RAWTALK - Violetta Benson On Andrew Tate, Biggest Red Flags & Dating In 2023

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

In This episode of Rawtalk features a thought-provoking discussion on the controversial figure, Andrew Tate. Violetta shares her perspective on his controversial dating advice and dissects the underlying implications they may have on modern relationships. Brace yourself for a captivating conversation that challenges conventional notions and encourages listeners to critically evaluate societal norms. Sponsors Trifecta Nutrition: https://www.trifectanutrition.com/athlete-bradley-martyn?irgwc=1&utm_campaign=Bradley%20Martyn&utm_medium=athlete&utm_source=influencers&irclickid=QEn0CGWu2xyIWO7Uo7Vva0OcUkFxs41PISILSI0&mpid=1239000&ir_campaignid=4609&ir_adid=293336&ir_partnerid=1239000&utm_content=&utm_campaign=Bradley%20Martyn&utm_medium=athlete&utm_source=influencers&utm_content=Betterhelp: https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?go=true&transaction_id=1021d3fc6fd259bab84d220ece6bf4&utm_source=podcast&utm_campaign=2434&utm_medium=Desktop&utm_content=&utm_term=rawtalk&not_found=1&gor=start Babbel: https://try.babbel.com/podcast-flags-2021/?bsc=podcast-rawtalk&btp=default&utm_content=Podcast..rawtalk..veritoneone..USA&utm_medium=podcast&utm_source=rawtalk&utm_term=generic_v1SUBSCRIBE HERE: https://www.youtube.com/c/REALRAWTALK...LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...FOLLOW RAWTALK PODCAST: INSTAGRAM | https://instagram.com/getrawtalkTIKTOK | https://tiktok.com/@askrawtalkFOLLOW BRADLEY: INSTAGRAM | https://instagram.com/bradleymartynSUBSCRIBE TO RAWTALK PODCAST CLIPS: / @rawtalkclip SUBSCRIBE TO LIFE OF BRADLEY MARTYN: / @bradleymartyn SUBSCRIBE TO FITNESS CHANNEL:

That's good. Is that on? Yeah. So it's so, oh, she sits down. She's like, apparently you saw a video of me. Wow, this is such a crazy way to start the podcast. Talking about women, I guess it was not so much what they wear is more so like how they were like doing exercise and like getting people to look. Because this was a big thing on the internet like four months ago was really relevant.

Like people were doing it a lot and girls were like doing it to get clout. well at first it started I think at first it started an accident some someone was stretching and I think maybe some was creepy and then I think I'm sure that afterwards it was more the funny videos of catching people looking at you yeah and then I remember saw you on TikTok where um you because I think I like some of those videos too where you called out um are you good yeah sorry tripping yeah there was a there was a fly I was tripping and then I was like yo the mother from started hitting that was crazy no anyway so so okay you you're what what is daddy issues yeah that's your podcast now that's your that's like your meme page yeah and you did what

did you do first the the almost adulting or the daddy issues the daddy issues that's like that's not I don't like to use the word like too much that's my full on brand uh I okay so I'll introduce yeah sorry I just kind of run in Gundy's I just run no I know and I I do that as people I've done that before on other people's podcast and then you you realize not everyone knows who you are so introduction is really good yeah um so i'm russian israeli yeah we won the green card lottery that's why i live in the u.s that's why i have sometimes an accent when i speak fair i'm 5-8 you're yes the first thing i saw i was like wow this girl's tall wow i was not expecting that thank you um congrats thank you i have two degrees i used to be an accountant two degrees in what

business law and accounting okay i hate accounting absolutely hate it i'm it's honestly not that hard but it makes sense most people hate accounting yeah i mean it's not necessarily i guess it's not hard it's tedious people compare it to math and they go oh you must be really good in math which i am but you don't need to be good at math to be an accountant but i used to be a math tutor really i used to go to math tutors oh really yes that's yeah you probably could it's like you might you could have helped me Well, when we moved to the U.S., my dad lost most of our money, and he did allow me to work. How do you lose money? Stocks.

So we were, I grew up poor in the U.S., and I wasn't allowed to work because my dad didn't think I was smart enough to have a job and go to school, because I was really bad at school. So behind his back, I started tutoring math, and I tutored half of the kids in my grade and then college kids, because math just comes so easily to me. But every other subject, pardon? What grade was this? I started in 10th grade and then I continued tutoring math until I was an accountant. So why did he think you were dumb?

I was really bad at school because my dad will always compare me to my sister, older sister, so I can be more like her so then I just would constantly ditch and I think sometimes kids in general are good in different things. And sometimes if people tell you're not good at something or you watch other kids being, I see it, you watch.

See, that's what he got me earlier, that damn fly. You watch other kids being good at something, then you just assume, oh, I must be really stupid. But math was my escape. I just, when I see numbers, it just comes so easily to me. And I love math. Yeah. That's interesting you said that because I'm trying to look back on my life. I was just terrible at school overall, like completely terrible.

The one thing I was good at was presentations, which is really interesting now. Like, I was the kind of kid that if there was a group project and there was like someone had to like do the work and like do all this stuff and get this ready, but they didn't want to like do the presentation. I'd be the kid who'd be like, just get me everything like 20 minutes before class, I'll do it. God, so you're a good speaker. I guess. I guess I don't know. I don't even know then I, I guess I was just like I, I guess in my mind I thought this other stuff was so much more work that I was like, to me, the talking about the work was the easier part. Like, you know, when you had the projects.

Yeah. And I thought that I was taking the easy way. But obviously, like you said, some kids are just good at certain things and good and not good at others. Yeah. Other kids would probably be so jealous of you. They're probably like, wow, that guy. guy's so cool that he's able to be such a speaker in front of everyone else they they will probably shit themselves yeah which is which is interesting because that is that is true because

I think there for a lot of people out there just in general people are caught up especially nowadays with like the comparison of like what's on the internet what's out there and what like people have success at such a young age and um I think people definitely like get down on themselves for not being you know I mean it's human I'm telling you that see it's not the mushrooms. I didn't take, I didn't take mushrooms today, by the way. Just everyone will say that I didn't do that. That's happened to me before my podcast and usually I catch the fly. I didn't this time, but I will. You like Kung Fu, Kung Fu catch the fly? Yeah. I used to do Krav Maga. I'm really into Krav Maga. I'm really into Krav Magh. The Kung Fu was great, dude. That's funny. But I

get it like a different martial art. Yeah. So you can, you think you can beat him up that guy? Because me obviously not. I would say I'm one of those people that I do believe that women and men are different. So I do think you can probably take me appreciate that how else you think they're different this is an interesting conversation i got it did you actually yeah i got the fly thank you so much i'm i'm fucking russian yeah we're built differently they are built you are you are actually built differently 5-8 russian yeah it's so okay so i was an accountant and i was an accountant and then the my team the women of my job made my life a living hell and I'm not just saying that oh I was bullied it was it was where HR had to get involved where they couldn't even fire me if they wanted to

about about what like what were they yeah you know it's so minuscule to me now I don't give a shit but it was it was just the way I work I guess I'm very much of an individual and I was I have such a narrow mind like I've what was it called tunnel vision I have such tunnel vision I want to be a partner so that's I mean I think when you're an immigrant and you grow up poor and you don't have any connections and everyone always you know you grow up with a father that always tells you that you're stupid and all that you is just this constant drive to want to prove everyone wrong so even though I grew up with like I got double ds when I was 12 or 13 I'm 5 8 I looks wise I'm just fine, but I just never focused on my looks because it was me wanting to prove myself how

how I can be smart after high school. So like I graduated a university in three years because when my dad made me, but when I was an accountant, I just wanted to be a partner. So I figured out how to get projects with the partners and I wasn't a lot. I wasn't supposed to do that as a junior accountant. So that really rubbed a lot of women on my team the wrong way. Just because you were so driven? Because there's hierarchy. So I worked at a large public accounting firm. So any large public accounting firm, a large law firm, it's one of the, anyone, like, it was a very, it's a really big one. So it's very competitive. So every month, they grade you, uh, on your personality and on how much work you put in and you have to log in hours. That's, how do they

grade your personality? So between, I forget if it's every month, every three months, but they'll grade your personality based on, it's really insane. Like what? Yeah. There's a, does a workplace that grade your personality? Well, yeah, because let's say I'm, I'm, overly sarcastic. So that's going to be my great. I'm going to have to, I'm, so I had to learn about that. Or my percentage was very outgoing. So they, this is where HR comes in. My career advisor, who was also one of the managers, recommended I get on medication to calm my personality down, which is Adderall. And I'm still taking Adderall because I started taking it at my job. So they would like me. She's pretty insane. What the. What the fuck? It was, it's

Wait, so this is a real job. So, obviously, the accounting thing, the firm, you're trying to make partner. And they're grading your person. I've never heard of this. Any large public accounting firms and large law firms who are very competitive, it's very hard to get into these. They will grade you on your work. Obviously.

Well, like you have, well, not only that, they don't just grade you on your work. The way they grade you on your work, I forget if it's every month or every three months, but it's a list that gets sent to everyone and you see where you are graded. And then you'll see if you don't log in enough hours and you're the bottom list, you are on probation. So then you have like, I forget how many months to get out of probation or you get fired. Do they grade men and women different? No. Okay.

But I mean, when you do the research and when you see that there's only seven or eight percent CEOs at a public account partners, then, you know, it tells you what's the deal. But I understand where some of the bullying came from if I try to see their outlook. and that's probably, it came from, I was a junior accountant and there's hierarchy. You're like a junior accountant, senior lower accountant, the manager, then senior manager, something else and partner. So I'm not allowed to actually work with partners and projects. Like that's unheard of, but I constantly figure out ways to what I can do. I would come in before the partners come in and I would leave after the partners leave.

I work was my life because I needed to prove to my dad that I'm smart. I didn't understand that's what was happening, but that's definitely what was happening. Looking back now, you understand it. Yeah, and that rubbed other people the wrong way. So then when the partner's sitting around at 11 p.m., no one's around, he's working, he has a new project he's working on, and I'm there because I'm waiting for him.

He ends up putting me on the project, and then the other managers or senior accountants find out, they're like, are you effing kidding me? Yeah. That's what happened. It doesn't matter because blessing in the skies, because look at me now, I make more than a partner. Sure. Well, probably a lot more. Yeah, but that's where daddy issues came from. I started to get really depressed. It was one of my lowest moments at that time. And I had no social media because I genuinely did not care to ever focus on my looks. I just wanted to work. And well, even what I do now, I have nothing to do with my looks. But I created daddy issues at a meme account as an escape because in high school it was class clown. And here I'm taking out Adderall. I'm so boring. And I've no idea who I am. And sometimes people will send me screenshots.

of memes, the fat Jewish. And I was like, wow, how cool it would be? If people just laughed at something I thought or found, instead of focusing on the way I look, because it was constantly, I was constantly being some of the women of my team wouldn't, they would get upset about the outfits I wear. And I got to a point, like, I would wear no makeup. I wore the skirts as low as possible. And if my skirt was a little bit, like this much between the knee, they're like, I can't take you to a client because you're dressed this way. It was insane. And I would try to wear as loose as possible. And like, no matter what I did, it wasn't a enough. So I created daddy issues with my escape and I was anonymous for two years. And that

became my thing. I like it. So you said something like trying to prove to your dad that you were smart. Is your dad think you're smart now? Yeah. He's so proud of me. So so it's interesting because like so there must have been a point for a long part of your life where you looked at I guess that must have been the relationship with your dad and how he viewed you and it kind of shaped the way you your work ethic. Yeah. you were moving forward looking back now what do you think was obviously it benefited you a ton do you think now that it you look back did it did it kind of affect other parts of your life negatively versus because like for me uh I grew up without a father and I had like a really hard

time with a lot of different things in my life but it it pushed me in a lot of areas but it also hindered me in a lot of other areas you know yeah of course I think even if you grew up with the most perfect family it will still hinder you in some ways. So I think in general for parents, no matter how much they think they're a good parent or they're doing their best, they're going to quote unquote fuck up their child somehow. But I think eventually we have to realize that we grow up and our parents are not heroes and they're not superheroes. They're not invincible and they did their best. And now it's up to us to change the dynamic or to change whatever pain we had. So for me personally, not only did I take,

always feeling stupid by making it my drive to be as hardworking as I am and but also I always looked up to my father by how hardworking he was but also yeah it definitely hindered me in the way my personal relationships were formed especially with men of course I had intimacy issues I mean I grew up with my dad never hugging me or touching me or kissing me or telling me he loves me so I didn't know then how to interact with men that I was dating or in general like I I remember I I have one of my first boyfriends. Sometimes I would look at him and I felt so much love for him. And I just want to hug him or kiss him.

But I would be uncomfortable to do it. So I'm just staring at him. And I don't know what to do because I want to touch him, but I feel weird. Yeah. So, but then eventually you grow up, you grow up and you realize, okay, well, I have a choice. I can fix it. And I don't sit back in. I wouldn't say it's American mentality, but maybe it's more of a Gen Z mentality where.

The lazy. It's not even lazy. It's that I'm a victim. And then everyone else should feel bad for me. And the way I grew up, it's very much, I got knocked down enough times that I'm like, okay, I'm on my own and I just have to figure it out. So that's why I've kind of always done. And I've changed my whole dynamic in my family. Like my dad and I kiss now.

We hug. We say I love you. But I had to start it by being okay with my father rejecting me. At first, and by rejecting, I mean not reciprocating. Because we also forget people all have different levels. languages like my dad did his best to show me that he loved me growing up and I just never saw that's just the way he did it was different exactly like my father grew up with a with a dead beat dad who um he was an alcoholic a cheater lost older money and then he got

beat up he did some in back then in russia you weren't allowed to have a business as a jew so he got got sent to jail for being a person with a business and then he got beat up to Like a Jewish person in Russia couldn't have a business. Yeah, it used to be this rule, like a long time ago, during communism. Right. So he got, and on his last day, he got beat up to death by the guards for being a Jew, getting out. His dad, your dad's dad. My dad's dad.

Oh, shit. And he was a vegetable for a couple of days, and then he died, and my dad was like 17. Whoa. And they were so dirt poor, and all these criminals came to their house. And they said, where's the money, your dad owes us. And my dad's like, look where we live. We have no money. Like, he left us with nothing.

And in Russia, when communists, Russia, being poor, it's not like here when you're poor. Not only do they have to share a house with other families, but you share a room with other families. So each corner, there's a family in that room corner. So like in this room, there's four corners. So it would be four families living here. And that's poor. Like, that's communist poor. You get a corner of a room.

