REAL AF with Andy Frisella - 707. Q&AF: Comparison: The Thief Of Joy, Giving Grace & Passion Vs Aggression

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

In today's episode, Andy answers your questions on when it's appropriate to compare yourself to others, what constitutes giving grace to those who've made a mistake, and how to differentiate between being too passionate and too aggressive.

What is up guys, it's Andy Purcell and this is the show for the realest. Say goodbye to the lies, the fakeness, and delusions of modern society and welcome to motherfucking reality. Guys, today we have a mid and delusions of modern society. And welcome to motherfucking reality. Guys, today we have a mid-week Q&A-F. That's where you submit the questions and we give you the answers. Now, if you want your questions answered on the show, you can do so a couple different ways. The first way is, guys, email those questions in to askandy at andyfrasella.com. Or you go on YouTube in the Q&A&AF episodes, drop your question in the comments.

We'll pick some from there as well. Other times you tune in, like tomorrow, we're going to have CTI. That stands for Cruise the Internet. It's where we put topics on the screen. We talk about what's going on in the world. We speculate on what's true, what's not true, and then we talk about how we the people have to solve these problems going on in the world. Then we have Real Talk.

Real Talk is 5 to 20 minutes of me giving you some real talk. And then we have 75 Hard Versus. That's where someone who has completed the 75 Hard Program, which is the initial phase of the Live Hard Program, comes on, talks about how their life was a dumpster fire and how they un-dumpster fired it using the Live Hard Program and how you can do the same. If you are interested in the Live Hard program, which you should be because it'll change your life, you can get it for free at episode 208 on the audio feed. It's on the audio feed only. It's not on YouTube. We weren't on YouTube at that time.

There is a book on my website called The Book on Mental Toughness. If you are interested in that, it will give you the entire Live Hard program, top to bottom, in and out. It gives you all the details, plus 10 chapters on mental toughness why it's important how to use it and then some case studies on some very famous people and how they use mental toughness to become the people that you recognize them for that book is available at andyfersella.com um we have a fee for the show the fee is very simple. Share the show, all right? We're constantly getting censored, shadow banned, traffic throttled,

and we need the message to get out. You're going to notice I don't run ads on the show, which means I'm not going to fill your head with 30 minutes of BS that I don't even use. And so I ask very simply, a little trade. If we bring value to you, if we make you laugh, we make you think, if we help you with your perspective, we teach you some skills, skills please share the show and that's not just once in a while that's the actual show that gives you the value all right so uh don't be a hoe show the show all right hey what's up what's going on oh not much is i what's happening with IG? Oh, well, they took my page down for nothing. Jesus.

Yeah, no strikes, no warning, no anything, which I'm sure we'll have it back up soon. But this is why it's important for you guys to share the show. We're constantly dealing with shit like this. We've had it happen to our YouTube. We've had it happen to our IG. So when we say share the show, our show is highly dependent on you guys sharing it

out there. So, uh, I'm sure my Instagram will be back soon. Uh, and if you want to stay in contact with me in the event that they would delete everything, you need to subscribe to the Andy Graham. You just go on Andy for seller.com, go down to Andy Graham, fill in your email. We're not going to spam you with a bunch of bullshit. You're going to get a post for me every day. People are like, why don't you post?

Well, I do. I probably do more content than anybody on the planet. I do five podcasts a week. I do Andy Graham every single day, which is a post like Instagram. I do my stories. So, you know, that's where the posts are. They're on my Andy Graham. And if you go on my website, Andy for sell.com, just fill out your email.

You'll get that every day in your inbox. So it's a good way to start the day. But yeah, they're fucking with me, as usual. Free my boy. Yeah. Bro, it's insane, dude. They're going to get worse and worse and worse and whatever, man. Yeah.

