Quorators - Why Is Ed Sheeran Blind? w/ Jake Flores

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Comedians Alex Ptak and Jeremy Kaplowitz explore the mysterious land of Quora.com to answer life's questions. This week's questions include: Did Justin Bieber Die? If A Bear Hit A Human Head With Its Paw What Would Happen? How Do I Bathe My 16-Year-Old Son? ----- Follow Jake on social media @feraljokes Get even more Quorators @ http://patreon.com/quorators  Send quoras and qommunicate on our discord https://discord.gg/7pPYuKuYCr Watch the show on http://youtube.com/@quorators Come to Alex and Jake's stand up show in Bushwick on 08/11 https://dice.fm/event/rqwk5-paid-protest-comedy-show-and-dsa-fundraiser-11th-aug-silo-community-new-york-city-tickets?lng=en-US 

you've now returned to quarators the podcast where we curate quora and we ask what is quora and we're your hosts and we're alex and jeremy yo what's up dog what up dog Yo what's up dogs We were really spitting when we came up with What's up dogs A lot of people call their fans like the name of the podcast But we call them dogs They're dirty dogs

What's up to the dogs They're asking the real questions Where is my bone Stuff like that That's a little dog joke If you don't have a dog ask a friend But they're doing stuff like that. We have a great guest for you this week.

All the way from New York City. The Big Apple. One of the greats. Returning to the mic and host of the Pod Dem America podcast. We have the one and only Jake Flores. Jake, welcome to the show. Returning to the show for the very first time. For the very first time.

From all my dreams, baby. What's up? What's up, dog? Bark, bark. Oh! Oh, it's fun, though. I like it. Jake, you ever been on Quora.com?

No. I still kind of don't understand what's happening. I think you're going to love it. Which of our various side projects are we doing today? The one where we read Quora. It's just Quora. It's like Twitter, but it's Quora. Yeah, it's worse than other websites.

It's Quora. I was thinking about this before you guys came over, though, and I was making my little playlist alone on Quora for an hour and I was just like, I'm having such a better time on here than I do on any of the websites I go on unironically. I should just be on Quora more.

What would you post though? You can't be a part of it. It only works if you're looking at it behind the glass. Oh, I don't need to post. I just need to Quorate. You should creep on Quora. Yeah, I need to learn how to raise my son.

stuff like that we're gonna get into that today i want to be the first person like canceled on quora i don't think you could do it oh so the big thing we've discovered doing this show is jordan peterson is like from quora yeah it like launched his career yes he was like quora famous and then he wrote a book from his quora answers yeah that's so it makes sense when you think about it because you're like most of the questions on quora either like how do i clean my room how do i get my wife to shut the fuck up so like and then there's somebody who's like doctor here and you're like this person's a doctor and that's who it is jordan peterson he's like a master of doctor here please abuse your children more he is a masters in fairy tales or whatever

is a professional um okay well please take away your son's xbox no you cannot shower with your stepsister he's crying it is the breach of love um chaos tells us we cannot swim with our clothes on i forgot all about swimming with the clothes on and it's the dang summer right now i'm one hot doll my fucking audio keeps popping into that jeremy fix that have some professionalism here pull it in and you just knocked mine out uh no it's back it's back Did someone ask about swimming with your clothes on? We found out that it's a whole community of people who were like,

is it okay to swim with your clothes on? And then people were like, it's not only okay, it's encouraged. It's mandatory. Here's a photo of me, and he's like all wet. I just jumped in a lake. Yeah, it was like most things on Quora, you'll find it, and then you'll be like, this is kind of weird. Oh, no.

And then you'll be like, oh, no, because it's a fetish, and it's a fetish community. I tried to time that with, and then you'll be like, but it's really hard. I think it worked pretty well. It's easier said than done. And you'll be like, let's go. Pressing the sounds on a soundboard is so much harder than anyone will ever know. People are always like, why is it so hard for Alex?

I've had people write in like, just tell me where the buttons are. I'll do it. And it's like, they change. The buttons change because there's too many sounds. You have to remember all the colors and stuff too. It's very high stakes. Some of them are the same colors because there's four different boards here. And this is why it's not Alex's fault if he ever, like, kills a kid or something.

Yeah. It's a hard job. People don't respect it. That's what we've learned from reading the police chorus. Let's start with, and this is a crazy idea, but the quora question we asked at the end of the show last time. Our sole segment? All right, so, Jake, this is our only segment. At the end of the show, we write a quora together.

And at the beginning of the next show, we read the one that we wrote and see what answers we got. If you are a listener to the show, of course you know to use the words scrambled eggs in your answer. And that way we will know you are not a natural specimen of the website. This week's question comes to you from Lawson Leong. He asks, if you're Latino, who is better than Goku? Please do not answer if you are not Latino. no now i personally i cannot answer alex was upset that we put this part in i cannot answer alex was like we can't say that i i mean i i wouldn't be able to answer it i did send the

prompt and so i don't know where to begin i will say one of the answers from our listeners is hi not latino already so it's like all right well we can't read that sorry yeah and then one person ball sagging says yami yugi he could mind crush goku then prison shank him once unconscious or jam the millennium puzzle down his stupid throat what also enrique iglesias he could be your hero okay this person did not put scrambled eggs in there but i refuse to believe ball sagging is a natural quora user he's only he's only answering our question i'm pretty sure ball sagging is in Do we think it's one of our listeners? I don't know.

It was before the episode came out. Yeah. For whatever that's worth. I don't know. Who is better than Goku to you, if you had to guess? Is this an open-ended, like, anyone, or is it a multiple choice? If you're a Latino, who is better than Goku? And the qualifier to the question seemingly has nothing to do with the question?

Yeah. Well, it's targeted. Or is it like... We just want to know who is better than Goku according to Latinos. Just Latinos. Is it according to Latinos or is it if you are Latino and you happen upon a Goku who is better than him, specifically in the case, is he racist in some way? No, I think the question is if you are Latino, who is better than Goku?