And the reason people used to back then starve in places like Russia because of communism is because, even if you make money, you can't actually buy any food until everyone else gets food on the list. So if you want to buy milk and you have the money, you're number 27. So you have to wait for all the other 26 people to get the milk before you're allowed to. So you have to starve until then. That's terrible. Russia. Yeah. So my dad swore to not be like his dad. And he said, I will provide my kids a roof over their head. And I will always make sure they have food. I mean, It doesn't matter that I grew up poor I still had a roof over my head

And I had food in my stomach And that's more than a lot of people in this world So, you know, that's how he showed me love And he made sure I got an education and a roof He didn't think about the other parts that I needed Like hugging me Yeah It's where his mind was just in a different spot

It's interesting because when I think about that I look at my like childhood and what had happened And I created so many thoughts around You know my father leaving me And it was always like about me, right? Because it was six years old when it happened. So I learned. And I'm like, this is about me and all this happened because of me.

And then, you know, you never understand this in the time. Like I would have, you know, now I could look back and talk to my younger self to understand it. But for people listening, things happen. And, you know, now I'm 34 and I look back on that. And I'm like, damn, like, because I think my dad took his life when he was 36. Wow. And it's given me so much perspective where you're like, oh, it's, it's, it was nothing about me and like who I was or what I were it was like someone's entire different like

like you're saying about your father the way he developed everything he knew about himself and how to show love and his love language and how he you know how he would either reprimand you or encourage you is all based on his life circumstances and how much he processed to it so it's like obviously my father you know I know what he went through there's you know I'm not going to get into details and stuff about it but he went through a lot of stuff and his family and and then just it's like you would never get it as the six year old or the seven 17 year old or wherever it is, but like there's a lot more to what happens than just like how it's happening to us when it involves other people. And I think people forget that a lot and

they make stuff about themselves. And it hurts a lot more that way. Because then, you know, if someone passes, you obviously can't ask questions, right? That was one of the things that was hardest for me. It was like trying to answer my own questions with my own thoughts. That's why like things like therapy and stuff. It helped me sense. But yeah, I just I just think it's important for people to understand. Like it's not just about like, you know, even though it is about a us and how we show up there's there's things that happen to you that is you can't make it personal even though it is so personal i mean of course i i can't first of all i'm so sorry that happened to you i can't even fathom the type of experience that i mean as a child to know that your parent didn't

want to be around i of course you're going to make it about yourself of course it's about it's about you but i think yeah eventually the the lowest points is what makes us stronger because we have a choice and it's hard to admit that we have a choice how we want to go on with our life why do you think it is so hard because because it took me a long time to really really understand that we do have this choice right and i struggled with it and i like i fought against it and i and it motivated me in a completely different way in my life which i've you know been very beneficial of at this point um like the gym and how it pushed me in the gym and this kind of like idea and aggression that i had around like not being good enough and wanting to like prove that to my father not

the way you did in that sense working but in the gym it's like I would show up and I just in my mind it would put me to that next level where I like I could lock in like like no other and obviously there was no one there to see it just like I'm almost like trying to like prove it to him you know up there and why do you think though it's hard for us to to like understand that like when we at some point you know okay this isn't about me why do you think it's hard for people to like let it Because sitting in pain for a lot of us is comfortable, and it's hard to admit that part. But if all I know is pain- You said sitting in pain is comfortable. For a lot of us, we think it's not, but it is.

If all I know is that I'm not lovable and that my father showed me that he doesn't love me, so then no one loves me. And that's all I know. It's easier for me to then feel sorry for myself and sit that way versus saying, no, you know what? I have a choice. I can actually work on being better and all that because then what if I actually tried and I fail or what if I actually try and I will have a better life we think we want that and

a lot of us sit and think we want all those things but we don't because it's unfamiliar it's so much easier to feel sorry for myself and actually do anything about it yeah because what if I did something and then yeah I failed then that sucks even more but but does it though really like it doesn't I mean I know that you I don't think you truly believe that I think you you are understanding that like it is actually way worse to not do something just because you're afraid of it being what you wanted to be than doing something and it not working out it's way like i i understand what you're saying it's more comfortable but like i'm trying to tell the people here that like wouldn't you also agree that it makes more sense to try something than just to sit and not try at

all yes to some degree but most people don't try right because the fear of failing i rather say oh i would be the best singer versus me actually taking singing lessons trying and then going in front of a what is that guy's name Simon Cowell and he tells me you know stick to your big tits and I'll be like fuck yeah I didn't hit there and then now I feel like a loser at least before I thought I could

now I know I can't because one person told me I can't and a lot of people when they finally try all they need is that one person to tell them their failure to validate how you feel about yourself and then you disappear just put it on the shelf I mean for for example with you of course it makes sense

growing up you will always feel like you're not good enough or that you're unlovable in some ways like I don't want to get into that but no get into it go for no but I mean I'm glad that you went to therapy and I'm glad that you're working on yourself but yeah it's it's it's it's it is really hard that one day that realization that you actually how to you wasted so many years just feeling sorry for yourself for thinking you're a victim I mean even for For me, I still think sometimes I have certain childhood stuff that come around with my personality, and it's somebody holding a mirror in front of me, and I get to see.

Because anything that happens to you is from your perspective. There's philosophers who say that we are the worst narrators of our own life. We are the worst storytellers of our own life. Yeah. So right now, I didn't work on my daddy issues, let's say. and I came to do this podcast and we were sitting and your perception right now would be like oh we're having a good conversation but because I didn't work on my daddy issues I would sit here and be like that man is so aggressive he's but he thinks he's better than me and blah blah

because I didn't work on myself and that would be my perception that'll be my reality and then I'll walk around thinking everyone you know wants the worst for me or they think I'm stupid this and this and in reality it's because I feel like that about myself right so it always really does start with ourselves one day you probably had to wake up and realize that you know you were just six years old you didn't know any better it's not your fault you know yeah i mean i it's it's like you're i was asking you early about it affecting your relationships that's the number one thing it affected because it's like you i would i would find myself stepping into relationships and just like being because of this like not feeling worthy or good enough that i would get myself into relationships and like off

bat like create problems that weren't really there because I was like I don't know like trying to protect myself trying to create distance yeah or waiting for them to just leave you yeah self sabotaging yeah that was like that was one of the things that I've like I've done a lot of work on where I'm just like okay this is that's what I was saying earlier too like I've realized I would rather give something 100% of myself now and if it flops amazing because I've already experienced so many times not giving 100% of myself and it flopping anyways and then being like fuck I wish I kind of tried this I'm never going to do that shit again I can't like I don't I just like I get looking back on it out it's like man it must have been the last

fucking 12 years of my life and then two like long relationships where I'm just like what the fuck did I do I agree I'm I'm I'm with you on that I'm I would say I'm definitely a late bloomer when it comes to dating once when I created daddy issues that was my whole focus and I was able to find myself again when I created daddy issues and when did that start by the way uh I would say eight years ago when I created daddy issues and I have a trademarked as well it's like my thing I hope so yeah well you know to trademarks someone like daddy issues has to be in very specific areas yeah I'm assuming the podcast base all right guys shout out to one of my sponsors this sponsor one of nearest dearest to my heart trifectin nutrition check this out um you guys

probably curious like what's the what's the biggest difference between mine and steenies training program and it starts with the tea and no it is not trend it is trifecta nutrition very very simple very very easy um highest quality ingredients best meal prep in the game hands down like i've literally been eating trifecta for the last five years myself it's in my fridge you guys probably seen in the videos you probably seen it on youtube grass fed organic like you can get any sort of meal plans you want it's keto uh you can get clean you can get vegan you can you can do it all they have all the options. You get all a cart. You can get pre-made meals. They literally have everything. Go to trifectinutrition.com slash Bradley Martin or the link will be right here. We'll pop it up on

the screen. All in all, the best meal prep. You guys will love it. Give them a shot. Trifectonutrition. com slash Bradley Martin. They always got promos going on. Let's get back into this podcast. Everything, but it's more female base. So I can only sue women. Wait. Wait. So if I made something called daddy issues, like I could. But if I was a woman, I couldn't. I could see you. But it's pretty wild. But as a man, you couldn't. No.

Wait, what? Well, that, because it has to be, it's, I mean, daddy issues is such a common word that I, it had to be very specific in all the areas. So it has to be with a woman with daddy issues. You can't. It's actually kind of funny. That's hilarious. I can only sue women, yeah.

And it's funny because, like, your audience is probably mostly women, no? Yeah. My daddy issues itself is 80% women. My personal Instagram is. 71% women. Wow. And my podcast is 90% women. Holy fuck. We are so opposite. It's insane. Yeah. My audience is literally 98% male. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So like this is very unusual for them right now. Like this is there. I don't have a lot of conversations like this. I mean, I have conversations with women, but not so much to this, this extent and like relationship. I think men like talking about these

things. I wouldn't. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's nice. I, I, I, this whole thing of, you know, therapy is this and that it's good it's good for you to better understand your emotions because then you're just wasting everyone else's time or you're walking around this whole in your life or this world thinking you're the victim and everyone else is so terrible or no one loves you and if you did some work on yourself you'll finally be able to realize that there's so many people around you're just trying to love you and you're just not giving them a chance because you know what it is like this thing you said earlier like it's everyone is like we create just

reflections of ourselves like we project this is oh this is this is happening to me and it's like it's really just like what you're putting out and like how you're taking it in exactly so it helps it helps like honestly just to have those conversations with someone and it might sound corny but like it really does help to get just an outside perspective of someone that like can listen to what you say and then just like without being biased being like well what about this yeah and it's just different because like guys if you're talking to other guys they're going to like bro you and be like bro fuck her you know she's a bitch like shit like shit like that yeah or like you're going to talk to someone in your circle and oftentimes it's

it's a little bit but it's very rare i think to have friends who are like super unbiased you know what i'm saying like in conversation about like relationships or hardships because they're going to just they're just going to tell you based on what they've experienced first like a like a therapist would talk you like not so much based on their own personal stuff but actual concepts they understand and know yeah uh I would say that's why I always say also to be take a lot of things with a grain of salt and to be careful. Sometimes when you ask for advice and it's not that your friends or your family members want the worst for you. It doesn't come from that area at all.

Most people don't realize when they're projecting their own experiences. But I do think it's always you should be aware of who you're asking for advice. For example, if you're looking for relationship advice and your friend is going through a breakup, they may not be the best person no matter how much that that person will always been there for you. they may give you advice based on their current experience and right now they hate all of the opposite sex or whoever they just dated or the same gender or whatever and that's they're going to give you that advice so sometimes it's better to just go to someone who can just listen and then you can make your own decisions and that's why now happens when my friends come to me about their boyfriends whether it's toxic or not I just say you know you got to figure that out on your own like I can't give you an unbiased opinion I can only give your opinions based on my experience But I just always say, you know, try to figure it out. Because in the end of the day, you're the one that's going to be living with this decision, not me and not anyone else. Yeah.

Like, I think we all really know what we're, like, how much we're willing to do and what we really want in our hearts. It's just, I think people are looking at other people to give them some, like, validation in, like, what they should or shouldn't do. It's easier. It's easier for me to, to base doing something because someone else told me. So then if it doesn't work out, I'll be like, well, that's because he told me instead of me taking responsibility that I made that decision. Yeah. I don't know. It's so common.

People love just, that's the victim thing. That's like the, I have a way out thing. Yeah. Or the projecting thing. I rather tell everyone else how you, I want to go on the internet, tell you how you should live your life rather instead of me just sitting there and be like, what, what am I doing with my life? A man employee for three months.

Should I get a job? No. Let me go on the internet and be like, well, you are fucking cunt. Where's your husband? Yeah. show me your tits if not then i hope god punishes you yeah these are the people in your comments i'm assuming yeah if it's men in my comments yeah right right right damn do you it's like what you get hate from men because you're talking about i get more hate for men that's what usually

what i'm used to which is pretty mad well what do they say what are they mad at like let's say if i give advice because on my podcast almost adulting it varies every month i have new topics that I choose. So June month, right, the month we're currently in recording this, it's dating month. So so far, although this week's episode is going to be different because I want to include men as well. But because it's so geared towards women, a lot of my dating, if I'm doing dating advice for the month, it's about beginning of dating or what to not put up with. But a lot of it is more about loving yourself. But then the clips that I take to attract people to the videos are quick. So there's going to be cliffs where I'm like, you know, if he's not chasing you, then he's not for you.

And I'm talking about beginning of dating, which I believe I'm very into romance. So I believe in the beginning a man should pursue you. I think you should sit in your feminine energy and people confuse what feminine means that they think it means I mean the overly womanly. No, feminine energy means you sit back and you allow the man to pursue because men are hunters in their own way. And that means they're putting in the effort. I'm not saying never respond to his sex, never pick up calls, but let him ask you out.

If he asks you out, then okay, let him plan the date. Make sure it's romantic. That's what I, if you're looking to seriously date. Yeah. So let, like, see that there's effort before you completely dive in and give all these girlfriend duties to a man that has a million options if that's not what you're looking for. Yeah. I completely believe in the honesty, but I also, if people actually listen to the episode,

in the episodes I always talk about if someone comes to me and they're like all I date are assholes, men are trashed blah blah I always say men are not trash it must be whatever you're attracting let's look from within why are you attracting men who make you feel this way why are you only going for those men

and vice versa for men and women as well so you know if you're all you're attracting or cheaters or assholes then try to figure out why that's happening well I feel like that's all you attract is probably what you also are that's the thing sometimes we are mirrors of who we date but a lot of times if I feel like I said right now

I feel bad about myself and I think you're putting me down all that I will subconsciously attract a partner that will do that who will make me feel bad about myself because it will validate how I feel about myself because if I'm dating someone and they're healthy and I didn't grow up with a healthy relationship with my parents whichever one mom or dad

whichever issues I have then I don't know what healthy love is and I'm not used to it So if I'm dating a healthy partner and they're showing me love in a healthy way, it will be foreign to me. So instead, I will dump them or think they're clinging or whatever it is and I will then, you know, beeline to that one person who either, I don't know, let's say of my dad not being around. It feels familiar to that. Exactly. And it feels familiar. And I will then be, if I'm used to chasing love for my dad, I will be chasing love from this person.

And then they will make me feel shitty about myself. And then I will say, oh, that person's, you know, what people do now in dating. That person's a narcissist. It's like, no, they're not a narcissist. You can't diagnose them. They probably just don't really like you that much. And most of the time, the people we date, they're not a terrible person. They just don't really like you.

You know? Yeah, I mean, that's real. That's real. Or like you've just fucking, you've gotten to a shitty situation because you were in a shitty place. I think a lot of people don't realize like that as well. Like they just like, it's easy to get into shit situations and like cause problems. if you're in a problematic place. Or they're like, oh, that person's playing games.

