RAWTALK - The Day Fousey Nearly Ended it All

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

This video discusses topics related to suicide and mental health. Viewer discretion is advised. If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek help immediately. There are resources available to support you. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  or visit https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org On this week’s episode of RAW TALK, Fousey speaks on his mental health, how he's been over the past year since his crash out, & how he nearly ended it all. Hope you guys enjoy, see you next Tuesday! Sponsored by: HelloFresh Want free breakfast for live? Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/freerawtalk For one free breakfast item per box while subscription is active!

I had a suicide attempt this year. And I had ideated over suicide the last 13 years. I fantasize about it all the time. I think about it. I planned how I would do it, what I would say, what I would leave behind after I did it. But I don't have the boss to do it. I'm not going to do it. I would always say that until this year.

chapter 12 wow it's one of those moments it's one of those moments it's a yearly thing at this point it is dude it is i i i think i obviously i have some more insight than i think most people do on you in this situation just because i've known you for so many years But what happened from, I swear you're in my gym breaking down every day, like, I can't do this, I won't do this, maybe five people talking to a day about it, repeating the same thing, I can't do this, I don't have it, I don't know what it is, like I don't even want to get on camera, what changed? Like, what actually happened?

You went home, I know you went home. First of all, for I even get into that, yesterday to the day, August 23rd is the one-year anniversary of the Miami crash out when I got arrested and thrown into the psych ward a year ago yesterday yesterday a year okay that fast like look how fast time is moving right now it's been one year since I crashed out and got arrested yesterday and and then you got it how long were you how long were you in that thing again so I was in the psych ward for 14 days and that was a movie on its own being in a psych ward like literally when when i came back to reality after getting drugged up and calmed down i woke up in a psych ward what drugs are they doing

what drugs are they have you they put you on something called booty juice it's like it basically sedates you like no matter how hot juice but what is it actually i don't even know uh i forgot what it was called um i i don't want to even be ignorant and say the wrong thing but all i know you act up you get loud whatever in your arm you're knocked out for a cool 12 hours. Sometimes you wake up, you're strapped up, depending on how crazy you were going. And apparently-

Were you ever strapped up? Yeah, when I moved to another unit in the psych ward, so they transferred me. I went from the actual psych ward where you have people like banging their heads, fighting, screaming, a whole bunch of shit. They put me in more of like a functional facility that was based on tears, like how crazy it was,

like based on floors. When I asked the lady, she was like, oh, my God, you're doing so much better. I said, what do you mean? I just met you. She goes, no, I met you in the first psych ward. You were yelling at me. You were punching the wall. You were screaming.

So in these moments, because you genuinely, you, because I remember once you tried to convince me that you didn't have this bipolar. Yeah. Like you actually have this? I still, I still to this day don't like accept the diagnosis of bipolar. Okay. So then when you were in those moments, when you didn't. remember that situation with that lady what what were you what memories do you have of that so i think what i think it is um what my therapist who people have met by now susy jake paul's therapist i

talked to you about that last year what she tells me is i was in a panic state that's what she says she was the adrenaline the adrenaline was so ramped up and i was so high from live streaming 24 seven for two months in a row that i was in a panic state and when the whole incident in the hotel room happened the stress broke me and i then i went into a state of straight up psychosis and so when you're in this you're not you're just not gathering memories you're not there you're not there like yesterday for the one year anniversary i sat down for the first time and watched the stream of the day at jack dority's house with the island boys when i slapped neon had zero recollection of any of it it was like i was watching it for the first time as if it wasn't me and is

Is that why when you came back and then you were here and you were like, okay, I'm going to start trying to do this? Is that why you have the fear of doing it again and you always fall back and stop because you're not going to be that person? Well, that's what, so what happened was I go into the psych ward for 14 days and then they take me to the facility with the tears. I got in trouble at the facility. They moved me to the schizophrenic unit. What did you get in trouble for? I got into an argument with one of the female techs. Do you remember what about?

It was so stupid. I was sitting wrong on the table. I think I had my feet on the table and she told me to bring it down and I said something in like a attitude way. She was not happy about how I spoke to her. So when I said something back, she said, all right, level four, guards come, take me, throw me in level four. I'm in the schizophrenic unit. So I did that. I did the rehab for 75 days.

The day I got out of the rehab, the day I got out of the rehab, the day I got out. literal day after going through this traumatic ass experience not even decompressing it yet understanding it going like not even being ready i jumped on to i did the appearance on aden ross's podcast yeah where the whole foosie is back the internet went fucking crazy but right after that right after the podcast because i knew i'm acting right now i'm not actually that character that i was portraying. I knew shit was different. And that was the start of the new depression that I was in. And that's what started where you asked me what happened over the months from that moment, from when I got out of the facility, when I got home to my parents and I fell into that depression,

that's when I had to like, I still had to heal at that point. And I wasn't ready. And that's the year that we had that led up to now to be where I'm at. This was the longest, hardest, most difficult, most challenging year of my entire life. And I know you and the internet has heard that time and time and time and time and time again. Yes, but this was different from me because I'll be honest with you. And you're sitting right next to me and I haven't told you this. I thought you were done for good. Yeah.

And I never felt that way any other time. Yeah. And that was because I had enough conversations with you like just in real life, ironically, IRL. And you just kept saying the same thing. I was like, dude, he's just, he's done. I was. You kept, you just kept saying like, I can't do it. I don't know what it is.

Like, I'll get on camera. I won't say anything. And I just kept saying like, bro, just say exactly that. Say what you feel. Say that you feel that way. And you were so afraid to like come in and say anything. But now what's actually going to be different this time? So.

Because I've said that before to you. You have. So, and I know people are tired of this. So let me just put a disclaimer out right now. Last year, when I was doing it and everybody was rooting for me during the G7, like, two-month IRL, it was the last time I feel like people were rooting for the underdog, happy to see me back again. Once I fell that fall, that was my final fall from Grace. There's no more going back to getting the people to be back outside of the people who support me and ride for me and are with me.

There's no way to portray to the larger audience right now, oh, this time's going to be different. just watch what I can do. The sentiment across the internet is Fusi needs to get off the internet. This isn't good for him. He needs to go get a regular job. He needs to be done. And this year, I was done. Done.

I went three months, not even speaking. Mute. I would have internal dialogue in my mind with myself. Full thoughts, full feelings, everything. But when I open my mouth, no words would come out. It's like there was a chokehold on my name. neck and words wouldn't come out. I went three months not knowing how to speak to any individuals. Bro, what, I mean, what do you think it actually is, though, man? Like, why do you

think this is something, this is a part of your life? Well, this one was different. So I'm not even going to put this one in the category of all the other times. This one's its own time. And this one, so here's what happened, okay? If I take you back to right before we did the podcast last year, I lost the fight to Dejy. I, fell into an extreme depression. I went to a mental health institution, tried to get better, didn't work. I went to Peru for ayahuasca, didn't work. Ended up leaving after the fourth session, running home, terrible experience, flew home, went and rehabilitated with my sister. And my confidence was gone. My ego finally died, right, after the Dejy fight. Or so I thought, when I started the two-month

live stream last year with 200 viewers. And then in two months, getting one month, 32,000 subscribers being number eight in the world, being reacted to by Kaisenat, XQC, Aidan Ross, getting a multi-million dollar kick deal on the table for me, getting DMs from celebrities who wanted to do everything for me, the entire internet cheering me on, being in bed with H3H3 in their family and them supporting me, I was on such a high, such. such a high pedestal where I even forgot what your original question is right now. What was the question? It was, it was, it's, I'm just trying to understand like why.

Oh, yeah. So when, when I got to that high again, so what had happened was my ego died after Dejy, but it didn't die. It got quiet. It was like the calm before the storm. Once the numbers, the money and everything happened in a two months span, the ego came out for its final show. 13 years of being in the game on social media,

losing everything, gaining it back, losing everything, gaining it back, finally getting it back better than ever, my ego had its final showdown. And that was the G7 Manic Fusi, the pissing on Jack's lawn. How have you not managed this yet? Like how,

that's what I don't understand. So, because you've been in the game, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Like I remember, I'll never forget at one point,

like you were literally the most popular YouTuber. Like when I met you. Yeah. And then and like what do you attribute this shit to? You have real mental health issues. A lot of unheeled trauma. A lot of unheeled trauma. A lot of just things I didn't work through and unwilling to learn from past mistakes and repeating the same patterns over and over.

