Real Girls Radio - EP 1: The untold truth about Milly’s story

Episode Date: March 13, 2022

Grab some snacks and chillax whilst we chat ABOUT...Starting our poddy, along with Milly's emotional journey. Emma interviews Milly and unravels some never told before truths about Milly's emotional highs and lows of her weight gain journey.You may want to grab some tissues...DISCLAIMER: we speak about past experienecs that could be triggering. For any help, please seek professional guidance.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/e-1-the-unheard-truth-of-millys-journey. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Love this podcast? Support this show through the Acast Supporter feature. It's up to you how much you give and there's no regular commitment. Just hit the link in the show description to support now. Oh my god, okay. Hi guys! Hello! Welcome to our first podcast episode. I can't believe it. I can't believe we're finally here. No, I actually can't.

How long have we been talking about this? Oh, we've been talking about this for, I actually want to say like a year. It's been a year or maybe less. I feel like we need to celebrate the fact we are here right now. Yeah, we're actually here. Busy girls with busy schedules. We've finally made it. Yeah, we've finally made it. Guys, if you could see where we are right now, we're literally in this really cool, like, set up podcast room. I swear we've got someone famous next to us. I feel like very professional right now. Yeah, it's very professional. I feel like I don't want to touch too much. I love it. I'll break something.

I love it. But yeah, welcome, guys, to the first podcast. We are going to be completely honest, like the name of the podcast, Real Girls Radio. That's exactly what we're doing. We're not going to hide anything here. And we are very much winging this right now. Yeah. I'm not really sure what we're doing we're not gonna hide anything here and we are very much winging this right now yeah

not really sure what we're doing but we love that I think the best things come out of winging things yeah do you know what I mean yeah and actually I was talking

to my friend about this the other day with anything in life you are quite literally winging it like you look at other people and think they've got all their shit together

oh shit are we no yeah we're allowed to swear let's make some yeah let's make some what's it called can we swear mornings I think we should swear i think we should swear but i think we should just say whatever comes to us yeah i mean i think i'm not that's in my vocabulary i'm not someone who swears that much but i might occasionally say s h i t s h i t okay so anyone

under the age of what do you say 16 i think i just cover your ears yeah anyway what i was saying is me and my friend were talking the other day about how like you look at other people and adults and stuff you think they've got all their shit together and they actually don't everyone's winging it yeah so that's what we're gonna do right yeah right now and i love that and so basically we wanted to start a podcast because i mean i personally have wanted to start my own podcast for such a long time and then when i mentioned it to you i was the same you were the same so we thought why not collab bring it together do a little collaboration but the thing is right like i think anyone who's listening you may not even know our

friendship like we are just very raw genuine friends so it's not even like oh it's a collab it's literally like we are literally friends who are linking up to have a chat catch up yeah about all things and we're and sharing with you guys yeah and we always need to have these catch-ups like we never have time for it you know what it's like when life gets busy and then you haven't switched your friends like a month so you know we're obviously going to talk all things. We've got a huge list of topics that we want to chat about. So much to talk about. But we're also going to be having, you know, private conversations.

That doesn't leave this group, okay, honeys? So, yeah, I guess just to give you a little bit of an intro into what this podcast is going to be all about. Yeah. You guys know we're very much into our health and fitness. So of course we're going to be talking about all things gym, training, health, fitness, lifestyle, and then obviously our own personal transformations. Yeah, because we've come from two very different backgrounds or like journeys, haven't we?

Yeah. So I think that's quite interesting. We've come from very different backgrounds, but we're living a very similar life now wow so yeah we will go into so inspirational oh my god so we're gonna go into all the deets and then we're gonna be talking about all things from social media we're gonna be talking about like body dysmorphia and diet diet yeah diet culture diet food freedom eating out balancing health fitness life work life, work, relationships. And we're also going to be asking you guys questions or anything that you want to send in to us that we're going to address at the beginning of every episode. So Emma calls it, what do you call it?

Agony Aunt. Agony Aunt. I have no idea what that is. You guys know when, you know, Agony Aunt in like the columns back in the magazine days where someone would write in their issue or their life struggle and the agony on right so this is what we're gonna do so we are your new agony so basically how it's gonna work you guys are gonna ask us a question on our instagram and we are gonna pick one to answer at the beginning of every episode. Obviously, we haven't actually announced this podcast yet. So we don't have a question at the moment.

So we were going to answer a question that we get asked all the time, which is how did you get into social media as a job? So Mills, off you go. Oh God, this is a big question isn't it i'm gonna try to keep it short and sweet but that's kind of impossible when it comes to me i don't know like i started my whole weight gain journey which we're going to be talking about in this episode with emma and i just shared it all online on instagram without any intention for it to explode the way it has and i think a lot of people just resonated with it oh I think I can hear that wrestling oh my god you can tell I'm mutinous but yeah I think everyone resonated with it and it just

blew up yeah it blew up it grew a lot on my Instagram and then and rightly so because oh honey what you know what what you do is absolutely incredible you know what's crazy is like I think even when I was younger I always knew that I wanted to do something along these lines and I don't know how but I just knew it and when I was underway I was kind of trying to channel that on Instagram but I never got to you know where I wanted to be because I was so hung up on my body and like how I looked and what people thought of me and all that stuff and I think as soon as you let go of that you start things start to actually yeah and that's what people connect and people can social media yeah exactly so that's how I got into it and yeah it kind of just rolls as a little ripple effect well we'll talk all about this in the episode as today's episode we

