Real Time with Bill Maher - Episode #348 (Originally aired 3/27/15)

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Episode #348 (Originally aired 3/27/15)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. Start the clock. Good afternoon. At the tone, time will be... Please, we've got a lot of show. I know.

It's so exciting to be here at a television show. But let me... Let me get to the news because a lot of people watch this show to get the news, so I have to fill them in. People are excited

because the 2016 presidential race officially started this week. We have our first official candidate. Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz. People have Ted Cruz fever. It's kind of like that flu bug going around, but the shit comes out your mouth.

No, Ted Cruz first in. I've got to give him points for not being coy, right? And he'd kind of taken a page out of Obama's playbook, only a senator for two years, just like Obama was, declare early, just like Obama did. The big difference, of course, is that Ted Cruz actually wasn't born in America. It's true.

No. Ted Cruz, who presents himself as the most all-American guy ever, born in Canada, his father's Cuban. He's half Canadian and half Cuban. He's got the gravitas of Justin Bieber, combined with the people skills of Scarface. So he's a terrific candidate.

And, but, two years is a short time to be in public service. They asked him on Fox News the other day what he's accomplished. And he said, stopped bad things from happening. And that's his slogan. Ted Cruz, America's diaphragm. But, it's interesting. He made his declaration, this is very telling, made his declaration that he was going to run at Liberty University.

You're familiar? That's Jerry Falts. Wellwell's college, wink, wink. A college where they teach the earth is 5,000 years old. I'm not kidding about that. And it was mandatory for the students to attend this speech of Dead Cruz.

And a lot of the kids were not happy about it. They were slyly revolting. And some of them had Rand Paul T-shirts on, you know. One of them was reading a science textbook under the Bible. Now, now,

now, in other fundamentalist news, the Republican, Republican governor of Indiana has signed a religious freedom bill which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers. That has got to hurt if you're gay

and someone tells you, we don't want your kind in Gary. But what I want to know is say you're a restaurant, how do you know who's gay? I mean, when they did this with black people, it was easy to, but what is, I mean, how do they, how do they do it with gay people? I don't know. I'd

Benegans now, if you bring in a picture of you with a vagina, you get a free appetizer. That's not... Before I get sued by Benegans, I don't know. I'm sure Benegans are very nice people, and gays love them, and I just picked that name, okay? It's where gays go, Benegans. They go to Fire Island, Palm Springs, Key West, and Benegans.

It's well, there. Okay. So, now, the sad story that we you saw this, the mystery of the Luftanzah German wings plane that crashed in the Alps, it's not a mystery anymore. One of the pilots was just depressed. This is scary stuff.

Andreas Lubitz, he was 28. Friends said he was bright, but also somewhat somber, possibly sinister, a little offbeat. What doctors call German. I used to, I used to work. about the pilot being drunk? Now I'm like, well, at least he's in a good mood.

Okay, that's... I'll drink with you, Captain. Let me top that off for you, sir. What would freak me out is if I saw him eating a pint of Hagenas. That would... But apparently this German pilot hid an existing illness,

which he wouldn't have had to do if he was on Obamacare. I just want to point out of it. Well, oh, one more thing about Ted Cruz. the day after he declared, he signed up for Obamacare. He filibustered it for 21 hours two years ago, and now he signed up because his wife is quitting her job. He got his health insurance through his wife.

Now she's quitting to help him on the campaign trail, so he doesn't have health insurance, so he signs up for Obamacare. He was asked when he said, I believe we should follow the text of every law, even laws I disagree with. Well, you know what, Ted, if you need some medical marijuana, also some news on that front. Chris Christie? Dead to me.

Chris Christie came out strongly against legalizing marijuana. He said legalized weed puts the lives of children and citizens at risk as opposed to obesity. Of course Chris Christie doesn't need wheat. He was obviously born with the munchies. Yeah, because

the drug war has been such a giant Such a giant success, we found out that, you see this, the DEA agents in South America, were having sex parties with the prostitutes paid for by the drug cartels? Not cool. The Justice Department said they were outraged this was going on, and the Secret Service said they were outraged. They weren't invited. All right, you're a great crowd.

We've got a great show. We have Zachary Quinso, Barney Frank, an SC Cup, and a little later we'll be speaking with Professor J. Falmietti about the water crisis here. But first up, he is the former governor of Arkansas, the author of God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy. Also, I believe he won eight states in 2008 in the Republican primary. Mike Huckabee's over here.

Governor Mike Huckabee. How are you, Governor? Hey, Bill. How you doing? I'm going to see you. Thank you for being here. My pleasure. I know you're concerned about bad language.

I tried to clean that up for you today. I'm telling you, that could have been worse. It usually is. Yes. And you know what? I agree with you sometimes. I sometimes watch a sitcom at 8 o'clock at night. And it's like at 8 o'clock at night, it's like five minutes in, and it's three dick Joe. I'm not... Sorry, I... You know what I'm saying, sir. Unfortunately, I do. Yes. So, but, you know, I read in your book, you said that, you know, you grew up in the South,

and there was a certain decorum there. Men did not cuss in front of women. Typically that was the case There was a certain sort of just unwritten code that people behaved with a level of respect for others and I'm not approved Look I'm not approved Not in my life

No no not in your lifetime but I just mean like No I'm just saying I'm just saying Of the priorities You know I would rather have people who didn't have slaves And cussed Yeah but you know what

What I think people had a sense of respect for other people. I'm not a prude. I hear language all the time that I find that it's not the things I would say. Right. I hear it. That's okay. But here's what I feel like. When we become coarse, the coarseness of our language ends up becoming the attitude we have toward other people. I agree. Especially in social media. They become very just mean and angry. Are you on Twitter? I am. It's nasty. You read your feed? They must say terrible things. They say awful things. They say awful things about everybody.

