Quorators - Why Do I Sometimes Find Old People Disgusting?

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Who would win? Master Chief (without armor) or a Silverback Gorilla? Using The 5 Senses, How Would You Describe Your Grandmother? How Do You Feel After A 45 Second Pee?

I'm going to cheat this way. Nice. I can look into your eyes. Look into my eyes as we tell Quorras we're recording in audio. We sure are. I see we're recording in video, but I want to make sure the audio is recording. We're just like, by the end of this podcast, we're just going to sound like insane people. That's not true.

We just sound like two lovebirds. to recording our chorus to people who found quove on the quinternet yeah that's beautiful you know it's almost Christmas

podcasting is hard it's quarried as we're back the cat is coming for this one yeah he's returned to the show we we had a few episodes where the cat was uninterested in being a part of the podcast but now the second i got him music he was not interested in being part of it anymore But now he's all up in our shit. Yeah, man. He's really part of it.

And you know what? We've got cameras running. Producer Waffles. If you're one of those people who just can't get enough of images of cats, check us out on YouTube. Is this good for you? Oh, you're probably loving this. Is this something you like?

Oh, God, you sicko. This is the Waffles theme. I like it. It kind of sounds like you're the main menu for Fire Emblem. I think we said that on a different podcast episode. oh that was this one okay never mind alex has been podcasting so much he's lost all sense of what conversations have been recorded i record an average of six a week by the way i don't know if um you've had this conversation before but where you like are having like a genuine one-on-one with

like a family member or somebody you don't keep up with that often yeah that kind of reminds me of this thing that happened they're like i heard you say that on the radio your life is no longer your own look at this fucker he is just trying to eat a whole lamp right now he really is he doesn't have any teeth this is huge cat content you gotta do more stuff you can't rest on your laurels here he's coming to visit jeremy that's pretty abnormal all right well this is this is great podcast we wore the sound out i really didn't think that would happen all right well Quora-tors, every week we are on Quora, we ask, fuck you, he bit my hand.

We ask, what is Quora? What is Quora? We have no guests today, so Waffle's just eating Alex. Marron, you tested me! Oh, now he's upset. He's upset. I got bit by a toothless animal. You know who's upset?

Me. Well, you know what you could do is you could bite him to try to escape. People, have you ever heard somebody tell you that, that they do that to their dogs? They bite their dogs? Yeah, because dogs are, they have a different brain than cats. They're a dog-like brain. And so the two ways to train your dog,

and I am an expert here as someone who has cats, are to wrangle them into submission using primal dominance or to train them well with foods and rewards. And so occasionally you get a fucker who they're all fucked up in the head. And so they're like, yeah, whenever my dog bites me, I bite him back. And then the dog goes, yarp, and they don't bite anymore, which I've heard several children say to me when I was a child. But I can't imagine a grown man biting a dog. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, how are you as a man biting a dog? i feel like the person who does that to a dog would probably do it to like their unruly friend yeah you know what i mean like in their friend group it's like well coming at me i'm gonna fucking bite you bro i'll bite you i'll fucking bite you the peg i'm the alpha of the friends well you know i bit my other friend i bit my best friend once he's over there and then it's you know these are and then camera reveals these are two firemen and the dog is a dalmatian okay because does that add to the story well it adds flavor all right that's flavoring context um i'm

picturing it better now it's a world it's a world building project and that's what we've embarked upon here uh the cat has left so we can finally focus on our work yes do you have any big events of the day that you'd like to discuss uh no i don't think so good because this is a quora podcast let's read some goddamn quora first though we have one segment on this podcast what's up i want to know if anybody answered my question from last week because i know we didn't get anything this is huge we have one segment on this podcast for those who don't know and that's that we ask a quora at the end of the episode and the next episode we read the quora and guess what this this week we said if you were on a podcast what question could you get asked that would make you

leave okay and for the like fifth week in a row we have no responses that's we are striking out on quora it feels like quora has noticed us noticing it and is now evading our grasp yeah it upsets me maybe that's probably not what's happening but it does spiritually feel that way i know that we've had people like write answers to our chorus who listen to the podcast and we were like don't do that because we don't want to fuck with it but maybe we should have people like boost it somehow you know what i mean it's like no it's a slippery slope jeremy i just how will we be able to that to identify friend from foe i don't know we need some sort of like code word if you if you answer our if you answer our question with the with the word

scrambled eggs we'll know working scrambled eggs that's how we know that it's and every week we have a keyword this is so smart this is good right this is the smartest thing you've ever said okay cool so this week if you put scrambled eggs in your answer but you can't answer it to juice it yeah yeah yeah you could answer it just to juice it can you can you find out if anybody answered my question for the previous week where i really feel like i nailed it they still didn't answer it this is what is the worst thing your child could do before uh you send it to jail yeah um we have one answer on this but it is it is from uh scott who we uh shamed last week damn it sorry scott uh we could read scott's answer if it makes you feel better well it's not a real it's not a real

quora answers just that's like a podcast review yeah it is kind of like a podcast review that's not what we do here we read the people who live on quora yeah we don't want people gentrifying the website it's like it's like um gentrifying the website's a good analogy um i was going to say when you bring like um uh they film planet earth or something and they bring the film crew to go record the noble apes and beasts and uh creatures and buggies of the wild yeah and then uh you want footage of the bugs right right right you wouldn't take footage of your own sound guy fucking around would you and that's essentially what we're talking about here the human holds a boom microphone in front of the lion look at him he's so silly

he doesn't know how to act with a lion yeah just thinking that's part of the natural habitat is just your crew that you brought dan's goofy for real look at him that's planet earth ladies love cool dan yeah well i guess back to these bees or whatever bullshit we're talking about that's like when people say that like um all structures are natural they're like well buildings are natural because humans are natural and beavers also make buildings so what do you have to say about that and it's like words exist for a reason right so i don't know what to tell you i don't type big naturals into google to go look at the wonderful buildings we've created i uh i typed that in as a biology professor

