Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 3/20/15)

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Very kind. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, how are they, Bill? They sound like a hot crowd. Well, have you been following the news?

Ah, who gives us shit? No, the big news this week is, of course, overseas. You followed the election in Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister, who got reelected, and he did it in very astounding fashion. The day before the election, he said, buck the Palestinians.

We're not giving them their own states. So we're looking at a one-state solution for Israel. But today he kind of walked it back, and he said, no, he is for a two-state solution, but not Israel in Palestine. Israel in Florida. Those are the two-states. Now, great news for comedians,

Donald Trump. Yesterday said he's forming exploratory committee to run for president. He said, because, get this, because politicians are all talking no action. Says the guy who's always talking about president and never running for president. And the other big developments for the Republicans is that one of their rising stars had to resign this week. America's fittest congressman, Republican Aaron Schock. Have you seen Aaron Schock? He was on the cover of Fitness magazine.

The only member of Congress with a six-pack. True. If you don't count the one John Boehner hides under his desk. But a real six-pack. Yes, he campaigned on a promise to cut waste, fraud, and carbs.

He's very fit. But he got tripped up by extremely lavish spending habits, taxpayer spending habits, five-star hotels, the taxpayer, dime, private jets, all this shit, decorated his office for 100 grand to look like Downton Abbey.

I'm not making that up. It was kind of a red flag when he was sworn in on a Neiman Marcus catalog. That should have been. But, and Chuck says he doesn't care who replaces him as long as it's another strong Republican who stands up to the takers who rely on government handouts. That shit has got, see, because he, anyway, has.

And listen to this, how bad this guy was. He had a personal photographer. Anthony Wiener said, at least I took my own dick pics. Well, in other news, this week, the White House got a package of cyanide. Luckily, the Secret Service was on hand. They intercepted the passage package, got drunk with it, rushed it into offense, and tried to pay it for sex.

And March Badness, he into that. A lot of people actually are protesting this year. you know what? This is an outrage. Colleges make billions of dollars off of this, literally billions, and the students who play don't get paid anything. And the colleges say, no, it's actually an educational

experience. It teaches students what it's like to make iPhones in China. And any Presbyterians here? Because the Presbyterian Church this week announced they are approval now of gay marriage.

I think it's great. I actually pass a Presbyterian... Yeah. I pass a Presbyterian church on the way to work every day, and I see they change their church sign. It's now Our Lady of Gaga. Thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. Or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.