Quorators - Why Did JFK's Casket Stay Closed? w/ Django Gold

Episode Date: March 26, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Why did humans willingly mate with neanderthals when they were such dumb, brutish, and ugly creatures? Is it true that gingers (redheads) bleed more than other people? How much fecal matter is held in the human body? ---- Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@quorators Come to Django's special taping on May 13th at The Gutter in Brooklyn https://www.eventbrite.com/e/cysk-presents-django-gold-special-taping-tickets-594248963647

I'm not going to get this rain sounds. Welcome to Quarators, the podcast for relaxing while you're at work. You legitimately have to turn this off because people do get illegally in trouble for leaving stuff like this on. It says, if you use this on your podcast, I will hunt you down and kill you. It doesn't say anything like that. It doesn't say anything like that. Sometimes they say stuff like that.

What's some jazz nerd going to do to two strapping young lads? What are you going to do? You're a goddamn cellist. Django immediately counting himself out of this equation. Brother, I'm not in the production. It was his idea. Yeah, yeah. We were looking to hire you as a bodyguard.

Muscle. Somewhat of the hired hand. Yeah. All right. Well, with no further ado, it's time to skidoo. go off wow go off queen it's core raiders for another week with your hosts alex and jeremy i'm alex hey how's it going i'm jeremy what the fuck is up not much this is the podcast where we read quoras and we ask ourselves and you and anyone who will listen we say what is quora

yeah we're we're trying to figure it out it's an informational podcast it's not comedic People are really interested in the website. If you found this program, you did it under iTunes in the education section, where we are ranked some really high number, I'm sure. You're ignoring all the reviews that say, this doesn't teach you what Quora is. These guys knew nothing about swimming in clothes. Well, we're here to learn every week,

and we have one of the top students of knowledge in all of New York City. How am I going to teach people as a student, Alex? We have one of the top ignoramuses here to bestow his lack of knowledge. What is a TA but a student teacher? Well, just call me a TA then. Fucking shit. We got a great guest for you. Start over, play a song again.

Here comes the TA. TA time. uh we're we're here at quora university with our special guest we're at quora satellite uh academy where you will be getting online credit and your check check will be deposited at the earliest convenience you can get a degree in this podcast and it will not get you any work yeah it costs sixty thousand dollars every six months and we will be collecting that and jango gold is here Hello. Hi, everyone.

Hi. Hello, pupils. Welcome to my house. Thanks, man. It's a nice home. You've got a lot of nice furnishings. Thanks. I did none of it.

I know. Do you like this cat? Yeah. Is he in frame? Sort of. You can kind of see the cat this week. No offense, but I've seen better. Come on.

Boo. Boo. Why do I not have a boo in this house? Yeah, get the soundboard going. Oh, my God. I'm a psychic. Oh, my God. I mean, I don't want to support what he's doing.

I should be upgraded to teacher. Oh, wait. No, he doesn't like the cat. Objection! Objection. There it is. Do we still have the waffles theme? Yeah, I got the waffles theme, which is apparently from Fire Emblem Awakening.

Which is what I said. I feel like I called that. Multiple banks. Yeah. That's a pretty nice setup you guys got. Thanks. I get the sounds wrong kind of a lot, but I wear a lot of hats over here. Which is something you got to do over on Quora.

Isn't that right, Jeremy? Yeah. No, not really. Well, all right. Never mind. Do you guys have the IP cleared for that? Yeah. We own the rights to that sock.

Alex made Fire Emblem. I said, why not a weapons triangle? Was Fire Emblem? It's a video game. It's a video game where anime children are a little bit sexy. Yeah. One of those animes. Right.

They wear pants that fit just right. You know what? And not the most recent, but the second most recent Fire Emblem, you play as a teacher who can romance his students. Well, he's sort of a student teacher, isn't he, Jeremy? Not to tie this all seamlessly back together, but he's also taking classes. Yeah, that's true. So, Django, you're a man about town.

Absolutely. Have you been on Quora? Yes. Oh, great. Ignore that. Me too. Ignore that uncertain pause. Absolutely.

Yeah, it's a really good website. But the thing about it is it gets better and better every week. Yeah, because more articles and answers are added, exponentially increasing the vat of human knowledge. Yeah. Right. It's growth is what it is. It's exponential growth. Like a beehive.

And the way we start the show. Yes. This is our one segment. Our one and only segment is at the end of the show, we ask a question. At the beginning of the show, we see what the internet said. this is our biggest question yet so normally we get zero to three answers hold on i definitely got a sound for this this week we have 17 answers that's more than we've ever had before it's a lot 17 answers to one question yeah yeah normally they're all correct yes cool yeah yeah they're

all correct uh we get usually a lot of people who listen to the show then go and kind of try to ruin us in a public setting by answering the questions, which if you must do again, as we say every week, be sure to use the words scrambled eggs. That way we will know you are an inside operator with scrambled eggs. Wink, wink to avoid

the Stassi. Code word. We want to know the real Quora heads. We want to hear from our listeners, but we want to know who's legit. And we do hope to have listeners who are Quora heads, but at the same time, if you are listening to the show, you are a fraud and a liar. Well, it would be like if Steve

Irwin found a Stingray and then he realized that the Stingray was just his buddy. Yeah, the Stingray works for the lighting department. And is like, oh, look at me. I'm just swimming apart. You'd be mad. The Stingray has an accent? He works for Steve Irwin. Sure, sure. Hey, buddy.

If you want to get hired, you know what you gotta do. He's pathetic. Make with a yappy yap. Look, this has got to come out tomorrow and we need a Stingray. Yeah, it's also, it probably hurts to be reduced to your species like that. Yeah. Just be like, I'm more than a stingray.

I'm Earl or whatever. Sure. Anyway, what's our fucking question? No, keep going with the stingray bet. It was gaining its legs. Gaining its legs? It's a bloody stingray, mate. There you go.

Our question is, I live in New York City and I don't want to get a gun. Should I get a war hammer to defend my home from intruders? And the obvious answer is yes. Yes, you should. Jango, how big is your Warhammer that you have to defend? Well, I have the one in the car, which is more of like a personal model. But we're talking about my Excelsior Warhammer I keep by my front door to ward off intruders. That one, I would say, is eight hands high.

Eight hands high! Yeah, eight hands. That's a two-handed weapon, at least, then. You are not one-handed. Oh, it's a hammer for war. Yeah. You're not going to nail something with that. Smart-ass troll tries to come in my shit.

Yeah, I got to have the double-handed blunt weapon. And I don't know if this is just cancel culture and everybody gets a trophy mentality, but I feel like this day and age, people assume that they could take a hit with a Warhammer and be relatively okay. That is not the case. No. I don't think so. Despite all these cartoons where Bugs Bunny gets walloped with a fucking Viking battle axe,

that actually would harm you. Well, because I am a child, I have started watching One Piece in the last week, and I've already seen somebody be hit with a warhammer and walk it off in a way that made me just want to shut the programmer off right there. Wow. That was not realistic. At this point, it's not even worth seeing all the naked children. That's not the kind of show this is. I'm sorry. One Piece?

That's the film with their pirates, right? Yeah. I mean, they're not naked. They don't even look like people on that show. It looks like fucking gummies. It's a thousand years old. The naked children on most anime don't look like people. They always have elf ears and shit.

