RAWTALK - Harland Williams on the Dark Side of Hollywood, Partying w/ Cher & Lizzo & His Biggest Career Regret

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

Sponsored by: Prize PicksUse code “BRADLEY” & Make your first $5 line up & get $50 whether you WIN OR LOSE!https://prizepicks.onelink.me/ivHR/BRADOn this week’s episode of RawTalk, Brad sits down with Harland Williams and talks Wild Hollywood Stories w/ celebrities, Why He Takes Penicillin Instead of Vitamins, His First Big Break on Letterman, Working with Jim Carrey & much more!Hope you enjoy, see you next Tuesday!SUBSCRIBE HERE: https://www.youtube.com/c/REALRAWTALK?sub_confirmation=1LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rawtalk/id1294154339FOLLOW RAWTALK PODCAST:INSTAGRAM | https://instagram.com/getrawtalkTIKTOK | https://tiktok.com/@askrawtalkFOLLOW BRADLEY:INSTAGRAM | https://instagram.com/bradleymartynSUBSCRIBE TO RAWTALK PODCAST CLIPS: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvzSBNBOK599FqzrTZS8ScQ/?sub_confirmation=1SUBSCRIBE TO LIFE OF BRADLEY MARTYN: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWTQG2aMDYKGDqYEGqJb1FA/?sub_confirmation=1SUBSCRIBE TO FITNESS CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/bradleymartynonline?sub_confirmation=1RAWGEAR: https://www.rawgear.com (CODE:RAW)

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just represent i guess that's a health thing for me because i like you know the stuff that that uh people just see donuts like on the surface but they don't realize the the value in them the nutrients the nutrients the wheat the triticali the i thought maybe like the dopamine hit oh that too that's like kind of yeah even though people like live off of that high and it's really actually detrimental it is very yeah I

yeah yeah well so how long have you been how long have you been in the industry in entertainment uh in entertainment I guess I've been in

uh wow since the 80s different dude honestly I feel like most like the best movies were 80s the 80s movies yeah

like Hollywood was in its prime just overall. Like I want to say any specific movie. I just think when I think about movies now, it seems like and maybe it's just because I'm an older guy that it's just like they're just regurgitating the same sort of storylines

that have been done before. Yeah. And not a unique way at all. No, it's just like redo and, you know, remake, reprocess, retard, re-re-re-bake, whatever, you know, know they're just it's just the same thing over and over what was it what was the favorite your favorite thing

you'd ever been in uh wow i don't have an answer for that because every single movie you do is sort of like its own little diamond in the rough so it's its own little adventure and uh so i i don't uh i don't favor one over the other i sort of uh i look at each one of them is a little piece of gold in my life, you know? Which one was the most gold, though? Ah, same question, different format. I see what you're doing. Well, then you had to have, like,

let me answer it the same way. Maybe what was the most fun to film? What I had the most fun on might have been sorority boys? Yeah. With, you know, where we had to dress up like girls. And it was just because the cast was so much fun. like that was like an original like humiliation ritual Hollywood humiliation ritual

what's that mean it's like when they have you do something so they can hang stuff over you and be like you know we made you do this and I'll do that not sure what you mean yeah yeah you know how like I guess I want to I want to ask you your perspective of Hollywood

like before you got into it yeah was it what you thought it was going to be when you got into it yeah pretty much it was just you know the concept of having fun doing movies

getting to step into false realities and act out and and there was no real agenda except for you know entertaining yeah and having fun

and creating characters and fulfilling scripts and it was it was a it was sort of a more innocent time do you think it's the same way now no I think it's the same way now uh no I think it's more agenda driven and more political and more businessy and uh it's it's not quite as

fun and innocent as it used to be i don't think not that there isn't still some good stuff put out but i don't think it's uh as much as it used to be yeah yeah definitely it feels that way yeah even as a viewer yeah you're just like why why is this in this movie why is this like political angle here why do we have to like see it it's interesting yeah i'm with you on that one my guy you did so wait you did was was half baked yeah was with chapelle right Dave Chappelle how was that how was working with him Dave uh was it was interesting he he's uh sort of in his own zone uh was there with him working with him having laughs but he's uh he sort of kind of has one of those kind of He's sort of looking beyond you a little bit, you know, not in a mean way,

but he's just, I think he's, he's always thinking of other things ahead. Yeah. So you're sort of with them, but not with them in a way, you know? Like you're not talking about when you're on set filming the concepts or filming the movie, you're saying just like in conversation? Just didn't, in general, general aura to me was that he was a little more sort of here, but also it also felt like he was like looking down the road past you

and not to be mean or but just either he was a deep thinker or he was just in a haze one or the other but that was the perception I had interesting yeah I wonder if that's kind of like how a lot of like super successful people

end up being again I yeah I don't know what would how the wheels were turning in his head whether it was something intelligent or something stupid or something in between. I don't know, but just my time spent with him, it was, um, it was, uh, it was there, but it wasn't super, you know, wasn't super interactive. Yeah, I see.

But, uh, it was still, uh, fun and we had a great time and made a, a silly movie. Yeah, that was a fucking classic. Yeah. People love it. Like to this day, still a classic. Yeah, classic. You see, you get residual checks from all. all those movies?

Yeah. Is that one, which one gets you the most, do you say? Most residuals. Boy, that's a goodie. Um, I think maybe something about Mary

because it was such a big hit. Huge. Half baked wasn't a monster hit. It was a cult hit, but it wasn't like a huge, like. Yeah, something about Mary.

That was, that's definitely like a, like a top 10 movie people watch now. Yeah. it's just a treat so yeah do you like hollywood uh yeah i i like i like uh there's sides of it i like and sides they don't like you know there's there's the sides where you can uh see a dream and come here and fulfill that dream hopefully and then there's a side to it where it's um like any place it has a darker underbelly.

Yeah. And, you know, don't really like that side of it, but what industry doesn't have a dark underbelly, really. Yeah. I feel like that one seems like it has like the darkest one, though. And at least it has like the most stigma around it where people are like, oh, it's, that's sketchy. Yeah. Yeah. Is you think that's true?

To an extent, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of, uh, A lot of, uh, dark stuff that goes on, you know, because you're, you're creating a lot of influence. You're creating pop culture. You're creating influence that spreads all over the globe and yeah, um, some people have, uh, have good intentions and some don't. So it gets, uh, gets tossed into the mix. Yeah. Did you, do you have any personal experiences with like weird shit going on in Hollywood? Probably the weirdest one I had is I'm one of these celebrity nuts

I hang around with a lot of, you know, I like to rub shoulders with a lot of the celebs. Like I'm one of these like, I call it a party popper. Like I love going to like celebrity parties and stuff. And I was at a, it's about three months ago right at the start of the summer, I was at a hot tub party with, uh, yeah, unbelievable with with share and uh barry manelow of all people you know this guy the guy i guess he flew in from Vegas and uh everyone sort of wandered off to the buffet and me and share

and barry were were in the hot tub and you what a fucking weird ass trio i know right that's so strange and shares got her fake you know breasts and they're just floating on the water like two loons looking for a home, you know? They're just floating around. And Barry starts whistling. Like he's a singer, but the guy starts sort of whistling. Have you ever hear a song in the Copacabana? And it's one thing to hear him sing it, but the guy was whistling.

I don't know if he was jacked up on margaritas or minestroni soup. I don't know what he was into, but the guy's just like, I don't know if I can represent. yeah such a good song you know and I'm just it's about an 11 minute song no he didn't whistle the whole thing yeah he did

this is what I'm going on of no you're fucking trolling me no no this guy and it's it's I think a stairway to heaven's the only longer song there's no way he whistled this guy I'm telling you was jacked on Pimento juice or melon water.

I don't know this guy. And he was a little tipsy. And Shares' boobs were just floating like two loons looking for a lagoon. And, you know, I'm just sitting there and I'm almost like, is this for real? And then

do you know Lizzo, this singer, Lizzo? Yeah, the overweight one. Yeah, well, but putting it kindly. But she's stumbling around with a plate of shrimp poppers. Have you seen these things? like deep fried shrimp she got them from the buffet table and she sort of buckles under her own weight and wait wait wait wait wait wait she buck what do you mean she buckles under her whole weight like her knee went out no her she rolled her ankle and she's got a pile of shrimp poppers

about the you know the size of a mini mount kilimanjaro like she was into it she was hungry and she rolled her ankle and just stumbled. Have you ever seen someone do a cannonball? Yeah. She, I'm not kidding. She, and you could see her coming. It was like because she was almost,

she was over at the buffet table. Here's Manila whistling cabana. Shares breasts are floating around like two canoes looking for a way home. And she rolls her ankle. Shrimpoppers coming down like a hail storm now. There's no way this happened. Oh, yeah, this happened. I don't believe you.