for research um i i had to clear my cookies uh on my computer the other day for work and um which is suspicious so so i i got logged out of all my emails which is why i had to log back into the corators email quarters at gmail.com please send us your chorus um and um i forgot that it like it undoes all of your autofill on on the url bar what a nightmare and i was looking up um analytics.google.com to look at my website's traffic oh yeah and i just typed in those first four letters and press enter like i normally do oh my god and i just googled the world with the word anal googled the word anal and i was arrested i feel like we're 11 years old i it wasn't like i i didn't feel like i was like uh-oh but it was just i was just sitting at my computer looking at the googled the googling

the word anal jeremy frozen in fear trapped in the room with anal google is just like i'll tell you what yeah i'll tell you what i'm happy to let you know i'm gonna show you what you look for i don't even want to look at this but if you want to this is our character tough guy google tough guy google carl from uh aqua teen hunger force you want to see my gun you type in whatever you're looking for the google first ass and like a little pop-up art do you want to see my god you're like No, Google. I'm looking for a... Googling anal.

Googling anal. You feeling lucky? Yeah, tough guy Google adds punk after that. You feel lucky, punk? Yeah, like Clint Eastwood. Do you know it's Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday today, punk? I wish. But no, it's not a holiday.

It's another day of work here on Quora.com. So let's get these Quoras up. No one has answered our shitty questions. We fucking suck at Quora. I want people to answer it so badly. We were on like a roll for a bit. I really thought we cracked the website. Can you get negative karma?

We have been shadow banned on Quora. Has Elon purged his Quora? Yes. Oh, my God. All right. Well, at least we have very important questions to answer. This is from Michael Kern, and the question is, who would win, Master Chief without armor or a silverback gorilla?

That is a good question. Who do you think? I think with armor, easiest decision ever. Master Chief obviously wins. Most of his enemies are basically gorillas, the brutes, and he just shoots them up real quick. Yeah, he shoots them with a big gun. And he can shoot, and we're assuming the gun is not included with the armor he's removing.

Sure. Although I would not include gun with armor generally. But, I mean, if he just has a gun. Separate loadout. If he has a rocket launcher, I assume he could take a gorilla. I think this is assuming melee weapons. The sword, the beam sword. It's a sword, easy.

Okay. um now the core of master chief's power does come from his suit in a way where i cannot imagine him without the suit is he a guy under there he is a guy he's like a grizzled white guy oh nice another win for us got him got him we got master chief too hell yeah i love the meeting they had at microsoft hq about like so we go white guy again fellas but arbiter he could be anything hey the arbiter is a beautiful latino woman um well with that said uh some master chief we've talked a lot about master chief stats he's capable with any weapon although i do believe his armor is helping him with that his speed is amplified

by the armor in a way where you know these guns are heavy oh yeah big time because these are like essentially like mech suits he's wearing he's wearing he's not even probably that good at shooting yeah he probably has aim assist on it's the goddamn future yeah is there any missions without the helmet no no there's actually would be i don't know why there's a there's a cut scene from the um first game where uh he takes his helmet off at the end but it is um there you go and uh that's what i do to master chief don't we also have a halo sound uh yeah we have killing spree but it's on the other board okay so you have to like go we're not gonna hear it right now that's fine uh but anyway at the end of the first game he there you go he takes his helmet off and

the camera pans down so you don't see what's like a close one so people um like hacked into the game and like zoomed out to see what it is and he just has another helmet underneath it well because they were assuming like no one will find the part of the shot we cut off it's not in the game let's not worry about that yeah that's immature to do that now back to our discussion could he defeat a silverback gorilla some gorillas are strong enough to flip a car i think the answer is no i think that i think that master chief would get his arms ripped off i think he's just an old guy well this goes back to the question does he have guns i'm gonna say with guns yes no guns no no guns no i think he's he's just a tall guy without the guns you know the other thing too

about fighting a gorilla and this is something we talk about every week and there's no one here to say we can't no one here to say it's stupid or that

Andy was like you can't fight a gorilla we're like we'll find out if I had a gun even without my helmet if I was Master Chief I could kill a gorilla

our point about his aim being reduced without the helmet is pretty good what was I saying Master Chief gorilla the gorilla

has the certain we can do more women on this podcast no we don't we don't it's fine it's fine um i think i want to hear more from the audience so uh audience being people who use ula zoo who uh has an unhealthy almost manic obsession with halo as their job

wrote maybe which is extremely unhealthy uh helpful answer that's what we said gorillas are incredibly powerful creatures that would tear a normal human apart however master chief is no normal human he has a good chance of being able to take down a gorilla but requires more than his strength a massive boon for the chief is he not a normal human i don't know halo lore that way he is a uh augmented human okay so they like remove his bones they like remove his bones and they like stretch out his body and they like my bones are always holding me back oh yeah big time they don't let me they put them back anything i want to do yeah okay so they take them oh so they stretch armstrong him put the bones back in i think so yeah that's

essentially what people are doing with that leg surgery yeah i mean i i basically have that shit as a kid have i talked about this on the podcast what i took a human growth hormone as a kid oh that's not not the same but it's a similar and like they made me taller than i should have been they scienced me up yeah you are a whole lot of uh man i i'm six feet now you're a whole lot of love i'm a whole lot of love jeremy walks in the room and i flinch every time jeremy cap lewis is a whole lot of love coming this fall he's a whole lot of quav um my projected height was five two and i outgrew it by 10 inches so okay thanks to the the was something medically wrong or were they just like yeah we're gonna need a bigger one they were like this boy's just not big let's uh

turn those dials up uh they claimed that i was uh my growth hormone was insufficient which i don't know what that means yeah and i was negative percentile and weight and height which um i also literally don't understand what that means they thought you were gonna be eaten i was like literally below the chart on height and weight when I was a kid. They had a chart and they were like, and here's you. It was literally underneath the chart and it was negative percentile. Shouldn't the chart include

being really short? They said, shut up, you short piece of shit. Shut up, you shrimp. You could never fight Master Chief. Yeah, they fake punched me a bunch. We need to give him two hormones for flinching. Well, now you're a big sexy man. I'm a big sexy man. And we're both married

and we're unavailable. Oh, yeah. Now, would Master Chief defeated Gorilla. This guy just says a bunch of shit about Master Chief. Who cares? He's insanely fast, being able to outrun a 26th century exoskeleton to automated targeting systems at age 14. This is too much information about Master Chief. People hate that.

