Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 3/27/15)

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

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It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Someone farted or something? This is terrible. I think I know why you're happy. The 2016 presidential race is officially underway. We have our first official candidate, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz fans. Where am I Ted Cruz fans? You just have one little problem. Everyone hates him.

This is a little problem that he has in running for president. So he's going on what they call a charm offensive. He's got the offensive part down. It's the charm part. And he made his announcement to run at Liberty U. you know, Liberty U, that's Jerry Falwell's college. They call it a college. It teaches that the Earth is 5,000 years old.

This is a college, wing, wing. College, it's a madrasa with a Division I basketball team is what it is. Well, also in Neanderthal News, here in California, I'm not kidding about this, a lawyer is proposing a ballot measure that would make gay sex punishable by, quote, bullets to the head. Now, of course, he will be discovered in a public restroom sucking off a stranger in three, two, one. So one guy who's loosened up on the gay issue is the Pope.

He will be coming to this country announced today. In September, he'll be meeting President Obama in the White House. They will discuss the poor. they will discuss being good stewards for the environment, and then the Pope will take confessions from the Secret Service. Republicans say they're really looking forward to the Pope meeting the President

because it's a meeting between a guy who's infallible and a guy who's never gotten anything right. So it's going to be... So I guess you heard a truly shocking discovery about that plane that went down in the Alps. It was not Malaysian. Shocking. It's shocking.

No, it was a terrible tragedy, especially for CNN, who was hoping to milk it for another six weeks. Oh, please. You weren't on the plane. You'll get over it. But the good news that it was not terrorism. It was depression. The bad news is from now on, any time I get on a plane,

that pilot better look happy as a motherfucker. But they can't think what could be so bad to make a guy suicidal and want to take everyone with them, And then they realized, well, he had just learned that Ted Cruz was running for president. As far overseas were bombing Iraq, of course, bombing the shit out of them. The bad Iraq were bombing. For the good Iraq. And when I said the good Iraq, of course, I mean Iran.

And at the same time, Saudi Arabia just started bombing Yemen to make the world safe for oligarchy. And what happened is that the Iranian rebels took over in Yemen, so the Saudis are very afraid of the Yemenis now. They're scared that, like we're scared of Iran getting a nuke, the Saudis heard that Yemeni scientists were working on developing a car that could be driven by women. So we're bombing the allies of Iran in one country and the enemies of Iran in another country.

the state farm of bombing. Anyone can call us, and like a good neighbor, we'll bomb the fuck out of you. And finally, I guess you heard this, a big merger in the food industry. Craft foods, merging with Heinz. The new company is going to be called

Eat Shit and Die. Thank you. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Mar every Friday night at 10. Or watch him anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, Log on to HBO.com.