Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 11/13/15)

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Proud on a Thursday, boy, when you see how rough and shitty this rehearsal is, you don't want to take that applause back. See, I like to set the bar low. Now anything looks good.

Well, let's get to the important news. The stuff that really matters to Americans, Donald Trump is on the warpath saying that Hillary Clinton wears a wig. I am not making this out. This is what he is saying today. This is for a man who uses so much hairspray, he bought a beauty pageant. But that's his thing today.

He wants to know, is Hillary wearing a wig? Well, I mean, years ago, I asked, is Donald Trump wearing a ferret on his head? So I think it's a fair question. Trump said it's not very presidential to wear a wig. I mean, you wouldn't catch any of our founding fathers wearing a wig. Well, there was another Republican debate this week. Donald Trump, by the way, clearly ran out of stuff to say about three debates ago.

Even his own people are going again with the Mexicans. This guy talks about the wall more times than Pink Floyd. I mean, so it seems like everybody agreed that what we need to do in America, because this was the debate about the economy, was rain and waste, cut spending, and acknowledge that the government doesn't do anything right, except that none of that applies to the military. They're always perfect.

Rand Paul, again, the one dissenter, suggested that maybe our trillion-dollar military budget has something to do with the giant deficit, and they treated him like he just let out a loud fart. Then they... Yeah, they are fact-free. They went to Carly Fiorina and asked her a question. They said,

explain why the economy does better under Democratic presidents. I swear to God, word for word, I met a woman the other day who was worried about her children. Why don't it just point to the balcony and go, Hey, scasquatch! Where else are you get to do this in America?

On family feud, if they say name an animal with claws, can you go, I met a man in Iowa? But Hillary's wig and the welders, this is not even close to the stupidest thing that came out this week in the presidential race. They asked Jeff Bush, oh my God, Would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? And he said, fuck yeah, I would.

And then they asked Ben Carson. He said, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't go back and kill him. So now we have a debate about something really important. CNN actually had the headline in their website, Ben Carson would not abort baby Hitler. And then the head of the Pulitzer Prize Committee called up CNN

and just made vomiting sounds. I'm telling you if any alien see this, they're just going to go, fuck it, blow those assholes. Would you kill baby Hitler? And then everybody has to weigh out of it. Trump said he would not, but he would go back in time and kill Rosie O'Donnell.

And Chris Christie said he would go back in time, but just because steak was a nickel back then. Yeah, apparently Chris Christie Now, he got demoted to the kids' table this time. Apparently, he won that debate. But the kids' table this time was Chris Christie, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, and Mike Huckabee,

a who's who of who couldn't get laid in high school. But Christy trying to get his credentials there with the white voters that the Republicans are always courting. He said he was talking to the Black Lives Matter people. He said, don't call me for a meeting because you're not getting one. unless you have pizza. And then, of course, I will... But, no, there's a lot of racial unrest going on on campuses right now.

Have you seen what's going on in the University of Missouri? The students are demanding a safe place on campus. Now, when I was on campus, the safe place was behind the English department where no one could see you getting high. That was the safe place. But, no, it's not easy being a black student in Columbia, Missouri. For example, if you want hair extensions, you have to cut the tail off a cow. Come on.

Columbia mystery. But you saw what happened. There was some racial incidents on campus. The students wanted the president to resign. He didn't. And the football team threatened to skip a game, and the president was gone. Which sends a great message. We're sensitive to the terrible legacy of slavery.

as long as we can keep earning money from unpaid black people. That's what the football team is. But the other story so interesting today, despite Michelle Obama's ardent effort to get America to lose weight with her let's move campaign, adult obesity has gone up in the last two years. And Republicans were walking around patting their big guts going, we showed her.

All right. Thank you very much for coming. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.