No, they're not playing games. They don't like you. That person's a narcissist. No, they just don't like you. Just accept it. Like, if you just were making things so much more simple, they're playing games or they're not ready to love yet or eventually, I don't know, all these things.

No, they just don't like you. Yeah. Maybe he was too busy to call me. No, he just doesn't like you. Like, you know? Dude, it's so funny. So, okay. Let's talk a little bit about.

self-love because you mentioned that what what is your what was your process in in loving yourself like hard well yeah like when did you really start to get there well i think loving yourself is a lifelong process of course it's not like you i'm here and i'm done i get it yeah people lie about that uh i love myself enough to never fill myself crying on ticot yeah yo why is that a thing dude why do people do that why is I think I always wonder people are like holy fuck they start crying and they go yeah yeah yeah 100% I've seen this shit yeah it's the yeah and then they go to edit it they're like and they edit it they're like and they have to read it five times to get it right and then they have to edit they also have to get seven times of them crying to get the right video

that is insane that is the most insane thing ever that's yeah that's pretty mad like if I ever Like if I ever saw that, the video is like, whoa, the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Because are you really sad? Are you just trying to get some views? That's confused. That I will say, because I'm making a joke, but I swear to God, that confuses me. I would say I've been, I've been depressed enough, but I will say one thing that I've managed to achieve.

At least I never have filled myself crying. Damn, congratulations. Honestly, that's a fucking W. I mean, I do happen sometimes things I talk about on my podcast, I'll tear up and it's filming. Yeah, but that's normal. Yeah, but, um. I don't get that. But you know where it's coming from?

After the pandemic, with all the hate comments now or how much more people are hateful towards each other. Yeah. And the genders also seem to be divided. I mean, dating, sex, research shows, sex, people are not having sex. It's like the lowest it's been ever. That's wild. Yeah. You're like, not me.

Sounds fucking lame. What the fuck? Not this guy. No, I'm trying to guess, no. I honestly, no, my situation is complicated right now. Yeah. It's complicated. We can talk about it.

Oh, I'm trying to figure it out. Okay. Do you want to right now? I mean, how do we figure it out? Let's talk about it. Just talk about it. I don't know if I could give all those details. I never really go into detail about my relationship.

I'm like that as well. I never do it. Yeah, I don't like to give that away. So I kind of, do you mind if I kind of put my... Do whatever you want? Yeah, you're good. I'll take up my socks. Those are nice Nike's, damn.

Those are cool. Thank you. I really like them as well. So let's talk about the self-love thing a little bit more. Oh, yeah. So the self-love. I mean, I would love, honestly, it's one of these days I will be more detailed about my relationships. I've just always kind of...

Well, we can still get around it because I do the same thing. I, this week's episode of my podcast, I'm diving more into how to have a healthy relationship. So I'm going to have to make comparisons from my current person that I'm dating. Of course. Because he's, I've been fortunate enough to learn a lot from him, which really surprised me. I get to learn about myself now by dating someone healthy. Older, younger. He's actually younger than me.

Wow. Yeah, but the cool thing is that now when I'm having intimacy issues, normally when I would date, I only like surface level things and I never like to dive. The minute something made me uncomfortable, I'm like, okay, I'm done, I'm out. And now I've, you know, we keep communicating. Communicating is the way to a healthy relationship. But the cool thing is that sometimes I get uncomfortable to have a certain conversation and I realize is because there's a mirror than being held in front of me and I get to see

characteristics about myself that I don't like. What is that? Can you answer what that conversation is that makes you most uncomfortable? Well, one time recently I got a little jealous about something and if we were on the phone when I got jealous over something. So normally if I have those type of emotions, which we would consider negative, I rather just shut down and not speak to the person until I get over. I don't need them to know.

That's how I feel. But we were on the phone. So I'm trying to get off the phone and he's like, oh I can tell something's off like you're being different and then I finally said what was bothering me and I was trying to play you know put under the rug and then he ends up being this great communicator wow so he he basically then explains himself so I don't have to get jealous and he asked me what he needs to do to make him more comfortable I'm like no it's fine forget about blah blah you know and then I would say 20 minutes into the conversation he suddenly blurs out that

that was kind of unattractive so I said okay so you see so I shouldn't talk about what makes me jealous. I shouldn't have said anything. He goes, no, it wasn't about the fact that you were jealous. You don't want to talk about it. It's because the way you would have gone to sleep mad. I would have known something's off, and I would have wanted to sleep something's off. And tomorrow, and he's like, and then there's this gap.

You created a gap between us because their lack of communication. You make things up in your head. And for what? We're going to, instead of us just talking about it so I can fill in the gaps of whatever you didn't understand. And I was like, okay, well, why do you have to be such a good communicator? It says real, though. Yeah, but I really value it. So that's been really cool for me to stick around with someone.

And now I get to have these moments where normally I would just run away and I get really uncomfortable. And instead, I have to be like, okay, I can get jealous and not even the jealous part. Okay, I react a little childish when I feel emotions of jealousy or my first reaction is to end something with someone. I really don't like about that about myself. So it'll be much easier for me to just say, well, that person sucks. And obviously, if he does this now, then I'm sure he'll act this way in the future,

then blah, blah, blah, versus being like, Novi, you're reacting like you always react and there's a characteristic about yourself that you don't like. So now there's a mirror in front of you. So let's figure out why you're always running away versus trying to put the blame on the other person, how they made you feel. Yeah.

Why do you think you run? Why do you think most people run away? because it's easier like I'm just go back to that that because that's what we were talking about earlier sitting in the pain being vulnerable is really hard yeah it's easy to be vulnerable when you have a podcast because it's just because it's just you know you're acting you're proceeding by yourself you don't actually have to be judged it goes out there and then it's like a bird I mean there's a lot of judgment though out there I know but you can I hear what you're saying yeah versus being vulnerable you actually have to open up especially in an intimate setting a relationship

Like you can't avoid that. It's easier if someone leaves you or doesn't love you because of who you pretended to be or the surface level fun things versus you opening up to someone and then they decide that they don't love you. Or they told you today they're going to love you and then tomorrow they don't. You're like, but I just, so you don't love who I am as a person. So actually you really have to love yourself to be able to be in a healthy relationship. Yeah.

And when someone else comes into your life, you now also have to, you know, make space for them. Suddenly you have to think about someone else's feelings and emotions. It's a lot. It's, you know, and then the fear of getting attached. And then what if they leave me and all these things? But then in reality, just like you said, you end up dating all these people and you self-sabotage. And then you still get hurt and then they get hurt. And then you're like, shit, I might as well already have loved.

And then you were still lost versus always the thinking of the what if. Yeah. I think one of the most interesting. things about like just love in general and just life in general. And one of the most important things for people to understand is that none of this shit is forever. And I think it's really hard for people to accept that. But once you start to accept that, you're way more willing to just dive into things. Because it's one, like this love thing and relationship stuff, like, like there's this fairy tale belief like, this is, I'm going to fall in love and this is going to last

forever. Like we all kind of want this. Right. But the reality is like none of this lasts forever for any of us. So it's like if you can understand that, not in a nihilistic way where it's like, oh, just nothing matters. But at the same time, like if you can understand that and take it for what it is in the moment

and like that journey and living it and go, okay, I'm going to make the most of this no matter what. Because that's how you really make the most out of these situations. And I'm speaking from perspective like genuinely, I haven't done that. Yeah. And now I've done that.

I haven't done that enough to this point in my life where I'm so clear, so like so crystal clear that I'll never do that again moving forward. forward because I've done it for so long trying to protect myself yes trying to protect myself trying to like keep love at like arms distance trying to like oh if you know I could create this so I could have this like way out of this thing that I don't really want my way out of but like just in case I could I could have one foot in one foot out and I've sabotaged all my relationships and it's and the scary part is that because when you start liking someone it's I think a lot of us also have that fear that what if I accidentally fall in love?

and I'm the only one that's in love. What if I catch too many feelings and then another person doesn't feel like and then we forget that there's actually another person in the relationship with us and they probably have the same fears as us. So here we are putting all these blocks saying dumb shit.

I say stupid shit when I'm dating people all the time which is a defense mechanism. Like I'll just say dumb shit. I don't know. I can't even think about it. Like things that would bug the person? Yeah. In a way that I just finally start sleeping

with my person because we're exclusive because I don't sleep with something. unless we're exclusive so I we started sleeping together and then you're about to say a different word we just start fucking yeah and and we were on the phone and my first instinct I would just go I mean yeah you know I really was like so scared to to have sex it's been so long for me but I actually wasn't a big deal like I didn't feel it's not like I felt like a crazy connection like after we slept together like there was no connection and I'm totally chilling like it's totally cool it's not a big deal like if tomorrow we don't work out, like, I'll be fine.

Like, I really thought I would get attached to something. I'm fine. You said that to him? Yeah. Oh, shit. Is that crazy? Oh, my God, dude. I'd have heard that on the phone.

I would have been like, huh? What the fuck? Because I was just thinking, well, I'm sure he's, and it was in this moment. It was really late at night. I'm a little tipsy. And I was just, my brain suddenly switched off. And instead of me being the person that I'm right now, you know, being logical talking from my heart.

I just said these things, which would be, which is my old self, like, because when we start dating someone we like, our old habits come to light. Things that we thought we took care of, they come back. And it doesn't matter how much you worked on yourself. When we started dating someone we really like. Exactly. And this is what's happening. My defense mechanism without me realizing these things are coming out that I thought I healed or I fixed. So I'm saying that. And first, he's like, yeah, totally. But then I would say 30 minutes into the conversation. He was like, so there was like, you didn't feel there's like no connection. And in my brain, I said that because I was just like, well, you know, that's how guys are.

They don't like, they don't want you to be all lovey-dovey after you have sex with them. And they don't want you to get all attached. So I just said what I thought I was supposed to say to. Do you think guys really think that? I don't think so. No. Not like a girl. If they like someone, no.

Yeah, no. This wasn't the person I just slept with after, you know, one night's stand. So I'm trying to be cool about it. Like, we've been dating. Yeah. And we finally had sex. And then, like, next day he like posted some like lovey-dovey song on his like instagram and here i am like i felt

nothing yeah like what did you ever address it again and like yeah of course i apologize i was like you know i say really stupid things it's me i'm sorry do you ever say things that like just you think would like just piss him off no that no i wish that would make my life easier but instead i just say stupid things without real life thing i'm saying that's even worse i think i don't even mean it Fuck. So the self-love thing, let's go back to that. I want to know your process on it. The process.

Your process. My process has been a lifelong process. Yeah. And the thing is with self-love is that when you work on yourself, that's where all your other relationships in your life will start to come together and be better. So it really has to start with you, including even my relationship with my dad. If I didn't first learn not to love myself, I wouldn't be able to work on it with my dad. So the self-love actually came when I created daddy issues.

I started to find myself again by just posting, I was creating all the memes at first. So I was just posting memes I thought were funny. And because I was so lost, I, when I created Daddy's shoes, I wrote about an alter ego. It was this girl that I could never be like. I felt very invisible and blah, and I didn't know who I was. And I felt like a complete loser. And I started writing about this girl. And this girl, she was popular in every room she walked in, like everyone noticed her.

All the boys liked her. she grew up rich she was invited to all the parties she grew like someone opposite of yourself yeah a girl i could never be like and that was daddy issues she was my alter ego so she can post these silly sex memes and like dating memes and all these things because like she can just do whatever she wants plus i'm anonymous so that's how i had the confidence to post this and then people what they started to really like were my captions because i underneath the meme i write like funny caption and then I would just pick up on what people liked and then suddenly my captions are longer and longer and then the more I kept playing this girl the more started to become more

like her to feel like her so I was able to find myself again because of the followers of daddy issues and eventually I became daddy issues I started to feel like I'm hurt I got my confidence back and it's kind of you make it yeah well pardon fake it so you make it yeah and I wouldn't say I got my confidence back because I started taking followers there was more you start to realize, oh, I'm not the only one that feels insecure about this. Everyone else feels insecure about this. And you finally don't know me. Everyone's a loser.

Yeah. Like, I get it now. I'm a loser, but so is everyone else. Yeah. Like, no one knows what they're doing. Everyone's insecure. Everyone's depressed. Oh, okay, I'm not alone.

And that's when I was able to find myself, find my voice. That's when I finally, I quit my job eight months, I think, after of doing Daddy or And within the week of quitting my job, I obviously incorporated myself as an accountant. Nice. Became an LLC, a loan out. And then right before I quit my job, I figured out how to make money since I don't have anyone paying my rent. I did a partnership for a year with this one company.

Basically, they came for me to one job. It was Bumble. They just came out, the dating app. Yeah. And they came to me to do one job for them. and because I was trying to quit my job, I told them, I was like, okay, V. And this is really good advice, by the way, for work, or anyone. I'm like, okay, I want something from them, more money, a year contract.

What can I offer back? Obviously, my skill is not going to be enough. And I'm like, okay, think, what does this person want? And I'm like, okay, the owner of Bumble is the ex-girlfriend of the owner of Tinder. They hate each other. And now she purposely created this app and it's all female base. what does she want more than ever to demolish to ruin tinder i can help that so knowing that's what i'm going to offer i was like i let me be the face of bumble it's because i've female base and i will

figure out like i create a whole marketing plan for you of how we can make bumble the it app for women which i should have asked now looking back obviously for some equity yeah yeah i didn't i was just like i've made that mistake many times i just i was just so excited. I mean, you know, to make anything. Yeah. But that's what I did and that's I was able to quit my job to make at least money first from bubble. That was the first big deal. Yeah. Using that account. Using that account. Daddy issues. Yes. And then the longer, the more continued daddy issues and the more I got to learn to love myself and then not loving myself, not that's not enough. Okay, I want more and all that, you know, you go like this. Then daddy issues part was the one that

help me realize that I'm good enough is when I start working my relationship with my dad. I was like, okay, I don't care if I'm going to get rejected by my dad. I'm going to start telling him that I love him. And I did. And it took almost a year to get there. And then, uh, should I, I'll just say it really quick. Yeah, yeah. It was basically we would be on the phone.

We only say I love you once a year on a greeting card. Whoa, shit. Holy shit. Well, he didn't grow up with it. How does he know? Yeah, but damn. once a year is like that's on a card it's like i put on a card just be like i mean but that was that steeped into my relationship i had a boyfriend we were it took us six months before i said i love you to him

and i remember i said i love you to him and i remember he said do you even know what the fuck that means and i was like and i literally sat there and i go well based on my research it makes sense logically literally i said based on my research it makes sense illogically most couples say i love you within the first six months. So we just hit the six month mark. So it makes sense for us for me to say that. Wow. You're like a robot based on my research.

I still do so much research. But if you really look at it, like it's funny, but it's also so sad. Yeah, no, it is sad. I'm like laughing with the pain. No, it's hilarious. Yeah. But I don't understand those type of emotions. I only understand logic.

