's kind of doing a lot of voices. He's kind of like Jew face. It's Sarah Silverman is the character. Okay.

Muslim Hanukkah. Is that anything? I'm shooting from the hip here. Can we get five minutes out of Muslim Hanukkah? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is it? uh i the thing is and this has come up multiple times in the show i have to learn one thing about islam to finish any of these riffs mark whipshit says considering it is a jewish all caps religious holiday who else would be associated with get them seriously it is a jewish holiday therefore me to me it is associated with judaism rather than any other group with whom it is not associated it's me i really i really want to know like who else this person thought this could have been associated with like in his mind like like he knew it was like somewhat associated with jewish people but like who else who else was he thinking odd future one night

of the wolf gang crew um yeah i don't know it's a good question maybe he just thought Hanukkah was just like a cool pre-Christmas holiday. Is it always pre-Christmas? You never slide around the back? I don't know. Hanukkah, you never slide. Hey, welcome to the podcast, Hanukkah. What's your body count?

The Jewish calendar is different from the normal calendar. The Goli calendar? Yeah, for lack of a better word. The normal-ass calendar. Okay, I didn't say it. So it shifts around a bit, but I don't know if it ever gets until like January. I don't know if it ever gets nasty like that. It was early this year.

i had a friend who did like thanksgiving and then two days later just got his family back together it was like we're just doing hanukkah now because we're already all at the same place just do it again run it back thanksgiving two is hanukkah now i should point out that that guy mark whipshits i clicked on his profile and he is a horrifyingly zionist dickhead i can't believe that's from three years ago he answered the the hanukkah question and now five million times a day he writes uh insane shit yeah dude he uh i'm assuming uh about how palestine should be free right like stuff like insanely like really good stuff yeah insanely dope ass shit on quora and he searches the word jewish exactly what he does he also has the same name as the fake doctor from

rugrats which is really where i got stuck yeah dr lip shits oh it's so fun which i think they it as a joke they didn't know you're gonna run into mark that way mark's gonna get you quora hey he doesn't mind uh i don't think there's any other answers here except people being like you fucking moron yeah and and you know sometimes they are troll questions yeah i feel like that one might be right like there there can't be someone out there that didn't didn't realize that hanukkah is like just like a jewish holiday the only reason i would maybe say it could be real is most of the troll questions are either aggressively fake

for some kind of content angle or are just like, what if I fucking fucked my mom? And I just don't see how you jack off to this. If this was a troll question, it would be like, my son thinks Hanukkah is Jewish. Should I stab him 4,000 times in the gut?

That would be a red flag. I'd be alerting a moderator. You're right. This one is too normal. Yeah. it could be a child too educational you ask me you know i was gonna ask what's like the the demographic of quora is it is it like a lot of older people is it younger people like by your guys's estimation what's what's the demographic here i find and jeremy tell me if

this is your analysis but that it goes um on the extremes of that where you have like if you're like a prime computer using age person you're probably on a normal social media website but But if you're very young or very old, you might be getting, like, deep into prose-creating Quora posts. Sure, yeah. Like, there are children and then, like— There's no, like, late 20s to, like, early 40s type people? Not as many. Like, for example, we know Orson Scott Card, the sci-fi author, is an active Quora user and is, like, on every day answering posts.

Yeah. If I get suspended on Twitter again, I'm just going to go to Quora. It's so much better. It's so much more fun than Twitter. not even close the number of times I've logged on to Quora then have felt like

bad about the world is that's right not often and there are terrible people on here don't get me wrong but it's just the format

it's just like Twitter it's exactly like Twitter I'll feel the exact same way the guy who asked this question is named Joshua Peter Velwa

and he has been banned I do not know why probably for being fake and cringe yeah that's probably why yeah it's me what's your address joshua peter bella are you hiding please i love that people put their addresses on this website

it's so funny to me they put like the city they live in where they went to school yeah where they work where they work is the most egregious one because like what if someone gets mad at you and then i know your work it's it's a you know more civilized society it kind of is yeah like here's where i am come find me i don't think hanukkah is real merry christmas by the way it is christmas morning. Okay, well, you were saying you wanted to learn more about Islam now? Yes! Alright, well, here's a great question for you. Is it haram for Muslims to make a snowman?

