Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/2/15)

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Thank you. Yeah, Donald Trump, he's in big trouble today. He found out that he sold one of his condos. He was always bragging about departments he sold to a dictator. I remember in Haiti, Papa Doc and his son who ran the country from a baby doc. He sold the apartment to Baby Doc Duvalier, and they're very upset.

And Trump, I don't think he understands. foreign affairs. He said, what's it matter? They don't like pediatricians? Baby. But he really must think he's going to be president now because I noticed the wife is starting to do interviews. His wife, Melania, from Slovenia.

How many know where Slovenia is? Yeah. I'm not sure of myself, but she's hot, the guy says. Like that matters, sir. But she said, no, she thinks she thinks Donald will be a very fine president. She said, look, I'm from the Balkans. I know ethnic cleansing.

if anybody can pull it off, it's dumb. But I think I know why you're excited, because someone, someone has started a pointless military operation in the Middle East, and for once it's not us. How about that? That's right.

Russia, right. Russia is now bombing Syria. It's a terrible, hostile, immoral thing, and it gets in the way of our bombing Syria. But Russia's bombing of Syria is, bad because it supports the government of Assad. And our bombing is good because it supports nobody.

We don't even know. I mean, those poor people on the ground who are being killed by Russian bombs instead of our bombs, they don't even get to taste freedom on their way. But no, it is really hard to figure out who the real peace-loving Syrians are and who we

should be supporting. But I'll give you a hint. They're in Germany. they're not even there anymore. Kim Davis, remember her? Turns out that the Pope, when he was here last week, and he could have met with anybody, met with Kim Davis, the county clerk from Kentucky who wouldn't let gay people get married.

Unbelievable. Apparently, we're getting word from the meeting. The Pope's first words to Kim Davis were, Jesus Christ, I thought I was holier than that. Yes, Kim Davis. Oh, to be a fly. on the wall for that meeting when an adulteress on her fourth marriage

and an old virgin man in a dress got together to talk about how messed up gay people are. But it does kind of make sense. Jesus met with prostitutes and the Pope met with a publicity whore. So it's...

But liberals you know, who are loving the Pope. They're not so happy with him now. Because a few months ago, the pope was the one who said, who am I to judge gay people? And now he's like, oh, that's right, I'm the fucking Pope. Totally slipped my mind. That's right, I'm the Pope.

But, no, the Pope gave Kim Davis as a gift. He gave her rosary beads that he had blessed. And I don't think she got it. He gave her the beads, and she lifted up her shirt and went, woo! Woo! Those kind of beads. Yeah.

The Pope told her. to be strong and do something about your hair. He said, the sick I can heal, but that outfit, I just can't help you. But speaking of losing the women's vote, over at, in Congress yesterday, the congressional Republicans, you know, they're still very upset that Planned Parenthood even exists.

So the world's worst sausage party gave a grilling to the CEO of Planned Parenthood, Cecil Richards, her like a serial killer, white guy after white guy, was trying to get her to admit that abortion is wrong, procuring fetal tissue is outrageous,

and the female orgasm is a myth. Come on. And on that subject, three more women have come forward to say that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted. I know, and people are asking, why now? Probably because they just came two.

And finally, here's a great story. I'm old enough to remember the O.J. trial. I know the kids don't remember it. But back in the 90s, we had a great trial with O.J. Simpson. And that's why us people who remember that know that the name Kardashian is not new to us. O.J. Simpson's best friend and his lawyer was Kim Kardashian's father, Robert Kardashian. And it turned out, we found out today. O.J. Simpson planned to commit suicide before the famous Bronco chase in Kim Kardashian's bedroom.

And Robert Kardashian talked him out of it. but it would have been the first time a black man came out of Kim's bedroom and wasn't happy. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.