But, you know, free speech is a great thing, but responsible speech is a part of the balance of that. And I never want the government. I wouldn't even want anyone else shutting me down or shutting you down or anyone else. But I'd like for people to self-police and to say, you know, I can say anything I want, but I'm going to say the things that are more wholesome,

that are more edifying to the overall culture and society that make us a more civil country rather than a less civil country. Okay. Let's talk about your book. Now, I remember you were on, when you had your previous book, which was about, I mean, you used to be Chris Christie level, right? I did. I was a big boy.

You were a big boy. And you lost a lot of weight. I mean, you're not a rail, but you look healthy. What? Neither am I. I mean, you know. I went through a process, 2003. By the way, you look healthier than people who do get skinny at your age. Well, thank you. You look healthy. At my age. Which is my age. But, I mean, I lost 100 pounds back in 2003. If I didn't, I think the doctor was quite right and saying, you know, I'd be entering the last decade in my life.

So clearly I've outlived that. You know, I've had bouts with weight gain, but I really believe that one of the most important things that we have to do is to take care of ourselves. And that's, again, it's a matter of personal responsibility. Okay. And I think that's... But your new book is called God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.

Yes. in the South... Sounds like you flip-flopped on gravy. You've got to understand, in the South, gravy is a beverage. I know, but aren't you off the gravy? I mean, it's... Let me tell you.

The term Godguns grits and gravy is not a Southern recipe book. It's really a depiction of the fact that there are bubbles of influence in places like New York, Washington, and Hollywood. And then there is a whole bunch of America in the middle,

often called flyover country. But my term for... over the past few years, I said, when people would ask me where I live, I'd say, I live in the land of God, guns, grits, and gravy. And by that, I mean, it's a place, if somebody comes up to you and says, you know, I heard your mother is sick and in the hospital, I'm praying for her. Nobody's creeped out by that. Or if someone says, heard you just got a new weather, it would be 300 mad. They say that everywhere. You don't think people pray in California? I think they do. If I lived in California, I'd be praying a lot. It's just a weird thing. Because I hear this all the time from social conservatives like yourself. You feel put upon

you feel like somehow the world is against you. You're 80% of the country. You have the vast majority, even in the blue states. Most people are religious. Most liberals are still follower religion. Most Democrats do. I'm the only one sneering at you. Nobody else is.

So I don't understand that persecution complex, except it's in Christian history. You love being persecuted. No, I think that there is, if you look at television shows and movies, you'll be hard-pressed to feel. find a sitcom in which Christians, which do represent a significant

part of the population. Significant. The vast majority. But you won't see them presented as normal, decent people. They're usually a charlatan. They're often depicting. Yes, Bill. Christians are depicted as charlatans? You're thinking of Jews.

No. I don't know where you're getting that term, but I have to tell you something. This may blow your mind. I made a little list of places I've traveled. Okay. Because I do stand up almost every weekend. I could, longer list, but I just picked out and see if you can tell why I picked these cities. This place I've been in the last two years.

Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, Tennessee. Let's not do this for everyone. Memphis, Baton Rouge, Savannah, Topeka, Kansas, Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Mobile, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama, Kansas City, Charleston, West Virginia, Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, Macon, Georgia. What are they all of common? They probably loved you.

All in states that you won in 2008. Wonderful people, they are. Smart people they are. Brilliant people. But, see, you have this thing in your book, Bubaville. You were just describing it. And I think I know Bobaville better than you do.

I think I'm in more cities than you are. And I see in America, I don't know if you know this America. I don't know if you know how actually people in the cities, yes, I'm sure if you go out in the deliverance area. But they look, act, and laugh just like people everywhere else. This country is not Bubaville anymore. No, but Bill, I think what I would say to you,

there's a lot of people who will come to your show, whether it's in whatever city. There are certainly, there are liberals, and there are all kinds of people in every city in America. There are conservatives. There are very strict fundamentalist Christians in Manhattan. I understand all that. I'm saying the prevailing worldview,

and this is from going to New York every week for six and a half years. I told people when they said, are you going to go to New York? Yeah. And they asked me, did I live there? I said, no, I'm not going to go there unless they let me duck hunt in Central Park, which I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen. And my point being that... Why do you want to kill ducks?

Really? They taste good, Bill. You kill things to eat them. Okay. All right. My point is there is a difference in the culture in those areas that really set the table for American culture and so much of the land that we call flyover world. Okay. Well, I'm going to ask the panel about this in a minute about this strategy because Ted Cruz, who declared this week, is trying to steal your lunch. I mean, you're the real pastor. You're a real pastor, right? I was 25 years ago.

