Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 05/27/16)

Episode Date: May 31, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 05/27/16)- Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's something else here now. Something new. From. Exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules.

Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Alarm anyone here, but for the first time in a head-to-head matchup in the polls between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Trump is ahead. What historians are calling the beginning of the Great Northern Migration.

For you horror fans, this is the part of the movie where the zombies have gotten into the mall. No, he's wrapping everything up, Donald Trump. He's over 1237. He's got his delegates in line. He's got the endorsement of the NRA last week, even though he never fired a gun. But he has fired Gary Busey, who has the IQ of a gun.

And, you know, this guy, he only knows one's week. Even though he's one, he's still washing out everybody, insulting everybody. Yesterday he was calling Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas! Pocahontas! He's just jealous because Indians know how to run casino. You know, he's...

But people are getting nervous. There's a group of over 400 writers led by Stephen King who put out an online petition trying to get America to turn against Donald Trump. 400 writers. It really hurt Donald Trump, because Donald Trump loves books.

Especially Chapter 11. That's his... But Hillary is not having the best week. The State Department Inspector General came back with his report about her dreaded email. And I don't want to say it was bad, but the first sentence in it is, Hey, Bernie, you're going to love this. Yeah, apparently she broke the State Department rules, and they said it presented a security risk.

And also, they said she spent an ignorant amount of time on an app game called Calculating Bird. And that's... Yeah, Hillary's on a big campaign swing right here through California. She says she loves sunny California. It's a chance to work on her bland. Now, actually, all three candidates are here in California because the primary is coming up next week. Pretty exciting stuff. Hillary is concentrating on the techies up north, and Bernie's concentrating on the liberals here down in the south.

And Trump is mostly working on the meth heads in the middle. Now, the other big story that broke this week was Bill Cosby. I don't know if we still have Bill Cosby fans. But Bill... Well, there was a time when I said that and people booed. How could you make jokes about Bill Cosby? I think that worm has turned. But Bill Cosby, apparently now,

going to be standing trial for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting someone over 10 years ago. This is very disconcerting for me. married women who also always used falling asleep as a way to avoid sex. But, no, they unsealed some 10-year-old depositions that Cosby gave, and Cosby said, this is what Cosby admits. He said that a modeling agency used to send over five or six girls a week. And when Cosby called a girl 10, he was talking in milligrams. He was just, he was just, but, but,

But five or six models a week, he preferred models because they were more likely to be compliant and less likely to want dinner. But here's my favorite part of the deposition. They asked him in the deposition, this is a deposition, the legal lawyers and all that kind of shit. And they said, Mr. Cosby, so you used lotion. She used lotion on your penis and rubbed it until you ejaculated. And he said, bingo. I swear to God. Bingo.

And when he came, he used to say Yotsie. And when he couldn't get it up, he said, you sunk my battleship. Thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. Or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.