I don't like how much information this guy has. If I find whoever wrote this post... The gunshot is so intense. What I'm saying is I'll kill them with a gun. A bonus for Chief is that his bones are near unbreakable due to the layer of carbide ceramic grafted on his skeletal system. Right, they'll just be bent. this is the gorilla will just bend him like a spoon um and this is what i said chief's greatest

advantage here is his experience with brutes because they're basically spartan gorillas yes it does seem that way uh conclusion chief would win if he is able to take an advantage in the opening of the fight possibly by avoiding the gorilla's charge and punches and dish out a few in the vital organs his enhanced strength and his knowledge of the right places to hit the soft soft squishy internal organs would incapacitate the gorilla if he is unable to counter the initial attack the gorilla would likely win this is a very interesting fight breakdown i do think it's kind of bullshit i'm remembering with the point i wanted to make earlier which is that uh consider the tiger sorry if i scared you at home with that not a real tiger in the studio uh consider the

tiger when people hunt tigers they think uh like uh prize hunting like trophy hunting like the trumps do or whatever uh oh i've killed a fierce animal top of the food chain look at me look at my fancy new coat uh it's very easy to hunt a tiger because tigers don't expect to be hunted that way they are just sleeping usually and you shoot them in the face gorillas do expect to see a master chief at least once they at least do they are prepared they're always bouncing up on their feet like who's that which halo is that the chief whatever whatever gorillas wake up they go demon it's a halo reference they have the they have the pop-up animation from uh because last we were talking about rise of the planet of the apes yes well imagine that in this situation is

my yeah they're they're so afraid of sticky grenades those gorillas yeah the pistol is overpowered all of these questions are um are so intense these answers one of them this one guy his profile picture on quora is master chief uh covered by the french flag it's french master chief viva master chief and uh i'm not gonna read his answer because it's really long but the first sentences. I will be answering this question in three different categories. Strength, speed, and fighting abilities. And also, categories is

spelled categorizes. Well, he's French. There you go. Categories. Categories. Strength. Speed. La train. I've noticed this answer's more racist than the other ones. Is this by a French guy? Vin Gasoline.

Master Chief moves with the agility of and mars that's very funny yeah he also says he can run at 55 kilometers per hour go fuck yourself that's not how we're talking here master chief's american it's not that kind of show this is earth this is the united states of earth um there's a guy named vin gasoline whose job is nose spanish vin gasoline does vin gasoline is very upset he says why is nobody nobody answering this obvious question no offense but a lot of people is wrong chief in armor is being able to lift a freaking tank but mjolnir isn't supposed to replace the spartan's body they still make the effort to lift all that so he can lift a scorpion with or without armor master chief has as much strength

muscular explosiveness faster reflexes etc he is a walking tank in a few words this is really opening my mind my eyes to the realities of master chief this is a brute would would torn in half a silverback chief can kill a brute in a matter of milliseconds up i'm up querying that that's the whole post millisecond milliseconds so we were dead wrong it's actually a uh flat out victory for master chief also i like that he says he's answering this question he's like why is nobody answering this fucking question if chief had armor he'd kill him it's like that's not even the question dealing spree that's the kill you earned it you earned it that's how cool master chief was for this question and you know what here's a promise for the rest of the episode

for every other answer where master chief is cool we will also do killing spree yeah yeah uh hope it comes up again one guy says well this is something i have been wanting to answer for a while all right we can't read more of these are too intense do one more sure i'm trying to find one it can't be better than the french guy though should i read the guy who's been waiting to answer for a while? He was saying Cray-blee. Yeah, yeah,

do that one. Oh, where is it? Let's rap for a minute. I found it. There are two scenarios which will happen. They're obvious, but they help visualize

things, I guess. Note, I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. I notice you're losing confidence as the answer starts. It's just getting so long. I guess he could.

I guess he could beat a gorilla. This is something I've been waiting for my whole life, and my answer is I'm not really sure. uh you will need to do extra research on these things go fuck yourself we are not doing that

unless it is also on quora um he basically he he has two big uh his one very long we won't be typing master chief into the search bar at the end of this just to see what other questions pop up uh the first scenario is just like battle starts and the silverback comes in charge of the chief john is able to dodge the attack but hits the vital organs of the grill and near the torso perhaps the master chief has immense amounts of experience fighting brutes which are basically gorillas on steroids and it just keeps going for like a really long paragraph and then it just says two the gorilla gets the first hit and continues the ball the chief which in that case the silver back wins what are you watching this right now what are you talking about i'm not asking your

opinion i want the facts could he defeat a gorilla unarmored master chief is one of two spartans to be classed hyper lethal the one being noble six from noble team or whatever that team is called That means they are the most deadliest Spartans alive. None of this matters if the silverback has to damage the chief's vital areas like his neck because then the gorilla can quickly kill him. My vital neck. My neck is hurt. Ow, my neck.

