Real Girls Radio - EP 27: Healing Heartbreak - how to deal with rejection and get over someone

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

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Love this podcast? Support this show through the Acast Supporter feature. It's up to you how much you give and there's no regular commitment. Just hit the link in the show description to support now. This podcast episode is sponsored by Empower Online Coaching. Okay guys, so I'm sure lots of you already know, but I have worked with Emma, who was my coach when I was going through my weight gain journey. Emma, honestly, when I say it was a game changer, I am not even kidding. Just to have that accountability, support and educational guidance, it was honestly such a win. I loved it. Oh, thanks. No, I'm genuinely so proud of you. Honestly, coaching women through their health and fitness journeys is genuinely one of my biggest passions,

which is why I set up Empower Online Coaching in the first place. I was just fed up with seeing these cookie cutter plans and one-size-fits-all approaches in the coaching industry so I really wanted to reinvent the space and create the ultimate personalized health and fitness experience. So Empower Online Coaching is a safe and supportive place for women to get their guidance that they need to reach their health and fitness goals. Whether your goal is to lose body fat, improve your relationship with food, gain weight or build a bum, Emma and her team are your go-to girls. We're basically your in-pocket cheerleader hype girls who will also educate and support

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subscription so go to empower online coaching.com fill out your deets and quote real girls radio for 20% off I said real girls I can't guarantee that your bum's gonna look as good as me but I will give it a good shot hello and welcome to real girls radio I'm Millie and I'm Emma and we are both very normal bril girls just like you here to talk about all things health, fitness and navigating your way through this crazy life. We're your new besties, we want you to feel part of our weekly chats and we're excited to invite you in to our exclusive girl gang. Grab some snacks and chillax whilst we chat hello everyone happy new year happy new year welcome back to the podcast guys just want to preface this preface preface preface this podcast episode i'm ill if you can't tell so i may not be as chatty as i usually am but

i'll try my best. She's got a peppermint tea. I've got a peppermint tea, but it's scorching hot. I need to wet my mouth. And I'm also suffering from a severe case of hand sciety. Two days later? No, three days later now. Three days later.

Really? It's the third of Jan. It hit me hard yesterday. I never drink, and I did for New Year's Eve, and I had the worst hangover. How long you drinking for was it all night yeah I didn't get so this is so unlike me but I didn't get home till like five no yeah and I went to a club yeah I went to a club I went to the club that I used to go out to when I was like 17 oh God, I haven't been to a club in years. Well, actually no, that's a lie. I probably went last year,

but I'm just not a fan of clubs. No. No, I'm not. We didn't plan to go to a club. What happened was we went to some bars and then we went to this other bar and the music was so bad that we were like, right,

let's just go to the like OG club. And you know that you get some good music. Yeah, and you can just dance. That was one thing actually. I wish I danced. How was your I danced how was your dance in my new year you looked great do you think oh thanks yeah I went as matrix because it was like you dress as the first you just as a character that begins with your first the first letter of your name oh interesting I was like I could go as Amelia like a I could go something with an m. I went for an M. You had like multiple choices. I had so many, yeah, so many choices.

So I was Matrix and it was good. Like some people would dress up so well. There was a guy who came as Dorothy and he had the full on outfit. He had the wig, the glittery red shoes. He was like in the dress. Yeah, it was really good. And then there's another guy in like a dinosaur outfit,

like full on inflatable dinosaur outfit. But apparently he actually wasn't invited, so he came in that outfit to be in disguise. Because you can't see their face in this massive inflatable thing. So scary. So Safran was like, well, who the fuck is him? And then halfway through the night she was like,

oh my god, he wasn't even invited. And then she kicked him out. Well, yeah. I should hope so. So, didn't see him for the rest of my life right although then i had a new year's eve kiss but it was awful wait i don't think he'll listen to this maybe he might now you've kissed him oh no i'm just out of myself here um yeah i i i'm so bad at like rejecting people because i don't You didn't want to have this kiss.

No. I can't deal with rejection well. So I don't like rejecting other people because I just feel like I know how they feel. And which we'll obviously dive into all of that in this episode. So he was just like, will you be on your easy kiss?

And I was like, okay. And then after the kiss, I just, I darted. I ran away from him for the rest of the night. Could not look him in the eye. It wasn't good. He hasn't texted me though, which is fine. Give him my number. How awkward.

What an idiot. You're not good at rejection. I need to improve on that. But yeah, anyway, we were actually initially going to record a healthy girl era podcast, which we're actually going to do in a minute. But we have decided instead to make this one all about how to recover from a breakup.

Slash how to deal with loneliness. And how to get your power back after a breakup. And just how to like, you know, get your happy thriving self back after you have gone through relationship problems and breakups. We've spoken about this before, haven't we? But like, I mean, we've touched on it,

but I think when we spoke about it before, I hadn't yet been through my breakup. Was that in the other studio we spoke about? Yeah. Oh my God. And lots of you have shown a lot of interest in this topic and I think it will be super helpful even to just like hear our experiences.

Do you think that's safer do i think your scalding hot peppermint tea is safe like balancing on the sofa no should we just start with our flop and flies yeah okay so my i'm gonna start with my flop oh classic flop today i got splashed by a van because it's raining raining. Did they do it on purpose? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I was, I don't know. I had my headphones in, I don't know.