Please don't answer if you're not Latino. Do you think Balzac is Latino? I don't trust Balzac at all. he broke the rules immediately he does follow you he follows you there's no way to be a listener i refuse to believe he joined october 2017 that's true he's had an account for a long time ball sagged please write it long time lurker here just yami yugi and he would kill him with his puzzle first of all no he wouldn't no he wouldn't what do you even say he doesn't have the oh he doesn't the puzzle right he has the little uh pyramid one he's saying my character has a large necklace so

he could choke goku with that and it's like i guess if you hit it in food but in any kind of eat your large uh ball of dough goku with a mysterious object there's absolutely no pills in there have you ever do you have you seen the show or the like the social media feed foos gone wild oh i think i followed that one a long time ago i've dropped off the foos verse though it's very good and what they'll do is they'll just like have some guy who catches like video of some guy in the wild dancing and he'll look a little bit like like um rick james or something and it'll be like ricardo james yo they'll just make him a cholo so i'm assuming we we catch like footage of a guy doing karate and it's gofu oh okay he's got like the high socks and stuff yeah that was

that would probably be even better than go that seems like it would be yeah that is the question i fear latino at least gofu is far superior i think i unfollowed that account because it kept showing me like really intense fight videos at eight in the morning and i was like i cannot keep this up some of them you're like it's not this is not okay for me to be watching right now some of the fight channels are like here are two women fighting to the death you know do you think it's funny and it's like not really jesus christ yeah that's like when they like on America's Funniest Home Videos there would be like a video of someone

trying to blow out their birthday candles and then the entire room lights on fire and then Bob Saget's like well that was wacky huh it's wild how much a sound effect could do for a video of someone dying you know like if you have a video of someone like driving off a cliff and you just add like a

it's like immediately a little bit funny now it's one of America's funniest home videos that was GoFu new sound effect from gofu i do have a boing here somewhere but i have no idea where it is and i'm afraid to find it nope well let's start our first question we've got some great questions for you today jake you're gonna love them what's our first uh segment we're doing here okay quiz course quiz course which is i don't know if any if you guys have nope not that one damn it it's the hardest job america's finest before we started recording i went out of my

way to find this sound okay it's the quiz cars politics segment has jake and alex ever discussed politics on a podcast this will be a first and an exclusive is that the question no oh although someone did ask a question on quora uh they they asked who would win a fight between me and jake not me and jimmy and alex uh-huh was it ball sagging it was ball sagging first time uh writer long time listener uh people really got into it we can go into that another time or something so i thought this was an interesting prompt and kind of a test for the this is actually an amazing question uh really gives you i so i've started finding questions just by putting in uh suggestive keywords and under barack obama you get a lot of stuff this is really good this is just an actually

good question this is a good question and it's telling and the question is would you rather have white barack obama or black donald trump as president new character black donald trump we're not allowed to say what he's like but that's it that's just that's what it is also barack obama already half white so there's a lot happening i don't i like that it's not like who would win in an election so who would you rather have do you like this i made you a drawing it's white barack obama black donald trump also like the idea that like if you made black uh if you made donald trump black like it wouldn't completely change his entire life considering he's like an insane racist it would make him more powerful than ever before i think that is the implication

is like what's donald trump's one weakness being white i guess the question is like is he is he is is he born black or is it like he wakes up one day and because of a spell he has a frieza style transformation where he emerges he's like oh no it's like a jim carrey movie yeah yeah exactly he still has the same personality from before the same thing is like bigly etc he's got the same hair um i would say i'd want them both to be president just have them work it out i would love to learn about black donald trump i would love to go to that universe and just look at it do you know they used to have this is a not fun uh derailing already but did you know they used to have uh when you like ran for president you could just like

take the other party's loser and be like this is the vice president now that was i thought that was just the original rule yeah that was like until like you know the third president you were like the president's butler if you lost but did it work because they hated each other like fucking john adams and and jefferson that happened with why would you like having a very angry powerful politician who is just like spurned and kept as your lackey improve the workings of government i think we should bring that back who do you think would be the vice president if they ran against each other and one of them lost.

I guess you'd have to know who lost. Black Mike Pence. He's probably saying stuff like, oh, heck no. Because he doesn't curse. He's Mormon. Is he Mormon?

Is he Mormon or is he just white like that? He's just white like that. Oh, okay. Well, it is confusing, isn't it? Romney is the Mormon one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Well, I regret saying, hey, Mike Pence, you are not Mormon. Also, what is up, dog? i want to get that all right uh top answer yeah uh julie brand says obama two exclamation points all of her answers are about donald trump she's even looking searches for donald trump and then just says like she doesn't care if he's black all the questions are like do you think donald trump is good and she's like no she's answering quora questions like it's the end of ocura just

screaming on a motorcycle uh any important um yes analysis uh angela birch was a ba from pepper dean university graduated 1974 says i don't see why the color of someone's skin has any bearing on the issue finally yeah donald trump it has nothing to do with race it's not about it's about being great what are you doing on quora if you think like that uh barack obama ran an honest non-corrupt administration because of his character and intelligence not a thing to do with his being black donald trump ran one of the most corrupt administrations because of his lack of character and lack of intelligence not a thing to do with his pale skin well i don't know about all that i would rather have the honest non-corrupt intelligent president no matter how light or

dark his skin is obama angela birch you win the internet today good man so it says we did have an orange guy for a while oh yeah i like this is hey it's not a political podcast what if donald trump was black instead of orange oh looks like pumpkin seasons changed if you leave a pumpkin out does it become black has become like a brown rotted pumpkin um if you left a pumpkin out for like 18 months it would be a black pumpkin oh yeah why not i don't know well we'll remember that at the end of the show well they do like really collapse in upon themselves they lose structural integrity very quickly and that's something i've noticed from many halloweens yeah as my family was often loathed to remove the pumpkin it's an extra chore to remove the pumpkin

gotta get your candle out of there though oh that's still good all right candles for next year we must end this pumpkin room okay we have more politics questions i know i just like the person who was just like donald trump rock obama have nothing to do with race i would like to hang out with black donald trump i think it would be interesting that sounds like the most fun human alive i agree and i kind of think it would be funnier if he turns black if he wakes up one day and he's a black guy and he's just like i don't know what happened he's the same but he says for real more he's trying really hard to like get into it He's leaning in.

He's an ambitious young man. I was president, now I say for real. I can't do Donald Trump. Oh, interesting. Jerry Seinfeld's watching this? That's fascinating. Black Jerry Seinfeld, you said? Wow, what a cool character.