That really hurt. What are you doing, Master Chief? Rubbing my neck. It hurts. I think I slept weird. Ouch. You know, you really feel your 30s, even as a chief. this is just me talking as a chief but ouch what are you doing master chief adulting

answering emails like a boss this is our character millennial master chief and scene um very quickly just go ahead and type the words master chief into the search bar see what other chords are in there master this could be an oops all master chiefs episode i didn't intend for this to happen but uh all of these questions are exactly what you think number one i don't know what i think who would win in a fight master chief or doom guy number two who would win in a fight between captain america and master chief number three in a fight between master chief and darth vader who would win the amount i look down on these questions as someone who gets very into the animal fighting does not make any sense yeah you're just like this is so dumb dude who fucking

cares about master chief versus darth vader anyway who would win the fight alex patak or a tiger I have not inserted myself into any of these questions. These are anthropological discussions that are important to cover on Quora.com. All of these are the most, like, this is like the council of Quora men. Like, they've come together to be like, no offense, but I really do not see how people can believe Chief has any chance against Darth Vader whatsoever. Well, I think we've discussed this enough. I think it's time to give some content to the ladies real quick.

Do we have a ladies question? Surely we do. We have a bunch by the urinal. All right, this is a big ladies question. I think ladies want to know about the urinal. Ladies want to know, why do I sometimes find old people disgusting? I hate how they want to know that.

I think this is a weird question, but if women want to know, we will cover it. It's something I don't feel comfortable answering it almost because it's so offensive, but also just to be an ally, I think I got to say. let's answer this okay why do you find old people disgusting you personally me get out of jeremy's shot you're obscuring jeremy the money maker oh baby jeremy's bringing in all the freaking dollar bills everybody wants to listen to the podcast for we haven't monetized yet but that's where

they're coming from is jeremy's face um uh okay so why do you find some why do you sometimes find old people yeah why do you find old people disgusting bro only sometimes not all the time i think um uh if they're covered in muck yes i find them disgusting yes yeah like that one shot from the dune movie where baron harkonnen emerges from the uh redemptive pool of uh oil right people get mad at me disgusting people get really mad at me they're like why do you you think old people are disgusting i'm like yes i do think old people are disgusting when it's baron harkonnen yeah coming out of the black goop one of the worst archdukes the galaxy federation is seen do not correct me on that terminology i am not sure that is the right terminology yeah this is a big sci-fi

episode we're getting really we're getting really into the uh dune dune verse dune and doom um i think um old people are disgusting because of their sins because they've had more time to sin that's a good point because the longer you live the more sins you can do young people like so you ever see an ugly baby that baby came out of the womb and did something bad but an ugly person or especially an old one is just somebody who's been racking up mistruths and misrepresentations of god's plan lying stealing think of how many things old people have stole they've had years to do oh yeah big time and and you ever hear stories from like the fucking 40s oh yeah and They were so racist.

Nasty back then. Yeah. Oh, my God. Baron Harkonnen. I don't know if you've heard about World War Two. It's pretty much all Baron Harkonnen. Oh, yeah. Big time.

Nobody comes out looking great. No, no, no, no. That's why they're all forehead wrinkled. Oh, yeah. Big time. Because of their sins. When we're old, our generation, we're going to look like hotties. That's right.

We spent the most time on the computer. Yes, that's true. Now, what are the answers on Quora? okay well christianne peterson erwin uh answered this one so that's good because we have a woman's perspective because this is a question from women uh she says i have to laugh not at your question but it brings back a memory too funny we were in our late i'd love to hear it unrelated but one time i was taking a dump all right uh when we were in our late 20s my husband and i went to a restaurant and an older man was at the next table struggling to eat this is already a grim

story well why was he struggling to eat it took it's like it took forever for him to get the spoon to his mouth from his soup bowl and soup was falling everywhere somehow for him it looked like the food was farther away than it normally is from your mouth anyway my husband looked at me and said very seriously christy when i get that old please just shoot me so you see you're not the only one who finds old age disgusting smiley face this is the nicest thing i've ever read she's like i have a very funny story for you i saw an old man who could not eat and my husband said kill me if i've ever liked this you have to take my life fast forward 40 years naturally my husband has become less coordinated and frail especially after a stroke and he called me over

to help him once he managed once because he managed to get syrup all over the place and trying to place it on his pancakes no problem i was there to grab a warm clean towel and clean him up and while i was doing that i said casually well i guess i better find the gun he said my gun what for i said i promised to shoot you remember we laughed so hard the whole plate of pancakes when flying off the table so i guess oh my point is don't do that even past the point of self-discuss there is much to be grateful for and a whole lot of living left to do. That did not answer our question.

Did not say why old people are so ugly all the damn time. But it did show your careless regard for pancakes, which almost reinforces my theory of sin. Yeah, I think that that's the answer. Wanton disregard for pancake. I'm trying to see if there's any other interesting answers here. I mean, the question is not why are old people disgusting. it is why do i sometimes find old people disgusting oh okay so that is so it's kind

of hard to answer that question because i don't know what this person's deal is yeah it can't be answered it's one of those trick questions this is the sphinx here's a good answer everyone it's the sphinx here's a good answer from bob roach uh it says maybe you should learn not to trust dating service profiles dating that's not but other than that it's the fact that they're biological spoilers old people remind us especially the youth obsessed us culture i think that's supposed to be us that we're not here forever and the whole thing starts to reverse eventually and we become more like infants full of funny smells largely unintelligible and needing of diapers full of funny smells if you don't find if you don't like uh old people if you find old

people disgusting maybe you should learn not to trust dating service profile photos yeah maybe that should open your mind about mash dark i like that this guy reads this and he's like this person is trying to fuck old people they're more than just their bodies they're funny smells okay well that answers that question we have another old person question because oh yes women care for all people and that includes the elderly and so this is our outreach to them after our master chief discussion so this is this question is using the five senses how would you describe your grandmother okay so this one had a good answer yeah but also how would i like using taste i don't want to use that well you have to you ever smell something so strong it