just thought we'd get straight into it and I'm gonna interview Millie all about her journey did you want to answer the question as well or would that just make me I will answer the question what's the question I mean I guess my actual full-time job is coaching so for those of you who don't know I have an online fitness and nutrition coaching company called empower online coaching which is my biggest passion I absolutely love what I do but then obviously I also have my Instagram on the side which is I mean Instagram is in itself kind of like a full-time job oh yeah I can't I don't I honestly don't know how you do it all I really don't google calendar time block that stuff god yeah but no I got into it because I I actually at uni I studied business

management marketing and wanted to kind of work my way up in the like grad kind of scheme and go into like business and then I realized when I was doing a marketing placement that I did not want to work in an office nine till five and I needed to work for myself like I needed to do something I felt passionate about that was fitness and health and nutrition so I just started documenting it on Instagram and actually the way my account grew was from posting my weekly check-ins with my coach oh it's kind of like me yeah it was kind of like you. Guys, if you want to grow a social media, post your check-in pictures. Yeah. No, I just, yeah, I just posted it.

It was very raw. Just my check-in pic. Yeah, literally just what I'm doing. Bit of food, bit of leg workout. And yeah, it just started growing. When did you start that? Probably like three years ago now. No way.

Yeah. So only one year before me. I don't know. I don't know the actual date. I'm so sorry. I haven't prepared. Too don't know the actual date. I'm so sorry. I haven't prepared. Too bad we have lost a couple of years with the whole, I'm not going to mention it, but the C-O-V-I-D.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to mention that. I call it Divock. Pobis felt backwards. Divock, yeah. It's like Cobard.

Anyway, should we get into the actual episode? Let's get into it. Right. Sorry, we're chatting away. Okay, so beginning of every episode, we're going to start with a flop and a fly. A fly and a flop? A flop and a fly. So basically, the flop is something that's happened in your week that is a bit of a literal flop.

And then the fly, obviously, is something that's great that's happened, that's boosted you up for the week. So, Millie, start with the flop. Give me a flop. Okay, my flop, guys, I'm not going to lie, I have not been prioritising my sleep recently. And it's definitely shown because I am very tired. I do admit I am a little bit aggy. But that's only the past week. So we're working on it.

I'm really trying to not be on my phone when I go to sleep because I think it's so bad. Do you know what you need to get? A Lumi alarm. Oh, my God, that's what I need. I bought myself one and it is brilliant. So I actually put my phone outside of my bedroom when I go to sleep, put my Lumi on

and it is the most wonderful wake up every morning. It brightens your room and then you wake up to the sound of birds. So even with me who has to set themselves like five, six alarms, because I sleep through alarms. You can even wake up to a goat if you want. I mean, I don't know. I wanted to be in like the south of France

with goats in my garden. I actually have a fear of goats so I will not be setting it to that. But, you know, I'm sure a goat will wake me up. Yeah, okay. I wouldn't mind a goat waking me up. That's on your to-do list then. Go get yourself a loomie. And guys, in the next episode I will have a loomie. I'm going to hold myself me up. That's on your to-do list then. Go get yourself a loomy. Right, loomy. And guys, in the next episode, I will have a loomy. I'm going to hold myself to that.

Hold yourself to that. I actually am. Okay, right. So my flop is, it's actually a bit of an issue. Okay. I'm actually excited to hear this. So it's really starting to take a toll on my mental health. Honey.

So I don't know about you, but I have about 140,000 photos on my phone. Oh. Okay. Yeah. know about you but i have about 140 000 photos on my phone okay and i need to do a severe digital detox and clear that out and get rid right so this has happened 140 000 so the actual flop is because every time i need to get a video or get a photo from you know however many months ago yeah it's so bloody download oh my god yes storage is just not okay right now right so i need to do this digital detail at the time for it but anyway are you gonna try do that for next episode 140 000 well at least start i'll i'll start my issue is

i take photos of quite literally everything and it is just not sufficient for me to take one I have to take eight photos that's what we all have to do though you know and it's actually so funny because you literally upload one yeah yeah you take I mean sometimes thousands well yeah but you know as well no but I even mean like if I was taking a picture of this bottle of water oh my god yeah I would take like 12 yeah we gotta get the right angles for the water. Yeah, you've got to work those angles for that bottle. So, yeah, I need to work on that. But I think that's quite a common flop.

Yeah, it's a flop because it's really stressing me out and the amount of times I've wanted to throw my phone at the wall. You dare, because that's a lovely phone. It won't, but it's getting there. But anyway, yeah. Fly? My fly is actually quite literal because I'm flying to Barcelona on Friday oh that is such a fly wow have you packed you packed already or

well my fly is okay guys I had a I had well I mean you'll understand this when you listen to this episode but I had those like passion fruit martini things like things like in a tin last night I had like two but I was like wow this is actually really good because I don't usually

ever go to those like go for those I always go for like a focaccia lime or something so yeah I usually have a little fill for those but your gal pulled through

and she had them and she actually really enjoyed them was it good? they were really yummy honestly tasted like I was on holiday. Nice.

And that's exactly why I need to be. So, you know, it's helped. Fabulous. Okay, well, we are going to get straight in to the topic of today's episode. I hope this isn't going to be too long. I mean, I don't really know. We're just going to go with it. Which is Millie's transformation journey.

Which I'm sure all of you are very excited to hear about I am I mean I mean I know a lot of it yeah I feel like a lot of people know a lot about it anyway I guess it's good to have it in podcast form and really you know yeah yeah okay so I'm gonna start with a little icebreaker actually I want to know what is your most used emoji oh my god my most used emoji it's the oh i can't even show it because you guys aren't gonna see okay you have to actually verbally describe what you just did okay it's like you know the one where like the tongue sticks out and then one eye's going up and one eye's going sideways. The crazy tongue. The crazy I'm wild. I'm funny and wild. I'm crazy.

