Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/16/15)

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/16/15)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. I'm going to play to this one. Thank you. Thank you. Democrats, thank you Republicans. So you watch the Democratic debate.

Did you wait? 15 million people who knew people were so interested. And we got to see for the first time all five candidates. And I think the message from the Democrats, the message from the Democrats was clear. We've got losers, too. Yeah, we finally got to see the other three. The other three who are polling at less than 1%

and they had a chance to show us why. I think Americans learned a lot from that debate, like Lincoln Shafee is not a car and not a candidate either. Did you see this guy? He looked like he wandered in from a life insurance commercial. I kept waiting for him to say, you cannot be turned down for any reason.

Pathetic. I'm telling you, this guy was pathetic. They asked him about his first vote, which was to get rid of Glass-Steagall, which was a bad vote. You know, we know that now. And his excuse was, he said, it was my first vote. I just arrived in the Senate. My father just died. What? Every other politician in the world is, on day one, I'll do this. On day one, I'll do this.

This guy's like, you know what, what do you want for me? It was day one. I was still putting my shit in the desk. I didn't know. I didn't know where anything was. They told me I would have my own bathroom, and I didn't. But the biggest moment of the night was Bernie Sanders. That's right.

When Bernie Sanders said to Hillary Clinton and everybody in America were sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails. And it's true that most Americans don't care about Hillary's emails because they're too busy checking their own. And Hillary, you gotta give it to her. She is a smooth debater. She managed to call herself an outsider at one point, even though she had already been in politics for many years

when Marco Rubia was still eating Legos. Ted Cruz today said the debate showed that they want to restrict your freedom, take away your liberty. He said it was an audition, that debate, for who would wear the jack boot most vigorously? Oh, I'm worried about Ted. Every time he talks, he sounds like he's quoting his dominatrix. His head is no stranger to the ball gag, I have a feeling.

I don't know for a fact. And the other Republican making news today, Dr. Ben Carson, the brilliant neurosurgeon, is putting his campaign on hold to go out and promote his book for a couple of weeks. The book is called How to Operate on Brains When You Don't Have One. I'll tell you, Dr. Ben, I'm going to say, after listening to him now for a few months in this campaign, I have less confidence in brain surgery itself. If I have to have it, before I go under, I don't want to hear, the earth is 6,000 years old.

Scalpel? All right, thank you very much for going to do the new rules. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. more information, log on to hbo.com.