Real Girls Radio - EP 13: Misha Grimes - Pageant shows, being on Disney Channel and suffering with an eating disorder

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

grab some snacks and chillax whilst Misha and I chat ABOUT...Misha's upbringing in Pageant shows, being on Disney Channel, dealing with grief and her past poor relationship with food. Misha has gone through a LOT in her life, including losing her dad last year, growing up on Youtube and learning to reflect and grow stronger every day. This episode is light-hearted and comedic, but also has elements of relatability and important topics that we cover. You'll enjoy this oneMisha's Instagram: @mishagrimesSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/e-1-the-unheard-truth-of-millys-journey. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Love this podcast? Support this show through the Acast Supporter feature. It's up to you how much you give and there's no regular commitment. Just hit the link in the show description to support now. Hello guys and welcome back to Real Girls Radio. Thank you so much for tuning in. Oh, we got a guest! Misha Grimes, hello. Hello. How are you?

Good Are you happy to be here? I am Second time lucky Oh yeah guys Of course So we actually We

I was We Not we Just Millie It was me There's something I would do So I can't even complain I

I booked the wrong time So I booked 9.30pm So 9.30am Yeah And so we came here at 9.30am We realised at the time we were like shit and so now but we're here it's fine it's the same day it's not a few hours later nothing's changed nothing's changed so um misha yes i i googled you and you know what because i don't

know how to introduce guests so i usually i like ask you how to introduce yourself like you know what? Because I don't know how to introduce guests. So I usually, I like ask you how to introduce yourself, like, you know, and what you do and whatever. But I saw this bio on Google. No, stop. You found a bio of me. Shall I read it? Shall I read it? Yes, please.

Okay. No, I'm scared. YouTube sensation Misha Grimes is a major personality in the online world. Can I ask where this was from? What website has written this about me? I can't remember. Okay.

Posting videos about fashion, lifestyle, and beauty, Misha's channel has taken off. Her charming ways have ensured a lively and loyal following. Interacting with her fans on a regular basis, Misha shares her journey constantly. Would you say that's accurate? I think somewhat. I feel like pre-COVID,

all my channel was about was like fashion and like beauty and stuff like that. Whereas now, I think it's a lot more diverse. Yeah, I see that. Because lives have changed a lot. So like, I wouldn't call myself a fashion influencer. I'd call myself a lifestyle influencer now. Whereas when I started, it was like fashion, fashion, fashion.

Yeah. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. When yeah when did you start oh my god like five years ago yeah see this is like wait how old were you so it was just before my 18th birthday yeah that I started uploading in January when I was 17 and then my 18th birthday was in February so it's been like what like five and a half years now don't it freaks me out you were showing me pictures of you like when you're in your younger days no and you really have changed a lot I feel yeah it's weird yeah I feel like you look back at yourself yeah and you can see yourself in it but then also you're like sorry who was that person yeah no I so agree no that's like me for sure yeah but then also you're like, sorry, who was that person? Yeah, no, I so agree. No, that's like me for sure. But I actually don't,

like, do you identify with younger self? To be fair, I actually do in some respects, but in other ways, for like a certain few years of my life, I feel like I just wasn't even the same human that I am now or the human that I was before. Like I feel like I had like a few years where I just i feel like i just wasn't even the same human yeah or the human that i was before yeah like i feel like i had like a few years where i just kind of lost yeah in everything god um anyway we haven't even started with a flop and fly oh so let's just because that's what we do

yeah here on real girls radio so would you like to go first with the flop i mean let's go for it i'm actually reading a book right now and in in it, they have your, it's like your sweet and something else. It's like another word for flop and fly. Oh, sweet and sour. I can't remember what it was, but I was like, oh my God, how funny that you do that. And the book that I was reading. It is my idea. Yeah.

I can't say I've taken it from that book. Trademark. They've taken it from me. Yeah, of course. The book by Colleen Hoover that was written in 2013. She got in Billy's brain before she even started social media. She just read my mind.

She did. Okay, so to not lower the tone, but I feel like flop is probably an obvious one. Like, the queen died yesterday. Oh, God, yeah. It's just so sad. And I feel like no matter what you think about the royal family, it's not nice. No. has passed away like that's someone's grandma that's someone's

mom like it's so sad she did literally feel like a grandma yeah and i feel like even though like i haven't really followed the royal family that much like she just seems like a really sweet old lady i know she seemed really cute really cute so like like, I feel like there's just, like, a sad symbol. Yeah, yeah, very. Everywhere. Yeah. So that was my flop. And then, what was it? Flip.

A fly. Flip, flop, flip. Flip, flop, fly, flip. My fly. So, my mum actually went on, this doesn't really, like, matter. Like, it's not my fly. Yeah. I'm going to use it anyway.

Because it makes me happy. So my mum went on her first girls holiday since probably before I was born, and she had a really good time, and genuinely, it made me wanna cry with happiness. What a babe! I know, but I just went to Ibiza. Wow!

Is she like a party queen? No, she doesn't drink. Yeah, they went out to dinners. Yeah, oh, okay, so different Ibiza. There was no high clubbing. she doesn't she doesn't drink wow yeah they went out to dinners yeah oh okay so no difference there was no like high like yeah yeah yeah clubbing none of that yeah no yeah god your mum seems like such a cool girl oh shit no she's so you would love her so when i was googling i came across like pageant pictures which we will be talking about yeah i hope that's okay of course we're gonna be talking about that and i saw your mum did it as well so did you do it together so this

is where i feel like a lot of people probably have this assumption of like my mum forced me into pageants etc etc but actually i'd been doing them for maybe like three years when i forced her into doing it and i was like there's other mother and daughters that do it like we should do it together so then she did it for maybe like two or three years so you go on stage together no no absolutely not I'm in the team she's in the missus there's no there's no competition between each other they're completely different entities. Different days. Different competitions. Yeah, so it's just like- A nice thing to do together. Practicing together, do you practice?

To be fair, we probably used to- Oh, it makes me cringe. Oh my God, no, I wanna hear all about it. I wanna hear all about it. No, but we used to like, basically, what you do is like rent out like a room in like the gym. You know like the studio in the gym? Yeah.

And then you just like bring your heels. Oh, yes. And you just like strut around and practice. So it's kind of like, like what I'm imagining is like, you know people do bikini comps and they get their heels on. Probably similar.

Yeah. But like less, I don't know what the term is, but I just feel like they're more, almost like polished I would say. Like I feel like when I see videos of bikini comps, like they're very like structured posing and stuff like that.