That one. That was my absolute favourite. I'm quite a sarcastic person so that kind of like, you know, tones down the seriousness. That is something we need to tell the listeners. We are both very sarcastic so remember not to take what we say too literally. Very sarcastic. but then we can be very serious

when we want to be can't we you just have to have that balance keep you guys guessing I also want to know what's the last thing you googled oh my god what's the last thing I googled let's go on safari

god you've really put me on the spot here the last thing I googled... Let's go on Safari. God, you've really put me on the spot here. The last thing I... Wordle. What's that? Have you not done Wordle? Every day, I do Wordle. It's like, you go on Safari, you type in Wordle. You have to do it after, because it's like a little...

It's a little mind game. It's a little word game. I've actually lost my things. Oh, I hope not. It's fine, though. I don't need my... Oh. Don't worry guys, nothing

dodgy going on. Every morning I kind of like warm up my brain. So it's just like this little thing that you just guess the word. It's like what you get in like a newspaper or something. God, that could have been dangerous. No, I'm joking. I'm not up to anything. Okay, right. So let's

get straight into it. So let's go back to Mini Millie. Aww, that's her. Aww, little baby. Tell me about Mini Millie. Your childhood, your upbringing. Were you active? What was your relationship with food like? Right, okay, so where do I even begin?

My upbringing, so to set a scene, I'm 24 now. I grew up in Berkshire so very nice I grew up with a very like very comfortable comfortable upbringing upbringing I guess have four no three siblings I went wrong on that one um and yeah I went to Catholic primary school went to all girls secondary school I did too no way I went to a primary school, went to all girls secondary school. I did too. No way. I went to a Catholic school and an all girls secondary school. Oh my God,

we'll be able to sing like choir or what you call hymns together. Yeah. Anyway, and then I started dancing when I was three. So I was, I kind of wanted to be a dancer when I was growing up,

like a professional dancer. That was my like dream job. I did ballet, tap, national, modern, point. I did it all. I did festivals tap national modern point I did it all I did festivals no way you did it as well oh my god we are so alike so that was that I can't I don't even know how much detail to go into really because I don't know much

so what was it like you were obviously quite active then very active what was your relationship with food like from what you can remember so honestly I was like very free I remember my mum would pack me packed lunches I have like we would always go to Costco which is if you don't know it's like this big wholesale place and you get like massive muffins and croissants and like honestly I loved food I loved it so yeah I never really had an issue with it and then it got to this point I can't't remember the exact age, but I remember I was visiting my grandma's house, sitting in bed before going to bed and I was on my laptop.

I was actually quite young and I had a laptop, so, you know, I don't really know how old I was. Roughly, like 10? No, I'd say like 14. Okay. 14, 15, 14, I'd say. I was looking through Tumblr because that was what it was then

and I saw like an Australian, she was like a very famous Australian model Okay. 14, 15, 14, I'd say. I was looking through Tumblr because that was what it was then. And I saw like an Australian, she was like a very famous Australian model. And I was like quite obsessed with her. And I would like always like fantasize about having her body. And like, she just looked great. But I never did it in an unhealthy way. I was just like, oh, she looks like really nice and skinny.

Like that's what I want to be like. But because all my friends like thought, you know, being skinny was the best way to be. Like it just felt very normal to think like that. And then she posted this 1,200-calorie diet on Tumblr, and I thought, oh, OK, maybe that's what I need to do to be like her. Like, oh, I never thought this is the little trick that everyone does. So before this, I had no idea about calories.

I had no idea about food. I didn't really think about it. Literally the morning after, I remember so vividly waking up, going downstairs, not having my usual bowl of cereal that my grandma would give me and I'd just have like some some fruit like a banana or an apple and I would get my calculator on my phone I think it was like my iPod touch then and I would just calculate try well try and estimate how many calories I was having in a day and that that was it. That literally sparked everything after that. So... Would you say that Tumblr post was the one trigger for you then? Yeah.

Wow. I really... Yeah. That just goes to show, doesn't it? Like, the impact that just one social media post can have. Just completely changes your whole mentality. Yeah.

Completely. But obviously, at that age, you're so naive. You don't really know. Like, you don't really think about these things and you just kind of trust so much in what other people are doing around you so then obviously because I was a dancer I was like doing my leotard every evening after school hours and hours of dancing I would

always be looking at myself in the mirror staring at other people's bodies obviously this is like a very gradual thing like it wouldn't be straight away but it just became a lot more aware to me you notice i know just a lot yeah yeah about your body and body checking and comparing yourself to other yeah absolutely and then it was like a ripple effect after that i would look at do you remember blog yeah oh my god so i was obsessed with her i would do every single one of our workouts every single one of our ab workouts guys i was obsessed with trying to have abs and do you know what I've actually gone back to our first check-in yeah I'll bring this up in a minute and I've read some of your previous check-ins and it's so focused on your abs oh my god yeah I don't even remember writing those you know like that's gonna be really interesting to hear about those later yeah so

yeah and with dance obviously there's like this it's really sad because it is still like this but a lot of dance teachers make comments about your weight and how much you've eaten or like you know my dance teacher would point at my tummy and be like oh you've obviously just had dinner I don't know just little things like that yeah and it would always make us like we'd always us as like dancers and friends in class we're just like kind of laugh it off but I really do think at that age as well you're so impression impressionable and you really just take on whatever anyone says to you so also during that dance like during the whole dance phase every Friday I'd have like massive Friday feast with what would you call it with my friend instantly

stopped that I was like I don't want to do that anymore because it's not having like unnecessary calories and all that stuff so it started with that and then yeah obviously like everyone else that i've spoken to about going on diets and stuff you see it all online and you followed diets and everything so after this did you visibly started started start getting really quite skinny yeah well to be fair i think i was always very slim like i didn't need to lose weight. No. But I did, when I started to see abs, I would still not really be that satisfied. I'd be like, oh, I could get a bit more leaner. So I'd do it again and again.