So. Yeah, other than that, man, all is good. We've been, I think, do we got more storms coming in? I don't know, man. It's been raining its ass off. Yeah. Storming, too. Like, not just, like, steady rain. We've been I think we got more storms coming in I Don't know man Yeah Storming to like not just like steady rain like it's like when we get the rain. It's just in a huge like Storm and I can't remember the last day. We've had like a steady

Rain nice rain. Yeah, like rains cool. Yeah, it's it's not been that it's been like just straight-up storms Yeah, and I can't remember the last day. We had a rainy day. Yeah, it's not been that. It's been like just straight up storms. And I can't even remember the last day we had a rainy day. Yeah. So. Yeah. Well, let's get into it. Yeah, let's make some people better. Yeah.

Guys, Andy, question number one. Andy, I've been told my whole life that comparison is the thief of joy. But you teach that we're all in a competition in life, whether we realize it or not. Does that statement, comparison is the thief of joy, have any weight at all? Is there any truth to it or has it just been interpreted wrong? No, I think there's a little bit of truth to it. I think that when you're doing well and you're doing everything you can do and you're kicking ass and you're doing the best that you can do and you're on day one or day 20 or day 30 of your journey and you're comparing yourself and you've been doing everything that you can do and you're comparing yourself to someone who's been doing it for 10 20 30 years

yeah that's going to take away your joy okay um now if you compare yourself to let's say somebody who's been doing it the same amount of time and they're beating your ass and then you just look in the mirror and say well it's okay i shouldn't compare myself you're gonna fucking lose so there has there's nuance to every saying and you know everybody on the internet likes to hear these sayings and then attach a permanent meaning to them and that's just not the way it works dude there's nuance there's exceptions and it's a lot like luck right like i don't ever talk about luck and the reason i don't talk about luck is because the minute i talk about luck all the weak minded say see i'm not lucky and they use it as an excuse the rest of their life what they don't

understand is that yes there are breaks that you get but those breaks come whenever you're prepared okay so when you work hard and you execute and you're doing that day in and day out, day in and day out, day in and day out for a long period of time, absolutely. There's going to be things that go your way and people are going to say, oh, look at that look. And then they use that as an excuse and say, well, that guy's made it because he got that lucky break. Not even considering the 20 years or 10 years or five years that he put in to get to that point.

All right. So this is the same kind of saying all these fucking gurus on the internet like to say comparison is the thief of joy. Just be happy where you're at. Well, if that's the case, bro, be happy with your little fucking McDonald's cheeseburger, fucking happy meal and your shitty life living in your fucking basement and never compare yourself to anyone and think you're okay. If you want to do that and you can live in ignorance and you can be happy doing that, by all means, do it. But that's not what we're about here. We're about fucking winning. We're about being the best. We're about executing at a high level. And to execute at a high level, it is a very useful thing to look at people who are on the same path as you and compare yourself.

That is reality. If that guy's running a 4-5-40 and I'm a wide receiver and I'm running a four, six, guess what? I got to get fucking faster. Okay. This is the reality of competition. So there is truth to it. You don't want to compare yourself to someone who's outside the realm or outside the brackets of reasonable comparison, right? Like if I am to compare myself, um, you know, with Jeff Bezos, I'm going to constantly feel like I'm a piece of shit, right? Because Bezos has been as successful as he has been. But if I compare myself to people in my industry, who've chosen a path that I've chosen, I can look at it objectively and say, okay, well, you're doing pretty fucking good. Okay. Now, eventually when you get to the top of that game,

you have to start comparing yourself to the outside people who are outside the realm of whatever it is you do because you want to break free of the mold that's been created in the space that you're in. So, like, for now, like, now, like, when I compare myself, I don't compare myself to people in my space anymore. I compare myself to fucking Phil Knight. And yeah, that's frustrating for me.