Okay. I don't know what you were doing 25 years. I know, but you are a Jesus enthusiast. I do love Jesus. I don't even deny that. Right, in a way that he really can't compete with, and yet he declared. He could have picked his alma mater, Harvard, to declare,

but that would send an awful message that he believes in reason and logic. He declared at liberty. He's going after your vote. And now I assume you're running for president, you're here. I will make a decision final You're running for president. Okay, so, I mean,

no, I mean, winning eight states the last time you ran, that's a lot of states. I mean, a lot of people run and don't win any states. Yeah. So you have a place to, a springboard, to go from. What do you think about Ted Cruz getting in? Is he a threat to you? Well, everybody's a threat to me.

I think they should all drop out and let me have it to myself. But, you know, everybody assumes that the only people who supported me eight years ago are the people who were religious, The fact is, if they'd all really supported me, I'd have been the nominee. Right. The fact is, a lot of the people who supported me were working-class people, the kind of people I grew up with.

Because that's where I came from. I am not blue blood. I'm blue-collar. Right. I'm the first male in my entire family lineage that ever graduated high school. You're from the same town as Bill Clinton. I am. You know, Bill Clinton and I are both from Hope, Arkansas.

You could have flipped a coin and wound up in different parties. Could have. But he moved away when he was like five years old, and I stayed. Because my family didn't have enough money to go, so there we were. He moved away from a lot of things. The working-class people, that's where my support really came from. It was from truck drivers and baggage handlers and taxi drivers, and there's a loss of connection between the political class and the people who are working.

I wish we had more time to talk about why I don't think people like that should vote Republican. But you make that case, and we'll see if they do. I think I can... Thank you, Governor. I appreciate it. You're brave to come here. Thank you. Great to see you.

Thank you. Governor Mike Huckabee. All right, let's meet our panel. Look at that. He's a nice man. All right, let's meet our panel. He was my favorite congressman who represented in Massachusetts' fourth district. Now he's my favorite ex-congressman.

His new book is Frank, A Life in Politics, from The Great Society to Same Sex Marriage. Barney Frank's over there. He stars in NBC's The Slap and the Girls. He's ace. Love Ate. He stars in that And also you know him as Mr. Spock

Zachary Quinto's with us And now the Only surviving Mr. Spock Oof, it's true Didn't mean to bum the crowd out Before your introduction She's a CNN political commentator Who just became a nationally syndicated columnist

For Tribune And I will take credit for popularizing her On this show Please welcome, Messi Cup Okay And I'm going to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and send us your questions

for tonight's overtime overseas. Ah, so we can answer them after the show on YouTube. All right, I mentioned this to the governor there about Ted Cruz. He seems to be trying to steal the lunch of the evangelical vote. And I don't understand why they're all going after this vote, because I don't think this is where the vote is anymore in America. Why go to Bubbaville? Why declare at Liberty University?

Why he made this big play that he listens to country music. We'll get into that in a minute. Isn't this an America that was maybe voting for you 20 years ago, but this is not America today? Well, the problem for Ted Cruz, and he's not the only candidate who's going to have this problem, is his tactics, shutting down the government, blocking the vote on raising the debt ceiling,

filibustering Obamacare, are what make him really popular with the base, but make him detestable to the rest of the country. And you cannot win an election by alienating, half the party anymore. And it's a problem that Hillary's going to have. It's a problem that Jeb is going to have. So you have to find a lane where you can convince the flank of your party and the centrists that you are palatable to both. And Ted Cruz is never going to get anyone but the flank of the party on board. And had that feeling of somebody that's, right, that's rushing out after a concert to the parking lot before

everybody else gets their cars a little bit, you know, at Liberty University trying to really corn to this market, Right, which is clearly his, yeah, exactly. And he has all these people just behind him, this varied field of contenders that are going to be giving a run for his money. I think the point, though, is that you've described America, but you haven't described the people who vote in Republican primaries, and that's a very different section. And by the way, it's self-selected.

I wish other people voted in Republican primaries, but you can't blame the people who do vote. It's not their fault. It's the people who sit it out. But the Republican primary electorate has become a very conservative entity. And they, so you can't, now the problem is, as she said, how do you go from there to the future? The danger the Republicans have is that that base takes off. I know there's a song.

I don't sing well, but it's kind of like, it's all about the base, no moderates. Oh, my God. That's their problem. That should happen. I would disagree with that. On this, that is a problem, and I think that's more of a problem for Jeff Bush. we have as Democrats been divided. We're more united this time.

I do not think Hillary Clinton faces anything like the same conflict in the Democratic Party. She's much more consensus candidate. That's going to be a problem for her. Honestly, if no one runs against her and she has this inevitability, she's not going to convince progressives to turn out for Hillary Goldman Sachs Clinton. It's not going to happen. In the first place, that's just nonsensical. She's a strong supporter of financial reform.

Secondly, you know what's going to turn people out for Hillary Clinton? The Republican nominee. She does not have to... What's going to turn people out is that she'll be for doing something about climate change. She will be appointing Supreme Court justices who will support the values of Democrats. She will be for maintaining financial reform.

I'm not worried, given the way the Republicans are. And women. Let's not kid ourselves. Yes. Women are going to... Yeah. Just the way Obama, the first black, it turned out a vote that... A number of women were unhappy last time,

and yes, she had strong support from women. Okay, so Ted Cruz, I have to say, He was on the day after he announced he was on CBS this morning and they asked him a very innocent question what kind of music do you listen to? That's a gotcha question, Bill. Really? No! Not really.

