REAL AF with Andy Frisella - 496. 5 Steps To Overcoming Rejection & Hardships

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

In today's episode, Andy talks about a personal conversation he had with a young man going through a breakup, the vices an individual should avoid when going through a similar situation, and the five critical steps an individual should take to overcome the feeling of rejection.

What is up guys, it's Andy Purcell and this is the show for the realest sake of body to lies, the fakeness and delusionsusions of modern society. And welcome to motherfucking reality. Guys, today I have a special real talk I want to give you. It's probably gonna take 10 minutes or so, but before I get into it, for those of you that are new, this is a personal development podcast. We do have a number of different segments inside the podcast. It's kind of shows within the show. Today, you're going to hear real talk. It's just five to 20 minutes of me giving you some real talk that I think is relevant. Other times when you tune in, we have Q&AF. That is a question and answer show. You can submit your questions a couple of different ways. One, you can email them to askandy at andyfercella.com,

or we are on YouTube. If you drop the comment in the Q&A episode, and as a question, we will pick some from there as well. Other times you tune in, we have CTI. That stands for Cruise the Internet. That's where we put up topics on the screen. We talk about what's going on in the world. We have a little fun. We make some jokes.

We speculate on what's going on. We talk about how we can all be a solution to make the world a better place. And then other times we have full length. Full length is what you see on most podcasts. It's where a bunch of people sit in a room and have a conversation. And then we have real talk,

which is what you're going to hear today. It's been a while since I've done some real talk, but I'm excited about this one. I think a lot of you guys are going to get some benefit out of it. We do have something on the show we call the fee. The fee means if you like the show, if it made you laugh, if it made you laugh,

it made you think, if it gave you some new, you know, information, if you learned something, if you thought it wasn't a waste of your time, we ask that you please share the show. Now, I'm going to get into this real quick, okay? I'm going to tell a little story. So, a couple nights ago, I got a DM from a young man who was very distraught and very upset. I don't normally check my DMs. Normally, my team is kind of running my page and I get in there sometimes to talk with my friends and stuff like that. And sometimes I get these little notes that I see. And this was one I couldn't ignore. And this young man was struggling because he was going through a breakup. And he was talking to me about how hard it was. And he wanted

to ask me how to get through these difficult situations. And it really touched me because I haven't had to deal with those things in a long time, but I could totally relate to how hard they can be to get through. And I thought that this would be a good real talk topic for us to talk about here, about how to move through these difficult situations that happened to us in terms of going through a breakup situation. Now, let me tell you something, guys. I don't care who you are. I don't care how cool you are. I don't care how rich you are. I don't care what kind of cool stuff you got going for you. You're going to have to deal with this situation. There's going to be times in your life that we are rejected. We are told by another human being that they no longer want us in their life. And that's a reality of going through life. It's going to happen over and over

and over again. You're going to have people break up with you. You're going to have people fire you. You're going to have friends that no longer want to be friends with you. You're going to have people unfollow you that you thought were your friend. All these situations create this feeling on the inside as if we're not good enough or there's something wrong with us. And let me tell you something, guys. I'm 43, okay? I've been through a number of these situations. I've been through a lot of breakups. I've been broken up with a lot. I've had a lot of people disagree with me on things. I'm an outspoken human being. There's gonna be people that disagree with me.

I have people decide because I say one or two things that they don't agree with, that we can't be friends. That's happened to me over and over and over again in life. And I want to address this situation because that feeling of rejection and that feeling of loneliness and that feeling of unworthiness is a very, very, very hard feeling to deal with. And so I was having this conversation with this young man and he was telling me how he turned to alcohol. And he said, it doesn't matter how much alcohol I have, it's still there. First piece of advice, when you're going through a situation that is personally disturbing to you, whether it be a breakup, whether it be a loss,

loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of something that mattered to you, loss of a pet maybe, could be a lot of different things. Turning to alcohol will only make those things worse. It will only make those things worse. Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you feel okay in the time, but the two to three days after the alcohol, you're going to be in a bad place. And so you have to understand that the first step of going through these traumatic situations is to avoid numbing the pain with alcohol. It only makes it worse. And then what happens, right? You end up getting too much alcohol. You start texting people. You start saying things. You make a fool of yourself.

