Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/14/16)

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/14/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Put your beautiful asses down. Thank you. Wow. What a crowd, huh? Pumped up. They're pumped up. They've got to be pumped up. You pumped him up.

Well, welcome to this week's episode of Donald Trump did what? No, another... Another day, another story. on CNN that begins with warning, contains graphic language. I mean, you can say pussy now on TV because of, have you seen that? They're all of a TV. They're actually saying the word pussy. I mean, poor Anderson Cooper, he hasn't thought this much about pussy his whole life. So you know what happened. Last Friday, of course, the tape came out from the Billy Bush Party bus,

where Donald Trump was talking about what he does to women, basically sexually assaults them. And then on the debate, Sunday, two days later, Anderson Cooper asked him, did you see the debate, first of all? It was quite a debate. Trump is either on Coke or he got a tick-tack stuck in his nostrils. I don't know, one of the two.

But at the debate, Anderson Cooper kept pressing Donald Trump. You know, you talk about doing this. You said, this is what I do. I put a tick in my mouth, tick-tack in my mouth, because I just start kissing women without asking, did you ever really do that?

No, of course not. Of course I would never do that. Never did actually any of the sexy, assaulty stuff that he says. But now women are coming forward and saying, no, that's exactly what you did and that's exactly who you are. Folks, I tell you, Republicans,

they're not sending us their best. They're rapists. They're against drugs. And some, I assume, a good people. But so here the allegations that have come out. I mean, it's double figures now. One woman says in the 80s, Donald Trump was on

an airplane with her, and she says his hands were all over her. It must have been like being felt up by a munchkin. Those tiny little hands. Poor, well, I feel violated when the guy next to me takes off his shoes. I mean,

and this was in first class, because there isn't a section called no class. This was all in Donald Trump's book, The Art of the Feel. I don't know if you heard about. But of course, Donald Trump denies everything. He says, please, I would never cheat on Ivanka.

Okay, then there's a reporter for People Magazine. She was down at Mar-A-Lago to do every year People Magazine does their big cover story, and she was down there to do it on Trump, the sexist man alive. And apparently he uses the same MO when

he's trying to get laid at Mar-a-Lago with somebody. He asks if they want to see the ball room, then he takes them into a room and shows them his balls. It's not a great MO, but it... And then he says to the woman after he sticks his tongue down to his throat, you know we're going to have an affair, don't you? And then he offered to take her out to a steakhouse. Yes, step into my time machine and let me whisk you to 1958.

The worst, I think, he's on video, talking about a 10-year-old girl. He talks to her, and then he says, she goes away, and he says to the person, He's with, I'm going to be dating her in 10 years. So apparently he's locked up the Jared from Subway vote. This is who is going to make America great again, folks? Your senile, horny grandpa, you have to stop taking to the grocery store? Of course, Trump is taking it well, I'm joking. He's lashing out at everybody else.

It's never his fault. Lashing out at the media. He said about the media, anyone who challenges their control is deemed sexist, racist, xenophobic and morally deformed. And it's just coincidence. I happen to be all those things. He said the polls are fixed.

His poll needs to be fixed. That's what needs to be fixed. He was in Florida today encouraging people to register to vote, and they were encouraging him to register as a sex offender. And so far, three dozen Republican lawmakers have withdrawn their support. Most of course of them are still

still with Trump. They're doing what the Trump victims do. They're just closing their eyes and waiting for the whole thing to be over. And... But Donald Trump, you know, he doesn't feel like he's beholden to the Republican Party.

He said the other day, the shackles are off. As if they haven't been all the whole time. The shackles are off. This is like Chris Christie saying, that's it. I'm going to eat whatever I want. All right, thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time

with Bill Mark. every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.