Most people would just answer it. Ted Cruz's mind goes, oh, an opportunity to lie. So this is what he said and it's not important except maybe it is because it tells something about this guy. He said, I grew up listening to classic rock. My music changed. My music tastes changed.

on 9-11. Who thinks that's true? He said, I didn't like how rock music responded. And country music, the way they responded resonated with me, I had an emotional reaction that said,

these are my people. Right. I loved the rodeo and Paula Dean and books about dead kids that go to heaven and come back. That's who I have. So I looked up how rock responded with three giant fundraisers. Huge concerts.

September 21st, all four networks showed America a tribute to heroes, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, YouTube, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam, a virtual roster of classic rock. I think it speaks to, in a way. October 20th, Paul McCartney's Concert for New York, The Who, the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Elton, John, Eric Clapton. The next day, Michael Jackson had the few rock classic people who were left, Arrowsmith, Rod Stewart, Darrowing.

Paul McCartney wrote a song called Freedom. Spursing, the Rising. Bon Jovi, undivided, Neil Young, let's roll. How much more could they... Bill, let's quote Governor Huckabee. Were they praying? I mean, did they really mean it? That's the problem.

Yeah, and did they mention lift kits, trailer hitches, beers, and getting drunk on a plane? I don't think so. Case and Jones. It shows a willingness on the part of Ted Cruz, I think, to say whatever it is that people want to hear. It's a real problem. His ability to deny certain aspects of things that are scientifically proven through the course of certainly climate change and global warming and many other topics. It's just somebody that is willing to pander to the people that he knows he has to get because they're really his only hope.

Well, he could honestly be interested in class. He could honestly like country music. But it's also politically. Exactly. I'm saying, I think Zach is absolutely right. And I think Cruz makes a mistake. That's the kind of a, that's the first step. Oh, I'll tell them what they want to hear.

But I've developed a rule over time. I have several, not as many as yours, but I've developed the rule. No matter how you think it, how much you think it will help you in the short term, try not to say something that no one will believe. Because in the end, that's not going to be very useful. No one believes him when he says that. Right. He thinks it's great and he just looks silly.

Okay. So let's talk about the bill that you wrote for a second. And you are out of Congress, but the bill bears your name and your legacy. And I noticed that when the Republicans took over, it was the first thing, the very first thing that tried to do was repeal Dodd-Frank, including the Volcker Rule crazy derivative speculation. The Consumer Bureau. They hate the Consumer Bureau.

All this. And I remember after 9-11, people saying, especially on the right, but everybody's, we can't go back to a pre-9-11 mindset. And yet they seem to want to come to. go back to a pre-financial crisis mindset. I wonder what you have to say about. Oh, there's no question. And in fact, one of the critical reactions that it goes to as he's question about Hillary Clinton,

one of the issues that will be before the American people in 2016 is, do we maintain financial reform with changes? Anything needs to be amended somewhat? But do we maintain the basic structure or do we go back to the essentially unregulated situation? Because the Republicans will be for undoing it. Hillary Clinton has already made very clear that she's for keeping it as it is. So between now and the auction, I'm confident that the president's going to protect it.

There's a little glitch. A lot of us yelled, we're safe now. But that'll be an issue. That'll be decided in 2016. Do we go back to the pre-regulatory situation with regard to derivatives and no-consumer bureau and bad mortgages being given out, or do we keep something like what we now have making the necessary adjustments going forward? Yeah, but it's a little bit of a fault.

false argument here to say that those are the only two options. And there are smart Republicans who are suggesting... Who are they? Tweets. Give me. Give me this. And there are Democrats now in Congress who are agreeing to smart tweaks so that, for example, small businesses maybe have an easier time getting a loan,

so that maybe community banks and credit unions aren't collapsing under the weight of maybe some overreach of well-intended regulation. So it's not in either-or situation. It will be in 2016. The fact is... Well, you can fear. longer all you want, but there are plenty of people talking about tweets. I am not fear-mongering.

I take comfort in the fact that you want to back away as a conservative from that issue. It is very clear. The Republicans have made this very clear. They all voted against the bill when it passed. They didn't vote for it with tweaks. They didn't vote for it with these amendments. They wanted nothing. It is very clear.

I'm not fear-miring to tell you what people say they're going to do. Their platform will include a substantial repeal. Yes, there should be some tweaks, but it's hard to do reform in the midst of open warfare on the whole operation. And the overwhelming thrust of the Republican Party is to undo this and to go back to where we were. Well, I hope you're not entrusting Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton to carry on this mantle for you because all your great work in financial reform

is going to be handed off to two people who have been incredibly cozy with the bank. That is an absolute misstatement. Hillary Clinton has been very supportive of this when President Obama signed a bill that I wish he hadn't signed that made a slight tweet. She put out a tweet saying that we cannot back. away.

Oh, well, if she tweeted, then, okay. Yeah, but she put a public statement out there, a public statement saying what she thought. Here's the problem that people like you posed to us. If we demonize the financial community and have nothing to do with them and attack them, then we're being radical and disruptive. If we work with them in a cooperative way, then we're in bed with them. In fact, Hillary Clinton, Chuck Schumer voted for that bill. Chuck Schumer voted against weakening amendments.