But full on, like wet, all down the back of me. And it has dried now. But I was just like, oh come on, it's raining, I'm ill. I really don't need this in my life. And then after that, I was really, really, really trying my hardest to like just be grateful for things that I am grateful for. I was like like I'm gonna stay positive like I'm grateful to have this hood over my head I'm grateful to have my like um headphones charged

because you know when like you run out of battery and you're like yeah so I was just trying to think of all those things just to get me out of that negative mood because I'm being a bit of a moody millie today but we've both had a bit of a um incident on our way here oh yeah then you're yeah that's like your flop well i wasn't going to be but i guess it can double whammy i was on the tube and there's been like loads of tube strikes today and a guy came and sat down next to me and the tube had stopped for like five minutes and he got up and he was like frantically screaming like we need to reverse back up to Clapham Junction and like we need to all get off at Canary Wharf and he was like screaming at people like we need to get off this tube now and then like calling the operator

which he wasn't even on the phone and he was like there's a major emergency we all need to leave right now and then he was like he was like shouting yeah but he was pretending as if he was like, there's a major emergency. We all need to leave right now. And then he was like, I can't. So he was like shouting. Yeah, but he was pretending as if he was the train driver. And he was like, I can't get signal. Like, this is a real issue. Some people believe it. The brakes aren't working. At first I was like, is this guy?

I really just wouldn't know what's doing in that situation. Does he work for the tube? Was he young? No. But he wasn't wearing like uniform. He was just wearing average an average outfit and then the men next to me were like don't worry like i don't think he's um mentally there it's really sad like as soon as you get into london you do come across a lot of

strange characters yeah and it does make you feel unsafe it made the the difficult thing is like obviously like you kind of feel sorry for them because it's clearly like a mental disorder. But at the same time, it's very scary. And disturbing and unsettling. And you'd hope that if they're in that mental state, they would have a carer or they'd be in some sort of facility that can control.

Yeah. Because if he genuinely thought he was the train driver and responsible for getting us off the train. Did he look homeless? No. Interesting. Anyway, that's such a flop. Yeah.

My other flop is that I am... It's a flop, sorry. I really hope you don't give me this illness. I'm staying away. I'm staying away from you. Yeah, no, my other flop is that I am really struggling to find the time to do like personal life admin oh yeah and it's like a constant like stress i fucking relate that is my constant

constant constant struggle i don't remember the last time i actually had time to sit down and do like life admin no i feel like i'm very good with like getting my business social media stuff done and staying on top of that but then when it comes to like my actual real life shit you think you're not finding the work-life balance i feel like i've got the social life balance and the fun balance but not the like get your shit together balance like when does one have the time to do these little things because i don't in our sleep yeah literally the only time i have um what's your fly that was oh. Yeah, my fly is I went to a party not knowing anyone. So that was the party on New Year's Eve.

I went to Saffron's house. And I didn't know a single person there, apart from obviously Saffron, and then maybe one of her friends. But I used to get so socially anxious. I think we all know this by now. So socially anxious. I would literally just be

by myself in a corner, I would hate talking to people. And if I was talking to new people, my heart would be racing. I don't really know what the main reason is. Maybe it's because I'm not like, I don't know. I just feel like I don't hate being awkward. But I am probably the least awkward person when I talk to people.

But yeah, New Year's Eve was like fun. I didn't know anyone and I made some new friends. On a scale of one to 10, how drunk were you? Well, I couldn't, I can't drink on the rack. Oh my God, oh yeah. Yeah, so I had about three drinks, which is the most I've ever had. I know.

But you know, like again, that's a massive win. Yeah. Massive fly. Because like going to a party and not being drunk. And not knowing anyone either. And not knowing anyone and not knowing anyone yeah double whammy oh and i wasn't feeling like my outfit and my makeup oh you looked amazing but see this is funny because everyone's saying this and i was like i really wasn't feeling

it you looked really good i actually had a bit of a flop on new year's eve because i was gonna wear you know those like really sparkly chain mail dresses like the silver ones i had that and i was about to put it on and the whole back of the dress just like broke and crumbled into pieces and i was like they're so unreliable all the time good i didn't already have it on and like went out and then it broke when i was top tip whenever you're wearing a top or a dress that is chain mail always bring a backup with you because everyone that i know who's got one has said it's broken on the night out. They're quite expensive as well. Well they can range.

I mean which one are you talking about? I got mine from Meshki. Meshki. Meshki, yeah, nice. What did you wear then in the end? A brown mini dress, just tight. Just tight. Yeah.

Holding all the areas. Accentuates all the fine areas for the fan men. Did you have a New Year's Eve kiss? Yeah, I did. Did you? You kept that one quiet. With my friend. Oh, Jasmine.

No, Georgie. Like a propagandist. Just like a little... I actually had champagne squirted into my eye and was blinded for about an hour. Squirted. That's such a not very nice word. Squirted.