I'd do ab workouts every day. But I would never really appreciate where I was. I never really thought that I was like that. Lean enough. Yeah, like that Australian model that I saw on Tumblr. But obviously I look back on it now and I'm like, Amelia, you were even more so. This is something that I guess all girls can relate to that body dysmorphia that completely overpowers

your logical but again like i had no idea what body dysmorphia was i think it's like i've only recently discovered it when i went through my weight gain journey i literally had no idea that that brain could possibly do that like actually make you physically see something that's completely different to what other people are seeing in the mirror. It honestly blows my mind, even when I think about it now. And, yeah, and I think because my friends were on diets

and my family were on diets and all this stuff, it just normalised it so much to me and it just got worse and worse. And my dance teachers would start commenting on my way and I would be like, honestly, it would make really bad arguments in my house. Like, my mum mum would address it with me and yeah this is what I wanted to ask you about like at what point did your friends and family start questioning what you were doing and trying

to kind of pull you out of that I think it was like year 11 year 12 at six form fit six form time so that's quite a few years after being in this rut um of course so you really were struggling with this for a long time oh my god such a long time I can't even tell you because yeah because like I honestly it is it was so ingrained in me that's how I saw how life is going to be that's how I lived my life I didn't know anything different because when you're younger as well like even before when I started all this dieting stuff, you don't really remember much before. Only like holidays and stuff.

Like I really did build this whole life and grew up with this way of thinking. And now that I'm out of it, obviously, thank God, but I can't believe I'm out of it really because I didn't know anything else. It was normal. It was so normal for me. It was just how you lived.

Yeah, it was just autopilot. Okay, so talk to me about uni. How was that like for you? Because I can't imagine, like, I know it was not easy for you to navigate uni life, freshers going out, like, social occasions. Yeah, so even before I went to uni, I went travelling by myself,

which I don't think many people know. And I went travelling for, like, six months. And that was kind of a taster of what uni would be like in the sense that you meet new people you're by yourself you're kind of growing as an adult being a bit more independent so even then I was obviously still counting my calories trying to get all the steps in and oh it actually really saddens me because there were so many incredible opportunities I missed out on during travelling because I was scared of eating or drinking. And I was scared of not moving for a certain amount of time.

I was scared of not getting my steps in. So I missed out on a lot, which I will make up for. I will. I always promise myself that I will. So then I came back from travelling, went to uni. And obviously with uni, it's very sociable. You go out all the time. And I saw this phrase the other day, and it's called drunkorexia. And it's basically this thing where you restrict so much in the day

so that you can allow yourself to drink alcohol. And that's what I did, honestly, throughout the whole uni. I would restrict so much in the days I knew that I was going out because I wanted to save those calories for alcohol. And alcohol, obviously, like, it doesn't move into energy. It's empty calories. Yeah, it has nothing. Yeah, like, alcohol has seven calories per gram,

but it's not going to give you any nutritional benefit at all. So it's just completely empty, toxic in your body. So I was really, yeah, not eating, literally not eating. And I don't want to say how much I was eating, because it could be triggering for some people, but it was just very low. And I, at the the time had no idea I just I was like okay like this is kind of makes sense to do this and I look back at pictures of you when you're at uni and you just you you look so different you just you can see how empty yeah you look and how lost you look and like

you're you are glowing now like oh honey you are and like everyone can see it but it's crazy how much even like your aura and your facial expressions have changed my facial expressions my actual even like my voice voice expressions my vocal yeah i actually don't know how i i generally lived i really don't i don't know how i made friends i don't know how people actually wanted to be friends with me as brutal as it sounds like I was really empty and dead and there was just no interest in me I had no interest in anyone else I was just interested in food and my body and I'm sure you had this as well but I remember when I went through my phase of like massively over restricting and starving myself and all of this i could not for the life of me

enjoy any social situation any meal out any time of friends because the whole entire time i'd be trying to work out in my head how many calories were in that meal yeah how i was going to compensate by doing cardio the next day like my brain was not in the moment it was just wrapped up in all of it so you're never living in the present moment. Never, ever. And you may think, because I also thought this, I was like, I don't know if this is the right way to live. But I would still go through with it. I would still cut my calories.

I would still do all of that. And I always told myself, well, I obviously am making memories because I'm here right now and I'm obviously going out with my friends. But guys, when I tell you the brain fog is real, I actually don't remember half the stuff at uni. really don't I can't look back and relive those memories because yeah maybe I did actually live that but I don't remember it and I'm if I don't remember it now I'm not I'm not gonna remember when I'm 40 years old or 50 so I was telling my kids how much fun I had at uni whatever because to be in the real like world I didn't and

it was probably because your body was trying so hard to just power through to keep you alive and functioning that there was no chance you were actually going to be like remembering yeah like storing those memories and what's also funny is that I was studying psychology at uni so I was learning all about this and I was in such denial because it's a scary thing to admit to it's so scary and you feel embarrassed and you feel like people are gonna judge you and you just feel stupid and also you just feel even more stupid because i think when you're out of it it was so obvious that you were stuck and you were suffering and everyone else around you could see that but no one knew how to approach it with you no one knew so it was just like i just felt stupid and even now i'm like i just i was so stupid it was just like, I just felt stupid. And even now I'm like, I was so stupid. It's just annoying.

