REAL AF with Andy Frisella - 261. Q&AF: #CoupleGoals, Redirecting Culture & #75HARD Test Days

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

In today's episode, Andy answers your questions on why self-improvement is a critical component of a successful relationship, what steps you can take to redirect culture problems you have in your company, and how you can overcome the hard test days while on #75HARD.

What is up guys, it's Andy Frisella and this is the show for the realest say goodbye to the lies, the fakeness, and delusions of modern society and welcome to motherfucking reality guys today we have q and af this is where you ask stuff and i answer stuff isn't that right that's you know what we do here pretty much yeah i think that's what we do here this place um make people better yeah so these questions if you're new to the show this is the q and af show segment of the show it's kind kind of like, I don't know, we're becoming a network where we have different shows on different days and shit. Yeah. RAF, baby. That's the network.

Yeah. So today you're going to ask the Qs and I'm going to give the AFs, which means I'm going to take your questions and I'm going to give you the real answer, not the fucking bullshit answer that you get everywhere else. Other days you might tune in and hear cruise the internet. And this is where people that do dumb shit in the real world get made fun of by people smarter than them. Then we have real talk. All right. And real talk is where I get on and I yell at you and you get better because of it. Okay. And then we have a full length, which is like interview. And we find out how other people became awesome and the ways that you want to be awesome. That's pretty basic understanding of what we do here. So you're going to probably laugh at a whole bunch of shit and then you're probably going to get smarter too. So we have a fee for that,

right? It's not free. I'm not going to come to your house and tickle you and make you laugh. Maybe I will. But we ask that in exchange for all these giggles that you get from me, not DJ, that you share the show. Now, with that being said, what's going on? What's going on, brother? You go to Chicago this weekend? Did go to Chicago. How was it?

It was good. It was good. It was good. It was good. Nonetheless. Yeah. I'm back. Hi. Listen, I? It was good. It was good. It was, uh, it was good. It was good. Yep. Nonetheless. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm back. Hi. Listen, I'm back. Yeah. All right. So I guess hit me with the question. Yeah.

I got some good ones for you, man. As always. Um, and guys, don't forget if you want to email, uh, if you want to submit your questions,

right. And you would like to be heard. Um, please email them to ask andy and andy forsella.com and uh if they're good they'll be asked and answered andy question number one so in the past couple of episodes we you've been hitting on you know building man we just had jason on it was amazing uh episode as well but but building these, you know, the ideals of manhood essentially, right? And I've been loving that content. What's your outlook on building relationships with

couples? Like how should they, what things should they be focused on? What does a good couple or relationship look like? Dude, I think it comes down to very simple things. I think this is a very simple answer and it's something that people struggle with. I mentioned on the show many times over the years, but it's very simple. First off, I'm going to address it from the standpoint of becoming a couple and then also as a couple. I observe so many people out there that feel entitled to a certain type of partner that and and what they claim they want right we'll see these posts they say oh i'm looking for a man who's this this this this this or i'm looking for a woman who's this this this this this the three

sixes have you heard that the three sixes no i don't care so the the it's probably something stupid as well yeah all right so here, here's the thing. Every time I read those posts and then I look at the person posting it, they're always a piece of shit. Okay. So it's not that there's no good man or no good woman. It's that you're not good enough to attract that man or that woman that you want. All right. So in order to get the kind of person that you want, you have to become the kind of person that that person would want to be with. This is very basic. This is very basic. Nobody wants to understand this because they were told by their mom growing up.

All that matters is sunshine, flowers and rainbows and a bunch of other shit that doesn't really matter. What matters is, is that you have built yourself into a desirable partner. And that goes for both, both, both sexes. Okay. And it goes, whatever, whatever, whether you're gay or whatever you like, bro, you're, if you want that greatness of a partner, you are going to have to become that greatness. That's just reality. Okay. So instead of complaining about, you know, how you can't meet anybody or you can't find any good people or this or that or this, maybe the reason is you're not building yourself into the person that that kind of person would like. And I'm willing to bet that that's probably the case. Okay.