has a taste sure you can wrap that in uh i'm gonna say salty salty is such a good adjective jeremy thank you that's number one for old people oh yeah big time because again they've had more time to accumulate salt that's why dogs love old people dogs do love old people they're just a big salt lick at the end of the day how would you describe your grandmother in five senses uh the the waft of caramel caramel yeah my grandmother is a gorgeous woman but you gotta see her to believe her uh the sight of caramel i think she's just care of i got to caramel we should read this person yeah let's see what this is she feels like caramel wesley atkin has a long one uh she's got a ba from multiple bas from tulane university graduated 1981 graduate

speaking we called her grandmother king as children at her request this sounds like the king grandmother king this is the beginning of the worst novel i've ever read who approaches the grandmother king they should call her your grace that's clever some more cookies your grace um but i changed her name to grand lady when i spent extended time with her in new orleans that seems like a downgrade yeah or lateral boob if anything she was a warrior of women who smelled like rose talcum powder and cigarette smoke and had her own vocabulary hey darling get those chops from the box and i'll fix you lunch this is a one-woman show hark grandmother king play the uh the waffles music we called her grandmother king as children

at her request. But I changed her name to Grandlady when I spent extended time with her in New Orleans, in the Old Kingdom. She was a warrior of woman who smelled like rose talcum powder and cigarette smoke and had her own vocabulary. Hey, darling, get those chops from the box

and I'll fix you lunch. I can see the Bastille. I made her laugh with stories of college to the point where she would start coughing and mutter, I swarny, I swarny. I love to hold her knotted hands, knuckles swollen like marbles from arthritis, but soft as silk. What does this mean? Are you in love with your grandmother?

What is rose talcum powder and cigarette smoke? Soft as silk. she'd sorted many garments from those hands folded them and set them aside for customers during her days as sales matron at god show department store on canal street oh okay for decades her bones have laid and have lain and do you want me to play the song i don't know is it not doing it for you cemetery cemetery next to the bones of her husband george but i still hear her laughter yeah i see it dancing among the spanish moss and i still hear the echoes of i swore bro you are so freaking hard for your grandma it's disgusting get this out of here

uh sorry so sprung for your mother's mother it is out of control can i ask you a question yeah what does i swarney mean is it like i swear like i i swear i swear to barney it's sw i swear to barney everybody do their share we're she'd always tell me to clean up clean up see this is no good because i'm gonna start saying i swarmy now because it really tickled me i feel like we're gonna find out this is some like important cultural thing or get yelled at or something but to me i swarmy is very that's true of anything we post on the internet i found from this podcast i swarmy oh so now it's funny to laugh at i swarmy now it's okay to laugh at i Oh, you can laugh at Ice Warnie, even though I still hear the echoes of it crossing state lines and landing softly in my ears when my children make me laugh and hard.

I see you talking pretty liberally about Master Chief on here. After what he's done for you. After he finished the fight. After he gave the coveted back their palm. Master Chief is too much. He's too much. Oh, you think it's cool to make jokes about Master Chief after he rescued Cortana from grave mines. They took Cortana?

Isn't she just a robot lady? Yeah, but she got corrupted. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, big time. It was a problem. By grave mine? Cortana is kind of... How do you shoot a grave mine?

I think his name is Grave Mine. I could be wrong. I believe that is from Halo 2 or Halo 3. It sounds like it's Grave Mine to me. Cortana is Master Chief's mommy and his girlfriend, which is a really exciting thing for Halo fans. I've seen a lot of animations, sometimes on Tough Google. They'll show me.

I'll ask like cookie recipes. And he's like, you like this drawing I drew of Master Chief and Cortana? And I'm like, no, Google. Do you want to see some naked poo girls? Not now. Here's my gun. Want to Google Adol again? Come on.

You got a minute. You want to see a butthole? What, you get too good for Google? I won't tell you what kind it is. yeah it's like uh the the geolocator or geoguessor but for buttholes it just springs it on you when you're trying to work it's the guy from tiktok who could like guess any location who's just like oh that's my butthole um that's my friend john's okay close enough got it that's sean luke guitars all right uh let's get another quora in here we're really we're really out for the races now

yeah i also just want to say i really hated this person's answer and i think that she should just start a fucking blog i i liked it i thought it was a very colorful right we're getting to the okay so taking a step back one thing about quora that uh defines it along with not answering the question or speaking english the way that other people perceive is people unlike on facebook or reddit or twitter want to do long creative writing exercises in a way that is not available on those other platforms generally no although apparently not that to get into like fucking twitter discourse but apparently oh my god maybe a master chief apparently um elon musk wants to make it so that it's uh 4 000 characters instead of 280 characters per tweet and that will make twitter more like

quora i think that does seem like he's intentionally trying to ruin the website yes unless he is looking to hop over to quora.com maybe he should buy quora i don't know a lot about money maybe if you ruin a website enough they give you a different one could be how it works i think if you're that wealthy yeah uh by the way sorry i forgot to bring the ipad over and i can't read any of these oh yeah so continue to read me chorus i honestly fully forgot about that that's fine i'm enjoying this it's story time for me it's story time for alex it lets me focus on my gunshot sound are you ready for your next story yes dear all right sit down we're opening up the book and Today's book, today's story is, how do you feel after a 45-second pee?