And then it cuts, and we've all changed. And there's no more. Did they cut 30 minutes from the episode? um okay marine says uh i would rather have mickey mouse as president instead of trump if he didn't want to run then i would have president obama as our leader mickey mouse first you would have mickey mouse first yeah first of all mickey mouse is like a famously honest and like an integrous character he has great integrity to him he has great upstanding character and i'd love for him to run the united states like i thought when you said mickey mouse

He was going to be like, she's going to be like, you know, Mickey Mouse, you know, obviously wouldn't be good, but I'd rather have Mickey Mouse as our president. But if he doesn't want to go, I guess Obama. Run, Mickey, run. Mickey's got to run for president. We need a candidate with steamboat experience. Yeah, we need a president who's a rat. We need a president who's going to run the country like a steamboat.

It's a damn shame how we've changed the boat of our country. Okay. Let's see. Anything else over here? Let's go to our round. I don't know. i think it's getting too heated jeremy i think we gotta change the question it's too he can't talk politics it's getting black white red green blue or zebra striped i'd rather have an

intelligent educated experienced level-headed mature thoughtful empathetic law-abiding honest decisive and downright cool president everyone on this is like a hundred years old it rocks it is like an older group of uh people for sure i don't care if you're a purple thing is a very old person thing. Was that like in a song in 1978? I've heard so many people in the boomer generation just say that off the cuff. It's like a famous quote.

They also always pick purple. Green or purple, right? That's what they say. What do they know that we don't? Where are these purple people? I think you can be kind of green. I think you can be kind of green. I will not be elaborating on this, but I think some people

are green. Open your eyes. I'm pointing at the camera. That wasn't for anybody. These are the answers that need improvement, according to Cora. So one guy says, I would rather have black Barack Obama. Not one of the answers. We are really getting into.

That's just weird to say because he's already. That's an odd way to address a black person that you know. Hello, black Carl. We are getting into the core of the website, which is people not answering the question you asked. this one says needs improvement but he says white obama wow like that's the only good answer on here wow not black donald trump not getting a lot of votes on quora i'm surprised um all right let's read another one quora has a big white donald trump area okay uh this question is

wouldn't atheism just increase the crime rate because of the lack of fear of hell i'm rubbing jeremy's shoulder it scared him but i did it anyway i think it scared me so wouldn't atheism i think you jumped a little baby you know you jumped out your skin just from human touch now wouldn't atheism just increase the crime rate because of the lack of fear yeah yeah what do you mean wouldn't honey wouldn't atheism like just what didn't like does it already exist though well i think the idea is like well if atheism exists well you want to believe in god for crime reasons because if you don't then everyone's going to commit crime and so this is somebody who's like i'm thinking about not believing in

god but i'm not sure i can like sure stand by the crime rate that will cause so this is so So outside of old people, this is the second demographic on Quora, which is confused children. This is a child, I think, who is just like, can I be an atheist? I don't think I can. I could be an adult Christian. Yeah. Because sometimes they just get the Internet kind of late. You know what I mean?

Like it just dropped. Sure. Yeah. They got an office job. Yeah. I guess I'll go on there. Would black Obama approve my lack of faith? what would black donald trump think of this crime rate

um well i would say that atheism yeah i mean yeah it would it would increase the crime rate and atheism was real it would increase the crime rate i think what christians do think is that like the reason we have crime at all is from people who are like just ignoring god right so yeah uh yeah people think that also just like there's people i think who are like the one thing holding me back from killing everyone i know is that i will get in trouble the most religious people are like in jail usually yeah and then they come out and they're like i have a guy who keeps me from strangling again yeah it's just like it's just people who are just like i don't want to go to permanent time out which will happen if i kill my wife even though it would be a lot of fun

It's very much they're, like, telling on themselves. You know when people do stand-up and they do that thing where they're like, you know how we all want to kill somebody? You're watching and you're like. I don't think it's all of us, dude. I'm glad this person found Jesus. Anyway, yeah, I think the answer is yes. Yeah, the answer is yes.

That's the one thing. If faithism, yes. Okay, so. Most of the answers here are just going to be like, how dare you ask this question? dare you oh rust cole gets a shout out in this from true detective oh i love that guy he shows up and he's like oh i better drink a beer about this one yeah uh here's a good answer fear of hell didn't stop al capone hitler torquemada and other murderers who's torquemada yeah You do not know who that is.

That's just his homie. Shout out, Torquemada. You a murderer. Tomas de Torquemada. Oh, he's got a great... He's the main antagonist of the 2009 video game Assassin's Creed 2. Is that a real person?

He is a real person as well. For some reason... He killed a bunch of Jews in the Spanish Inquisition. Killing spree. I like that. for some reason google was like you know the guy from assassin's creed well he did do that though at least he was real he's got it it's not like saying like the arbiter or something it's like

this was at some point hitler and the arbiter was al capone a god-fearing man i don't think so that doesn't seem like it i don't yeah i would i would be pretty uh i would be surprised if he was big into religion you know what i don't know nearly enough about al capone i'm gonna sit my white ass down yeah that's right because he's italian um who would you rather vote for president black or white al capone jewish that's maybe too far black trump funny black hitler yeah needs work under answers that need improvement we have black hitler um i don't want to hang out a kanye song anyway folks uh it's 2012 um i am no more likely to commit crime than any religious cultist cool

atheists are a small minority of the prison population these are all just like pretty basic like reddity answers atheists are a small minority the answer really is that all these people have nothing tying them back from killing politics is just so divisive these days all right i gotta just turn the tv off sometimes i think that's all of our uh politics questions for today unless there's any i want to see the answers that need improvement because those are always a little bit fun but um i always is a delicate word always um this one has a tongue sticking out emoji 15 times and then it just says moron.

Come on. That's not how we act. That's the best answer. That's not how we act here. It hasn't stopped sacrilegious republiars yet. I've never heard that before. It's not good. Yeah, it's a bit of a mouthful.

Because it doesn't make any sense. All right. Let's go to Quinsletown. Jake, we want to take you to Quinsletown, Our famous segment of who's in Hollywood's lights and what they're up to. It's Quora's biggest questions. These are the questions that are up in lights. They're under the Hollywood sign, and they're going to kind of tackle the celebrities of today.

Dick, you're moving to Hollywood. You're going to need to know all these questions. I got to ask you before we get into it. Who's your favorite celebrity? Black Barack Obama. Great answer again. Okay, here's a question I think we can all answer. Why is it?