What's another word for it? Sprayed. Sprayed. Okay, sorry. from the word that's not very nice word spread anyway my fly you sure my fly is that I launched my new website my new logo oh my god I haven't seen this I'll show you the logo in a minute it's basically like a butterfly with an e to like stamp it and power and the butterfly represents transformation and it's in a circle which represents like full circle change oh that's really good and i just feel like we've had like a huge shift in the company to be a lot more like holistic focused and a lot more like centered around mental and physical change rather than just like the aesthetic change and I love it I really love that that's great yeah that's my flight okay I mean my

brain is not functioning well have you eaten yeah of course I mean of course she's had when I mean when I'm ill i actually eat more really i have to eat more see i lose my appetite my body needs those bits you know right let's get into the actual topic of today's podcast i mean obviously we know that i haven't had a boyfriend for 25 years of my life yeah maybe maybe talk about that so the listeners know really okay well yeah guys i've been single for my whole life. And I don't know, people get really, like, shocked by that. And, like, I never really saw it as, not a problem, but, like, as a thing. But, like, the more I tell people, the more, and, like, the more reactions I see and hear, the more I question it.

I'm like, oh, shit. Isn't it kind of like people's reactions make you feel shit about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. And then, like, they react to it, and then they're like, oh, but, and then they'll, like, they'll say a silver lining yeah i think and i'm like yeah okay and then i don't know it just makes me think like is it is it abnormal but this is why like i really want i want to know that i have been single for my whole life because if i if i knew another person who's been single their whole life then i'd feel a bit more okay with it but um yeah, the more years that go by, the more I'm just telling myself, at least I haven't had heartbreak.

And at least, I've obviously had these situationships and stuff, I've gone through different guys and whatever, but I haven't settled with one because I haven't liked them enough. Or I don't know, I feel like I can read people well. And if I'm not 100%, then I'm not gonna go any further with them. And I don't know if that's what everyone does or like.

I think that is the best thing because exactly you're right. Then you're never going to be going through unnecessary heartbreak and breakups. So do people like just push through that kind of like, I don't know, doubt? Yeah, I think they do. I think a lot of people

settle because they're they're more they get more comfort in the idea of just being with someone and settling with someone and having that security than they would to be alone and then they grow into it but i do think like you you can like develop your feelings and like become warm to that person over time yeah sometimes I don't give men enough time yeah maybe that's I think that's probably why as well and also I'm so like it's all I know like my my own company is all I know it's all I'm used to um so having someone then come into into my life with like you know using up my own company I like it's gonna take a lot yeah for them to do that for them for me to like let them in yeah but um what's it like like the longest you've been

seeing a guy for oh like two months okay not long and would that have ended like on it would just be me sort of like being like no i don't feel a lot more slower replies oh yeah just yeah gently dying it off yeah that's another thing like this is this is what i was saying earlier the podcast in the episode i i can't reject people so i'll either just go with it and then like run away from them or i would just slowly just not reply to them that is toxic yeah i can't be doing that like if when guys do that to me oh my god i feel awful in myself but then i'm like but guys could just get on with like they just go to the next person don't they yeah and also i've seen on tiktok quite a lot of times recently that guys um are only happy to be with a girlfriend when

they want a girlfriend like they will settle with anyone in a girlfriend when they want a girlfriend. Like they will settle with anyone in their life when they want a girlfriend. So like, say whoever's in their life. So if they're just craving having that relationship, they will go to whoever. They will just go whoever's there. Really?

Yeah. So, I guess it's never been the right time. Like I've never been in the right place, right time. You will find someone. You will 100%. Like I'm so ready.

I do want someone in my life if you're listening do you want someone yeah i don't know it's just annoying it's sad and so like there's a lot of times where i do feel lonely and i do feel like i'm not normal and i'm not good enough and i'm not pretty enough and all those like toxic and the thing is like i think you can definitely contribute a lot to this podcast because those are feelings you get when you're going through a breakup. The feeling not good enough, the feeling lonely, the feeling insecure. They are very real feelings when you break up with someone.

Because there are definitely guys who I have liked who have then rejected me. And that's basically my closest thing of of a breakup yeah because it's like yeah full-on reject right in your face yeah so we're basically gonna go through some tips and advice and little bits of wisdom to help you if you are trying to recover from a breakup and get your power back and start like getting your light back and feeling good again would you say you're like a relationship person then or you're are you yeah i'm i'm like the opposite so you love having i've not like intentionally but when i look back at my life i have like always been in a relationship

when was your first relationship when i was 13 and like how did that okay so i'll give you a bit of history when i was 13 i had a relationship for a year and a half yeah he was a little older than me god 13 that's a long relationship for that yeah then after that i my next relationship was two years when i was like around 15 then i got into a five-year relationship with my ex. And then we weren't together for like half a year. And then I met my ex, who I was certainly engaged. Wow, so you really have had all of them. But like, so every single relationship you've been in,

you've really liked the guy. You've been ready to like settle. Yeah, but I've never been broken up with. Oh my God, interesting. But so i the thing is right i never realized how painful a breakup can be until my most recent one um and i've never related when i used to hear people say like they're going through a breakup and i'd be like i've done that it's not that bad like it's whatever i i have never experienced heartbreak feeling so low confused isolated lonely broken as i have with my most recent breakup why do you think that is um i guess because of a lot of the reasons why we broke up and there's a lot of emotional a lot of

yeah manipulation yeah okay right i'm just gonna be real with you guys i feel like i can't be completely like honest and transparent 100 on the podcast at this time anyway about the ins and outs of my relationship and for your own safety yeah and even like because I'm still trying to process a lot of it and I'm still coming to terms with a lot of it and working through it and like I have I am so much better now than I was back in summer when I was going through the breakup I definitely feel like I've got a lot of my confidence back my my positivity back I'm feeling a lot more like my old self but like I'm definitely not 100% healed or through it or completely over it yet like I'm it's still a work in progress and it's crazy because it's like we broke up five months ago that's still quite fresh yeah considering

what that whole relationship held yeah but i think like my point i'm trying to make is breakups can be very different and different levels of severity depending on the person and the situation of that relationship and why you broke up. Oh, it's so context-dependent. Like my five-year relationship, me and him broke up and we were literally like, okay, see you later. Well, even he was like as well. I was helping him make his hinge account like the week after we broke up.