Like, oh, that's fine. It's an elf. It's not illegal to be a child elf, is it? It's a beautiful body of a child elf. Technically, this one is 100 years old, so there's nothing wrong with me. I was raised right. Answer me this. If it was a human 14-year-old, why is it so stacked?

There you go. Okay. What was the question? Guns or something? Warhammer. All right. In New York, should I get a Warhammer? What's the answers?

Okay. Richard Donat says, yeah, go get yourself a Warhammer. Learn how to fight at close quarters and prepare to get cut, idiot. What the fuck? He is mad. He doesn't sound like he cares about the well-being of the questioner. Yeah, he doesn't really like it. People do get really quite terse with you on this website.

A lot of people are upset about the close quarters aspect of it, and I guess they're assuming the New York City apartments are quite small. They are. That's why you got to pull into these moves, though. Yeah, you check them. Create distance with like a hockey stick. Stick check. Yeah, that's smart.

Stick check. Warhammer check. Yeah. Yeah, this is, again, this is a more anime discussion, a recurring theme in the show Goblin Slayer. He just has a little sword so he can go in the goblin's tunnels. And I think these people are saying, well, if you swing your warhammer, they're going to get you with their pointy little knives.

And what is a New York City apartment if not a goblin tunnel? yeah we live like goblins do i share my room with three goblins look i have three goblins that does sound like how uh middle-aged men refer to their children yeah old goblins are acting up gotta feed the goblins yeah i want my gold slay the goblins yeah how much i'm paying for these goblins education i went to like a fancy grocery store by my apartment recently because the one by me was closed and when i was checking checking out, the guy next to me was like a guy in a suit with a young daughter and he literally was

like, this little grocery strip cost daddy $100 to like his daughter. So the child is like, how much do things cost? That doesn't seem right. I think children should know about inflation at an early age. Yeah. Absolutely.

All right. More Warhammer discussion, please. Anna Southerington says, do you know how to use one? If not, then no. Also, being a polearm, a Warhammer is not really suited for this sort of close quarters work if you're doing it in an NYC apartment. You swing a big hammer.

Yeah, you'll pick it right up. It's not like a freaking spear or something. Well, that's a great... This guy says a spear is good, too. Oh, a spear would be way better, but you do have to learn how to use one. He said you would really need some training to make good use of one of those.

You should probably go with something simpler and better suited for use of that range, like maybe a bill or giz arm. there's a lot of value in being able to keep someone at a distance from you if you don't want to get hurt what scenarios are these people envisioning like I guess they're probably

thinking like a mugger a thug breaks into your home and your giz arm is by the bed what is a giz arm? I would love to explain to a jury of my peers why I had to disembowel a young man with my giz arm

what is a giz arm? it's slang i'm gonna look it up it's playing for a good arm um i'm looking it up giz arm oh my god that is not how i would have guessed you smell giz arm uh it's like a it's like one of those like spears but it has like a really fancy end on yeah it's a spear is like i'm not like other spears it's like a pike yeah or yeah halbert yeah you know those like weapons you see and you're like i'm not gonna use that no way yeah i mean i pick halberd every time because i'm different like that cool but uh yeah again i just feel like

legally it's a lot harder to i mean warhammer already is pretty bad but it is like an extension of something people know about which is hammers whereas like a spear is like why are you living i think i think you know not not to go back to the tiny new york apartment thing a spear is six feet long a warhammer is like four feet long or something like that like i feel like you want something you know even nunchaku or something like that and i did say last week you shouldn't get nunchaku but all right so look at this front hallway that is off camera but could you imagine swinging anything shoulder length well that's interesting because if you have a spear you can you're like the fucking spartans in 300 yeah they could have a hundred guys going down that hallway

but two guys you can defend this living room against the entire roman legion or whatever you I do need a full-length shield to go with it. Yeah, well, I think that's a good one. Covering neck to thigh. You and your two buddies go Phalanx Formation. Park Slope remains. I think that's a good idea. I think it's a great idea.

And you know what I'm discovering is the number of medieval weapons analysts on the website make this a go-to question. This guy does say that you should act like a Roman legionnaire. Yeah. With a javelin, gladius, and shield. Because of the Goblin Tunnel we live in. Yeah, I think that's actually a good point. This is the smartest one we've done. I think you should get a big spear and one of those neck-high shields.

Yeah, because they have that whole thing in 300. So how much money are you guys prepared to spend on your self-defense? A lot of these things you can't buy off the rack. You can't get that? Even a big Home Depot is not a good idea. I'm going to Men's Warehouse. I'm going to Dick's Sporting. You're going to have to get one of those Forged in Fire guys to craft an old radiator.

something. Warhammer, it will kill you. I love that show. Yeah, it's pretty good. Check it out. Forge and Fire. Can we get that guy on here? Forge and Fire, come on the show. We'd love to ask you about if you should punish your son for going on the internet.

Alright, let's do one more. None of these are scrambled eggs? A few of them are. I'm skipping them, but thank you for the scrambled egg answers. Thank you. Jeremy loves to read them. They make him smile. They do make me happy. Alex is kind of the bad cop in this situation. Yeah, they make me pissed off.

You're lucky I don't kill you. One guy says a good baseball bat would be about as effective as a Warhammer, but no easier to obtain. See, I don't want to dispute these experts, but I think I could get a baseball bat in like

10 minutes right now. A Warhammer would require hours online and shipping delays. I think that's what he's saying, though. I mean, the baseball bat is. That must be a typo or something. He's clearly reversing the answer in his head. He's just typing so fast because he's so angry.

He's so excited. Hey, dipshit. Listen, fucker. You fool. Yeah. He says, for use in a confined space like a house, I think a shortcut and thrust sword like a cutlass would be a better option.

Cutlass. Easier to find than a gladius. If I'm saying that wrong, I'm sorry. Go to the Smithsonian and rob the General Grand. Get yourself a dinosaur's bone and use that. A bad idea. You go to the Museum of Natural History. Yeah.

Producer Waffles now fully involved in the show. Producer Waffles is producing the show. I like when animals or when pets get food names. I think that's charming. It is charming, and he's a bit of a cut-up. Yeah. But he is also a bit of a problem, because as we've discussed before,

he will knock out your headphones. Yeah. All right. I'm done with this now. Okay. I decided to purchase one. Let me read this one answer from a listener, because I think it's funny, from Tobias Franklin.

and in my experience, the pen is mightier than the sword. I have fought off many intruders with battles of wit. I make sure to always eat a big breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast in order to keep my mind fit and ready for battle. There you go. That's true. Up Cora for you, good sir. Sharp minds.

The pen is what wins the game. One guy says, you go right ahead and do just that. Just don't act surprised when they shoot your dumb ass. This isn't the Avengers. Again, in New York, the issue is how hard it is to get the gun. And maybe I just want to be shot. Have you considered that? Thank you, Waffles.

You're doing exactly what I was warning the room about moments ago. And he's trying to eat the eclair I got Django. The guest donut. The guest eclair. Sacred guest eclair. And drinking my water. Is this an eclair or is it like a long john? What's a long john?

Well, eclair has filling in it. Yeah, it's an eclair. Oh, okay. Awesome. I'm probably only going to eat half of this. But I'll warn you. It's long. It is long, man.

It's long, John. Yeah, it's very lucrative to be a guest on this show. Where did you get this donut? Seventh Avenue Donuts. Don't give up your sources so easily. You can torture me if you have to. I'm hoping that we'll get to a point where I am having people try to find and kill me on the internet. Oh, I see.