But frustrating drives ambition, which drives big action, which drives big results. So when I look at things and I get frustrated, I don't act like a little bitch and say, I'm so discouraged. I say, fuck, all right, well, that guy's badass. I'm going to have to get a lot better. And that's the attitude of a winner. discouraged i say fuck all right well that guy's badass i'm gonna have to get a lot better and that's the attitude of a winner winners will compare themselves and look at it and be honest with themselves and say i gotta get better here here here here here losers will look at people

and compare themselves and be like oh fuck i'm just a loser and and dude that's a self-fulfilling prophecy because if you think like that you're always going to be a loser yeah i think i think most people struggle with the objective being able to look at shit objectively like this is just what it is right now this current situation like that's hard for people to process i think it's hard for people to consider the amount of work the amount of dedication the amount of struggle the amount of pain the amount of frustration that has occurred to get people where they are when they haven't even gone down the path at all. Right? Like, you look at people, when you're on day one, and you're standing at the bottom of the mountain,

and you're looking up at Mount Everest, and there's some motherfuckers three-quarters of the way up there. There's even a guy up there on the top. And you've never climbed a mountain before. Yeah, you're going to be like, fuck. Right? But the way you're going to climb the mountain is the same way they climbed the mountain. One step at a time, okay? And if you can't do one step at a time, then you're going to have to improve your skill set about moving up the mountain.

So I don't buy into this feel-good idealist nonsense about trying to be happy all the time and trying to be in zen mode and trying to feel peace all the time, bro, if you're happy all the time and you have peace all the time and you have no frustration, no anxiety, you're not going to have any driver ambition either. You're not going to have any reason to change. You're going to be sitting on your couch, getting the same shit you're getting out. And if that's what you want, cool, but don't pretend like you want more. Don't bitch about why you don't have more. Just accept your life and say, this is what I want. I'm happy here. And be happy stop consuming my content stop consuming content that wants you to get better that pushes you to be better that calls you out on your bullshit because all that's going to do is piss you off and make you unhappy unsubscribe go away go look at the fucking butterfly pages

and shut the fuck up that's what needs to happen okay like just accept where you are now if you're a driven person i would absolutely be comparing myself to other people that's just reality and i don't believe in this fucking shit that all these dudes preach you know everybody's in this hurry to feel fucking good you shouldn't feel good all the time bro you should feel good when you're doing the things you know you should be doing if you don't fucking feel good it's because you're not doing the shit you should be doing you shouldn't just accept it and say oh well it is what it is You know that's his life. That's what we deal with in today's society We deal with a bunch of pussified opinions about peace and harmony and touching the grass and fucking dude

It's just it's victim culture to the max and it's like motherfuckers you wonder why you can't get anywhere It's because you're soft as fuck. You're trying to get something that you can't even get. You think you can feel peaceful all the time and still achieve things? You think you can feel no frustration all the time and still improve your situation? You can't. So let's stop with this bullshit. If you're an ambitious person, you want to change the trajectory of your fucking family tree, you're going to have frustrating times.

You're going to have angering times. You're going to have doubtful times. You're going to have big tests in life. You're going to have disruption. You're not going to have peace very often. These are the realities of pursuing a bigger purpose and a bigger mission in your life. And if you want to be what you are now

and continue to degrade over the course of your life from here to the end of it, just go fucking do something else. Stop pretending like you want it because you don't you know one last piece i want to hit on man because you mentioned it i feel like also too man it's hard for people to kind of comprehend that that climb because they're not really able to they didn't see them actually climb they just see the no they think this dude got dropped off by a helicopter right see that guy three quarters he only got there because he fucking he had to just take a helicopter he jumped yeah right he jumped from the bottom to the top because he's lucky to have this skill set you know what i'm saying he got lucky right his parents owned a helicopter that's what it was

you know and now he didn't climb the 30 000 steps yeah he, he's LeBron James' kid. He can jump 400 yards. He bounded up the mountain like Bambi. Like, fuck, dude. Yeah, but does that give you any mental clarity, though, looking at it like that? Like, just knowing that people won't really see the input. They just see the output. I don't care what people see. Why the fuck do you care what people see?