It's one thing to do something and learn from it and not do it again. It's another thing to do something. have it happen to you and then make a choice to do it again you don't learn you didn't learn I was self-sabotaging over and over and over and over and over again why you know that's that's stuff I'm still healing from and learning and trying to understand why whenever I put myself in a position of you know power and getting back to relevancy why I choose to self-sabotage and bring is it because I don't feel worthy is it because I you know from a childhood I feel a certain way. I don't know. But I'm begrudgingly not wanting to say this right now because I've said this

before. I'm sure that I have. I think now I haven't managed. Sorry, I'm laughing. I think I haven't managed now. I do. I do. You said the same exact thing to me. I fucking think I haven't managed now. Then why? Why do you think you haven't managed now? Now have you learned. Okay, here's what happened. So I crash again, thrown to the rehab, thrown out in a huge depression. Fusi's now dead. Everything I identified with for the past 13 years, Fusi, the fame, the followers, the money, the success, everything that used to make me me, even the chains, the way I dressed, no longer made me feel like me, was no longer part of my identity. All I was left with, as I've always said, is Yusuf, the person who has never worked on.

They say when you get famous, you're emotionally stunted at that age. Usher once said that. I got famous at 21, I believe, 2011. So I got stunted at that age, never worked on Yusuf, always played a character whenever the camera came on, red camera came on, good morning, said whatever I had to say, camera comes off, I'm depressed. I'm super depressed. I'm this, I'm that, I'm that, never worked on myself.

This year was the first time I was confronted with nothing to turn to, and I had to build a foundation based out of who Yusuf was, and I didn't have any tricks up my sleeve to revive Fusi in another manner. Because whenever I fell before, I just came back with a twist. That's why I'm a part of every single era of social media. Name any era of social media over the last 13 years, Fusi's name was a part of it. whether it be YouTube Cribs, whether it be Dana Tube and documenting the boxing, whether it be the prank era, the vlog era, whether it be my gaming channel, the podcast channel, whether it be July 15th, I was a part of every era because I always had a way to reinvent myself. This time there was no more tricks up my sleeve.

I had done it. I was done. Literally not talking for three months, depressed, sitting at home, not leaving my house, not knowing what the fuck to do. And there is something I think I'm going to bring up and I haven't shared it. I've sprinkled it, but I'm going to give it to you what it actually is in a little bit. But I had was at a place of loss. We were actually, me and my partner.

So remember the guy who started the whole Sub-Aathon last year subscribing to me and that's what got me excited. He ended up being the greatest thing that ever happened in my life, held me down for the entire year, never gave up on me. never turned his back. And even when I told him myself, I'm done with social media for good. This is it. It's over. I now want to become a mental health advocate and a speaker to colleges and younger, like, high schools. He helped me set up my pitch deck, my website and everything for us to go do that. I was never supposed to be in this chair again. I was never supposed to be live streaming ever again. This was literally the end, end, end, end of it all. And I was creating avenues for me to live off the internet for the first time ever talking to me about ever i even

started so what he does with his company he handles social media for different dentists across the country yeah so let's send a videographer to the office get all the instagram reels photos whatever and post three times a week he created my own business g7 mindset marketing and gave me three clients and i was doing that on the side or in the year that i had off and i wasn't even doing anything because I wasn't in the mental capacity to do anything he was doing it all for me I was just collecting the revenue so I was done I was done done done done so what have you actually learned that is helping you work on yourself god damn Brad what have I learned what have I not learned this year oh my goodness so what this year taught me the most is I tried everything under the

son that they tell you that you need to do when you're in the position that I'm in, whether it be therapy, whether it be medications, whether it be ayahuasca, whether it be mushroom, psilocybin, whether it be DMT, Bufo, which I did, whether it be doing a brain scan to find out if I have brain damage and what that was about. I tried everything. When I did Bufo, DMT, and I will up out of the experience, it gave me the answer that I needed because I drove nine hours to get to Vegas in the most depressed state ever, was literally on the phone with my partner telling him, this is going to be it. This is going to bring me back because the reason I wasn't coming back and the reason

that kept me in the quicksand, I kept expecting and wanting to feel like I felt last year. But that version of me wasn't coming back. I wasn't accepting that this new version of me or what's left over after all the carnage and damage is all I have. So if I want to do anything, it has to be out of this place and I can't expect to feel and be a different way as I was expecting.

So every day I woke up and I was in my depression and I wasn't G7, I was like, something's wrong, I'm depressed, I'm not good enough, I can't do it. It wasn't until I did the Bufo, had that experience, woke up out of it where I was like, it's not the medications that are going to make me better. It's not the brain scan. It's not the psilocybin.

It's not this, that, or the other. It's not the brain scan. Everything that I have is already within me and I have to build it out of where I am right now. And it just gave me the clarity and guidance that I needed to do what I needed to take that first initial step to start movement. Why do you think the Bufo helped you so much when, like, people like me were saying that to you? You just didn't matter what was said.

It wasn't, it wasn't, I was still, I was still, I wasn't accepting of that answer. I wasn't accepting. I wasn't accepting to be anything lesser than I was last year. Because last year is what I felt like during July 15th, but that was induced by Adderall. Last year, there was no drugs involved. And I was just crazy. Because I just remember having those conversations with you and you kept going to the same thing. Like I'm not going to be interested.

Like you just were so connected to what that was. Yeah. That like high, you know, that last high you had. Yeah. And you were just so avoidant of just being like, well, this is who you are right now. Just be this. Exactly. And I couldn't do that.

I couldn't accept myself as I was. I couldn't go from last year being talkative, being able to walk around and get content out of anywhere, being able to be quick-witted and funny, being able to be this person to all of a sudden not talk, be depressed, have no confidence. I would look down when I would talk to women where last year my whole shtick was I would walk up to any woman in the world and she wouldn't be out of my. reach. I would be able to talk to her. Ask her for her phone number. Rejection or not. I had confidence. I had no confidence. I had no self-worth. I had no like nothing. I had nothing. I was nobody. I was broken. Broken to the tea. Like I had finally like to give everyone, to give somebody who lost everything, to give them everything and then take it away again, that fuck someone up. coming out of that rehab fucked me up and I just wasn't the same.

My perspective was weird because I feel like you've already had that happen. It's like why is it new this time? Like why was it? How come you couldn't just accept it? And the thing that I kept saying to you was like, just start with where you are now and like just be you in the state in which you are. I mean, obviously, you know, you did it all exactly how you're supposed to. But because I can't, I could just say whatever.

I could just give you advice. And obviously you got to be able to take it or make it what you want it to be. but what I couldn't understand was why you wouldn't just, you know, whether it was go live and just talk how you could and not worry about it being something else. That's what I didn't understand. Like you were so connected to it having to be this high or having to be that entertaining. Like at the end of the day, people loved you and they wanted to just see you regardless and you still avoided it.

And I just wonder where that comes from and truly. Because like I asked you the question earlier about what do you, like what did you actually work on that it has allowed you to just be okay with the fact that it's not FooCG7 fucking most popular bullshit like you said it when you walked in here earlier but it's like why couldn't you just do it just as is I think the reason that's a great point and I think the reason was you were actually a part of my first stream back in January when I tried to return very prematurely do you remember that yeah in and out we went out to in and out yeah couldn't even fake it couldn't even fake it but no one cared no one but i did like internally what was happening

my internal dialogue as i was doing it was fucking torture i couldn't like i i i was nerfed like when they said he got cloned he's nerfed this isn't him i was nerfed i was turned off i couldn't do it i couldn't do it granted fast forward how many months have i been back now i don't know a month or two fast forward to where we are now exactly that piece of advice that you gave me start where you're at is exactly what I did but I was accepting of the fact that this is who I was going to be and I had to build out of that yeah so what that did um you want me to get into that story yeah of course so what that did was one day I was off the internet this entire year the entire year nothing after January streams nothing

even kick who paid me in my advance i didn't it was radio silence nothing told them i'll be back when my mental's good no intention of ever being back didn't know how i was going to recoup the money back to him rob him i didn't know how i was i was like fuck i was like shit aiding gave me 100 k kick gave me this bag what the fuck am i going to do now one day eddie's good for it uh um he is eddie is the greatest fucking CEO i have ever known to this day and we could talk about that yeah One day I'm walking around the mall and I just had an itch. I had this. I moved to San Diego, by the way.

