Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #488

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. Thank you very much. Well, welcome to this fucking country. That's the name of my new NPR show. All that and more today on This Fucking Country. Good timing there.

Well, this is the week we found out that Nancy Pelosi does not want to impeach Donald Trump and we rolled up Lori Loughlin. We got Well, everyone's talking about this. Have you seen this? The college admission scandal. Federal prosecutors this week

charge 50 people in this massive scheme to bribe coaches at colleges, admissions officials. These are at elite schools to get their kids in. I think this is wildly unfair to other rich kids who got in because their parents donated directly the old-fashioned.

But the school's involved. You know, we're talking about Yale, Stanford, Georgetown. You of San Diego. Here's a little tip. Instead of bribing that school, just apply. Really? You don't need to break into that house.

The door is open. It's like stealing a car and picking a PT cruiser. I mean, it's just... But, boy, the FBI does not kid around. Lori Loughlin was arrested yesterday. TMZ said at gunpoint, she was supposed to go to the county jail, but she pulled some strings and got into Sing Sing.

Her safety prison was Alcatraz. She's her safety prison. No, listen to this. Her bail was a million dollars, and her crime was paying half a million dollars to get her idiot kid out of the house. R. Kelly said, I would have taken her for free. No, this is very bad,

this is very bad news. for these two fine actresses. But the good news is it's going to make a great lifetime movie starring Felicity Huffman and Laurie Loughlin. But, no, I tell you, these Hollywood scandals are just killing me. I mean, last week, now I mean, I can't listen to Michael Jackson anymore.

Now I can't watch Lori Loughlin movies. I mean, but I think it's perfect that this comes after the week when Kylie Kardashian and said that she was the first self-made billionaire. Yeah, about as self-made as a snowman. Right, Kylie. Self-made, like Mount Rushmore. And in other news, let's get to some other news. Do you know who Cindy Yang is?

She was the owner of those massage parlors in Florida where they caught Robert Kraft. Okay, she's also a big Trump supporter. She was watching the Super Bowl at Mar-Lago at the time with Donald Trump. she says she's now being persecuted for being a big Trump supporter and she was a big Trump supporter she's not denying that in fact to get a happy ending

at one of her massage parlors you had to use the code phrase make my penis great again that's what you had to do Trump finally came around yesterday and did what every other country in the world has done now which is ground the Boeing 737 max 8

the one that crashes Boeing insists the plane is safe It's just a bug in the software Yeah, that makes you feel good It makes you feel good when you're about to take off And the pilot says, We'll be taking off just as soon as I finish downloading this update

And Trump was tweeting this week About he was very upset about the rumor That's going around that there is a Melania body double out there She is not a body double When he ordered her, it said Buy one get one free. That is.

is not the same thing as a body double. And if you're following the Democratic politics, there are now 15 because Beto O'Rourke is in. He has declared, wow, look at that groundswell right here. But Beto O'Rourke, you know, he ran for Senate in Texas. On the upside, he is a great campaigner. On the downside, he lost a popularity contest to Ted Cruz. So, and the other one who are waiting for now,

Biden. Anyone who wants Joe Biden to run for president? Oh, look at that. Joe Biden's got some fans. Yes. Well, Joe, I mean,

look, I'm not going to lie. He would be the oldest president ever. In fact, he's so old, his mother lied to get him into Plato's Academy. That's pretty good. Crowd knows Greek history. It's a great crime.

And finally, Sunday, St. Patrick's Day. And get this. As a tradition. Trump had the Prime Minister of Ireland to the White House. His name is Leo Vardicar. Doesn't sound Irish, but believe me, he is. And he is the first openly gay Prime Minister Ireland has ever had.

And he met Mike Pence and brought his partner. Which is a reminder that all Irish people are drunk. All right. Thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.