Then you wake up the next day and you're like fuck why did I do that? And then it makes the situation worse. It compounds it right? It makes us feel like, you know We just made a fool of ourselves in front, you know And like bro, we live in this age of social media now where people will take those moments of of pain and hardship and vulnerability Uh and struggle and post them for the world to see, which only makes it worse and worse and worse. So my step number one on this is avoid alcohol. Okay. Now, step number two is hard. This is hard to do, but it's very important. When we go through a time of chaos and we go through a time of rejection, we go through a time of feeling like nobody cares about us and everybody hates us. The world is against us.

You have to remind yourself that this is just you telling yourself things that are absolutely untrue. Okay. The world doesn't hate you. The world doesn't, it's not the world. It's one situation that you are making into the world. And so this is a very hard thing for us to process and for us to convince ourselves of when the pain is so present. All right. But you have to work on internal dialogue of telling yourself the truth about the situation, the reality, okay? We're realists here. We're not idealists. The reality of a situation oftentimes is very hard, but oftentimes the reality of situation is not as bad as it seems. And we don't talk about enough of that on this show, okay? Most of the time we talk about being a realist in terms of accepting the hard truth about the

situations that we're in. However, when you accept the good truth of the situation that you're in, for example, somebody breaks up with you, you're going through a situation, your heart is broke, you're very upset. The real situation at hand is this. It's actually a blessing for you because it allows you to move forward freely to find someone who will love, value, support, and be with you for who you actually are, not who they wish you were, which is normally the reason people break up. Okay? So we have to tell ourselves the truth. In this situation, the truth actually helps ease our pain. It helps us realize that things aren't as bad as they seem. Now, things aren't always as good as they seem either, but in this case, they aren't

as bad as they seem. This is not the end of the world. Every single human on this planet goes through this situation over and over and over again through life. And so becoming good at understanding how to handle chaotic hardship and rejection is a master skill to have. All right. Now, that's the second thing. Tell yourself the truth. Now, the third thing is also hard, but this is the key to everything. All right.

We make situations worse, whatever the situations may be. Okay. In this case, we're talking about a breakup. We make situations worse by not controlling any of the things that are available for us to control, all right? So we have to tell ourselves the truth there. Are you controlling what you eat? Are you controlling what you put in your body? Are you controlling what you drink? Are you controlling your movement, your training? Are you controlling the people that you surround yourself with? Are you controlling your movement, your training? Are you controlling the people that

you surround yourself with? Are you controlling the information that you put in your brain? Are you putting productive information in your brain or are you obsessing over the situation and continuing to beat yourself into the dirt? All right. These are honest questions that we have to ask ourselves. And the truth of the matter is, guys, in most scenarios that are very hard like this, we are not even actually trying to control the things that we could control. And once we have control of the things we control, although it's hard, it gives us some relief because every day that we wake up, we can say, I'm in control. I did what I needed to do yesterday. So therefore, when I wake

up in the morning, I am better today. All right. And when we go through these hard times, we oftentimes tell ourselves that we need a break. We need alcohol. We need to like, you know, process our feelings and all these things. And there may be some validity to that last point, right? Process our feelings, but do drinking them away, becoming more destructive, focusing and dwelling, those things only make everything worse. So ask yourself, what are you controlling? Okay. And fourth, take the negative energy, take the negative energy that you feel and put it into productive action. We all know what it feels like to have this kind of pain. We all know what it feels like to feel this sort of rejection. And it hurts, man.

But that's a lot of useful energy if we convert that energy into doing what I just said in point three, taking control of the controllables. All right. And this doesn't just apply for breakups. This applies for any chaotic situation, any kind of loss, any kind of unplanned chaos. And guys, I hate to break it to you, but the unplanned chaos in your life never stops. It continues to go on and on and on and on over the course of life. And we do ourselves no favors by taking the position that we expect it to stop.