But that's why after daddy issues, I've grown. the alter ego. She was still, now I'm looking at this girl making all these mistakes. Why do you think you're so, because like in general, most women are a lot more emotional, less logical. I think I picked up a lot of things. I think a lot of my. Your dad traits are masculine in a way. Yeah. For example, uh, if, if you call me to complain about an issue, my first reaction is to fix it. I don't understand if you're just like calling me to listen. So it's happened to me in the past where I get in trouble. with that where my sister was complaining about a girl being a bully like two years ago

beat this bitch up i DM the girl and i said why being rude to my sister and i'm like hey karen i took care of and she goes what did you say the leader and i go wait then why are you calling me yeah and that's when that's a masculine trait for sure yeah so i think a lot of it's like that i which is why i created my podcast because i started to get very curious and fascinated about now emotions and feelings and better understanding what other people are feeling it's interesting because like all this is like just a derivative of you trying to like figure your life out yeah which is like it's so cool that when I see it like that's all the success that I have is like the same thing just in a different genre doing like doing the same kind of thing like all of my content over like

yeah I did fitness stuff but most of my content was like I would sit and I would talk after like a workout or during a workout about like what I'm doing why I'm doing and then I would kind of talk about my life and what's happening with my life and that got people more connected with me and then when I started doing this podcast and then just over time like I would do this I would just like talk to my camera like about like my life and random shit on Snapchat or like stories on Instagram when they first came out because I've been doing this shit for a really long time like literally 12 13 years now and all of my stuff was yeah I work out like a workout guy but I was also it was always a little bit more introspective and it's funny because it was just me trying to figure my life out

and then just talking about what I thought about it. Yeah. And then now my life is this like amazing thing that I've always like really wanted. But it's interesting like when I talk to you about it and it's just hearing you go through it is like that's exactly your success is based on your own process of learning and understand your life. You just found ways for yourself to monetize it really cleverly. Well I can't do anything unless I'm incredibly passionate about. it that's just how I am as a person in my for me nothing succeeds unless I am passionate about it but I'm a very just genuinely very curious person so so but with you with you working out is because you got really into working out

because it's your way of taking control of your life of course yeah and trying to prove that I was good enough yeah but you you can control your body and how much food you eat how much you work out that's kind of that's where it stems from for sure it was definitely from control because I I felt so out of control like all my childhood and being like trying to figure out why and why this happened and why me and why do other people have this and I don't I just like this weird feeling and then I found the gym and was like oh this like everything else kind of slows down and kind of dissipates when I'm doing this so I can control how I feel in this I don't have to

worry about all this extra shit that like we're just constantly running my mind throughout every day when I'm like when I'm actually lifting it would like dissipate because I had to focus on that And so I was just like, oh, I could, I could do this. And I, like I said, I've told this story before because originally it was that. And it was more like I was just escaping what I was feeling. Like I was just trying to not feel what I was feeling. Right. And then obviously it changed over time.

But a lot of it in the beginning was just to avoid because like, and so I would do it so much. Like I'd be in the gym for just hours and hours and hours. But it's, I do. I just find it really interesting how we, I don't know, like, I, I guess because everyone's kind of goal is to figure out their life as soon as possible, right? That's what it feels like. We're all trying to like, how can we find success the fastest, find love the fastest. Like we're all trying to, it feels like we're all trying to race towards this like picture

that we have in our mind, especially now because of the internet, we look around and like, this kid's 20 and he has all the success because of TikTok or because of whatever, it's podcast stuff. And I feel like now it's people feel like they're even more so like trying to get to this point even faster. And I think it's, it's sad because. it's increasing I would say the amount of people who are like are dealing with anxiety or like dealing with like like high levels of depression because of all the comparison and it's really important I think for people to understand that like this is something that I just I always kind of realized but like it just started to make more and more sense as I got older it's not on your time you know it's not when you want it how you want it and it goes back to the thing you were talking about earlier where I was I really was like trying to control my life and this was the one thing I could really control and how I would like show. up um but there is something so special about surrendering and just it just like not saying surrendering

just been like fuck it i'm not going to do anything just sit on my couch but like allowing allowing it to be what it is and like just trying to relax yourself into it because resisting it is not going to make it any better you're just hindering yourself and you're holding back only to start from scratch and I think that's even worse at this point i just rather just fail multiple times or, you know, love not work you out at this point versus just constantly run away or escape it because I'm not doing myself any favors. Yeah.

As, you know, depression-wise, a long time ago, there was this research. And the research, they did the research about how many people are depressed in a very wealthy neighborhood and how many people were depressed in a very poor neighborhood. And the research that came back was that...

Wealthy, more depressed. The wealthy people were more depressed. Yeah. And then the question is, are wealthy people, do they have just more problems? The more depressed? It was no. It was because the people in the poor neighborhoods were doing their best to just figure out how to make enough money to pay their rent or to eat.

So, you know, if they woke up and they felt sad, they're like, yeah, no shit, I'm fucking sad. My life sucks, but it'll get better or I just have to go to work. I don't have time to think about this. And they just did what they needed to help their children or whatever is going on in their life. The wealthy people, they were like, okay, I woke up today, and I'm feeling 8 out of 10 happy. I should be 10 out of 10 happy because Sophia is in Italy, vacationing on Instagram. So I'm going to check in with my life coach and my yoga instructor about what's going on because I must be depressed. And that's where this was coming from.

So we don't actually realize a lot of us what a privilege we have. What a privilege is life we all live because we get to wake up and we get to have so many choices and decisions you think in communist countries like back then in russia they had a choice to do anything no and i'm not and of course there's always going to be people who are luckier than us whether any room i walk in there's going to be someone smarter than me prettier than me richer than me more successful than me and have more opportunities i'm fully aware of that i grew up poor and i had no connections and i still have to work really hard to get everything i i i want because unfortunately i'm one of those idiots who doesn't use you

her looks and my personality is so aggressive that actually does the opposite effect for me and then I have to work like double harder to get what I want because I pissed off the wrong people. That's cooler though. That's way cooler. You know, and it's fine. Like I know people have more opportunities than me and luckier than me. That's okay. I'll, I'll just have to take a different path. But if you really want something, you can go get it. So this whole thing of thinking if your life isn't like someone else's right now, then it means you're depressed or you're sad. So fucking what it's just not it's not happening for you yet you're also not appreciating the good moments that are happening for you yeah there's nothing worse than finally getting what you want

that's interesting when you get what you want you finally reach it you go now what i have no more goals i have nothing else i got really depressed when i hit the highest up with daddy issues i was like the it girl for a whole year i was getting brand deals left and right i bought a house from just like two three brand deals that i got yeah like that house i live in it was just i was chilling but then i was like what i do what now what's my purpose yeah and then you suddenly start to see your social media also go take a toll and you're like oh fuck my whole worth is yeah based on my you know this is something i dealt with for sure too the social media thing because like my whole like my entire 20s to where i am now it's been like i've literally been on instagram since

2011 when it was first invented literally first started No, straight up. Okay. No, I'm dead serious. Like, I think a month and a half after, it came, because it came out in October 2010. Oh, okay. So literally pretty much. The beginning.

That's crazy. Like, so my whole 20s, and before it was even a thing where I could go on Instagram and like be an influencer, I was just like posting shit. So from the inception of it to like now, it's been like my entire life. And it did do something that was really interesting. I, over time, like my valid. of like my worth was really closely tied to like likes and followers and growing and all this stuff and I did get a little bit like misconstrued in my mind about like what actually really mattered and there was an interesting point I think around like 26 27 when like I got distant

from who I actually was and like what I actually wanted to give like aside from the fact that like I love the gym I love working out I taught I taught all that like how I did what I did and why I do what I do in the gym. That part of me that I told you earlier about like really sharing about my life and what I've been going. It started to like fade and I started to focus on well, this doesn't get as many views and me lifting the girls and like doing the crazy stuff got more views. So I just focused on that and this like voice in me that like really is who I am just really started to just kind of go. And then I didn't even realize to looking back. I was like I had all this like pressure of having to perform a certain way or having to like look a certain way or having to show up a certain way

or like film certain types of content that like I did get kind of pulled away from what was really making me actually happy and I was still having success and I was still growing but it's interesting you talk about like the rich people to poor people with the happiness and the depression I can look back in my early 20s when I first started making zero dollars like living in my truck like lived in fucking 11 different places in eight years all throughout LA trying to like figure my life out and I was like so happy I had nothing I had all my shit in a car like would live with girls. I live with like a client.

Like it was just the craziest shit because I was a trainer. And I look back and I like, yeah, I was stressed sometimes because I needed to like buy food. But I was so happy. And then I had all this money and I had all this like clout and all these followers and all this engagement and YouTube's millions of followers and all this stuff. And it was a point where I was like 27. I was like,

what the fuck? Like why do I feel this way? And I got really disconnected from like I said that that true purpose of mind that like when I did it, I felt my best when I would just talk about these things that like really were affecting my life or had affected my life sharing that that's when I felt the best because like I also I also really recognize that when I had anytime I would show up to an event and like people wanted to come like take pictures or like you know whatever fans or whatever you want to call it they would always talk

about all of that sort of content and never like oh you know like yeah they'd be like maybe I saw these cool lists but not like nine times 10 times out of 10 the person would tell me a story like Oh, when you spoke about this, you made me think about my life like this. Like when you're talking about your father, I related to this part of my life or my mom, whatever. And that was always the most fulfilling. And I just got so caught up and like, but I got to perform at this level. And I just find it interesting that like, it's like you can get so pulled away, but even having all the success and just kind of losing sight of your true self.

But I think that's where I'm with you on that. Same thing happened to me. And then that's where you have to stop seeking that outside validation. obviously whether you're a big creator or you're not a creator at all but you still post things on Instagram to get garnish attention when you seek outside validation nothing ever feels enough and and I think I can relate to what you were saying right now same thing whenever I would obsess over the followers or whatever I didn't feel true to myself and that's when I would feel the lowest because when I created daddy issues and it was making a lot of people laugh and yes it was helping me

find myself, but it was this moment where I thought, wow, I can potentially have a voice and it should mean something. Like, I want to make people feel good. Yeah. And that's, that's my purpose. Who knows what's going to happen? I didn't know I was going to, and then have a podcast or be a speaker and focus and all that. But I was like, I have a purpose and I hope I can help people heal and laugh. So when those, those moments where you get out of that, you're like, wait, my purpose was to see how many likes I can get. Like, get the, like that's what you're And that's why you get sad because, you know, your body, your mind, you realize that's not where you're at.

You know, it feels good to help other people. That's what a lot of times when you're really sad, if you, instead of just focusing on yourself, you just listen to someone else about their problems and help them. Yeah. You would actually feel so much better. You just don't realize that. Yeah. Making someone else smile, it's, I think it's the best thing in the world.

I mean, this goes back to like what's the point of life in general, right? It's just like experiencing. it's love it's 100% love it's experiencing love it's trying to find love it's trying to share love give love that's all it is like there's nothing else like everything we do truly all this stuff that people do like people trying to make money people trying to like become famous or be popular or like all of the things that people are like programmed to do to try to like succeed even though it's like super like out of bounds like to a crazy degree like the core of it is to To be loved.

Yeah. So like people think men think if I have this certain level of success, then I'll have a woman or if I have this sort of money or if women have this like they look this beautiful, then they'll be chosen or they have these qualities and they'll be like they'll be able to find someone that cares and that loves about them or a community that cares and loves about them. Every everything we do comes back down to that. I agree. And yes, loving yourself is important. And I definitely, I've now gone there just through working on myself and understanding. and understanding qualities about myself that I can fix and also then mending my relationships

with people in my life, like including my father, who, you know, we don't really talk about the past and when it happens, if we do talk about the past, not really briefly, I can feel how guilty is and I just chose to forgive him because when you really, for me personally, when you really look at it, I forgot which podcast I saw that these few men were talking about,

it was during the pandemic and one of them asked the other guy how old is your dad and he goes 70 and he goes how often you see your dad he goes once a year and he goes okay so let's say your dad has until 80 to live so if you really think about it you have 10 more times to see your father before it's gone so when you realize there's a countdown to each person in your life not just your father but you will have a last time with every person you'll ever meet in your life yeah so when you realize there's if you just saw a countdown over each person's head when walking past you, you may cherish those moments a lot more and you may start to forgive a lot more. You don't always have to forgive your family members. I don't know what you've been through with them. But for me, I chose,

when I started working in relationship with my dad is because I realized I may not have that long with my father. My grandparents are all dead. They all died at a young age. Who knows? So I want my dad to know that I love him because I realize now that he loved me in his, own way and I chose to forgive him so whenever he's felt guilty about the past I'm just like it's fine don't worry about it and I don't mind carrying that weight not everyone is okay with that some people think it's unfair yeah it was unfair it's always unfair as a child when you have to act like the adult or to take on certain pain it is what it is but I have a choice and I chose to let it go yeah why do you think it's hard for people to let it go because I it's funny this reminds me my mom

because I don't know how much I don't want to like tell all her information but she had a really hard time just like with I guess her childhood and with her mom and looking back on it like I've I've had these conversations with her like when we were I'll give you an example um when I was really really young I had a step obviously have a step family not obviously but you wouldn't know I have a step family and she would treat she would treat kind of like the step family a little bit different than like me and my brother because of you know whatever the dynamic there was there. between like the stepmom and like their mom and the real mom you know what I'm saying and so there was this whole like power dynamic and I remember one time I must have been like eight years old because my mom told me this story later when I was older and I went up to her and I was like you treat these like you know my step brother and sister just like shit sometimes like differently from me and my brother like your kids and I was like when they grow up they're going to hate you because you're mean to them and this is like a little kid saying this like seeing the difference in treatment and she I remember I remember I had this I remember this conversation and then that was

really it she told me years later that I had this conversation with her and she said she went cried she was like why does it like a kid know this like kind of better than I did yeah and uh she said like that like I don't know if that was just a moment where she was like this this like kid is like different but yeah I'll show you like shit too then yeah you're grateful you little fucking bastard yeah you're ungrateful no but like I like I said it came down knowing my mom now as I as I got older like she had like a like a tough relationship like a tough upbringing with like her mom and her family and I was talking to her the other day we were getting breakfast like I spent a couple months ago and it was talking about forgiveness the thing you were just

saying she held so much resentment towards like her mom and like how she was brought up and I remember this because like all throughout my life she would talk about how she was treated in relationship to like her sisters she had a bunch of sisters and how she just felt it felt unfair to her and She would constantly talk about this. I mean talking about like, you know, I don't know, a couple times a year I'd have this conversation. And I mentioned they're repeating the pattern of what her mom did to her. Yeah.

