Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/30/15)

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 10/30/15)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Oh, man, you could sit down. Oh, how's the crowd, Bill? They sound hot. I know why, because it's Halloween this week. Are you in the mood already?

Do you have the Halloween fever? What I get out of this Republican bait is, apparently America is a flaming bag of dog crap on the world's doorstep, and the Republicans, by God, are going to stamp it out. There's some things all the candidates up there agreed upon. The media is bad. Oh, Democrats are bad.

Government's bad. Regulations are bad. Taxes are bad. And Obama stops needing to be so negative. He needs to stop being so many. Whatever. I'm joking there somewhere. Speaking to Dr. Ben Carson, now the leader of the Republican field.

A head of Donald Trump. How about that? Now, you can tell Dr. Ben Carson's a leader because they had a debate last. He was the only guy, all the other Republicans were nice, too. It's true. Although there was one awkward moment where Ted Cruz asked to touch his hair, which was just wrong. I know.

But the big winner, they said, was Marco Rubio. They're like, finally, a candidate who can beat Hillary. And the team beggars are like, finally, a candidate we can beat off over. Now, there were a couple of big losers from last night. The first big loser, Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush. I don't want to say that he's inert. But his biggest line at the night was,

Quick Impression, My brother on 9-11. Slowly going around the room. And the other big losers, of course, were the CNBC moderators who host everybody hates them. I never thought I'd be saying to myself, please shut up and let Donald Trump speak. I went from thinking,

We need 15 candidates to do we need CNBC? I mean, some of these questions were just rude and over the line. And I'm the guy who said Trump's mom slept with an orangutan. So, I mean, that's, and I say over the line. But no, they ask questions that, you know, you'd be embarrassed to hear on the newlywed game. The very first question, maybe the stupidest question I've ever heard, asked in the debate, what's your biggest weakness?

Oh, CNBC moderates, now you know why you're stuck on a news channel that people only watch at the airport. But now, of course, it's just an opportunity for them to do a humble brag, and all of them did. They all did some version of, my biggest weakness. Well, I guess I'm too presidential. Jeb Bush said, I can't fake anger. He did. Or apparently any other human emotions. Ted, I love Ted Cruz's answer.

His biggest week, he said, if you want a guy he'd grab a beer with, I'm not that guy. If you want... If you want a guy who will drive you home, I'll get the job done. Who did you think he's running against Ted Kennedy? And by the way, Ted, if America wants

a designated driver type for president, Hillary's got that in the bag. So we have a new speaker of the house. It is Paul Ryan. He didn't want them. the job, but they assured him this is Congress. You won't have to do any work. And

finally, some news from overseas. China, after 35 years is ending its one child policy. You know, they made it a law. You can only have one child. Now you're allowed to have two. But, no substitutions. Catch all new episodes of real-time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10

or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com. Thank you.