I say no! If it was up to me, I say no. I say let them out there. Let them have fun. Can they make the snowman into a living creature, though? If you made a snowman, then we're like, that's Muhammad. That would be haram. That's the one with the rules. The rule 34

of snowmen. um i don't know juniper do you have strong thoughts about the haram snowmen question uh not not beyond just don't don't make muhammad just that's i feel like you're safe i guess the only way to mess it up yeah yeah or i guess i feel like that's that can't be too hard i don't i don't know how people like people get crazy with ice sculpting i don't think people get too too nutty with it with uh snowmen crafting i think that's right you can't worship them as an idol which frosty does get into i would argue frosty is worshipped right he would not be haram he absolutely right i would worship frosty if i made a snowman that came to life i'd worship him

no this is what i'm saying is that worshiping an idol is haram and it's not halal it's not halal to worship frosty it's not halal to make frosty your god right frosty is does not get down that way he's just a regular ass guy he's just going to work frosty's so fucking funny don't even get me started on this but he like comes a lot he's born and then he's immediately like i gotta get on the bus he's where is he going with a top hat and a suitcase he's a cool guy he's got a hoppy hop right away he's got a hoppity hop hop down down he's gotta piss off that cop what happens to the frosty song hoppity hop hop hop look at frosty go he fights a cop he's He got lung cancer like two days into being alive with that pipe.

That's right. Yeah, it literally evaporates his chest. He keeps fire on him, and he's made of snow. This is the kind of balls-to-the-wall, snowballs-to-the-wall kind of character Frosty is. How are you not worshiping him? It's hard! He's so cool. It's a lure of temptation made by probably the devil itself.

That's right. I like this answer that says it is haram not to report such questions as they are a general annoyance to Quora community and the person who asks this question is an awful waste of oxygen go kill yourself holy shit

welcome to Quora seriously oh lord I'm gonna give him an upvote that's baller that's fucking awesome ain't nothing about snowmen in the Quran southern muslim character. Ain't nothing haram about that, brother. Just a snow

man. Just a big guy. I kind of want to do Godzilla again. It's too long. It's very loud, dude. It's too long. It's too loud. We're not doing it. It's Godzilla season, though. It is. We just saw the movie. Oh, I saw it. The movie was so good. The minus one. It rocked.

It's so good. They have one of the top Godzilla blasts of all time in it. Spoilers for Godzilla one but there's a blast for the first time godzilla does appear it's quite a handful um most people are saying no you can make a uh although someone does say idolry is forbidden yeah i read all the answers though is making an idol like just like a little fun little treat like making a little snowman is that really making an idol i think you're right if you make a golden calf as a lark is that a problem what if you're just like papa's mountain

and someone ordered it i just think it's a cool looking calf i just think this calf rocks i just like that it's gold i want to hold my keys or something i don't know what the i don't know the utilitarian use of the calf i can't see it i gotta see it first maybe it's a chair all right i got more questions what if you just want like a dope decoration right yeah there's no there's no religious there's no worship you just it just brightens up the room yeah it puts a smile on your face hang hats on it what's his next question jeremy if santa claus did exist do you think due to stress that he would have an affair with a sexy elf yes next question um okay i mean he's been alive for how long like 2 000 years come on yeah you got you have to get bored

after a while after like a couple hundred years right standard morality does not apply to timeless beings it's like they don't live in a human this is like he's human in a loose way and that he's the form of a human but he's like basically a vampire yeah he's a vampire they suck and they fuck they suck and they fuck and they do it till they're dead this sounds like his pitch to mrs Claus. I gotta suck and fuck, Mrs. Claus. You know Santa has to fuck.

He calls her Mrs. Claus. He's that kind of motherfucker. So I did the elves. Seinfeld Santa. Santa Claus wants to open up the relationship. Let's get my friend Beyonce involved.

This is Santa. He's on Raya. He's not like getting some regular girl. Imagine you're swiping on Raya and you see Santa Claus looking for a third. Yeah, you're going to say no to that? You know we got a present for you.

You know we're going to ask what it is. Click on his picture. Click on the lurid Santa photos. Here's Santa with a tiger. Neither of us have been on a dating app. We don't know shit about this.

there's no polls to do we married as children if santa fucked an elf i do think that there would be age gap discourse online uh i do think that would happen well i mean it would have to get out and he is kind of like a powerful man protected by the industry yeah he does have a there is a power imbalance he is their boss yeah he's represented by dave becky he is represented by dave becky you're probably getting a phone call if you try to come come open with uh come clear about santa he ruined the the careers of several elves who tried to out santa claus which is tough because elves don't have other job opportunities they don't have job opportunities they don't own any stake in the north pole and really like they just go to that like

misfit island like they they are just excommunicated like napoleon style they have to learn english to read the news it's a really sub dom relationship with santa being the Dom. Oh, yeah. As he is your employer. Yeah. Well, I hope that's cleared this up. What do the answers say?

