Real Time with Bill Maher - Bonus Bill (Originally aired 9/25/15) - Update

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

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It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Now it's time for Real Time 2.0. Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear. Thank you. Don Minasoviccan. Don Minasovisco. See, I'm the Pope today. Why pretend anything else, anything but the fucking Pope? Well, you got to remember, this is the most political pope. I ever remember, you know, the way he's come to this country and just fucking stuck it to the Republicans.

He has. They do not like him. And sometimes he says things like, oh, you know, we should take care of the poor and take care of the plot and they act like he dug up Reagan and made a lamp out of his skull. And today the Pope gave his big speech before Congress. We've never seen that.

It looked just like the State of the Union, you know, standing there at the well of Congress. He said some really great things about how we have to heal the open wounds of our planet. He said the planet is torn apart by greed, poverty, pollution. Yeah. And to make his point really strong, he was wearing a red trucker's cap that said, make the Earth great again.

But yeah, how about that? A planet torn apart by hatred, greed, poverty, and pollution. And as soon as he said that the lobbyists for hatred, greed, poverty, and pollution, said, come on, he's here for one day. We're fine. Cannot touch us. He also, the pub, defended immigration. He endorsed environmental legislation.

And he attacked capitalism, attacked the defense industry, even attacked delusional religious fundamentalism. And then he lit up a joint. And announced this new TV show, real time, with Pope Francis. But it was interesting to see him. He was standing there making his speech. behind them were just like at a state of the union, the vice president and the speaker of the house,

who happened to be two former altar boys, Joe Biden and John Boehner, who of course was crying. I mean, of course, this is gonna make them blubber alive, but this was out of control. At one point, the Pope had to turn around and say, dude, I don't know what you did, but you're absolved. Here's the great thing about this, Pope. After the speech, he was invited to hobnob and have lunch

with the luminaries in the Capitol. Nope, Pope says, don't wanna do that. he went out and met with homeless people. An awkward moment, 150 of them tried to squeegee his car. And then the Pope went and he laid hands on Carly Fiorina and cured her of seeing videos that don't exist. Yeah, Carly Fiorina doing very well. I'd tell you, about a month ago, I made my predictions.

There were 17 Republicans in the race at the time. I said, Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorina is going to be the tickets. It's looking pretty good, my prediction. They're both rising in the polls. Trump's starting to go down. Scott Walker dropped out this week. He said he just wanted to spend more time stroking his pet rabbit. But, yeah, Donald Trump's starting to lose it, starting to get desperate.

Today he was making a speech, and he was talking about the last debate. He said, my opponents withered under the heat. He said, I touched Mike Huckabee's back. It was soaking wet. And I think we know how Trump feels about it. wetback. Now, the other story, everybody's talking about Volkswagen, I mentioned it,

can you believe these assholes, faking their clean diesel designation by designing software that was specifically designed to fool the emissions test? Wow. The CEO of Volkswagen did step down yesterday, and you know, we've seen this before. Remember the BP oil

guy? You know, I mean, this happens all over the world when there's corporate malfeasants. In Japan, they do it, right? But here they step down, they get a golden parachute. They're rich for the rest of their life. That's how we do it. But this guy's statement was something I have not seen before. He said, and I'm quoting, CEO of Volkswagen,

I am not aware of any wrongdoing on my part. I got to tell you, folks, I'm pretty sure I was just following my orders. I have appointed me to investigate myself. And if I find anything suspicious, I will bring it to my attention. And of course you know about this guy, Martin Schrelli. Is that pronouncing that right? Martin Schrelly, douchebag of the year. Dushbag of the century.

He's the 32-year-old hedge fund manager who bought the drug company that makes a drug called Daraprim, which is the only cure for a very deadly parasitic disease that strikes AIDS, cancer patients, malaria patients, newborn babies. It costs a dollar to make this pill. It was being sold for 1350, already gouging.

He raised the price to $750 a pill. Yes, so ask your bank's loan officer of Dariprim is right for you. All right, thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.