Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 1/29/16)

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Boy, are they happy today? Of course, it's the middle of the day. You're not working. And you're being entertained for free. Well, we'll see about the entertained.

I mean, let's not count our chickens. But there is a lot of exciting political news. And, of course, who's leading it, Donald Trump. Donald Trump, not going to the Republican debate tonight. He somehow found something to boycott even wider than the Oscars. Isn't that amazing? But you know why Trump is boycotting, because the debate is on Fox,

and the moderator is Megan Kelly. And at the first debate, a few months ago, she asked Trump a tough question, and that made him sad. So he took his ball and he went home. and then launched into his usual tirade about how Obama is a weakling. Obama's the weakling.

I gotta say, Trump is the perfect standard bear for the modern Republican male, full of rage, fact-free, and terrified of women. But they told Donald Trump, at least you should have respect for the voters to do what Ben Carson does.

If you don't want to be here, drink a whole bottle of NyQuil, and just leap through it. But, you know, without Trump at the debate, how are we the audience going to know who's ugly, who's a loser, who's getting their period, who's low energy,

and whether China's laughing at it. But it is pretty amazing. Even when he doesn't do something, he sucks up all the oxygen. Now if we're only come to L.A. and suck up that methane. Boy, I'm worried about that. And Trump, no, that Trump said, a few days ago, he said, these are his words.

He said, I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and people would still vote for me. I would still get the Republican base to like me. He might be right. And if he shot a black guy, he'd be definitely right. Hey, Bill O'Reilly,

Bill O'Reilly said today that Trump should go to the debate because he said, quote, Jesus would turn the other cheek, as if Trump gives a shit what Jesus would do. The only Jesus Trump cares about is the we need to build a wall around in Mexico. But Trump does have a lot of enemies. Listen to this.

I didn't even know this. Anne Frank. Yes, I just said Anne Frank. Anne Frank is in the news. She had a step sister who is now 86 years old, and she said Trump is, quote, acting like another Hitler. And Trump tweeted,

Anne Frank was boring in her diary... Sales of her diary are very bad. Isn't that something? And Frank's sister does not like Donald Trump. She also said, quote, we haven't learned anything. Well, we did learn

that addicts are not a good hiding place. That's... Too soon? Okay. But I don't even understand really how these debates were because you know they have the main debate and then before that

they have the kids table debate. They call it the undercard. Tonight it's going to be at the kids table, Carly Fiorena, Santorum, Huckabee, and James Gilmore. Had anybody ever heard this guy? James Gilmore,

I thought he was the 18th president of the United States. James Gilmore, former governor of New Jersey, of Virginia, and, you know, this guy talked about off the radar. Most campaigns, they do fundraising events. This guy's on the beach every morning with the metal detector.

What the... And I don't understand the debate rules. Rand Paul was not invited to the main debate last time. He got demoted, but now he got moved back because apparently the judges loved the wedding dress. He met out of garbage bags. I don't get how this... But I'll tell you something.

I'm not even... I've watched all the debates. I'm not going to watch it. Because I've seen it before. You want me to tell you? You want me to predict exactly what you're going to see tonight? Okay. They're all going to get up there and say, the world is full of scary people who aren't white.

Everyone is beating us because our president's an appeaser. So pee your pants, buy more guns, and give the Pentagon everything they want in Jesus' name, the end. There, now you don't have to watch. All right, thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. Or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.