Whereas it's not like that. So I would like my assumption of pageants, which is very stereotypical, is that it's very like perfect. That's what I've always assumed. See, this is the thing. I grew up in pageants. I competed since I was 13 till I was 18 and before any of it I probably

would have had that idea of them as well yeah but having gone through it and like seeing how much the industry has like grown as well like it's not like that at all and it's so difficult because the amount of times you can say to people it's's not like that, it's not like that. But I'm very aware that I fit a stereotype. I'm a blonde girl. So it's difficult for me to be like, it's not like that. It's not all about stereotypes. But also, I competed for five years for a title that I wanted.

So it's not as if it was just like there you go eventually yeah we got wow oh my god what was the title so oh my god it literally feels like a lifetime like it feels like like a different person um so i competed in miss teen galaxy england which i won then we went went to America for the internationals. And then I won Miss Teen Galaxy International. So what does that actually mean? Galaxy as in, in the world? It's the thing is obviously they just have like their name.

Like it's not as if they actually like own the galaxy or like you're the best in the galaxy. I can't say that. So it was just that competition. and that was one that was national that was really good in the UK so I wanted to do the UK and like it's probably I would say the best teen pageant in the UK which is why I was like okay it's the best I'm gonna have to win it and I'm gonna win it and you did it yeah so do you win money some you do if you go see internationals you normally don't but i won a previous pageant oh i think i won like a grand okay but obviously they cost a lot of money to enter oh you have to pay to enter so you've got

to pay to enter there's so much you've got to pay for dresses outfits if you want hair and makeup done obviously like if you need to get your roots retouched before yeah like fake tan nails done like it's not a cheap hobby it's not cheap how are you that right now would you say like you know so say like in bikini comps or whatever well i know it's not incomparable but like no but i get it my brain i normally use toddlers and tiaras as an example oh yeah probably so much it is quite i have seen the little clips on like tiktok and stuff isn't that where that um honey boo boo child comes yes yes yes that's how i know it that's how i know anyway um so yeah with with like with these pageants are you allowed to enter if you've

got like filler in your face or something? Or is it all natural? As far as I'm aware, I've never seen a rule that's like, if you've got filler, you can't enter. So is it about, do they judge you on your looks? Or do they judge you? That's the thing. No. Because, so it's like split into categories.

And each category is a different percentage of your score so yeah it used to be swimwear but they no longer do swimwear for teens mostly because like miss teen usa is probably the biggest teen pageant but that's only in the us right they don't do swimwear anymore right um and so it used to be swimwear fashion wear which was basically just like a short dress like a like a fun little you know party moment yeah i love that and then evening wear and then interview so interview was a big part of it and then like you do like appearances before and like it was kind of when i think back to what i used to do like make public appearances like I have my little sash and all that stuff like it's kind of like OG influencing because you're like posting I was posting on Facebook every event I

was doing like I was having photo shoots I was posting them on Facebook you can see I feel like that was like the practice run for me to now be in this job wow It's really weird. So you kind of like, you were always destined to do what you're doing today. Do you think? I don't, I can't see myself or I couldn't have seen myself doing anything else, but I also didn't start it thinking it was a job. Like I had no clue.

As in social media? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally like. It's just like a side hustle, side hobby. It was just like a, oh my God, I'm really overly talkative. Oh my God, I love being in front of the camera. Oh my God, I love watching Zoella's videos.

I want to do something like that. So then I just uploaded and then- Here we are five and a half years later. And do you think like your pageant experience has affected your social media experience in the sense that like you're maybe like less caring about what people think of you or more caring about what people think of you. Yeah no definitely my dad was very much like I don't really care for you to do pageants like it wouldn't be my choice but you do what you want and then after I

finished all of it he was like actually I think it was one of the best things we ever did. He was like, because honestly, it's made you so much stronger. Like, I don't care. I didn't care because obviously you'd like to think everyone's delightful, everyone's lovely, everyone's friendly, but that's not the way of the world. Sorry, put 50 girls that all want the same title

in a room together. You're gonna get some bitchiness. You're gonna get a lot of bitchiness. Like, sorry, you'd even get it with like influencers, you'd even get it with like any job. I'm sorry, but a massive group of girls is always gonna cause some sort of problem. I went to an all-girls school and I've-

Same. Did you? Same. Yeah. Again, I think that prepped me for the real world. Yeah, thick skin. Thick skin from that. Agreed.

Because you're not, like, that is probably the epitome of bitchiness would you send your kid to an all-girls school if you have i don't think i would am i crazy that i always think that i would jake is like absolutely not but i think it's just because i'm like well yeah it might have been very difficult and i might have had struggles but i feel like it prepped me for the world oh see i see, I don't think it did. Because, I mean, maybe it did. I think it made me do really well in school.

Uh-huh, agreed. Because I didn't get distracted by guys and stuff. Yeah, agreed. I also think I was a bit like, I don't know, what's the word? Like if I saw a guy group, I'd be a bit more nervous around them. Yeah, I get you. Like I wasn't used to bit more nervous around them. Yeah, I get you.

Like I wasn't used to that guy attention. Yeah, we weren't comfortable around guys. I remember seeing like, if we thought that the guys were going to be there, we'd all like put makeup on and be like, blah. But then all the people that had been going to the same school as these guys for like five years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

To us, it was obviously a massive deal. Yeah. So there's like pros and cons, I think. Yeah, I don't disagree. Would you send your child to pageants then if it's us it was obviously a massive deal yeah so that there's like pros and cons i think yeah i don't disagree would you send your child to pageants then if it's like still around like your children yes and no if they saw photos of me when they were of a certain age i'd say like maybe like 15 16 and they desperately wanted to do it and they were begging me then i would probably be like okay but these are the rules um but i would never like actively be like i want you to be like mommy was yeah yeah yeah really in my yeah no and like who knows what

pageants are going to be like by the time i have kids like they'll still be around oh definitely yeah i think there'll always be a place for them but if i compare how much has changed in like the past if i started when i was 13 i'm not oh 10 years ago i'm really sorry to anyone listening to this podcast that gets offended by me thinking i'm old oh my god because i know i'm not old yeah, yeah. But it's just because you're like in your head. I'm like, I'm still 17. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so I said this in the first episode of season two. I was like saying how old I feel.

And then I got myself in a hole because I was like, but if you're 13 listening to this, you're not old. And then I was like, even 40, you're not old. Everyone says that apparently your 30s is the best time of your life. Yeah, this is what I said to Bronte last week. We're waiting. We're waiting for the best time of our life. We, this is what I said to Bronte last week. We're waiting. We're waiting for the best time of our life.

