Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #437

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series Real Time with Bill Malt. What a crowd. Why are they so happy? What the fuck could have happened? But hey, Trump says there's been a breakthrough

on immigration. The dreamers can stay. And by that, he means they can't stay. You know why they call him the master of the deal because master of illusion was taken? He's...

Yeah, he's all over the map on this. But don't worry, racist. He's... He's... Trump hasn't betrayed you. He's saying there's a plan, but not a deal. There's hair on his head.

It's just not growing out of his head. But Sarah Huckabee Sanders, she cleared it up today. She said, Trump's tweets are not inconsistent with the agreement. There's no final deal, but there was an agreement.

Well, thanks a lot for that, Sean Spice Girl. It's not a deal, but it's an agreement because an agreement is the opposite of... It made more sense in the Russian. I don't know what to say. But anyway, it has gotten Trump's base freaked out. They are throwing a category five shitstorm

about this. Even Sean Hannity, rushed Limbo. They all, oh, my God, he's going to let the dreamers stay. What could be more horrible than being kind to people? Anne Coulter, who wrote a book called In Trump We Trust, tweeted out, put a fork in Trump, he's dead. Now, I like Ann, but I cannot see her putting a fork in anything as fatty as Donald Trump. I really can't. I mean, that's...

So now, of course, Trump's trying to win them back in his base. So he said today, the dreamers can stay, but only to give Sheriff Joe something to do. Which is... Remember Steve Mnuchin? He is our Treasury Secretary, great looking guy. Steve Mnuchin, he's our, yeah, Treasury Secretary, and a newlywed. He married an actress a few months ago.

Mike Pence performed the ceremony. Now that's true. And they took a taxpayer-paid trip to Fort Knox to look at the gold, which got a lot of people very upset. A woman complained on Instagram, and Steve Mnuchin's new bride, bitch. She wrote back in a huff, she was like,

adorable. These are exact words. Adorable. Do you think the U.S. government paid for our honeymoon? Well, now it turns out they did try to get the U.S. government to pay for their honeymoon. I love Republicans. Whatever they deny something you didn't accuse them of, that's what they did.

You know that's what they did. So it turns out, yes, for their honeymoon in Scotland and France and Italy, they requested an Air Force jet which would have cost $25,000 an hour. They were turned down. Trump is now starting an investigation to find the guy who turned them down.

And here's my favorite story this week. Ted Cruz has a porn scandal. Somebody posted a porn video on his Twitter account. He liked it, or he says somebody in his office got a hold of his phone. That's always the way that happens. But it's interesting. In the porn video, a woman comes home.

to find a man and a woman, strangers, have broken into her house and are having sex on the couch, and she reacts by watching them and masturbating. As a good host does. Of course, Republican porn is a little different. When they're all about to come, the bank comes in and forecloses it on the hole. And then they really get off.

And the sickest, most controversial thing about it, is it's insensitive. It's incest porn. I'm not kidding. It's incest porn, which means Ted Cruz may be done in Texas, but he's just getting started in West Virginia. All right, thank you very much, everybody.

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