Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill – Ep. #502

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series, Real Time with Bill Maher. Did you see Robert Mueller? Oh, that was not good. He said the Russians are hacking us as we sit here now. And Mitch McConnell won't do anything about this.

You know, there's two bills in Congress to fix our elections so we don't get hacked. One that requires paper ballots. Another one that says you have to notify the FBI if somebody like Russia comes and says, we have dirt on your opponent. Mitch McConnell, nope. Not even going to bring them to the floor.

says they're just for a partisan advantage. Partisan. It's like opposing rape whistles because they give an edge to the woman. Trump was complaining today that Fox News is not loyal enough to him. Wow. This guy is hard to please. He's like the guy in porn who keeps saying, suck my dick while the girl is sucking his dick. Did you watch the debates?

Exhausting. Wow. Good for you. I had to. It's my job, but you're on the debate high, I can tell you. Last night, you see that, demonstrators were shouting at the beginning. They were yelling at Toblasio about police brutality, and they were yelling at Biden about immigration. And then Mayor Pete's mom was yelling, go to bed, you have school tomorrow. But that enthusiasm did not cross over to the home audience.

The ratings were way down from the first debate. and the debate last first night was against the Bachelorette, which I gotta say, I hate that overproduced reality show bullshit and don't get me started on The Bachelorette. You know who I like in the debate for one, Biden? Because when

they tell him his time is up, he stops talking immediately. After Trump, that's what we need. A president who knows when to shut the fuck up. And, uh, do you like Andrew Yang? Uh, boy, every time they came to him, he said the same thing. I'll give you a

thousand dollars. Matter what, Medicare for all, give you a thousand dollars. Children at the border, thousand dollars right here. What is your closing statement? I'll give you a thousand dollars. One time they showed him he was just counting out 20s. He was just at the podium.

Kristen Gillibrand, she tried to make a big splash by saying her first move as president would be to Khorox the Oval Office. Just what Trump's office needs. More whitening. Thanks. But yeah, last night and the night before,

we finally got the big battle in the Democratic Party that we need to have progressives versus the moderates. Okay, the progressives want Medicare for all, and the moderates want Trump for no one. And, of course, Twitter was very upset because Joe Biden started the night when Kamala came out by saying, Go easy on me, kid.

Outrage! Oh, for fuck's sake. He didn't say kid at a... disrespect, he forgot her name, he's old. His first idea was to say nurse. Kristen Gillibrand, she thought she had a big gotcha moment and she came up with this editorial that Biden wrote 38 years ago.

For more details, visit the National Archives. I mean, if I want to see people mercilessly harangue for shit that they said decades ago, I'd hang out with married people. But, you know, that Jillip... She just doubled down on that shit. She said as long as we're going back to 1981, yeah, let's do it.

And then she attacked Mayor Pete for not being born yet. Catch all new episodes of real time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.