I remember. My mom forced me to move to San Diego. That's when I thought you were done. I was like he's gone. Yeah. Done for good. Actually, this time I felt it. So I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to you about this on your pod for like monetization

purposes. So can I say it? And if it's not good, you could take it out. Yeah. Let me say whatever. I had a suicide attempt this year. And I had ideated over suicide the last day. 13 years. I would always talk about it. Oh, I'm suicidal. I ideate about it. I would tell every therapist

when they ask me, are you in harm of yourself or others? I would say, I fantasize about it all the time. I think about it. I planned how I would do it. What I would say, what I would leave behind after I did it. But I don't have the boss to do it. I'm not going to do it. I would always say that until this year. All right, guys, quick and rush for the podcast. Now, if you've been guessing what you're trying to eat you're trying to lose some weight you're trying to build some muscle whatever it is you're guessing you're making guesses constantly ordering food spending way too much money on postmates it's terrible hello fresh is a meal delivery service that basically sends you all the ingredients that you need to make the meal that's going to be best for you and your goal whatever you're trying to

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sustainable and they can't continue the diet. Hello Fresh is going to allow you guys a way to have the food still be healthy, still taste good, still be super convenient delivered straight to your door. So give it a shot right now, Hello Fresh is offering free breakfast for life. Hellofresh.com slash free raw talk. You get one free breakfast item per box. Again, that's free breakfast for life just by going to hellofresh.com slash free raw talk. Give it a shot. Let's get back into this podcast. So this year when I was living in LA, I read this article. I forgot how it popped up. Like it's crazy when I guess your phone, you know, your phone listens to what the fuck you're saying. So my Twitter feed, two things that came up. One, a woman who had an assisted suicide in a foreign. country. Yeah, I saw that. And I was like a younger woman, right? Yeah. And the first thing I said was I want that. I loved her justification for it. I loved her rationalization. And that's what I wanted. But that was out of reach. Another article pops out. A woman killed her husband by putting vizene eye drops into his tea. So this now gave me, I'm scared of guns. I fantasized repeatedly

Like my ideation was jumping off a bridge. That's all I saw over and over and over again. Over and over and over again. You just, you see yourself on top of the bridge. I planned how I would do it, what I would say to the camera, the jump, everything. But I was too scared to do that. You grew up a camera there?

Yeah. Yeah, that was going to be my farewell. That was going to be my farewell. Jesus Christ. But when I found out that you can do it in a harmless way, what were you going to say? Huh? What were you going to say?

Um, I think I was going to, uh, every every person that had had like affected me over my past I was going to like say a thing to and I was going to like I had a lot of resentment towards everybody I was going to be like ain't none of you better fucking post a rest in peace foocy after this y'all weren't there when I was fucking you know so don't even try I was just going to go off on everybody everybody yeah when I found out that there was a way to do it that wasn't painful, I was sold. I was all in. That's all I ever wanted. I would Google it. How can you

kill yourself? Da-da-da-da-da. You know, there's only so much info that you can get. And a lot of the info that was out there, I wasn't willing to do until the eyedrops. So I go to Walgreens. I buy 20 boxes of Visian eyedrop. 20. Take them home. One by one, poured it in a glass. One by one, every single drop into the glass, right? And I had it on the table. And I had it on the table. table. And I knew you drink that. That's it. What the fuck is in vizene? I forgot what it was called. There's one ingredient in vizene. You can look it up. That is supposed to kill you. Jesus Christ. So I put 20 in a cup. It's sitting on my table. You put in your fucking eye. It's kind of trippy. Literally.

What the fuck. Because that goes through the same tracks as you know your throat. So I look at that cup and I know if you drink this cup, that's it. You're out. Sales of I zine going down right now. Sorry. It might. Nobody try this at home, please. No, if sales is going down, because they... Oh, yeah, sales is going down. Sales going down. So I put the cup on my table and it's, I wanted it so bad. I was stuck of where, being in that same groundhog day, I was stuck being in that mental state. I knew all I needed to do was drink that cup, but I couldn't

get myself to do it. Sat there for four days. Finally, on the fourth day, literally as if I'm on autopilot. I'm like, I'm doing the whole routine that I always do was waking up, smoking cigarettes, pissed off, yelling on the phone, like just done. I go to the cup and my something took over me. It wasn't me. I reach for the cup and I start chugging. And as I'm doing it, it's such an out-of-body experience because you're not in control of it and you know you're done. You're gone. You're like, this is it. After I do that, There was a woman who was helping me pack some stuff. So I think I was ready in the move to San Diego, right?

So she was helping me pack some stuff. She ended up coming back at 7 p.m. After I had taken it to see me. When I opened the door, I'm like drunk. Vising got me fucked up, right? I'm like drunk and I'm like, saying all this shit. And I tell her, I'm about to die.

I just drank this vizine. Without her even thinking or questioning, she puts me in the car. She drives me to the emergency room, Kaiser Permanente. The doctor's pissed when he finds out what happened. He goes like, because, you know, like, why the fuck would you do that to yourself? Why the fuck? So it was too late to be pumped or anything.

So they had to just monitor me. So they hooked me up, hooked me to IVs, laid me out. Like, I'm thinking, finally, I'm going to go to sleep and I'm not going to wake up out of this and it's done. This is it. Like, I've done it. Like, I've succeeded. I achieved my goal.

I lay down. I think I sent a video to my ex at the time telling you're like, yo, deuces, like, you know, like, I love you. Like, I'm out. My heart rate dropped below 30 over that night. And the next day, I wake up. And I'm like, fuck! I was pissed. I was genuinely, genuinely, genuinely, genuinely pissed off.

It didn't kill me. So, when you've. Rewind a little bit. Yeah. You had it there for a couple days. And on the fourth day, you decided just to do it. Yeah. What was different that day?

Fed up. Fed up. Over it. Done. Done. Knowing nothing changes if nothing changes. I certainly wasn't doing anything to change my circumstances. I certainly had been living the last year with the same groundhog day every single day.

I certainly believe that nothing ever, no matter what, was ever going to get me at in that position. The thoughts and feelings of depression were so deep. You couldn't do anything to persuade me that there was another side to that darkness that I was in. Why do you think you didn't have enough to persuade yourself? Because clearly you knew. It wasn't about anyone else. Yeah. I know myself so well.

So despite me going through all of the shit that. that I go through. I'm highly self-aware. I'm highly self-aware of the good and the bad of me. Every therapy appointment I've ever been in, they go, wow, you're very self-aware. And I would be like, that's fucking great, but it's not like I do anything about it to change anything. So where I was at, knowing, like, I'm a logical person. So my mind breaks down every single possible way that my reality can go. And there was no fucking avenue or way that I saw myself being able to, to go, that was going to get me out of that darkness. It was every ounce fiber of my body being belief system was convinced that this,

if you don't kill yourself, what I always said during that time is 99% of people in this position and mental capacity that I'm in take their own lives. The 1% that don't stay alive their entire life until they die, but they stay alive in that misery. Every Reddit post I would search of people who were going through what I was going through. Yeah, when I was 34, I had the chance to kill myself. I didn't. Now I'm 56. I regret not doing it. I'm still in the same position. I was fucking convinced. I was like that darkness was so deep. You couldn't, nobody, nothing could persuade me. Steve will do it. Have to give him his flowers, right? When I wasn't streaming, he invited me to Vegas.

because he wanted to help me. He would hit up my partner because he loved G7. He loved G7 Fusi. He hit up my partner, yo, I can help him, bring him here. Brought me to Vegas. Gave me a penthouse, right? Like that out. But the last year when I was in the penthouse, I was excited, ecstatic.

Oh my God, look at me. Da-da-da-da. Going crazy, right? Not even a tickle of anything. I was just sitting there depressed as fuck. Went to his house. ate his mom's Christmas food. It was Christmas time.

Everything. He, you know, Steve is Steve. Takes me into his garage. Gives me a fucking, I forgot how expensive of a fucking watch. Super expensive watch. I think it was an AP. Just threw it on my wrist. Did nothing to me.