Say it. Why is Ed Sheeran blind? Why is Ed Sheeran blind? When I started reading it, I thought it just says, is Ed Sheeran blind? But then I realized the why in front. Why is Ed Sheeran blind? All of these questions have like a premise attached to them that isn't true. It's called the world builder.

Latinos. Why is Ed Sheeran blind? Please, only Latinos. Ed Sheeran don't know a thing about the man, so I guess I will speculate as the reasons how one could become blind drinking paint. Sure. The two things I know about Ed Sheeran

is that he wrote the song Shape of You. He's in Game of Thrones. He's in Game of Thrones? Yeah, he was in a really bad episode last season because of Ario as a fan. Yeah. They just threw him in there. He's like one of the knights

that just takes off his helmet as Ed Sheeran. Is it like, quickly we need someone to sing a beautiful song and he sings a song he's like a bard he sings a song with aria that show fell the fuck off yeah i don't know i heard ed sheeran was in the they open the door and ed sheeran comes out and starts clapping that's beautiful um well i guess if you have mon he should sing a song yeah i heard that you We did an episode about poppers on our podcast last week. I was reading about them, and apparently if you do too many poppers, you can go blind.

Oh, okay. So that is a real way Ed Sheeran could be blind. Yeah, maybe. Popped off too hard. He could have popped on too hard. All of my ideas about drinking the wrong thing. Sure, paint. Paint, paint thinner, turpentine.

He could have gone bathtub gin. Sure. He could have gouged his eyes out In some sort of like Greek myth way Yeah some Oh yeah A great sorrow

A great sorrow propels him Sex with his own mother Yeah Then he realized it Oh and that guy I killed At the crossroads Oh no It looked like an old version of me

And then he you know He kind of pumped rock He did that It's like really gross He gouged his own eyes out Yeah If you're listening Don't do that

All the children to listen to Quarriors. We do not think it's cool. Maybe the average audience listener is older than I am.

I bet if you gouged your eyes out you would listen to hella podcasts. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, it would probably be like

TV to you at that point. You'd probably have heard all of hardcore history because it's now Game of Thrones. We're just like

we're discovering the idea of blind people. As if like gouging your eyes out makes you a different kind of blind. why is everyone so mean to ed sheeran i get like just regular general he's like a pop star stuff

but he's like the new bieber in that way well but he's it's like people are very mean to him about the fact that he's a musician and he's ugly which i think is unfair yeah thank you that musicians are all hot it's ed sheeran susan boyle those are the big two he's not even that ugly is he but there's that picture normal looking people always get mad that like there's like a picture of him i think with like beyonce or something and beyonce is wearing like a whole like lady gaga style thing yeah and ed sheeran's wearing like jeans and a t-shirt and people are like this is what the patriarchy is what i don't want to blame ed sheeran for that i don't think just because he's ugly he was in that movie yesterday he's like a main character in that

movie the movie about the guy who invents the oh he invents the beatles that one really pissed me off conceptually did you see it no i didn't see it it made me really mad but a guy who wakes up in a world where the beatles never exists i saw this okay so i was on a plane and i was watching the movie someone else was watching in the row in front of me because i was bored of my own movie and it was that and i was like what the fuck is i going on i didn't understand now i get it there's a guy who has heard the beatles and then he's in the world without the beatles and then he plays some of the hits in 2018. Doesn't anybody want to hold

my hand? And somebody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's good. I don't know who Jude is, but here's $10 million. I mean, that's the beginning of the turn of when I was like, boomers have made too many movies. They're just drunk with power at this point. I want to make a

movie where I wake up and I realize that I'm the only person who remembers Marc Maron's WTF podcasts and I just re-record every episode. Alright guys, lock the gates. This guy's on to something. He knows what he's doing. You re-record every episode for profit or because the world

needs to be balanced? The world needs it. They need to hear me make up with Louis C.K. Yeah, talk about your divorce and play guitar. That's going to save a lot of men. Anyway, I don't know why he's blind, but I'm dying to find out. Emma says he is actually not blind. He tweeted

you know i'm actually meant to be wearing glasses i'm blind as a bat but i believe this is an exaggeration and not he's saying wait what and not he's not saying he's actually blind he's not saying that he communicates via echolocation against popular appearances it sure is not a bat he is a human man he's a human this i guess this must have been a big thing like five years ago because people uh there's a bunch of questions about him being blind like a lot of people are asking about why he's a good answer from pat shoe as he says who knows but his eyes are really weird his eyes are weird his eyes are strange and he might as well be a bat he looked like a rick and morty character

um he kind of does look like a rick and morty character huh their eyeballs don't match up yeah Oh, yeah. He's kind of the first Pickle Rick style musician, isn't he, in a way? You might say. Well, that's enough about Ed Sheeran. We have a lot of celebrities to cover. It's not all Ed Sheeran all the time. This is another good one.

Similar question. Did Justin Bieber die? Is this an accusation? Who killed Justin Bieber? I don't know. I don't think so. Well, he could have been replaced. A lot of people think that pop stars are replaced, which I always like.

Is that part of, like, a QAnon thing? No, that's pre-QAnon. They just are like, oh, that's not really Samuel L. Jackson. That's in, like, the fun old conspiracy theories before everything got so damn political. Before everything, before white Barack Obama and Donald Trump. When you could just think that, who was it, Andrew W.K. was replaced. There were five Andrew W.K.s. Yeah.

I guess speaking of the Beatles, there's that whole thing of, like. Sure, Paul is dead. Paul is dead. and it was the effort it would take to have killed paul and replaced him seems like the payoff and then they just like get too lazy to replace john lennon also all of it whatever right yeah that guy we gotta keep paul around um yeah um i hope he's not dead although that being said apparently i read recently that um the government was keeping tabs on john lennon like for real yeah but um because he was like

left wing but then they realized songs could they decided that he was too much of a druggie to like actually do anything and it's like whatever gives a shit well that's very funny the beatles documentary thing that's just three hours of them with footage from the 60s or whatever it's very much a look into just like this guy's high as hell all the time his songs are all like made up words that string together and it's like would you mutting go with me tonight they're like that's good you've done it again john thanks for showing up four hours late somehow you still make all the songs um okay is justin bieber dead is he dead now please read the answer i've quoted for you ashi says uh hell no as i'm a believer i love him with all of my heart and i know i mean we all know

