Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #417

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Okay, so are you newshounds? Because there's a lot of news today. You know, our new Attorney General Jeff Sessions, you like this guy. He's terrific, isn't he? No, that was a joke. He's an asshole. Anyway, he's in big trouble now because he said he had testified that he did not have any communications and hadn't met with the Russians.

And then it turned out he met with the Russian ambassador twice. And our intelligence picked up communication between Russia and Trump associates inside the Kremlin. Now, in fairness, Trump always said that he loved campaigning in the red states. But, of course, these were just meetings. Just meetings. If they took place on a private email server, that would be bad. But, no, Sarah Palin said today that she's been watching Russia's house, and she doesn't see anything going on.

Well, Trump gave his big boy address to Congress on Tuesday night, and he read it directly from the teleprompter, which apparently is no longer a sin, now that the president is white. And the media responded like proud parents of a toddler who finally learned to use his words. Chris Cazilla of the Washington Post said, This is Trump at his absolute very best. A very nice note about our shared humanity.

Yeah, I think Chris also thinks the dancers at the strip clubs really like him. No, I hope the media never sits on Charles Manson's parole board. Because apparently you can say crazy, dangerous shit your entire life and then just say one thing like, it's time to come together and dream and they forget all about the swastika on your forehead. Now, as for the content of the speech itself, Trump said we are living in environment and environment. of lawlessness and chaos.

But enough about my White House. Trump said in this speech, a new national pride is sweeping across our nation. Unfortunately, it's knocking over the graves in Jewish cemeteries, but it is sweeping across. I know you haven't read about that either, but someone is what's going on. Folks, someone has been knocking over tombstones in Jewish cemeteries and also phoning in bob threats to Jewish community centers.

And when Steve Bannon catches this guy, he's going to give him such a job. Now, did you notice that at the big speech Tuesday night, all the Democratic women were white, and not to be outdone, all the Republicans were white. And Melania, Melania was wearing a $10,000 pantsuit from Michael Coors. So at least someone in the White House is still supporting the gays. All right, thank you very much. We're going to go over here.

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