We have revealed so much. You're taking a half mile radius around Stephen's Donuts or whatever. Yeah, they can start checking off blocks. Steven's Donuts, good riff. Steven's Donuts. I suck at coming up with proper noun riffs. If I ever need to come up with a name, it's always like, oh, Koushton.

I can come up with other things, and for some reason, things like that are just impossible for me. I thought of a good American Ellis Island name yesterday for this joke I do on the spot, and it was Christopher Mortgage. That's pretty good. What if you were a young man named Christopher Mortgage? Pretty good. So.

If you're out there. To the listeners, help yourself to that. Well, we have something pretty exciting to share on the show this week, and that is an exciting new Quora space. Now, we've done this on the show before. We found beautiful women images. We found Ask Australians Anything. We found swimming with clothes on.

Yeah, but we have a new Quora space, and this is from The Schmism. Right, listener TheSchmism wrote in with his Quora space. If you have a Quora space that we should read the things in the space, hit that button and send us an email, quorators at gmail.com. Anyway, this is from the Quora community. We love drugs. We love drugs. The premise of the space are doing drugs and posting about how much fun it is.

If you go to welovedrugs. Sorry, we still. Wait, what? We stilllovedrugs.quora.com. Cat's going off over there. Yeah, ignore the cat. He's going to eat that leaf. He's going to throw up.

But here's the thing is there are two directions We Love Drugs could go in. Take a picture of him for the YouTubers. And that is a bunch of really cool guys who do drugs, and actually you're intimidated by how cool they are. And then people who are ruining their lives with drugs. And wouldn't you know, a lot of times the second one is pretty funny. I appreciate their enthusiasm for drugs. Yeah.

So let's get this one up. Okay, this is from Chef Doc. Sure. He's posted a photo of himself, a selfie. Which, is it rude to put that on the thing? Because he did put it on Quora. It is an interesting photo. I mean, the photo's doing a lot of the work of what is good about this.

Oh, I see. So this is mocking a drug addict. Is that what we're doing? Yeah. Got it. We're just discussing the space. I don't think it's like, obviously, if people are struggling with drugs, That's bad, but it's funny to go to the welovedrugs.quora.com

and be like, I don't fucking love drugs. Yeah, I don't think this guy regrets it. Anyway, what's the post? It says, after four days and two solid days of running a chainsaw, this is what I look like. Four days and two solid days. Before you ask, yes, I felt exactly how I looked. I had just seen a shadow figure that was dancing.

I was actually laughing at it. After 12 hours of sleep, I'm back to my usual self. What is a chainsaw? Is that a slang? No, I think it's a chainsaw. I don't know. I don't think. All right, so I've read a few of the posts on here, and they are mostly people talking about doing crystal meth

and then doing activities for extended periods of time. So I think when you do the crystal meth, which I have not done, you need something to go with it, like give a mouse a cookie situation. Someone did say I need some yard work done, and he said I was so tired on the first evening that I couldn't lift the weight of the saw to cut the next piece. Yeah, no, I think it's a chainsaw. It's all slang, man.

These are all sick little words that we insiders use to give each other a wink. Now, I was not raised in a... I was working for my timber company. I was not raised in a city, but I think a chainsaw is a chainsaw. I don't think it's a Cockney street talk. Yeah, I think that's pretty dope. I like that he's enjoying crystal meth so much. you see so much negativity about crystal meth that some publicity from the other side is pretty

educational in its own way this guy posts most days on the we love drugs he has posted 500 posts well he has a lot of energy yeah i guess that's the secret to staying young is just doing a lot of crystal meth yeah it's great for your skin uh he does say on his profile anything uppers so i think that's going to dramatically improve your posts i know i don't really have the driver energy to make tweets unless i am uh drinking a lot of coffee or taking adderall which is pretty much a stone's throw from crystal meth so it's really adderall is like speed right yes the like title on the bottle is amphetamine salts so like that's just like what hitler was doing in his bunker that's wild it's a big win for big pharma they were able to just market methamphetamine

Yeah, a rare win. To children. For big pharma. Good for them, man. You know, they dug deep. The underdog. A rare W. Yeah, if you're taking Adderall, you're pretty much Hitler,

and that's what I wanted to say. Yeah, there's really no difference. That's not the only thing they have in common, folks. So I thought that was a pretty good post because he's so positive about it, and it just seems pretty dope running a chainsaw for four days and two days. On January 4th, he posted, Who's up and about? What are you doing? I'm listening to music and waiting for my friends to get home.

That sounds nice. See, he's using Quora like Facebook, which I think is one of the better uses of the website. Yeah, like, what's the question of this? That's it. If you get into the communities, they're not all questions. Dear Quora, hi. Like that.

Yeah. It's my birthday. Yeah. All right, here's another one. Okay, this is from that guy, and his job is crack master. Up all night at the night before. Or get the call five minutes ago. Can you open today?

I really had to think about it. Do I go into work where I can actually make a few bucks or stay home and continue my research and quality control? Ah, what the hell. I'm going in. Now that's a euphemism. I can tell. No chainsaw bullshit there. I'd much rather continue this marathon of needless spending.

Oh, well. However, if I get out of the house, I'll definitely eat something and get some fresh air, take a break, let the day to run its course. Because tomorrow is day three. Oh, how I love day three. More at 11. And then there's the laugh emoji. And then he says, just say it. What I really like about this post is the dynamic of it is,

do I go back to the rat race or keep doing crack? It's also funny that he's asking this question to a community made up entirely of drug users. It's like, oh, after careful consideration, keep smoking crack. You know you want to hit that, Blake Boy. The tribunal has spoken. Work is for suckers. I like that he thinks of himself as a crack scientist.

Well, he thinks of himself as a crack master. to be boys in the lab aka crack house when you do crack are you capable are you like getting research done is it like i guess adderall again that thing where you just wake up how do you think we split the atom you know i've never known until now i think i found something interesting about this guy i think he ends every post with just saying dot dot dot i love that that's a sign off yeah that's it also his little uh persona is like a me uh me emoji it's a nintendo one nintendo me of himself of like heisenberg he's got a little fedora and a mustache he's really cool just saying uh what's the debate in the comments for people uh who's kind of like you know being like a nice

protective person says yikes get some rest darling the drugs will be waiting for you What a nice motherly Don't do all your drugs at once The drugs will be waiting in the morning, sweetie You have time for crack afterwards It's like an Aesop fable moral Eat your vegetables and then you can do meth The squirrel that did all his drugs at once

As opposed to the porcupine who had drugs for the entire week What did we learn from this, children? If you don't go to Starbucks, you won't have money to buy more crack All right. One more post from here. I don't feel like this is too mean. I think it has a positive spin on hard drug use, which is really unique. Luna the Gemini, a.k.a. Cat Sierra, says, I am spun as F right now.

Anyone else? Been doing some hot rails tonight. Parentheses, I lost count. Don't even know how many rails we have. That meth burns like a bee, too. Oof. Who says you can't have fun alone on a Tuesday night? These people are snorting crystal meth.