he didn't die i don't want him to know believer does but everyone has their time and we all respect that is due to the fact we where he is right now married to hb he's been crying and arguments going on and not nice things as well and we all know when selena gonna be back he's gonna go to her so lol we're going to a different side now so justin bieber is not dead he is not dead that was a lot of words he is not and that was written by black donald trump ashy ashy shout out to ashy you're probably a child and we're all moving on yeah i guess i shouldn't dox ashy i mean it was four years ago maybe she's a beautiful woman now anyway moving on uh let's see what we got here were tom holland and zendaya really caught kissing

in public this is two years ago what do you think they are now dating what do you think jake were they really caught kissing in public uh diet tom holland do you think those two could ever square off they're dating now right yeah but were they ever caught kissing in public who is tom holland spider-man he's spider-man he's one of the spider-men he's like the new spider he's also the short uh uncharted guy yeah which is like if you watched if you were playing uncharted and you're like this guy's too tall it's kind of a good out for that but he has those great like small guy bodies where you get like kind of jacked and you look like you're just built like a house well he's a gymnast it it shows jeremy does his own stunts i like tom holland i like him too i

like his girlfriend zendaya i do like them both on a bonus episode we covered extensively how you to get a girl like zendaya but uh we didn't learn how though we we didn't learn how and we don't know if they've been caught kissing in public i don't think they have i if i were them I wouldn't kiss in public. No. It's too... Yeah, sell that shit. It's too gross.

They have kissed in public. They have not been caught. They're still at large. There's wanted posters of them kissing. Okay, and then the top comment is a picture of them. But they're in a car. So is that like in public if they're kissing in a car? Oh, that's a great question.

Also, a terrible kiss. Tom Holland looks all confused. Don't judge their kiss. They're in a car. Don't judge their kiss. it's awkward to kiss in a car how dare you you have to be like Fonzie to kiss someone in a car

yeah that's true you have to be Henry Winkler they're kissing in a movie all the pictures are just them kissing in a car that's also not in public that's a camera that is going into someone's that's pretty fucked up

space it has been my perception that like that whole like era of celebrity is like very much not into like being a sexy celebrity gen z gen z like is very much just like hey i'm spider-man and then i do my nine to five and go home like yokich i feel like isn't diane not like a classic celebrity i feel like she is no she's a celebrity but i think she like really keeps it clean she keeps it this is my perception tom holland is just like a weird we are three guys who are in the know and i think zendaya does it right i'm gonna go ahead and say

tom holland's a himbo come on you ever see that interview with him where he was like spider man he said that he wants to buy a building and be a landlord who's good he's like i want to be a good landlord i did see that it's a very funny thing to say he could be the first one we're all doubting him until he's really cool i thought it was sweet because he's just like got a tub he's bringing you checks every year? He's like, everyone's bad at these landlords. What if I just be a good one? He's good enough to know that it's a bad thing to be. Yeah. Dumb enough to

think that you could just be a good landlord. He's like, you could just buy a building and make the rent really cheap. What if I just fix the pipes real good? I said, have a nice day, and I just left you alone. Yeah. He's looking at his landlord thinking, I could fix him. Do you think he has a landlord? No. Spider-Man famously does. He definitely owns because

he is a Hollywood celebrity. What if you put in a service request to your landlord and then it was like can you fix him? And it's a picture of your landlord. Oh, yeah. No one's tried that. A way to say why don't you take some time to work on yourself? Wow.

That's huge. Hollywood is so exciting. Starring Zendaya and black Donald Trump. Dude, three. A classic odd couple. Okay, let's go to Cora Gone Wild. This is our animal segment. Hold on. Sorry.

There it is. thank you for a gone wild put our minds in space now this one long tiger it's not ha ha funny so much as ha ha i'm learning about wildlife and uh the question is if a bear hit a human head with its paw what would happen um it would hurt what do you think it would explode it probably would explode so i read the question hoping it would be something like your head would pop off and you'd die, but actually there's different

kinds of bears and different bear solutions. Black bears are pretty chill. They're chill, but what would happen to a human head if a bear hit it with its paw? It would explode. Right, so needless to be said. That's what happened to John F. Kennedy. If you're watching the YouTube video, please

pay attention to these bear claws because they look quite different from one another. These are not the bear claw. There was a second bear yeah back into the left okay uh let's see it depending on the bear sun bear you'd be in a lot what the fuck is a sun bear i had not heard of a sun bear before can i go water bear do i have permission would you you have permission to put sun bear into coral i had not heard of a sun bear until yesterday you heard of a sun bear yesterday yeah the sun bears are in the news so the sun bear

same story it's just like it looks like a black bear but it's got like the wu-tang logo on its chest oh huh so it's for the children no it does though i don't know if this is just one specific sun bear but it has like a wu-tang look or or um it looks like nightwing it's got like a necklace or a bib that's so cool man it looks like it's got a big chain on the grizza maybe it's just like a fucking yeah that's good that's content i'm going through all of them in my head old Dirty bear stirs. Dirty bear stirs. Fun.

So silly. Anyway, if a sun bear hit you, you'd die. No. Okay, so you'd be in a lot of pain. You'd more likely survive than die, but not without injuries. Black bear, most likely outcome, you'd be bleeding to death. Unless the animal happened to be a cub, you ain't coming out alive. Okay, can we please, before we read all the grizzlies.

So every one of these bears has different claws. And I think looking at the pictures this man is posting, that the sharper the claws, the worse you're doing, except sun bear's claws look a little bit sharper than the black bear's claws. Well, I think the thing about it

is that the black bears just aren't that strong and aren't that violent. Like, grizzly bears are fucking jacked. Well, they're just large. They'll just punch you in the face. They're less jacked

than they are just like really big. No, dude, they work out. They go to the gym. They're big, big bears. And they're even smaller than polar bears who are the biggest bear. Have you seen that picture

that zoo in china where there's like a bunch of photos someone's making the argument i think that they have a bear that's actually just a guy in a bear suit saying he's a bear that's pretty cool yeah i would i would go to a zoo for the first time in years to see just a guy in a bear zoos are conflicting because i want to see the animals but i feel really bad they're stuck in the zoo the whole time that's why i'd feel better about it if it was a guy because then it's just like watching an improv show i've seen that before this is a human zoo there's so many people who trained in improv without jobs and it's already a problem to keep the animals put them in the zoos give them animal training wow you're a macaque two birds with one stone which i probably shouldn't

