Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 07/15/16)

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 07/15/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's something else here now. Something new. From. Exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules.

Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. I am very impressed you're so enthusiastic, considering most of you are lord here by Pokemon Go. The only upside is that the adults, I call them that with license, wandering around the

streets, looking down at their phones, are more likely to be hit by a bus. So it's the good news. Did you see he made a great speech this week, and he said, you know, America, not as divided as we seem. And I swear to God, Trump immediately tweeted back, we are a divided nation. And I should know, I divided it. Finally, a president who can bring this country apart. But, hey, this is his week coming up. The convention is starting. Everybody, all they're talking about on the news today is who's he going to pick for his running mate?

They say it's between this guy, Mike Pence, the governor of Indiana, and the, the robot that shot the Dallas shooter. Those are the two. But are you ready for the big Republican convention starting on many? This is the place to be. Cleveland, this is the place to be for everyone who thinks with their fists and reasons with their nuts and breathes with their mouth. It's, of course, this is a little different as far as conventions go.

The Republican convention will be missing. on purpose, both living presidents who could go but chose not to, the last two nominees of the Republican Party who could go but chose not to, and the governor of the state where the convention is being held does not want to go.

And we all pretend this is normal? It's like if you bought a car and before you started it, everyone in the dealership hit under their desks. They said, night, night one of the conventions can be all about Benghazi and people who have been murdered by illegal immigration, immigrants and Melania, because a lynch mob needs some eye candy.

Melania won't be speaking. Trump wants her to walk up and down wearing a bathing suit and a sash that says First Lady. So that's... No, I'm kidding. She will be speaking. She's making a very moving speech about the day she got Trump's letter from the mail-order bride company. And she immediately put down the possible.

she was cleaning and borrowed a pair of shoes from the village elders and hopped on the giant flying bird. And the rest is history, ladies and gentlemen. So that's night one. Night two of the convention will be the crocodile from Disney World and William Shatner's hair. No, I'm kidding. Night two will be Scott Walker. Scott Walker, yeah. Governor Wisconsin and Tiffany Trump.

The people who are doing the closed caption stuff can just write duh and go home. Because this... Yes. The Republicans, the party of idea. Night three. Oh, this is going to be very exciting. It's Ronald Reagan's Seance Night.

So that's... No, actually, the lineup is Newt Gingrich, Ted Cruz, and Eric Trump. And Rachel Maddo saw this and said, You're working too hard. I'm already a lesbian. Thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time

with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.