Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #447

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. Thank you. How are you doing? They're so happy. Because the government didn't shut down. No, remember, we're going to have a government shut down, and then we didn't. It shut down for a day. If only our government could work like computers, right? You turn it off, you're turning it on, and it works better. But, you know, this should have.

Of course, the Republicans controlled the presidency, they controlled the House of Representatives, they controlled the Senate. So it was known as the Schumer shutdown. The Democratic leader, Chuck Schumer. The Schumer shutdown. Sounds like a sex position I once tried. Boy, this...

It looked easy in the magazine. But when you get into it, it's... But, no, it's so hard to negotiate with Donald Trump because he changes every day. That's why they say, you know, it depends on the last person he talks to. That's why they said they had to get rid of Amarosa, because at one point she almost talked into having Medicare cover weaves. I say, yeah, the president is on an overseas trip, and Malani was supposed to go, and she did not go on the trip. She decided to stay home and catch up on some crying.

I think the love is gone there. I do. Him and Melania, yeah. I mean, at its best, it was about as warm as a Christmas card from your... from your insurance agent, but... But you heard what happened. I mean, it's their 13th anniversary this week. And, you know, Melania was sentimental.

She was thinking about the wedding day, and when she said those two words that changed their life forever. Kaching. The president is in Davos, Switzerland. Anybody been there? Yeah, me neither. It's the World Economic Forum. They have this every year.

It's kind of like Comic Con for oligarchs. It's, uh, Trump loves Switzerland. He says it's his favorite cheesehole country. No, he loves everything about Switzerland. He loves the mountains, the whiteness of the people, the numbered bank accounts. Not to mention that they practically invented looking at a bunch of Nazis

and seeing very fine people on both sides. Interesting fact, Switzerland, you know, this has four official languages to Trump's none. Now, here's the Republican

and Saturday of the week. They are all up on this idea that the FBI has within it a secret society that is working to overthrow Donald Trump. Now, there was a secret society, but it worked to put Trump in the White House. Yeah, it's called the Kremlin.

But, But these Republicans, they are sure there is a secret to sign in the FBI and they're going to get to the bottom of it as soon as they get the secret decoder ring in the specially marked boxes of Captain Crunch. That's where the secret is kept. Right, they planted a microchip in Trump's brain

that makes him tweet crazy shit at 4 in the morning. He's the Manchurian knucklehead. But listen to this. We found out today they're basing this conspiracy on a single text about two FBI agents, we found out we're joking. It was a joke about having a secret society.

Oh my God, Republicans, you know what? Well, you can't even pick up the jokes between two square FBI agents. Ask your doctor if marijuana is right for you. I'm going to sit down and take the load off. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher, Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.