That actually leads on well to another question I have. So if you could turn back time and talk to your, I don't know, 17, 18 year old self, what would you tell her? I'm sure you'd want to shake her. I would absolutely want to shake her and slap her on the face. Self-love though, self-love. What would you tell her? Say little Millie sat here with us

right now starving herself and not eating enough what would you what would you tell her if you want to live your life like this fair enough but you have to remember that you could literally die at any point anyone around you could die at any point like generally i know it sounds so morbid but it's seriously so true and you just don't know when your last day is and I mean to be fair I was I was dead I had already died my like my mental brain had actually died so I kind of felt that in some way and I just want to tell her like you know it's not worth it you know that counting calories and being and like calories that you were counting and obviously restricting so much you know it's not and being and like calories that you were counting and obviously

restricting so much you know it's not worth it and you know that inevitably you're going to have to come out of it so why are you going to waste such vital amazing years of your life when you're young and free why do that when you can look i've got goosebumps oh honey i'm just so proud of you oh that's the thing, life is for living, and food is such an important part of that. It sounds so cliche. Food is so important. I really don't think anyone realises.

They really don't. And I never realised. I really didn't. I'd hear people say it. I'd listen to all these health and fitness podcasts, listen to everything about losing your period, and, I don't know like gut health and all this stuff I was just trying to get on with everything and like learn everything but I would

never fully like apply it to myself and it was because I was in denial and it was because I thought that yeah these people are saying that but I'm kind of different I just thought I was different it's like most people you can never really like take that on that you're the one actually suffering so yeah i would tell her that i would just say it's you know it's not worth it you know and it's inevitable you're gonna have to come out of it if you want to have a happy healthy life you know that there's going to be a point where you're going to need to remove yourself from that so why wait and i'm bloody glad you did okay god you're here with me with me as well. So let's, you know, talk about that transformation journey.

I want to know, is there a day, was there a trigger that made you think, do you know what, I'm going to stop this. I'm going to change and I'm going to transform. Yeah. So there was a day, I remember, in lockdown, so in 2020, I remember I was wearing this, like, blue, so I'm getting really detailed, but I'm reliving this. I love the detail. I was wearing this like blue so I'm getting really detailed but I'm reliving this I love the detail I was wearing this blue workout like workout set and I looked at myself in the

mirror and I was taking some pictures and I was like oh like you actually look really skinny like those arms I was like kind of analyzing everything I was like my veins I was like I don't know if I'm attracted to that like I don't think that looks very nice but I kind of just brushed off went back downstairs made my, which was very low calorie, got on with my day. And then a couple of days after that, my friend, my best friend messaged me. She asked me if I was okay. And I was like, what do you mean? And then she went into it and she said, well, you're just looking really skinny. And a lot of people who I know and who are friends with you as well, they've kind of come to me and asked if you're okay.

So I just want to ask if you're okay. And she's someone that just doesn't address. She hates being serious. She hates addressing things like this. So when I saw that message, my heart dropped. I was like, oh my God. It kind of hit you that something was wrong. It was just, yeah, really not a nice feeling.

And so I said to myself, right, okay, I'm going to just try to change this. And then at the time, I still had my fitness account, which is actually called Amelia Jufa. I uploaded a post then and I said, and it was of me in that blue workout set. And I made this post about weight gain. And I said, look, I'm going to try gain weight. And at the time, I actually didn't see anyone gain weight on Instagram.

So I was petrified for saying this on Instagram, let alone my page, which was like also all about kind of staying lean and, you know. Abs. You know, yeah, abs. So it was a completely different avenue that I was going down. And I got so much support. And I did up my calories a bit. But as always, I was scared.

And I went to visit my uni friends back in Brighton once COVID restrictions were kind of eased and one of them said like are you still gaining weight like how is it going kind of questioning it and I was like oh shit like I'm obviously not getting away with this like I thought I could get away with the fact that I'm saying I'm gaining weight but not actually really actually not actually gaining weight yeah like I have up my calories but I'm not actually seeing the weight gain on me so I was kind of caught red-handed there and about a couple of weeks after that was when we connected and I think I replied to a story of a transformation that you posted and I was like oh I love it like I can't remember I just showed

my interest in you didn't I yeah yeah I think you did a couple of times yeah and I think you were apprehensive of actually committing because you know once you sign up to online coaching or whatever it's kind of like what's happening now someone else is now holding you accountable which is what it takes a lot of the time to make that change yeah so yeah so we were kind of new we knew each other we followed each other for a long time by the way I don't know why you followed me because I was just like I had like what a thousand followers I was just like kind of not really I don't know how I found your account I don't but clearly I loved your stuff from day one I found over here from the beginning um so yeah anyway we connected and Emma I you know what I don't know if

I told you this but I came to you wanting to to still lose weight but kind of like body recomp but I've got I've got your overall goal right here in front of me oh my god do you want to read it yeah I'll read it so I want to gain a little bit of muscle around my glutes not any fat gain I also want to get stronger in my upper body and my abs I want to stop being so self-conscious about my skinny arms I've always had a slim physique and sometimes a girl would just like a little bit of a curve while maintaining some ab oh my god I'm actually crying I'm actually crying I've never had this before overall I want to feel confident and not constantly feel like people look at me and think she's so skinny. Hopefully this journey will also help me regain my period again.