Basically what we said. Okay. That's a picture of a Lambo or something? There's three answers. Santa Claus is married to Mrs. Claus. It's wrong to think you would ever cheat on her. Besides, elves are a different species, and they are tiny. Yeah, Santa is not human.

So what? Yeah. Ring the bell. It's a bestiality answer on Coriators. We've finally discussed it. Do we have a bestiality? yeah there you go also we put the cow back right did we i don't think we don't know where i don't know where i fucking put the cow i don't think it's back hey the inception sound there it is

cool uh one guy says are you suggesting that mrs claus wouldn't put out that's a good question maybe mrs claus no one has said that is so good at having sex at santa claus even in thousands of years would never even consider fucking a second elf. She's a real chicken head. What? You know she's going to town down there.

Town being Christmas town. There's a lot of time to like master the craft, I suppose. Absolutely. That's a good counter to our theory, I think. That's a good counter. I expect them to both be. I didn't consider that. Yeah, kind of masters of pleasure.

yeah what does mrs claus do all year she fucks santa claus it's kind of implied that's all we know that she does santa claus can change the size and shape of his body to fit into chimneys oh for real so who knows what he's doing you know the grinch lore but you don't know the mrs claus lore the grinch has more clear lore everyone has a general understanding of what the Grinch does. J.R.R. Tolkien's take on the Grinch is an important text for Alex. I don't see any other...

Oh, there's one other comment. That's one of the three chief health and safety protocols in the Santa manual. Okay. Very funny. Ha ha. Ha ha. This is all a joke to you, Adam Farid. What if he did it? Call his ass out. What if he had sex with a sexy elf?

Okay, similar question here. What if you caught Mommy kissing Santa Claus and then she told you he was your father? I'd be surprised. Objectively true. I'd be plum astonished. Very little about me feels Santa-esque in a way where I'd have that feeling.

Santa must be my father. Mom probably fucked Santa. Sure, you're looking at pictures of him and you're like, why does he look like me? I have this roly-poly jolly look that can't quite be placed in my line. rosy cheeks bellowing laugh urge to create toys oh you give gifts i do love giving gifts you do do you like to give babe let's ask the chat do you like giving gifts

take it or leave it do you remember i love giving gifts your father's the reason for the season you might be santa coded maybe my father's santa claus it's very possible you should ask your mom I'm going to call her after this It just seems unlikely Like if Santa was going around Making bastards And that's what we're talking about We would have heard of it by now

John Cole That's what we don't see when he goes in the chimney It would just be John Snow that's the sad thing It would just be John Snow A bastard can never run the North Pole i like uh one answer from eugene bowski just says you cheated on daddy come on now that's daddy that's too real and who is daddy but santa claus and congratulations

eugene on your phd from wassau university congratulations merry christmas as well it's christmas morning uh let's get on the next one here okay we have there's so much more jolly times to go we have two more questions there's roughly two more jolly times which character wins in a fight santa claus or the easter bunny okay see this is a quora question yeah this is a classic this is what you expect when you go on who would win in a fight is this is this it's yeah they just want to do like those old like mario versus like sonic videos that type of shit that's they want here we did a whole master chief episode and there were many more answers uh questions we did not get around to of who master chief could fight oh fuck yeah um but between the easter

bunny what are the powers of the easter bunny he's a bunny he can hide things eggs sure can talk i think can the easter bunny talk yeah yeah it's not really clear that's an interesting also uh power by self-esteem yeah it's kind of a power that's the thing though here's the difference between santa claus and the easter bunny we're questioning if the easter bunny can talk santa claus is fucking eternal come on yeah there's no question here we're questioning whether santa claus is our father yeah um yeah the easter bunny so his one skill that i know of is that they hide eggs. They hide chocolate eggs around a garden,

around your house. Oh, good job. And so most charitably, you could say that they have the same skill set as Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid in their ability to hide objects. And if that is the case, that could put up a hell of a fight for Santa Claus,

who is, again, not human, a magical being, and has the ability to body morph. So I'm going to go ahead and give this one Hands down to Santa Claus Yeah this is like the most clear fight Out there It's a bloodbath

He's just murdering him Blood in the snow Our Santa impressions all over the god damn place We're doing fucking Captain Crunch again Santa and Captain Crunch voice I'm going to the same shelf I'm pulling them off the same shelf And the SNL announcer that we just go to all the time

is the same voice for all of them. Absolutely. Well, yeah. I think I heard... When you hear the SNL announcer, you're like, that's Santa. Yeah. That's pretty much who Santa is.

