Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/29/16)

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/29/16) - Listen in on the jokesonly Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. How are they? Awesome. Well, there's, of course, a lot of big news going on. I guess you saw there was a big primary, five big primaries on Tuesday, and now it looks pretty sure that it's going to be Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump for the presidency at the big finale of our game show. and yeah there was five northeast states my neck of the woods Trump not only killed in the general vote

29% was the average he won in most places but he also for the first time this has said one with well-educated voters despite his best efforts I mean this just proves even when you get to the more educated states Republicans in those states

are still quite stupid Trump at his victory rally on Tuesday night was talking about how people were saying in the past that, you know, he is moderating his campaign and there were people around him who was controlling me. He said, not true. He said, I am me. And then revealed his new campaign slogan, yes, me can. I am me. Even Malani was like, you're English, no too good, daddy. So the Stop Trump alliance looks like it's on its last breath. They tried. The two other guys in the race, Kasich and Ted Cruz formed an alliance,

just like on a reality show. They did. They formed an alliance this week, and this is pivotal moment for John Kasich, because he needs more delegates to be viable at the convention. And it's also pivotal for Ted Cruz, because this is the closest he's ever come to having a friend. Yeah. Cruz finished last, so of course he picked his running mate.

It was Carly Fiorina, so watch out Trump. The man who nobody likes just added the woman nobody voted for. Yeah. Carly Fiorina. Wow. That's like taking your sister to the prom if your sister is Carrie. But people were asking, why is this even happening? They made a big event of it.

of it, you know, and he announces her, and Carly comes on the stage and accepts. It was like two toddlers pretending to have a tea party. But Ted Cruz said he chose Carly after a great deal of consideration and prayer. And God released a press release today. He said, you losers leave me out of this. And this is, I mean, we have certainly had our fun with Ted Cruz and how unpopular. but this takes the cake. John Boehner, remember him? Yesterday he was speaking at Stanford, I think it was, and he said, quote, he said, Ted Cruz is Lucifer in the flesh. He said, I've worked with a lot of people, I get along with everybody. He said, I have never worked with the more miserable son of a bitch in my whole life. And Ted Cruz said, so you don't want to be Secretary of State?

Never worked with the more miserable son of a bitch in my whole life. And that is saying something from a guy who worked with Dennis Hastert. Remember him? The guy who sat in the lazy boy chair and watched teenagers in the shower. I don't know if you remember Dennis Hastert, but he was the Speaker of the House in the 90s. At the time of 9-11, he was second in line for the throne. He admitted yesterday to being a serial child molester.

In his defense, he did always use the correct bathroom. when he went it in public. But the other big story, of course, is Trump accused Hillary of playing the woman card. You know that card women always play by being born female. Yeah, women, women, they have been so easy in politics as opposed to white men born into great wealth

who just can't catch a break. Yeah, there's absolutely no self-awareness with Donald Trump. If he were black or a woman, he would have been thrown out of the race six months ago. In fact, if he were a woman, he'd be Carly Fiorina. And then Donald Trump, yesterday, he gave a big boy speech on foreign policy. Wow, he used a teleprompter and everything. See, Trump normally uses a teleprompter as little as possible.

He does not want to alienate his base by reading. And, of course, the theme of his speech was America First. He has no idea what that means, but he knows it fits on a hat. That's all that matters. Now, America First actually was an isolationist group in the 1940s who sided with Hitler. I'm sure Trump didn't know that. It's just a happy coincidence. You've heard of the accidental tourist.

He's the accidental fascist. But he said his big theme was America needs to be more unpredictable. Can't know what we're doing. That's right. That's how he wants the world to see us, like the lunatic kid on the playground who nobody messes with because he might actually bite you. And in his great foreign policy speech,

showing how much he knew about foreign policy, he mispronounced the country of Tanzania. He said it was Tanzania. Has me even more thinking about moving to Canada. But he does have foreign policy experience. You've got to give Donald Trump. He has golf courses in Ireland. His neckties are made in China.

And of course, his wives were imported from Eastern Europe. All right, thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. Or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.