Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/07/16)

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/07/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. You're in a great mood because you're not in Florida. Wow. I've been watching CNN all day, nothing but back-to-back coverage of Hurricane Matthew, Hurricane Matthew, which is a nice break from the usual wall-to-wall coverage of that other gigantic blowheart.

Oh, I kid Donald Trump. It's interesting. The hurricane is heading right toward his house at Mar-a-Lago. They say it could result in the greatest loss of tacky gold furniture since we bombed Saddam Hussein. It's, no, now don't forget, this storm has been made worse by highest ocean temperatures ever on record, and yet Florida, in the state of Florida, state officials are not allowed to mention climate change. That's true. The official analysis says we clearly have angered Poseidon.

I saw CBS News interviewed a man, and, you know, it is Florida. He said he wasn't evacuating because it was too much trouble to pick up all his firearms. So he's going to stay put and shoot the hurricane. And we are sending the National Guard, the Coast Guard, and FEMA, and everything else that Trump does not support with taxes. Oh, I... Oh, it's okay. So Trump's campaign manager says that Trump has learned his lesson from the first debate, and he is preparing constantly now.

Yes, preparing. Ask him the weight of any Miss Universe ever, and he'll just reel it right off. Here's how Trump is preparing constantly. This is his week. First he gets up there, he says, Hillary couldn't make it 15 feet to her car. Then he made it. He imitates her collapsing. And he accused her of cheating on Bill.

I love this cartoon of Hillary he has. She is both a frail, dying old lady, and she's banging the pool board. Yeah, he's preparing all week. This is what he said today. He said, if he doesn't win, he said, this will be, quote, the greatest waste of time, money, and energy in my lifetime. He's starting to sound like Citizen Kane, realizing his life has been for nothing.

Except in his dying breath, he doesn't say Rosebud, he says, Rosie O'Donnell. And how about this? One of the many scandals if this was anybody else it would be enough to sink him. The Trump Foundation

has been ordered to cease fundraising because it's not really a charitable organization. Well, it's a little confusing. When I say Trump Foundation, I don't mean the makeup he puts on. So did you watch the vice presidential debate?

37 million people watched that, which means it had the ratings of Monday Night Football and the excitement of Sunday afternoon golf. Wow. It's like being trapped in a hotel elevator with two businessmen who were talking about the free breakfast. Yeah, apparently the people watching, you know, the undecided, the fucking idiot. They didn't like the fact that Tim Kane interrupted. He interrupted Mike Pence 72 times. That is a lot. 72 interruptions. At one point, the moderator actually said, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

That's how much he was interrupted. And by the way, you know, you have to understand. Pence. Only look sane because he's running with Donald Trump. This really bothers me. He's actually a fucking crackpot. He is. He's a huge right-wing asshole.

Get this. This is how anti-abortion this guy is. He signed a law in Indiana forcing women who have abortions to make funeral arrangements for the fetus. He's one of those every sperm is sacred guys. After he

masturbates, he brings out a bugle and plays taps. All right. Thank you. Catch all new episodes of real time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime

on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to hbO.com.