So, yeah, to those kids, right. But, but, but it's like, it's just so interesting because I remember as I got older and as I started doing more of my shit, I remember I started being like, why do you keep redoing this? Like she's like 64 now. I don't quote me all that wrong, but 64, 63. And like I had this conversation with her like this year and we were at, we were at breakfast and she brought it up again and I was like, you know, you, you, you're like,

your mom's going to die eventually. You got to, just forgive her. Her mom's still alive. Her mom's alive. And I was like, just forgive her. Like, just go. Just let it all go. Because like, you can't be 63 and be like, like, having the conversation with me and I could still feel that like you're holding on to it still. That's so sad. Yeah. So it's like I said, coming down. And it's even more sad because she repeated the pattern of the person she despise that, which is happens very, very often, let's say, like in my whole family, we don't drink because my dad end up doing the opposite of his father. But normally, if you grow up with a father that's an alcoholic, you may have substance abuse

or drinking problems, or she grew up with a mom that was very harsh on her and she's subconsciously and they're being harsh to her kids because that's the only way she knows how to show love. And now she's sitting there being resentful, now realizing that she continued the generational trauma to your step siblings yeah and it's like that that's interesting that's a really real thing this like generational trauma thing like how a thing is just passed down to be yeah that's really interesting i've actually i've actually been reading more about that but yeah so i'm sitting at breakfast with her and uh i was telling her i was like i just like sometimes i got i'm a little

have to be a little tough with her and i'm just like you just need to just get over this shit you need to forgive her and she she ever she kind of cried a little bit and she's like you're fucking right like i don't know well because if we forgive the person we're holding all this resentment to then we have all this empty area and then who are we then it's kind of a way where my I my whole idea of who I am as a person is the victim of you yeah I mean essentially you're forgiving yourself and you're letting go yeah and then if once you and if it's so easy to forgive then you're kind of like you also have to come to the realization that you wasted 60 years yeah try or like you know once she also should then she also

also realized how she treated your step, uh, your step siblings. That's another. You're like, wait, the person I despise I was actually, because there's, I hated my dad for so many years, only to realize I have the same personality as him. Like, that's depressing. You know, my hobbies, I thought it was so cool with all the hobbies I have. My hobbies are my dad's hobbies because I was so desperate growing up for my dad to pay notice to like, know I exist that to this day, I was like, oh, I'm so cool. Like, I'm a cool girl. I have hobbies. Like, no. they're all my dad's hobbies like there's nothing original about me you were so trying to prove yourself pardon you were so trying to prove yourself yeah I I I I I do for fun I do puzzles like I live for puzzles

I do puzzles though those are fun yeah but it's I picked it up for my dad I do puzzles I play chess I grew up playing video games I can still play video games nonstop because my dad plays video games even now even now yeah that guy's cool what video games do you play um well I bought him reality a while back okay so he's been playing he plays that and sometimes when i come to visit my parents he set up he sets up a video game for me and i don't play anymore but i'll play just for him to think huge i still like video games but yeah so let's see puzzles chess um puzzles chess video games i forget what else but basically all my hobbies are just my dads yeah yeah i mean it's like you We're talking it's just like you I think people forget how much they actually take from all their surroundings like even the people that should just surround yourself with how much we like grow from the people that we're in that are in our circle that are in our life you know we're talking earlier about like the even where we take advice from when we're like in those situations like how much that actually can't affect you and like shift you shift you a little bit so it's like you got to be kind of also really aware of that that you're not like you said you can't you can't ask the friend who's like dealing with a terrible breakup.

or the friend who's a fucking thought like how to fix a relationship yeah i mean sometimes they may have good advice but i would say the cool thing with you talking to your mom is that it's cool how you don't realize but at a certain point the dynamic changes and you're no longer the child you're kind of the parent your parents yeah i felt like that for a long time right for a long time let's let's switch a little bit let's talk a little bit about dating um biggest red flags for guys to look for in women. Oh, come on. And vice versa.

You have to. And then vice versa. Will you tell me then about guys, rough flags? Yeah, of course. Okay, fair. Yeah. Okay,

biggest red flags with women? Like, I'm a guy. I'm trying to date this girl and like bang, bang, bang, like, whoa. Wait a second. If you have no idea

what they do for a living, but they always have money. That's one. Oh, someone's paying for it. Yeah. 100%. So, like, Like, I'm not, like, I'm not saying that's a red flag, but if that bothers you.

If you're not okay with it, then. Yeah, or you got to pay for it. Yeah, but like you don't know. Like, she never told you. Oh, she's hiding it. Yeah. She's, like, always just chilling. She's, you know, tanning.

And then she has all this money and you have no idea how. Most likely she has people paying for it. That can be a little red flag. She's always on boats on the summer. Yo, seriously, she's in Miami. Massive red flag. So just Miami is a red flag. red flag well it depends what you look i'm talking about if you're looking for a serious

partner i'm not talking about if you're looking to have casual hookups i'm talking about serious partner yeah and and these red flags are more of this honesty because especially if you're serious about partner you probably don't want her talking to other guys to get on because you know like as a girl who has looks kind i don't i don't well i think looks are subjective so i never want hype myself up or whatever because I can I look different for each person but as a girl with a hole as someone with holes the men are attracted to you know every holy shit that's funny every girl in holes I get invited to on boats okay and then I have to make the decision to not do it or unless I have a friend obviously that's willing to take one for the team because

I won't do that so I'm just saying that I can see how that can be a red flag okay what goes on boats check yeah but obviously these two are more of jokes obviously i'm making jokes right now so let's see more serious ones red flags about women if they talk really badly about their parents i think both both men and women if you're dating someone that constantly talks really badly about their parents it's a red flag yeah if if she's oh if if you're dating someone that constantly says my dad's a piece of shit men are trash blah blah they're gonna she's gonna take all the trauma on you Yeah. So definitely I think it's nice to date someone that maybe says I don't really speak to my family,

but not trashing them all the time. It's a reflack because how people treat their parents is normally going to be how they're going to treat you. Yeah, it's true. I did a guy who didn't really respect his mom, thought she was beneath him, and guess what? It was the same dynamic. I just didn't realize it. So let's see. I just, it's so hard for me to think about women reflex.

I'm like, we don't have any. that is fucking crazy thinking you don't have any red flags huge red flag um so she's a bad communicator but again that's men and women okay let me think what what's a real rough flag well like women one for guys I would say is like if you're a girl you're listening um I mean just I feel this is for girls as well if if they only talk to you like out of certain times and if they only want to see you certain times of the day like granted if you're working all day that's different but like let's say it's say it's like saturday and like they're only like it's always at nighttime if someone only sees you at night time

all the time it's a it's a it's a there's something else going on there yeah okay but yeah so that does this feel like it's for women what you say well you work though that's what i'm saying it's different if we work all day yeah if we work all day and that's that's a true statement then it's not but it's like if you know the person doesn't have a job that works all day but they're own they only make time for you at night and they're sketchy with how you show up at their house or their place yeah that's what i would say other red flags are it's i's i wow i didn't realize how biased i am until right now because i'm like trying to sit and think about reflex for women i'm like there are not we're so great um that's tough if she's it if they're back i would say red flags for both

bad communicators or if they take two to five business days to respond to your text or call is because they're dating other people. Yeah. If they're kind of friend zoning you, if they're talking about other people they're dating to you, it's because they don't like you like that or they're trying to hint.

If they're just full on, just trying to have you pay for everything, you guys just met and they're like, yeah, we can talk for an hour, but here's my memo. Why don't you memo me some money? Well, that's insane. I don't know.

What? Do girls even do that? I don't know. Whoa. I'd be like, uh, go fuck yourself. What? Um, what other, okay, how about this?

You tell me what you think where flags are in women and I'll tell you yes or no. All right, guys, quick and erosion for one of our sponsors, babble.com. Check this out. I'm still working on my Spanish. Umpiquito. I know a little bit, but listen, if you guys have ever thought you wanted to learn another language, babel.com makes it super easy, really easy, like bite size lessons, like 15 minute lessons. Spend like 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there, 15 minutes a day. You're going to learn a little bit of Spanish like me.

I'm really good at hearing it and understanding it, not as good as speaking it. Maybe it's because I'm a little bit embarrassed or nervous. But give Babel a shot. Check them out. They also have 14 languages. I'm also trying to interested in learning some Italian, which is similar to Spanish, so it's kind of easier. Give it a shot if you guys are interested, if you've been thinking about learning another language

or you want to like a simple, seamless, easy way to do it. Go to babble.com slash raw talk to get 55% off your subscription. Again, that is babble.com slash raw talk. Let's get back into this podcast and learn some Spanish. Spanish maybe next time. I see you next week. I love you guys. Go back to this pot. Let's do it. Damn. Um, this is funny. Jacob, what do you think? Because I have like my red flags and I think about them. They're just like too personal. Okay. Just say it. Oh. You think if she does only fans a red flag? Damn. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I don't have an only fan so I can't speak on it. But I think so many

girls now do have it so I think that's a preference and by the way there's nothing wrong with being someone who's not comfortable with dating a woman who has who's not comfortable with dating a woman that has an only fan like I think that's a preference and depends what you're looking for yeah some guys are okay with dating girls who are in boats yeah boat girls yeah that's a red flag that's a really good one it's a funny red flag if she's like in miami with her friends if she lives in miami or yeah no no it's not even though she lives in miami it's like if she's like going to Miami with it's like a girl ship Miami red like just that's not your girl or if her phone's off half of the time but these are for men and women yeah that one's bad

yeah if she you know the you know the worst one is if like because i've realized this like if someone can't pick up your call even for a second to be like hey what up like i'm busy you know if they're like oh i can't i can't pick up my call that's like not not that you need to like call someone fucking every minute of the day yeah but if someone can't pick up the phone to be like hey what's up what if they're recording a podcast well that's different so I'm saying, but that's what I'm saying. If I know they're recording a podcast, you know, you're understanding of that, right? But if someone's just like, I don't know, I'm, you know they're not working and they're like, I'm just busy.

I'm busy right now, you know, like text you all, I'm busy. Yeah. Like, yeah, pick up for a sec. No. Yeah. Or someone that lies a lot, if they're just even first, they start with little white lies, but lies that don't make sense. Kind of like, oh, yeah, I'm just, I was at Julia's all day, but really she was home. And it just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. It's a white lie, but those white

lies will add up to a bigger lie. So people who lie even the smallest things, if you start to notice, they're not making sense or you start to notice there you guys are let's it all go out and you talk to new people and they just make up some random lie. Let's say they take someone else's experience or pretend it's their experience so they can be make everyone laugh. But you should pay attention to those things because it stems from somewhere and it's not normal. Or if their reality is always not your reality, where they're either always causing drama or they're always picking fights

or they think everything's wrong or they expect you to put all the effort in and they're not putting any effort in. Yeah, that's a big way. They're not reciprocating at all. Or if, I can't think, what other... That's a huge one though. The reciprocation is a big one.

Yeah. But in the beginning, I do believe, like even with the guy, the man that I'm with dating, I would say communication wise, 90 to 95% of the time, he contacts me first. And that's what we talk. But we're also in the beginning of our dating. We haven't been dating long enough for me. How long have you been dating? Like a month.

Oh, that's like brand new brand. Yeah, we're very brand new. and I like, A, I don't like to bother people. Yeah. I'll think about someone all day, but I don't want, I don't want someone to also get comfortable with me really fast. And I like the idea of someone pursuing me. So I like, if that person wants to talk to me, they'll call me.

Of course, that's not for everyone. But for me, based on how I've seen in the past, that if you rush into things too fast and you're just giving your all as a woman, A lot of times it seems that you'll get taken for granted or it gets boring. So I kind of, yeah, I like to still, I like to just be the one that the, he called like, yeah, 5%, maybe 10% I'll hit him up first. But that's not the case usually. I like, for me, I like that. So I think as long as you communicate with people about how long does that have to persist?

Is that an always thing? Is that like a forever thing? Like at what point do you go like, okay, like I'm, I'm. I'm going to reciprocate more. I mean, when he calls me, we talk for like four hours sometimes. Yeah, but like, but like, what if he just stops calling you and you're like, wait, like, are you going to call him? You're going to be like, he has to call me. He stopped calling me.

I would assume he lost interest. What if he was testing you? He's like, let's see if she's going to be here. I don't like test. Then he would, he would probably, part of the whole thing of us communicating, he'll probably tell me. If he told me, I wish you would call me more. And then I'd be like, yeah, okay. And you would do that?

Yeah, of course. Oh, okay. I just genuinely believe in the beginning. I understand. I think a guy should pursue me. This is when he's courting me. And I, you know, when we're together, I'm as loving as possible, and I really show all my effort. But I feel like in the past, sometimes my love came through text, and I'm showing all my personality in the text or in that.

Oh, there's a red flag. If they're always on their phone when they're with you. Oh, yeah. Women and men. Biggest red flags Although I will say what's crazy I had someone in my podcast And

He said he thought it was a red flag When a girl puts her phone Oh my God okay In dinner If your phone Listen If the phone is always face down And if the phone is always on D&D

That's not your girl That's me Yeah well You're not anyone's girl Congrats Congrats dude You are a thought I don't know

No You just admitted it No, when the guy said that about the girl's phone, I said, that's because I'm trying to focus on that, on you. I'm like, I literally- Wow, you just gave these girls a great excuse. Okay. Wow, this is fucked up.

That's fun. No, but that's what I do. I'm just trying to focus on you. No, but that's literally what I do. I value time with people, so I hate when people on their phone when they're with me. That's like, that's such a pet peeve for me. So just have the phone up and don't answer it. I genuinely don't give a shit to put my phone up.

I just always put my phone down to not look at it all my life. okay now tell because that's what the guy said and I said well I have that because I am just so focused on the other person and because it's my pet my pet peeve when people are on their phone when they're with me yeah because I'm not on my phone so I'm like why are you and then my phone is always and do not disturb because I work for a living being on my phone and it stresses me out when all the text pop so my thing is forever just do not disturb but the guy I'm dating I added him on the list of uh because i've my agents and my family under the list where it doesn't count for those people so he's part of it so his text will show up getting way too complicated now dude you hear

this shit bro so it's so funny it's been way too complicated like there's just too many levels to that i get so stressed out i think people have too much access to you these days like it actually stresses me out where if someone calls me not answering then they'll text me or they'll email me then they DM me or respond to my story because they think there's all this access to me. Just because you have access to me doesn't mean I'm going to respond to you. I don't like that. I think people have too much access to you

these days and it gives me genuine anxiety. It's a lot. So my phone is always on Do Not Disturb because I have three Instagram accounts. I have a TikTok and I have millions of followers everywhere and I respond to people on DMs and then people are emailing

me. I have like five email addresses. People are email me business. I'm getting phone calls from people and texts. I have so many texts. No, I need peace. So that's why I have it, but I never realized that that's a red flag. That's a huge red flag. Okay, so from now on I go on dates with my guy. I have to, I'm going to leave my phone up. Phone up. I literally was like trying to be respectful. Don't answer her. He's going to be like, damn, this girl likes me. If my phone's up. Yeah, he's going to be like this chick really fucks to me. I bet you he mentions it. How old is he? I don't, he's younger than me.