Like I didn't cry once, I was so fine, he was so fine. Whereas this breakup, hit me. So like polar opposites. Polar opposite, even though my most recent ex we were only together for like a year and a half it was just a lot more intense and you are at this age now where like you have to start thinking about future and you did yeah i think another thing is like i was so wrapped up with the idea of him and what we could have had and oh yeah I am such a culprit of this making up an idea of someone in my head as opposed to who they actually are

like fantasize oh my god yeah this is so me yeah and just not being a realist yeah about it but then how do you stop fantasizing about things because like that's what you want that's what you that's what you desire that is like how you see yourself with your man and if it's not that it's so hard to just come to realization that it's not that i think there's a very fine line between like manifestation and yeah positive attraction but also being realistic yeah yeah and not setting the bar too high there's such a fine line actually yeah i'm i'm in this little limbo limbo well i guess i don't know like i'm just in this like weird phase of trying to work out that fine line like where that fine line is because that i'm so into

manifestation at the moment yeah me too and like so when it comes to like relationships i'm trying to manifest relationship whatever but i'm like people tell you that it's going to come when you least expect it so then actually don't expect it but then other people say like you have to envision it you have to feel it you have to do all this blah blah so i'm like well where like what's the in between like what how do i get this how do i manifest relationship that's so true isn't it yeah because i always like it'll come when you expect you can't force things like as soon as you i i actually when it comes to relationships i don't feel like you can necessarily manifest it i think it is very much like it will come to you. You just have to put the positive vibes out there

and be open to it and receptive to whatever comes your way, but like not be like on the hunt. You know? And also it's like not constantly remind yourself of what you don't have, remind yourself of what you do have. It's like switching the language of it. Cause like I'm constantly remind myself that I don't have a relationship. Whereas switching the language of it yeah because like i i'm constantly remind myself that i don't have a relationship whereas i should be constantly on myself that

like no you just need to reframe it yeah and say like you have all this time for you to focus on your goals and another 26 years we'll get your boyfriend this year but it is true though like i would have not had the career i've got and everything i wouldn't be where i am today if i had a relationship exactly you wouldn't break and all that stuff yeah and i wouldn't have had the time to put in like thinking about how much time and effort i put into myself it i can't imagine halving that time and i'm having a relationship because the relationship is a big investment a huge time investment time job yeah and i don't know that like because i haven't experienced it

so i have no idea yeah it takes a lot of time and work and effort and compromise and compromise and negotiation honestly yeah right anyway let's get into some tips and things that i have done to help me recover from my breakup um you go first at least as much as i have done so far okay first one is and also i want to preface that a lot of these tips aren't just your basic like what you'd find on google that's a good point yeah they're a little bit more out the box out the box personally what i found um okay so i'm gonna start with this one your mind is always going to remind you of the good times and what millie and i were just talking about like the idea of that perfect future and you genuinely just need to completely stop those positive happy memories and I know that can sound really like negative and

pessimistic to do that but when it comes to like a relationship that you know is no longer serving you and if it was a toxic relationship or something that you know you need to get away from I actually think the best thing you can do is journal all the all the things they did wrong to you and really like write your feelings down on paper even record voice notes to yourself that's something I once did about how you're feeling in the moment when you're so strong and set on leaving for whatever reason you have decided to leave for and listen back to them and go back to your journal and write and look at like how that person made you feel and why you're leaving and try to replace the positive memories and like

looking at nice times with them like through photos with the hard truth and the realization that you cannot be with that person my my flatmate is going through a breakup after oh yeah how is she yes i'm being with him she's doing well she is doing well um but she said the exact same thing she was like i just wish that i wrote down all the little things that made me want to break up with him, or made me think that he's not right for me. Because all the little things that she forgets about, and then she only remembers the good things, and so obviously it makes it just so much harder.

But yeah, there's so many little things that he may have said or may have done, and she's slowly starting to remember them. But obviously when you're in the relationship, you're not gonna wanna do that. But maybe when you're starting to doubt the relationship maybe just start writing little things to help confirm yeah just journal how you're feeling in the moment like you know things that they did that you don't agree with or how they made you feel and when you're writing them in the present moment that is a true representation of how you're feeling there and

then real time whereas when you're looking back at good memories like that's always tainted with like a positive spin on it and again like a bit of fantasizing yeah it is yeah um you could have had and then like another point just to add to that is that your brain psychologically, you are ingrained to be more comfortable with what's familiar, even if the familiarity is toxic and not very nice. Yeah, your mind will prioritize familiar pain over unfamiliar pain.