You're fucking trolling. She starts rolling. Do you remember Raiders of the Lost Ark when that giant boulder starts? We're sitting in the hot tub and she flies in and Manilow flies out. No, no, no, no, no. Lands on his back, still whistling. Fuck up. Unreal.

Bro, shut the fuck up. There's no way that's a real story. Well, you can look, Google it. No, it's not on Google? Read it. What's your guy here? Damien? Google Lizzo Cannonballs Manilow.

There's no way that's a real stuff. It's there. Lizzo Cannonball's Manolo or Shares Hot Tub Loons. Look for that one, maybe. No, it says there's no public information connecting Lizzo with Cannonball. Well, it wasn't only three months ago. I told you that there she is. See if it says Lizzo Shrimpoppers are way into Shares Hot Tub.

that's there. Is that there? No, none of that's there. You just made that story up. Dude, I'm telling you. Look for Manalo. You made that up on the spot. Manolo breaks spleen on shares cabana. I'm impressed that you made that up on the spot, that you decided to incorporate all those figures. Well, that was impressive. Well, I'm just telling you what I, you asked me about a Hollywood story. Now, there's no way. I want a real Hollywood story. That was a, you made that That was impressive, I will say. Well, that was very good. Sometimes Hollywood stories

never get out, but I'm trying to share. Yeah, if it was, that's what I'm saying. If it was on TMZ, maybe. I guess. Yeah, it's not on there. Yeah. It's okay. I'm surprised.

Huh. So before you got into Hollywood, like, movies, did you write comedy? I never wrote comedy. I just did it. I never write comedy down. Ever. I'm sort of against it.

Yeah, I've never written. down a joke. I don't like to write it down. It's too clinical. So I just would conjure up jokes or premises or concepts in my head and bring them to the stage. Your whole career was like that. Yeah. So just kind of winging it. Winging it, but, you know, with a side of planned, you know. Where's the planning side of it? Well, the planning side is that, you know, I know I'm going to wing it. Yo, yo, you're fucking,

stop fucking with me. That's just what I said. Wing, you just didn't reverse. Right. But then earlier, you reversed it on me. Yeah,

but it was, I was trying to get the same, I was trying to get you to answer the same question in a different way. But I did a double rebound, uh, yeah, Zop with Camel back flip right back at you.

I saw, I saw, but it's different, though. It is different. It is different. So, So you never actually planned any of your comedy. Even when you're in the movies, it was like,

you had a script, though. Oh, yeah, I always deliver the lines from the script. But a lot of my movies, I would either just go off based on my instinct or directors would ask me to just go off. I see. Or I would go off without permission because my comedy instinct was like,

you know what, I know there's something here. I just got to let it out and deal with the ramifications after. You improv most of your stuff. Not most of it, but a lot of it. I don't disrespect the script or the process of the material or the writers or the directors because that's not a good thing to do.

You're sort of ignoring what you're there for. But what I hope to do is maybe add something that benefits it, improves it, or supplements it in a way that it's something they never saw and they like it. Improving from the script. not improvving from the script but just improvving from instinct like reading a line maybe the line's like hey are you going to the store and something in my head goes hey are you going to the store watermelon teeth or what i mean like it just like things will come and you just you can't

say no to them you can't deny them because your comedy voices watermelon teeth just put it out you know you just have to say these words you gotta say it watermelon teeth yeah wow where'd that one come from that's what I mean that just you still think about Lizzo huh you still think about Lizzo oh god that was so scary

you're lying about that bro you're lying you're lying you're lying but it was like you did have me in the first half but when you brought Lizzo with the in the cannonball the shrimp popper the shrimp popper in the cannonball and the you know the

she rolled like the remember the big Boulder and Raiders of the last arc and Harrison Ford's running I mean when she went down she's a big girl I'm not make I'm not fat shaming her but she's fat yeah she's fat yeah she's fat I mean I think I saw she was rolling I saw a tramp stamp

it said Gigantor right right in the back right above her ass crack yeah and she was rolling and the the paver stones were cracking underneath her and all rolled up she's almost the circumference of a good hot tub. The circumference of shares, I think, is about 12 feet around. Yeah. And balled up, all balled

up, like a walrus, Euros. She, like, she almost fit right in. Yeah. And Manilow, he flew up, and good Lord, came right down on his spine and still whistling. Still whistling. Still whistling. It was crazy. I think you listen to that song on the way here. wish. God, you don't hear it enough. I love that song. I'll make love to that song sometimes. You make love to that song. I'll go out to the Bluffs out in Malibu. You ever go out to Malibu to make love? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll go out to the bluffs on a full moon and on a full, it was full moon last night. Yeah, I was out last night. I was out

there with a chick, some beef. And we made, I rented a Mustang, a Yellow Mustang at Enterprise. Was it a convertible? Convertible. And we made hot Malibu love to Beth by Kiss. You know that song? Beth, I hear you call in. And here's the kicker, but I can't come home right now.

And it was right on that line that I. Did you came? That's amazing. Well, I'm not going to say it. Right, right, right. You made love. You're making love. And then there's that moment.

You pick your moment to achieve. achieve. Yeah, yeah, to finish. I can't come home right now and wow. Yeah, I get it. I get it. I feel that. That's pretty good. Yeah. And it was interesting. I looked up my, you know, your eyes fluttered and I looked up and the Concord was flying past the full moon and they don't even fly them anymore. So I don't know if there's something going on in, in British Airways or the UK, like something really covert. Maybe aliens. No, this was the Concord. Because it tilted and I saw the and it just you know who knows

I don't think they say the Concord doesn't fly anymore I saw one I was making love under the Malibu moon just my body glowing like the metal

on the edge of a knife and I looked up and God there goes the Concord I can't come home right now it's almost poetic

really yeah where do you like to make love where do I like to make love yeah depends where where I at. Let me when I'm home, you know, in my bedroom. Your bedroom? That's pretty, pretty vanilla. Waterbed or what kind of bed? No, I thought they water beds are like gone, gone.

Well, I'm just asking. Do you have you ever made your sign? What's my sign? Yeah. I was just like, are you trying to date me right now? No, I was wondering if you're a water sign because I would explain why you have a water bed. I don't have a water bed. First of all, I don't have a water bed. Well, you look like you do. I look like I have a water bed. I look like one of those guys. You look a little seasick. Really? Yeah. Hmm. I'm a gentleman. I'm a gentleman. I'm a Yeah, what does that mean? Salad bar. Salad bar.

Salad bar. Salad bar sign. What the fuck does that mean? Well, the Gemini's were like a sheep, right? I don't know. They love their greens. What? I have no idea of idea of that shit. I'll be honest.

Okay. Well, then we better just move on if you're not into it. Salad bar? Well, every, every Sagittarius sign has their thing. What's your sign? I'm a Scorpio and they say desert. Okay. Or they say water sign, but yet it lives in the desert.

where there's no water so i think they got that one backwards you're samuel put his hand up are you are you a scorpio what day the 14th yeah i don't know what any of that shit means though me neither and no i'm not looking to date you i'm not i like girls like i told you i just made loved uh last night out in malibu to a piece of sizzling beef on the edge of a bluff with a concord flying by You know, it's interesting, too. Like, Matt... Go ahead. No, just out in Malibu, you have so many celebrities.

There's all kinds of celebrities out there. And Michael J. Fox has a Malibu home. Did you know that? Stop. I didn't know that. I can assume so. Yeah. I know he's done well.

Well, this is the irony of life. This chick I'm making love, do this. sizzling beef, we're on a yellow Mustang, and she's one of these gals. Have you ever remember the gal, and they can't really get there without a, without a toy, an aide? I see what you're saying. So this gal pulls out a vibrator, like a purple vibrator about yay long. This is last night.

Last night. Okay. So, betta here you call. She's got, she's working herself. She's a squirter. she goes off this vibrator goes flying out of her hand twirls through

the air this thing's humming flies through the air Michael J. Fox is out on his balcony he grabs it and he goes still I just settled the Parkinson yeah he just went completely still so that's almost like a cure

I don't know if it's a cure but this vibrator flew through the air he grabbed it somehow and he just went completely still and I don't know if that's science, if that's physics, but wow. Sounds like a little of both. No one's seen him still in years.

Dude. I hope that guy's okay. I hope so too. Maybe this is, maybe it's the start of something. But the vibrators sort of offset I guess his vibrations and if it wasn't for me and my

love making ways, maybe we're on to some kind of a cure. Maybe. Yeah, no, for sure. They wouldn't want that cure out there, though, I don't think so. In Malibu? Just in the general. I think it cures a cure. Have you ever had an ailment?