say about zoos but what you get rid of the animals they're free yeah you're now employing stones at the bird man or we'll raise charity money with it if you like found like a shitty theater actor and told them like we'll pay you like you know x amount of money a day to pretend to be a bear you ever been so into it you know what i mean they'd like research it they could jack off in public they'd go to parties like what do you do for a living you're like i'm a lynx i'm the lynx i'm the lynx ever heard of me people love my i jack off in the zoo the zoo is also mostly about jacking off and everyone always acts so amazed by it it's like of course the otter jacks off all day it's in a zoo i saw an otter suck his own dick one time in front of a bunch of

people yeah cool they do it but that was just a gay guy it's easier said than done uh anyway the grizzly bear will kill you it was nice knowing you buddy he says it was nice knowing you but what about a cocaine bear okay but that's a grizzly bear so it was just nice knowing you buddy so i've wanted to put all these claws on our youtube page and now i have uh let's see it depends what sun bear very nasty scratch so this guy just does the same thing look at that big fucking hand from the grizzly the thing is men are so eager to bear splain do you it's true they cannot resist a prompt like this um this is a moose the fuck why are you showing me a moose this is pissing me off is there a question about the moose no no this is the same bear question

This is just a picture of a fucking Russian guy who's befriended a bear. Right, so that's no good. All right, move on to the next question. This is a picture of Jeremy Allen White. From the bear. The actor from the bear. Sorry, bad joke. Hacky.

Okay, on to Quarantink. Thank you, bear. This is our... Thank you, bear. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Quarantink. No, that's the... Quaranting

That's enough That's our parenting segment Okay that was the parenting That's enough It's the sound the parents make It's not a train Children can't be trusted on the train As a New Yorker

We all know how children act on the train It's so true They're animals That would be under the freaking animals That would be under Corrigan Wild how the questions about children on a train. That's one stretch we have not done on this show. Answering the parenting sections under the animal format.

Okay, how do I bathe my 16-year-old son? All right, assuming that there's nothing wrong with your son, that he's not injured or there's nothing wrong with him. I think we have to assume he is injured. Do we? yeah but we have to assume the person writing this is not just a pedophile which is probably what it is because it's quora there's no good answer to this because i feel like if we if we do it the pedophile route people are gonna be like well what if he broke his legs well that's

why we have to do it from the leg breaking one and you need a sponge on a stick that's really what it is and you have to close your eyes the whole time also like you have to put your hand in front of your eyes what if my son broke his arms and legs at the same time or he you know what could you train your own 16 year old son to wash his body with his feet he just breaks his arms there's a question yeah you could could you could you how do you train your 16 year old son to wash his entire body with his feet it's between this and the pumpkin one at the end okay um so yeah it's with a stick that's how um now if we are reading the answers and they turn into love stories let's shake our heads sure this is a dangerous area to be on a quora

because a lot of the questions are core are just like what would happen if my stepsister wore no clothes yeah you're like don't talk to us if i peed on my mother am i in trouble um there's a lot of bathing ones too i feel like it's a large portion of the website so you have to go in with caution there's something fucked up about like perverts who want to be writers too you know I mean like the people who are like I want to jack off but I have to write it first like well they also sounds like someone wants you to write yeah it's extra creepy it's

baiting you into writing something for them to just watch porn but on the other hand it is a community prompt which is very wholesome it's not porn haters yeah this is not porn haters this is a different show porn haters that's behind the paywall yeah you gotta pay

five dollars for porn alright let's see Sarah Moore says well my love Oh, this is behind Quora Plus, so this is probably someone saying you can't bathe them because it's illegal. It's worth reiterating, Jeremy did ask for listeners to send him porn videos with funny comments. That's not true. He specifically requested. I can't read this whole one because it's locked behind a paywall, but it says, Well, my love, you don't if he is healthy.

I enjoy helping people with anything that I can, as well as the other wonderful people who answer questions. My advice for the sake of getting an answer that may be hurtful, unintentional, just honest. Let us know if he is incapacitated, injured, or disabled. My father was diagnosed with semantic dementia as his daughter and caregiver. His safety priority was... And then it fades out. And then there's a gun sound. So this person's like, don't do it in court.

He's like, you got to pay if you want to read that. Let's get to the real answers here. So a lot of people are saying don't. Yeah. A lot of people are saying don't bathe your 16-year-old son and just have a dirty 16-year-old son. But this person says that he was bathed by his mom when he was 15. So let's read that one. Because this is real-world experience.

This is by Joe Daddy. He turned out normal. He's on Quora. This is from Joe Peterson. Same as my mom did when I was 15. I got really sick, lasted for a couple weeks, and I was very weak and had no energy. My mom had to bathe me a few times. Just fill the tub with plenty of warm water, help him get undressed, and walk him into the tub and let him sit down and lie back.

Just wash him with a wash rag or something. And, yes, you're going to have to touch his genitals. Not a big deal. Extra thick! All right, I feel like I just read porn, so. It's not a big deal. Why are you downvoting it? You don't have to do that.

Doesn't he have working arms? You're judging him, and it's a judgment-free zone. uh so a lot of people say don't a lot of people saying it's not a big deal if we go to um the answer it always comes down to if you go to their robot see what else they're answering because if you go to joe daddy guess what it's all pretty bad although he is anti-predator yeah he did answer a question that says how can i compare my dick to boys of the same age and he wrote in all caps WARNING PREDATOR ALERT

he was just announcing that he was entering the room oh god here I come uh yeah there are a lot about uh about little dicks um alright I can't read this

we can't judge we're not here to judge Joe daddy that's not why we're here uh everyone else is just like you shouldn't do that as scientists we must observe him everyone's like just tell him to take a shower why are you doing this okay uh we got another good one after this you gotta pull this one okay it'll be good okay uh how do i get my 15 year old daughter to go to school she refuses to get in the car to go to school she said her eyelashes won't curl she already has me wake her

up three hours before school so she can do her makeup she will scream she will scream how much time do you spend bathing her too much I guess because she will scream

you gotta just take her to school bud just get her in that car just do it you in charge aren't you the parent don't you just get the gun out just put the gun on the table

let her let her bathe herself you don't want to go to school and then you just drop the gun how do I bathe my 16 year old son show him that piece

get in the bathtub I'm not going to tell you twice it's school time you dirty girl yeah she's taking too much time on her eyelashes and that is a real

trouble for 15 year old Why does she? We've all been 15-year-old girls before. We've all been 15-year-old girls before. Why does she get ready for three hours and she doesn't then want to go to school? I don't get it. She just wants to sit around with her eyelashes curled.