So as an example. So like as an example so like as an example humans would rather know exactly what this is an example humans would rather know exactly what their abusive partner is going to do to them right rather than the unknown of being alone and not knowing what the hell is gonna happen they're used to that like familiar abuse so they stay in it because that's all they know and they're too scared to go into the unknown and that's like a psychological that is so true yeah yeah so you just just understanding that and knowing like yeah it is scary going out into the unknown and having uncertainty but that uncertainty is serving you because it's getting you away from

that cycle that vicious cycle yeah being stuck in a little hole yeah you need to get out right i know lots of people love to listen to like breakup music and you know playlists all about like breaking up i do encourage this however do you don't listen to the sad heartbroken lovey-dovey well yeah that's what i don't get when people do that like i don't understand why you want to feel more sad no people do it though they do they they put on these heartbroken feel sorry for themselves because it it relates to them and it the lyrics speak to them and it helps them feel heard right but you need to not do that you need to put on empowering like inspirational moving on kind of vibe playlist

like i made one maybe i can share with people that's actually really good because i've always wondered why people do that but now i know yes because they feel heard yeah yeah it will just make you feel worse in yourself yeah and i think as well like a lot of people when they're coming out of a relationship they will feel like i definitely did they will feel like no one understands they will feel so alone and like they can't talk to anyone because no one will truly understand what they've gone through so hearing lyrics in a song which represents how you're feeling is like it's like music to your ears yeah literally music to your ears but if it's sad and bringing you down, no, no.

You need to listen to the, like the vibey playlists, which are going to get you feeling like, yeah, I'm a strong independent woman. Then sometimes people want to like get out of their system, have a week of like mourning. Yeah. And then they'll fly. Well, I mean,

I actually did a bit of research and there are actually five stages of a breakup okay oh yeah i saw this um so stage one is denial uh-huh which is like keeping busy avoiding difficult conversations like just being a bit numb yeah and destruction just getting on with your life like forgetting about it basically yeah how long is that oh i don't know like a month or i think it depends and also dependent on if you're a male or female as well yeah whatever gender you identify as and also i didn't read about this when i was doing research but i do think the five stages of a breakup aren't necessarily like stages one to five i think they cross over go back and forth you can go round and around and round and like go through that cycle like five times I don't think it's as black and white as this but it

definitely represents a lot of the feelings in a breakup so yeah stage one is denial stage two is anger so it will start sinking and you just can't believe this heartbreak is happening to you and you'll just have all these questions and confusion and like hatred towards your ex um stage three is bargaining so this is when and i mean i i'm guilty this is so interesting when you like really question if what you're doing is the right thing yeah and you go back and forth and you try to like reach back out and you let them back in and you kind of like that's very common you like postpone the inevitable what's gonna happen breaking up when you know you have to and just kind of like stay in this like limbo phase yeah this repeated cycle of because you're

scared of letting go scared of letting go because it is like it is grief isn't it and if they're there you know like you can just go back yeah it's just as simple as this is a quick text that's it it's so easy it's like mourning a living person yeah who you know who knows you're alive yeah so that's stage three stage four is depression i mean oh you know so once you get okay yeah, because this could be any sort of, the phases could be at any time. Impression could be the first one, right? Yeah, well, this is like stage one, two, three, four, five. What, from the research I did,

it's apparently in that order. But I don't, I think you can go back and forth and kind of go around. Yeah, I agree, I agree. And then stage five is acceptance, which is what we're all aspiring for and i think what we all need to try to reach which you will eventually you have to just be patient with yourself but that is when you just come to terms with the fact like this is your new reality and you need to move on with your life this is the path you want to go down yeah i always

think this like this is what gets me through life and like really hard low moments in life it's like this is the path i'm meant to be on this path is going to serve me yeah a lesson everything happens for you not to you i always say this to yeah my flatmate who is currently going through a breakup like she's really learning a lot about trusting the universe yeah and she's she is it really is helping like just do what feels right for you like you can't live life worrying about what other people are going to think you have to do what you think is right that's such good advice i think like just doing what feels right to you because i know a lot of people like in the question boxes were saying like i don't know if i should start dating i don't know if that's the best thing I should do or if I just need to like have time alone.

Genuinely, you need to like look inwards and ask yourself what you want. Because me being completely honest, I have been so broken and distraught from my breakup that I have not even thought about dating or talking to another guy. Like it's just not on my agenda. And that's absolutely okay

like that is what you need like you need your own time to strengthen yourself and yeah have time to yourself but for some people as well like they will find that doing that and you know meeting new people and going on dates will really like pick up their confidence yeah um and i guess like on the topic of like rebounds and dating after a breakup i i know a lot of people after a breakup will kind of like shut down their feelings and go on that like rebound kind of like i don't give a fuck yeah i don't give a fuck i'm gonna go out and get wasted and use like alcohol as a distraction and completely disregard their feelings but genuinely i believe you need to feel it to heal it oh you need to honor your feelings and you need to just accept like it's okay to not be okay of

course it's okay to not be okay after a breakup like that's normal that's human like everyone goes through this but you do need to be patient with yourself and let yourself have those feelings and have a cry if you need to and one thing that i've really found to help me is um journaling how i'm feeling and write down things i'm grateful for and things i've learned and like what why it's maybe stronger and and like what you can now look for in your next partner or like what you want what you've learned from that partner who that you can now like apply in your own life or yeah even like in friendships what you're looking for in friendships as well because it gives you a lot more clarity yeah sure

and journaling will help with that and like at the end of the day your emotions and trauma and whatever you've been through it is gonna come out at some point so you need to not repress yeah you cannot repress that you can't like make that follow through into your next relationship whenever that is gonna be it's so hard isn't it because breakups can be so complex and so different it's a lot to it and also like there's so much that goes on in the relationship that the outsiders don't know don't see so it's hard for other people to understand fully yeah for sure but another tip that i like this genuinely saved me in my breakup, is channeling all my energy into my goals that I set for myself and just putting my all into the gym. Like, I cannot tell you how empowering that was for me when I went through my breakup back in the summer after my miscarriage