Nothing. Now, not out of not being grateful. But the depths of where I was in were so deep. That wasn't doing anything to me. Before we left, he won a big bet, a huge bet. he threw me $50,000. Cash. Just gave it to me.

Right? Nothing. My old self would have been through the fucking moon. It did nothing to me. And that showed me nothing anybody can do for me or can give me is going to change this.

Give me $10 million right now. I'm still going to be in this depression. That's why I was so convinced. But with that being said, shout out to Steve will fucking do it. Held me down. Took care of me. No cameras.

Nothing. ever even said it tell this moment right here what he did for me off camera which is insanity but it did nothing to me so i knew there's no getting out of this that's it you either die or you live like this for the rest of your life so why do you not have that mental state now okay because now you're here right now now you know that that was not the best choice yeah so two things one of them I'm not going to talk about because it's a very, I'll talk to you about it off camera. Okay. It's a very sensitive topic and people are going to have a lot to say about it.

And it's my experience with Reiki. You know what Reiki is? Yeah. It's my experience with Reiki. I have a lot I can say about that. And I did two months of that. We'll talk about that off camera. But another-

Why not on camera? You think people are going to say it's like, like witchy magic kind of shit? The people of the religion are going to be super, super, super, super, super, super, super upset. And like, it's like, it's just, it's, it's blast. for me in a lot of ways. Like I just, I, I, I choose to just not even bring it up. Not even, not even tether on the idea. But you think if it helped you, fuck it. I'm not, I'm not even giving it that power on camera. I'm not even saying it helped me. I'm just saying I had an experience with it. That's all I'm going to say. Um, and the second thing outside of doing

everything that I did, the brain scans, the, the psychedelics, everything. One day, I'm in the mall. Or I wasn't in the mall. Like, I wasn't shopping. I was just, I got out of the house to my dog in a san diego shopping area um as i said after that attempt my mom was happy that i was moving to san diego i moved to san diego and i don't think i would have got out this hole if i stayed in la the energy in san diego is just different yeah you walk out of the house it's sunny it's quiet you can walk your dog people are nice it's different i needed that calm one but two one day i'm walking around the mall walking my dog and i had an itch and it said just stream just stream just go because I had my entire desktop setup set up for the entire year, but never turned the computer on for streaming.

Three monitors set up, crazy PC, crazy mic, everything. Love the vibes of my house, the Feng Shui, and I never used it. And I told myself, just stream. I go into my Discord, hadn't been in the Discord the entire year, chatted to them and said, how would you guys feel if I just sat on the desktop tonight and talked to you? It erupted. I start getting excited. For the first time in a year, you go from being zero percent energy,

0% life, so all of a sudden now I'm going to stream. People got excited. It got announced on Twitter. People were expecting it. They hadn't seen me since January. I go home. We set everything up. I pay for the service that you need to do the back end shit, whatever, whatever.

I press go live. I'm expecting, I swear to you, 200 people there, like when I started the live stream last year. Because of whatever, me not streaming for that long, whatever, whatever, I started it with high-ass energy. That stream. non-botted, got 41,000 concurrent viewers. Exploded.

Like blew my expectations out of that water. Within 30 minutes of me being on that high again, I'm back. Book me to Vegas. I'm going. I'm talking all this shit. The ego woke up instantly, right? I go crazy. I end the stream.

I'm all over Twitter. I trended. They did my own category where they write up an excerpt about Fusi. is return stream. I'm clipped in thousands of pages of like this saying this about free Palestine, saying this about Aden, this is this, this is this. I call my partner and I'm like, we're back. We're going to go crazy. When I wake up the next day, I realized, do you not fucking learn? Do you not fucking learn from the past? You're doing it again. You're back. You're going to go to Vegas. You're going to do this. You're forgetting everything that you promised yourself and said you

wouldn't do. So I ran up another stream that day and I talked about it. And I said, no, I'm not back like that. I didn't do this with the intention of being back. And I shut it down. I said, I'm not doing this for the views. I'm not doing this for anything. I'm doing this to give myself something to do at night because of how miserable that I've been. So for the next month, I just did desktop streams and I did small irals and they were the shittiest irals ever they were literally me walking around with a camera complaining being negative venting talking to myself walking around the park talking about how i'm a loner how i lost everything how g7 fluci's never coming back just negative negative negative negative negative shit i paid back kick all the hours that i owed them i owed them i owed them hours from

the advance i paid that all back i made good with that and then i forgot what stream it was so So by doing those baby steps, taking that first step, and then gradually being okay with, I don't care how many viewers are watching, I don't care if I'm clipped, I don't care about this, that, or the other, I'm doing this for me to give myself something to do and connecting to my core audience. Instead of doing what I've done my entire career, which is go from here to here in the shortest amount possible, I was okay with going from here to here, to here, to here. step, something I've never done. All of a sudden, I do one IRL, something I thought I could never do.

I'm not funny anymore. I'm not talkative. I can't do it. There was a guy from my gym in San Diego who took me to a party area of San Diego, Pacific Beach, and we just walked around. And there was a glimmer and a glimpse of Fusi. I talked to girls. I wasn't like back, but I talked to girls. I talked to people. I interacted with people. I was myself. And that showed me, holy shit, you do have it. The difference was last year's G7 Fusi, nothing was, it was on 24-7. So nothing was like, it wasn't a switch that turned on. It wasn't an act.

It wasn't a character. I really believed my own shit. I thought I was that guy. I thought I was him. I believed my own shit. My shit doesn't stink. I'm that guy, right? But this time what I learned is you're a performer.

Camera turns on. You could turn it on. I'm not being a fake personality, but I can be talkative. I can talk to girls. Granted, it's not natural like it once was, but I'm a normal person. I like, you know, when your social battery goes out, I'm a normal person. I have a social battery. I can expend it for as long as I want until it's out. And I started to build on that baby steps. And little by little, I got myself back to now, we're in the position we're in now when I'm sitting here right now, which I think is the greatest version I've ever been, a controlled chaos version of the version that I was,

I know how to turn it on and I know how to turn it off. When the camera comes on, I know how to play. But when camera comes off, I'm finally okay with who I am as a person who's a very quiet, subdued introvert to himself who just likes relaxing and hanging out. So, with all that said, what if it gets to the point again where there's so much more attention? Do you think you just fall back into that, who you were prior? Great point. And I don't reason being last year when I was getting the subscribers that I was getting, it would literally like, it was like pouring gas on the fire.

The more subscribers I got, the more gas that was poured. What I learned instantly, and I learned this from January. is that, because I was getting subs in January, what I learned was they weren't doing anything to me. It wasn't tickling me. It wasn't, I wasn't giving a shit. Granted, yes, great, subscribers, great, finances, great, money, great, but it wasn't pouring gas on the fire.

It wasn't upping me. It wasn't getting me, you know, excited. Like, it was just regular. So there was a distinction. So A, for the first time, and I know I've said this before, I have a full team, I have a partner. a videographer who's fucking great. My therapist is a part of everything and watching everything. We don't call her therapist. We call her just my life coach. She's watching everything. And the most important part is I turn off. I can go out do an eight hour stream, but then

we turn it off. I get to sleep. I get to eat. I get to relax. I get to be myself. I get to be. Why are you so disconnected from those basic things anyways? Like, why are you allowing that to happen because I've always been the type I'm either zero or a hundred and I've always gone from zero to 100 real quick and everything that I've done July 15th was done in one week think about it the live streaming was done in two months everything was always zero to 100 I know how to get to the top I've done it time and time again don't know how to stay there don't know how to sustain myself without self-savitaging and bring myself down for the first time ever now I'm and I told everybody because everybody when I first started streaming again, bring him out. Where is he? Crash out. Go crazy.

I said, just trust the process. Watch me slow build and watch what happens. And now that they've seen two months of consistent streaming, seeing me do a dating show with myself in LA, see me do a dating show with Sneiko, see me go to Ice Poseidon's Hunger Games, see me do all these things. And they're seeing like, holy shit, this is even better than last year. He's not crashing out. He's not crazy. And people glorify. what last year was. I was a piece of fucking shit last year. I cussed out everybody. I thought I was the shit. Everybody was beneath me. I would literally spit on the ground that they walked on thinking that I'm better than them. I was a shitty person. Now I'm just now for the first time ever I'm treating it like a job. Camera comes on. I'm working. When my mom calls me, I don't go, I'm streaming. I go, I'm working. I'm working now. I'm literally doing what I should have done my entire career. This is, and this is, without it being said, obviously my last fucking chance.