She just wants to scream. She likes the screaming. She's like a vampire. You have to invite her into school. I'm picturing her like one of those old women who just curls her lashes and watches Matlock for eight hours. Don't make me go to school. I'll scream.

I got to look my best for Columbo. um yeah so don't make her go so the question is how and we said gun for some reason she will scream she will scream it makes me feel like she's like a femme fatale like a noir i'll scream don't get near me it's a slapper like don't make me go to math class this is making me realize i'm missing a lot of sounds damn it get a hold of yourself you've got algebra It's 6 a.m. You only have two hours.

The top answer is from an elementary school teacher, and she says, record her acting that way. Tell her you're going to forward to the school administration. So immediately, he's just like, punish her. Film it. Oh, no. Light her ass up on TikTok. We can't do that one.

That's in trouble. We're getting in trouble for that one. That one's over. That one's got to be replaced. It's a good song. It's a good song, but we get in trouble for it. We get in trouble for it. They will come after your ass.

Then they'll do an episode of Serial about you. Yeah, exactly. And they'll do a whole thing about how we're guilty. We're low-key guilty. Look at them. They're low-key guilty. Didn't Adnan Syed got out of jail, right? He did, I think, yeah.

Remember they tried to do more seasons and it just wasn't the same thing at all? No. They did one about, was it Bo Bergdahl? Bo Burnham? They did a Serial season about Bo Burnham and how he's inside. I regret it. Why are we even talking about cereal?

He grew up over the pandemic. Isn't it weird? He has a big man face now. Can a young boy write a comedy song on YouTube? I'm Sarah Koenig. Is it okay to have white guilt? Is it okay to make a song about being gay if you're straight?

How do I wash my 16-year-old son? My 16-year-old son. bow burn him i'm deleting that sound you'll never hear it again it's so good though is this the godzilla blast that's enough in a way in a way it is all right never mind that was extra fun because i you made godzilla appear in my head and then godzilla said that's enough there it is it's so loud this is not a real godzilla

you are driving not a real godzilla you are safe from godzilla okay uh anyway if your 15 year old daughter doesn't want to go to school just film her and shame her just show her a camera or a gun um audrey says another teacher let her know you're

turning off wifi all internet and cable when you leave she will not have her phone all day nor tv she'll be bored and frustrated enough that she will undoubtedly want to go to school the next day all these teachers are like you gotta take her phone that's what i do i have a drawer i put them in a drawer and my students bring me an apple at the end of the day and sometimes there's a worm in it see this is the thing is someone says she may be having issues at school so like talk to the teachers and it's like locked core plus real answer you must pay to find out what to do with your daughter punish your

child we're all parents here we're all parents here and i just love my kids so much i actually have to have a 16 year old boy with broken arms you watch and i have a girl who wants to do her makeup and stay home i have a child named black donald trump you know there's a bit of you're kind of like uh suggesting his life go through a certain path naming your child Black Donald Trump. It's a beautiful name. I don't think it's right.

All right. Do the next one. This is also a quarter plus one. You're addicted to reading all the answers. You're addicted. Sorry. All right.

I'm sorry. Please. I just found out my grandson made a gun-friendly OnlyFans page. I'm not sure what that means.

But should I ask him about it since he's only 19 and curious about his sexuality? Yeah, you should ask him about it so he's 19 he's curious about his sexuality he has a gun themed only fan page his grandmother has found it immediately he cannot wash himself which means i think he's promoting on facebook yeah that's true hey i know you a lot of you are looking at my pictures well

if you want to see a little bit more uh you can bring your heat over to my only fan i would fucking love to know what this kid's only fans page is i would want to see it is it okay is it all right and this is gonna upset some people what is it the kind of sex video that does exist and i do not promote it or have seen it but there are where's that one person has a gun where one person has a gun like the seed for the sopranos like the sea or it's really like a janice oh yeah janice yeah like janice that's a great example yeah we don't have to make it about porn it can be about important television program, The Sopranos.

I feel like it's also a fucking scene in that show. That was cool. I feel like it's in a few Twin Peaks style films. David, whatever his name is. David Lynch films. David Wayne. You know what? In the 90s, it was all about taking a gun out and then getting it

on. You know, there are a lot of weird scenes like that in movies where one person has a gun during sex. Why is it never like both if you have a gun and you're just like double detention. You know what I mean? May I introduce you to the film Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

Oh, do they fuck with guns to each other's heads? Relentlessly. That's awesome. I think they put them down for like a second, but then they immediately pick them back up because they're both spies. Jake. And it's Brad and Angie.

They bring the whole family in. Okay. I stand corrected. Good for them. They bring the whole family in. is it i have a question yes jake do we know that it's a sexual only fans because only fans was before it was like 90 porn yeah it was like you can be a magician on here or whatever is he just showing off his guns on only fans that's possible that's gun friendly it doesn't say it's a gun only fans it's gun friendly so it might it might not even include guns it might just be like hey if you want to have a gun while you jack off to me that's cool you would jack off

With a gun to the computer screen. Elvis. Why not? Like a modern Elvis. Oh baby, I'm gonna boss. That's our character, regular Elvis. Another thing about my grandson. He's white.

He's white? From the Elvis movie. I'm not just saying that. He's white. It's a movie about white Obama. That movie rocks. Yeah. No one's going to vote for that man.

You don't understand, Colonel Whatever. He's white. He is half white. What? Damn, we're not doing snow jobs. What? He was a snowman in that movie. He's a snowman who does his snow jobs.

All right, let's make this. Hey, check out the Elvis movie. Not really Quora related. I like that movie. I couldn't make it through, man. it was too long. The gun club says is he an amosexual?