This guy wrote... He's brought me topical sketches again. This guy wrote an answer that is... I counted 1,082 words. Let's go. Oh, no. Holy shit. I don't know if we want to read all of that.

That's two pages double-spaced? Before I begin... I haven't been in school in a while. John Doe commented on this question several years ago. I believe it's... Oh, who cares? It's obvious to many that Santa is physically inferior to the Easter Bunny in a one-on-one fight and would be clobbered. Not obvious.

However, we often fail to realize Santa's assets and other factors. First off, we need to talk about CAS, complete air superiority. The Easter Bunny cannot fly. I don't think anyone would try and argue this point. Santa has a supernatural sleigh with enough strength to carry a morbidly obese man and literally every Christmas present. Why'd you have to dunk on Santa? He's not morbidly obese. I feel like the every Christmas present thing is more relevant.

That's like a stray towards him. He did not deserve that. We have a sleigh big enough to carry a real fat piece of shit. To top it off, even if the Easter Bunny has a jet fighter or an anti-aircraft gun, we forget about Christmas miracles. santa was shot down once for violating turkish airspace what that was in some movie really yeah i watched for pod damn one time welcome to crack.com welcome to crack.com over the fact santa was shot down over turkey for jolly crimes all right i'm gonna move on a little bit because he basically betrayed an elf or something isn't that kurt russell uh netflix santa vehicle a few

years ago i haven't seen it it's it's sucked ass um this guy his argument is basically that santa would win because he has weapons and all this other stuff but but i want to use magic a little bit yeah um firstly to my knowledge unlike saint nicholas we don't have any a geographical location to the bunny just a vague idea that he's usually in forest the bunny however definitely knows where santa lives the north pole it's not like santa can just teleport his industrial complex to canada or something sure do they have any info on this bunny that is the part i'm most interested yeah What are the bunny's powers? I still don't fucking know.

I'd like some background on the bunny, please. This is a terrible answer, because he's saying the bunny can run for Prime Minister of the United Kingdom? Well, that's a law. I don't think that's true. He could run, but would he win? Not against the Labour Party. They have it

locked down over there. I don't think that's even true, is it? They have it locked down, Jeremy. I think they're, like, doing better, but, like, not because they're good, I think. That's, like, what I remember. Well, here's what they could do. It's because the Tories suck that much. Right, I feel like they're stuck in a similar, like, two-party dominance situation where the Easter Bunny, like, I guess, runs as a green.

I don't know. I was like, is it Lib Dem or green? I don't know where he's based, like, in Essex or something. I don't know. In bloody Leeds. All right, enough of that dumb fucking 1,000-word answer. What, Liverpool? I'm not done with this.

Okay. Now, we could name more places in the UK. Yeah, we can definitely name more English places, such as Wessex. You were physically getting sick to name English cities. It was like Tiny Tim at the beginning of A Christmas Story. What's happening at this end? You know everything about the Grinch.

none of the areas of the uk um i don't know that's enough of that that's enough of that that one sucks oh this guy says easter bunny no contest okay but i say yes if i'm to accept that i need to know the abilities i need to know one goddamn thing about him besides that he's a buddy abilities um he says the bunny hides eggs it doesn't tell us much except that maybe he's faster because while santa drops off toys the easter bunny actually hides them all in one day um jeremy i never say this but just because it's christmas can we go to the heroes wiki and see if the easter bunny's on there just very quickly like not spending any time on it but we're on heroes.wiki hero.fandom.com which has all of the heroes where do i search on and it is to believe

that the easter bunny is not a villain so it's probably on here okay we have the easter bunny Folklore, and the Easter Bunny, Hanna-Barbera. Folklore. It just looks like a rabbit. Power slash skills, magic, super speed, infinite stamina, omnipotence, omnipotence, artistic skills, and craftsmanship.

Some of those are pretty good. Goals reward people in Easter. Omnipotence is strong. Family, Mrs. Easter Bunny, parenthesis wife. Excuse me! I have never heard of this character. Mrs. Easter Bunny? I don't think that's real.

I didn't know it was a male bunny. Well, I don't know. Severe lack of info about this dude. Well, here you go. Full name, Peter Cottontail. That's not an ability. Peter Cottontail. I have a name.

Occupation Egg Dealer, which makes it sound like a drug. I don't trust any of the info on here, because I think Peter Cottontail is like a whole different scenario, and they're just conflating rabbits. they're doing ignorance towards rabbits and they're just getting everything wrong let's do our last question

I'm sorry about all that everybody sorry I got so fucking pissed off all the fucking time we're going back to the Grinch for our final question so mad all the time atheists if the Grinch stole all of your Christmas gifts and would only give them back if you renounce atheism forever

would you do it yes that's what it takes that's what I have to do I can't lose my presence. I want a steam deck. Would you do it, Juniper? You renouncing atheism for the Grinch?