I can't believe that. I'm all pink. I know. I don't know, I think it's just because I've never heard about it before. And reading that as well makes me see like at the beginning and especially from what you've just told me it was like you're doing it for other people yeah but luckily throughout this journey you found yourself and you realized you needed to do it for you and you know you've stepped into the best version of you now yeah and guys can I say like I obviously

from that you can you can see that I had no intention to actually gain weight. And obviously the weight gain that I've actually gained, I think it's been like 20 kg or something now. Yeah, about 20 kilos, yeah. I had no intention. And so, obviously, I went to Emma. Didn't want to gain weight. I didn't, I, she said, let's go on a reverse diet. I heard diet and I was like, this is great.

Yeah. It's just another diet that I can, you know, follow. And you were very very very resistant at first and you kept wanting to go backwards and stop maintain not not continue oh god it's mental can i read a check-in yeah are you sure i'm gonna hold myself yes okay so this is november 2020 you were 53 kilos uh around sort of four five weeks into your weight gain journey so this is your check-in hey emma i've been feeling really low in terms of my body image this week especially after seeing the measurements go up and increase especially around my stomach and waist i know

measurements fluctuate but i definitely look fuller so i'm just not liking how i look at all and seeing my abs disappear but i guess that's just part of the process and then you say about how you're finding it really hard to eat your food and your mindset is holding you back carbs are hard to it to hit I can't believe I even like would say that to you as well because I think this just shows how much trust I had in you because guys when I say I haven't even spoken to my mum properly about this which is crazy I just don't speak really to anyone about it I obviously now speak to my friends about it all the time but in that moment when I was little Millie I I found that so hard to tell you I did because I was just like so embarrassed and it just yeah it just shows I had so much trust in you. I think, you know, for anyone who is going through a weight gain journey,

I know how scary it is. I know how daunting it is to go in that opposite direction and how you feel completely out of control. I get that. Out of control. But this is why you need someone to hold your hand a lot of the time and to be there and support you

and, you know, pull you through it when you are having those doubts and stuff yeah but so many doubts i will read a positive check-in just a couple of weeks after that okay so any of you guys who are listening to this who you know you might be having those similar sort of feels right now that millie did about you know abs disappearing weight going up and i know a lot of you guys you come to me and you you have the same worries so that that is a lot of the time yeah at the beginning but it does get better and it does change and your mindset starts to change so this is a check-in a couple of weeks later you say I've got to say I'm feeling really

different now I'm really enjoying this new phase I feel like my body is responding so well and I was actually looking at my bum this morning and I cannot believe how much it has grown it looks like a proper peach that's what I wanted and then you say I've been reflecting so much recently and my mindset as well has just improved like crazy genuinely words cannot describe my love and gratitude for you and then you actually say weight gain just isn't popular at all on Instagram. So no matter who it is, it's always going to be a hard goal to stick with. And this is what I want to say to you. Like, I'm so proud of you because you're right.

Weight gain back then was not popular. It was not spoken about. It was not trendy. Not trending. You have made that change on social media and you are leading the way for weight gain. You are like you are such an inspiration. Like you are changing the lives of so many women I can't believe that honestly do you feel proud of yourself I do I really do but also there is that imposter syndrome because I do always doubt myself but that is something I'm working on because it's crazy now because that's all I see

is just being your healthiest self and a lot of people that I see on Instagram are on a weight gain journey and I can't believe that I kind of did I start you started it I mean I'm sure there were people out there of course but you really went for it and you showed all authentic parts of your journey the highs the lows everything you you really did lead the way on social media and now it is trendy it's a cool thing hashtag gaining weight yeah hashtag game of the mini baby if you don't follow give it a follow um but yeah like it i am proud i am proud i I can honestly happily say that this has definitely been the most proudest thing I've ever done,

and also to my family as well. Like, my family can't be proud enough of me because, you know, like, there was always this kind of competition in my family and between my siblings, and I always just thought that I would only kind of get recognition from my parents from doing good at school or, like, getting a trophy in dance, and never ever did I

think that they would they all they needed from me was to just stop being my grumpy very deficient self as a teenager and just be a nice daughter to be around and someone who's actually healthy and happy just happy glowing you raid, you literally radiate happiness. You do. I don't know how that's possible, but I love that. You do. And I guess that's come from, like, achieving this healthy lifestyle, this balanced approach with health and fitness.

Yeah. Like, you know, weight gain, I think some people associate that with just gaining weight. But it's not. It's gaining happiness. It's gaining freedom. It's gaining life. And also, guys, like, I don't want to sound woo-woo here. Like, you know, cuckoo. Woo! gaining weight but it's not it's gaining happiness gaining freedom it's gaining life and also guys

like i i don't want to sound woo-woo here like you know cuckoo manifestation right can i just talk a little bit oh yeah we can have a whole episode we can we will have a whole episode on this but weight gain has opened up this door to all the other goals and dreams i wanted to achieve and you know why that is because the one thing that was stopping me or stopping these dreams to be manifested was was like that weight loss thing that all these little brain bullies that I had in my head and they were like little barriers they were barriers and as soon as I picked them out the way punch those out the way and I gained weight and I just did everything opposite

to what I thought I should be doing that's when everything else came to life like Instagram for example I have gained a whole community you've gained a community you change lives you've got that's so valuable to me yeah it's a career now it's a career and yeah it just shows it just goes to show like you had to face You just have to face your fears. And you know what? I've got a quote, but I'm going to say that to the end. Because we're actually going to end every single poddy episode with a quote. With a quote.