Like, it's real sickness, polio or SARS? No. I recently cut off the tip of my pinky, though. How? Was just putting a dirt bike on the back of a truck. Nothing cool. Oh, my God. But yeah, this is the real story.

I actually cut out. Yeah, it's not good. I'm going to stitch us out tomorrow. I'm excited for that. Did they find the tip? Yeah, we brought the tip, and then they kind of stored it weird. then they couldn't put it back on because they said it wasn't enough

and it was like two, you know, one of your farthest extremities and they were afraid that if they put it back on that it would have died because it was so little. Oh, wow. But it's still enough.

Like it cut off this much of my shit. Are you circumcised? Yes. I don't know what that has to do with my pinky. Well, it's just familiar territory, I would think. Oh, just cutting a little bit off. Well, you lost the tip. Yeah.

I see what I see you're trying to draw the lines. I'm just trying to provide comfort. Are you circumcised? nosy what nosy what does that mean well you're asking me about my manhood

you just asked me about my manhood well you answered like an idiot I'm not answering you wouldn't answer that I'm not talking about my weiner I just told you just asked me about my weiner well you answered yeah but you asked me though

I know but you shouldn't answer I mean I don't care you stepped in it guy you wouldn't want to answer that I won't talk about my weiner even though I just talked about making love on a bluff You just did. It's not.

It's not adding up. You could close your legs. It smells a little. Sorry. Getting a little ripe over here. Yeah, yeah, fair, fair, fair. Fair. All right, boys, quick and work for the podcast.

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Sometimes, you know, it's a little bit challenging. Maybe your mind somewhere else. You're thinking about, I don't know, I don't know, Bill. Something else is bothering you, something out, maybe than drinking off water. I don't know, that's another issue. You've got to work on that separately. You should also be making sure you're drinking off water.

But if you want to be, you're drinking off water. But if you want to do it. want a boost in the bedroom. You want to have a better time. You want to make sure you know, you're, you know, add attention and go to RUG in right now. Use CodeROT talk to get 50% off your first order. Again, that's RUG-I-E-T.com. CodeRaw Talk. Let's get back in this podcast. So how long have you been doing podcast shit for? Oh, podcast. You know, I started, I was one of the first to do them. Really? When the audio podcast hit, I was one of the earliest guys in the game. Adam Carolla and me, and then I think Mark Maron jumped in.

I think we were the first three, but I think Carolla was first, and I think I was right behind them. The audio, it was audio only back down. Years ago. Years ago when podcast first emerged. It was like 10 years ago. More, probably 15, 16. So Adam was kind of, me and him were kind of in it around the same time,

but he was in a little before, and then I think, Aaron. And then a lot more guys started doing it. So I did an audio podcast to Harland Highway for 11 years. Didn't make a dime. Just did it for the love of it. Lost money doing every episode, but I love doing it. And then I just burnt out. I hit 11 years and and it was, I was doing it three, four, five days a week sometimes. And just talking about what? Just random shit? I did a lot. I had a library of characters. I had a whole bunch of characters and I would literally phone myself on another line and interview myself as other characters. And so it was a whole library and I did over a thousand episodes. And then I finally hung it up. It's fucking impressive.

Yeah, I had a riot doing it. At all these, you know, I'd have George Michael would call in from the UK and I had a crazy military guy and I, Michael Jackson would call in. I'd do all these characters and just I'd jump back and forth and do both voices. And I loved it, but it just sort of exhausted itself. And so I just stopped doing it for a while. And then folks, friends of mine, started inviting me on their YouTube, you know, like Bobby Lee and Santino. And I started to see this new world of video podcasts like we're doing now. This is video, right?

Yeah, yeah. Those are cameras? Cameras. Yeah, right there. these are cameras those are cameras yeah we do audio and video holy god yeah and uh and so what i did is i like you know what maybe i'll jump back in to the new realm of doing it on video and uh i've always been a very visual guy because i've done stand up and movies and so this added a new element to my my podcast the harland highway you got to run back the calls say what

now you have to run back the calls you should do the calls again do them sometimes every now and then i'll attach one to the back end of uh i'll say at the end audio only portion and i'll i'll add a call here and there just because i love doing them yeah super fun so where do you where how do you create most of your comedy if it's just like improv and you don't write things down uh it just uh it just churns like uh like inside of me it's just like a nucleus that burns and it just, it's always there. Have you always been that way? And it just comes out whenever it wants.

But have you always been like that sort of person your whole life? Yeah. Even as a kid. As a kid, yeah. They're like, oh, this guy's funny. Yeah. Not everyone thinks I'm funny, but some do. And so, you know, I just, it's just a thing that burns inside like a, like a scientist burns science inside.

Or like Lizzo being hungry. Oh, Lizzo. My God, have you met her? No. Oh. I'd love to interview her. You probably, it will. It'd be fun.

Yeah. So what I'm getting at is when you were younger, before you got in Hollywood, is really my question. How did you find your way there? How did you find your way to Hollywood? My path to Hollywood was, it's going to sound cheesy, but it was sort of preordained. When I was a kid, I knew I was going to end up here.

How did you know that? It just, my voices inside told me. Not in a pretentious way, not in an egotistic way. I used to skip school when I was a kid in grade. Well, when you were, so let's go back then, though. You were a kid. What examples of Hollywood were there? Well, I grew up in Canada.

So we were sort of removed from the American entertainment world outside of viewing. it. It was, you know, when you're a kid, you never ran into a celebrity or, you know, there weren't as many Canadian celebrities, but. Definitely not in Canada. But I was, uh, I was entranced by the industry and I used to, I used to sneak away from grade school. I'd go downtown and watch movies and I'd sit there in the dark by myself and this voice would go, you're going to be up on that screen one day. And I didn't even know why I was hearing that. But I'd be sitting there, watching these giant faces on the movie screen and a voice really you're going to be up there one day and I'm like no I'm not I'm a Canadian kid in the suburbs I'm going to high school I don't even know

what I want to do with my life but this voice was no you're so I just I just let it go and gave into that voice and just started my journey knowing I kind of in a way had a nice ride to Hollywood because I was never stressed because that voice was always in me going to going, you're going to do movies, you're going to have a sitcom, you're going to do commercials, you're going to do voiceovers, you're going to write, you're going to direct, you're going to do stand-up. So I never came to Hollywood like, oh, my God. And even when I didn't get an audition, I went, oh, well, I know what's coming. And that sounds really like sort of egotistic, but it's not.

It's really just this voice that still rides within me to this day. No, it's interesting because a lot of people that I speak to, like I've talked to many people who are like super successful in this space and even in, you know, the entertainment outside of Hollywood. Yeah. Or just certain things that they were actually became like professional at, whether it be like sports, whatever, they all kind of have a similar mindset.

Good. I like hearing that because I always, sometimes I'm afraid to talk about it because it sounds a bit, you know, high horse or conceded it, but it's really not. It's just my experience. So I believe that other people here. I always would just wonder where does that come? Because I would say the same thing.

I remember being young, being 16 and like having no, like what I do now, I never did Hollywood Hollywood. I did a few movies here there because I was a trainer and I worked in like a, you know, a space where it allowed me to be close, I guess, to sort of Hollywood people. And then I got invited to do little bits here or there, but I didn't do what you did. But my example of what I do today wasn't an example for me when I was a kid like when I was that age when I was 16 there was no examples of like doing what I was going to do with my life yeah so I didn't necessarily think oh I'm going to be in Hollywood but I always felt like

there was more for me I always had this idea that like I'm going to be able to do more with my life and I always found that interesting I always wonder where that where do you think that comes from I think it comes from up there from a higher force a higher energy I don't do you believe in God my guy yeah good well then I think it comes from that comes from whatever your perception of God or force or higher purpose, if you allow the energy of life to beam into you and in a sense control you a little bit and lay down to it and let it guide you. I think it's beautiful when it talks to you and you listen. I think it comes from that because there's no other way to construct it. It's not a chemical thing. It's not programmed into you. It's just the way

stars formed in the galaxy, we are formed as bundles of energy and matter. And so whatever our composition is, that's got to be part of it. And it's not just exclusive to entertainment. It's Einstein. It's scientists. It's sports figures. Everyone has their preordained DNA and energy. And I think maybe some people don't know how to feel it or tap it or access it. Or maybe they do. Maybe we live in a universe where some of us are meant to do jobs that don't seem so grandiose, like a janitor or this or that, but still not just still as important as because it all has to work for all of us to work. Yeah. So it's a very complex but beautiful stream of energy that I think controls or we all ride in.