We're ready. No, but we're not old. We're not old. No, we're not. We're all babies. We are. We are. We're going to literally look back on this time and be like,

oh, look at the skin we had. I complain about my skin every day. So we need to just... Yeah, no, I do get that. I mean, the Queen's just died. If there's not a wake-up call died if there's not a wake-up call if that's a wake-up call she was old we're not old no i don't know um so i've got here on my notes i want to know about your childhood upbringing

okay so we're gonna go right to the bottom right right to the deep, deep end. Or right to the start. Right to the start of the book. Or bottom of the pile. Of Misha Grimes' novel. So would you say your upbringing was good, comfortable? Great. Great? I have no complaints about my upbringing. I'm very aware that i had a very privileged upbringing

not because like i was bought this or bought that but like i had a lovely house i had a lovely family it was really close with my family it was really close with my mom we had a dog i went to a good school like i'm very aware that i probably lived in a bit of a bubble when i was younger and i was like a very i wasn't a nervous kid because i was very confident but i was a very scaredy cat kid like if you would have told my family that i would have moved to london and live in the city when i was probably about 11 or 12 they'd be like no you're way too much of a scaredy cat like when i was younger i would cry hearing ambulances oh because i just couldn't cope. I was just such, like, I wouldn't let.

It was such a bubble. I was such a bubble, and I was so scared of the world. And, like, we lived in, like, Surrey, so not far from London. And my mum would, like, you know the windows that, like, you can open them, like, that much. And they've got, like, the connecting bit at the bottom, so you can't open them anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had those windows in my bedroom, and I wouldn't let my mum leave them open at night

because i thought someone was gonna break in through that tiny gap why do you think you were so scared i don't know if it's because i was in the bubble and i had such a sheltered upbringing that i was kind of just like almost like unaware of the world so over analyzing the world like just over anxious. Yeah, like over scared. Like you weren't exposed to a lot of stimulus. Yeah, maybe, I'm not even sure, but I still think, like it's still within me now,

I'm not gonna lie. Is it? I'm a worrier. Did you know what you wanted to be when you're older? At a stage I wanted to be a singer, I can't sing. I love that, yeah. Hannah Montana. Please tell me you went through that stage as well. I wanted to be a singer, but I think I wanted to be a singer. I can't sing. I love that. Hannah Montana. Please tell me you went through that stage as well.

I wanted to be a singer, but I think I wanted to be more of an actress. Okay, yeah. So you also went through that. A former. Yeah. I used to go to acting auditions. I was on Disney Channel.

What the hell? You were on Disney Channel? I was on Disney Channel. Shut the fuck up. That's how you know. No, you're joking. They're claiming to fame. I'm like, guys, I was on Disney Channel.

Yeah, it was probably for about four seconds and I didn't speak, but I was on Disney Channel. Oh my God. I'm saying it's a Disney Channel character. Wait. Yeah, it was probably for about four seconds and I didn't speak. Oh my God. I'm saying it's a Disney Channel character. Wait, what? We need to know more about this. So basically. Sorry, a lot of people probably don't even know what Disney Channel is.

Because like my housemate, Anna, she didn't know what Disney Channel was. She doesn't watch it. She never watched it. She wasn't the Disney Channel kid. And that made me so sad. I suppose if your family never had Sky. Yeah, I know.

Because again, we were privileged to have Sky. We didn't even realize it at the time. I still wish i had sky now and i could go back and watch channel that's so raving i don't even have disney plus i really need to get you need to get on it yeah so tell me about your your experience on this channel what the hell so who are you uh it was in this thing called get the look so this girl called electra formosa she's probably like 35 40 now and they're like who is this girl called Electra Formosa, she's probably like 35, 40 now, and they're like, who is this girl? Why is she talking about me? And she used to do this like styling section.

Right. So as a kid, let's be fair, once I got out that I realized I can't sing, I wanted to be a stylist. Because I was like, I love putting outfits together. Like they were- Fashionista. They were awful, but of course,

I thought they were amazing. I mean, no, yeah. And she had like a styling section outfits together like they were they were awful but of course i thought they were amazing no yeah um and she had like a styling section in between shows on disney channel so i was one of the like girls that she styled right and i was fully going to this thinking they're gonna fire her and like i'm gonna run the styling show it's like babe no oh but i love the optimism oh oh i had optimism optimism so optimistic from the start yeah very much so so was that it was like two minutes that was my three seconds of fame they spent longer trying to make me look younger oh i think i was 15 at the time they wanted me to look about 12 so that's basically a equivalent

of going on like cvbs or something like, which was another one of my dreams. Like going on like. Like Art Attack. Art Attack. Best friends, what's the best friends one where they had like four best friends and you do like the little tasks? I always used to wanna go on the Raven one.

Raven, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what was the one with Dom and something in the house with the switch? Oh, Dom, Dick and Dom. Dick in the house with the switch? Oh. Dom. Dick and Dom. Dick and Dom's apartment or something? Dick and Dom.

I don't know. They were in a house. That's all I know. That's all I know. Sounds a bit weird, doesn't it? Yeah. So, yeah, so you didn't know what you wanted to be when you were older then? You just wanted to be a singer.

Oh, I wanted to be a singer. And then a stylist. And then a stylist. And then, and now you're here. Yeah. I guess you've kind of got the stylist thing in. Well, that's the thing. Like I, I went on like shoots when I was probably about 16, 17 and would like assistant style. Wow.

And I realized I've been around, haven't you? You've done a lot. She's been around. Been around. This is the thing, like before YouTube, I've never had an actual proper job like i was never employed but like i think i did quite a lot when i was younger of like creative stuff so that's kind of why i never had the time to get like a job and like yeah i'd get paid for stuff like when i do the assistant styling but i wouldn't call it like a proper job. Like I do it like once every like six months. No, like nine to five job.

No, never. I guess that just means you're not meant to, like you're not meant to be a person to do that. Well, I don't think I deal very well with styling. Yeah, I'm the same. I'm the same. Yeah, you don't even have a manager, do you? No, little old me.

Little old you, you're doing great though. So I wanna go on to the topic of food and basically because you know that i've i've gone through some shit yeah and i know briefly that you've gone through some shit yeah and i just want like everyone everyone who's listening i feel like, you know, there's this very common to go through shit in terms of our relationship with food and stuff. So would you say like it's an ongoing thing for you

or would you say that you've kind of got to the end of it? So maybe controversial. I don't know that there's an end. Yeah, I feel like that's a thing to say. And I don't know that there's an end. This is, yeah, I feel like that's a thing to say. And I don't know if people would get annoyed by me saying that, but being someone on the side of dealing with it, I think you choose every day to be better, to get better, et cetera, et cetera.

