Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/11/16)

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 03/11/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. I think I know why this crowd is happy because Bernie Sanders had a huge victory Tuesday in the Michigan primary. The biggest comeback ever. Yeah, well, feel the burn.

Yes, I mean, this is the biggest comeback a Jew has made since, I think, the New Testament. He was... They're saying it's the biggest comeback in primary history. Nobody predicted this. Even Miss Cleo was like, what the hell of him? No, he was behind in the polls like 37 points by some polling. Some of them had 20 behind.

Amazing. And you know why? Because pollsters don't know how to reach millennials. If only there was a way to embed poll questions and a dick pick, they would know what they're thinking, but they don't. And that's who loves burning. And Hillary, oh, this husband. upset their camp. They are shitting in their pantsuits over there.

It was terrible. But Hillary's trying desperately out to relate to the millennials. She announced today that at the next debate she's going to be wired on Adderall. So I don't know if that's... And this, despite the fact that they also said Bernie was not going to do well

with African Americans. He did much better than he's done in the past. Not great, but way better. And they thought he was really cooked because that the debate they had in Michigan, he used the word ghetto. Oh, my God. He's an old Jew. He used the word ghetto.

He didn't say he had binders full of black people. Now, here's something amazing. You know who else Bernie won big with? Muslim voters. There's a huge Muslim population in Dearborn Michigan. They went for Bernie Sanders. That's America, huh? The Muslims voting for a Jew.

Well, they like his policies on trade. They like his policies on health care, and they like it that he doesn't eat bacon. So they... But last night, I don't know if you saw it, Hillary and Bernie debated again, this time in Miami. I'm getting a little sick of these.

It's like the fate of nations is in the hands of Stiller and Mirror. Just for the old people like Bill. Not me. I don't know who Stiller and Mirror are, I just read the cards. No. No, but they are

kind of like that old couple. who agree on almost everything, but they bicker for hours about tiny things each one was wrong about in the past. If you were next to them on a cruise ship, you would douse yourself in steak sauce and jump right over. Now, on the Republican side,

people are now really, really freaking out about Donald Trump. Because he won big on Tuesday, won three primaries, and it looks like he's unstoppable. I don't know if you saw this, but after his big win, what he did was he had a press conference, he had a table full of his fucking steaks

that he sells behind him. If you're keeping score, this is the second week in a row he's been bragging about his meat. And by the way, are mail-order steaks a good idea? I mean, you're not home. UPS leaves them on the porch for six hours. You get home, there's a family of bears fighting over them. I mean, and the slogan for the stakes was terrible. Steak as pink and marbled with fat as the man himself.

Who is going to buy a steak like that? And the Trump wine that he was selling? I mean, this is the guy who wants to deport every single Mexican in America. Who do you think is picking those grapes for his wine? Summer interns from the Wharton School of Business? So now the Republican establishment is lining up behind Ted Cruz, it looks like, the only other alternative. This is a great choice, right?

You can either have Trump, the man who gives us whatever horrible idea pops into his head at the moment. Or Ted Cruz, it gives us all the horrible ideas. He's been planning since high school. Yeah, isn't it amazing? Ted Cruz is going to stop Donald Trump. Did anybody see the Vice episode where they are now treating cancer by injecting AIDS into it?

It's kind of like that. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.