There's no. Yeah. They're already over it. The people watching right now, like, I have my audience who are so fucking loyal, we've been doing great on kick, we've been loving it, the vibes have been whatever. They got me. My people who have been with me since 2011, they're still there. Yeah.

When I go out in the streets, obviously I have one of the most notable faces, I think, on social media, I think, because when I was coming up, all of them were kids. Now they're all grown adults. And they're all like, you're my childhood. We watched you growing up. That'll never be gone. But the people watching here, I already know what the comments are going to say. I already know where their sentiment and their regards is. But that's why I'm not trying to prove anything to anybody. Not asking for a second chance. I respect their opinions. And I get it. I fucking get it. I think the key in all this and just knowing you for so long is like actually, learning the lessons because you said something earlier that like before you got back into this

again that I found interesting you even mentioned this to me personally when I was messaging you just in between time being like what are you going to do like what are you where you at you know when you were gone and you said you wanted to do speaking yeah right my question to you on that is how could you ever do or speak from a place of a place where you're still lost like meaning how can you get in front of kids or people and say hey this is how you do it when yeah obviously you're you You're very good at learning the internet, knowing what to do, knowing how to do that. But I didn't think that's what you wanted to speak to kids about. The fact that you did try to take your life, it didn't work out.

It's telling of like, should that be someone that's teaching or talking? I mean, I'm glad that it didn't happen that way. I'm glad you were saved. But the real question is like, how could you? Because I think in the long run, I think that's something you'd be really great at. if you finally learn these lessons. So how do you actually, like, do you take day by day? Do you spend time in your day now that's not work that is like trying to like really go through

and say, okay, what, and what am I learning now? What do I have to relearn again? Because that's the thing is like we continually like, because at some point, right, let's say four months from now, you keep doing it, you get a little more, you get a little more. And then you get to a point for all we know, you get to a point again where that's why you talk to those audience. So they're like, yeah, I'm, we'll give it six months, he's crashing out, right? To actually learn that lesson to get to that point to be able to know, to stop yourself and go, hold on a second.

Yeah. I don't need to go over this edge. Because if you can learn that lesson, if you could truly learn that, then you just, whether it's the most views or smaller views, you just keep going. And then you could actually speak from a perspective of like, if you want to go teach or talk or do those speaking, like from a place of like, I've actually done this and not like I'm just still struggling in it. So, like, how do you actually do the work day by day? And are you still keeping inventory of that day by day? So beautiful fucking point. And I think you just spoke for the masses with what you just said.

From the beginning of my career, it was always, how are you going to be a motivational speaker if your life is so fucked up? And first of all, every fucking day is a new learning experience. And that's why I'm working very closely with my life coach, Susie. And we go through everything. If I do something in a stream that she sees that like, yo, we talk about it. And I talk about it. I go, I didn't like how I spoke to this gentleman this way.

I don't like how I did this. And we literally mind like the minute details of what I did wrong and how I can better myself. I'm not fucking perfect. I'm still like, you know, I'm still in my path of healing. And my speeches weren't going to come from a place of I'm healed. Let me teach you how I got healed and show you, you know, how I got there. They were going to come from a place of I've struggled. I've gone through depression.

I've had a suicide attempt. I've been where a lot of you are, but I'm still persevering and fighting to get there. And also, let me show you guys, what I've always wanted to do, show you the dark side of this industry. Let me reveal the curtains behind social media of the lives that you guys are watching, thinking are all perfect because of what you see. and let me show you the real side. Let me show you the real story. Let me be an example to y'all that everything that glitters isn't gold. That's what it was all going to come down to what my speeches were going to be about.

But it was never going to come from a place of, I've been there, I've done that, I'm healed, let me teach you. That's what you got the Tony Robbins for. That's what you got the David Goggins for. But me was going to come from a place of I'm hurting. I'm still hurting. I'm still healing, but I'm still fighting. and let me share with you my experience, if anything, just to show them that they're not alone.

Yeah. You know, it's so interesting about that, though. That's, and I'm not saying I have the answers, because obviously, like, you know, I could speak about the thing you said about things not being great, even though, like, it looks like that from the outset for myself as well. But that thing that you just said was everything that I was, like, trying to kind of say to you while you were at your low point, like, just to do.

Mm-hmm. Like, you didn't have to get that. You didn't have to get on a podium. to say it it was like you just get on your shit me like this is where my life's at you did say that verbatim and so so that's what's so interesting like just at some point where i'm like how come it it switched i mean again it's anyone could say anything to a thousand times we could say you know put that down don't eat this food don't do that don't do that anyone right and it's just i just want to figure out that exact moment of like you're oh and not even that just that because that moment is there and it's

fleeting because like you'll get to a point again in your life whether it's in the next five years or six months or three years whatever where you're at that challenge you're at that pivot point again where you have to go okay whether I'm the best I've ever been or I'm this version that people want me to be or this version I think I should be I'm still me I'm fucking human I'm trying to be better you know that was as beautiful as you could say it and you know I remember there was a time in rehab where I had a moment of clarity and And it was just a moment, like you said, because there's, like, this is going to be a lifelong battle.

This is going to be a lifelong fucking battle. But there was a moment in rehab, one of my rehabs where my brother was on the phone with me and I had told him everything I learned. And he said, we've been trying to tell you this for years. Why did you not listen before? And I guess, like, you know, like you can tell somebody that stove's hot, don't touch it, until they touch it and get burned. And sometimes not only once.

You can tell your boy, yo, don't get back with her. Look what just happened in the relationship. He might go back to her two, three, four times. where he, until he realizes, oh, shit, this girl ain't for me. And I guess I'm very stubborn and I have trouble listening to others and, you know, taking in what they're trying to say without me going out and doing it myself before I had to learn. And I think I had to fuck up that many times.

I had to lose everything that many times. I had to go through what I went through to finally grow through what I went through and get to this point that I'm at now. You guys could have told me forever. You could have literally said, Yusuf, don't do this. this is going to happen and I still would have done it until I finally learned my lesson of you can't do this anymore this has to be different yeah and I think that's what happened to me after that first live stream with 41,000 viewers because I was back on it I was an I announced

Vegas I did this I did that I said word gone next morning I woke up and I was like I felt it and I was like yo no that's not what you're going to do again learn your fucking lesson granted I just went to Vegas but it was a completely different experience I was completely different It was great at the time of my life. You know, it's so interesting, though, the idea. I mean, I think people obviously know that no one's life is perfect, no matter how much stuff they have. I actually, I don't know if people truly know that,

because I think maybe people, maybe they see because of social media, like, I mean, I personally think social media has, like, really distorted so much shit in people's lives, like relationships, just views of, like, themselves and self-worth. But I'm saying all this to say, like, it is a real thing that I don't know people and I guess it's been said many times but people really don't I don't want to say they don't get it and it's not in the sense of like we have things that they don't have something I'm saying I'm just saying like when you see someone else's life and like I'm sure you've seen other people's lives growing up where you're like oh they have

this and their their life must be like that whatever it's a celebrity or someone on social media is really not, I think we create, for some reason, the most, like the most beautiful picture of other people's lives, but we don't create that for ourselves in our own lives. It's such a weird thing. And it's this comparison, this, I don't know, thief of, you know, they say it's a thief of joy, happiness, because you're like, oh, this person has this. And I just wish more people knew that it's, it's, that beautiful picture you paint in someone else's life that you don't know, that you just think it is something, why not try to just

paint that in your own life? And I'm speaking that from perspective of like, I've been there and I do that. And I have this perspective about other people if they have more this, more that. And I've had this for years and moments where it's, you know, greater. It pulls me stronger. It makes me feel worse about myself. And I still struggle with it. I don't think to the degree that you've probably struggled with it, like in relationship to yourself and your own like, oh, it has to be like this. Yeah. I just wish more people were comfortable with like where they're at

because like where you're at is how you get to where you want to be yeah and if you're painting these beautiful pictures for other people

like you're not painting it for yourself you're not spending the time on yourself it's just like this version that you're painting and then all your energy is going towards that

and then you look at your life and you're like fuck instead of instead of being like well I want my like looking at where your life is I want it to be like this