We float in it. When did you really start to recognize that? When I was a little boy, I knew. as a little kid, like a little, little boy. You just knew, yeah, but you recognize that concept then, or you just felt that then? I don't know if I recognized it that deeply because I wasn't as worldly,

but I just knew that I was, I knew that I was on this journey, that I was, I was, the voice started early. And when was the first thing that kind of made you feel like you made it? Or you made it into the, obviously there's always, more to do like even now in your life there's more to do there's like you said you still have that

feeling yeah but what was the first like entry where you were like oh should i'm like doing this thing that i felt like i was always supposed to be doing i think my my my target to sort of prove to myself that i was embarking on this thing and it was one of the things i saw myself doing was the first time i did the letterman show david letterman and it was such a it was such a pivotal and monumental moment for me and for people in my industry, stand-up comedy. Yeah.

To get to the David Letterman show was really a massive. It was a big deal. And I remember telling my buddies in college 10 years before I even started comedy, I said, guys, I don't know why I'm going to be on the Letterman show one day. And they were like, what the hell are you talking about? I said, I don't know. I just know I'm going to be there.

and 10 years later I was on it and so that was such sort of a big bullseye that I was actually in a place where I said if I don't do anything else this is enough for me you know because it was such a pinnacle and yeah at the time because when would that have been

what year were that I was in the 90s the early 90s that was it that was for me that was it and for a lot of comics that was that was the that was the bullseye and so to to achieve that that sort of told me

yeah this is all playing out the way I kind of saw it you know what was that interview based on like it was you had done because normally you did something previously then you're on the show it was just based on my stand-up yeah I auditioned I'd come to Hollywood I was

I was pretty much unknown and um but I'd worked really hard on my acting Canada prior to coming I'd said I'm not going to the U.S. until I know I'm ready that I have something to offer that I feel

and I remember the Jamie Masada, the guy who owns the laugh factory he had a showcase. Letterman came into town to do a showcase and everyone wanted to be on it.

I remember Chris Rock was on it and Damon Wayans and Ray Romano was all these heavy hitters. Yeah. And Jamie put me up last and I remember I could see it because I'd been around calming down. I could see even these high-level guys were stressed.

They were like they could feel the pressure even though they were great and none of them really rocked at that night. And I realized I was up against all the odds. I was the last guy was unknown and I just went up and I was like, I don't give a flying, you know what? I'm just going to do my thing and just fly up. here and I you know after 12 guys I you know I destroyed I did great and I walked off and they offered me the show and it was like I was like yeah I guess so you know it's all part of

that thing where I thought and it just it felt amazing and I don't know that any of the other guys that night got on the show eventually they all did and right some of them might have already had done it but they were there to select um and for a guy that was complete unknown and for them to to pick me i was like wow so that was did that did that uh appearance help you for future gigs or future shows yeah because back then it mattered if you got on the late night shows it it it it mattered because it was so hard to do and you really stood out and what's ironic today now I don't know one comic who's trying to get on a late night show

they're irrelevant yeah like they don't even like back when I was doing that letterman stuff every comic was like I'm getting my six minutes together for Leno or or letterman or you know whoever else was out there the viewership back then was nuts

on those shows oh yeah that's all there was yeah so to get on was it was a right of passage it was sort of a stamp of approval it was but for me more than any of that it was just a personal victory and my love and affection for Letterman because we you know I grew up

on him in college and just to be there sharing the stage with him was like euphoric and and yeah it was really really fun yeah that sounds awesome you definitely came from a cool fucking era really cool era

I came yeah when we came from an era that was a lot of hard work too like I was just talking to my buddy Yesterday, my buddy Orney Adams, who's a comedian. And we were talking about how we did all this pre-social media where you had no exposure and you had to get in the trenches and work clubs for 10, 15 years just to get a shot at a late-night show that could help elevate you.

And now, you know, guys can go do a set at the comedy store and put it out and become a star overnight or, you know, push their trajectory. really rapidly it's social media man yeah and it's great I wish I had it like good for them I'm happy for them like it's a changed world

yeah do you think it's changed comedy though for the better you know what there's no better and there's no worse because it's art right so you can't you can't define art you can't put a cage around it you can't say that this form of comedy is better than that

You know, if you look back to, you know, Charlie Chaplin who did comedy without sound, you know, there were probably people that said, you can't do comedy with sound, you know, so without sound. No, with sound. So people were so used to comedy without sound, people who now had sound, there were probably naysayers that, no, no, that's impure. You've got to keep it silent the way Charlie does it, you know what I'm, but everything evolves. I see what you're saying. try and determine and corral comedy or an art form such as comedy or any art form, that's like saying cubism is, you know, worse than modern art or impressionism or whatever style of art, you can't just abandon or dispel one style because you don't like it or

it's changing or something new is emerging. And that's the beauty of art. It knows no boundaries. So you, for me at least, I can't have an opinion on it because I don't want to get in the way of it. I want to see where it goes. And to some it might be like, oh, now it's crap or now it's this. But to some 300,000 other people, they might be like it's way better.

Yeah. And it's for the future to decide, not us. So to try and hold on to the rodeo horse when it doesn't want to be held on to, what's the point? Let it go. Let it buck. Let's see what it wants to do. Yeah. Because it in a way takes us on its journey, right? Art, we think we control art, but art pulls us along with it because it's a wild thing. It has no no fences.

And so it's very, it's very beautiful to watch it go. And sometimes, yeah, we all have our artistic tastes and maybe we get disappointed or we don't approve of it or we don't like it, but let it go. It knows where to meander. And the beauty of art, it meanders into tributaries we didn't even know existed in our brains and in life. And so go with it because art shows us stuff

we didn't even know existed within ourselves. So let it flow. and don't try and wrangle it in. Like Lizzo with the shrimp poppers. Well, that was sort of art in a way, too. If you could see Barry Manilow's pink body flipping through the air, almost like a dolphin doing twirls at SeaWorld

and then landing on his spleen and his mouth cringing back and olive oil dribbling down on his giant, he has big brown ariola. I don't think he's the type. I don't think you've never met Barry Manelow. Well, I don't think. you wanted a dark Hollywood story guy if you don't want to i can keep my mouth shut if you want

oh man who do you think has helped you the most in hollywood god yeah are you big religious guy no i'm i'm a big i believe in a greater force yeah so that that's the bigger people can help but when you really need help spirit guidance energy there's nothing bigger or strong Yeah. That's a fact. And it's always there. And I think when people help you, that's when you reach out to that guy or that thing. And he goes, oh, and he puts something in you and you find your way to me and you help me. Or I help you because there was a directive or there was some kind of neuron connection. Energy exchange, yeah. Yeah, but it all stems from a bigger place. Are you Christian?

Catholic. Catholic. Yeah. You've been Catholic your whole life? Yeah. Yeah, I went to Catholic school. That was kind of rough. Why?

I don't know. Oh, here we go. No, not like that. Not like that. Not like that. No, I don't mean not like. I just mean like what happened. No, well, I went to all-boy school.

Me too. Yeah, did you? Yeah. What the fuck? I went to a boarding school. All-boys boarding school. Really? Oh, yeah.

Where was that? This was in New Market. Ontario and Canada. Quakers run by Quakers. Oh, you went to a school by Quakers? Run by Quakers. Damn. Are you cereal? That's crazy. Yeah. What the, what? I feel like they're super strict. Yeah, they're pretty strict. Yeah. Was that fun or was that a good experience? It was, uh, when you get sent to a boarding school, it almost feels like going to prison. And so it was, it was sort of scary and unnerving. and I didn't realize how fun it was until after I left

because it was such a crazy ecosystem of, it was almost like Lord of the Flies. You had 300 boys without parents going through puberty and basically figuring out the world and life and hormones and energy and muscle and growth and all this stuff, all in play under one roof, Man, it's, it's almost like watching the Discovery Channel

with a pack of wild hyenas trying to figure out the hierarchy and that. It was wild. So wait, the boarding school, it means you went away to school. Yeah. For how many years? I lived there, three years. Three years.

That's interesting. Yeah. I didn't do that. I went to All Boys High School, but... Did you hate it? I didn't hate it. You love it the ladies? I mean, the ladies are great.

We had like a sister school, so we would always like we do community events like with the sister school which was also like a county school but it definitely one of those things that I look back on where I go oh I appreciated it a lot more looking back than when I was in it yeah because when I was in and I was like oh there's no chicks here like yeah kind of whack but then I look back on I'm like oh it actually taught me a fuck ton how to like interact and how to like you know understand I guess it sounds weird but men right how to understand other other other yeah other boys in this in this case and it it gave me a lot of uh i guess a lot of structure that's one thing i do really appreciate from it okay um but yeah

i also found myself i guess during that age you're just kind of like because i was so structured and it was like this like religious based school i kind of found myself wanting to fuck off a lot wow because there was so much structure within it where like then i wanted to like do shit outside of school that was like probably not the best thing to be doing. You should have met my dad. Why? He would have told you to fuck off a lot. Yeah.