Okay. That could sit that what that does is that actually creates a situation of constant disappointment, of constant frustration, of constant devaluation of self, of constant lowering of self-esteem and self-worth. And so we have to not beat ourselves up when we are in these situations and instead take the pain that we are feeling and pour it into ourselves. And guys, the long-term goal here is this. When people reject you and they say you're not good enough or they say, I don't want to be with you, it is very personal. It's not, you know, don't take it personal. No, it's fucking very personal. They're saying, I don't like't take it personal. No, it's fucking very personal. They're saying, I don't like you. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want you working for me. And these things hurt. Okay. But I'm telling you this, the faster that you can control what it is that you're capable of controlling,

the faster you're going to feel better about your life. All right. The faster you're going to get over that situation, the faster you're going to remember who the fuck you are and why it is you are you. All right. So I want you to think about these four steps. I know a lot of you guys are going through hard times. I know a lot of you guys are struggling with things. You know, there's a lot of chaos in the world. There's all kinds of things happening in the job market. Money's getting tighter. You know, things are happening that are chaotic. Okay. And, and, and the last thing, the last thing, and this is the most important thing of the whole message here. The last thing is this, the quickest way to make yourself feel better is by helping other people feel better. If you can take and put your own feelings

aside and figure out a way to pour into someone else to help them, whatever it is they're doing, whatever it is they're trying to do, whatever it is they're working on, maybe they're working on their fitness, maybe they're working on their career, maybe they're working on improving just in general, all of these things. When you can sit down and you can contribute to someone else's success, it will naturally help you move past the scenario that you are currently dealing with. Okay? So if you are struggling and you are going through a hard time, I want you to think about these five points. I want you to go back and listen to this very short podcast that I believe will help you move through these difficult situations.

And these things take time, right? When you have to control all the things that you control, that takes time to accumulate. That's not something that you do for one day and it's going to make you feel completely better. But I can promise you, you will feel a little bit better when you get to look at yourself in the mirror the next morning and you wake up and you say, all right, I'm one day better than I was yesterday. And that's how we have to look at life. That's how we have to look at these situations. And eventually you'll stop feeling the way that you feel right now. And because of the actions that you're taking, by the time that you stop feeling, because here's the thing, if you did nothing, if you just continue to like live and

never took any of these proactive steps that I'm talking about and you did nothing, if you just continue to like live and never took any of these proactive steps that I'm talking about and you did nothing, all right, you will eventually get over this because time cures the painful wounds, all right? Think of every hard thing that you've ever been through. When enough time passes, it gets easier to deal with. It may not permanently go away, but it gets small. It gets real small in the rear view. And occasionally you'll be upset about it, but most of the time you kind of don't even think about it. The point is this, when that time comes, when the time comes where this huge event to you right now is very small in the rear view mirror, do you want to be in a better place

than you are right now? Or do you want to be in a worse place than you are right now? Because here's the thing. Time is going to pass and time will help heal the wound. But if I were you, I would commit to these steps that I'm talking about, especially the step of controlling the controllables. All right. Because by the time that you get over this situation, you're actually going to end up in a much better spot. You're going to be more physically fit. You're going to be more intelligent. Your energy is going to be better. You're going to be healthier. You're going to feel better. You're going to look better. And you're actually going to be a much better physical and mental version of yourself after this time passes. Okay? So to the young man that messaged me and asked me,

how do you get through these difficult times? I made this show just for you, bro. I'm not going to say your name, but I made this show just for you. It's very, very important for people to realize. We're all going to go through difficult times. The hard times never stop coming. The only way that we can truly, truly move through life is by continuing to progress, continuing to get better, continuing to become a better version of ourself, and continuing to help other people become better versions of themselves. And this will make these things much easier to deal with over the course of time. All right?

So for those of you going through the difficult time, go back to the last 15 minutes or so, give it a listen, take some notes, and look at this as the recipe for you getting through these difficult times that emotionally hurt us That make us feel small that make us feel worthless. You are not worthless You're going through a very difficult time and there's a big fucking difference. Okay. I love you guys I appreciate you guys and i'll talk to you next time.