I'm willing to put the work and effort to learn the lessons to look at what I'm actually going through and say oh this is fucked up that was fucked up the way that I treat this person was fucked up, the way that I was in this situation was fucked up. I should

remove myself from this. I should be better here. People just don't do enough of that now. I swear to God, it's because of the internet. The internet has fucked up so much shit because there's so much external stimulus. Yeah. And you literally grew up, like you got to, I think what people don't really get about you if they don't think about it. You at 21 years old was famous, super famous. Like those prime years of your life, like your whole identity, and I know this about you because I've known you for a long time, your whole identity was on views, dollars, money, even though like you weren't like a, you weren't a shithead about it necessarily like some cases you were, but you weren't like, it didn't make you everything you were,

but I could tell like looking back now why your perspective got so fucking twisted was because like you literally grew up in it. And I just wish people could take that advice of like, yo, paint your own life beautiful and learn like look at yourself and look at the fucking mistakes and learn from the lessons instead of just go, no, I learn. that's why I was saying earlier like can you take moments and just like you should do this and obviously I'm not your fucking therapist and I'm not you you to do whatever you want to do but take moments every day and go what did I actually learn today about myself not about things just like where am I at and go okay is it good is it bad and just make those inventory checks because I think that's the only way that you'll be able to have continued success because you're you're good dude man like I've known you for a long time it's sad that you had to go through a point where I mean literally trying to take your life to get to this point because a lot of people will take their life and never get to this point and see how hopefully you could be a success story. Hopefully you could truly have this story to tell that when you get to a point

in your life, I don't know the next five years, the next three, whatever it is, where you could actually say like, I don't have all this stuff I've ever wanted, but I'm, but I'm fucking happy. Yeah. You know? And you're able to do that. I really hope you do that because there are a lot people out there that will take their lives and it won't they'll never be able to reach that point because they were so busy painting these pictures of other people and not of themselves yeah you drop so many gems right now and there's so many different things i can piggyback off of what you just said i don't even know where to start from or what to choose um some things that are ringing in my head is a you're 100% in that read of that's how i grew up in my 20s and stuff i got my entire self-worth not through

human interaction friendships connections i saw it i got it off of how much many likes did I get this post? What are the comments saying about me? They love me. I love me. They hate me. I hate me. But there wasn't, it wasn't like, yo, regardless of what they say, I know me, I'm good. I never had that. Another thing, and this is the first time of my career, I don't run any of my social medias. My team does for the first time. I don't do anything. I can't. I can't for that very reason. Just like when Ryan Garcia says by management, but let me drop the hard R and then say by management let me condemn Palestine and say that it doesn't deserve to be its uh uh and then say management do you do you do you do you saw all that

stuff do you think that was like uh do you do you think he actually deals with mental stuff 100% he 100% and this is before his fight um um um with devon hayney and when he was crashing out he was going through a G7 Fusi crash out 100%. And then he lied to everybody when he went on the mic and said, I fooled y'all. I'm not crazy. Ha, ha, ha, I got you. For then only one month later to get drunk, drop the hard R all over his voice notes and

people and say that, you know, after he said he was going to donate 20 million to Palestine, say Palestine doesn't even have a right to exist and do everything. that he said he's totally gone he's totally gone totally it's not on me to speak because i get it but i do definitely feel like he needs to reach out and get help as well yeah i think do you i hope he is i think he has been i don't know i don't know interestingly enough we're going to see him today we are and i'm going to say something i have to i have to i just saw action man at ice beside his hunger games yeah he said something very vile in a drunken rant about palestine and who would i be being in the same room with somebody of that, like, in that regard and not say something to them.

I'm not going up to you being like, I'm going to beat your ass. Obviously, I'm not. But as a man, I am going to come to you and confront you about what you said online and tell you that I don't feel like that shit was cool. And if I see Ryan, I'm going to have to do the same thing. Maybe do it off camera. You think so? Yeah, I don't. I mean, it's your choice.

I mean, my stream is live. So, I mean, do whatever you want to do. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. I do remember thinking like, yeah, it's the, the, when he was like, you know, when he was like, Like, yeah, it was all I got to was a joke. And I was like, wait. But then. And then he said he was going to rehab.

And that's how he got everybody to simmer down on quiet. And then he didn't go to rehab. I don't know, though. I don't know what he's actually done. I haven't talked to him about it specifically. I hope that he has done something for himself. I think he would. Again, I don't know enough details of it.

Again, I can't speak on anybody. I have all people and not speak on anybody. You for sure, bud. Yeah. That's what when a girl tells me when she's about to tell me something, And she goes, oh, but you can't judge me. I go, how the fuck would I judge you when all my skeletons are out the fucking bag? You know?

Well, yeah, I don't do social media. I even, in my depression before I even came back, deleted my TikTok because I would lay in bed. Two hours would go by. I just got programmed brainwashed by whatever the algorithm wanted me to get programmed and brainwashed by. bought some stuff on the TikTok shop that I don't even know how I ended up buying. And then like woke up like, what the fuck? and realize i got to delete this app yeah that shit's brainwash yeah tictox crazy crazy it's it's fuck man it's so nuts how that works i just don't i man i wonder where all this goes

truly like i really wonder where all this goes social media just it just seems to be like ramping up election shit it's just like it's getting it's getting stirred the fuck up we're talking about it yeah but it's just like fuck dude where is this all i don't want to say it ends but but where does this all go? We're in a dystopian future, like a reality for sure. But I think where it goes is AI. Well, that's the scary part because AI is like, there's what's real. This is, it's like, and then it's like politics are like AI and crowds or they're like, it's like AI and that person said this or it's fucking crazy.

We're living in a black mirror episode. As soon as porn becomes AI, as soon as artists that labels. lease our AI and they don't need to go find somebody from the streets of Philadelphia or the streets of, you know, L.A. to find the next big rapper when they can just make an AI and you wouldn't even be able to tell. Is this a real person or is this AI? It's a rap. It's a rap. It's a rap for every industry, for every job, for everything. And at that point, just stay at home, believe in your God, pray, eat your food, be happy. Don't believe anything you see. on the TV already don't believe

anything you see on the TV and the fucking media. That's straight brainwash and a fucking lie. And just live your life. Just live your life. Yeah, that's all that's... We're fucked. We're fucked. We're fucked. We're living in a Black Mirror episode. We're fucked. Scary, dude. Yeah, there's no getting out of it. I don't

think there's no, there's no like there's no fixing the situation. It's not like, oh, we're getting here, but let's ramp it back and get us to here. No, the plane has took off. We're going up. Like, we're going up. they're going to full G7 dude they're cracked out they're G8 at this point they're G8 at this point we're gonna crash out we're literally fucked it is it is a scary thing though because it's like

damn at some point do you think like even even this podcast you just create AI to just do podcast 100% say what they want to say 100% why would they not yeah why would they not like the thing I use as a metaphor a lot is what they're going to do to the music industry why have, you know, an artist who has to come up with their own verses and rely on their talent and their shelf life and their look and they're aging when you could literally just AI generate your dream artist, have them say whatever you want to say, back any presidency candidate that you want them to back, do the brand deals. Like, you don't have to, you don't have to argue with an influencer, hey, you didn't do that brand deal correctly. Give us back to $50,000.

You could get the AI to say whatever the fuck you wanted to say. But do you think, though, so on that I don't know if it can go that far, though, because, like, unless the lines of human and AI just gets so blurred, that you can't tell the difference. I think it will. Did you see the advancements in one year? Yeah. If you look at AI where it was a year ago,

and then they show a comparison to where AI is now in one fucking year, and it's not even close to where it's going. Oh, my God. Yeah, I see what you're saying. They could literally AI me and get me to, like, Like, you know, they can extort me by doing something I never did and have a BAI and be able to pass it off as real. Like the lines are going to, there's going to be laws and regulations and stuff that are involved just for this. It's bad.

