Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 5/15/15)

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Sit your pretty ass and stuff. What a crowd, huh? Why are they so happy to do that? Thank you very much. You tell them I got over cancer or something?

Thank you very. It's getting old. That's what it is. You get old and people like, hey, you're still alive. Let's give them a big run. I think that's really what it is. Jeff Bush like fucking shit the bed this week.

It was so great to see. They asked him a question he should have known. It was coming. Knowing what we know now. That was the question. Knowing what we know now about Iraq,

would you have done what your brother, George, did, and invade and did me to, yeah, what's, you know what?

You know what? Mori Popovich does not have to do the DNA test. He's a Bush. Oh, yeah. He's a bush. And then, of course,

all week, he's trying to walk it back. Every day he had a new story. Next day he said, oh, I meant to say, knowing what my brother George knew, we're lucky we didn't knew Canada. That's what I meant to say. And Jeb is supposed

to be the smart one. Clearly, some families don't have a smart one. You know, but this train is such a tragedy. The derailed Amtrak train was going twice the speed limit it should have around a curve. And the engineer doesn't remember anything about what happened. It makes you wonder

why they let Lindsay Lohen drive a train in the first train. Why? And listen to this. Hours after the accident, Republicans voted to cut Amtrak's funding. Yeah, what's the logic there? If that train didn't have any money, this never would have happened.

But now the Republicans know that high-speed rail can kill people. They can think of it as a weapon and fund it. Oh, yeah, you see, The NFL came down hard on Tom Brady. Four game suspension. Somebody described it as throwing the rule book at him.

And Tom Brady said, there's a rule book? So big news out from a poll this week. A survey, this is a massive survey was done, about people's religion in America. The number of people identifying as Christian has dropped dramatically, and the number of people with no religious affiliation has gone up a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the surge is working. It's weird. It's like God has answered my prayers. Yeah, only 70% of people now in America say they're Christian. In 2007, that number was 78%. Did I mention religiousists came out in 2008? Now, speaking of irrational stuff and polls, a poll came out this week talking about Jade Helm 15,

We talked about it on our show last week. Jade Helm 15 is a routine military exercise going on in the southwest that the teabggers in Texas think is a plot by Obama to invade and take over Texas. And now one-third of Republicans in America believe this is true, that Obama is invading and taking over Texas. I'm not saying a full one-third of this party are paranoid nuts, but they also want a constitutional amendment to, quote, get the spiders off my arm.

Now here's my favorite scandal of the week. Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, you're familiar. This is my home state. This is too easy, Governor Christie. Governor Christie has spent 300,000 taxpayer dollars in his five years in office on food. Food, alcohol, and desserts. He spent 76 grand on grocery runs to Wegman's,

supermarket. Chris Christie shops at grocery stores like Michael Jackson used to shop at toy stores. They just closed the store down to the public so he can go in and have his way. Oh my God. 300 grand after...

Get this. He spent $82,000 at the concession stand at Giants and Jets football games. What I call in Flategate. Thank you very much. I appreciate your patience. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.