The notion that because he has some understanding of the industry, he's going to sell it out, it simply isn't factually true. Okay, well, we'll see, I guess. I'm glad you guys to have that one. Solved. So, could I ask one more question about Wall Street? The stock market is just through the roof, right? It's over 18,000.

But if it was some kind of real indication of how our economy is going, why would college grads be moving back in with their parents and taking jobs as Uber drivers? Yeah. I saw this. Here's a post from Reddit. Somebody said, my grandpa worked at a grocery store and made enough money to raise a family in Santa Monica. I work at a grocery store.

I can't even afford to rent a room. What happened? What happened? I think it's a larger systemic problem with, you know, the way we have all come to live our lives. In addition to all of the regulation and all of the government, you know, positions all of these things, the reality is that people have really come to just want what they want. And it dilutes the waters to the degree. that I think people are kind of backing themselves into their own corners where we're not able to provide for ourselves and for each other the way we used to because we've lost sight of connectivity and the kind of interactions that actually make those differences.

But an apartment is an apartment. I mean, when I moved out here, an apartment was $300 a month and you couldn't find a place for your car. Yeah, I mean, it's just preposterouser. We're generating wealth. the way the economy works in America, people are rewarded because of what, where America can sell in the rest of the world with very high skills, with very high education levels. If you have the kind of basic willingness to work that 40 years ago got you a good job in an auto plant or a steel plant, that hasn't happened. And there's been this shift in the private sector. So overall wealth is created.

It's distributed unfairly. I think the lack has been a more active set of public policies that work with the private sector to keep the production. some redistribution. We should, for example, you could go 30 years ago, 40 years ago, to a state university, a state college. State legislatures have been forced to cut back or have cut back. The funding for these public institutions is gone, so now it costs way too much. I think we need to do more to provide some public activity. Construction workers, we have plenty of jobs that could be put to work in fixing our infrastructure, fixing the bridges and the railroads. We're running too short of money to do that. If we put more money into that, yes, you

would see a better distribution. Okay, I have to move on. There's an issue that I care a lot about, which is water. I live in California, and I'm used to water, and I want to keep it. We're 39 million people out here. You know, we are the most popular state in the country, and we do provide food. I think we grow 25 percent of the agriculture that's consumed in America. And a lot of the attitude. You give us a lot. You should do with a lot of the attitude. Very important. I'll let that pass, Granny. A little bitchy, but Okay. I love you, but...

I didn't say you had a monopoly. I know, just most of it. But, you know, we're in the fourth year of a drought. I saw this headline recently in the Los Angeles Times. California is about one year of water stored. And, you know, I said, where's the panic? And maybe you're right. Maybe, you know, it reminds me the people in that SNL sketch,

the Californians, you know, we're like, Stewart, where you worrying about water for? Take the 405. So I looked at what the government is doing. It's like pathetic. They put out water conservation guide. I swear to God, this is not a joke. Some of their suggestions are in restaurants,

the waiter has to be asked before he brings your water. They just don't do it automatically. In hotels, they're just, if you ask, they won't clean your towels unless you... Okay, some of these are so lame. Look at some of these other ones. Number 24. Instead of turning the hose on two dogs having sex,

try to talk them out of it. I mean, this is not going to get the job done. Look at that. Number 13. Instead of washing your car, troll S&M clubs to find a massacist who will lick your car clean. Now, that's not going to... That's a thing.

Number 55. SpongeBob is just Bob now. Oh, 137. Celebrities have been asked to pitch in. they're popular anyway, so they're being asked to stop showering. Mickey Rock and Nick Noltee have been helping out for years. Part of the same thing. Number 22, the next time the Octomomom's water breaks, she has to save it.

No, Bill. Bill, can I just defend? No, no, let me finish the bit. But you said it's California, not the federal government. I just want to take nowhere. I'm in the middle of a comedy bit. I have a movie. Then you.

Stoners and truggies, if the DEA comes to the door, make sure the entire household stash is in the toilet before you flush. This one's for Robert Durst, while dismembering a neighbor in the bathtub, turn off the faucet while bagging body parts. Oh, my God. Makes sense. Instead of having to dump a bucket of ice over your head to give money to charity, just give money to charity, you fucking deadbeat.

And finally, number 71, instead of bathing with water, choose another colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid. Like Budweiser. All right. Let's bring out the professor to talk about this. He's a professor at the University of California in Irvine and senior water scientists for NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory,

J. Falmetti. Jay. All right. So, finally, a witness who will tell us expert test, about this. They call you the Al Gore of water, I hear. Wow. Wow. That's impressive. Well, you know it's a bad... You don't like Al Gore? No, no. Love him. Love him. Okay. It is... Look, it's a bad situation. Yeah. Why isn't there a panic? Or at least a sense of urgency. Where's the governor going on TV? What's the plan, man?

Well, that's... Water is serious shit, bro. So, you know, the original title for the op-ed that I submitted was, dude, where's my paddle? And... My paddle? My paddle? Like, you know, dude, where's my car? Up the creek.

Right. In fact, the print, right? The print version of it. There's no stream to put the boat in. Right. And so that's what the L.A. Times ran with. And the print was up a dry creek, right? And so that was sort of the theme.

But, you know, here's the thing. The drought situation is much worse than I think is generally perceived. and this may be why we're not getting the public response that we want. We use NASA data to look at how the total amount of water storage, the total together. Yeah, show that chart we have, that picture. Look at this. It's green and now it's red. Now, Doc, I'm not a scientist, but red is bad.