So I can't, sadly, I can't see a day where there isn't tiny little thoughts, but you just learn to ignore them better. They come less frequent, et cetera, et cetera. Quieter as well in the head. Exactly, exactly. But I mean, it's been like seven years. And if I compare to where I've been along the journey,

like I am the best I've ever been. And like, I wouldn't say right now that I suffer with an eating disorder, but I would still say that there are little thoughts in the back of my head that I'm challenging every day. Just struggles and obstacles. Yeah, but I think everyone has them to some degree. I agree.

Whether it's about food, whether it's about, you know, like your appearance, like everyone has like their thing, I'd say. I just think maybe more people acknowledge it than others. Yeah. Maybe some people would just think it's just how people think. Others would think it's very loud thoughts that they just can't ignore. They're changing social plans just to try and listen to these thoughts in their head

and stuff like that. But would you say the pageants and stuff fueled that? Or would you say it was before? It's difficult because the time that I was at my worst, I was competing in pageants, but I don't think that's the cold print. No, what's the word? Not cold print. Cold print. Cold cold no what's the word not cold print

culprit culprit that's the word i was looking for so i i think i would have got there whether i was doing yeah yeah yeah i think i was predispositioned yeah and i know it doesn't sound glamorous or nice or anything like that yeah but i always think it was within me. And I think it probably came about at a quicker rate maybe because I was judging myself, but at the end of the day, like they didn't care about your weight. They didn't like, everyone was telling me in pageants that I need to gain weight, but I still thought in my head to win,

I need to be the skinniest girl up on stage. And I was by a mile every time i competed because i was so underweight but i still thought no i need to i need to so i think it it wasn't the cause but i think because of my headspace it probably didn't help the situation but i also think i've benefited so much from pageants in the rest of my life that I don't hold a grudge with it. I might have got there anyway through the acting, for all of the things that I took an interest in

were very much things that you self-reflect and you look at your own body and you compare yourself to others, et cetera, et cetera. So I think I was kind of probably always gonna go down that path and it maybe just sped up a little bit I guess like also when you're winning pageants and in your head that your focus is being skinny that's going to reinforce the fact that it's good to be skinny because then it's more like you win or something like that well there's this thing within pageants of people say like what's I can't remember the saying, but basically all these people would lose weight for the title

and then they would just go back to a healthy weight after. And like, obviously I don't necessarily agree with the whole like cutting and having a massive diet, but I didn't seem to get the going back to the normal after. Like I just saw it as, it's like what you say about like cancelling social plans. So I don't feel like i lived my 18 year old life because i was worried about worries that i would have or everything like

that so it is sad when i look back at it but i think i'm making up for it now yeah how did how would you like like would you say there's a point like there was a turning point for you it's weird because I think, I mean, I never got officially diagnosed. I don't know about you. No, I didn't, no. Yeah, which again, I think is a bit of a gray area on the internet.

I don't think that you should, but I'm like, I don't think you need a diagnosis. But I think a lot of people avoid going to doctors. And that's why they don't get diagnosed. Also, I saw someone say that it almost then seems like it's an achievement. Because if we think about our eating disorder brain, I remember I used to Google what are the symptoms of an eating disorder.

And it would almost, like, in my head be like a tick list. Really? See, I was the opposite. I was like, oh, my God, I'm scared. No, no, no. And I just, like, avoid. Avoid, avoid, avoid. See, I think I almost wanted.

I think that also comes from the all-girls school. Yeah. Because, again, that was another element of competition. Achievement. Yeah. Like, oh, I'm the smallest in the class like which is honestly like wild to think about now in that respect um what was i saying i can't even remember you were saying so oh yeah so it was our turning point oh so turning point i had started youtube being the weight that everybody thought that i was naturally

so the world didn't know that actually i was severely underweight literally me and i had an eating disorder yeah so everyone just thought that's what she looks like all of my youtube comments used to be like um oh she looks amazing like how do you stay so slim when like I post some of my stories that I eat but like what people wouldn't have been seeing was the fact that I might go out for one meal and eat like 5,000 calories in that one meal but then I would hardly eat for the rest of the week yeah yeah yeah I was like how do you keep your figure like blah blah and all of these things were all going on but i was obviously showing half of it not even very good at hiding it because at that point i

don't think i realized like i just thought it was normal and like people would comment being like you look severely underweight and i'd like laugh like i'd think they're crazy i'd be like what like i lost my period for two years and i remember a family member being like to my mom like do you think it's her weight and we were like no oh so even your family were like that as well yeah so my mom was very unaware wow yeah which i think she probably feels a little bit of guilt oh bless her but she was going through her own issues and i feel like they coincided with each other. So she was probably a bit blindsided by her situation. And we both were in the same boat.

It was even more normal because you're both doing it. But like, again, I hold no resentment towards any of my family for not calling me out because they wouldn't have realized. Like I was very good at like doing it my way. And- That's the thing, it can be very, very secretive. Exactly.

And you learn to like manipulate a lot of people. Or just like pretend. Yeah. And it's the easiest part. And I think again, because I was slim and I think the thing was, I think I first suffered with my eating disorder when I was probably about 14, 15.

And I'd always been a very slim child. Like a slim build. So then I think I got away with it because it was like, she's just built like that. Rather than, oh, actually she's really malnourished. So she hasn't actually gone through her growth spurt and she hasn't got boobs and she hasn't progressed and she hasn't et cetera, et cetera.

So I feel like that's kind of how it was kind of like, oh, I can kind of trick this. It just looks like that's just what I'm built like so for the past like however many years I have not known what my body naturally sits at like I've had absolutely no clue because I never got that stage because it happened so like young into my teens yeah um and then obviously started YouTube etc etc and after maybe about three or four years started getting invited to these events all these press trips all these travels and i've gone from being the girl that didn't do anything filmed her videos at home was by herself could control what she was eating

very strict to suddenly i am going here there and everywhere i'm being given drinks i'm being given food oh yeah a lot of unknown and i'm loving it i'm taking every single bit of food every single drink every excuse to eat to drink to everything and i think in that i then created a binge eating disorder oh because i literally couldn't stop myself like i feel like i went from not eating to i have to eat everything in sight because i don't know when someone's gonna take it away from me wow yeah and i don't think i realized i had a binge eating disorder until maybe like a year ago and someone that i knew was going through something similar and i was like oh that's probably that's probably what was going on in that stage of my life because i gained a lot of weight in a very short span of

time because my body was like yeah like what's going on yeah but then also which you'll probably relate to somewhat that was all over the internet yeah but it wasn't like i've been cheating no my big weight gain oh i see and i don't mean big weight gain but as in like from where i was just a very big change very big change and to have the whole of the internet think that you're naturally just this slim girl to then no longer fitting in that stereotype that they had for you was so difficult because if i'm already struggling with what i see in the mirror and my disordered thinking is still wishing i was like my 15 year old self when it's like Misha you're 19 years old now you can't look like that you're growing up get that now yeah but I didn't then so to have gone from and I