I lost all my strength and I felt like a weak timid like insecure girl in the gym I had such imposter syndrome and I was just I couldn't lift half of what I used to and I'd go into the gym and cry it was awful it was like a bad place for me but I made myself a new training program I set myself new goals and I would go into the gym and just like make progress and work on myself every single week and like I have I look back like September to now and I have gained so much strength and like confidence and self-esteem just from that in itself like purely just the energy the mental and the like the performance gains nothing to do with how i look it was all just like knowing like i gained strength and i think gaining physical strength gave me mental strength and told me like

i would be okay i'm sure like if you anger or something, you can put that anger into your workouts. Yeah, like channeling your energy, whatever like emotions and energy you have, put it into something. That doesn't have to be the gym, it can be artwork, it can be music, it can be- Singing. It can be-

Any sort of creativity. Something creative, I think, yeah. I so agree. Even like decluttering at home. I did that a lot when I break up with my ex i like move things around i had a sort out or freshen up it's like a spring clean for yourself yeah i also what would you say about like switch up and look a bit yeah so like dye your hair or yeah i don't know like i i think like you don't rely on that to like completely

heal your breakup and your heartbreak but itbreak but i think it can definitely boost your confidence and and kind of like signal the era of transformation and a new a new start and also yeah a new start like detaching yourself from maybe that era that you're in and having like a new fresh like a new healthy girl like new me yeah even if it's like just change like your style a bit or like you're i don't know get a whole massage pedicure eyebrows yeah lash tint just make yourself feel good self-care self-care is essential post-breakup you need to put all the time and efforts that you love to the old relationship into you go get your nails done go do a facial yeah because i think it's so easy to feel sorry for yourself let yourself you know go like yeah and then give up on your body and

give up on your yeah i think it's really easy to get down that little rabbit hole but it's not going to serve you well no i'm going to do anything to you and i know it can feel like such a huge effort to like get yourself to the gym and pick yourself up cook healthy and you know make effort on your appearance when like the inside of you is just feeling like shit but you just have to think about how great you're gonna feel three four five months from now and how much confidence you're gonna get back from just making these small little changes i promise you it works okay one thing which i know for a fact will help and i personally i'm going to be honest have not been great at block and no contact oh yeah oh absolutely outside our mind if you really know that relationship's not serving you and you can't keep holding yourself back

and you have to let go and really finish that chapter to step into the best version of yourself, I think the best thing you can do is block, no contact. But why is it so hard to do that? It's one tap. Why is it so hard? It's that letting go isn't it it's that accepting that you this is the end i think it can be a load of different things for like so many reasons like for some people if they were married had a house together had like a lot

a lot involved together like you need a open line of communication to sort out like bits and bobs you know there's there's also like if if you break up with someone and they don't want to let go and they refuse to let the breakup happen like that can be very hard yeah and then also like if you aren't sure and if you're doubting it and if you're missing them and you're like maybe there's something that they can you can you see online that may sort of bring you back or like yeah maybe I don't know there's maybe something that you see and you're like oh maybe I should be back with them like it's that sort of bit of hope isn't it again still I think you just really in your head in your own time need to decide if this person is ever going to have a place in your life again romantically or if you really have to just like have the courage

to say no that is done i am moving on then they have no purpose being in your life you and the best thing you can do for your own sanity is just cut them out cut ties and move on and i know i know it's so hard and i know you might you might feel guilty and you might feel like you're a horrible person you might doubt it and question yourself and think like oh what if but I think listen to your gut your gut will tell you what you should do yeah and if your gut is telling you that is a bad relationship and they are not good for you they're not serving you block them yeah i agree and also i think it's so like i know i just said that people like the outlookers can't really see what everything's going on in the relationship and stuff but it's really important to take people that you love their advice yeah it's really

important because they can see some things that you can't see yeah so because you can just get lost and like we said like think of all the fantasies and everything and you can you might be in love with the idea yeah but it's so important to get that advice from someone who isn't emotionally attached to them yeah and have such objective advice who's seen you go through you go through it all you've seen the things that you haven't seen because you're you've blindsided yourself yeah and also i i'm just gonna say this now friends for benefits of your ex isn't oh no no no no no no we do not do that no strong and powerful women do not do that uh another thing that i did which i mean i think this trip that i went went on really helped me i went to paris

with jasmine my best friend after my breakup and getting away going to another country doing fun things with a friend or it doesn't have to be a friend like you could even do it on your own i think that's very empowering um or with like a family member like going away and just having fun like let your hair down and it just gets you in a different zone doesn't it like i don't know about you but when i'm away when i'm a holiday when i'm in a different environment it makes me look at life in a different way yeah and then you can come back and you feel refreshed and you feel ready to take on the day or like whatever like your dreams aspirations like you're ready it's always just that even if it's a week a few days yeah i went away i went to paris for like a long weekend and it was just the most amazing i needed it i literally needed it and i

think you know booking things to look forward to like i was about to enter this new year thinking oh i was supposed to be getting married and whatnot but now i'm not so instead i was about to enter this new year thinking oh i was supposed to be getting married and whatnot but now i'm not so instead i was like nope we're not gonna be negative or down in the dumps about that i have booked loads of trips and i am just having a year of living life a fun travel being with my friends working focusing on me we're young. We're young. Don't need no men. Don't need no men. Don't need my ex. Don't need.