But it's very aligned to that quote. Oh. Okay. Well, on that note, what do you think has been the most eye-opening thing about weight gain? There's so much to it. Oh my God. but can you pinpoint one thing most eye-opening thing about weight gain is oh god i guess i i just sound like a broken record but abs do not define me and that's all i can say abs don't define me and that's so eye

opening for me when i do look back at your check-ins it was so ab focused i don't want to lose my ab. Oh my God, my abs are going. I generally thought people liked me for my abs. Oh my God, I remember you once, quite a few times actually, would be like, can you add more abs into my workout program? Oh my God. I want to do more abs.

Yes. And I would be like, no, Millie. You don't need to be training abs more than that. And actually with a lot of my clients who are on a weight gain journey and who are underweight and who are struggling with these body dysmorphia thought they all have this common kind of pattern of wanting to train abs every day i had i did it every day you did every day i kept telling you stop it yeah yeah and i just i just do some heavy squats honestly i thought if i if i stop training my abs they're gonna go and if my abs go my value is gone and it's just mental so i think that's the most eye-opening thing but

obviously there's so many eye-opening things yeah like there's so many eye-opening things okay so now i'm gonna just ask you a few questions i guess kind of related to some topics that you've been talking about on instagram lately. One of them being, you look really nervous. Yeah, I don't know what you're going to ask me. So this is a question that I actually get from a lot of my clients as well, which I think will be insightful for you to answer. How do you deal with people commenting on what you eat or how much you're eating? I actually post about this all day.

And I would just give a massive middle finger up to them. No, honestly, it's so hard to not compare yourself and like how much you eat to how much your housemate eats or your mum or whatever like honestly it's so hard and it is still something that I not a struggle with but like it does pop in my head but then I know how to ignore it and it really is just trusting your body and trusting what you want and your cravings like everyone is so different we are all genetically made up with thousands of different things and like honestly there's not one person that is like you in this world and you have to stop living or like following what someone else eats hoping that you you're going to look like them. Or if not even that,

like you're just hoping that you're going to be okay. It's just a comfort thing. I think you just have to be so confident in your own decision and what you're doing. And this is what I tell my clients. You just have to say, I'm doing what I need. Trust, it's just trust, it really is.

The same sort of thing as like, I don't really like alcohol for no other reason than I just don't really, I don't really like the taste of it. I don't like being drunk. I can't have hangover. So I don't really like alcohol for no other reason than I just don't really I don't really like to taste it I don't like being drunk and I can't have hangover so I don't really drink I might drink like a couple times a year and I always get asked why are you not drinking one shot isn't gonna hurt you oh you're so obsessed with the calories so I'm like no I just don't want to drink I'd much rather have a lovely glass of water and I used to fake and pretend like oh i can't i'm

on antibiotics or i can't because of this or that but now i'm just i literally i'm just confident don't want it just own it i i don't want it and the same with food you just say you know if someone says oh you're eating a lot or oh that's um you're gonna finish all that your eighth meal today yeah you say yeah it is and i'm loving it yeah and i bet you'd i bet you'd want another eighth meal so you're just jealous it is that though it is that you just have to own it and i would definitely get a lot of comments from you know the older generations more um and even people online to be honest but i just trusted myself and i know what works for me and even if you don't know what works with you you're not going to know by following other people you're just going to have to ride your own boat

and do what you really want to do. If you want to have seconds and you're really just you're just holding back so much because no one else is going up for seconds, just own it just fucking, sorry I'm finishing this up but I just get so passionate about it, you just have to do it and it's hard, it is hard

but you just have to do it, trial and error think what would millie do what would millie do yeah which is really cute because some people actually do that i know that's really cute okay so i mean that's obviously a bit of a challenge but what would you say your biggest struggle or challenge is in your health and fitness journey right now um because you've kind of gone through the weight gain journey you're kind of just living your best life what's my biggest thing now I guess my biggest thing now because I don't really have any fitness goals currently and I think that is a struggle for me because ever since starting the gym even you know when I was dancing all the time I always had like a fitness goal to work towards so I always had some sort of direction or drive and now I'm just kind of relying on the drive of just

loving the gym and working out when I want to work out working out when I don't want not working out when I don't want to work out and I don't know I think that is a struggle because sometimes I feel a bit lost yeah but it's a good thing to to not always have something to work towards because you have to do just kind of live your life maintenance yeah like I think a lot of people think they've either got a bulk or cut or you know be working on some specific physique goal or a date but sometimes it's so important to just be in maintenance and live your life and practice these healthy habits and behaviors and you know go to the gym because it makes you feel great eat healthy foods or you

know fun like if it fits your macros type food whatever you want to do and just live your life like you don't always need to be on a weight gain journey or a fat loss journey and i think social media does definitely like exacerbate that and make it hard because everyone seems to be on on some sort of journey some sort of journey. But you have to remember that is largely people on social media who have a job and who kind of need to have that direction

and that focus. Yeah. But also just don't be scared or don't feel like pressurised to have a goal. To be working towards something. Because I think

it all just, you have to be, it sounds so cliche again, but you just have to love yourself no matter what stage in your journey you are or if you're just at maintenance. You just have to love yourself no matter what stage in your journey you are or if you're just at maintenance you just have to always always always love yourself because

then you'll never be satisfied and I am satisfied now because I love myself like I do yeah we're all about self-love here you know like yeah I can have like little mini goals here and there throughout my year or whatever but at the end of the day I'm always just going to be satisfied with where I am at I'm not trying to chase for anything else or like prove to anyone anything. I'm just me. Yeah. And you can have like little mini goals in your training, like little strength goals. Yeah.

But you know, these goals now, thankfully, extend beyond just how you look. Yeah. It's your career, your friends, your like life goals. Yeah, life goals always as well. It doesn't always have to be a health and fitness goal. No, it's true. And letting go of that sometimes enables you to work on these other goals. Yeah, absolutely.