Why do you care? It has nothing to do with them. Most of the people you know right now, why you care has nothing to do with them most of the people you know right now you're not gonna know in five years what difference does it fucking make who cares what they fucking think you should be worried about taking that step and that next step and that next step and eventually you'll get halfway up the mountain and there'll be a whole bunch of other people that are also halfway up the mountain and those people become your friends and all the fuckers that fucking didn't get it they'll still be at the bottom of the mountain

eating fucking hot pockets yeah that's real shit man i love it i love it guys uh any question number two uh andy my question is how do you how do you personally decide who and when to give grace to is it based on the individual person in your life or the act that was committed? I understand people relay their own individual struggles through responses, but I do believe that you should always trust the snake to do what a snake does. And that's bite. Appreciate all that you do. What's your thoughts on this? Man, you know, that's a that's a nuanced question. There's all different circumstances and conditions that go to play when you want to give someone grace. You know, when you're humble enough to admit that you have made a lot of the same mistakes and a lot of mistakes in your life,

you know, I think as you get older, you start to have more grace for people because you've made all these mistakes. When I was younger, in my 20s, I was very judgmental. When I was in my 30s, I was a little less judgmental and now I I'm less judgmental even then and it's because it's it's hypocritical if you have a strong character to judge people for things that you have done yourself or mistakes that you've made or even kind of similar so I think you know that plays into it I also think what plays into it is the intent did the person intend to do this or was it was it uh just a misunderstanding um and i also think the the amount of times the person has done it have they done this five different times because if they've done it five different times it's not something that that they feel bad about or that's a mistake it's just what they're

doing that's a decision yeah that's right and and dude you know like that's probably best to like separate yourself from someone like that if they're doing something that violates your code of ethics you know what i mean so i think there's a lot of things but i think more importantly dude people struggle with forgiving themselves i think that's where people really struggle i don't think it's like giving grace with other people i think it's with giving grace with yourself and uh i had a good conversation with one of my friends about this a few weeks ago but you know the way you look at forgiving yourself is if your friend came to you and said hey man i did this and this and this and i feel really bad about it and i don't want to do this again how would you handle it most of us if it was a good friend would say well dude dj that's pretty

stupid i shouldn't have done that bro but hey don't do it again man it's all right you know we'll figure it out yeah and if you can talk to yourself like that you know it's easier to forgive yourself we tend especially high achievers tend to judge themselves much harder than they do everybody else because they hold themselves to a higher standard, so It's very hard for people who are driven ambitious who have high standards to forgive themselves when they make mistakes Because I quite honestly they think they're better than everybody else all right, and and that's that's what it comes down to well That's some evidence-based stuff too though right like I mean the scoreboards yeah right no it's not i can understand look bro look dude like that's a whole another fucking bullshit topic oh you know better than anybody i don't know man like i'm better at a

lot of things yeah i might not be more valuable as a human being as a human life i can agree with that yeah like you don't rescue turtles on the weekends. Yeah, but I can tell you this. I'm better than you in pretty much every fucking area. You know what I'm saying? Not you, but I'm just saying. Yeah, in these situations, you know, this whole thing of, like, these losers coming around. What do you think? You're better than me? I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. Like, yes. Yeah. Of course. But you're saying that's because you hold yourself accountable to that standard. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah, but, like, dude, you dude you know i i think you know grace comes down to a couple things you know i i think you know you got to understand that you've made mistakes you got to

understand you know what the intent was you got to understand you know how frequently is the behavior um you know there's there's all kinds of things that play into that man and i i think you know it just depends on the situation it just does it sounds so it sounds like what you're saying is that you know this this idea of grace is really just a matter of uh perspective yeah i think so you know what i'm saying because like it's weird because like i'm thinking about this in my like my own self like and how i look at grace right and like for me i'm at a stage where it's like i don't give a fuck what the intention was what was the the effect what was the outcome also yeah but you're also in your 20s that's how i was that's what i'm saying so i get to like i don't when i was in my 20s i was

a savage someone stepped on my toes bro i cracked their skull yeah so like not not literally well sometimes but you know what i'm saying but like bro that's a different mentality because you don't have the perspective of a lifetime of you know what i mean so i just think there's a different mentality because you don't have the perspective of a lifetime of fuck-ups you know what i mean so i just think there's a lot of nuance there i also think there's a case to be made for karma like when you when someone does something you know that's going to cause a reaction back to them and you stand in the way of it and absorb that reaction you're keeping them from learning a lesson that will be valuable to them for the rest of their life. So I think there's something to be said there too. Like you're trying to give them grace when in reality. They need to learn their lesson.