remember it being like halls and at the beginning of my channel obviously like you'd say what size something was and it was probably also because I wanted everyone to know that you know I was wearing the size four or the size six was too big for me etc etc and then suddenly however long time has passed and i'm suddenly buying size 10s and size 12s absolutely nothing wrong with that but because there'd been a change in a certain amount of time everyone felt like they had the right to comment oh my god and like if i bought something that was like a size six or a size eight people would comment being like fatty stop lying to yourself like you're not a size six anymore like maybe you were a few years ago you're joking it was bad it

was so bad the cheek that people have when they're literally like behind the screen literally and obviously i was going through in my head what was like the worst time ever. And I think I was almost using alcohol to like get through it. Like I was never an alcoholic. Like I never relied on alcohol, but I knew that if I went out on a Friday night and I got really drunk, I'd have so much more confidence. I'd feel better about myself. And the next morning I'd be hung over and not thinking about

how I looked. Yeah. And then I'd be having an excuse of being hung over. So I need to eat a load of crap. So see the cycle. Yeah. And it even got to the point where I think obviously because my parents had watched me do the reverse. Yeah.

They kind of, I remember my dad being like, Misha, I'm a bit like worried about you. Oh, so he could tell. Well, yeah. I think he could see that. Like I'm a bit worried about you. Because- Yeah. Well, yeah, I think he could see that I was just saying yes to everything. I was drinking at every opportunity that was like a social event. And it's still not a lot, but-

I guess from what you used to be like and what you used to be doing, it was a big change. Yeah, and obviously for my family, that was probably also like, oh, but you've been like this for the past years of your life, how are you suddenly? And I feel like in my own body and in my own head it was like my rebellion against my eating disorder but then it became a whole new a whole new eating disorder and a whole different way of

looking at things and um i'm not even sure when the point hit like i know that before covid in like january of before covid i was with my ex-boyfriend and i didn't like the way that i looked i was unhappy in the way that i looked and i remember making a youtube video like talking about that and it was the first time i'd mentioned my weight gain online because i'd never spoken about it before yeah and everyone was then being lovely because i'd i'd spoken about it and you know you weren't i guess hiding anything yeah exactly and um that didn't definitely fix it like i definitely went through more like especially when you're doing something and somebody else is telling you what to do yeah it doesn't work no like it doesn't work at all um but since then dumped the boyfriend so you like yeah joking um he won't be listening

you never know um it's been two years not even two years like two and a half three years um wild and um i think i then had that like whole like you you know, like break up, like I need to focus on myself. Like amazing. What's it called like break up? Like- Glow up? Glow up. No. It is a glow up though, but it's not the break up glow up.

Is that what it is? It is a phrase. Coming back to the- I just think it's the whole, and like it doesn't even need to be that like, you lose weight or you change your hair or anything. I think it's just that mentality of, I'm gonna focus on me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. i'm gonna focus on what makes me happy and i feel like that's where i learn because also we couldn't go out we couldn't do this we couldn't do that so i had to learn what food would make me feel good what food wouldn't what food i wanted when and etc etc so i feel like during COVID I went through like a whole experience of all of it and I think and then I remember still going through major patches like I am someone that when like I'm anxious or when I'm upset like it does reflect yeah and I wish it didn't like I wish I could still keep my eating to a certain level, but everyone has like their weak spots. But now it's been what,

like how many years has it been since COVID started? Like two, longer than that I swear. COVID started at 2020 didn't it? Yeah, but like two and a half. Two and a bit. Two and a bit. But now I feel like I had that whole process.

I went through so many stages during all of it. And now I'm kind of just at the point where it's like a happy medium. I would say the happy medium between both of those. Yeah. They found a balance between each other. Yeah. And that's, it's really interesting because I thought before I gained weight,

I was scared to gain weight because I was like, what if my weight gain doesn't finish i was i pick up these habits of like binge like habits where like i'm getting like i'm exposing myself to more food i'm like oh this is nice i'm enjoying it and obviously after so many years of restriction it it's very likely for it to go in the other direction because that just naturally happens like you you restrict for so long yeah and then you're like you're exposed to more food yeah and you're like oh may as well just have more food because like why not yeah so i thought i was going to go down that road like the binging road i

haven't even said this before um but i don't know how i haven't like i think it's because it was not a controlled environment yeah but because you had someone guiding you along the way. And I think that helps. And that's what you will be for other people. You're their guide. I even thought like, by living by myself, I think maybe I pick up certain habits, like maybe because I'm by myself, there's more control.

And I was a little bit apprehensive about that. But again, like I've noticed when there's more control yeah and i was a little bit apprehensive about that but again like i've noticed when there's little weak points like that i have like say i'm hung over or like i come back from holiday and i'm feeling just really lethargic like this whole week since coming back i'm just being like oh really just meh in myself but yeah i know when to take more notice of that and on my own mental health and to not go down that road yeah do you know what i mean so i have more time to myself it's like you see the red flags you see the red flag you see the flags they're a bit they're waving in right they're waving they're waving around and you're like no roads closed we're not going down this road literally turn

around i think i might start using that analogy. I actually quite like that. Should we trademark it? I'll be like, Misha, no. It's a flag day. Yeah, if we ever post on our story saying it's a red flag day. I actually like that. Yeah. I think we're going to do that. Yeah.

Okay. Call it red flag this episode. Red flags. One big red flag. What's a red flag for you rudeness like you know when you go to a restaurant yeah say like a waiter or waitress like gave you a drink if someone doesn't say thank you oh i think i'd have to spit in their what about if they just sent something back they're like if they had a right if like it was cold because like i am that okay so if it's cold you'd send it back if

it's cold but i'm so polite i'm like i'm so sorry but like i've paid for this food i want it to be warm but like how cold are we talking here like you know when your fries are like freezing cold yeah i i will yeah i just can't cringes i cringe i literally cringe like i was at um after dinner in Porto and I think my friend just doesn't have a filter. She would just literally say whatever. And I can't even remember what it was about, but I literally was just hiding behind

my head. I think there's a way to do it though. As long as you're polite. My mum, we always say, she's such a pain in the arse. But she does it so nicely. You can't really be annoyed at her. But not in a patronising way. No, not in the slightest. Yeah, yeah.

Like she's always been like, I'm so sorry and I think I picked up those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're apologising for the fact that your food's gone. Yeah, true.