Red is bad. That's what I know. Red is bad. Is that the water below the surface? A lot of science is based on that. Right. Red is bad. Yeah, that's the water below the surface.

And so what's happening in California? You know, our water system sort of works like this. We have snow and rain. No, we don't. That are like the income. Right. They're like the income, right? Our reservoirs are like the checking account.

Right. And then the groundwater is like a long-term reserve. So we have no income right now. Right. The checking account, the reservoirs are running out. That's right. They're only going to hold, they're only for short term, like a real checking account. They're only for short-term storage.

And so we're hitting that ground water really, really hard, and it's disappearing really, really rapidly. I understand some places the ground sinks because we take the water. That's right. And it's like letting the air out of a bicycle or a car tire. But it's flights. Isn't the answer we just have to not grow so much? Because most of the water gets taken by agriculture.

Yeah, but we don't eat. Awesome food in your... Yeah, but we don't have to eat almonds. No, right. You know, almonds, I hear, take 10% of the water. Like, it takes one gallon of water to grow a single almond. Right. I mean, I like almonds, but, you know, sometimes you've got to take one for the team.

I mean, what's... No, right. What can you not live without water or almonds? I can live without almond. I hear you. But, you know, almond milk is cool. No, so we grow... There's a big shift in the central valley, and this is a problem.

is from the annual crops to the perennial crops, to the orchard crops, the, you know, the nut trees and the, and the vineyards. And they are, they're really sucking the, they're sucking the, they're sucking bell as high. And grass, you know, grass is crazy. So grass is like the biggest crop in the country. I change, I put in fake grass.

Good for you. It's fine. But you know, there are homeowners, associations that won't let you do that. And that's crazy. What? It's true. They won't let you. They will not let you put in fake grass.

That's so far. So, you. I hear you. Yeah, okay. So what about fracking? You know, I mean, the governor of New York had the balls to say, you know, no fracking. We're not going to do it here. Fracking takes an incredible amount of water, right?

It does. That's right. And so there's major... And they're considering it. There's major water issues that are associated with fracking, and they're not getting the attention. They're not getting the environmental impacts, especially on the water side, are not getting, like, you know, they're not getting costed properly. So when we look at the benefits and the cost, we're not taking the water stuff into account. So we've got the contamination.

right there were the potential release of the fracking the very toxic fracking fluids out into the environment through the wells and into the reservoir rock itself the storage of the fracking fluids on the surface the contamination of wells within say a one kilometer radius the micro seismicity these are and the huge amount like you said the huge amount of water that's required to to do the fracking so those are all things that have to be properly properly costed so that we're When you do the pros and cons, and you look at the benefits and the cost, the environmental costs have to be properly evaluated. What about the people who ask about desalination? You hear that a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, desal is cool. It doesn't seem like that would be harder than a lot of other things we do.

You know, just take salt out of water. Right, right. And so, you know, it's not crazy. The issue is that it's expensive, right? And so to produce the water at this point in time, takes... But it can't be more expensive than bottled. water is already. Yeah.

I mean, Nestle's, Nestleys, takes the water out of the ground for free, puts it in a bottle and sells it back to us. That's right. That's our crazy, so that's our crazy water law right there. They have the right to do it. The rights have been in place for over 100 years,

and it's crazy. Isn't it also about how little water you're actually able to get from desalination in terms of what the need is? So the desal stuff, that's right. I mean, it takes a lot of energy, it's very expensive, Then you're left with the brine, and you have to do something with that brine. And it's also the salt.

The salt, right? Well, like, sell it as salt. Right, you could. And, no, that's right. Put it on in fucking almonds. Okay. Problem solved. Let me, let me.

Why is it that we're scared of some things? Let me ask everybody. Why are we scared of some things so much, and other things don't phase us at all? I mean, we're running out of water. There's no reaction here. The plane goes down It just makes people crazy Terrorism makes people crazy

I saw a headline last week There was ice cream Kills 3 There was some taint Got into the ice cream In the Midwest If that was ice cream Tainted by Al Qaeda Kills 3

We'd have passed 20 laws by now Isn't it like in the case of the water Nothing seems different to anybody yet You know I mean Right Everybody's still living Turn the faucet on And water comes out

I feel guilty of it myself at times. You should. I know, I don't live in California anymore, but when I come back here, I'm in the more mindful. I see you're not shaming. But isn't it the reality that when you don't feel it yet, it doesn't seem like such a threat. But everybody gets on a plane. Everybody knows that this is something that affects all of us in terms of how we get around the world. So then it becomes an immediate thing that we can react to.

And reactionary tends to be the kind of default setting for humans. it seems, I don't know. You need, it focuses when there were specific identifiable victims. So a general threat that hasn't happened to anybody yet is different. That's what the ice cream is sort of a counter example of that. But generally it's when real people can get dramatized. There are no weeping relatives of people who've been hurt by water shortage on the television. But just today, the administration announced they're going to do something about antibiotic resistant bacteria,

which kills 23,000 people. a year. We had it out here, the CRE in the Ronald Reagan Medical Center. Let me come he started on Ronald Reagan, having a hospital named after him. But, I mean, 23,000 people, it's just a lot more likely than a psycho pilot. And I notice that when we have a tragedy like this, people go through these stages, and the first one is shock, and the second one is, how could it happen? And then it's like, could see CNN, give it a rest, please. And then they get to, we should never let this happen again. And I think we have to be very wary of that one. Because after 9-11, look at all the crazy, we can't let this ever happen again, bullshit we did.