Would I renounce atheism for treats? For a little materialism? No. No, absolutely not. That's based. I told you, I have the Maoist family to keep in line. I can't lose it. I think that's smart.

Yeah! I was trying to hit that a little, John. I like the American flag. The American flag song. Why do I sing American flag song? Yeah, I love American flag song. I'm so dumb today. When that American flag song hits, it is five in the morning.

And it's also Christmas morning. Merry Christmas. And also Merry Christmas to all of our wonderful child listeners who are running down to the tree. Oh, a new podcast. Content just like every other Monday. It comes out at 6 so I can listen on the way to work I hope they're not working on Christmas morning I hope they're not working on Christmas morning

Anyway yeah I'd give up I'd renounce atheism for my treats I don't care I'll do what I have to We're fake atheists That's all it takes Yeah we're not real like that Yeah

We're fake and And we're clout chasers, and we're cringe as well. And sus. I get it. You just want the Grinch to like you. I get it. I really do. Honestly.

I'm trying to get the Grinch to let me work on his pilot. I like that he's evil. Yeah, you got to get the Grinch clout. I really need it. Everybody knows his name. I just love to say it. Mr. Grinch. When people bring up the Grinch, I just want to be like, I actually am friends with him.

He actually- I know that guy. We used to go to Mike's. We used to Mike all the time. Yeah, I used to do his mic, actually. It was me. It was Adam Conover. Rachel said it.

It was the Grinch. These are great jokes. New York was crazy back then. Two open mics in New York City. Ten years ago. All right. Well, Alan Cherry says, sure, but I'd be lying. I don't think that's right.

Shut up, Alan Cherry. Alan, where do you work? I'm coming over. He says he works for a large grocery store chain. That doesn't clear anything up, Alan. Good move You win this round Well done, Alan

Happy New Year to you, Alan And also Merry Christmas, Alan There's a war on Christmas How did I not search the words War on Christmas and Decora That seems like a huge misplay There could have been some gems in there Damn, do we want to take the time?

No, it's alright Finding them is such an endeavor There's nothing good it's just like is there a war on christmas the answer is yes there is yes we're all going to war atheists are thinking about attacking the trees you've been drafted see i think that post like what was like a was was like a plant like not like now i can only think about attacking trees i'm gonna see a christmas tree i'm gonna go to my family's events and i'm gonna want to assault a tree i think you should i got it's on site tree

was yeah the only other people who have like the right idea about trees are cats who are relentlessly knocking those things down yeah they literally are jumping into them all the time oh you at you put christmas tree into the chorus search it's all like is this gonna kill my cat is this gonna fall on my cat and kill my cat can my cat eat a whole tree that's why they don't like them is it a problem if my cat throws up a whole tree and that's a fun cat based humor for our and that's just a perfect ending to the show isn't it okay yeah let's ask a question juniper do you have a question you'd like to ask quora.com um what's your favorite war crime oh that's a great one wow hot out the gate with that that was good what is your favorite i just i always have

that little that little uh question just tucked away whenever i need it do you have a favorite war crime i don't um i just love asking people that if i have the opportunity probably when Because everyone takes their freaking clothes off. I'm now going to tag our friend Jordan Peterson. If I had to pick one, like, they're all bad. Don't be mad at me. But, like, that one, I guess that's my favorite. All right.

Fuck you. This has been Quarators. I played the song too early, so I'm sorry about that. Juniper, thank you so much for coming on. Where can our listeners find you at home and abroad? For right now, I guess. Yeah, for now. It could change very quickly.

um but but the reliable places to find me uh you can find me on blue sky um at june l per so it's a j-u-n-l-p-e-r uh you can listen to me on my podcast western kabuki it's like on every uh streaming service um netflix i am technically right now um called my ad is can't ever die but that that probably will get suspended i'm a fugitive that's what we call hubris seven accounts it's it's basically if if elon sees me he's gonna fire he's gonna shoot a shot at me so juniper is like a christmas tree to elon that's right that's right it's a good callback thank you for saying so and it is christmas which means my kickstarter has one more week is it done already did we make it i hope so if not go to kickstarter.com slash the link is in

the bio there i'm not for money we're not asking for much people just today's top audio stories look for the link for theater of delight season six and i've got nothing to promote merry christmas merry christmas and we'll see you next week for new year's it's signed up for us bye