And you're really sorry that you wanted to be warm. Sorry the fact that I'm having to tell this to you. I guess that's the thing, like if you're getting angry at the waitress or the waiter.

It's not their fault. Only the messenger, yeah. Literally. So you can't be angry at that. So I say that's a red flag i'd say that's a red flag i think for a red flag for me is like if they oh there's too many red flags oh so many i'm just thinking of all the guys that i've dated in the past because they're all red flags oh yeah we always use x like i literally will tell my boyfriend that he's an ic. They are, but I think I now, because I'm in a relationship, I look at ics more than I look at red flags. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

Because I'm like, oh my God, that's so icky. Yeah, yeah. But I don't not love you because you've icked me out. Yeah, no, true. But the thing is, with an ic, that's like a, that's it. I don't fancy anymore. But the red flag, I probably still fancy them. See, it should be the other way around.

It makes me fancy them more. The red flag should be I'm running. I know. see it should be the other way around it makes me fancy them more the red flag should be I'm running the ick should be like oh it's your quirk oh it's your quirk it's your personality yeah

oh my little pop sockets they just what are they called in the pop sockets fuck what are they called the little pop socks I'm just doing this

I don't know why I'm doing this do you mean the socks that are like the socks that are like that is I can't run away from that no don't

Jake wears them it's awful it's fine when he's got shoes on but then when he's walking around the flat with the little i'm like i'm like the little hair like the hairy feet as well oh the head the toe hairs coming out like sticking out sorry boyfriend oh god um anyway moving on millie's really enjoying the single life, as you can tell. 24 years of single life. That is wild. It is mad. But I think also it's good because... Everyone says this, but I'm like,

I think you're just saying that to try and make me feel better. No, but you're not going to now waste your time. Do you know what I mean? Like, you've waited. I know. You're not just going to accept anyone. Because then you'd be a pissing off younger Millie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would be. I would be the red flag. I also think because we went through the whole eating disorder, I don't think there's time in that for a relationship. When I was at my worst, I was not in a relationship. No, I agree. Because I wouldn't have been able to. Because if I had a boyfriend, I'd have to eat at his.

Yeah. Out of control. Literally. Yeah. So when did you get your first boyfriend? So my boyfriend's tim at his. Yeah. I wouldn't be in control. Like literally. Yeah. So when did you get your first boyfriend? So my boyfriend's timings were. Yeah. I had one basically before Jake.

None of them had lasted over a year. So I mean, I'd say that's like even months is quite long. There was one from like 16 to 17. 16 to 17. So that was still during your eating disorder phase. Yeah. But I think it got worse after right so i think it was there but also on the surf you were very young at that stage so like i'd maybe see him once a week right and it'd be around you know what i mean so like you could kind of like get away with that true um and then maybe like 19 to 20 uh-huh and then I've been with Jake since I was 21 and I'm now 23

yeah so we made it past the two-year mark oh that's good first time for everything as in we've been together for two years oh so that's like that's like my biggest achievement that's a milestone that's a big milestone for me. Oh, congratulations. When's your anniversary? So, a bit morbid. Might as well bring this in now. So, basically, our anniversary is the 17th of July. Yeah. But we are no longer celebrating it on the anniversary because spots have really lowered the tone

and i'm really sorry that i laugh i really i really hate that i laugh it's my way it's my way of coping with grief okay um which gives you an insight into what i'm about to say um the like last bit of time that i spent with my dad before he passed away in hospital with him was on the 17th was on our one year anniversary so like I spent the whole night I looked after him for the whole night and day I slept in the hospital and that was on the 17th so obviously we didn't celebrate it the first year I was a bit busy in hospital and then we were supposed to celebrate it this year I just woke up and cried the whole day I just couldn't do it because it just brought back yeah oh god it's gonna so we've moved it yeah i think we're gonna actually move it to the first time he told me that he loved me so it's actually gonna be sooner um so that's fine

well but maybe by our third year anniversary we'll actually celebrate it because so far we have not celebrated an anniversary i guess you could celebrate like love. Yeah. And obviously there's so much love. They're not a big deal are they? Like anniversaries. Yeah, obviously that's so true. Like you've got many more to come.

You've got many like engagement or wedding anniversary. Exactly. More of a thing. Exactly. Yeah. Rather than like a random day. Yeah. Whilst we're led in bed and he was like,

would I, I can't remember his wording, but I think it was like would i do that if um i want you to be my girlfriend we're just led in bed what a smooth character would i do that if i let you be my girlfriend like i let you be that's what he said if i let you be my would then would i be asking you to be my girlfriend i think oh then would i can't remember he said a really weird way of like telling me that he loved me the first time and asked me to be his girlfriend. And I always wish I wrote it down

because we would laugh at it now. Like, it was such like a roundabout way. And you're just like, oh my God, yeah. And you know what? The I love you thing is actually comical. I think he like started a new job or something and I got him a card. And we've probably been together for like

two and a half months but like i was hook line and sinker the minute i'm oh yeah yeah like oh head of hills and um by the way for the podcast that you didn't see that i did like a little like you know like what is it like a dying swan or like a little like i guess it's a diet yeah yeah i call it like a fish. A fish? You call that a fish? You know when you like lift your hands above your head and like tip your head back. I'd say like a dance one. Like, oh.

Yeah. Or like a dramatic moment. And basically I got him this card and I wrote at the bottom of the card. Because we'd like tinkered around the word, but like jokingly been like, oh yeah. Have your own little word. But like we didn't actually ever say say it so i wrote it in this card and put it at the bottom saying like ps i love you oh this was before he even said it brave oh my god wow very brave no no he read the card and he never saw it and never said anything oh my god stop he read the card what do you mean i can't remember what the card was for but he read the card and then he just so he read it so he did see it well no so then when he left the room i got

a pen and i scribbled out the love and i wrote hate because i'm so dramatic he never saw it after he then told me like maybe like a week later that he loved me. I told him the whole situation. He was like, I'm so he literally. So he must have skim read my card. How rude. Oh, little bitch. Oh, maybe he just can't read. Maybe he's dyslexic. He actually is. So am I.

Well, there we go. Watch made in heaven. Watch made in heaven. Yeah, so he still has that card and it still. Oh, does he? That's actually. It has love scribbled out and it says hey. So he, so the week after he then said I love you.

But my theory is that he saw that and he thought, okay, I'm ready now to say it. I want to be the first person to say it. See, I genuinely, from his reaction, he didn't read it. I think also, think about the bottom of a card. You do skim read that bit. You just look at the name. Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I'm not excusing him. It's shit behaviour. I'm not excusing him it's yeah it's shit behavior i'm not excusing him but it's funny it's a red it's a funny story so so how was that the love you bit was it like was it like intimate was it like romantic rom-com no but i don't think i could now i don't think i was like you just say't think I could pick any of that. You were just staring each other in the eyes and you were like, I love you. Oh my god, don't make me feel sick. No, absolutely not. I think it was just like, oh, yeah, I'm in love. It's off my chest now.