Yeah. It's real bad. Real bad. So I think we all have a shelf life. Yeah. How long do you think till, I mean, till something like that is actually a reality. I'm not good at that. Like, I don't know where we are in technology or science or.

to know where we're at. I'm sure the people who are making it behind the scenes know, and they know by this year, everything is going to be this, but we're getting closer, pretty fat. People are going to own that and there's going to be complete control of that.

And it's just like, damn, dude, we're just a bunch of fucking sheep. It's over. It's literally over. Simulation into simulation. Yeah. It's literally over.

Genuinely. 100%. One thing about streaming, by the way. that I was going to say the reason I wasn't going to come back and I didn't even know if I wanted to bring this up but the reason I wasn't going to come back is because when I came back right

when I got out of rehab when I started streaming the two months last year in the beginning of my sub-a-thon I said granted I didn't invent IRL streaming I did not you know there's goats before me that paved the way and I always pay homage to goats shout out like ice Poseidon and the CX community Yeah. But when I started my sub-a-thon last year where the streaming culture was at that time, I would literally say, I guarantee you everybody and their mothers starts doing this and streaming how I'm streaming.

And it's going to get so big where corporations are even going to back it and start doing it and live streaming in the capacity that I'm doing it in is going to be the new meta and the new norm. By the time I get out of rehab, not only is that true, but the entire fucking. game has changed the entire game which part what are you talking about all of it all of it all of it all of it the business side of it the the i'm going to fast forward to before i started again i hit up one of the biggest streamers in the game and i had questions and one of my first questions was do people view bot i was still ignorant to it like when i had exposed fake pranks but then i shot myself in the fuck because everyone else said their pranks were real but mine were fake i had that question do people view by and i was ignorant to it i didn't know i believed it to be true but i didn't know the answer

the answer that came back to me and what i learned about the industry and how much it's a pay to play uh pay to win system and how corrupt it's gotten i never wanted to come back i was like that's not the game i went into that's not where it was when i was streaming two uh for two months and happy about my success and grinding and seeing the natural viewership go up and how it works. Now, I'm not going to break it down here. I don't think it's the time to do that. I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot again. But the corruption and how deep it goes and the names that are involved for the streaming industry, it broke my fucking heart.

It was worse than learning Santa isn't real. It goes deep. It goes fucking deep. Deeper than just who's viewboding and who's not. It goes fucking deep. and the game is not one that I wanted to play and I wasn't going to go back to it. What do you mean?

Like deep in the sense of what? Bodding everything, bodying views, bodying followers, bodying likes. Like what do you mean? That's all a given. That's just like take that off the table.

That's all a given. That's already happening. That's obvious, right? But it goes deeper than that. And even for one example, when we had started it to last year, my partner had created, he had an idea,

he wanted to do, the Andrew Tate method. Let's get people to clip for us and we'll pay them on an incentivized purpose or if they get X amount of views, they'll get paid. He created that. He created that server. Now, there are different companies that literally clippers work for where if you get X amount of views, you get paid out and it's entire business that runs. So based on how much you're willing to invest into your clippers and how much you're willing to pay out for them to get you their views is how much real estate you're going to have on people's social media feeds as opposed to it just being in an organic thing where if you did something that has virality,

it's going to go viral. But now it's a pay to win. And that's just one of the one of the notches. But I think people knew that. I think everyone kind of knows that. No? It's, but it wasn't,

it wasn't as real and concrete as it is now where there are literal agencies that do that, where it's a literal thing, where it's like, you know, based on how much real estate you have on a timeline is based on how much money you've invested and how much people you're paying your clippers and how much you're clip farming to get the clip when i was doing it last year i wasn't clip farming granted everything was a fucking clip because i was cuckoo but i wasn't clip farming now everything is what do you say how big do you go how much do you cross the line to get that clip that's going to go viral on social media yeah well i yeah i mean that that was the I feel like that was the only natural like

not saying it's a good thing but I'm saying that was the only natural evolution of what it was going to be like because that's just that's just that's just that's just the edge of the surface well what what's deeper than that though I don't want to get into it no no is that why you're putting the fucking

shiasty on I'm not I'm not ready for that yet I'm not ready to expose it yet why shoot myself in the foot again why do what I didn't know one no one's going to believe me and it doesn't matter it doesn't matter no one's going to believe me and it's going to be forgotten about in 15 minutes. So the only person who it's going to harm and effect is myself.

You know, they're going to shoot the messenger. Yeah. They're going to shoot the messenger. Tell me off camera. I will. I'm pretty sure I know. I will. I'll tell you off camera.

It's just it's not, it's not what it was. Granted, my feed, personally, my favorite social media that I do consume, I said I don't do social media, but I still consume social media. And the only social media I consume is X. and my feed is full of who is viral and a part of the culture in this day and age. And the only names I can say to that are Phase Clan, AMP, Speed, Aiden Ross. Yeah. You can throw XQC in there.

Outside of that, like, that's my feed. That's the culture. That's who people talk about. That's who's relevant. That's the now. That's the it. That's the it crowd. That's, that's it.

But do you think it's all just driven off of how much they're paying? No. With them, no. They actually have real estate in the game. They're the names that whether you pay or not, we're putting you on the feeds. Like, you know, Fays Banks is a fucking genius with what he did to Face Clan. Oh, 100%. When he first announced them and it was just everyone was like, oh, old phase clears, this isn't whatever.

Now look at it. Yeah. Now look at what he's done. done in that short amount of time where he's done with face. I mean, we literally sat on this pot and talked about him doing that before it did it. And exactly what you said. Yeah, the reaction was like, oh, this is wash. You guys suck.

You kicked out all the gamers. Then now it's like, oh, shit, this is, oh, this is it. Face Clan is the new generation. Like they're literally the new who the kids are going to watch, who the kids are going to watch when they become adults, who they're going to watch, who the people in high school talk about, who the girls like to hang out with and be a part of, be a part of that family, be a part that circle it's face clan clears and a m p m the shit that they do is astronomical their cyp alone with kevin hart i'm behind on a lot of shit but when i watch that i'm like holy fucking

shit yeah this is like their brand as a brand amp all of them together collectively as the avengers holy shit yeah it's i mean they've they've done a fucking amazing job man SSB should be a part of that conversation but y'all need to start streaming more There is no shot. I took a year off. I come back like I am and I'm out. I'm like clearing y'all on how many hours I stream. I just keep quitting.

I put in like 200 hours last month, streaming, literally. Have you talked to Aiden all about doing any streams with him? So I haven't talked to Aiden. Reason being, Aiden backed me heavy. He's the reason I got my kick deal. He's the reason Eddie believed in me. He's the reason Eddie didn't ditch me when I took the year off. Because Aiden gave me his backing.

right granted i took the year off i didn't repay my hours they thought they did a shitty investment whatever i came back i paid off the hours but i said personally in my one of my streams back i said i'm not going to be satisfied until aiden ross is happy with what i'm doing for the platform and kick and the content i have going on and he's going to give me a thumbs up granted in his stream he already did give me that vouch and he says i see you you're doing great but i'm not going to reach out for that hand, extend that hand, whatever, until I feel like I did enough where I'm comfortable in reaching out and doing another collaboration with Aden. Yeah, that makes sense.

I want to earn it. I don't want it to just be given. I want to earn it this time. And we have some crazy, crazy, crazy shit going on because Kicks supports us. Eddie supports us. He believes in the vision. He knows the content we have going on. Like right now, the machine that I finally have, like since I'm not going like this, the train

that I have going, I'm cool. with it going at the pace that it's going because I know what's coming. Like next month I'm doing my first event. You know how everyone is doing like a different thing. Vitaly does his catching predator. Shout out Vitaly. Yeah. Fucking kills the game with that.

I was talking to him in person. I was saying you should fucking do one of those with them. I know. My team didn't let me. I said I talked to him literally in person at my gym and I was like, bro, you know, it would go crazy? That's true. He asked me to.

I was supposed to dress up as Batman. He was going to be Joker. We were supposed to. That. My team didn't let me. You got to do it. Yeah. My team didn't want me.

There's reasons behind it. I'll tell you off camera that they don't want me to do it. There's also a religious aspect to it. But they didn't let me do it. So I still want to collab with him. I still think that needs to happen for the culture. Yeah. Like recently I collabed with Ice Poseidon.