Okay. All right. We don't need exact age. I was just trying to think right. I'm like, he's 50. I'm kidding. Yeah. It's so funny. Like, you can make that joke. I made that joke. It's not funny. Yeah. It's funny how that works. He's six years younger than me. Wow. Yeah. Damn. Okay. That's a lot younger than you. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Okay. Well. Yeah. Yeah. That's Amazing. Congrats. You know, you're so lucky. It's like roll reverse there. Yeah. Um, there's everyone who listens and, you know, they, they take things to that level to that degree, right? Because it's like they're taking it there. But it's not necessarily just there. And there's also a lot of good in this stuff. Like, there's a lot of stuff that is like, as far just empowering for men that is like, for most cases, like had never really been as acceptable. Like, because I feel like for a very long time, it was more like, men were just, like, trained to be bitches for sure on the internet when when when were men trained to be

the last fucking five years on the internet it's like you can't you can't stand and say something like that if you if i felt this you can't say that we're all taught now to say what we're supposed to say but that's not just men that's women too sure sure but just in general that's what i'm saying like there are so many things that you can't you like you even know there's things you can't say because you don't want to offend people and what i'm saying is overall like I fully believe like when that guy came into it and the reason why he got so popular not just because the hateful stuff

for like the crowding around hate he was also someone who just came and was just like I don't give a fuck I have no allegiance to anything and everyone is looking for that because so many other people and creators like even I there's certain things certain conversations I have to have a certain way

just because I know that on the platforms that I'm existing on could kick me the fuck off if I just said something that I really felt yeah I mean certain things you should just keep to yourself. I get that. It's not even about certain things keeping yourself.

There's actually things that I believe that if I said, like, for example, on certain platforms, let's say YouTube, they don't like it. They don't want it on YouTube. Right. I get that. And I've had those thoughts in the past as well about, well, that's not fair. Because if I feel something, I should just be able to say. And that's fine.

If that's a road you want to die on and that's what you're really passionate about, that you should definitely speak on it. But the end of the day, then I look back and I realize, oh, I have a job. my job is to speak on mental health and dating and all that okay my job is not to speak on these other things that just because i feel them i could still feel those things but doesn't mean i have to say it all the time and then once i realize what my job is then i i calm down about the fact that that's fine if i don't share all my opinions as for andrew tate it's not that i look it'll be easy for me i don't dislike him i can understand where a lot of women come from

and i have those women's backs i don't know what he if whatever he did is right or wrong I don't think anyone should, I think everyone deserves a voice, even though I don't agree with his voice and I don't agree with his following. I don't believe in closing, like shutting people out or deleting their social media. I don't agree with that at all. But one thing I don't agree with is it's hard for me to respect anyone who grows their following or their business or brand based on hate. And that's not just Andrew Tate.

That's other people as well. Because I see them. I even have friends who pretend that it's. the whole brand is about love but it's really about hate whether it's hating all women or hating all men i don't agree with either one because it just takes tears people apart and even when i have moments where even post my any clips about dating and i start to read the comments and i can see women and men fighting about it like the last episode that i did the videos that i posted and i'm just like a man should chase you they didn't realize the talking beginning of dating

all these men were writing hateful things and women were arguing with each other i wasn't like Yeah, F those guys. I was kind of like, oh, shit, I don't like this. So I'm like, okay, my next episode is going to figure out how to have healthy relationship where both people feel understood. I think there's much more value and respect on my end when someone creates something based on love. Because love is so much harder, but it's so much more meaningful.

And hate is so easy. It's like, have you ever seen all the memes of there's nothing that brings two best friends together faster than hating the same person yeah and it's so easy it's and even social media has taught us that the algorithm yeah it's fucking terrible brings more value to hate so if i posted a controversial clip it will get much more views faster than if i said everyone should love each other because that's boring yeah so that's what that part i don't respect and andrew t is not the only person creator that exists where the whole brand is just hate You know, it's interesting, though, it's like, this is like they've also proved this to be so true.

The algorithm and the thing we're talking about, like on Facebook and Instagram, it's like, it's also like the platforms themselves, though, like they're not willing to shift the change. Yeah. Because like they were talking about how like TikTok and like other places is like completely different than our TikTok, like the way that they push certain things like versus ours is like, it's like almost like just pushing bullshit versus somewhere else pushing like education and things that are like actually been. official to the youth. Yeah, that sucks. And we have this like, this whirlwind of just bullshit. But we can't blame the abses because they did enough research to figure out what people are tuning into.

So unfortunately, it's also what we're tuning into. If we're all feeling really hateful after the pandemic and we need to channel our hate towards something, it's much easier again to sit there and to channel all this hate than to be like, oh, I hate myself. No, no, I hate that bitch over there because she won't show me her tits. Yeah. Like, that's so much easier. Show us your tis.

Why? Yeah. No, I get it. Like, I mean, for example, I'm cool with Dan Blasarian. I don't think he's a bad person. I love that was so funny. I love Dan. That's my homie.

Yeah, he's a cool guy. When people say, when women DM me about him, I'm like, I don't know what this I'm like, I don't care. He's whatever. I mean, honestly, he should be thankful for Andrew because now he looks like an angel compared to Andrew. Yo, it's so funny both these guys. I love both these guys.

His brand is not hateful. It was just him, just being honest. I have money and I can get all these girls around, and that's what he did. I didn't, I respected that. Yeah. I just don't respect the hate part with other people. I get it. I hear you.

I hear you. And like I said, though, it's like, this is, the internet is definitely like getting weirder and weirder. Yeah. I mean, when, when the videos, I'm a feminist, obviously. I'm very pro-women, but I also am understanding where when I saw those TikTok videos of women at the gym and then always calling out creepy people i i wasn't like oh they can do no wrong it was more like okay dude can we people just i think i even commented on one of your videos and i was

like oh my god can people just stop recording other people at the gym like what is up with that that is so awed to me and then i like the videos that you were doing in return and talking about it because i agree with it so it's not like i completely said they're blindly always agreeing with everything my gender does yeah i because and i didn't like that it was hateful i didn't like that you were shaming a poor guy for yeah it was fucked up yeah i don't like i don't like people shaming anyone it's just it's cruel anyone that can have success or to feel better about themselves shaming other people is just mean do you do you think like do you think it's going to get better or worse because i think it's just going to get fucking way worse i think it depends where you're looking

this is going to sound really cliche and I think sometimes I say a lot of things where it gives me hope when I say them out loud but I think it's where you look so for some people if we're only paying attention to all the hate it will keep getting worse

because all we will notice is all the hate but I think there's a lot of love and a lot of beautiful things happening everywhere around us if we decide to pay attention to that so I can't control the world and I can't control how much people people are getting. It's even the same thing with these algorithms. Like you notice if you

start looking at something on your like Instagram thing, your explore page was just like carve and copy that shit. Like it's just like everything starts to look like the same thing. I know. I can't say this. Jacob, sorry. Can I say this? So Jacob the other day, we were at the gym and he was like, he must have been scrolling. I don't know if he's clicking on like pictures of girls or something, but like he were joking. He was talking to Diego and he was like my explore page just a bunch of girls now like it's just yeah what you click is you just get more of it yeah mine too so it's like girls and animals girls and animals nice what kind of animals just like all of them yeah like dogs yeah it's more like a dog wait wait a second hold on a second did I just say dogs and

you went they're so cool they're not for me whoa you're a psychopath yeah holy shit this is Yo, this is bad. What? That's a red flag for sure. That's the biggest red flag in a human. Pardon? In a human. Yeah, no, 100%.

Why? What's going on? I used to have this joke where if I was dating. Are you okay? I have a cat. I'm a cat person. Do you have more than one cat? I only have one.

Okay. I'm allergic to cats. Wow. So I actually can't have cats, but I love my cats so much that I can't get rid of her. Wow. But I used to have this. joke where when I find out a guy has a dog I'd be like oh how old is your dog because of my brain I'm like trying to count down when the dog's going to die I'm totally kidding oh my god

oh my god that is insane that was an insane it's a joke I mean I do comedy too whoa but that's an insane joke I know it's terrible the like the sweetest things what about what is it what how did you not fall in love with a dog they're just they just move so much it's a lot i've never heard anyone say that they're like move so much and you're like okay can you just relax and then me and my cat are both like oh my god you're such a cat person that's crazy my that makes sense my cat is very loving and she she's actually really needy yeah scratch the fuck out of you just loves you she never scratches she doesn't scratch her bite and she's very needy and every morning she wakes me up by licking my face wow that's actually

She's sweet. I have nothing against cats. I just, I just love dogs. No, dogs, like, with a partner, I would say I would want to get a dog with them, but I have to be a hyperalergic, allergenic dog. I'm allergic. Yeah, hyperalogenic. Yeah, that. I used to have a snake. I love snakes. dope. It choked on a mouse and died. I don't think that's a lie. That's not a lie. It happened. What? Isn't that what they do? I don't know. Somehow choked. I don't know. I was a kid. Maybe the parents just threw it out. I don't know. Yeah, because I feel like that's the whole purpose of the snake is like put it in its thing and it just decompress, you know, like, yeah. I actually love animals that other people don't love. I love anything that's ugly.

I love it because I feel bad that other people don't love it. So it's like my thing. So that's why I like snakes. I love lizards. Like I would have all of those as my pets because other people don't like them. I just like anything that other people think is ugly. Are you a fixer? Yeah.

But I like, I like, do you like, I love them, yeah. I mean, I love animals in general. Me too. Except dogs. It's like the weirdest thing. That's like the craziest shit. No, I like dogs.

If I'm dating someone, I will like their animal because I like them. Okay. But I think that's what's important for you when you're a parent to have animals as a child. Because I didn't grow up with animals. So I didn't have a chance to really learn how to love animals. Yeah, developed that relationship. Yeah. And then I finally had a cat.

It took me six months to love my cat. dude you're funny but then I learned to love my cat that was even a joke and that was funny you're dead serious about that yeah I'm like making a bad dude who the fuck buys a cat and is like I don't know what I feel about this thing

it was my first I'm having an animal yeah oh okay that's a little learning curve for you yeah yeah just no I'm obsessed with her I love my cat so much I make a lot of jokes though how old is your cat that's a good question six or seven but cats live forever Fuck They live forever

I just picture them just like going like Like they're gonna just spit up a fucking hairball Yeah it's so gross She like throws up all the time It's very annoying Not my thing So so let's talk about the gym a little bit Obviously because I'm fucking jacked

Do you go to the gym? I recently stopped going Not recently I stopped going to the gym I would say the last year or two That sucks It does actually suck Yeah It's good for your mental health

I end up sometimes just being home just working the whole time because I write a lot. I'm writing something right now. And then I also have two episodes on my podcast. So I write my episodes out because a lot of them are solo. And I have to do research first. So I kind of just, I'm such a home body,

especially because I live so deep in the hills. Damn, baller. That's such a baller thing to say. I live so deep in the hills. But I recently just started picking because the guy I'm dating works out. And I really like, I like dating people that have good habits because I pick up on those habits.

So him working out has inspired me to get back into working out, but I recently lost way and I lost a good amount of a lot of my muscle mass. So I've been trying to gain that back by lifting weights and things like that. Do you encourage it? Like do you encourage it to your audience to work out? Okay. Whoever said don't work out. I don't know. I mean, some people are like some people just don't talk about it. Not like they'll say don't work out. Some people just don't. I encourage good habits. I mean, working out helps with your depression and sadness. It's it's basically when people. sometimes do drugs just to have that euphoric moment, they don't realize that if they worked out and they put themselves through just that extra mile of pain afterwards, you actually hit that euphoric moment, you know, without, and it's natural without doing the drugs. I wish I could work out more. I used to work out.

I used to do boxing four to five times a week. And then Krav Magal. I really like just hitting things. Yeah, I could tell. I noticed that. Yeah. See, he doesn't like dogs, likes hitting things. Like snakes.

You might be a... So sweet buff? Yeah. No, because I have empathy. Oh, yeah. I think. I'm getting. I think.

So what's your relationship with your mom? Oh, my mom is the best person of ever met my life. She is the sweetest. She's literally the best mother I could ask for. She's so loving. And it's so interesting growing up because I spent so much time looking up to my dad wanting my dad to notice me that I completely sometimes I think would ignore her or would look down at her thinking she's weak for showing emotions or for showing love and that she showed me love

so easily and I think as a child I didn't realize it yet but I couldn't process that her love was unconditional because with my dad like for years I had to figure out how to work for that love it's funny how we just literally talked about all this like focusing on like the negative stuff and you like literally your whole brain was like negative stuff got to fix it and then you forgot like this whole side of stuff no i i talk about my mom sometimes and on my podcast people hear how much i love my mom but it took me like i didn't understand why growing up i look down at my mom like even saying that out loud is so insane because she's the sweetest human ever but i was so focused on wanting my dad to love me and looking at him as a hero for never showing

emotions or crying and this lady she's so loving and unconditional love didn't make sense to me because with my dad I have to work for it so I don't know what the fuck did they work out they're opposites they work out really well they're they're great together but also my dad's very old fashioned and my mom's old fashioned with him yeah where my dad works and my mom cooks for him and takes care of him wow yeah and that dynamic works for them but my dad taught my sister and I from a young eight like it's such a weird dynamic because actually I never seen my parents fight ever and the reason I've My dad wasn't around is because I grew up with my dad working away.

So we'd be away for three months and home for a month. So I only saw him four months of the year. And then if we could see him more, we would go. My dad would work on the ship. So I grew up like on ships technically, which is something I never really said. Oh, L. Oh, L.O.L. Yeah. So that's how I've traveled Europe and all that growing up because my dad was chief engineer on these ships, cargo ships.