Yeah, exactly. What does love feel like? So you don't think you've been in love? I don't think I've, no. I think there's obviously been lust, not love. Yeah, I get that. I think it's very difficult though, because I think back to previous boyfriends. I think now and i'm like did i love them because i thought i loved them at the time

but then the love that i have now is very different like i don't think you can measure it so then you can only feel it but then how do you know what you feel is the same as what somebody i go down i go down the big old spiral because also like the love i have for my family is very different to the love that i have for jake but then it's also very similar in some ways. Is it? Yeah. See, the love I have, like, the love I have for my dogs, let's say,

like, nothing beats it. Like, I love my dogs. This is a really horrible question. If there was a fire and you could only save one person, you would choose your dogs over your family? No, I couldn't. Exactly. So you would choose your dogs over your family? Oh, no, I couldn't. Exactly. So you love your family more than your dogs?

I do. But the love I have for my dogs is different. Yeah, of course. Love I have to my family. Yeah. So I think, obviously, I've been in love with dogs and family. But trust me, it's very different. I love my dog.

But I don't love my dog the same that I love my boyfriend. Very different. So you thought with your first boyfriend that you fell in love or second boyfriend, let's say. Yeah, I don't think first boyfriend, probably second boyfriend. Second boyfriend. And then you've realized that that wasn't love

because you felt this love. But then I don't know. But then you don't know. I don't know, that could have been love because at that point I thought it was love. Unless it's like a maturing thing. What do they say? Like they have like the three types of love in your life.

Oh, I don't know that. And yeah, there's like an article on it. And I think the first one's like young love. Second one's toxic love. And then the third one's like the forever. Right, okay. To be honest, I've covered all three. So I'm hoping that we're on the final one now.

I don't have to, you know. Yeah, toxic love. That's what I think I felt. Sorry, I thought you were saying that's the one that I was on. I was like, what? No, thank you. Your face. Yeah, so you've had, yeah.

No, that's fine though. Yeah. Then your next one can be. What's the other love? Relationship love. Like forever love. Forever love. Yeah.

So that's not family love relationship love like forever love forever love yeah so that's not family love no these are like the three loves of your life as in like like people that you like date okay yeah yeah yeah kind of loves oh i see what you mean google is actually really interesting to read about it um that is actually very interesting what's your love language language so acts of service mm-hmm this is what you give or you receive give I am really bad at just wanting to do everything for people cooking that's kind of acts of service because you're cooking a meal and then like affection okay you like affection yeah I'm i'm a cuddly part i would literally sleep like entwined see i think because of my upbringing i'm not

affectionate person i want the affection like i want that i want to receive you don't want to give i don't but you want to receive because you want to feel loved but you're not necessarily comfortable enough to yeah but that's that's something i'm gonna have to break down obviously yeah of course but the right person will come along and will, and then all you wanna do is cuddle them. Yeah, I know, yeah, true. But like find that person that gets offended if Jake's about to leave the house

and doesn't give me a kiss. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, you missed something. I was like, where are you going? Where are you going? He just walks in and he's like, yeah, thank you. You can go on with your day now. Yeah, you've done your deed now. Yeah, exactly, thank you. You can go on with your day now. Yeah, you've done your deed now.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so we're going to finish off the podcast with some questions that the listeners have given him. This is the bit I'm scared for. So, I mean, to be fair, they're quite... Random? They're quite random. They always are.

One of the questions is, I don't know. Okay, so I asked... Okay, the questions is i don't know okay so i asked okay the laugh is i asked on real ghost radio instagram questions you'd like to ask misha i feel like people who is she but the first question that came in was how do you avoid a camel toe when you're wearing leggings? Oh my God. They want you to answer this. They're like, they've got... Sorry, but people actually ask that all the time.

Really? To you? Yeah. What is it? Why are people looking down there? Why? I don't know. How would you answer the question? i just don't get a camel toe so why how i don't know

i'm sweating there's literally like one or two pairs of leggings i don't know who this i don't know i don't know anyway so i'm really sorry i sorry, I can't help but- Can't answer that question, no. People do, do you wear no pants? I used to not, I used to go to Commando. I used to go to Commando and now I'm like, I can't do that. I respect anyone that goes to Commando. I respect it wholeheartedly.

I don't know how I manage to. But it gives me the fear. And like people are always like, oh my God, like you can see your pants and your leggings, like blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, guys, oh my God, like you can see your pants and your leggings like blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, guys, I want everyone to know I'm wearing underwear. Like I wanna walk in the street

and if I'm in my skin tight leggings, I want people to see that I am wearing pants. You want people to see your VPL. I would rather people know that I'm wearing pants and think that I'm not, because then people's sick little mind will be like, oh, she's thinking about my knickers. Oh, I think, oh no.

I would rather people see my pants. I would rather no VPL pants. Sorry, we've got a difference of opinion there. So you'd rather see. But I can't see your pants in this dress. You would be able to, like a bit. I really can't. Yeah, from behind you can, because I think it like nips you up behind.

Yeah. You can kind of see it. Yeah, so I wouldn't go commando anymore. I would love to. Absolutely not. I still get a fear, even when I'm wearing pants. Something bad is happening. I think every girl gets that fear.

I went to the gym today, I was wearing like gray leggings. I was like, this is actually not good. It's any light color. Yeah, it's light. If it's not black, there's a certain level of fear. It's hard. Or if it's not like patterned, because I think with pattern,

you can kind of get away with it. Yeah, true, true. Like a bit of like the Gymshark Adapt Camo. Yeah. Or Gymshark Adapt Butterfly, Lincoln Bar. Joking. Anyway, okay so. I think the Adapt Camo, is that the one that I like?

Yeah, you wear that a lot. Yeah, are those the ones that actually stay on your thighs? Yeah, I wear them running, they're really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are good. I'm literally just ordering the brown ones. Brown, ah, the new ones. Yeah, I like that. Another question.

Someone's asked, when you're feeling low, how do you pick yourself up? Have a bath. Oh, you're a bath girl. I'm that person. I've become a bath girl in probably like the last three months.

Any issues in my life, have a bath. Have a bath. You're not a bath girl. I think my sister has instilled it in me because whenever I've been upset, cold, tired, emotional have a bath

it's the answer to everything so you're not a bath girl? I would like to be a bath girl, when I'm in the bath I'm a bath girl but I think it's before I think when you haven't had a lot of baths you're like oh it's so much effort but then actually because I've pretty much been having a bath every single day.