Does your dad encourage your career, your whole life? Or fuck off in a bad way like you shouldn't do this shit? No, he was sort of confused by it. By your choices? Yeah. Because, you know, well, you got to remember in the 80s, stand-up comedy wasn't common. Yeah.

The comedy boom hit around 83. but you know through the 50s 60 70s like there was your odd stand-up comedian there was a you could probably name all 30 of them on one hand but uh but you know cut to the early 80s and all of a sudden every kid you knew was trying stand up comedy almost but so he was just he didn't come from that time he thought teacher doctor lawyer the common to classic shit you thought you're going to be a bum basically probably no he never he never he never doubted me, but he was just confused by it. It wasn't a rational conservative choice. I don't think he doubted me or he never discouraged me. But I think he was worried. He goes, I don't think you can make

a sustainable living being funny telling Joe. Like, what do you mean? A comedian, but he never said don't do it. It just, I think it just threw him. Because he came from a world of more common career path so he probably just assumed that's what his kid would do what does your mom think about it all my mom's not with us anymore but she um she she was the same way but i think it's sort of excited her deep inside because she she always had a bit of an entertainment streak in her maybe it's where you got it from maybe that part of it comes from her yeah so so i think and as she started to see it evolve and see me in movies and i think it really uh really really excited. What about friends and things as you

were growing up and kind of sharing what you wanted to do? Were they like, yeah, you could do this? I didn't share with anyone. I kept it completely hidden. I'm one of these guys that believes when you ever hear that theory where Native Americans, they don't like to have their

picture taking because they say it takes part of their soul. Have you ever heard that? Yeah. Yeah. So I used to say that about ideas. It's kind of true. And plans. Like if I have an idea, if I had this plan that I wanted to get up on stage and do stand-up, but I thought if I started telling everyone, it would dilute the energy. It would, it would sparse out the energy and then I wouldn't

have the nucleus anymore. Yeah. So I kept it very close to the chest and I let that, I let that sun burn and I let it all come out when I stepped on stage for the first time. It makes sense. Because then you can't keep it secret. Yeah. Or you can get that. I feel like, you know, we spoke earlier about energy and all these things. You get the everyone else who hears about it put their sort of negative energy into it not happening because of the doubt that maybe they have with themselves and what they're capable.

Yeah, they could. They could. I never listened to any voices. I always I always sort of pictured my target on the horizon and people coming in on all sides. The good and the bad. The good and the bad and in between

it almost like when Moses parted the Red Sea. Remembering the water moved? Yeah. But it was the opposite for me. I pictured going through the dead land to the horizon and people coming in on all sides. Do this, do that, don't do that. That's not going to work. And I just said, I just got to plow right through. I have to get to my destination. I know where it is. It's there. And I knew all these

voices would come in. But whether it was good advice, bad advice, I knew like I had to just keep motoring. What were your biggest mishaps, like biggest mistakes in trying to get there? There were some mistakes where I had some really good opportunities, and I thought that Hollywood sort of had a tier system where, hey, he did commercials. Now we know we can do commercials. Hey, he did a sitcom. Now we know we can do sitcoms.

Hey, he did a movie. Now we know we can do a movie. so now we just have to give him stuff. Like we know we can do it. He's done it. He's shown us. So I kind of got to these different plateaus and then stuff started coming in like,

you know, feature movies to star and I started saying no to stuff. Because I thought, oh, I'm here. They know I can do it. So I'm in my early 30s. I'm going to just keep doing it until I'm in my 70s. You know what I mean? Yeah. But then I realize that's not how it works.

Like when the stuff starts coming, and you got to grab onto the stuff and make it materialized. So there's a few things that went by the way that I was like, oh, I shouldn't have done that, you know, but I never look at what I don't have. I look at what I've done and what I've achieved.

And I think we all have missteps, but I don't hang on to them. Yeah. They don't do you know good. So what opportunities were the ones that you think you missed out on? One of the ones is when I was sort of the hot guy in town. they were sort of, you know, touting me as the next Jim Carrey for a little while, not my words, theirs.

Right. And Disney offered me like a three-pitcher deal for me to star in my own movies, like three in a row. And I, but I was getting offers from all these other studios, like Orion and Paramount and Falk, like everyone wanted to give me a movie. New Line was talking to me. So I said no. I didn't really say it.

My manager's advice really was, hey, let's say no to that. got off. But I realized in retrospect, I should have taken something like that because it was such a once in a lifetime. I still went on to do numerous movies for Disney, but that would have been a solid chunk of three in a row that would have been really a even bigger career builder. But I'm not sour about it. I think there's a reason for everything. And it certainly didn't get in the way of me doing other things. But that would have been a biggie that I wish I didn't say no to that, looking back but who wouldn't who wouldn't have said no or who would no who wouldn't look back and go damn i should have done that yeah disney's huge yeah just just just you know just that it was

three movies and um but but everyone in entertainment has those stories so yeah now if i'd never done anything with my career i'd be like what an idiot what oh but the fact that you know even say no to that things just worked out it's it's it's all okay you know. So what do you have the, what did you have the most fun doing? We kind of said this earlier, but I guess now, what do you have the most fun doing? Now? Like, do you need to work? Do you have to work? No, I could have retired like a long time ago. But that's the thing when you say the word work, it's, it's never been worked to me. Yeah. It's always just been fun. I relate to that. Technically, it's a lot of work to sit down and write a script. Yeah. Technically, it's a lot of work to

direct a movie or or act in a movie or or tour and do stand-up but it's that's technically but in in reality it's just it's fun stuff you know i'm not i'm not slinging weed i'm not i'm not sweeping floors i'm i'm doing stuff that creatively i enjoy yeah yeah she's beautiful yeah it's great it's a good life man good life that's what do you do your free time that's it my free time is my my work you made it then you won that's called making it yeah and and and you know to add on to my work i you know i travel i go on vacations i fish i snorkel i uh you know i love garlic butter uh you know my garlic butter is pretty fucking good yeah everyone loves garlic butter yeah nothing wrong with that and uh what are the hobbies you got i play racquetball

three, four times a week. I tell you be a pickleball. I feel you pick a pickleball. You know, pickleball is too slow. If you play, have you played racquetball? So fast, yeah, I know. It's too fat. Like you, you, it's, I can, I play pickleball.

I played it, but it's too slow for me. Yeah, racquetball's, after you play racquetball, it's, it's just, it's, it's, and it's too predictable, pickle balls sort of over the net, racquetball, you're whacking the ball off the roof, the walls, every, so you never know the trajectory. of the ball. You ever got hurt playing racquetball? Oh, yeah. People get fucking hurt.

I did it. About three years ago, because this is something the people at the comedy store laugh about. And if you look at my clips online, you'll see it a lot. I'm one of these guys, for whatever reason,

I don't stink when I sweat. Like, I, it's bizarre. I smell like baby powder. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. So I'll play racquetball for three hours, like from five till 7.30. That's three and a half.

Yeah. that's two and a half whatever yeah whatever it's close and and then i'll have a spot at the comedy store like nah in 20 minutes i'm not kidding i'll leave the court i'll take my soaked shirt off put on my my um jogging like zip up and i'll go right to the club get out of it and go right on stage with my hat on so you can't see i'm all sweaty no and i'll do a spot and my body's all pump because I just got off so I'm like I'm fired up and I have the best time and I'll leave my zipper

down to like here you can see it online and sometimes I even have my shorts on because I forgot to bring jeans and so I love that man it's really funny but my point is one time I was playing and I was playing doubles and one of the other guys

cracked me right here over the eyebrow with his racket I'm down on my back. The guy that hit me was a doctor, believe it or not. So he runs to the front, gets a band-aid and some ice. I said, is it coagulating? He goes, this was after about five minutes on the floor. He goes, yeah, it's coagulating. Do you think I need stitches? He goes, you probably do. I said, you know what? If it's coagulating, I'm okay. Put the band-aid on. So we put one of these flesh-colored

band-aids right across my eye. I said, what time is it? I got up. I drove to the club. and I did a set and I was just preying the blood wouldn't start dripping out from under the and it held and I did a set and then this thing was like

had this big wound for about three weeks do you incorporate that kind of stuff into the comedy well I didn't that night because nobody knew but I did him early in my career

when I was in Toronto I had a friend who was a professional makeup artist she did horror effects and she said, hey, I need a subject for my students. Will you come down and sit in the chair and let my students and then I'm going to do a procedure on your face so they can learn? I said, I'll only do it if you put a cut right across my whole face,

like a bloody gas. She said, okay, I will. So she did it. She put this cut and it looked so real. And then that evening I had a gig at the comedy club knowing, and I went up on stage and I never mentioned it. I just went up and I had this huge gash across my face

and then right at the end of my act I just grabbed around and I pushed it and the whole crowd freaked out and that was sort of fun. You didn't address it the whole time? No, I just left it. Did you notice people being like...