Don't need the exes. We don't need them. No, we don't need them. No, an ex for a reason. Yeah. So, yeah, I think you just need to plan a lot to look forward to independently. Yeah. And like fill your time with fun.

You can recover and that you are going to be okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel there's light at the end of the tunnel it's not forever but anyway i'm not i'm genuinely not fully healed yeah well i'm doing a lot better you are glowing though oh day by day oh thank you really i'm getting there i just genuinely did not ever ever realize how like draining and emotionally exhausting and hard and heartbreaking a breakup could be like so if no i genuinely mean this if any of you are going through a breakup right now and you feel alone and confused and lost you are not alone and my dms are always open

and mine are but yeah i can't relate but i'm sure i can give some advice give a little hug virtual hug but yeah no i really do hope you're okay but you will be you will be okay i know you'll be okay but you just need to take our advice do the steps we've gone through and just be confident in your decision and what's happening listen to your gut trust yourself yeah and you will get your glow back girl absolutely the glow will come right back yeah slap you in the bum as well we did have a few questions oh we did should we do some quick fire ones okay keep it quicks quickly quick quicks um okay how to get out of a toxic relationship um so this is probably one of the hardest things you can do because if you are

if you have been in a toxic relationship and you're at the point where you're so psychologically abused that you know you have to get out that is actually when you're at your weakest and when you're so drained and just vulnerable and vulnerable and broken that at that point that is when you need the most strength to actually stand up and get out and break up with them so it can be a challenge um i would recommend if you are set on getting out of this relationship like we said earlier you need to block no contact um maybe even go away for a bit if it has been a toxic relationship stay with people surround yourself with people who are gonna be there for you look after you keep you safe um yeah safety

is important another i remember reading in a book like once about you should imagine the abuser, if you've been in a toxic relationship, dressed up in the most ridiculous outfit because that ridiculous outfit actually epitomizes how they're acting, which is so stupid and ridiculous. It kind of takes away like the- The scariness.

Yeah, the scariness and the control and like the the big big dog thing and it actually like mirrors the reality of how they're behaving and it makes you not take them as seriously and almost like humor them like humor their behaviors like you like their actions are funny. Because a lot of men who are narcissists and emotionally abusive, their behaviors are so immature. They act like children. I actually call it a mantram. Man tantrum.

Mantram. They have mantras. Well, a mantram is like, what's your mantram? Oh, well, I've just, I termed that. So it means that as well. So yeah, try and do that um yeah another way i mean i mean if it is really abusive and toxic get the police probably need to get the police involved or at least like make sure they have a record of what's been going on and you know people get scared of getting the police involved because they're worried of what the

abuser is going to do but if you've got police involved, the police are there to control that next step of what the abuser may potentially be doing or will want to do. So the police are the best, most safest option, if that is your worry. Oh, there was one person who said, so she's just broken up with someone Oh, there was one person who said that,

so she's just broken up with someone. It's been 18 months. She still cries when I think about him. Did I make the right decision? He wants to see me. Is it a good idea? Haven't seen him since the breakup. So she wants to meet up with her ex who she broke up with 18 months ago.

So over a year ago. Yeah ago, so over a year ago. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Over a year ago. Yeah. And she still thinks about him and they wanna meet up. I mean, I think the most wise thing you can do

is ask what his intentions are. So you can go into that with a bit more clarity because if he's meeting up literally just to see if you're all right as a friend but you're still missing him and feeling like you want to maybe go back there and see where it goes but he's not aligned you could just be setting yourself up to get more hurt yeah absolutely so i think just have a conversation and understand like where he's coming from and what his intentions are yeah because i remember when my my xx yeah double x my double x um when me and him break up after our five-year relationship

we met up like a few months later just for like a coffee but like a catch-up because like we obviously care about each other you really chose lives for five years for five years yeah um and there was nothing there there was nothing there was nothing and that's when you've got confirmation like yeah okay and he's actually recently had a baby and he's very happy and like i have no like i'm happy for him i genuinely am like i'm very happy for him and i'm also very sure that we were not right for each other i guess yeah so for this girl's answer i'd say like obviously depends on why you broke up if it was more of an uh amical mutual thing or if it was like a one-sided thing it depends on who broke up with who because if it was he that broke up with

her and he's not wanting to see her yeah i always think that guys process it way later yeah and so he's probably now going through the breakup like fucking 18 months later thinking what has he done but if you're in this position now where you've sort of you're finding like your feet you're you know you're getting yourself out there in the in the scene or you know dating other guys or whatever you're kind of seeing yourself move on then maybe it's better just not not go back there yeah i go back in the past um okay entering the dating scene post breakup and comparing anyone new to your ex i can relate to this yeah i mean first of all comparing is just stupid it is stupid but it's