Which I dread my water bill's gonna be. Yeah, really bad. I probably have a bath like three or four times a week. Oh my God, so you bathe in your dirty water? I couldn't believe that. No, because I have a shower in the morning. Right. So like, do you wake up and have a shower

the minute you wake up? Yeah. See, I don't, because I have a bath before I go to bed. Right. Then I wake up and then I go straight to the gym. But you're bathing in dirty water. You don't shower after the bath.

No, no, no. Some people do that. Some people bath and then shower. Oh, there's not enough in the water, Bill. No, so I wake up and I don't have a shower the first thing as I wake up, cause I go straight to the gym. So then I'm like, why would I have a shower

before I'm about to sweat in the gym? So then I'll sweat in the gym, come home, have a shower the first thing as i wake up because i go straight to the gym so i'm like why would i have a shower before i'm about to sweat yeah so then i'll sweat in the gym come home have a shower right that's good that's maybe like i don't know where you're gonna go that's maybe like 11 o'clock 10 o'clock i'm gonna finish the gym workout i'm really like making myself sound like i'm very productive with my hours sometimes it might be two o'clock and then live my day go about my day and then like six seven o'clock i'll have a bath i see so you're sleeping in dirt waking up i'm not sleeping in dirt because i'm having a bath before i go to bed do you have bubble bath yeah to be fair but i'm not very good at it it's never that bubbly all right well maybe bronzy slags me off the hell crap my bath's off why are they so because i sit there with the lights bright on oh god you're doing it wrong i literally said

you need if you're in a bath you're going to all that effort to have a bath you need to do it right i literally sit there in broad daylight in the bright light bright bath like staring she was like you can never have a bath like that again so what what's the upgrade then what are we so now we get some ambience okay you know we like music the candles yeah yeah yeah bubble bath yeah that is maybe a lush really oh yeah feeling cheap that goes on your hair oh i don't wash my hair in the bath but like when you were younger I used to like slide up and down in the bath as long as I'd always like hit my head

on like the actual bath thing itself I think I used to play mermaids in the bath oh yeah that was it mermaids oh what a time to be alive okay last question then we're gonna have to wrap this up so oh little dilemma actually first dilemma of the podcast oh

me and my best friend no longer speak it's been a year and i still get so upset any advice is she really your best friend if you haven't spoken in a year i get this because i've been through this have you been through this right i've been through this it was during school i had a best friend we were inseparable and now we're no longer best friends we don't speak at all and but the thing is i think that ended because she was trying to help reach out to my family about my eating disorder. I went a bit crazy. I thought she was like attacking me, going behind my back, doing all this shit.

And I became a horrible person. And I didn't wanna be her friend. But that's very grown up of you to be able to speak about it and be like, I was to blame. Cause I don't think many people would do that. Not many people would be like, I'm the reason that it broke down. But I do think

like having been through two breakups and having been through i'd say probably like one actual friendship breakup that like was a big thing like shit um i think the friendship breakups are so much harder they are so she's an expert they are like honestly and i get the whole like a year later still calling them your best friend even though you don't really speak because i went through that and i was waiting for it to come around and everything to be better and suddenly us to be best friends again and it never happened and i think it took me after the year was literally like, why am I wasting my time? I don't even wanna be friends with them anymore. No, we're different people.

We all live our lives. But it's difficult, I'm not gonna lie. Like, I think if you're not, like, I dunno, I've had arguments with my best friend, or, you know, a couple of best friends, but there's this one best friend that I just always talk to him, like we clash sometimes, but we always this one best friend that I just always talk to him, we clash sometimes.

But we always come, we always make up. So for you to then not speak for let's say a year, I guess it just does mean that you're not really meant to. Yeah, you're not on the same path. You're not on the same path. What was I saying again of like friends are there for a lifetime, a lesson, something, something. I've been having so many quotes

that I don't know half the words from. I'm really sorry. You need to save one for the end of the podcast. Maybe I'll actually know the whole quote. Maybe you should. Yeah. But yeah, it's hard, but just think you're probably better off about them.

Even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment, you'll look back in the future. No. In the future, you'll look back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll be like, that was a good thing for me. I didn't need that person in my life anymore. I guess it just depends on why you don't speak.

Yeah. Like, what is the reason? I also think, like, if there's anything that you feel like you need to say to be able to move on, then do it. Be the bigger person. Yeah. Always be the bigger person. You won't regret doing that.

Agreed. Okay, so to end the podcast, we're going to do a little quote. Okay, let me so my quote i need to do that for so long wow okay my quote is your life isn't yours if you always care what others think simple lovely your life isn't yours if you care what if you're living for others like it's not yours so So true. So that's that. Mine is actually, here's a picture. We were in a bar in Havar.

Oh, is this actually your, oh my God, let me see this. This is actually my mirror. So when we were in this bar in Havar with me and my two best friends, each of the cocktails came with a little note with a quote. And I kept it. And I found it in my phone case the other day oh my god so now it's in my mirror and it says the worst waste wait sorry the writing is very difficult

to read the worst wasted of days is one without laughter yeah the worst waste of a day it should the worst waste of a day is one without laughter so a day that you don't laugh is a wasted day yeah i thought that was quite helpful yeah quite sweet i guess it's always good to laugh every day do you think you laugh every day i think i think i do i never used to that makes me sad oh yeah disorder shit in there yeah but now i laugh so much yeah now i'm actually a very laughable person why does this make me think of like, you know, if we do like a fake laugh,

I'm like, hee hee hee. Are you doing that to me? No. Because we're talking about love, I feel like we need to have a laugh going on. I'm just like, hee hee.

I love laughing, but my one big thing I hate about myself is my laugh. Like I hate it so much. That's not allowed. I think it's actually a red flag I do I think guys hear me laugh and they're like absolutely not

everyone's to be fair I actually one of my old school best friends she had a laugh like Jimmy Carr oh yeah

that's quite bad it was brilliant I loved it I absolutely loved it anyway thank you so much for coming on the podcast thanks for having me love you so much

have you enjoyed yourself I have done yeah you seem quite hesitant when you say that. I have. Absolutely not. Ignore her. Ignore her every single second.

No, it's been very nice. Very nice. Thank you for having me. That's good. I'll leave all your handles and everything in the bio, guys. She's a great host, guys. Oh, well, I should have brought a drink or something. Cheers.

Next time. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. cheers cheers cheers edges all right well love you guys thank you for listening and make sure you share and tag us and everything bye i guess yeah i'll see you next week bye i always i always just clap when i cut cut yay sorry you had to listen to that what can I say well not