Oh yeah, people were just like really distracted by it but it looked so real. And at the very end I said, I know you're looking at this and I told them I was in an underground garage and I had an ice cream sandwich and someone jumped me for the ice cream sandwich and that was the explanation for the gash.

Kind of like the Lizzo story and the Barry Manilof. Well, a little similar to that. You don't want to hear Hollywood heat. You don't have any real Hollywood stories? Yeah, I got all kinds of them. No, no, a real one, bro. Sure.

Like from the 80s. What do you want to know? I don't know. I don't know. We need something about like maybe another comedian. oh okay another comedian maybe like a bar fight well i'll tell you the fun story with uh me and chris farley i don't know if i've ever told this one you know farley rip legend oh he's the best legend legend chris farley man damn yeah me and a farley he loved to eat now i'm not making

fun of him but you know this guy loved to eat i think everyone knew that And we got into it one night. We went out to Red Lobster. They had Scallop Fest. Stop. Just tell a real story. There's no one's going to hear it. I mean, Red Lobster back then was pretty lit.

It was pretty lit back then. What do you eat? You're jacked, bro. What are you eating, guy? Steak. Are you one of these protein guys? Oh, I eat protein. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. do you do the cold plunge thing i do yeah i do i have two cold plunges here oh god we have a hot tub and it's like a hot plunge and a cold plunge i do them back to back but i do them at night i don't do it before my workouts i do this have you done the saliva barley one saliva barley it's like have you ever seen cows when they when they chew they kind of they have that white kind of drool that comes out yeah there's a guy out of wisconsin and he bags his stuff up and saliva is full of enzymes. Like, you know that, right?

You're a health guy. It's like full of enzymes. They fight bacteria. They got all kinds of antibiotics in them. And this guy bags up this stuff and like, like, built, like barley saliva, he calls it. And, uh, I don't. Saliva from who? From, from, from cows.

Because they chew all the, the, the grass and the wheat. Right. So he calls it barley saliva. And I, I, I do a plunge in this shit. Shut the fuck up. You're fucking. You know. You're so full of shit, bro.

Dude, look at my skin. Look at my skin. Like, if Snow White was a guy. That's fucking disgusting. That's gross. Try it, barley saliva. That's bullshit. You're lying, dude.

That's not a real thing. Am I? Look at my skin. Yeah, well, you can have great... I'm like a porcelain doll with herpes. That's not it. That's gross as fog, bro. Try it.

Is it cold or a lot? It's warm. It's warm. It's warm, yeah. Slavic sounds warm. but it just slurps all over you. I'm not going to try that. So go back to the Farley story.

The barley? No, the Chris Farley, not the barley. Oh, well, it sounds like you're not interested in that one. I want to talk about health. Do you really? Well, look at you. Yeah, what do you want to talk about? What questions you have?

Well, what do you eat to stave off, like, illness and sickness and stuff? Because you're a prime specimen. Steak. But I mean, supplements. Do you do vitamins and all that? Vitamin D, creatine. What's creatine? Creatine.

Sounds like one of the Avengers. Really? Who the hell is creatine? Creatine is mostly found in red meat. Oh, so you're just getting that. Do you eat it concentrated or do you? Like a powder form. Oh, wow.

A lot of studies on creatine. Do you pop a lot of pit? Like, do you have one of those little pill bottles and every, you do not? Yeah. How many a day? maybe like 12 I don't think that's healthy you don't think so can I

I'm not a health expert can I sort of steer you towards my regimen yeah please tell me give us your health well if you want to put all those pills and narrow it down to one and I think you're going to appreciate

this when you know you're taking vitamin you're taking creatine you're taking absorbine 7 you're taking a philitomide you're taking all these things and it's a concoction. It's a cocktail of pills. I don't think it's healthy.

The body produces a lot of what it needs. But when you really get sick, what do you take? If you've got an infection, even an STD, what are you popping? For antiviral stuff, like oregano is really good. No, no, no. It starts with a pee. Like to really knock it out. It starts with a pee?

Like an infection, like a penicillin. Yeah. I have penicillin, but you don't just take penicillin clears up everything. Yeah, but you don't just take that randomly. I do. No, you shouldn't be doing that? Well, I do. Just on, randomly on a week?

Well, no, I have one of these Hollywood doctors that gets me pills. And as you know, I do a lot of charities. I have a lot of celebrity fans. I get into their charities. And so I'll just call him my doctor penicillin. And this guy, what he does is he'll get me the penicillin. And I just pop this. And you don't need vitamins.

I mean, it keeps you healthy as all hell. I think it's bad. I think it's bad at the real time. Because the efficacy of it over time, you just take it all the time is not. No, I've rarely ever get sick. And what I do is for convenience sick, I don't know if you carry a man bag,

but I put it in Pez. Have you ever seen these Pez things? Dispensers, yeah. You just pull Popeye's head back or Scooby-Doo and just pop a penicillin. And boy, oh boy. He took penicillin like a couple times a week? Every morning.

That's no way. I'll pop like Jugheads, head back and right in the... I don't think it's how you take antibiotics. No, but I do. And I'm telling you, look at my skin. Look at my epidermis. Yeah. And these, and also, by the way, the Pez candies,

people with tracheotomies love these. It's their favorite candy because... Trachiotomy. Well, you know the people with the holes in their throat? Yeah. They love Pez because when you bend Scooby-Doo's head back, a candy pops out of it. It almost looks like,

it's coming out of his trache. Like if they went like this, like a candy would pop out. Right. But then the people with trachea modis love to reverse it because if you bend like, let's say, Tweedy Bird's head back, the pill pops right into your hole. It's almost like a tracheotomy.

It's almost made for tracheotomy. It's like relatable. Yeah, it's relatable. But going back to these, getting my penicillin from Dr. Penicillin, I set him up. He loves celebrities,

so I set him up with all these Hollywood charities. And about three months ago, he gave him a whole bag of penicillin, but I got him into a share and Dolly Parton and Donnie Osmond have a, have a charity called Pets for Petos. That's real. And, no, it's a, they get these rescue dogs.

And, you know, pedophiles, they're very touchy. Okay, here I go. And they feel like they can stave off the assaults, the pedophilia. If only the pedophilians had something they could sort of touch. Oh, it's almost like a like a medicine. Use their fingers, right. Okay. And so at Cher, Dolly Part and Donny Osmond's pet for Petto's charity, I got them in.

And, you know, you can picture a petto rubbing down a weiner dog or a dosh hound or a, border collie, you know, some sick pimple-faced petto, like, you know, giving a little neck rub to a St. Bernard or whatever. It's like, he gets his weird fix. Yeah, it's sort of like diffuses their energy so they're not going after the young ins. They're doing their creepy crawlies, let's say, on the back of a Russian Ridgeback. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's not my thing. I'm just, I'd rather hang them up and kill them. But if you can, if you can help them, maybe. I don't know if they can save a child to have a

petto, uh, you know, give a neck massage to a, uh, shrine or riner, or whatever they're called. Yeah, yeah. Or a, you know, a laberdoodle gets a, an ass rub from a, you know, a third degree creep. Yeah. But anyways, so this guy gets me all the penicillin. And sometimes I'll harvest my own. Like I'll

leave a yogurt out in the fridge for a few weeks or some, uh, cheese dip or some, uh, I've ever been to, Pandexpress, the honey walnut shrimp. I've got it down to a science. If you leave it out for three and a half weeks with a radish on the side, you'll get a nice green mold. And I'll just, sometimes when Doc's not in town, Doc penicillin,

I'll make my own mold. Because you know penicillin's a derivative of mold. Yeah. You know the science. Why am I telling you? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, pull this out? Hold on, hold on.

Hold on. You know the penicillin came from mold. I don't know exactly. Well, I'm here to tell you, guy, you didn't believe me about Lizzo or Manilow, but penicillin came as a byproduct of mold. Yeah, the fermentation. And so you can really get healthy creating mold in your own fridge and using it as a dip during the football games.