Okay, now I've done this. 45 seconds feels like a long time. It is a long time, and it's a lot of pee. It's a lot of pee. Have you ever tried to pee in a car? Have you ever tried to pee in a car? No, I feel like I'd probably pull over and go to the bathroom first. Well, you would be right to do so, because I have not heard one good story about people

peeing effectively in a car. Apparently, truckers do it a lot. yeah into a bottle yeah they pee into a bottle so i've been in a long car ride where i've tried to pee into a bottle really okay you're full-on tried to pee in a car yeah and i overflowed the bottle and i was like i gotta pee on me a little bit because it overdid it because there's like more fluid in you than you could ever guess okay so how many people are in the car with you um i blacked all that out are you like alone though in the bottle rapid no okay so you're you're like you're not driving i think it's just me and my wife okay okay it's not i don't think i would

do this with anybody else in the car me and my homies like hey guys uh when you finish that gatorade let me know because i'm gonna fill it back up i don't trust my homies to do the right thing with me peeing in a bottle and that they would maybe mess with my pee and that could be a concern also maybe they they punch my little dick they punch my little dick now that i'm so weak i'm so weak and at my weakest without peeing in a bottle um oh anyway back to my point is there's way more in there than you think um i i yeah i mean yeah i i believe it yeah uh especially i and i'm not sure this is a nature nurture kind of question but um uh living in new york and going on the subway for hour-long stretches i can now hold in my pee for really staggering amounts of

time and by the time you let it out i mean we got a full like cow's head size bladder in there we're peeing out a full cow's head i've changed the board again it's fine we don't need it we don't i did it myself and again the delay is devastating every time but uh one time in college we were driving to um some upstate new i went to college in upstate new york we were driving some other upstate new york city and it's like all fucking farms up there and um so my friend had to pee really bad and he's like complaining the whole trip and there's nowhere to go and finally we like we end up in some town we cannot find a bathroom and he just like we're parked in like a church parking lot and he goes and he's like he's really mad he keeps being like i'm

set to fucking pee i'm so fucking mad about it so he gets up and he's like he's like that's the way only some men can only pee yes is if they get really worked up so he like he's just like i'm just gonna fucking pee in these bushes and he goes up to these bushes and he takes his dick out and then from like here we go 500 feet away so woman yells hey put it away get back in the car that's nightmare situation and he he got so bad he's like god fucking damn it and he like put his dick back and he had to get back in the car was he like doing it was this her bushes what the hell i don't know but she called him out she was like walking a dog or something god damn it and we we yelled that to him for three years you know what i mean like put it away get back in the car

well he uh he's a real piece of shit peter answer your question 45 second p feels like you are uh unburdening yourself from a dangerous uh status i do love a good a good long pee is good i say the first half of it feels like a uh like moving away from a hot flame and then the second half is pure delight eventually though it's like this is a lot of pee yeah no at some point at the end you think this is well darn do i have too much pee you think drink oh scarny that's a lot of p i think it was swirly swirly swirly i've already oh oh i swarny i swarny so embarrassing and i think it is i swarny um well okay let's read what this woman has to say she lives in brazil 2002 to present maria eduarda hoffman dorna okay

she says very satisfied taking a long p is so good for the body and mind fact emptying the bladder and not feeling worried on need to pee fact i even took a one minute pee when i was 10 year old and was so fantastic pee in seven seconds is good but do it in 45 seconds makes it really feeling more pleasurable enjoy the pee and the feeling of letting it out of your body sorry out from your body this is a perfect answer i understand that she lives in brazil english is probably not her first language but i i she only made it better it's a better she better fit into the quora community the message is clear have fun out there the message is clear do your best go in there hey take pleasure in your p yeah i even took a woman to p when i was 10 year old and was so

fantastic i can't believe she remembers a specific piece yeah that's impressive years old that must have been good most i one minute the entire a whole minute 60 second p it's like the austin power sequence yeah it is like that but i do feel like we agree on the p i think um the the release is really something the worst take the time explore a 45 second pee i will say on the flip side the the evil version of this is when you're peeing really long and you're like fuck i still feel like i need to pee and then you realize that you're dreaming about peeing uh that's the worst i hate that i wake up really easily to go pee because of the huge quantities i'm busting out Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You're just blasting piss. I swarney. Okay, I have bad news. What? Maria Eduardo Hoffman has answered 728 answers. Every single one of them is about peeing. Okay, all right.

Oh, no. Does that make it more or less likely to you? Oh, no. So this is not a real woman, then? This is a fetish. this is somebody else pretending to be maria eduarte a lot of these are about peeing standing up well that's a lie then being a woman have you ever peed into a urinal yes i did as a woman and keep doing and i use frequently the urinal at my college on hot days this is a fetish

all of these are about using urinals standing up into a urinal um she did answer the question do you i don't know what to think about that there there's a question do you like pissing on bathroom floor and she said no peeing all over is disgusting for me it's not appropriate since i live with my family so there is 720 answers that are like this is the greatest feeling in life another one that's like you're gross why'd you ask that all right this is um this is um a pretty intense one but uh do you have to spread your spread the labia to pee and she says yes when i'm peeing standing up and i'm a girl Jeremy is not that kind of podcast.

Now let's answer our other urinal question that we prepared. Maria. Why? Why you got to do that? I swore to Maria. Girls should get to experience the piss shiver that only guys have, according to Kenneth Albert. Sorry.

Stop reading the related questions. Go back to the ones we found before. I don't think we have any other pee questions. I didn't put in miscellaneous. There's one that's like if you – Oh, I found it. When you spit in the urinal and there's a string of saliva, do the bacteria have time to go inside your mouth? So the answers to this are scientific and not funny, but it is a great conversation starter.

Do you ever spit to the toilet or urinal when you pee? No. I've done it. Yeah? Yeah, and I've regretted it for that reason. I specifically remember. Were you chewing tobacco at the time? I was chewing tobacco at the time.