So sometimes we would sail with him in order for my mom to be a restaurant. him more yeah but that's how we didn't really grow up together until we moved to the us when i was 14 when we won the green card lottery and it was the first time i've ever had to live with him full time and we just could not get along and he i don't know yeah it was difficult um but they always worked out but when i got older i found out one time my mom was like yeah you know first moved to the u.s your father was really annoying me and i started looking at places i was like thinking of divorcing him but you know and then it worked out anyway can you pass the assault and I was like what wait wait what I'm like when did you want to divorce my father she goes

you know how he gets he can be so annoying sometimes I'm like no I don't know how he gets I've never seen you guys fight in my life and I found out because they were hiding it for me they're thinking they're helping my sister and I not see a healthy relationship between them they're helping us never seeing my parents fight they're thinking they're doing us a favor turns out when you're an adult and you watch your parents what happened to me in my relationship subconsciously without realizing the first disagreement with a partner I'm like this is wrong this is not supposed to happen we're done and that's where it was coming from because I've never seen my parents fight doesn't seem healthy to me then we're having in a disagreement we're fighting this isn't supposed

to happen my parents never fought they did obviously apparently you know yeah so they and the reason they they work really well I'll tell you why because my dad loves my mom a little bit more than she loves him. That's... I feel like that's the other way around is better. No. My dad cannot survive without my mom. That's the difference. My mom has other friends. My dad's a loner. He has no friends. If my mom ever leaves for the weekend away, we all are worried about my dad. Is he going to be okay? Because I'm like, does my dad even know how to make a sandwich? Because sometimes you think, you sit and you think that being a, some people put down being a mother, first of all, being a mother is a full-time job. That is the job. Yeah.

that was my mom's role and my mom always taught me get a man to depend on you start doing something very small and he will depend on you and if you ever tries to leave and you walk away within two seconds you'll be like I cooking well that's my mom my dad exactly huge but my mom is a boss ass bitch because when I grew up I was thinking oh that must be such so weak look at my dad being the stronger person he's strong because she allows him to be the strong person Because the minute she says, finally she speaks up and she says, no, my dad's okay. So you sometimes don't realize how she's so smart that she just, she lets him think he's the, you know, ruler of the house. Or he lets her think that he, she thinks that he's a ruler.

When my father was with, my father was a player and he was with somebody for five years. He was never planning on marrying them. And then they parted ways and he met my mom within a month. he got proposed to her and they got married. Wow. So when he proposed to my mom, because she fit what he was looking for, he knew she would give him good looking kids.

He could be a housewife, even though she has her degrees and she used to be a professor before that. And he was like, okay, this just makes sense. And my mom didn't really love him yet and she was looking for a husband. Wait, let me tell you what happened. Yeah, go ahead.

One day, they get engaged and my dad said, he's like sitting there and he's like, I don't know. Maybe we rushed into this. maybe we shouldn't have done this, blah, blah, saying all these things. He turns around. My mom just starts packing. And he goes, oh, my God, what are you doing?

And she goes, well, you said, you obviously can't figure out what you're doing. So I don't need to be here for that. You figure out what you need. And then meantime, I'm going to go. I know better than to stay for this. And she started packing my dog. I was like, oh, my God, no, please. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have said that. And then they stay together and they're still together. You know, I saw a post of yours, which I found really interesting. And I think it's, like, really true. like a man will choose to be with the woman like when he's ready yeah fully 100% like I think that's I saw that and I was like damn this is like that's like fucking truth and it's and people take it so personally it doesn't mean you're not special but okay for example the guy that I'm dating like the only reason we're exclusive is because like we've talked I feel

so bad kind of sharing his stuff but um but for example we were talking about how he goes through phases and a while back recently last year he was going through a phase where he was uh he was dating like six girls who all knew about each other yeah because he was going through a phase and he was sleeping with all of them and he was like it was very stressful to be able to like take all of them out and like every day it's like for a specific girl they all knew about each other so every week he's sleeping with six of these girls which is so insane anyway he was going through a phase and I asked him would you if any of them. Was this a year ago? Yeah. It was his Andrew

Tate face. Pardon? It's Andrew Tate face. I'm sure he was listening to Andrew Tate at that time. I don't think so. Ask him. Okay well call him right now. Call him no no no I don't want to I don't want to put him no but I'm not I'm serious to ask him. Okay I will but you got to be tell the truth though. He tells me everything but the point is it's not I'm not looking down what he did but the thing is what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter how great those girls would have been where any of them would have been relational material he wasn't looking for that so he didn't view those women that way so I think in

that way in my opinion it can make you feel better as a woman that it's not you personally it's the guy because I asked him were any of those girls dating material and he goes yeah some of them were but if they were like I'm getting feelings for you I'll be like don't so I'm not saying that right now us dating that I'm not special I'm sure something about me he liked but did it happen to be a convenient timing that he met me right when he's probably more ready for something something more serious. Yeah. I think so.

Do you think that's the same, the opposite? All right, guys, quick interruption. Better help sponsor this pod. Check this out. Very, very important. If you guys have ever thought that you wanted to talk to someone, if you ever thought, listen, you wanted some unbiased opinion. You wanted some unbiased advice about what you're currently going through.

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someone that's going to be able to give you some unbiased advice it's not your homie it's not your best friend it's not someone like in your circle who has like an opinion based on you or a need off of you like find some help outside of your circle better help has got your back therapy is essential like i do it myself give it a shot if you guys want to check it out go to betterhelp dot com slash raw talk again that's better help dot com slash raw talk to get 10% off your first month. Give it a shot. You will not be disappointed. I promise. And a lot of ways, actually, yeah, but it does sometimes feel that with the dating dynamic, a lot of times, I don't know what it is, but it does feel like it's more sometimes just based

on traditional dating, like in the, you know, who proposes, usually the guy. So you have to wait for the guy to ask you to marry him. So based on traditional. type of dating I think it's more the guy because women a lot of times we can have male friends and we were never attracted to them and they stick around for long enough we're gonna fuck them just kidding no no I was gonna say like male friends are bullshit dude that's bullshit making a lot of jokes and I if you realize that people don't fully know it no I think that's true I don't even know if that's a joke that's a literal truth that's the truth no but eventually you stick around a guy friend stays around enough you're like because for women it's uh but that guy's not trying to be your

friend he's trying to be that guy well everyone says that i think that's true i don't think oh i think it depends but a lot of times it's yeah it's obviously circumstantial if like you you know i've talked about this before on podcast but like if you you you meet a girl because like she's like your friend's girl and then maybe you're like that's really my friend but even that circumstance can change you're like oh i have a relationship with this person my friend's gone i don't talk to him anymore like two years have passed i don't care anymore i like that girl like people people just linger around those relationships like i don't think there's dudes out here just trying to be like genuine friends with girls sometimes there are i i um i had these two guys who were my best friends when i was 20

and we were i was even a grooms man and one of the guys's weddings recently and i've never kissed or done anything with these two guys when i was just not getting along with my dad or um my boyfriend i were constantly breaking up because he had this problem of falling into other girls vaginas. Yo, such a, I slipped. I slipped again. Constantly, you're just constantly tripping. Fuck, dude.

Just, my dick was hard. I don't know what happened. Yeah, it was, you know, so it was clumsy like that. Yeah, it's clumsy, clumsy. And a lot of times, so I started going out with those two brothers and it was a group of like, I think it was four or five guys and then me and we're all going out all the time and I would sleep over at their house and are constantly sleeping either one of their beds, never touched me.

very, and we were friends so they were gay. They were just fucking a bunch of other girls, just not me. And we, I'm sure maybe in the beginning they considered her maybe one time I had a crush on one of them,

but then it passed that level. I'm not saying that's always the case. Yeah. There's those rare moments, but I was also a groomsman or whatever. I just feel like it's so much. But normally that's not the case. Yeah.

The guys are lingering, like just waiting for their shot. Yeah. But I also, I don't know. Okay, you tell me what you think. What do you think about the whole thing about, do you think social media in a lot of ways

because it kind of ruins relationships? Completely ruins relationships. Because how do you feel about when you're in a relationship with someone, do you think it's disrespectful to start following a bunch of girls or to like other girls' pictures? What are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I think if I'm like, it depends. Like, is it a girl and like her dog or is it like the girl's ass?

you know like it depends what am i liking if i'm looking at instagram and it's like i'm just liking a bunch of girls with their asses out yeah that's probably that's that's disrespectful yum would love to eat that yeah like clearly that's like i mean it's like that's the thing with instagram and like it's just it's basically a dating platform it's like you you're liking and like it's like these weird little like touches that someone can see like me for example like check mark millions of followers i start liking girl stuff like they're probably going it's going to pop up but they're going to see it And vice versa. Let's say your girl is getting likes from people like that who have like a bunch of followers.

It's going to pop up in their like notification thing now because like they'll show you like certain accounts. A lot of girls just check that shit. A lot of girls just check it. A lot of girls just check it. Like they'll just see who's liking their stuff or see who's engaging with their story. And so there's this constant like there's just constant touches that like yeah, I think if I'm liking a bunch of girls ass photos, this girl chances of her like maybe following me back. or follow me in general it's higher or if i if i if i if i'm going to dm or the chances of her answer my dm is probably higher if i liked a bunch of photos over the course of a month so

yeah it's like you're like you're not cheating but you're like you're like throwing out the the feelers like depending obviously it's different for others other people who don't have like millions of followers or like blue checks or the whatever big accounts but i think if i'm seeing if i'm thinking if i'm just a normal person as well yeah if i'm liking just a bunch of girls ass photos like and like I'm in a committed relationship why might do it because that's that might just make that person uncomfortable yeah I guess it all stems to boundaries but I think a lot of times with that because I have those moments where if I check and then I see something I don't like it doesn't feel good but then I also start to think about the fact that it's so it does if I'm really thinking

of a different perspective it almost does feel like an invasion of privacy because it kind of reminds me of if you're in the street and you check out someone now that checking out someone is a if you just randomly like the picture and then other people are like, wait, why are you doing that? And then I'm just, I feel like I'm just trying to control someone. So I almost feel that if we had good communication, it's all about communication and boundaries and respecting each other because I can't, I don't want to, that's where it kind of bothered. The lines of blurry because a part of me, of course, I'm like, just leave your Instagram. And the other part of me is like, I want that person to feel free because how romantic is it if someone

chooses you every single day instead of you forcing them to choose you of course of course but at the same time like if we like from a from a male perspective I'm thinking like respect let's say I have a girl I don't have a bunch of followers she doesn't have a bunch of followers let's say we have 15 friends right or 20 friends some girls some guys and let's say like every time these guys that they got their shirts off and she likes all these photos and it's I'm not not a famous influencer none of this shit right and like or vice versa I like all these girls whenever they post their asses out it's like even in that like micro spear you're gonna be like wait why like you're kind of it's like a little bit of it's just a respect thing right then how do you want a

girl to bring that up to you does she just say why are you liking these pictures or it's like it's the you should just know better so she shouldn't say anything but no i think i think you just say like hey what's your intention behind this why are you doing this but if what if you're like why you're like these fucking photos it's like well hold on bitch so what if a guy says oh it's just my friend okay Okay, like I said, if you if you saw it like if you can look on Instagram and go to like like like photos and if like every like you like every photo like you like every photo of her with her ass out and none of the photos when she's like with her mom it's like that's not your friend you like her ass like just call it what it is. Like it is what it is. Like you're not just being like like like it depends on the photo right. Like if it's just a photo it's a picture and 90% of that frame is like the chick's ass in a bikini and every time she posts that I like that. So you but so. But you're saying that if you're taking the person seriously, then you're okay with stop liking it. Yeah, I'm okay with having that conversation.

This makes me uncomfortable. I have that conversation. Like if I felt like someone was like, you, I'm looking at you every second of the day. You can't do anything. Don't do this. It's like, okay, it's a little crazy because like part of my business,

obviously in my life is like, you know, like I'd have to DM someone like you. Come to a podcast. I have to like involve people to do content with at the gym. Like there's certain boundaries that like I can't just like completely knock down. But like at the same time. Like I said, this is not just any photo.

Like if it's a girl and she's like with her dog or something, like it's like, oh, like the photo, right? Yeah. But if it's like, you know, nine times out of ten, it's something that's overtly sexual and you're just constantly engaging with that specifically, then it's like, you know. Yeah. At what point do you stop liking those pictures then out of respect? If she says like, hey, this kind of makes me a little uncomfortable. And I'd say why? What about it makes you uncomfortable?

Have the conversation. Oh, so you still ask? Yeah. What about makes you uncomfortable? She says wants to say what? Well, it's, um, I can see her pussy lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like maybe you shouldn't like that.

Oh, that's what it was. Oh my. Oh, I just won't like the pussy lip photos. No, no, honestly, I get it. It's like, it's just simple, right? Yeah. Because if a guy cares enough, I do think a guy would be like, all right, well, I don't want her to feel this way. Yeah.

There is some spectrum of like, if you try to police everything, the guy doesn't even like, hold the fuck on. But that's why I literally don't, I avoid trying to check those things because I don't want to find it because I don't want to know. because I don't want to know. But then when I have these conversations, it gets me thinking, like, oh, I wonder if I had just a regular conversation if instead of me just not knowing because I'm too scared. I think it's based of my just getting so used in the past with my ex-war enough for like

eight years, most of my 20s. Avoiding. Yeah. And the whole time, most of the whole time I genuinely didn't know he was cheating on me until the end. But now it's, I have such a fear that literally a guy could be next. to me and he pulls out his phone to get a text, my instinct is to look away because I just don't want to know anymore. Holy shit. It's like an actual instinct. That's trauma. Yeah. That's fucking trauma. But instead of

you got to fix that. But instead of dumping the trauma on my person because I'm like, they didn't do anything wrong. You just continue to dump it on yourself. Yeah. I'm like, I just rather take it. So then I just, I rather not know. So I won't check who they're following. I don't check who what they're liking because I'm like, I don't want to ruin. What if we have a potentially good relationship? And I'm going to ruin it based on like little things like that. I mean, there is a level to it, right? Like it had to be like you felt uncomfortable in other spaces or like other situations that then would be more magnified to you where you felt like you'd want to talk about it if you already had kind of noticed it. So like I said, you can't you can't police everything all the time. But like if you had other means to feel like this makes me uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable. And then you also see that. You're like, wait, this is like kind of just feeling weird. I should talk about it. Yeah. You know? I guess I like that. Yeah.

So talking will help and then that's how you set your boundaries. Yeah. It's like, if you see three things and you're like, wait, this is making me uncomfortable, maybe you should bring it up, you know? It's like. But when is the right time? Like how long have you guys been dating or do you guys have a title that it's uncomfortable? I think, I know three dates and you're like, who the fuck are these seven girls you just follow?

Like, when do you can you start talking about these things? I don't know. I think, I think it's something you got to, you got to read the room. But I think like if you say, hey, like, if you have a conversation and you're saying, like I want to like take this serious because because the reality is like I've realizing in certain situations where I've made the mistake of not making it like known enough and then you can't expect someone to act a certain way how like you're just assuming oh because we're together and we're having sex and consistently seeing each other like I'm just assuming like this is

100% good right I've done that it's like you can't just assume because you don't know what else like how the other person is like assuming you right how you're showing up Until you go, okay, like, hey, this is what we're doing? Like, are we trying to be more exclusive? Are we trying to work towards this? Is this what we want? Then at that point, it's like, if you start to feel those things, maybe you kind of start bringing them up more, you know?