so hard not to it's like an auto thing isn't it yeah because everyone has different strengths different weaknesses different things they can bring to the table and a lot of things they can like yeah you know not bring not bring again it's like are you just focused are you just comparing your ex to these people um by only using like the good things about your ex or is it good and bad things because for me i'm always thinking about the good things of yeah i think when you compare you're comparing the new person to all of the good qualities of your ex but completely disregarding ignoring everything they did bad yeah um just don't compare but getting back on the dating scene i mean i mean i can't really give much advice

because i'm not on the dating scene but I would I would assume dating apps yeah dating apps like going out with friends who maybe are single as well who can like help encourage you to talk to new guys you know like I think I've been out with friends who would just go over and talk to a guy and then he'd have mates and they'd come over and chat and then that's it as easy as that and then you start talking and it's fine and natural and cool yeah and like there's no pressure there and that could always like you know invite new opportunities with guys or whatever yeah going like getting yourself out there like not staying inside all the time and just hoping that someone's going to just suddenly appear in your life like i do think

you need to get out there go out to bars go out wherever you socialize yeah the gym book club i don't know just put yourself out there i'm not gonna go and find my boyfriend in a club like i don't really see myself dating a guy who loves clubbing yeah you know yeah so i'm not really gonna expect to find a guy in a club but maybe in a bar because they're maybe a bit more like you know a drink a beer a bev with the the lads i don't know there's a lot about like rejection but also like um feeling like you're incapable on your own which i can relate to when you're in a relationship you can put a lot of your dependence into that other person. And like, I definitely had that. Like I went from being a very like strong, independent, confident person in isolation.

And then when I was in my relationship, I had like, I do feel like I lost a lot of my independence and a lot of my confidence to the point where after my breakup, even just getting in my car and driving somewhere on my own, scared the living daylights out of me i was so relied so much on yeah i was so reliant on little things and i just i hate being alone but you have to just be so patient with yourself and it can be so scary but you need to put yourself out there into situations when you're

on your own and you have to do things for yourself, even if they're scary and overwhelming. But once you do one of these things, you will realize you have the power to do it alone and you can do it and you do not need them. You are a strong, capable person. Or no. You've got to remember,

you were absolutely capable before getting with them. So you can get back to that as well. It's not like you've had them so you can get back to that as well it's not like you you were like you've had them since you you were born in your life like you have been absolutely capable of getting through life by yourself like you've been happy before this relationship like you were fine and even like I know we mentioned earlier like going on a solo trip i my mum did that when she came out of a breakup when she felt really like dependent and alone yeah and she said going on a solo trip and vibing by herself gave her all of that confidence and like assurance in herself that she will be

okay on her own so true so yeah you just have to make that first step of actually yeah first step is the hardest step yeah once you make that first step then you're fine yeah everything will come naturally after that but yeah sending love to all sending love who are going for a breakup or struggling with this because it is hard and not many people talk about it yeah um right do you have a quote i do have a quote i have two quotes so which one should i choose oh do you um yeah I'm just gonna say them both because they're quite short okay your future needs you

your past doesn't your future needs you your past doesn't yeah the past is gone the past is gone it doesn't need you anymore it doesn't need your attention it doesn't need your thoughts

or attention it doesn't need that put it all into the future yeah and the second one don't allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them

you know yeah it is as simple as that yeah And the second one, don't allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them. You know? Yeah. It is as simple as that. Yeah. Just because you love them doesn't mean they're allowed to treat you like shit. Yeah. And do they really love you if they are treating you like shit?

And do you really love them if they're treating you like shit? Wow, all these questions. Okay, I actually have two as well. Okay. A lot of your questions were about like toxic, abusive relationships. So I kind of like changed my quotes when I was reading through them to make them more relevant.

Yeah. Okay, you wouldn't drink poison just because you're thirsty. So don't let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. Love, love that. So when you feel that urge to reach back out So don't let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. Love. Love that. So when you feel that urge to reach back out and reconnect with a toxic person.

So you're thirsty. Just think, if I was thirsty, would I drink poison? Yeah. No. So true. So don't do it. I love that. That's really good.

And my other quote is, never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave, even if you stumble a little on the way out the door. Yeah, that's really from something unhealthy is brave even if you stumble a little on the way out the door yeah that's really good it's brave and you're strong you are stronger than you think i promise you you are stronger than you think i was stronger than i thought yeah and you don't know how strong you are until you go through it yeah and it makes you a stronger more resilient capable strong boss ass bitch woman boss-ass bitch woman. Boss-ass fucking bitch. Here's to 2023. Here's to 2023.

Yes. All the single ladies. Beat it. And the ladies in relationships who love you too. And the men, single men maybe. We've got some men listeners. We've got some men-ers. Men-ers.

Men-ers. Girlies and men-ers. Anyway. Love you. Leave it there. And also, thank you so much to all of you who share, rate, review the podcast. It genuinely really, really does help us so much and we thank you so much to all of you who share review the podcast it genuinely really really does help us so much and we appreciate you love you love you have a fab rest of your day next week goodbye