They need that, yeah. Yeah, you know? Yeah, that's real. You know, like we see this a lot with finances, right? Like every family's got that fucking weirdo cousin or irresponsible member of the family who always needs money right and because you love them you you you give them you know two three five hundred bucks a thousand bucks whenever

you know whenever you can but the problem with that is is that they never learn how to be responsible with their money and what they actually learn is no different than when you feed a stray cat they know where to go when they're in a hard situation and so sometimes you have to say hey fuck you man get your fucking ass to work and that's the best lesson that you could give them you know what i mean love you but fuck you well that's that's that's real love dude like real love is saying hey you need to get shit together bro i'm not helping you you know what i'm saying so but i just think there's so much nuance there's not a clear-cut answer to that. Yeah, that's just what I think.

Yeah. Yeah. I like that, man. I like that. Well, guys, let's get to question number three. Andy. Andy. Hey, Andy.

Hey. Andy, I know you're a passionate. Hey. Don't do that. Hi. Were people were dying at my store yesterday? No, they weren't. Oh, no, they were. They were when we got in the truck. Oh

Yeah, right you mean when I made you wet They were laughing at that one I had listen I got like one of my buddies. He's a hardcore biker, right? He's like I got three unopened messages, and I know they're from that I ain't even open it Okay, I can't even recover out of this uh guys let's get to question number three uh andy andy i know you're a passionate man um and i've been told by my colleagues family members and girlfriends that plural um that i'm too aggressive uh even though in many of the situations i don't feel or think that i'm being aggressive i like to think that i'm a passionate man i like things done right but perhaps i really am an asshole. Do you have any practical tips for coming off as more

professional or considerate? How can you set standards or provide feedback without coming off as an asshole? Is that part of that necessary to do? Like, how do we do this? You need to understand that holding a standard and setting the pace and having people held accountable is perceived as asshole no matter how you do it. Okay. And you could be the kindest person in the world. They're going to be like, what a dick. Okay.

So, so like, bro, it doesn't matter. It's not your delivery. That's the problem. It's the fucking people. That's the problem. And it's the culture. That's the problem. We live in a culture where people do not like to be held accountable they do not like to live to

a standard and when you point out that they don't live to a standard they call it abuse or harassment or some sort of crazy shit we live in the softest fucking society that's ever existed in the human history these people get food whenever they want it they don't have to hunt and kill anything they don't have to fight for anything they don't't even fucking get dirty, dude. They got a hot shower. They got unlimited water. They got fucking 5,000 channels of entertainment. Like bro, we live in a total weak, pussified society that anytime you try to hold someone accountable, they have a problem with it. Okay. So it's not your delivery dude and by the way if your delivery is overly aggressive

fucking people will probably learn not to do that shit you know what i'm saying like i don't i don't buy into that bro like people should hear the message not the delivery that's how professionals behave that's how people work that's how shit gets done that's how people work. That's how shit gets done. That's how winning teams play. You guys got to understand, dude, winning is not for everybody. Winning is only for people who can understand what it actually takes. Most people aren't going to understand that. So when you try to hold them to a standard, no matter if you whisper it in their fucking ear, they're not going to fucking hear it right.

Okay. So I was told all those same things. You're too aggressive. I don't like the way you talk to me. I don't like this. Look where the fuck we are. You like that? Do you like that?