But like, if we were just fucking around and I was hitting you up and just seeing you a couple times a week at night, and then maybe like, if you started bringing that up to me, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, leave me the fuck alone. I think a lot of people also don't realize, though, they don't think about when am I seeing this person? How often?

Or when are they texting me? mean we don't they don't realize oh we only see each other at night so then yeah it can get insecure it's just communication like this like we're talking about it just comes down to being like whether it's guy or girl I think it's so important and like I said I fuck this up many times is at some point what do you really want like are you trying to waste each other's time or you're trying to actually do something there's just there's two answers there you're either trying to do that or and I say waste time like maybe you both want to waste each other's time and fuck and have fun whatever that's where you're at in your life fine yeah regardless I think having those

conversations at some point early on. Who should bring it up? The woman or the guy or it doesn't matter? Honestly, like, I don't think it matters. Like, because, because let's say, let's say us, for example, this is, this is theoretical, right? Let's say we're dating. Wait, we're not. Oh, fuck.

What? My God, shit. I didn't know if you want to tell that other guy yet. I was like, this is getting complicated. It was just like, I just wanted to, like, you, I realized like, just like, just like I wouldn't expect you to be like if I'm thinking is she going to ask me this and vice versa like you would have to come to that realization like a guy might feel like because of what he's learned or what how he's loved or how he showed up maybe he's like uncomfortable with being like hey

I want to be in a relationship with you maybe he just didn't know how to approach it right so like you can break the ice by being like not like you don't want to date someone for like a week and be like what are we okay number one let's say that yeah don't say the what are we thing getting a conversation with someone to be like where do you you see this going like what are you looking for in your life right now yeah like that should be a conversation when you first start dating someone yeah because then you'll yeah you'll know right away like if i sat down with someone on a date one of the first questions i would have is be like what is important to you in your life right now like i'm gonna ask that question period because

like if i'm gonna even have sex with someone i don't want to just be like stick my dick into anything not at this point when i was fucking 25 didn't care yeah right 26 didn't care i was a scumbag but it was bad but it was good then anyways the point is like I realize like I just you have to say what you feel and like if you meet someone you if you like you're really interested in them figure out where they're at as soon as you can you don't have to go hey I want to get married that's what we're doing right like that's crazy because you got to get to know someone but I do think it's important like what are you like what are you working on your life what are you most passionate about what do you what makes you happy like those things you'll get you'll learn enough about the person in that moment to then maybe start to develop more questions like well how do you see me fitting in there like like not like the very first day but you know get that first about them in their life and what they want like where they're going with their life what are they focused on what are they passionate about what are they working on like where are they going the next couple years and then two weeks three weeks maybe you spend a lot of time

you realize like oh wait we're vibing things are nice we see each other pretty often and if you want to say like how do you see me fit into your life why not well like just why not no I love all that and that's so great how mature you are about it I yeah you're going to get an answer right this is how I know sometimes where I'm like oh yeah I've worked on my intimacy issues and then I hear conversations like that and I just like you literally talk about I'm like okay run and I'm like okay we're not having this commitment conversation and we're just on a podcast it's not about commitment you know yeah no but usually when i date guys they're oh they're the ones so bring up all those very important points which you know definitely makes me feel a little deficient the area where

i'm so good of research and i'm i researched so much i give all the points of research on my podcast i'm so good at it but then when it comes to my feelings i definitely struggle with that because those are things i avoid because usually when i date especially after my ex i've just enjoy dating where it's surface level things and i don't really think about where it's going or anything like that i just like you for now and i'm also not i'm not sleeping around with anyone like i literally would just not even have sex with anyone but it's just me getting taking out on dates and just the beginning stuff and then conversations like that or like i remember i was one time i was dating this guy and we're just sort of second date and he suddenly goes um well

i don't think i ever want to have kids do you want to have kids and i remember i got so mad at him and it was last year and i go i'm like why would you bring that up are you serious right i'm like why can we just have fun like i'm like we were literally just enjoying each other's company and you brought up something so serious why do we have to he goes well i mean aren't we both in our 30s like shouldn't we talk about the i'm like it's our second date i don't want to think about that i was like well i yeah i want kids and now you just ruined this like fun moment and then when in reality hello intimacy issues red flag on my end of course i get that now but uh yeah i mean these are all conversations that make me uncomfortable but i think

the tough conversations based on my research the tough conversations are the best conversations that you need to have in relationship. I think it's all how you have them. But then don't you kind of just vibe with anyone you date for a couple of weeks? That's what confuses me. Like you date someone. It's been a couple of weeks and you're like, whoa, we're really vibing. But doesn't everyone vibe in the first couple of weeks because you're showing your best

size to yourself? So then it makes me feel like do I actually like this person or is just the beginning of dating? And that's what it's so great. No, because like when I think about it, I'm looking back like I mean just being really candid like there's been times you meet someone I'll sleep with someone and I'll be like eh I don't want to keep doing this okay and I'll know right away oh really I'll know right away or I'll be like I'll do it and I'll do it a few times and be like okay I'm good like just based on maybe it's me because I'm hyper like analytical and like based on a few conversations I'm like

yeah don't like there's nothing there yeah you know like you could have enough conversation to be like okay not that this person is dumb or stupid or anything but like we're just not we're not matching when it comes to like conversation or things that are important like just in like general things that yeah like we're driving in a car going to eat somewhere and just having basic conversation or the things that they're talking about I'm just kind of like I don't really care to I don't really want to go further like I'll make that decision quickly so now now I'll like I'll try to give it more time but the reality is like I think you just know that really quickly I don't know if you're just like but that then that part I always question

myself if I really get along with someone I think me that's me self-sabotaging or I'm like but should I tell them that I really like them or because I don't like to make a mistake so I get really scared what if I get scared to hurt anyone so then I'm like okay what if today I feel this way but then tomorrow I won't like them because I didn't realize that it wasn't real and I now I already told them I like them so then I hold everything in and then the other person there's no idea how I feel I did that I've done that a lot yeah now I'm working on being more expressive where yeah I mean it's just literally saying like it's it's asking yourself the question like what do I feel like what do I

really like and not just like what do I feel like here in my head yeah what I feel in my heart because like these two things will lie to each other like this shit will like will just tell you especially you knowing what I know about you just based on this conversation the rationality like yeah the masculine thought it doesn't always like you're you're you're not connected with like the feminine the feminine is more like emotion right yeah so if I'm just super masculine in my thought and I'm not like listening to also my heart and like that kind of like that feminine line. I'm just like I'm making just like really rational decisions which can be really beneficial for like business and like transactional shit. But when it comes to like getting to know

someone, you have to have a bit of that feminine tendency to like be able to be willing to listen and to learn and to understand like even us sitting here having this conversation and trying to like get to know you and like understand this is like I have to listen to what you're saying and not just listen but try to really understand it like and then so that's the difference when you have conversations with people about like where are you at what do you want like it can't just be like what are we like it has you like I said you start the conversation about like what are you like because you because if you started dating someone wouldn't the first conversation you be with someone start to be like what do you like to do for fun and like what do you what do you do with your life

what you do for work and you you under you get to know them right all those things are just more it's it's more of you trying to understand and not just like think about something yeah so so the reality is like that's that's how you find that balance and it and you're able to be more comfortable with just like being in that space of like you're just getting to know someone as genuine as possible and it's not about like making it something or having to be something like but then also being honest with yourself like I was saying earlier about me like knowing pretty quickly like does this does this the direction you want to go in guys really do kind of know fast Yeah. Research shows. Yeah. I think they do. I think you know you know pretty quickly. Yeah. I think once you have enough conversation and have sex once or twice. Oh, sex is also important to know. So important. Really? So I think I think everyone holds that to a different degree of like how of how important it is. But for the most part, Jacob, you can chime in on this one if you want. But I think you could you could probably have sex with a girl and know pretty quickly.

like is like is this what i want or not pretty fast yeah pretty quickly not that it can't get better not that it can't grow like some of this first time sex is a little awkward at times now yeah yeah could be for sure for definitely yeah but at the same time like i feel like you just know like jacob like am i right or wrong on it like yeah so this i'm gonna tell you i didn't want to say it that way, but he said it that way. I'm just kidding. Listen, everyone is obviously built differently, right? And everyone is compatible differently, male, female, whatever, right? So you're talking about just how your penis is compatible with a vagina? Obviously, there's way more to that, right? But on face value, if a guy tells you differently, he's lying to you.

I'm telling you this right now. A guy will have sex with a girl and no immediate, not if it's going to work out forever, but a guy will have sex with a girl and know right away, be like, if I really like this or not right away okay but are you talking about the technique when you're having sex the techniques are literally the compatibility of your penis with a vagina how it feels straight up okay that kind of makes sense maybe I just blew the guys fucking no it makes sense because my guy made a comment about which I feel like I don't want to call him out that but he made some comment like about liking mine i forgot i don't want to say you're talking about this guy yeah he was like he was like yes no but he talked about something like similar similar to what

you're saying and i could not understand yeah so the vaginas can have different textures and the compatibility and blah blah and i was like grip what the grip yeah i thought they just guys are like sex to sex and also maybe they were just kind of judgmental the way it looks and then when he explained to me he was talking about like literally the texture I don't know I like this guy he's smart you had a texture yeah summer a little bit like he knew he like I guess knew my our privates were compatible before we even slept together yeah yeah so so there is this is a it is a real thing like obviously sex gets better with intimacy I'm not saying that's not true that it's 100% true but I'm telling you face value like

I know this for a fact because I've talked to so many guys in my life. Like, you know, like bro talk. Yeah, yeah. Guys know right away. You know the first time. Okay. So it's not the way you guys are having sex with each other. It's literally, but it makes sense because one of my exes, I constantly got yeast infections when we would have sex.

And it was literally my body telling me, me and this guy are not compatible because I was always getting yeast infections from having sex with him. Or he was just having sex with a bunch of other people. No, that guy was definitely not having sex with that. Okay. Okay. it's definitely not that guy not that one okay um but he just had some dirt on his shit that it just wasn't exactly but my body was all like you're as women at least it's the same thing i think we know our bodies are always telling us

including our vagina so my vagina was rejecting his penis and his penis fluids and odor and it was always telling me by me constantly needing to have like me getting yeast infections from him so i guess it could be that really makes sense uh that's that's really interesting no idea that all these other things I thought it was just the way of vagina looks apparently no no no the way it fits the texture the flute look and here's the thing like for girls if they're watching this like don't get caught up in this because like it's like you don't change this this just and that's the thing it just is what it is like it's not like you fix this so you can do something maybe you can be more hydrated I don't know drink more water but like there's no changing this like dynamic it's just like and

I don't want to scare everyone but like yeah at the same time too like obviously you can get better with time like if you're like a great person doesn't mean like oh your pussy's just bad I'm like peace I'm out you know but like because obviously people hold all that to different standards like some people it's really high on it like when I was younger that's I if that wasn't there I was like peace I'm never talking to you again right I'm just be honest and then as I got older it's like I don't think I don't think as much about like the importance isn't number one number one right right but I do I do know for a fact I've had so many conversations with men it's like yeah you know right away whether you're like this is this is fucking this is it or this is not it. That's crazy. It is crazy. But I feel like isn't that the same way for girls though? Like there has to be some like relationship to that where it's like, yeah, you either know that you like this or you don't like this or whatever. I feel like you do, right?

I feel like I haven't slept with enough people and to know this answer. Everyone I've slept with, I've dated. So in the past when I was younger, I'm like, oh, we had sex. I'm my boyfriend. When I was younger, that would be my thing. so um i don't know i don't think i have the answer it feels that except that one guy that was getting yeast infections from him that i still stayed with for a year and a half i genuinely don't think i've noticed i mean i do know my brain some whoever who i've enjoyed sex with

more than someone else but i think how to do with intimacy for me yeah then how their penis fit in my vagina got i got got got yeah for men it's probably just a little bit more physical straight up 100% I completely get that and want to that's so funny though that's really interesting well I like you had that conversation with that guy though that's cool he's on to some shit I guess sounds like a smart guy I want to meet him now said that comment I mean and I also like how fucking honesty was with you about it well I really like honesty I mean I don't I don't like I like understand like I said I'm a curious person so I genuinely like understanding things I don't it's not if someone tells me something I think that would be really evil if then I held it again. against them. Yeah, of course. So it's more, he tells me, like, how else are we supposed to get to know each other if not say things to each other? Yeah, I just imagine this. Like, you guys just had sex and he was like, no, it was before. You told me about all that stuff before. Oh, so just okay, yeah, the thing. We're not going to say that again. Okay, I got it. Wow. He's like, I just know. And did he, did he, did he after the fact? Was he like, yes? When I told him there was no

connection after we had sex. No, he, he didn't have a chance to tell me that part. Yeah, he was busy thinking about what i just said no connection just chick hates me without realizing yeah that was silly um okay cool what were we talking about before the sex thing i forgot i forgot i forgot i forgot i forgot um wait before we end this because what time is it yeah yeah no you're good easy to talk to you thank you oh shit it's 630 all right so maybe you should start wrapping this up yeah let's wrap it to do an to do it yeah let's do it um okay no yeah you crushed it yeah you crushed it i was just in it i just i don't really think about all that stuff um well that was great i appreciate you coming on i so you don't have guests on your show just no i do sometimes i'm definitely going to consider to be a guess like i said

every month it's a different i have a tan right now so it's like oh okay he's like so you do you have guests on ever or i mean you could have me on the show i might i don't know if i'll fit in the well no every month i have a new topic so it just i know definitely july i'm not planning having guests because it's about parent issues so i may have a psychiatrist on psychologist on um but no i'm definitely down uh i think in august i have to check what that is if that's a more easy subject if it's like dating again or something else no for sure have you on i'm an expert pussy expert okay i'm just kidding not um but i appreciate you coming on for real no thank you so much for having me i enjoyed this talk uh hope i didn't over talk no never

but no this was really great and um i know you have mostly made i'm i know you have mostly followers but if you guys are looking to follow a meme account it's daddy issues underscore yeah my personal instagram is viola benson and my podcast if you want to learn more about women or mental health it's almost adulting how long you've been doing that before by the way uh i think now this year would be close to three years oh nice before that was called too tired to be crazy and then last year i changed the name to almost adulting yeah i like it it's a good name really good name super relevant to like everyone yeah he's like we're all just figuring this shit out exactly it's really good yeah but i Appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much. Yeah, subscribe. We're on iTunes, podcast, Spotify, everything. YouTube, drop a like, drop a comment. I love you guys. Let's get out of here. Bye.