Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/04/16)

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/04/16) - Listen in on the jokes only Bill’s audience got to hear. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. All right. Well, are you nervous? It's four days before the election. Everyone wants to know. Who is James Comey going to pick?

Now, for those of you who think that Trump winning could never happen, I have two words for you, Chicago Cup. And for those who think Americans won't make a catastrophic... stupid presidential choice when things are good, I have two words and one letter for you, George W. Bush.

I mean, I don't know whether the Cubs winning is like a good omen for Hillary or a good omen for Trump. What I do know is they both ran ads during the World Series last night. Did you see that? Trump's ad was so stupid. He said, we need a wall to stop Latinos

from stealing bases. I mean, and do we have Chicago? here today? Are you Chicago people? Right? Okay. Well, Chicago went crazy last night. People in the street screaming, shooting guns in the air. Then the game started. Oh, I kid Chicago. No, how about those cups? They were down three to one, and they came back to win the whole thing. I tell you, between what's going on at that North Dakota pipeline and the game last night,

tough week to be an Indian. Just to... I didn't steal their land. What do you... But, no, everything comes back to the election. I mean, liberals, do your yoga breathing. It's always nerve-wracking before election day. Or as black folks call it, stand in line only to find out you don't have proper ID day.

No, you better vote. You better vote. Or else next year, this show will be called Real Time with Scott Bayo. What's so scary is that James Comey's, October surprise, is hurting Hillary in the polls. Likely voters get this, say they trust Trump more than Hillary by eight points. It's like trusting the dummy more than the ventriloquist. And President Obama criticized Comey yesterday, not by name, but he said, we don't operate on leaks. Really?

I was watching CNN today. The graphic said, Breaking Innuendo. No, the FBI, a lot of people think the FBI is meddling in our elections. And the Russians today said, hey, that's our job.

Back on. And not just the FBI, but, you know, the WikiLeaks, Julia Assange said, listen to it, Julia Assange said today, the leaks aren't coming from Russia. He said it on Russian TV. He said it on their,

on their popular morning show, Good Riddance America. And then Putin came out, they did a cooking segment where they poisoned the soup. But I'd say, yeah, if Trump wins this election, I am personally going to kill Anthony Weiner. Billy Bush and Anthony Weiner and Bush, that's this election. And the only way you'll be able to sext Anthony Weener, is by seance. That's... They're gonna fucking kill him.

But... No, if only Weiner had been sexting with a Samsung, the evidence would have destroyed itself. Now, I know if you heard this, but Anthony Weiner yesterday went into sex rehab. He's in rehab. Yep. He's got a monkey on his back

and he's going to try to stop spanking it. Oh, yeah. Sex addiction. Sexed addiction rehab. There's actually such a thing. The first 24 hours they say are the hardest. Your texting thumbs are shaking uncontrollably. And then they go into group therapy,

where everyone tells horror stories about the time they were about to have an orgasm, and the internet went down. It's terrible. I cannot digest that Donald Trump is actually one of our choices. It's like keeping plutonium in the refrigerator. I might never drink it by mistake, but why take the chance?

the chance. I mean, this is a man who is not morally qualified to cats in. I mean, if you went on vacation and you asked Donald Trump to pick up your mail, he'd come back, your house would be foreclosed, the lawn would be scorched, and he'd be grabbing the mailman's ass.

I mean, you know, he got an endorsement this week from the Ku Klux Klan. Yes. Well, the king. The KKK and the FBI have both now endorsed Donald Trump. But the Klan's official, Donald Trump has gotten three newspaper endorsements. Every other newspaper in America, even the conservative ones, are for Hillary.

Trump has Sheldon Adelson's newspaper in Nevada, owned by that asshole billionaire, the National Inquirer, and the Klan's official newspaper. Yes, the Klan has a newspaper. The paper boy leaves it on your lawn on fire. It's like any other news. newspaper except instead of Mondays Garfield hates black people. And it's not just the clan who Trump has on his side. Militia groups, you know, most militia groups. They said they're going to take action if Trump

doesn't win. Hey assholes, better watch what you wish for. If Trump ever really did bring your jobs back, then you wouldn't have time to jerk off into your guns and wander around in the woods. All right. Thank you very much for coming. of real time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.