So that's the first thing I would say. The second thing when it comes to building relationships is is uh it's really the same thing as the first thing okay um do what the fuck you expect your partner to do in the same situations and that's kind of how it should work yeah it's very simple dude um i'm not sure where they were asked what the perspective was and what they're looking for in that question did they give you more info? No, that's pretty much it. I mean,

just like building a relationship, like what, you know, okay, I work as a man, I should be this, this, and this.

Well, dude, like, like, dude, there's a lot of girl, like couple gurus out there, right?

For sure, bro. And they're all full of shit. There is no conventional way. By the way, you ever, you ever notice the people who give that advice as a couple always end up breaking up every fucking time. Okay. They, they make their whole product about oh we're this happy couple and

then they break perfect we're happy and that's that's the lie that's the lie because none of y'all have figured out right i don't have it figured out you don't have it figured out i don't know what it is to mean a perfect man i'm not a perfect man but i show up every day trying to be fucking better and i think at the end of the, the key to a healthy relationship is that showing up every day, trying to be the best that you can fucking be and help the other person be the best that they can be. And if you do those things with respect and you have respect for each other, that's how a relationship is fundamentally, you know, built. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And, and, you know, I think a lot of people fuck up their whole lives because, you know what i'm saying and and you know i think a lot of people fuck up their whole lives because you know

they don't think of it with any logic at all they think total emotion right yeah they think like oh uh i'm attracted this person or this or that or this and they don't consider all the other aspects like you got to live with this person your whole life like you got to fucking be able to communicate you got to be able to, you probably need to think they're kind of funny. Right. Right.

There's, there's all kinds of things that you need values. Yeah. That go beyond just like what we see surface level every day on our phones. Right. And you know, a lot of people get sucked into that and end up ruining a big part of their life. You know?

And by the way, a lot of people ruin their lives because they, they've been with someone for so long that they think they have to progress the relationship to that next level right and that's not necessarily the case things aren't going well now just because you've been with someone for x amount of time doesn't mean you take it to the next level like there's just no logic and no real strategic thinking or planning that goes on in these, in these, it's all frou-frou, feel good, fluffy bullshit.

Yeah. And what, what relationship gurus out there do you actually hear saying, hey, maybe the problem is you. Maybe the problem is you just need to be great. Maybe the problem is you need to be better. You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, you got to be self selfish to be selfless. That's what people don't get. And dude, there's so many problems. I'm not a relationship expert, bro, but like I can observe so like

so many people attach their value to their whole entire value to their relationship or somebody's approval or, I mean, bro, there's no real guide to it. You know, and there's, like Jason said, when he was on the show, there's no conventional way to be a man and there's no conventional way to be in a relationship. But if you want a healthy relationship where you're not fighting and you're not arguing and it's not constantly walking on eggshells and all that. Cause I've been in ones like that and they suck. Um, you need to become great and good and possess moral standard and quality and all of these things in yourself. And you will attract someone similarly. Like if you're not about the drama, um, and you're successful and you handle your shit and you're a standalone person and you've got all your stuff together and you're not about the drama you'll attract someone who also has their own shit

together it ain't about the drama right right a lot of people just think that i mean dude the idea of relationships and marriage is so fucking warped that a lot of people believe that it's normal to fight like cats and dogs all the time right and. And that's how I love you. And this and that, bro, the truth is 99% of people get into relationships way too early. They get married without the right perspective. That's why the divorce rate is so high. They haven't even figured out themselves yet. They haven't even built themselves in anything yet.

And, you know, it ends up biting them in the ass. And that's what happens. So if you're a young person listening to this, and you're, let's just say, physically 20 years old, and you think you need to hurry up and find a wife or a husband and this and that and this, or let's say you're 40 years old, and you need to hurry up and find a wife or a husband or this, I can tell you how it's going to end badly. It's going to end badly if If you're living less than what you could be personally, if you are not as good as you could be personally, you're going to attract someone that's less than what you could attract if you were living to that

level. So, I mean, dude, it's, it's a fucking nightmare out there. Like, like dude, Instagram, social media, geopolitical politics, beliefs, uh, division. there's so many things that that are just like they're they're like i would hate to be dating right now you know what i'm saying yeah like for the first question are you vaccinated no or like you go on a date and a fucking chick shows up wearing a fucking mask right right or you show up on a date and the chick got a dick. Yeah. And then if you don't like it, you're a bigot. You're a bigot if you don't like it. I digress. I'm sorry.