Yeah, I guess so. Well, they're hot rails. yeah i'm sure they're hot man i'm sure sure they're crackling what i like okay so the best part about this is so the post is pretty much like anybody else love hot rails and then the comments are all like here's how i keep them from burning yeah good advice community poll does anyone here like drugs and the answer is a water pipe as far as i can tell you smoke your uh crack or you do your rail out of out of a water pipe absolutely one of those like four chamber bongs yeah because you don't want your nose to fall off already laying that's why i was under the impression

that crystal meth is like hard like glass like crystals i feel like you wouldn't want to put that in your soft little nose tissue yeah and uh the nose really falls apart and i just feel like shooting anything makes it a million times more intense than breathing it in and as i must remind the listenership every week i am not legally a doctor i just say things with confidence which is almost the same thing all right i think we've made fun of these uh drug addicted quora users enough yes uh and so no disrespect to them but if you do find another good quora space please send it to us we would love to explore it with you here on the core raiders podcast um and if you're addicted to drugs seek out or don't or go to this website and see what community your peers has to

say about it i guess either seek help or find some friends who enjoy it as much as you do or get positive reinforcement from uh other people who've been awake for seven days all right this is our next segment uh his chorical teachings i think this is the button there you go there you go here on his chorical teachings we're looking into things from the past and we're saying what what the hell and stuff like that yeah we're learning about all sorts of things it's not always american that this what other sound would you use really for historical stuff book opening yeah that could be good it'd certainly be shorter creek i don't want to get sued by america so we're only going to play a little of that song okay

Well, this is a pretty simple question, I think. A little more wholesome than the last ones. Why did JFK's casket stay closed? Interesting. JFK referring to John F. Kennedy? Yes. The president? JFK Rowling.

That's a great character. Is that not on the internet yet? It is now. Just Boston Irish. Allow me to be clear. You're born a woman or you're not. Idiot, wake up, and you have beans in your chowder. Oh, you don't.

The only one thing to fear, reassignment surgery. Somebody's got to have already done this. I refuse to believe we've stumbled onto JFK Rowling. Lee Harvey Oswald's a Slytherin. How about that? That's so funny. What were we talking about? I would love to see the CIA kills JFK,

and they all reveal their tattoos to each other. That's good. I like that, too. Okay, so why does his casket stay closed? Now, from what I understand, this man is Catholic, and oftentimes you want to have your casket open so that your loved ones can see your face and how pretty you are. Now, the other thing I know about JFK is his head was, like, blown off.

That's where the giant cowboy hat comes into play. They just cut him from the neck up. Yeah, I think you just get a big old floppy cowboy hat. Something fun. Put it on the commander in chief. His head like exploded, right? Not spontaneously. Well, sure.

No one knows if there was a shot. It's unclear. The JFK conspiracy theorist who doesn't know what happened. People say he might have been shot. He was in the suicide squad. People prescribe to the one or more bullet theory. I think that guy with the shark head bit him. Just know he's dead and they don't know any details.

He was poisoned. Top theories are poison, house fire, old age. Carbon monoxide poisoning. He didn't have his thing up to date. Was it vaccines? Was JFK vaccinated? Too early to tell. I am afraid from learning too much from these answers,

but I assume that they're good. Sure. They are on Quora, after all. I have to imagine most people are going to say, because his head exploded. You'd think so. That's like the who wants to be a millionaire when they pull the crowd, you know?

There's always one, like, giant bar with a consensus. Head shot. Wow. You guys are ready for everything, man. What happened to JFK's head? Why can't I see his beautiful mug in the coffin? It exploded. B, nothing.

He's fine. C, poison? I don't know. I feel like testing your soundboard right now. Can I do that? Yeah, go for it. We don't have that many sounds. It sure is nice relaxing on this tropical island.

Naruto music. Bang. I really thought you were going to do the gunshot. Naruto takes place on an island. That's a stretch. Checkmate. Well, I only got 20 sounds, Jango. That's why it was a chess.

We have YouTube. I wanted to hear the steel drums and shit. Yeah, over a long enough period, I can get any sound. Well, you guys also get to edit this, so you can make it seem like you just nailed it. It's bulletproof. Yeah. We're on a beautiful island.

Ooh, I love that this doesn't have copyright. No copyright music. I'm a big fan of that. This is Island by Jericho. I will say this is kind of a loose interpretation. Yeah, this is really like, I don't really like it. Dance club on an island. Yeah, I'm not into it.

Coffee shop, Balearic Island. We didn't read about JFK's head at all, bro. It was Jackie's decision. It was his wife's decision is why. It's not really, I mean, you know, they did a professional job, but it looks like a JFK wax work, not the real man. His head exploded. Well, the top part of it.

I'm imagining they just, like, took a clay cylinder and jammed it in the hole there and were like, he's 90%. the president still has. I would just go to a Halloween store, buy a JFK mask, cut off the top part of that and latex it on. Yeah.

And I don't want to tell these guys how to do their job. Or just put the full mask on Point Break style. You guys seen Point Break? No, I've heard about it. Check it out. Really?

It's really good. I've heard it's great. It's really good. Big shout out for Point Break here. Yeah, so a lot of people are saying because he was shot in the head. The simple answer to this is half his head was blown off. Good.

People back in those days had little class. Excuse me? Oh, Lee Harvey Oswald. How gauche. Killing the president? Have some manners. This one guy says, well, his head was basically missing, so there's that. Hashtag SMFH, which I feel like is a little rude to be shaking your fucking head in response to this guy who has no head.

I thought the Quora community was supposed to be kind and supportive to each other. Yeah, what the fuck? This is a rare exception. It's not all we love drugs. Alright, let's do the next one. Be more like the drug ad community. There's not enough debate in this. Well, yeah, I mean, there's a pretty simple answer.

It's because he was poisoned. They didn't want people to know. Okay, this was sent in by Megan Masterman. Okay, thank you for sending it in. Masterman. Was Cleopatra actually ugly? now from what i've heard she was choice she was a dime she was a real babe

but unfortunately maybe she was ugly because in the past as we have covered in the show sometimes they're also fucking ugly sure yeah see that renaissance painters weren't very good at their jobs yeah yeah painters were i just don't trust painters to tell the truth thank you because they'll just paint whatever they want so they can jack off to it all painters are liars that was your only option back back in the day you had to spend three days doing an oil painting then you could crank it if it took me three days to do an oil painting i would want to have it be something that is beautiful at the end we are also surrounded by like beautiful paintings made by your wife that's true you can't see them on camera just know they're there that one i guess

you could see some of the wave to my left which my wife did not just uh in case anyone is wondering she is not a centuries old japanese painter alex is dating a 400 year old woman okay uh i'm kind of interested unless it's too educational and then i find today's beauty standards absolutely horrifying yes if you're wondering why just look around you what the fuck is that supposed to mean there are multiple examples walking around today thank you he gives me imposter syndrome because i'm sitting next to him on this hot show people are always commenting about how good looking alex and i are yeah certainly no one has said that we look like uh cartoon characters that are meant to be ugly wow your sweater is not gay that's a comment we

get a lot yep uh have you ever heard the phrase beauty is in the eye of the beholder well in today's society it has changed to beauty is in the eye of who society as a whole perceives as beautiful oh my that's fucking deep is that the same thing yeah uh i think so what is it beauty is in the eye in the eye of who society as a whole so they're saying like there's new beauty standards that we all have to cater to it used to be like you just got to be hot to your your wife or husband or whatever yeah but now the system is here to tell you if you love your wife or not the irs sends you like a form in the mail that says your wife is ugly yeah nice uggo you have at home i think cleopatra looked like kate upton and i will not be hearing otherwise

Is that good or bad? From what I've seen on app commercials, it's really good. Anyway, this guy's comment goes on for another 10,000 words. Yeah, we're not reading all that. That is not happening. And I was fired without cause. Does anyone else love doing Hot Rails? Yeah.