That's actually so true. I, myself, I'm actually starting a fat loss phase next week. But for me, in the past, it would have been, like, because I want to get skinny. Because I want to get my abs. Because I used to think that I would only be appreciated on Instagram or have any sort of like influence if I had abs and that was my mindset and that was the whole kind of purpose behind doing a cut unfortunately but now if I want to go for a little fat loss phase it's because like I've been for a muscle building phase and I want to see the muscle built it's more of like an art yeah like just like I don't like being proud of I guess like also showing off what you've

been working for yeah like you can definitely like change the mindset that you're you're adopting when going through like a physique goal like now it's not to get skinny it's just or to seek approval no it's just you know having a little goal to work towards. It's just having a goal, yeah. So yeah, there's nothing wrong with not having a goal. Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with having a goal. Absolutely.

You just got to do it out of self love. Do your thing. Yeah, yeah. Own it. Just own it. You know? Okay, well, I feel like. I feel like that was a good episode.

A good episode. Wow, we had tears. We had laughs. I want to ask you one more question. Okay. Just to round off that little interview okay so

if you were on Defro and you had one more meal to eat what would it be I hate this question I don't know why

I hate this question actually you know why I hate this question is because I'm such a foodie yeah a foodie and there's too much and I'm very indecisive

like when I when you see me going out for restaurants, I just never know what to order. Anyway, my last meal, sweet or savoury? You can have both. Oh, okay. You can have dessert, girl.

Dessert, definitely. I think it's going to have to be like some sort of apple crumble with custard or apple strudel. You can tell she likes her sweet stuff because she's having dessert first. Yeah, I know what I like. So an apple strudel, really? Yeah, like apple strudel with custard or like apple crumble. I think more apple crumble because I's having dessert first. I know what I like. So an apple strudel, really? Apple strudel, custard or apple crumble. I think more apple crumble because I like the crumb.

Chunky crumb. And then for my savoury meal, I would probably have, oh god, I wouldn't have meat. Because I don't eat meat. Surely you'd want a little bit of sourdough on there. I would have done sourdough.

You know what, actually, I think I'd probably have some sort of meze. So you little bit of sourdough on there oh i would have done sourdough you know what actually i think i probably have like some sort of meze so you've got the sourdough the hummus oh a bit of like a greek platter yeah the olives caramelized onion oh yeah yeah i think that although i do love pizza making me hungry i do love pizza you know what you could just go all out and get like a platter of everything of everything yeah I'll just I'll cheat it I'll cheat the system I'll do that can I ask you that question oh my god okay I would have I I think I'd have like a good pasta meal oh okay yeah yeah yeah I can imagine you having that yeah yeah no good a good amount of cheese. A good amount of cheese. Give me that block. Give me a block of cheese. I would definitely have some sort of like Oreo or Biscoff milkshake.

Mmm, milkshake. Yeah, I'd have a drink there. A drink, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I'm thinking this through. Oh, I like that. And then for dessert, I would have... Oh, so you've had... No, that's cheating.

Why? You can't have milkshake and a dessert. Because milkshake is a sweet thing. Nope, that's my drink. Okay, well, I'll have milkshake and a dessert. Because milkshake is a sweet thing. Nope, that's my drink. Okay, well, I'll have milkshake and dessert. Okay. Order me one. What would I have for dessert?

Probably... I'd probably have, like, a Nutella crap. Oh, yeah. Can't go wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can so see that happening. Cannot go wrong. Yeah, you do, like, actually.

You love your Nutella. I'm so hungry. Oh, my God. Is that the end of the episode, then? I think that's the end of the episode. I feel like there's still so much to cover in that, but we'll obviously... Quote, quote, quote. Yeah, quote, quote, quote.

We need a quote. Okay, what's your quote? My quote, guys, are you ready? My quote is, just because it's hard doesn't mean it's impossible. You can do it. You can. And that is my quote. And it may not be like a rhyming quote, but it's so true.

And I had to always remind myself that. Yeah. It is hard. Like what I was going through, it is hard. But that doesn't mean it's impossible. And I did it and I proved that. So yeah, that was my quote. Even things like that, like simple quotes, I think it's good to put those as your wallpaper on your phone.

I used to do that. I've got my manifestation wallpaper. Do you? Oh, I love that. My old screensaver used to be, be the energy you want to attract. Yeah, I like that as well. And it was that for like two years. That's so true.

Law of attraction. So is that your quote or have you gone? No, I've got another quote. God, I'm giving you two. You're such a cheat. Treating you. Mine is the five by five rule. Okay, I'm interested.

And I live by this. I really do. If it's not going to matter in five years, do not spend more than five minutes being upset about it. So true. One of the worst things about me is that I am such an anxious person. I overthink and worry and think worst case scenario of everything. Me too, honey. So I have to tell myself this.

And I'm like, if it does not matter, even in five months, five years, do not spend more than five minutes worrying about it. There's no need. I love that. I'm going to use that in my day-to-day life. And you're going to buy yourself a loomie. I am going to buy myself a loomie, I promise. And I'm going to clear out my camera.

Yeah, you are. Yes, you are. Anyway, so for the next episode, make sure you check out our Instagram so you can put in your little questions, little queries that we can answer. We'll be your agony aunts. We will.

We'll be your agony aunts. We will. We'll be your agony aunts. But I hope you guys loved the episode. I actually had so much fun doing this. I had so much fun. I hope it's not too long. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Thank you. Bye.

We'll see you in the next one. Bye. Bye. Bye.