No, dude. It's the truth. It's the truth. I just saw a video from the National Championship swim team where there was another trans man trying to use the women's bathroom and the women blocked him from using it. Good for her. Good for her. Grown men shouldn't be in the women's called her a dog too by the way i saw that call your dog off yeah yeah a fucking dude in a wig calling a young woman a dog an actual woman the fuck out of here crazy all right andy question number two how do you correct or redirect a negative culture or just like a tension inside of any of your companies if that happens?

You get refocused on what you're there to do. OK, most of the time you're going to have negative vibes or negative culture. It's because you have gotten off track from what the actual mission is. All right. If your actual mission and your actual intent is not to improve the lives of your employees and improve the lives of your customers, you are eventually going to lose. Okay. And what I found is that when people start to focus on themselves, they start to focus on the inter,

inter office politics. You know, they start worrying about other things, how much money we're making, how much this, how much that, how much this, how much that, what about this, what about so-and-so, oh, that's unfair, that's this, this, this, this, this. And they don't keep their focus right on the job at hand or what's supposed to be done. That's where it makes room for all of the negativity. So what I think the best option is to revamp a culture that might be in that mindset is sort of a couple-step process. One, identify the actual reason that you're having the culture issues.

A lot of times it's one person who has become disenfranchised with the culture who's secretly behind your back spreading uh you know cancerous cancerous culture right and there's only one way to get rid of cancer bro and it's to cut it out so first off figure out who's causing it and what what's going about uh have a conversation with them see if they have a legitimate gripe and if they do have a conversation with them, see if they have a legitimate gripe. And if they do have a legitimate gripe that you can fix, um, feel free to fix it, but also make it clear that next time for them to bring it to you directly. Uh, one thing I don't tolerate in any of my companies is gossip. And if I find out from someone else that you have a problem or that you've been spreading the problem and you didn't come to me with the problem, we're going to have a problem, right? Because I don't care if you come to me, you come to me and say, Hey, fuck you. I fucking don't like the way you do shit. All right, let's talk about it. But

when you go around to 10 other people and cause a big headache for me, you can guarantee I'm going to cause a big headache back. Yeah. Right. And that's the way you got to do it. So, um, so that's the first step. The second step is if there is no cancer, which happens sometimes, it's usually a matter of people just getting off course. You've been doing the same thing for too long. Um, you might need to get the team together and do something that's fun. You might need to get the team together. And I'm not talking about, Ooh, it's Kathy's birthday in the kitchen. Let's go see you. Happy birthday. I'm talking about actual fun. I'm talking about getting out, getting loose, having a good time. Um, not forced fake corporate fun. Okay. Uh, that can help having a meeting, uh, stop it. You know, like there's been a couple of times in the history of the company where I've closed the business down for an entire day for retraining. Yeah, of course. I mean, and it cost me a lot of money to close business for a day, but they know it cost me a lot of money and they know I'm taking it serious. So it helps get people

redirected. Okay. There's all kinds of ways to redirect culture, but in all honesty, the feeling that you probably have of, you know, oh, there's something wrong is probably something that could easily be addressed by you just getting everybody refocused on what the actual mission of work is, right? We're here to make our lives of our customers better, to make the lives of our employees better. And when we get off track from doing that, things get more complicated, right? And when we do that to the best of our ability, everything else kind of works itself out. You like even competitors, like how do you, how do you beat a competitor that doesn't give a fuck about you and only cares about producing the best result for the customer? It's really hard to be someone like that. Right. A lot of

people in our industry, whatever industry my company is in, um, they, they look at me and they look at what we do and they try to copy everything we do. And I like that because it makes me understand that they're not focusing on what they need to do. And every minute that they do that to me and try to copy what I'm doing, that's putting them back years, years, because what they see I'm doing is a result of what I talked about two years ago internally. Right. You see what I'm saying? The bound ball. Yeah. And so, you know, there's benefits to just staying focused.