Well, there's the beautiful contradiction of the website. Half of the website is Hot Rails Guide, and the other one is like, I have a PhD in Cleopatra. Here's a lot of free labor I'm giving you. Helena says, Cleopatra was certainly not, quote, ugly, as in downright repulsive to look at.

She's a dog. But Plutarch writes that she was more famous for her charm and wit. Once again, Plutarch enters the conversation. How can we have to go by Plutarch's judgments? Dude, beauty is in the eye of whatever Plutarch says. So it's like a Plutarch judging our women. People don't even think for themselves nowadays.

They're always deferring to Plutarch. Okay. It does show a lot of busts. A lot of busts. A lot of pictures of her with a big nose, which I guess is like, you don't usually see her with that big of a nose. But I think it's kind of cool. She's pretty cool. Cleopatra, you're all right.

People are just looking at paintings of her and being like, eh, she's kind of hot. Would you? Would you do it with Cleopatra? Cleopatra, your curator's babe of the week. That is our new segment we need to get going. That's our second segment. We have two segments. One where we make a question and babe of the week.

Okay. Apparently she killed her own family for power, and I'm attracted to that. Yeah, this guy is saying that, yeah, that's literally this guy's argument is that she was very powerful, which made her attractive she's like the sasuke uchiha of ancient babes i'm always saying that i don't care what books you read or how many languages you speak if you aren't a great person people will know and it won't be sexy wait i'm sorry is this still cleopatra yeah i don't

understand that relevance of that neither do i i don't know how many books you read fuck you i don't know how many books you read but go to hell uh that's another one before we move on i I just want to say this, guys. Define ugly. Does it matter? She was probably not Wowie Kazowie based on descriptions. That's true. But she said to have a lovely voice.

Yeah, I think she's great. I think she's Wowie Kazowie. I think she's great. I'm learning so much about history right now. All right, do one more. Why did humans willingly mate with Neanderthals when they were such dumb, brutish, and ugly creatures? A lot of judgment. A lot of judgment in this one.

Also, this person is acting as if there's a huge difference between one micro-stage of development. It's not like it goes from Neanderthal to human. It's like Neanderthal to a slightly less protruding brown. The other thing, too, is Neanderthals are pretty much humans. They just have different shaped heads, and they're beautiful. Also, there are no more of them, so this could not have happened that many times.

I read the book Sapiens, and he claims that there were Neanderthals and Cro-Mags at the same time, and they fought each other. But then I spoke to someone who is a professional anthropologist, and she was like, that book's stupid. So now I don't know what to believe. But the guy who read it to me in my ears was an old man with a British accent, so it just felt so true. That's one of the smartest voices there is. It might be. Yeah, I think so. I also want to issue an apology for the tape.

It is not Sasuke Uchiha. It is Ikachi Uchiha. I have been wrong about this in a public forum before, and the repercussions are damning. This is the one thing where people get extremely mad at us about. I cannot take a hit like that again. Hopefully you take a few weeks off the podcast and learn. Alex will be taking a break and donating to the anime community.

You're putting waffles on, Mike. Yeah, so... Most of the answers here are just like, it probably was forceful. But then a lot of other answers are like, how dare you say that Neanderthals were, quote, dumb or ugly? Ugly is in the eye of the beholder. Has anyone ever even heard of this happening? Also, like, if we're...

You just made this up. In this sexy scenario that I think about all the time, how could they? Assuming it is real for the sake of this answer, though, like, they're another species, right? So you can't be like, oh, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's like, well, the humans are the beholder. It's like, if you fuck a dog, it's like, well, who's to say the dog's not hot? It's a beautiful dog. That is weird how that line of demarcation is drawn.

Somehow, I, the beholder, goes out the fucking window as soon as you're fucking your dog. Unacceptable. Some enlightened society we have right now. Isn't there somebody you forgot to ask, Plutarch? Yeah. In this fan fiction where my bully bangs my mom, why did she do that? All I'm saying is that fucking a Neanderthal is bestiality. They're not the same species.

They are literally a different species. Don't do it. Hey, don't do it. If you're thinking about having sex with a Neanderthal at home, do not. And we're saying that from a species perspective. Like it's 1870. And this is the plot of my new TV show, Geico's Caveman. What ever happened to that?

I have a lot of thoughts on Geico's Caveman. Jeremy's favorite show, by the way. I've seen every episode of it. Go back, watch Geico's Cavemen, and just know Jeremy approves of the show and wanted more of it. I'm very interested in it because the original pilot, they had to, they un-aired it. They never aired it because it was too racist. Yes. Because the original pitch was that the cavemen were like a metaphor for like black people, essentially.

Wow. So it's a lot of like Nick Kroll being like, you know, Sean wants to fuck you because cavemen have big penises. Wow. And then they call someone like a Cro-Maga, and they're like, you can't say that. Oh, my Lord. It's the craziest show. That's wild. This is all based on an insurance ad, and they use it to make this white supremacy thing.

It's the craziest thing. That's great. Nick Kroll, you crazy for this one. You love insurance, dog. You want to feel secure in your vehicle. Jesus, God. like spot the seven up like turning that into like something anyway well we all get the riff before it comes out of the gun yeah if you're playing bingo at home

check off geico's caveman reality show i i have a lot of thoughts on it i watched it in high school when it came out i was just like what is this damn anyway don't fuck any andrew don't do it they don't really see one no well i mean they might alex well are there any left I'm genuinely curious I don't know there's an episode where one of the cavemen does stand up but he does racist stereotypes

about cavemen to appeal to the non-caveman audience it's a very racist show there's a lot of levels that works on not that this show really merits that much attention but it takes place in a world where the cavemen live alongside humans in modern times and they're like oh laptop

you know like that sort of thing It's like to the cavemen, the Neanderthals never die out and they now are still still around and they're just like hairier guys and people are racist to them. You know, all those great commercials you saw where the cavemen would use a phone in the show. In the original pilot, they live in Atlanta, they live in Georgia or in Nashville or something. They live in the south in the first pilot. I think Atlanta. And then they changed it to like L.A. because they're like, this is too. This is, yeah, people will know how racist we're being.

We got to add a decoy here. Anyway, we've talked enough about this show. Let's go on to- I never want to hear about this again. I'm going to be depressed for the entire weekend. Every night I text Alex about the episode I'm watching. Do you remember Geico Cavemen? Sorry, hit the core MD button.

I'm watching it again. If you don't have a button, you got to find the Doogie Howser song again. Hold on. Wait for it. Do we have the rights to this? I'm not cutting this out. Yeah, we have the rights. I made Doogie Howser.

It's not Dougie Howser. It's Doogie Howser. I haven't seen Doogie Howser. Oh, my God. MFs don't even know how to spell Doogie Howser. Hey, welcome to QuoraMD, the segment where we're like, what the hell? These are medical questions.

I do love that I can see on your YouTube you've listened to half of some volume seven of Final Fantasy music. That's a rap remix. I'm actually way less cool than just a guy who listens to the Final Fantasy VII background soundtrack. Only half? Was the house on fire or something? I've listened to it several times. He had to defend his apartment from an army of Roman soldiers.

Every day I study Japanese and listen to rap remixes of Final Fantasy VII. Are there Final Fantasy VII themed rap lyrics on top of this? We can listen to it. No, don't listen to it. Just what's the question? Why would you give away your computer to someone else to look at your researches? I don't know. He doesn't have a laptop for some reason.

