Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/04/16)

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/04/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Start the clock. Good afternoon. At the tone, time will be real-time. You can sit down. Thank you very much. Wow, look at that. Yeah, looks good for Donald Trump. We had Super Tuesday. Did you watch the election returns?

Trump swept the South. But then again, so did Crystal Meth. So I... Hillary Clinton also swept the South. That's mostly because they thought she was Paula Dean. But Trump did very well. He won seven states. Donald Trump. Also, besides the South, one Vermont and Massachusetts.

They like him everywhere, as he will be the first to tell you. He was very happy the next day. There was a little extra skip in his goose step. He's... And I got to tell you, I was at the Oscar party Sunday night. People just, everyone coming up to me saying, Bill, could Trump really be president?

Yes! Get your head out of your ass. It could really happen. The zombies are inside them all. What does it take? The other thing people say to me all the time these days is, hey, a president Trump would be great for your show. Well, the motherfucker did sue me a few years ago.

It's great for the show until there's a drone strike. You know, I mean... And, of course, the really sad news, if it's not Trump, the alternative, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz had a pretty good night, Tuesday. He won Texas. Texas said maybe he's a prick, but he's our prick. Ted Cruz, yes, that's the other choice.

The worst person in America. Third choice is Marco Rubio, the kid in the public service head who finds a gun in his dad's drawer. Those are the three people who could be. Ted Cruz, he's trying to stop Donald Trump. He says, we need to see Trump's tax returns because he might have ties to the mob.

Where exactly on the tax form? Do you list mob ties? Because it's hard enough for me to figure out whether pot is business or entertainment. That's what I'm always doing on my... Yeah, I want to see Trump's returns, too. I want to see if he lists Chris Christie as a hostage or a dependent. Or a second home.

He's fat. He's a big... I told you this. He's a fat man. My writers won't listen to me, but he's fat. And sooner or later, we're going to jump on that. Now, for some reason, Trump keeps flying Christie around the country to be with him, and he was with him on Tuesday night standing behind Donald Trump.

And the look on Christy's face was pained, to say the least. It became an internet meme to see poor Chris Christie. I haven't felt that bad for a fat guy I hate since I've got to go back to Newman from Seinfeld getting eaten in Jurassic Park. But it's interesting this stop Trump movement. Trump, of course, is raging against the machine. So the Republicans brought out the machine, Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney really let fire. He called out Trump for the bullying.

He said the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics. Hey, asshole, that's what his followers like about him. And of course, Trump, you know, took the bait, as he always does. He got mad. He said to Mitt Romney, be a man. If you're gonna insult me, tweet it to my face. Is there any wonder that Google searches for how to move to

Canada are up a thousand percent. That is true. Followed very closely by Google searches for it, does Canada get the McRib? Just saying Americans. Sad news from the presidential trail,

Ben Carson's campaign died peacefully in its sleep. Yes, Ben said he realized he wasn't energizing his supporters enough when he noticed people at his rallies wearing those airline neck pillows. And that's Thank you very much.

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