And if you stay focused and you keep your team focused, they'll be happy. They'll feel like they're contributing. They'll feel like their job matters. You got to pay them well. Okay. Everybody's got to fucking eat. Um, but at the end of the day, man, usually most of these times that, that what they're describing, I understand what they're describing and it comes from just lack of focus on what we do.

Yeah. So, and, and it's something that never goes away. And that's another thing. Like that's a whole nother topic. Like a lot of CEOs or business owners or even managers are like, man, when does it stop? When does it stop? When do I finally get everything in it? And it works perfectly in this and that that's the biggest myth of business. There is no, there is no time that that ever happens. Nothing ever works perfectly. You have to handle everything that comes up day by day, by day, by day, as it comes up. Um, and the cool thing is, is as you get more experience at handling these problems, they become easier to deal with because you already know because you've dealt with them before. Right. You know, but when you don't deal with them, you never learn the skills that you need to deal with them, which creates tons of anxiety, tons of stress, tons of frustration, and tons of

bad culture. Because it comes from you. It comes from the leader. If you're walking in your office every day full of anxiety, thinking that everybody's out to get you, guess what? They're going to get out to get you because they're going to feel that you're out to get them because that's the vibe you're putting fuck out. So communicate. Tell the truth. Get people focused on what we're here to do. That's what we do. And if you do that, culture will take care of itself. Yeah, love it. andy our third and final question for you uh 75 r you talk about test days quite a bit right what was one of the worst test days that you can think of off the top of your head um how did this serve you how did you handle it well look dude um there's tons of, of whether you're aware of test days concept or not, you're always going to have days no matter where you are in life that are hard. Like you're always going to

have days. And in fact, most of the days are not going to go the way you planned them out to go. That's just reality. So to say what my hardest test day was, I don't fucking know. Like clearly I've overcome a whole bunch of them. Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. So I could talk about a test day I had just two days ago. Cause I can remember that one. Um, I'm in the middle of 75 hard. I don't even know what day I'm on right now. Uh, cause I don't count. I focus on fucking winning the day. That's my focus. I don't, how many times do I have to ask you what day it is for real yeah a lot almost every day i don't even know what day it is because i'm so focused on winning my day yeah right so uh the other night man uh i was fucking starving like starving bro and all i wanted was a pizza from emos oh yeah which emos is our local pizza

place here which i fucking love um with jalapenos and sausage and pepperoni and bacon that's what i wanted i fucking wanted it bad bro sound pretty good yeah it did sound good and you know what i did i didn't eat it i told myself i said you what? You haven't had a hard test in a while. And bro, when I'm saying like, I wanted it, like I had already, I had told Emily, fuck it. Go ahead and order that. Yeah. And I'll fucking do, I was trying, you know, I'll deal with it later.

Yeah. And then I stopped cardio tomorrow. And then I stopped myself and I said, no motherfucker, you're being a total bitch. I said, eat a fucking meal that you're supposed to eat and you will feel better. And so I heard my boss voice like click in and say, no, dude, you're being a total bitch. You're lying to people. You're going to fail again. You've already failed twice this year because of the injury thing. And, and bro, you know what? I didn't, I ate a meal. I got done with the meal.

I looked at Emily and I said, man, I'm fucking glad I didn't order that fucking pizza. Okay. And that's a test day. I won that day. And then yesterday, guess what? So that was Saturday. Yesterday was Sunday. Yesterday. Um, I started feeling like I didn't want to get my shit done. And I was able to recall back just 12 hours ago and be like, no, dude, look what you just did. You just passed up on that thing. Now you're talking about this. It's a constant internal test, bro, all the time. And no matter how strong you get, it's going to always be that way. So you could develop these skills of grit, discipline, perseverance, fortitude, all of these things that we talk about, the mental toughness aspect of 75 hard, live hard. If you think that you're going to get to a point, it