Unlikely. As highly unlikely that he doesn't own a laptop. It is unlikely, isn't it? You have a weird guy. And yet, nonetheless. Do not click on it, Jeremy. Do not click on it. Choke him home.

What is our medical question? Yesterday, I fainted in science class. Sorry. Yesterday, I fainted in science period. After class, my teacher pulled me aside and said it wasn't appropriate behavior and she does not tolerate it. Should I tell the principal?

Yeah, you should tell the principal. Get that bitch fired. Doesn't matter. Get her out of there. We've taken a strong reactionary turn this week. Remember when we had Abby on, we would ask like, hey, should I shoot my child?

And she was like, legally, you shouldn't. And there's so much oppression out there. And then Jay goes like, take my gun. Another win for men. There's no gender in here. I was just doing the mocking punitive internet person who

responds to anything with like, they all need to be in jail. They need to be in jail and I need to have had a better life. You know, that type of thing. I need a better life. Okay, so they faded in science period and then they were told it wasn't appropriate. First of all, it's not appropriate. No, I think that's an inappropriate thing

to do. In science period, you've got to be awake. I have also gotten in trouble for sleeping in class and that isn't horribly different than exactly what we're talking about here i think it's a little bit fainting implies to me like falling yeah yeah but it's on the internet so how do we know that they didn't just fall asleep in class no you can't lie well you gotta take you gotta take these people on good faith otherwise yeah i'm on the school's side discipline rules i was wrong to sleep and you were wrong to faint uh if you tell the principal you gotta like really come for them like you should have like sure uh dirt on this teacher you should be i mean you're essentially like trying to like get them you should start

building a case now yeah yeah you gotta like frame them for something that they are uh that they're some kind of criminal of some kind we're dancing around the answer here you gotta make them out to be a pervert yeah make them out to be a pervert and frame them for sex crimes but that said I do believe you're lying in fellow sleeping class wow

I don't know if that was the case why are you bothering going to Quora for validation you're just going to do whatever you want to do anyway

exactly so that you get people to back you up when you're a sleepy little baby and you just want to sleep all day I find it hard to believe

that someone would just go to Quora and like make up a story yeah I think that's impossible would someone really make up a story because like what good

is having approval from strangers do you for a fake scenario, you know? Well, it just makes you feel better. But you're lying, so it doesn't work. If you're lying about the premise, then anything they're giving you is null and void. I don't know.

What do you think, Jeremy? I think that this is a big problem and that they should go speak to their principal. Okay. No, I don't know. I think I had a lot of teachers who hated me for no reason growing up, so I do relate to this person.

That's wrong. I had a teacher once who... They treated him like one of the Geico cavemen. We're not talking about this. My nickname in high school was caveman. For a second-class caveman. Why was your nickname caveman? Okay, so what happened was my freshman year of high school,

I couldn't see something, so I was covering my eyes like this because it was really sunny, and this kid who was really dumb tried to make fun of me. What's up? I'm just making sure this is still going. We're still recording. Don't worry. We're getting this.

Okay. It was like, oh, what are you? What are you, like a caveman or something? You're like, what is big yellow object in the sky? And then as a ninth grade nerd, I was like, man, a caveman actually did know about the sun. Anyway, I was like, but also I had a unibrow, and people were like, he does kind of look like a caveman, though.

He's pretty much what a caveman is. And then I was just bullied for four years. And yet women insist on sleeping with him. They're drawn to his prowess. Teachers would call me that sometimes. How'd you lose a unibrow? Do you just pluck it now? I did electrolysis.

Oh, nice. As a kid. Really? I was like, this is too much. Get rid of it. Yeah, I've actually been labeled caveman at school, so we decided to take some action. Shock me. Yeah.

That's a very hurtful name to have. Did you like it or not? No, I hated it. Did you like it? I don't know. Some people are real freaks. And then the other one that I had as a kid, so my last name is Kaplowitz, but I had a track coach who would call me Kapo, K-A-P-O, which I thought was just like a weird, fun

little name. I don't think he meant anything by it, but I looked it up. Do you know what this means? Yeah, I know what it means. It's the Jews in the concentration camps who sided with the Nazis. Well, and as we've talked about every week, you do sound like you report on yourself a lot as a child, so it does make me wonder if there's a story there

that maybe you just didn't even notice. Maybe, maybe. Where you're just, hey, they didn't run as many laps as me. Did you see that? No, I was a really lazy student. You want me to do something to them? anyway withhold their grain

yeah do you want me to withhold the other student's grain hold on I'm going to plug the computer in but read it what do the chorus

say Jeremy they say if you pass down in class and your teacher's response is to tell you it's inappropriate behavior not only should you

tell the principal you should also tell your parents people faint for all kinds of reasons at the very least you should probably see a doctor

especially if this has never happened to you before huh It's a very reasonable answer. Pretty much everyone's just like, yes, this is bad. You might have low blood sugar. This is a weird thing to have happened.

Well, I guess I was wrong. Also, have you ever done any hot rails? I love doing them. Does anyone else? I can't find anyone who's just like, no, fainting is wrong. Well, fainting is wrong. Stay awake. People being pretty sympathetic to the child with a medical problem, I see.

As usual. Well, I think they're a liar. Everybody gets a trophy society. Everybody, frigging woke children trying to pass out my class that I teach. One of the

answers is, if this is real, yes. Wow, that was Alex. It says, by Alex Patak. Assume you can present some documentation that backs up your tall tail. It's a pretty insane thing to yell at a child about. I was wrong and I apologize.

Well, this person does say, if you merely fell asleep you should stop making shit up well well finally a friend of patak looks like i'm not the only one who thinks this child is trying to get clout on quora and launch their career falling asleep that ex jordan peterson okay what's the next one okay is it true that gingers bleed more than other people now i had not heard this before sorry gingers parentheses redheads yeah Not like the vegetable or whatever. I do know famous ginger, Anders Lee, and he seems like he bleeds the normal amount. They have, what's the thing with pain tolerance for gingers?

It's, and this is in the answer, but it's less, and that's why they don't respond to anesthesia. I know this sounds like race science, but for whatever reason, they have to give them different amounts of medicine when they do surgery. I was talking to someone I know who's a redhead, and she said when she gave birth, the doctor essentially was like, does the carpet match the drapes? Because we need to know. That's how he said it.

And he turned out to be a doctor. No question there. Wait, I'm sorry. The pain is more and that's why they need more anesthesia. Redheads feel more pain. Yes. And that's why their hair is the color of blood. I mean, if that's true, that kind of lends some credence to this extra bleeding theory.

But do they bleed more? If you cut us, do we not bleed? The blood, they have so much extra blood that it goes into their hair. Yeah, from even simple things. Like putting on a hat makes them bleed so much. Yeah, this is all like four humors style medical. Knowledge.

Yeah. If you're a ginger, you can solve most of your problems with leeches. Absolutely. So, yeah, I think they bleed more. I mean, everyone just says no. A lot of no's. I always thought this was a myth. No.

Not according to studies. One person says yes. Oh, my studies. Well, here you go. One person. Everyone's like, no studies, no doctor. Oh, my studies. No.

But then Ellen shows up. My peer review. And guess what? Ellen is a redhead, and she says yes. Yep. Yep. Lived experience. Yes.