I don't know if that's how it works, like exactly, though. There's a step between there. Well, look at my skin. Yeah, yeah, and I see it. I mean, if you want to touch it, I don't know. I know we both went. to them in all boys school and I don't know I'd love to feel your nub on my skin yeah no would you mind just touching me with your nub there just this just I I've never been nubbed

I just feel the skin and maybe you'll believe me this this one yeah but this one is not I know but I'll feel it you won't oh god how do is that like being molested by the mummy yeah it is wow exactly how that felt oh but anyways it take it or leave it I'm just telling you you doc penicillin if you ever want his number you shouldn't take penicillin all the time look at my skin but are you into fitness stuff or what yeah actually yeah look at me but are you actually are you just trolling me i just told you what's your workout routine i work out i lift weight uh i go to the gym i play tennis i hike i play racquetball three four times a week that's a that's no that's tough that's a tough sport yeah you play any sports uh i just work out see swim that's not really

swimming i think you should get more interactive swimming's not we can't that's not well it's a solo thing yeah i think you should get more involved in a team sport or a competitive sport why i think it's good for you it's good mentally and it's good for yeah you you're doing everything sort of on a standstill basis right but the swimming man it's transverse all that yeah yeah Yeah, it works all the muscles in the body, but so does getting blown out of a hot tub by Lizzo. Yeah. But I get very intimate with the gym.

I'm one of these guys. I'm very sexual. Sexual with the gym. Well, I'm very sexual in general. I don't know if you've picked up on that. And when I get to the Nautilus machines, I... I don't know where you go with this thing.

I look at them almost like an act of sex. Like, some people, People sit down with the bicuspid trijiculator and I'll do a 69 with that thing. The thing where you spread your legs, I'll whisper Rod Stewart's name. Yeah, I'll go Rod, Stewart, rot. I mean, I'm just, I'm pretty much having intercourse with the gym. Wow. Yeah.

Tough when you have a hard sex drive. This is what you do. Yeah? Yeah. Do you have a six pack? Yeah. Yeah. Do you?

I had an eight. I didn't fuck up I went so deep I ripped it so big and my doctor thought I had an extra set of balls coming this way but it no dude

it was just an extra yeah have you ever been in really good shape what do you mean ever the hell kind of insulting it's coming from a guy with no nib

fuck that no have you what I really meant to say was have you ever really been into the gym always i've done it my whole life yeah can i show you something guy i know you're pretty jack there's some hot beef right there it's pretty jack you want to put the nub on that but you got a belly though we got a belly right here

I'm gonna touch you with your dirty greasy Armenian nub I'm not Armenian we are now Italian you are Armenian to me guy and you always will be you want to rub the nub no no that's all I didn't think so yeah no let's you look pretty jacked though I'm not going to Let's be careful about who's in shape. But you got a belly, though. Huh? You got a belly though. Oh, you don't?

Let's see your six-pack, Igor and vaunterglint. Whatever that means. I don't know. I want to see it. Put the knee down. Put the 2% milk track pants down. Let's see the jacket. Come on, roll it up.

I'm going to roll it up if you don't. No, no, no. I want to see the pack. Bro, you should be proud of it. It's on the internet. If I show mine, will you show yours? No, no. What the hell are you hiding?

What do you got, a caesarian scar? No. The hell's wrong with you? You are a meanian freak. I can't get birth. I'm a Italian, you fucker. Well, not to me. You know, fuck you.

Let's see it. No, I got nothing, dude. Come on. Oh, no, I can't do it. You won't, will you show me the beef at least? Oh, yeah, come on. Oh, dude. Okay.

Come on. Wow. Yeah, that yours is bigger than mine. Yeah. Do we have a measuring tape here? I love to imagine. Carl, do we have anything? I don't. You've never told me his name. I said Justin earlier. You did? Okay. Yeah, I actually am curious how big your arms are.

Well, I'm curious how big yours are. I don't know. Wow, yours is a monster. Yeah. What would happen if we touched them together? Like if we rub like... Like an explosion. Like if you linked your bicep onto my bicep, is that funny Hollywood stuff? It's funny Hollywood weird shit. Okay. Yeah. Maybe not it. Have you ever done that before?

No. But I just thought we both got giant bulbs. Yeah. Maybe it would be fun to rub them together. No. No, I'm good. I'm good too, but it's... I like chicks, bro.

I plowed a girl in Malibu last night. Yeah? I don't know if that was a true story. Why can't a couple of guys rub their meat bulbs together? I mean, they could. We could. We could. just it's nobody's it's

look on the internet rub two guys rubbing meat bulbs is a gay god this is either goodness see if it's gay two guys rubbing meat bulbs is it gay

and if it's not I think we should try it uh oh okay forget what wait a minute wait a minute what

that is gay wait how is this a question on Quora what is it gay Rub penises together All right How you even got to ask that fucking question? Terry, Terry, just delete Justin, Justin, Justin.

Oh, Justin, just delete. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I knew God I was going to go to that, yes. I wasn't going there. I just, I just thought, you know, you see two power houses like the Hulk and the thing sitting here. Rubbing things together just to just to touch it to see.

It's weird. Because it'd be raw power. Yeah, it's just still weird. It's like if you got two T. bone steaks and slammed them together it'd be like something meaty yeah i mean then you could eat the steaks but that's different when it's yeah it's two guys it's not like we're gonna rub our meat bulbs together and then go to like olive garden would that be more or less gay more more for sure for sure because then we went to dinner together then we're committed yeah that's too much that's way too

serious fm i'm just wondering why you won't show me your six pack though Maybe because you tried to get me to rub my arm against you. But it's some, you know how many guys work to get a sick? Isn't that what you do it to show it off? But you're hiding it. Not really. That's not really why. Maybe you don't really have one.

Maybe the world will never know. I think they do now. I mean, just because I don't show it. Why wouldn't you? Why do you go to the gym all day so you can look at it to yourself in the mirror? Don't you work out and go, oh, I can't wait till everyone sees my six-pack. No, no. No, that's not why I work out.

So you just do it for yourself. So at night when you roll up into a little hairy Armenian ball. I'm not Armenian, bro. Well, look at you. I'm Italian. Come on. I'm Italian. Have you done An Ancestry. You think I look Armenian?

Oh, yeah. An Armenian girl, by the way. It's because my beard is unkept right now, huh? Very handsome. Is that real? Or is that spray on? This is real. Yeah.

I just got to cut it. I'm just like a little extra. Maybe that's why you're probably a hairy dude. I'm hairy as fuck right now. So does that why you're not? not showing your six-pack? That's more closely why. But you showed this. Yeah, because it's, it's not here. But you worked hard for it. Yeah, yeah. But yet you're not showing that. Yeah. Do you compete? I did compete back in the day. So what do you hide in my guy?

I think it's because I've, I've had it for so long. It's not as like, wow to me. But they want to see it, bro. They can see it. They can see it on a ton of different other mediums. There's a ton of content out there to see it. Any or Audi? Any. Oh, you thought because it was an Audi, I was like kind of shy. I thought maybe you were, yeah, you're like, maybe you were, maybe you were freaked out about your disfigured belly button. No, no, no. Pull up, Bradley Martin.

Yeah, let's see a six-pack. Oh, here we go. There's enough. Do you see? Come on, that's you? There's enough. Oh, dude. Come on.

Yeah, click the L-O-1. I would show that all day. I wouldn't even be... I was shaved there, though. I wouldn't even be wearing a shirt for this podcast if I looked like that. But I was shaved there. I'd be grading cheese while we talked and fucking eating it like a Galapagos tortoise.

I think what you've had it for so long, it's not as like... But they want to see it. I'd be making coleslaw right now if I were you. Coleslaw? Yeah, yeah, it's like a grader. You make colds law? Oh, I guess you do make it on a grate. I guess you could.

I would just cut it up. Dude, good for you. That's hard work. Yeah. Years. A lot of years. Unbelievable. Yeah, you never had a phase like that?

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. oh yeah see i had two lower ones right right below the belly button like even more i had eight yeah two more down wow and what i used to do is i used to dribble can we pull up a picture of that i don't know try see harland's eight pack i used to pour lumen's own lemonade down my belly and would trickle down and it just pulls up an eight pack yeah that's it there it is just an eight pack of fucking high nudes. Yeah.

There it is. Harlan Seltzer. Oh, the seven-minute abs from something about Mary. God, that was such a good movie. That's how, that's my most notorious thing to do with abs is that.

God damn, bro. Such a classic. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that fucking scene. What you did the, that scene. That's from dumb and dumber.

Bro. Holy shit. It's my child. There you go. That's one of my favorite fucking movies. See? Damn. What a scene, man.

What is that like? You still get residuals for that? Yeah. It's not a lot. It's not like I'm getting hundreds of things. You get like, here's $400 here and $300 there. Yeah.