goes back to the question I just answered previously. It never gets to the point where you have to, you get to take it easy. That's the whole point. Okay. People think there's this rest point or this reprogram like, bro, that's why 75 hard is not the fucking end all be all like, like when people try to hate on it and they're like, Oh, it's fucking, Oh, it's a year long program. Dumb fucks. Okay. It's it's, it works. It teaches people completely new habits, no matter how unsustainable you think it is. Cause you read somebody's bullshit post on it. Read a book, listen to the podcast, understand the program. Okay. This is about fine tuning the skills multiple times across the year so that you have them all the time. Now, does that mean you're going to have them at peak level all the time? No, we talk about this all the time. There's, there's, there's deposits and there's withdrawals. Okay. And if you put, when I passed up on that pizza the other day, that was a deposit into all of those skills. So then the next day when I was still struggling with some other, I forgot what it was. It was like, I didn't want to do the

cardio or something, or I was about to bitch out on half the cardio. I was able to look back and make a withdrawal and be like, dude, no, you just passed that hard ass test yesterday. That was way fucking harder than what this is. And guess what? I didn't bitch out and I followed through and I got my shit done. And that's the sort of dialogue of how it all links together inside of your head. So test days are extremely important.

One, because they are the days that you find out if your goals are really your goals or if you're just full of fucking shit. Okay. And they're also the days that you take that would have been a massive loss and you turn them into a massive win. When you can replace the days that you have a massive loss with a massive win, that's not just a swing of one day. That's the swing of like two days. Cause instead of having one loss and one win, now you got two wins. Does that make sense? Yeah. Now you're building them. Yes. It's it's there's, there's way more to it than what people actually think about. Okay. So think of all the times, bro, that you didn't want to work out or

you didn't want to eat healthy. What if you had a way every single fucking time to, to make yourself do the thing that you know you needed to do when you didn't want to do it? How much different would your fucking life look every time you wanted to eat shitty, every time you wanted to skip a workout, every time you wanted to blow off your reading, every one of those times. Now, instead of blowing it off, like 98%, 99% of humans do their whole life. Oh, dude, I'll get it next time. I'll get it next time. I'll get it next time. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, next week, next week, next week. After the wedding, after the wedding, after the holidays, after... Bro, it's a constant fucking bullshit story. This is why people are miserable. So think if you took every one of those excuses for the last 1000 days, bro, and instead of making the wrong decisions, you had made the right decisions.

What would your life look like now? That's how I think about it. Does that make sense? Fucking clarity, bro. Yeah. So, so. So you're sitting there thinking, why me? Why me? Why me? Well, I'll tell you why. Because every fucking time it gets hard, you do the thing that you give in. You eat the shit. You skip the workout.

You skip the reading. You skip the shit. And it creates a double effect where not only are you not getting better, you're getting worse. But you are in the control to flip those times. You can flip those times by just being aware of your voice so that every time your little bitch voice, which we all have is inside of our head says, Hey, skip that or tomorrow or after the new year or after this or after that, and starts bullshitting us on these excuses. We're able to squash that down and replace it

with a positive action in the right direction. You cannot tell me, not a single one of you motherfuckers listening to this show can tell me that your life wouldn't be exactly where the fuck you want it to be had you done this for the last three or four years. Period. And if you tell me that you're a fucking liar. So that's what it comes down to, dude. It comes down to all these tests that you are not passing right now. And if you start passing them, your life will look different. Go listen to my test day show. Go listen to a thousand day show. Go listen to that shit. It'll change your whole life. Before real AF, you'll find 300 and what?

20, 18, 20 episodes. Some, anyway, a whole bunch of motherfucking episodes called the MSCO project. Number one, entrepreneur podcast that ever fucking existed in the history of time.

Okay. Go back 48, go back and listen to that episode. What holes are in my game? You see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Because every time I want to fucking quit, every time I want to fuck off,

every time I want to be that bitch I used to be, I'm not only not giving in to that, I'm doing something productive in the right way. These are the pivot points I talk about, right? You get home from work and you're like, fuck, I'm so fucking tired, dude. It was so busy. It was Monday. It was fucking, I got fucking slammed. Fuck. I still got my workout. The minute you think that your ass should be off the couch, putting your fucking shoes on, going to the workout. Because if you can get that discipline, bro, you can legitimately

not just change the entire trajectory of your existence, but every motherfucker that comes in contact with you from here until the end of motherfucking time. That's fucking, I love it, bro. I love it, guys. That is fucking three. Go pay the fee. Yeah. All right. Love you guys. I appreciate you guys. Go get better. Stop being a pussy.