Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 3/6/15)

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Good afternoon. At the tone, time will be... Gentlemen, how you doing? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know why you're excited today.

You're all Republicans. And you see that Hillary Clinton's in kind of hot water, right? You see you following this shit? Yeah, her email, her... She'd been using all. Oh, fuck, this is so awful. Using her personal email address instead of the official email. She's the only person in America to get in trouble for not using the office computer to surf the web.

For not doing that. Most people do it. And her email was not a very secure system. Her password was inevitable 2016. They say this could put a stain on her reputation. If there's one thing that Clintons don't need, it's another scandal with a stain. I was going down. See, you're ahead of me and it still works.

So some Democrats think that this is going to stick, and they are worried that, you know what, she's the only one out there for the Democrats. They need another candidate. Joe Biden today got so excited that he crashed to Spelling Bee and grabbed the winner by the boobs. He, he, another lame scandal, David Petraeus, remember him, former four-star general,

led our troops in Afghanistan, then led the CIA, and of course he had a sex scandal. He had a mistress, and he met her because she was doing a biography of him. And so it turned out he did give her classified material, turned it right over to his mistress to put in her book. That's not the embarrassing part.

The embarrassing part is, I swear to God, the girl who he was fucking, the name of her book is all in a swear. The only way it could be more embarrassing is if the title was, all in. But there is one real scandal in America this week, and that's the Justice Department report came back on what's going on in Ferguson, Missouri. You saw what shit that's going? Oh, my God. Police arrested people there like the Kardashians date, with the focus almost exclusively

on blacks. And this is how they ran the town's finances. The whole place was a scheme run by racist cops to arrest black people and finance the town. with their tickets and fines. And today, Paul Ryan demanded a copy of the report. He said, let's see if we can run America that way. But there is one minority that got a lot of love this week in America. The Jews, the Republicans love the Jews. They fucking love the Jews so much.

They're going nuts. The Israeli prime minister, B.B. Netanyahu, spoke before Congress, and the Republicans lost their collective shit. They were all like, why can't we have a president like this? White. They love BB because to them, you have to understand. They love Israel because, well, it's the only democracy. We have ties to the region, of course, through Israel.

And the Jews have a very key role to play when you know who comes back. But mostly they love Israel and BB because it burns Obama's ass. And they hate Obama this week because he vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline, the oil pipeline Canada, yes. And of course they're all about his Imperial Presidency. There's only the third veto.

In his entire time at office, in seven years, Congress has heard the word no less than from Bill Cosby. Catch all new episodes of real time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch him anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.