He put 50 people in the fucking woods and did a real life hunger games. And I was there for the whole week. What? Like, what is that, though? It was fucking amazing. Like literally, they just had vests where if you get hit, it knocks off a life. You have 50 lives. You get hit with what?

Um, uh, punches, bats, shields, whatever, by any means necessary. They had 50 lives. Uh, they're eating out of MRE bags that come out of kid that drop from the sky from a drone, literal nasty ass MRE. They have to shit in the woods. They have to sleep in the woods. They don't shower. We then ended up passing out paintball guns to everyone.

And it was just, it was a literal fucking war for a week. Some of the greatest content I've ever been a part of. That's cool. Each stream was a fucking movie. That guy's an OG. That guy came to my gym when I first opened. I mean it like fucking literally, I think back in 2017. Yeah.

It was the first time I ever saw a live streamer with a live stream backpack. So they're doing those events where G7 is finally doing its first event, Friday the 13th of next month, September. Okay. Granted, it's not something that hasn't been done before, but you can take something that's been done and reinvent it and do it correctly and do it for longevity, which is what we plan on doing with the idea that we're doing.

And it fits so well with my brand. I mean, it's like what Fatali's do. I mean, the catching predator thing, you know, had been a thing. Yeah, Chris Hanson. Yeah, exactly. He brought it on to kick and obviously onto the streaming world. And it's like gone crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. So what we plan on doing is in that same vein. And I think it's going to, I think it's going to do something. That's going to be cool, man. Going to do something. Well, dude, I'm fucking, I'm glad you're back. Thank you. I hope that you actually do what I said and just do what you know you should do,

which is take that daily inventory. Yeah. And I hope you stick around. Yeah. I don't want to have another I don't either in a year I don't want to hear

another fucking story about vizine my mom can't handle it my mom is scared every single time my go live notification goes on because she has so much

PTSD over the years and especially last year I do it for your mom if I answer the phone and I go hello instead of hi she freaks out

what happened what's going on like she's on eggshells right now so I can't I can't let it happen again I can't I can't. I can't. Literally can't. It's now or never. There's no more of it happening.

Yeah. But we've said it before. We've done it. So it's like, I'm not going to sit here and try to coerce the audience into believing me. Yeah. I'm just going to do what I can. Just do. And let the rest take, you know. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. Thank you. I'm not proud that I heard about the vising thing, though. I'm a little disappointed about that. I don't go Yeah, I mean, if it did, I, it's one of those things where it's like, you know, you got to try something to know whether you're going to do it again or not. But not death. Like anal, not, not what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, not, not, not me, you know what I mean.

Wait, what are you saying? No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, wait, you mean, wait, try anal. Like, like, like in a relationship when you're deciding if you want to start trying anal or not, you have to try it to know if you like it or not. Okay. You know what I mean? With a girl. Got it.

She has to know she likes it or not. She might not like it. Okay. You got to do it to know. It's one of those things where if I didn't do it, I would have forever been ideating about it. I had to do it to get out of my system. I don't think you can relate trying anal for the first time and killing yourself.

I don't know if those two things, that's a very hard like, how do we, because you can't try one of those things you can't really try and then be like, well, I like, dude. True, true, true, true. It's like a, true. Because if you did it, then it's done. But there's no going back after you do anal. Once you do it, there's no like, let's go back and act like it never happen. So if you had a bad time doing it, it's like.

Yeah, but it's also like death, life or death. True, true, true, true. Yeah. And also I was so, I was so, I don't want to bring this up because it brings religion into it. I don't, one thing that I never will talk about ever, ever, ever again in any of my content is religion. Why? Personal. I finally stopped that.

I'm not using that card. I'm not bringing it up. I'm not acting holier than thou. I'm not acting like something I'm not. I'm not portraying one image for one side of the audience and one for the not. She's not going to bring up religion over again. But what I wanted to say was one of the things in me wanting to do it, I was so fixated and fascinated on life after death.

Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. This one woman in rehab, I remember back when I was still ideating, told me, her religious beliefs where you know if you kill yourself you're not free from the torment you're in you're going to be stuck in that torment for the rest of your life like that same frequency and wave that you're in she goes you're going to as soon as you die you're going to be in

that forever so that was another reason i never wanted to do it because i was like you're telling me if i die like my consciousness is still there and i'm still in this hell for eternity fuck that yeah yeah that sounds insane that's what a k-hole is that's what ketamine does when you feel like you're never coming out of the hole that you're in under ketamine. Fuck. Anyways, I want to say, because we talked about some serious-ass topics, I know you've heard this a thousand times before, for those of you that are struggling, suicide is never the fucking option.

Let me be the fucking person who tells you, like, I know how dark your darkness makes you feel like your life is going to be for eternity. I swear to you, I promise to you, I can guarantee you. There is another side to the darkness that you're in. You just haven't reached it yet. Don't quit. Don't stop fighting. Don't give up until you get to that other side.

You are going to get to that other side. It might not be how you want it to look, how you expect it to look, but there is another side and you will reach it as long as you never give up. I promise you that. I promise you that. Yeah. And I think you could speak directly for that because you've had it all and you've lost it all. Yeah.

To the point of being broke. Yeah. having all the money, having all the popularity, having all the fame, have all the things that people think they want and they think that it's going to make their life better. By the way, I want to say one last thing. You know how for years I've played under the thing of, oh, I was a millionaire, now I lost it all, now I don't have money.

I don't want to play that card anymore. I have money. I am good. I'm in a very comfortable position right now. I have financial advisors now. I have somebody handling my finances. And for the first time in my life, like, I'm good. Yeah.

I don't want to play that. I'm broke card anymore. No, I'm not saying. No, no. I'm saying it. I play it. Oh, okay. I'm just saying like you were actually fuck, though, for some time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm glad that you're like this, that my, I'm just saying all that to say, like, you've had all the stuff that if we're talking about suicide in this conversation is like, not that having things is like, not want to do that. But I think people picture their life away, obviously, which is why they want to get out of it. They picture it away that it's not. Right. And a lot of times people related to like having things or having, you know, something that maybe they didn't grow up with and they just. picture stuff that is not in their life constantly and they're constantly tormented by the fact that it's not there and that's why they come to that point of like okay this isn't worth it right because that there's no other the way someone gets to that point than other than feeling like my life is not worth it because I don't have this this this or I should have that that that like I've been

there right I've never done what you've done I've thought about it but I've never ever tried to commit this but I know the feeling of not feeling like you're good enough and not feeling like you don't have the things you want and all these ideas of like it should be like this and this is happening and love loss and all this shit but my point is like there is like you said there is absolutely another side and it's just that that the thing that I think people don't want to recognize or maybe don't want to accept in this whole conversation is that like that is also just life like life is not supposed to be like I got the stuff I'm happy it's not supposed to be like I have the girl, I'm happy. I got the car. I got the job. I'm happy. I have these things that I think I should

have or, you know, I re-killed a relationship. I'm good. It's a constant journey. It's a constant struggle. And that is life. And that's the thing that like when you talk about suicide in general, like the quitting of it is like, listen, at some point, it's going to happen by itself, whether you want it to happen or not. But the point of life is to struggle, is to succeed, is to feel, is to not be good all the time is to be good sometimes is to be bad that day is to be better this day that is the point of life like that's all we're like we're given this and we're supposed to just experience that and through that experience talk share communicate learn give to others and that's life and like fuck

you're good oh yeah just really close you know yeah I mean that's that's it man it's just that's the point of it is I just I just wish people would reframe the idea of like

my life's supposed to be this way it's not beautiful beautifully said yeah sorry um so don't fucking quit that's it yeah and we'll catch you next year where we talk about what happened this year here on raw talk yeah i love you brother thank you for coming love you too thank you for having me thank you this is like my checkpoints i feel like we got to do these once a year to be like what happened this year let's talk about it yeah and hopefully next year we have a

success story yeah hopefully next year i'm sitting here and it's like yo look building you know because i don't plan on doing this forever man i should have been out the game a long time ago you know that everybody knows that i should be on to the next chapter of my life so my intentions now get in do the right moves do what i need to do make the money i need to make get the fuck out do some like go do something else build a business start a family like you know do something so i'm in it for that now yeah respect brother i love you man thank you too we got to go stream we got to go to stream we're about to see ryan garcia Thank you.