The Department of Homeland Security, the war in Iraq, making airline travel miserable. All of it was crazy. I think sometimes you just have to accept that the world's full of crazy people, and they're going to do crazy things. I think in the case of the airline, in the case of the airline, it seems like just a best practice

to keep two personnel in the cockpit at all times. I think that's a good one. But the overreaction to create new laws and we've got to do psych profiles on these people and invade their computers to make sure they don't get... You're not going to be able to prevent every tragedy, and that's just putting your grown-up pants on. What they're talking about now is a simple adjustment

and something that all American Airlines do already, and I feel like if I'm getting into aluminum tube... The problem comes in... It's just a good idea. I like the fact that there's somebody else. But the reason why this one happened is because of what we put it in place to be in with. The locked door.

The problem bill comes seriously when there are people with some influence who have an agenda and they are waiting for something to come along so they can act on it. The shock doctoring. Dick Cheney... Like the gun control people?

No, I'm talking about Dick Cheney. You ask you want an answer or do you want to make a talk about it? Here's the answer. Dick Cheney, who sees... on 9-11 to launch an entirely unrelated war against Iraq, and in fact to elevate the terrorists, terrible people, but not the existential threat to America that the communists were or the Nazis were, and he was upset that the military budget was coming down.

So they seized on this to blow it up into a major threat. You got the Patriot Act, which are Fathers were voted against. You got the war in Iraq, which they voted against. There are people who want to do more, and they wait for something to come along. On both sides. I'm so glad you brought that out because for fans of war, there's new... Warists.

War enthusiasts. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. War enthusiasts. There's a new one in the Middle East. Yemen. There's a war in Yemen now, the Saudi Arabians, and a big coalition, like all the Gulf states are doing it.

Pakistan is sending the Navy. Egypt is getting involved. Turkey's saying... You know, I said on the show a few weeks ago, I said, where are the Arab nations fighting their own battles. They heard me. They watched. And they went to war against the

Houthis, who I'd never heard of. These are not the Tutsis. These are the Houthis. And the Houthis must be like, what the fuck did we do? They get the world against us because nobody ever did this before. But the Houthis are backed by Iran. They took over the

government in Yemen. And now everybody's attacking them. And it's interesting that L.A. Times headline today. was U.S. finds itself on both sides at once in the Middle East, because with the ISIS people, we're with the Iranians. We're helping the Iranians fight the ISIS people, but in Yemen, we're helping the Saudi Arabians. But it's complicated because the Houthis were also against al-Qaeda. So that was a complication, and the answer would be for us.

But this is a Sunni-Shiite throwdown. Isn't this RQaeda leave? Yes. It's like when you're out with another... You know, you've ever been out with another couple at dinner and they have a big fight? And you're like, okay, we'll see you on Monday. But when you're friends with that couple, who's been in the middle of that fight for so long

and it becomes harder to extricate yourself and also to the point where there's an entire generation of people who have been bred to hate us for being involved in the first place who are now interested in just exacting the revenge of our involvement. So it's so convoluted that this latest flare-up seems to be just another layer of complication. How do we get out now? We keep arguing about how we got pregnant, right?

How did we get pregnant? Well, you're pregnant. The baby's coming. You can't get un-pregnant. Terrorism is a fact now, and we can either deal with it now, or we can deal with it later. It's not going away. I want to deal with terrorism.

We find the terrorists. We kill them. I'm all for that. But getting involved in these political fights in the countries, pretending that we can make Iraq into a real country when the people in there don't want to be, is a very great difference between I think we've given up on that.

All right, well, people want to go back in there because I think that here's... But we just did that strategy in Yemen. We just decided we got to kill terrorists. And that should do the trick. I think we should stay out of Yemen. You killed them individually. But it's also now about the terrorists that are coming from the United States and Europe

and being recruited by not people to go there. They're not many of them. They're not quantitative, very important. Bill, I think, again, there's a broader question here. There are people who believe that America's role is to be the leader in the world, world and to preserve order. And I think the time for us to say, you know what, we want to be very strong. We want to defend ourselves. We'll come to the aid of some allies. But we've been

the leader for a while. It's been very nice. It's your turn. Let's let somebody else see the leader. Let's let, because being the leader means, and there are Americans. They need to have this fight amongst themselves, the way the Christians and the Protestants did in the 16th. There are Americans who believe. It's going to happen. Let them do it. There are Americans who believe that, and they say this. if they criticize Obama. What's Obama doing about that? Why is it Obama's responsibility to referee these fights

and people who've hated each other for a long time? I'm sorry they do. We can't stop it. Do you think Obama has any responsibility, though, for creating a chaos fact in, say, in Libya, where he sent troops in? No, I think the, well, he has a little in Libya. More is for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Right.

That Warreny Rock was the biggest... Again, who got us pregnant. Let's stop arguing about who got us pregnant. Why, it's relevant. Excuse me. What are you going to do about it? I have to respond. First, you say,

oh, isn't it Obama's fault? When I responded... Yeah, you said, isn't it Obama's responsibility in Libya? I asked you if he has some responsibility for sending forces into Libya and then Libya. So you're different about your pregnancy test. No, I'm pointing out that you only want to blame Bush.