Do you like living in a fucking million-dollar house, $2 million house? Do you like that? Do you like getting paid what the fuck you get paid? Do you that you like the car you drive you oh i like you like all those things right well then fuck how i deliver the message that's what i think it's real shit man it also makes me think too bro like i mean if people be real honest with themselves and like look back the people that i like have the most respect for in my life. Were the hardest on you. They've always been the hardest people. My best coaches, bro, he takes zero shit.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, because he knows that you guys will fucking, they give you an inch, you'll take 10 miles. Like when you've been around the block a fucking hundred times, you know that. Yeah. So you have to be stern. You have to be hard. Now, does that mean you got to walk in the room and be like, fuck all you lazy motherfuckers? No, you don't have to know that. So you have to be stern. Now does that mean you gotta walk in the room

and be like, fuck all you lazy motherfuckers? No, you don't have to do that. But you do have to be firm in your ability to hold a line. And when people don't fucking toe the line, you gotta tell them. And they're not gonna like that. Nobody likes being told, hey man, that's bullshit.

Nobody likes that. You know, I used to have to yell and scream to get that point across but i don't anymore i just say it and people fucking get it you see what i'm saying i think there's something to also bro like the reason that i have so much respect for the you know those people in my life that were the hardest on me is because at the same time i also understand that they actually gave a fuck no bro it's the It's the intent. Right. It's the intent. That is the key to making your delivery work no matter what it is. Do you intend to make that person better or are you yelling at them because you want to fucking get something for yourself?

Do you want them to win or are you trying to get you to win? Are you fucking yelling at them because they didn't fucking run hard enough so that you could get your fucking bonus? Or are you yelling at them because you know they're fucking better and they should be doing way better for themselves. The intent matters and people know the intent. And when you deliver a message, no matter if it's on stage, one-on-one, no matter what, if your intent is correct and that person knows like, hey, motherfucker, I care about you.

If they know that you can say anything you want, however you want, whatever you want. And if you're a little too hard, you come back hour later you say hey i was heated i didn't mean to deliver it that way but i meant what the fuck i said we gotta do better and you know what they'll say every time no bro i got it yeah you see what i'm saying so having that intent be correct is the biggest piece to this working if but i could tell you this. Even when you're in tense, right, you're going to run into a lot of people that are straight-up pussies, bro. They're just straight-up pussies. Those people are not going to fit on your team.

They're not worth trying to save. You don't want them in your organization. They're going to spread cancer, and that's what it is. And also, I say this. You have to be smart with your communication and be understanding of where you are in the fucking hierarchy with how you communicate. You walk into your boss's office, you start doing that shit, you ain't going to have a job. You're fired. Okay?

The 48 laws of power. Go read law number one. You never want to outshine your superior. Okay? And that's what that's about. You don't want to come in talking that shit. You got to have respect. You never want to outshine your superior. Okay? And that's what that's about. You don't want to come in talking that shit. You got to have respect.

You got to deliver it respectfully because I get a feel... Did that guy say how old he was? No. I get a feeling that that guy is not at the top of the food chain. And people are saying you're being an asshole. And if that's the case, you're probably going to get fired

over and over and over again. So it depends on where you are in the hierarchy however if i have someone who's in the mid level or the lower level and they're just they're just respectful but also hold a standard that's extremely valuable extremely valuable i have a guy who who works here in the company who and i'm not gonna say his name we hired him and on his second or third day here we we he was just a new guy and he saw somebody that was his superior this is like seven years ago okay he saw someone who was his superior do something fucked up okay that was not not what we're supposed to do and this guy's so literal he went and got the write-up pad and wrote up his superior brought it into the office okay but he did so in a nice way and we all loved it we're like this guy's awesome yeah you know what i'm saying yeah so there's a

difference there yes his intent was right hey man we're not holding the line this is what you told me to do so that's what he did and i loved it i thought it was great wrote up this yeah it was awesome that's great man true story you want those people yeah like you want those people yeah bro people that just care yeah i love it man uh all right we're at 27. yeah we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna wrap it up because i got some i gotta do okay andy yeah nice and short to the point today and uh we'll see you tomorrow With some CTI