I specifically remember a time freshman year in college where I spit into the toilet while I was peeing and had this thought. I swear to God. yeah i think it's pretty common especially if you're third baseman for the mariners don't defend me no i think a lot of people are having this question yeah and the bacteria the answer is yes the bacteria will go it's time to move and they they've run up your fucking it's like lightning yeah if you're giving it an access to the ground it's gonna shoot up there the piss molecules they sprint up your saliva right into your mouth and and you uh then you'd be all bloody covered and piss mate yeah you get piss all over your mouth um i would say you get piss all over your

mouth and it goes right up there yeah that's probably and even if that's not scientifically correct it is morally correct it is morally correct don't do it um anoop sinha says vibrio is one of the fastest bacteria around if not the fastest this is what i'm saying it's full of doctors just be like many of my patients ask this question this is still weird because like the the studiousness of quora where they say if you if you see live vibrio under the microscope they seem to zip around like barry allen navigating through central city and there's a there's a picture of the flash and it says image from android red.com slash download flash wallpaper slash blah blah blah it's just like no one has ever asked you to source your image of the flash

i do need a new wallpaper do you want this one of barry allen the flash yes i'm gonna make it your wallpaper okay i'm not gonna do that it seems rude okay well i did ask you to do it but that's do you want me to i can make it this image that someone took of um the flash a man peeing at here if it's not the flash i don't want it jeremy i need to go fast they also included a picture of a bridge for one uh explanation and then they say that's a long bridge one of the answers is like well for starters your mouth is way more disgusting than the urinal is because there's a hundred times more bacteria in there which is like that's not what we're saying the p is grosser because it's p because it's from the no no that's like saying like would you want to eat chewed up food it's

like um you have all sorts of chewed up food in your stomach right now you sicko that's a great example thank you you're on fire oh baby um i like this one guy's answer he says i noticed no one actually answered the damn question so now i'm triggered everyone talked about how fast bacteria can swim hello we know a bacterium is not going to swim all the way from the ural your mouth and then it goes on to answer hello that would be a long bridge picture of a bridge included oh man could master chief spit um i'm trying to see if there's any other good answers it seems like they're all just Yeah, this is where doctors go in their break to this question.

Yeah, for real. They go to Quora.com. It's the most literate question on the website. All right, let's see. What else we got here? What else we got here? What else is on the board today? Oh, this is from a buddy of mine from college, Sam Catalano. Is it okay to warm up breast milk in the microwave? Get back in the car! Is it okay to warm up breast milk in the microwave?

So to start with this question, apparently when you microwave water and put it on plants, it kills the plants. So we got to wonder, like, can you microwave anything or is it all against God's plan? God does not want us to microwave things. He left us a little book full of his rules, and I don't see the microwave featured anywhere in there. So I'm going to say no. Give your baby a cold one. It does sound pretty gross. Why do you need to warm it up?

In what world? Yeah. Are you fucking warming up? Are you returning the milk to the table? Okay, look. First of all, we should say right away that neither of us have children. Right. And that we are fools in the world of babies.

But I know about them. I know about babies. Do you heat up breast milk when you give it to a baby? It comes out of a titty. No, but... It's already good to go. But some people do keep some, right? Yeah, they shoot those babies out.

They'll pump breast milk and then they save it, right? I think it would be doubly refreshing with a nice ice cube in it. We are the worst people. i've been a baby i've been a baby for like a long time i love the idea of drink a baby drinking uh a glass of breast milk with like a whiskey stone in it i'm imagining a martini glass with an olive with a baby going send this back that's like a back that's like if too cold if any producers of boss baby are listening to this we are interested and we have ideas we will write for boss baby i am learning about babies every day i know someone who i don't know him well but

like we were like facebook friends through comedy who like posted about writing for the boss baby tv show and i was like that's you know some powerful people oh yeah i know the boss baby he's a baby of bossing i guess they're like third three degrees of separation you know the boss baby you know a writer for the boss who knows the tv version who's probably not even the same one as a real no it's not the same you think they can afford the boss baby it's some knockoff boss baby alec baldwin regional manager baby famous murderer alec baldwin that is true he didn't kill someone right that is so it's very dark but it is very funny that alec baldwin killed someone and it was his film so it was like directly his fault and yeah well in a way where it's like well

you can't blame him for that oh he was in charge actually yeah actually you can fully blame him for it alec baldwin killed somebody oops and then he like one of the inner i thought it was a silverback gorilla i thought i was master chief i didn't have my armor i don't remember what he sounds like but i remember yeah yeah i got as close to him as he got as close to trump i feel like it's a draw that's true yeah we're taking shots at baldwin today you're not welcome on the show we're waiting for snoop dog i knew a kid in high school who used to always brag that his mom dated alec baldwin in high school flex which is a very funny brag yeah my mom dated mean guys in high school let me tell you my mom fucked alec baldwin in the back of his camaro um and then

his brother was a comedian and then he met alec baldwin was like do you remember my mom and he was like no oh my god well i mean it's alec baldwin yeah he's the boss baby both are true anyway what are we even talking about we're talking about is it okay yeah it's fine um there's all the answers are pretty scientific as well is there anything about how when you microwave water the plants die because i want to get to the base yeah one person says don't use a microwave oven to heat anything that an infant is going to drink this is not because the oven does anything evil to the nutrients but because it heats unevenly it's very possible to have some scalding hot liquid inside cooler liquid okay never mind

yeah i disagree i think it's evil i think it's satan's creation uh most people say yes they're like yeah who cares yeah fuck it burn your baby see if i give a shit i'm on quora boil that fucking breast milk into cheese this was not why i typed breast milk into quora i'm trying to find a fetish good lord if i'm the baby it's all right sometimes when i'm peeing i think about feeding a baby less than hot milk my grandmother died 15 years ago she was the kindest woman i ever met okay uh so yeah you can do that for a baby you can do anything you want for anything you want the baby is not gonna know that it's a problem they don't care they're so jaded put in a fucking martini glass they're only hot because they're deprived of sin babies yeah

Yeah, I agree with that. For real. What about the fucking Benjamin Button baby, though? Because he's a baby who's an old man. That is the exception that proves the rule. He's like an angel. He's like a biblically accurate angel. Oh, because he's an elder, but...

Some sort of young creature. Okay, well, that brings us to our next question. It's Christmas season. It is Christmas season. You lit up when I said that. I lit up like the very tree. This is from our... It's kind of the theme of the episode.

It's a Christmas episode. This is from our listener, Scott Olinger. I wish I had time to load up a freaking Jingle Bells onto this box. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. Rock. Jingle Bells. Rock. Okay.