But, you know. That's so cool. Sometimes I'll get a residual for, not kidding, for like $0.3 or a $0.1. consent from things I've done. Because now they've put it into this whole streaming thing and it's like based on that kind of stuff. Well, it's also based on how often it's viewed.

So the older something gets in time, the less it's watched. So you only get, you know, if something was watched as much today as it was back then, I'd still get big residual. So it's all about the decline of viewership. I feel like that movie, people still watch it though. It's just like iconic.

Like Dumb and Dumber is one of the fucking yeah it's a classic yeah no I still get some residuals from that that's fucking cool thanks bro damn what was your favorite role you already asked me that I'm very told you they're all but you said yeah but you didn't really give me a good answer I gave a great answer you gave me like a philosophical like I think it was maybe one of the best answers this lousy podcast has ever had fuck you I just wanted you to be like dumb and dumber or Well, see, I love them all. They're all my children, right?

Like, I love all of them, and I feel blessed that I got to even be in one movie. Yeah. And the fact that I think I've done almost 50 over my career. Yeah, it's fucking cool. It's just, it's, so they're all little, my little darlings, my, all my, because each one offered, even the bad ones, there were moments where it's like, wow, look where I am.

I'm on a beach in Costa Rica. I'm in the mountains in Switzerland. you know it's just it's too good so it is really cool though yeah you've done a lot of cool shit for sure i think rocket man because it was my first big starring movie was maybe as a little extra special spot in my heart because it was my first shot at being the lead in a movie and it was a big disney movie and it was really fun and they let me have a lot of control over it so i think that maybe if anything has an edge over anything else it's that movie like that when you're like a lead you get bigger residuals uh not necessarily but you get a bigger paycheck at

the at the beginning right i think what you're probably thinking is guys like jim carey they don't get a bigger residual but if you're a bigger star like jim for the ridler and batman i think he was able to work out a back end deal where he got points for the movie he got points for the merchandise he got yeah so it's not a residual but it's a it's a monetary stream that gets added because he's such a big name yeah so as you get bigger in the industry you can start to add those things into your contracts i never got to that place but i'm just grateful that i got you can do it you know for sure jim's interesting he he went he got to an interesting place after hollywood i feel like have you seen some of his interviews the things he talks about when he when he references

Hollywood. Yeah, he's still in Hollywood, but yeah, he's gone through a real trajectory of fame and fortune and relationships and money and power and philosophy. And yeah, he's, Hollywood's really taking him for a ride or he's taking it for a ride or a combination of both. But what a, what a want to talking about earlier not being able to put a fence around art. Jim was a, is a glowing example of a guy that just had so much daring in him and kicked down so many walls and didn't let rules and traditions get in his way. And I was fortunate enough to be with him many times and work with him and do a movie with him and see that in action and watch

watch him really push push art the way I was referenced it earlier and that's that's the legacy of Jim outside of all his work that's on film you know it's just he's a true

true real artist you know legendary yeah for sure yeah innovator yeah yeah fearless yeah that guy just didn't give a fuck it seemed like yeah I mean he gave a fuck on some level but when it came to

to going for it and pushing new horizons he's just like let's go and it was great to see it was just great to see when you would do so when I mean even even you spoke about like kind of just sort of weaned sort of roles obviously not you know not impeding or stepping on with directors or you know the script would say

would you get pushback for doing stuff like that I only got it on one. One movie, I was sort of deeper into my career and I was sort of known for adding and improvising. And a lot of directors at this point would ask me to do it. They'd say, hey, do another take. Just do you, do that thing you do. Yeah.

And I did a movie called The Whole Nine Yards with Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry and this kind of older British director. and I we were shooting a scene I was doing a scene with Rosanna our cat and we'd done a few takes and then I was like okay now I'm going to do what I always do I'm going to do the take again but now I'm going to let my spirit animal

kind of bring out and and I just let some stuff go and in my mind I was like thank you like I knew intrinsically I knew just from what I always do that I think it was probably really good and would have worked. But for some reason, he just came up to me, he goes, uh, Holland, let's not do that. Let's stop that. Like he, he sort of

like got angry with me and sort of like, um, was not super nice about how he asked me to stop doing it. And I didn't like it, but I also went, you know what? He's the director. This is his movie. This is his piece. I'm, I don't like that he shut me down in that way, but I'm, I'm, I don't like that he shut me down in that way, but I'm, it's, it's his. It's not mine. So I totally let them, I totally listened to him. And I guess in my heart, I was like, man, too bad you, you're close to that because I think I might have just given you a nugget. But maybe not. I don't know. But he was the only one that really ever kind of, kind of shut me down. But I respect his position enough to get it. if he doesn't want it, then he shouldn't have to have it.

Yeah. I had two other people you mentioned, Matt Perry, you know, RIP. Yeah. Weird sort of Hollywood, I guess like drug sort of shit. But also Bruce Willis, man. Like, you see what's happened. Brits my heart. That is one of the craziest things to think about.

This guy is like one of the most, like, biggest Hollywood star for so many years. And it's like, the guy doesn't even a recollection of anything. Yeah. nuts to see. As a guy that worked with him and got to be right there with him, hanging with them and partying with them and working with them. And I will say that, you know, I worked with a lot of big stars, a lot of big names, but Bruce really had the aura of movie star around, like, like big time movie, like A-lister. Like I worked with a lot of the other big ones, but he had this extra sort of charisma, sexuality, energy. And I realized when I was with him that this is rare,

this is unique, this is beautiful. And to see it at play, to see him doing it while we were working and while we were socializing and while we were just sitting around. Just chilling, yeah. Like it was just omnipresent on him. Whether he was trying to do it or not, I'll never know. But I think it was just there and I think that's why he became what he became and then suddenly so quickly to see illness man sort of dim that light and I don't want to say that in a mean way like he's he's he's not that radiant anymore but it his faculties have been turned down by whatever as a guy who is close to him and to to feel it it it really resonates and it makes me very sad yeah yeah life man but thank god he he had his moment to to shed that light on all of us in the

world and it'll be captured in perpetuity and and uh really a really nice wonderful guy you know that i remember you know he'd see that happen like that go that way yeah yeah i mean he left fucking gems man some oh yeah some amazing movies yeah fifth element oh one of my all time favorite movie the fifth element oh my god yeah very interesting movie yeah just yeah that's just nuts to think that like you just one day it's like mean it's like you know not obviously not trying to sound uh like in a weird way but it's kind of like death if you get to that point where it just kind of turns off yeah you have no recollection i mean it's essentially that which is very sad obviously death is an inevitable part but yeah it's it's it's every day is a damn blessed

thing and yeah it's just you know to see that just happen so quickly that's why we got to get our six packs out and wiggle them around and say fuck it and show them off show it off oh god well bro it's it's it's been a pleasure you're you're a you're a lot cool i didn't know you're going to be like this oh well yeah i didn't know i didn't know it all what to expect what do you think i was you're going to expect i don't know i was you're going to expect i don't know I had no idea what to expect. I didn't either. Because we've never met.

No, first time. The vibes are good. Olive Garden? Can we rub? Can we rub meat muscles together? If we have to. Wow, that's a you thing, not me. You want to do it.

You asked just now. I already asked once. I figured that's where we were going. If we were going to go to Olive Garden. I just want some clams. I like the bread. Hey, we don't have to touch. Okay.

We can do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. And then, thank you for coming on for real. Thank you. And then I want to come do your podcast. Yeah, will you? Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, I'd love that. And then it'll be even better podcast after the Olive Garden experience. We can share that. Oh, yeah. We'll share that. We could talk about that. Yeah, it'll be good. We won't tell all this.

Will you show your six pack on my podcast? I can't. It's not my contract. You can't? I can't. Okay, because I don't want to ask. Yeah. I don't want you to come all the way to my studio and then I embarrass you.

And, and, but if I already know, then I won't waste time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no six pack. No six pack. No six pack on the Harland Highway. No, six back on the Harlan Highway. Okay. We'll figure something else out.

Maybe another one of these. I don't know. Maybe two. Fuck it. Oh, wow. The double bubble. The double bicep, you fucking weird. Yo, pleasure, bro.

You're awesome. Buddy, power pounder. Thanks for coming on. Thank you. So where can they find you if they're interested in watching? Please check out my podcast. podcast, The Harland Highway, on YouTube. Yeah.

We do a new episode every Tuesday. And then I am doing a stand-up tour across the country, the rest of this year, and next year. So go to Harlan Williams.com. Yeah. And coming soon, watch for my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman, uh, hopefully out within the next few months. So we'll keep you posted on that. Nice.

Cool. It's a pleasure, brother. pleasure thank you so much thank you larry thank you