I'm bleeding right now. She says, I'm 65. I've heard several times in my life from nurses that redheads are nicknamed bleeders because we bleed. As I was giving birth to my son in 1984, Dr. Ramsey, then head of OBGYN at Piedmont Hospital. Oh, I thought that was the name of the son. in Atlanta said, oh my god, it looks like someone threw a bomb

up there. What the fuck? These guys are going to some pretty laid back hospitals. The thing is, doctors can just say stuff. Doctors can ask you if the carpet matches the drapes and then say a bomb went off in your pussy. I was born on Halloween and my mom said that the doctors

were often wearing costumes when I was born. Really? This matches everything else I know about you, being birthed by a Terminator with half the face. Maybe that sounds like it could be a Top Gun nickname or something.

Yeah, it could be. You could be the bad pilot that is nicknamed Caveman. Yeah, exactly. The one who's like, this guy can't operate a plane like a caveman. It would be really funny if a surgery goes poorly and then you're still wearing your Dracula costume

and you're like, I'm sorry. At that point, you probably won't stop doing the voice do you mind if i have some of this blood from the you know the fucked up thing is that my dad was wearing a costume anyway yep my dad was wearing a costume but he was dressed as a doctor hello that was a little bit confusing we like to have fun here and this is the baby's placenta you put your hand in the thing oh it's just grapes yeah we all know babies the placenta it feels like grapes. I really just can't believe

it looks like someone threw a bomb in there. Aren't birds always kind of disgusting? She called his name out too, Dr. Ramsey. Dr. Ramsey delivers babies a lot. You'd think he'd be used to it by now. Imagine you're giving birth and the doctor goes, Jesus Christ!

What the fuck? You low-key nasty for this one. That's what your vagina looks like? They do that every time. Just kidding it's a prank It's so different than a penis He's never seen one Shocks me every time

We just need to let you know that the doctor is a virgin He's going to be scared to touch you It's like the good doctor show The virgin doctor The virgin doctor I think that's all our medical questions Oh no it's not This is the most important one

How much time have we done Should this be the last one We have done 58 minutes. Oh, okay. We can do, like, two more questions. That's fine. Okay. Question. How much fecal matter is held in the human body? Websites like Google are claiming

10 to 25 pounds, but it seems to be suspected commercial sites that I don't trust. Because they're like, take our pill and eliminate that 25 pounds of shit that is dragging you down. I thought it was just like Google's gone woke and they don't

want you to know about how much shit is in you. The ad below this is you don't have to battle depression alone if you're looking this up on quora find out uh i'm really into the guy who doesn't believe there's 10 to 25 pounds of shit in a human body because there's way more than that can i be extremely pedantic also and say uh google's not a website google's like you can't be like google claims it's like no google's showing you other people but google google.com is a website yeah but like you can't be like websites like google are telling me this because like google is just sending you other stuff sure you know what

that's fair you're full of shit hello that's the big joke okay um yeah uh i don't think first of all what qualifies as shit inside of your body you know how like blood is blue inside of you and then red is oxygen yeah so what qualifies like what at what point does it become shit in the small intestine or i don't know large intestine sure yeah i guess it might be food up it's a process like in in your tummy it's not quite shit yeah because you didn't get all that good stuff out then it's just some yummies 10 to 25 pounds seems like a lot i definitely am not eating 25 pounds of food every day i'm pretty sure about this i think you're right i mean i know i get like everybody donuts and then like we have water and stuff but like 25 pounds i think that's

an old wives tale that's like a over wives didn't used to know how much stuff weighed back then They were just eyeballing it. How much is that hamburger? 30 pounds? I probably have 50 pounds of shit in there. People are saying that it's just a few pounds. I trust the people on this one. I would guess two to five.

Two to five. Move a decimal over. And for the audio listeners, Alex said that into the camera. I am a doctor. Legally, he's not, but he is Dr. Alex Patak. confidence wise anime md anime md here to get naruto facts incorrect um all right yeah uh how many of these people are doctors a lot of them jessica labuff says okay this is going to sound rather gross but i've weighed myself both before and after a fairly large bowel movement

and i was seven pounds lighter legend that's not fucking true no way not fucking true there's no way you took a seven pound shit i have also done this when i was on a wrestling team and i never did more than five pounds of shit and that's not true either you and jessica are both lying no here's the thing is i really took down hoagies back then like nobody's business was it one shit yeah it was one huge shit you gotta work for this five pound shit it's a nasty episode jessica's lying she wants you to think you guys are both trying to impress some girl or something i'm just all right let's look baby you know they're huge jessica is a personal trainer trainer yeah a new zealand uh i'm sorry it was john fk rowling again oh yeah that's good

Stepping in with medical dollars. We should remember that for the future. Jessica, you're a personal trainer. She works at Jessica. So you mean a Hufflepuff. She works at Jessica LeBilt Fitness, LLC. Oh, that's probably hers, right? Yeah, definitely.

It's a play on Jessica LeBuff. Her name is already Buff, and she wanted to make it a more cumbersome build. Wait a minute. I don't know if I'm pronouncing it wrong. but it's like shia no i she missed a huge layup there sorry jessica it should be buff as it b-u-f-f yeah i'm sorry her bio is uh travel laugh squat shit the squad is short for shit um but yeah i i agree with jessica that you can take huge shits but still it's not gonna be 50 pounds

it's not gonna be seven pounds seven pounds is also a lot and she said we wouldn't believe her yeah that's true you're not gonna believe me but this story i made up this guy says johnston robert says who works for the city council of bristol says i have weighed myself often before and after a full bowel it's up to stone what are your uh local politicians doing with your tax dollars guessing how much shit is in a human body he says it never sees more than two pounds i love the idea of this city councilman every time he takes a big shit he's like gotta weigh myself before and after listen listen i know a lot about dollars and cents dollars and cents we must tabulate every what are you doing i won't be yelled at for losing the camera okay all right

the camera's down but here's what you need to know is that uh if you count piss as shit water is heavier than a solid is a lot of the time piss as shit if you wake up in the morning and piss it's like two pounds usually regularly when i was on a sports team i weighed myself every morning apples and piss alex why are we even talking about this kind of shit there's no reason to bring piss into this we had our hands full with shit and now you're now you're trying to expand the world? Piss is water shit. It's refuse and waste

in the body. Apples and piss. Do you think piss is shit? Do I think piss is shit? Yeah. I think piss is the shit. Hell yeah, dude. I love to piss.

I'll high five you for that caveman. That rocks. Don't forget to put the power cord back in. Oh, yeah. You guys need an intern. It's a new computer,

so the cord is really good. We need something. We got to do a better job at our podcast. I just... More cables, please. We can't lose... We cannot afford to lose the video again.

Not this week. No. I can't be owned anymore. Okay. Viewers complaining of the black screen that you subject them to? I have a Windows 95 screensaver that goes where the ball bounces back and forth. People are like, how do you keep losing the video? And we're like, we don't know.

That's the problem. We need help. Someone be our producer. The cat is not good at it. No, but also for no money. That's a big part of it. Yeah. Okay, so.

For internet clout. All right, let's end it there. Let's do one or two more. Oh, to end it more? Oh, I'm just saying just because I'm worried about our camera or whatever, but I'll do one more if you want. All right. Do one of these.

