Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #419

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear Sit down. Are you happy at least that it's spring? That's a yeah Spring season when seeds take root and flowers bloom and Republicans try to take away your health care Yeah, there's so much news so much crazy shit happened just in one week The Trump care you know that's going down president is insane we had the Supreme Court hearings the Russians tried to rat fuck the election

so anyway as you know the Republicans am trying to repeal Obamacare for the longest time now they're in office now it looks like it may not happen because they have this thing called Trump care or as it's otherwise known black lives don't matter and as of today

they pulled the vote because they do not have enough votes and Trump said yeah that never stopped me before No, Democrats are opposed to Trump care because it takes 24 million people's health care away and Republicans are opposed to it because it only takes 24 million people's health care away. See, Trump care, they're not really covering

as many people as they promised they would. They're offering what they always talk about, access. That's their big word, access. It's available, you just can't have it. it's like oral sex with married people you know it's a real thing you're just not getting any

that's so yeah so all last night they pulled an all night or the House Freedom Caucus that's the artist formerly known as the Tea Party these drooling idiots stayed up and they're working with Trump on this

that's where America is we've gone from the founding fathers working with George Washington Washington to the Freedom Caucus working with Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution. Now the other big issue that they're involved in, we all see this week. Neil Gorsuch, have you seen this guy? He's the Supreme Court nominee. Did you watch him?

Whoa. I call him the human sweater vest. This guy's like half Mr. Rogers, half antimatter. Just makes Mike Pence look like the Philly fanatic. I'm saying this man is dull. He's... I heard today his hobby is fly fishing, which is... That's what white people do when golf is too exciting.

Now, this guy... This is what happens when J.C. Penny goes belly up. They're women's shoe salesmen have to find other jobs. You're right. That was too far. But Republicans love this guy. I mean, love, love, love. They love this guy. You'd think he was a Bible with a gun scope.

They love him. Because he's one of those judges. He interprets the Constitution as the framers intended when they wrote it 226 years ago, which makes him an originalist. That's one of those words that they love at Supreme Court hearing, because it means different things to different people.

It's like the word curvy on Tinder. It's an interpretant. But Mr. Gorsuch probably will be confirmed, barring unforeseen circumstances like a virus that wipes out Episcopalians. Other than that, I don't... So in other news, we are officially now a Banana Republic without the berets because Ivanka Trump, the president's daughter, has been appointed to be his chief advisor.

basically. She's getting an office right next to him, getting security clearance. She can see classified information. As Steve Bannon said today, see, more proof Jews control everything. But yeah, it's going to be like take your daughter to work day if your

daughter gets to weigh in on nuking North Korea. And people say, what will Ivanka do? Well, she will advise her father. She will act as a trusted confident and she will help him take off his spanks when he has to go potty. She won't be officially working for the government.

She'll report directly to Putin. So, oh, yes. CNN says people connected to Donald Trump and his campaign were in contact with the Russians and gave the thumbs up to release information to embarrass Hillary Clinton during the campaign. Like Trump's hair, I can't even wrap my head around this. And at the beginning of the week,

we saw the FBI director James Comey testify, we are looking into this. This is an ongoing investigation. Today, Sarah Palin tweeted that it's time for Trump to get rid of Comey. Hey, we don't need Sarah Palin's idiotic Twitter ramblings anymore. We have Donald Trump now. All right. Thank you very much.

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