How do I encourage my children to donate to President Donald J. Trump this Christmas in lieu of gifts for me and my husband? So this is a good question. I feel like buried in here is the subtle part of, like, they're not going to want to do that. Because if it wasn't a problem, you wouldn't ask the internet. Like, you would just be like, oh, just donate to Donald Trump 45, who we all support. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Equally. I don't want any gifts this year.

Just donate to a good cause, specifically Donald Trump. Parentheses. A hundredth world's richest man. um first of all always funny whenever anyone donates to donald trump and not even because of anything he does but just because he already has so much money he doesn't want to donate him money it doesn't make any sense give him a gift it doesn't make any sense he has the money don't give him money give him give him something he'd appreciate yeah give him draw him something send him microwaved breast milk yeah send him he would like that he would oh this is very fine donald

trump i think he'd like that that's my big political hot it's already get political this episode but i think he'd think it's sweet i know we're trying not to talk about our politics on this show but i think he would love some fucking uh microwave breast milk one of our main rules is we do not we don't talk about politics so when we talk about donald j trump yeah junior who who we won't say if he's good or bad some breast milk i think that he would like it as much as his father it's a great family and there's a lot in their blood um okay so yeah what are the answers online is it just people yelling at him for liking don't yeah what your sweet kids know that this year they're ignorant racist and clueless parents are going to donate their christmas present money to

the criminally insane to the criminal that should do it i mean i want to feel i want to feel bad for the uh 70 year old man writing this question except that like what did you think was going to happen you're just asking for is there anybody who's like let them know you are a patriot and they will understand um any supportive answers someone said start by giving them lobotomies which i don't even know seems impractical i don't know which side they're on um give the children lobotomies the children don't know to already do it so that you should give them a lobotomy if my kids didn't know that donald trump is getting my christmas presents i would cut off their frontal lobe

for they'd forgotten how to feel. One person says, you are a very kind parent and I admire you. First, you need to understand the rules of letter exchanges and gifts. Then sit down and explain them to your children.

By the way, I am a doctor. I have often thought about starting a pen pal exchange with a prisoner myself. What? Is this a different answer? This is not... That's got to be a related answer.

Oh, I see. Quora slips in related stuff. No, it's not. They're doing a... sorry my cut out they're doing a bit they're saying that he's it they're pretending that donald trump is in prison and that this is a prisoner exchange he's not in prison pen pal no he's not he certainly isn't he needs your help to make bail this christmas will you get donald trump out of jail this christmas send him 30 yeah i would say to probably give them a

lobotomy i'm surprised by a lobotomy and that's how they would do it i thought there'd be more like right wing nut jobs on um quora to be honest they probably just didn't find the put i mean it doesn't have enough of the like um red meat to bring in a conservative audience it has the red meat to bring in a literal that makes sense that makes sense in that you're mentioning christmas and they're at war with christmas we are i i love fighting the christmas war i'm in the trenches i hate that it's happening but i will fight until it's over i go to starbucks has won i tell them i say happy holidays at starbucks and i i break all the christmas uh cups that people are mad about oh come on man yeah dude i stomp on them the ones with the happy i'm at war there's casualties

last time either of us has been to a starbucks i don't even drink coffee god when now we're lying on the podcast is that what we do i'm a tea guy it's christmas next week yeah oh well this has been a great christmas episode it's time to ask our question yeah let's ask a question um so what are we talking about today we talked about let's ask a sensitive question about master chief because all the ones are about whether he could fight stuff can i also can i can i suggest an alternative and we don't have to do it i know as long as we don't have to do it i i know a surefire way to get a uh answer on quora whoa okay what is it we ask a question about peeing and we tag maria eduardo hoffman dordo i don't want to talk to marie i'm just saying i'm just saying i want to

ask how would master chief would celebrate christmas okay let's do it but no one's gonna answer my question again i'm i've been striking out relentlessly on here every time thinking i have a better one do you want to ask the p1 no no i i really don't is the thing i think i stepped outside of the christmas spirit to yell at you about your p question and i'm so sorry about that It's our Christmas episode. I don't want an answer to the pea question, but it does seem like a surefire way to get that woman to respond. But let's do, what's the question?

How would Master Chief? Does Master Chief celebrate Christmas? How about this? Who would win in a fight, Master Chief or Santa? But I wanted to ask one that isn't a fight. But I guess it's also fair to ask about Santa. Yeah, you should ask that one. We'll get all the answers.

All right, let's do it. Who would win in a fight Between Master Chief I'm going to say parentheses With armor And Santa Claus And Santa Claus Add question

Who can we tag in that Christmas fighting warfare And this also does seem like a Fiction prompt I think this is going to be huge for us Yeah this is probably going to be what makes the show When we check in two days I can't wait to look behind the curtain here.

Okay, I'm going to ask it. And then here's what we say to you. You can answer this question, but you must write the word scrambled eggs. I'm not going to get it until weeks after we read it. But yeah, okay, if you have to answer it, write scrambled eggs so we know. Yeah, we'll check.

We haven't gotten an answer to anything, so I mean, who cares? That's true. It does make us feel unpopular and bad at Quora, which is one of the worst feelings a person can have. Oh, well, all right. Well, we're going to get some good answers on this fight one. I'm optimistic about it.

I feel good about it. Who would win the fight? Can I ask you real quick, who do you think would win? I think Santa would win. I think Santa would use his magic to win. Santa has adamantium bones that cannot break. If Santa uses his reindeer to blind Master Chief with their red noses. Santa has more evasion magic and kind of just stuff

to not confront him directly in a way that I think would allow him the advantage he needs to dispose of him with a long-distance spell. I think that's completely accurate, and now I feel silly asking it because that's what all the answers are going to be. Yep. That's another episode of Quarators, motherfuckers. Motherfuckers.

Don't show up around here thinking we don't go on Quora. We don't ask those questions. And as always, you want to see a gun?