Do one of these. Okay, we have one more segment. That is, of course, the Quoker. Here on the Quoker, we do incel and manosphere style questions, and then it's like the Joker and he's kind of an incel and this is the Naruto music. Okay, this is an important question

that I assume we will have to deal with sometime in our life. What would happen if a drill instructor caught a recruit jerking off in boot camp? So in this question, Sarge catches you going large. Now in the videos I've seen, usually he's like,

you gonna hand up that? Yeah, he's like, 10 hut. and he gives you 20 pumps that is sure drop and give me 20 pumps the shame with which you pitch that idea i just want to make sure we're all on the same page no that's what we're talking about and i honestly think usually if they catch you jacking off they're like this is not my job i mean those places are uh-oh those places are just filled with young

men who are working out all day and have no female companionship or male companionship. That's not true. A lot of male companionship. An update for Django, they let women in the army now. Django is 60 years old. Let's not get into that.

Come on. Camp Pendleton has like two women and like a giant, like let's be honest. Let's be honest. They've all gone woke. Can we have some honesty for once in our goddamn lives? Anyway, the point I was trying to make is these guys are constantly whacking it. I'm sure your average drill instructor walks in on this happening like eight times a year.

It's got to happen. I think the guys who jack off all the time are getting funneled into the army more than any other group you come across at a high school level. That's how you know they have that killer instinct. But conversely, they are working out all the time, which will make you too tired to jack off, if you can believe it. If you've run, like, 10 miles that day, you're probably not that interested. You'll catch 22. Yeah, because you need your penis blood to go into your legs. I'm a doctor.

I have a story from Greg Weaver. Okay. We had a guy, Private Sudeth, who had a, quote, cool aunt close to his age that sent him contraband porn in the letters she wrote. What a cool aunt that is. We also had the ambiguously gay duo, Private White and Jones. I don't know if they are familiar with the SNL sketch. I think he just means like two friends. Who had enlisted together and made a big stink

because they weren't in the same platoon. So I lost my bunkmate and got white instead. One night, the AGD were on fire guard together because the drills made them do everything together. They caught Sudith arm wrestling the Cyclops in the bathroom. Now that, I think, is a euphemism. That's a really good euphemism. That's some of the stronger writing we've seen on Quora.

Yeah. The next morning, they loudly proclaimed this in front of the entire 60-man platoon, laughing and crowing about it. Then our senior drill said, you both saw him jerking off in the bathroom? Yes, drill sergeant. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So one of you saw him jerking off, so you called your buddy over, and the two of you quietly watched him jerk off together? Yes, drill sergeant. Ha, ha, oh, wait. At which point, the rest of the platoon broke up laughing. Sudduth was henceforth known as Spanky, spanky and every time someone walked by our birth they'd say hey jones white i'm going back to the

bathroom rub one out want to watch because the the joke is that they were gay which is i is it still against the law in the military to be gay did we clear that up uh i think you're allowed now you're you can do that now all right well now it's just funny normal and it's not a punishment now it's just funny that we all have urges now we can take away those Troublesome political Complexities And it's just pure Now that we all agree the military is cool

I want to enlist today So I can have funny conversations Like Spanky or Private Suddeth Yeah Back in the army they give you Really funny nicknames, Suddeth What do they mean?

Oh it's just my name They caught me wrestling the Cyclops so you know how that is boot camps sexually charged i believe it hey i believe it and then we send those boys to die for money and so yeah that was what would happen if a drill sergeant caught you doing that yeah i think they would say they'd they'd say like come on it sounds like the kind of thing that just happens a lot yeah it probably happens 10 times a day yeah i don't think these guys should be ashamed of this is he's putting on there's really nothing to be ashamed of and we encourage our listeners uh who are enlisted keep doing it keep doing it don't stop to all our

boys overseas first of all keep up the good fight keep keep fighting hirohito we need to stop the hun in his tracks can you say that as i said it i was like can you say that anymore i know that was like the slogan in 1930 or whatever but um anyway it just seems like if you jerk off you guys will be hearing for the hun anti-defamation league too sweet i don't even know what group that's referring to it's whatever one you're thinking is that everyone you're thinking when you said it i know well there's the huns and then i think the kaiser was the hun uh yeah no one in this fucking room even knows.

And I'm disappointed in us. I'm a liberal arts guy, man. I have an economics degree, which is like a fake thing. They don't teach you

this in medical school. They don't teach you about the Huns. I have no idea how I will edit around this. All they teach you is how much

blood gingers have. Yeah, I'm going to go jerk off in front of my drill instructor right now. It sounds fine. It sounds like

they're just going to make fun of you. They're going to make fun of you, but they're your friend. They're going to make one of those cruel marching rhythm rhymes

about you. Icoth, Sudeth, jerking off. Everyone's going to be jogging to an inappropriate nursery rhyme about your indiscretions. I think from now on, we have to go by Caveman and Spanky. Those are our new nicknames. Dear Quora, my podcast

co-hosts call me Jacking Off. If you find a good Quora, be sure to send it to Quarriors at gmail.com to Spanky and the Caveman. That sounds like the worst radio show. And in a way, it is. Spanky and the Man. With no further ado,

let's probably close this one out. Let's ask a quora. Let's ask a quora. Do we have any questions? What did we learn this week? Do you have any questions? Do I have any questions? Oh, shit.

What questions do you have about life? Oh, you want stuff from me? Oh, well, are these questions that we're going to ask? No pressure. So we're going to make a quora. I think referring to weapons is a good way to get people to respond to our... We did that last week, though. Yeah, but, I mean, we could take it in a different direction.

Here's a question I had the other week that I sort of answered. It's a very closed-ended question because it has a definitive answer. But when you have a gun and you're putting the safety on, is it red, which means the safety is on, or is red danger, the safety is off? I really like this because it does sound like you're about to use your gun. You're asking Quora. I didn't even know there was a color aspect to it.

I believe that when you put a safety on a gun, the color red is incorporated. I've actually never held a gun, so I'm just assuming. But it's one of those things where sometimes I'll get these anxiety questions like, oh, I should know this if a gun ever falls in my hand. I should know which one it is. Yeah, in case in a self-defense emergency, you've already done karate, disarmed one man with a gun, and you want to turn his gun on your second assailant. It's just like one of those things, like, you know, you have, like, these paranoid, like, fantasies.

Like, oh, what if I'm in this situation? I need to know. Like, it's like that type of thing. Yeah. So the question I have is, is Red gun on or gun off? Is Red gun on or gun off is the question. Type that up, Jeremy. Yeah.

And we're going to get going on that. In the meantime, Django, thank you so much for coming on the show. We have a lot of fun here on Quarators. Thanks for having me, guys. And we want to know, where can the listener find you at home and abroad? Oh, this is where I promote my thing, right? Yeah, it's the plugs. Plug time.

Okay, listeners, on May 13th, I'm recording a live comedy album slash special at the Gutter in Williamsburg. Two tapings. Two tapings. Two coats. One at 8, one at 1030. Saturday, May 13th. It's going to be great. Come out.

And if not, go on, live your life otherwise. This episode's going to come out in, like, July. Yeah, I was about to say. Yeah, we're banked deep, but I'll be there. Yeah. It worked on me. The plug worked on me. I got half the podcast hosts there already.

I'll be in Spain. Fucker. Fucker. Doxing Jeremy, you can find him in Spain. If you're in Spain. Yeah. Left. Hang out.

You know. The Castilian. Castilian. I'm sorry I said that. well with no further ado thanks so much for listening to the show and as we say every week question everything okay