I hate that answer. And that's a bit of a gun pun. It's a bit of a gun joke. And then someone else says he might be ammo curious. They're just having some gun. Are those not real things? I will say the gun club also said, another person from the gun club,

this is posted in the gun club. I think. So someone else said at 19 he's an adult and can pretty well do what he wants, but what do guns have to do with sexuality? But what do guns have to do with it? Well, if he's amosexual. That's... And then there's people saying, like, really shitty

jokes, and there's a guy putting... There's a cartoon of a gun in his... Alfred E. Newman putting a gun in his underwear. Alex, when you're editing this, that picture is in one of the comments, so it's going to take you a while to find it. Is that his name, Alfred? Yeah, his name is Alfred E. Newman.

Yeah. I don't know. No one has cleared up for me at all what is happening with this guy's OnlyFans. Show us the OnlyFans. Oh, we haven't done an OnlyFans Quarters. No. But you can't. Can you go on? I've never been on OnlyFans.

You have an account on there. I made a hand turkey account where I do different hand turkeys. Really? Yeah. When I was promoting Theater of Delights, I was trying to get people onto my hand turkey OnlyFans. So I made it free, and I would do a different kind of hand turkey every day. And I'd be like, look at this little slut. And then it was a big hand turkey.

The issue with doing OnlyFans on here is that, like, isn't it all behind a paywall? Some of them are free. Yeah, you can make a free one. Some of them are free, but you're right. That is going to be a big obstacle there. Did you get us the most expensive podcast premise on Earth where you subscribe to a million OnlyFans per episode? That's a business expense. I'm just reading the posts.

I'm trying to see if they're funny. End of the year when you do taxes, you're like, we spent like $60,000 on OnlyFans for our small business. But did you get followers for your hand turkey account? Yeah, I got a few followers. It was a real who's who of who listens to my podcast and has a lot of OnlyFans subscriptions. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. People have been saying they want us to start an OnlyFans.

People are horny for Alex. It's because my feet show up from time to time. People are just horny for Alex. They want my little piggies, and I keep them in the barn. Gross. You know what? I haven't been to my celebrity foot finder thing or whatever Kath was on. I don't know if I have one.

But the problem is that you're, A, not a woman, and, B, we pixelated them. Yeah. So they might not be on there, but people are begging for the uncut. I just don't think I've had a proper OPSEC about this until now. So I think they are around somewhere. It's true. Hey, if you're listening, go find them. Do you want me to get this ball rolling, dude?

They're out right now. Oh, yeah. No, no. Get away from them. Those are the money makers. Jake is trying to take a picture of my feet. Okay. Do we have any more?

That might have been the last one. All right. We should ask a question. I kind of thought that was a good one to end on because of. No, it's a great question. What if my grandson, he has sex with a gun? He basically has a Janice Soprano themed. We decided it's a Janice Soprano themed OnlyFans.

That's got to be what it is. I don't know what else it could be. Unless it's just a gun collection, as Jake said. Only mags. Now, Mr. Jake, we must, that's not anything. We must end the show with a question as we do every week. What is your question for Quora.com? i forgot the one okay earlier the one we had was about bathing a 16 year old or the pumpkin

why doesn't anyone want to talk about pumpkins i think they're really interesting the reason we get to the pumpkin one is because although this is already going to have come out by by the time of this episode's out or we'll have done is that this is the question we're going to have to read at our live show so if we start the live show we go what if a pumpkin was bad people will be like this sucks no it doesn't suck though that's where it comes from opposite angles people will be like this is really good by the way thank you for coming to that live show oh yeah it was so much fun remember the pumpkin question oh what a night we had blew my gourd

um what was the 16 year old has there okay what about um Is there any way... They'll just be able to rewind. Child president. My uncle is child president. I feel like what we have learned about Quarrior's questions is that they have to start off

in the middle of another sentence and be like... Would you vote for black Donald Trump? Yeah. There's some crazy premise already in action. If Chinese people existed... Yeah. You know what I mean?

yeah something like that sure i'm gonna i'm gonna say this week we're edging out of the racial i was hesitant the first time you don't want to do who would win between jewish hillary clinton i don't even know it's a good question but i think muslim donald trump it's it's the one it's the one that the uh the the head haunchers don't want us to ask wow it's so true i'm trying i'm really stuck on the pumpkins still and so i'm having a hard time breaking out of there oh um would you subscribe sure to okay my are you gonna say pumpkin themed only fans i was gonna say i knew there wasn't gonna desperately this is the most difficult it's like a pilgrim on a computer Are people sexually attracted to pilgrims?

Why not? Okay. There you go. That was a sentence. Put that in there. And that's what we're reading at the live show. Why are people not sexually attracted to pilgrims? Why aren't you sexually attracted to pilgrims?

Jeremy, just figure it out. In the meantime, I have to say, Mr. Jake, thank you for coming on the Quarators podcast. it's been a thrill quarreling with you where can folks find your work and your art thank you Alex also thank you for having me on your show and letting me dance

to your good theme song wise to book me week before I am on your show I will be on what the fuck is it called again paid protest I just blanked out for some reason I made myself nervous

I gotta make the flyer for that today paid protest live at silo silo in bushway tv show the dsa benefit stand-up comedy show i'll be doing stand-up on next week on august 11th be careful if you go they won't let you out 8 p.m they will let you out do not listen to jeremy he's just trying to get booked right now he's acting a fool i try to get booked on the show i want to be able to escape it jeremy caplifu is trying to get booked don't believe what they say about the silo they don't let the piggies out the barn there okay so yeah that's a good plug and uh plug and yeah the live show already happened so we don't have to plug it anymore and hey bark barked all the dogs out there and to all the dogs we gotta

say what's up i have more plugs though sorry please do it we'll save that again never mind september 2nd at ridgewood uh at tvi in ridgewood tech i almost said texas september 2nd at ridgewood at tvi and ridgewood queens i don't know why i can't talk right now it's very early in the morning this is a hard uh plug segment to follow i gotta say it's very early at 12 47 in the morning i'm going to redo my plug september 2nd at tvi and ridgewood queens me and jamie peck have a show called the woke mob that's a crazy live weird comedy sketch thing show we're making and come check it out. And you can leave that one.

You go to it. You can leave both of them. You're not stuck at any show. They won't draw you back in with the eye. Okay. Do you have any other events you'd like to plug? No, I forgot how to talk, so I'm done. All right, Jake is on the Pod Damn America podcast

starring Jake Flores. Oh, yeah. Special guest, Andrews Lee. Every week you ask him back. And that's going to be it for all of us here at Quarters this week. And we've got to say, bark, bark. What's up to the dogs? Arf, arf.