Yes, I do. Because the war in Iraq, the stupidest thing the American government ever did, the most costly and the most damaging, is a major reason why things began to deteriorate. I'm glad Dick... I'm glad we've settled that. So what do you want to do about?

Leave them to the role. Leave them to the own. We can't settle it today. We'll talk in five years about how great that strategy is. Well, we've left everywhere. I'm just glad Dick Cheney isn't alive to see it. Thank you, panel. It's time for New Rules, everybody.

New Rules. New Rules, now that the University of North Georgia has put out this Y-Follow when you can lead course guide that chose white men winning out over a woman and a black man, they have to change their name to Cracker State. Cracker State, home of the flying mullets, where our Black Studies program is our basketball team. New Rule, before Amy's kitchen

recalls all their gluten-free tofu breakfast wraps, because there may be Listeria in the spinach. They have to tell us what Listeria tastes like, because if it tastes good at all, I say leave it in. New Rule, the 33-year-old Mexican woman who was arrested in a movie theater masturbating to 50 shades of gray

has to stop kicking my seat. It's bad enough sitting through all these trailers without you coming soon. Please, I'm watching a terrible movie from an illiterate book while people around me talk and text on their phones. Don't make it disgusting. New Rule, now that we're normalizing relations with Cuba, we have to buy them a new boat.

Although they do get props for inventing the first hybrid Chevy. New Rule, since he's never going to be president, Ted Cruz has to enjoy this moment where he can act like he is. How do I know you're not going to be president, Ted? Because even your daughter is looking up at you like, really? And finally, New Rule, don't throw the synthetic baby out with the bathwater. Last week, you may have seen that the iconic designers Dulcane Gabana caused a ruckus

when they said that even though they're proudly gay, when it comes to how are you making to Bambino? They're old-school Italians who don't approve of what they called synthetic children, because, you know, synthetics, they just don't breathe like cotton. Well, naturally, a backlash ensued, and now people are refusing to wear this shirt. And you know what? So am I.

But not because I'm protesting something. Because I'm not Persian. Yes, we joke about everybody here, and that's something a lot of liberals have forgotten how to do. For folks who take such pride in their love of diversity, liberals increasingly seem to tolerate none in their own ranks. I don't necessarily agree with Dalje and Gabana, but what is the point of attacking people who are 95% on your side?

Give them a break. They're from sister. The same place Justice Scalia comes from. And if you want to protest someone who doesn't support gay, start with him. But no, it's easier to get all fake outraged over the hateful anti-gay speech of two men who bedazzled cod pieces for a living. Ellen, Martina, they were all furious. Courtney Love said she planned to burn her Dulce and Gabana. and then breathe in the melting polyester because

hey, you never know what might get you high. But Dame Elton John was the angriest of all tweeting, how dare you refer to my children as synthetic. My hair, yes, but not my children. He recorded a protest song called I won't let my son go down on you

and called for a boycott. Really? You can't sell handbags now if you only agree with Elton John almost all the time. In Syria, ISIS is throwing gay people off buildings. Maybe there are bigger battles to fight. We liberals always talk about how the right needs to rain in its crazies. But the left has some crazy ran into do, too. And lest you think I'm creating a false equivalency, I'm not.

Because on the right, unlike the left, they have actually managed to carve out a place. for their crazies. Unfortunately, that place is elected government. All the more reason not to drive people into their arms with crazy political correctness. For example, the economist last week drew the wrath of the

liberal website Media Matters who said that their halapeno flag cover was the sort of stereotype that ignores Latinos as a multifaceted community and relegates them to chili pepper-consuming, can-stitch Hey, media matters.

Can I say one thing to you? Shut the fuck up. Hey. No Hispanic looked at this cover and said, I've been wronged. They looked at it and said, Mmm, yum, jalapino. Look at this insane headline.

College president forced to apologize after saying all lives matter. You know what happened? A college president sent out an email in support of the protesters in Ferguson, but said all lives matter instead of black lives matter. And then had to apologize? I'm sorry, I meant black lives.

Fuck all lives. How deeply stupid has the far left become when gay designers can't get along with gay musicians? When vegans attack vegetarians for not being pure enough. I've seen this. Cheese eater, burn him! I see agnostics and atheists bitching at each other.

Why is this even a thing? Do you believe in a talking snake? Me neither. We're on the same team. Okay, one more. At Mount Holyoke this year, they canceled a production of the vagina monologues because they said it offended the transgendered by offering, quote,

an extremely narrow perspective on what it means to be a woman. Yes, we forgot all about the 0.3% of women who don't have vaginas but still want a monologue. I'm sorry, I love the transgendered, but if you're transgendered and you can't handle the vagina monologues, you don't need a vagina. You're already a giant pussy. All right, that's our show.

We're off next week. We'll be back April 10th. I'll be at the Bayou Music Center in Houston, May 3rd, at the Ulster Performing Center in Kingston, New York, I want to thank Barney Frank, Zachary Quinto, Etsy Cup, Jay Femlietti, and Mike Huckabey. Join us now for overtime overseas on YouTube. Thanks.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10 or watch them anytime on HBO On Demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.